An unknown, heavily injured Earth pony with a cursed gift has come to Equestria. As big as the princesses themselves and not knowing where this stallion came from, they investigate by having to enter his dream while unconscious. Only to discover that he's not who he appears to be. Leaving tons of questions needed to be answered.
Meanwhile, an unknown force that is creating chaos along its wake within the Evergreen Forest. A force capable of destroying anything and everything living.
Can all of Equestria handle defeating this new force or will they fall and who is the unknown pony in Equestria? Is he friend or foe? Will his curse bring balance to the world or destroy it?
This my very first story I have ever written on here. I hope you'll like it. Please view and comment on any changes you think needs to improve the storyline. Thank you.
Nyx is from "Past Sins" by Pen Stroke
Princess Sunset Shimmer, Prince LockOn and others are from "Sunset Shimmer's Redemption" and "Sunset's Locked-On Love" by 00RaiserGundam
This story takes place about a year after Sunset's story and a few months after the "Winter Bells" incident of the "Past Sins" story line. I chose these story lines because they are well written and they have inspired me to write this story.
So as a sign of respect, I wanted every character from both stories to be included in the story that i'm writing to you all. Of course , I've just asked permission from both. Hope they'll approve.
Other characters, as well as the secondary world have been created off the top of my head. There will be a few cameo references with Magic: The Gathering, Legend of Zelda OoT, and possibly others.
Might want to ask permission before using another author's OC's. Generally considered polite and can save a huge headache later.
Sorry. I will ask before continueing. I'll apologize as well for using characters from another OC's. Hopefully they'll understand.
Stop writing your dialogue in all caps. Whom ever told you that it creates tension, lied.
after reading your first five chapters, I can see that you have work very hare in developing your story, but for what I can say of your story so far it comes off a rather boring
. Don't take me wrong, I would love to see continue but their are a lot of superfluous elements that drags the passing down and tend to make is sound very repetitive.
First off, you're trying to introduces too many at the same time, witch can be confusing and the situation doesn't rely warrant their present and their only seem to serve as decoration and dos not contribute to the story. For example I don't see why the mane six, Sunset Simmer, Shining Armor, Cadence, Lookon(?) or Nix would go out of their way to see a complete stranger to all of them and go beyond the common courtesy of asking how he is doing, and rely don't have the sense curiosity to go there. for example I can Imagine Twilight going there simply because of the mystery of how he arrived in the throne room, as she has an unbrittle sens of curiosity and would go to many length to satiate it. But for rarity, she doesn't rely go beyond the field of fashion to go out of her comfort zone and maybe help her immediate friends, as moral support and that is only circumstantial at best. I could, maybe, believe that Sunset Shimmer going as she may have a competitive streak with Twilight, but you have not made enough exposition of her to defined her character to rely believe that, and she just seem to go because you want her to not because she wants to. For Nix, no adult in their right mind would willingly bring a child to a hospital to see a gravely wounded Stallion she doesn't know. She may have fond a way to smuggling herself or she could have met him later when he is better.
I have been noticing that you have just put most of your character there in your story and the gala is the narrative tool you use to gather all of them in one place. I can understand that, but it just feel too convenient and you are cloturing the scene with them and denies them the chance to make a descent exposition for each them. I believe it would have been better to introduce each one of them at a later time, so you can make a better presentation of them and allow the reader to better grasps their personality.
I personally think that you should rewrite the hole story, if you want to attract new readers, and trying to continue the story by fixing the problems in later will only make things worst unfortunately.
I hope that this critique has not hurt you to much and I hope that this will help you in your story
Thanks for the current review mix-up. It really means a lot to me. As I've mentioned before when I first signed up and started writing that writing was not my strong point. I do tend to go to heavy detail when writing a story. Happens a lot. I'm still trying to better myself at writing from time to time. I really appreciate on reading the comments given to me by other readers.
As far as I know, they're better writers than I, but that won't let me stop from writing this story. I'll take the time to rewrite the previous chapters I've posted before. Hopefully I can fine tune each chapter and re-post here better than before.
Thanks for the advice and comment review Mix-up. If possible, could I count on you for further advice on story writing? If so, thank you.
I hope to hear more comments like this from other readers, good ones as well, so I can better myself at writing.
good story i hope it gets more likes soon cos it is good
This was like getting my eyes gouged it with a red hot spoon
I'm sorry, what?