Prologue
The multiverse. One of the greatest mysteries known in all of creation and for eons has been something that has been studied and tested by those that have discovered how to traverse it. Even immortals that have been around before time has begun have little clue about how it works or who created it. So it comes as no surprise that there are those that watch the goings on in the various universes just to pass the time. Sometimes they even experiment on one universe just to see what happens after observing a near identical universe just to see how one major change affects the timeline.
In one such universe six friends share many adventures and save the world on multiple occasions. Through all the challenges, all the hardships that they faced they were always by each other’s side even when things seemed hopeless. Yet one being in particular wondered what would have happened if their numbers were different. If there was one less or even one more then how would the balance of their friendship be affected? Would they things have turned out much the same or would the world have been lost because something was missing or shouldn’t have been there?
This being thought on this for many years, before deciding that it was much too difficult to destroy one of the keys of this friendship, but would be easier to add something else to this link. It took many years but the immortal was able to influence the universe enough to add the first key to his plan. The second part was much harder as it would require a creature with an actual soul and creating a soul from nothing was impossible. This lead to the problem of where to find a spare soul that would work with the immortals plan while not needing much alteration. Eventually a potential candidate was found and all that was left to do was wait for an opportunity.
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“Now once you are sure that everything is properly secured just stand by the edge, count to three, and jump.” He carefully followed the instructor’s instructions as he once again went over the rig he was wearing to make sure it was on correctly. Once he finished with that he looked over the edge of the cliff as he tried to keep his legs from collapsing. The rig he was wearing did much to reassure him but his legs still felt as if they were made of rubber. The instructor noticed him taking a few deep breaths with his eyes closed before patting him on the back lightly.
“Hey now, you don’t have to go through with this if you don’t want to, a lot of people have trouble taking that final step.” He almost wanted to accept the offer to back out but something in him kept him from accepting it. It might have been the fact that he always backed out of doing anything remotely risky or even the chance to try and get over his fear of large falls but whatever it was it was enough for him to stand up straight before taking the final step over the edge.
He spread his arms wide as the wind rushed by him and the ground rushed up towards him. He flushed in the rush granted by the fall with only a single connection to keep him safe. His stomach felt as if it was trying to escape from his throat when he reached the bottom as the chord stretched out to slow his decent before snapping back again sending him upwards into the air.
As he rose up into the air again he relished the feeling of flight that was granted to him by this experience even as his body reacted to his fear. He had been rather bored lately and had figured that doing something outside of his comfort zone would be the perfect answer. As he reached the top of his ascent he opened his eyes to look up towards the instructor on the cliff. As he felt gravity start taking hold of him again an odd motion at the bottom of his vision drew his attention.
His eyes widened when the motion was revealed to be the end of the hook that was keeping him safe. The problem with that though is that the hook had deformed out of shape enough that his rise hade allowed enough slack for the hook to slip out of the gap created leaving nothing more keeping him connected to the top. His reaching out towards the instructor with a shout was enough to alert the person on the top to the situation but by then it was too late for anything to be done.
As he started to pick up speed he thought on his life as his body completely relaxed as he gave into the inevitable. He didn’t have any regrets as he always tried to live in the moment as he found plans to often go awry. As the ground rushed up towards him he closed his eyes one final time as a sense of calm deeper than anything he had ever felt before settled over him. Because of this he missed the rainbow colored light that flashed over him as he hit the ground sending him into oblivion.
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The immortal examined the soul of the creature that it had liberated from his world as it planned out the final details. It didn’t want to interfere too much as it would skew the results so much of it would be left up to luck. Its power flowed around the soul removing the memory and much of the knowledge it held, but still left a good amount the general knowledge that wouldn’t cause any problems with the experiment. It then formed a general shape that the body could use to take its form from when it arrived, leaving all of that up to chance except for the age and gender of it.
Considering the period when it was going to send the soul he had to reduce the age of it to match the others it would be meeting. Leaving it as a male would also cause unnecessary friction in the experiment so making it female was a necessity. Once everything was prepared he looked over the glowing soul that was much brighter than it was before as it was no longer as old as it used to be. Nodding to itself the immortal examines the universe it was preparing and for what it had identified as the trigger event that caused the friends to be first linked together.
As a huge burst of energy rippled out from the universe the immortal gave what could almost be called a smile as it allowed the soul to enter the universe and return to life once more. With the stage set and the actors now in play it closed off the universe from future tampering as it settled down to watch.
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A shockwave of color spread out across the sky as a speedy little filly performed an act that had long fallen into legends. This resulted in her and five others to become overloaded with magic, pushing them on the first step to finding their destinies. While this was occurring another young filly was waking from a dream that faded from her memory before she even realized that she had one.
“W-where am I? What’s going on? Why can’t I remember anything?” The young filly started to panic but her feeble flailing was interrupted but an earth-shattering nose and a rainbow of colors passing through the sky above her. She didn’t have much time to admire the view though as a howling sound sang out through the forest around her causing her to back up into a nearby rock.
Pressing her small form up against the rock in fright she looked around into the dark forest around her wondering what that sound was. She was soon answered as green eyes started appearing in the woods around her along with the growling of the figures that owned them. Soon their forms were revealed as the wooden wolves moved into the light as they advanced on the frightened filly.
She was suddenly bowled over as one she didn’t notice leaped down from the rock above her onto her back. She squealed in fear and pain is its claws dug into her side, tearing flesh, as it bit down on her foreleg. This threw the others into action as two more darted in, one biting into a hind-leg and the other going for her throat. The second one didn’t get a good grip, which was fortunate is the attack could have been lethal which allowed for a miracle to happen.
The filly’s eyes suddenly opened wide as magic began to run rampant through her towards her horn, answering to her terrified state of mind. A wave of fire burst from her horn, incinerating the three timberwolves in contact with her and driving the rest of the pack back. Soon the wave halted a short distance around the filly forming a protective barrier of flames between her and the remains of the timberwolf pack.
The pack prowled around the edge of the barrier, the weakest of them occasionally being sent in to test it, as they waited for the flames to fade so they could reach the filly. Their pacing was interrupted by a screech from their flank as a dark form dove through the canopy, bowling over half of the remaining pack. When the other half turned towards this new threat they were bombarded from behind by bolts of energy, scattering them.
Having what they thought as an easy meal turn into a credible threat was enough to send them all running. The filly was starting to come down from her surge and the flames began to fade as two ponies slowly advanced on her after making sure the timberwolves were driven away. On the left was a male dark purple, bat-winged pony with a short burgundy colored mane. On the right was a horned mare of an orange color and long blue mane.
“Oh dear, I told you that I heard something. Though I wasn’t expecting a filly, especially one in this state.” The mare cautiously moved to examine the filly closely while the stallion flew up to bring down a cloud. She found the filly to be unconscious but still to be alive though from the wounds it may not be that way for long. She ran a hoof over the filly’s dark orange fur until she came to her cutie mark that was still shining as it was finishing coming into view. Trailing back the other way she brushed through the red mane until she same to the fluffy tips of her ears.
The stallion landed next to her with the cloud and nudged her side with a sigh of impatience. “Well are you going to work your magic or are you going to just watch her bleed?” The unicorn mare shakes her head and casts a cloud walking spell before levitating the filly onto the cloud carefully before carefully climbing up next to her. With a nod to the stallion she gazes on the filly as they are pushed through the sky towards the nearest town and hospital. Her eyes settle on the filly’s fresh cutie mark of a triangular kite shield atop a ring of flames.
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The immortal leaned away from the universe it was observing as it contemplated how close it came to having its plans ruined. It had forgotten to take into account exactly where its chosen one was going to be dropped. Luckily things had turned out for the best and something had been nearby to save her. It almost dropped the barrier just to fix that mistake, but something had fixed the mistake without need any interference. It would have expected that something was interfering but it found nothing had broken through so dismissed its suspicions. Seeing as everything was in motion it settled down to watch and see where its experiment would lead.
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hmmm...not bad not bad...cant wait to see where this goes.
Sir, (and/or ma'am) I have but one thing to say to you...Ha ha, made you scroll over the spoiler! #Trollestia
fuzzy ear tips is this unicorn oc part bat pony ?
also fire magic sweet
Aside from the immortal somehow not having planned where to put the new chess piece(seems very unrealistic if it already went to so much trouble), I liked this intro and will continue reading to see where it goes.
what is a downvote i see nothing like that here just a story im looking forward to reading
Why is it always kite-shaped shields?
6807590 Because generally people do a quick google for symbols and don't really 'shop around' as it were, especially for better fits. What's more, a lot of the more 'creative' symbols of protection are words we generally wouldn't recognize, and have to google. Shields may be homogenous but if someone says 'Shield' we get an instant mental image, while others like the pentagram have... well people either think of the five pointed star in a circle worn by new age wiccans, or the devil worshiping thing version, and the two will tell you (at least) two very different things about the symbol. The pentacle is the same thing with a different name. Other protection symbols are too heavily steaped in culture to be used in a cutiemark from someone unaffiliated, such as the Egyptian scarab, or the Triquetra which appears in a lot of myths and histories.
A buckler for example would demonstrate an aggressive form of protection (it's primarily for parrying and defense without sacrificing offensive capability).
A tower shield, on the other hoof, would exemplify a focus in defense over all. Someone safe that can offer shelter. Honestly if Shining Armor didn't logically have to be pretty decent at something OTHER than just his shield spell to make Captain, I'd be surprised he ended up with a heater shield.
Kite shields are typically thought of with armed forces insignia or police, and are some of the earlier form of shields available to medieval soldiery. A common symbol of protection. Heater shields are similar in shape but smaller.
Also, the 'shape' can vary a lot actually, but these are sort of the 'classes' of shields, as it were. There isn't a separate (English) word for the various shield shapes in particular, as far as I know.
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Now now, one should never discount the possibility of folly from any but one which knows all, understands all, and has the power to change all.
That is to say: Everything but Superman is entitled a derp moment.
Well, by stripping his/her previous memories, you removed one facet of interesting character drama, that (when well written) can be an extremely compelling reason to stay... And the whole real reason for a human one, really. You removed another by having this dimension sealed, leaving outside influences perpetuating his/her discocery of self virtually nonexistent... Even changing the age and gender of the soul negates an interesting character dilemma... Seriously, about the only interesting thing you have left, is a filly with no memories... Honestly, I'd prefer a filly with no memories, but knows too much about the adult world, but I'll give it a shot...
Also, a cutie mark involved with fiery protection? That's another point for you...
Ya know...re-reading this, I'm starting to wondering if this mysterious being will one day make contact with our protagonist and do something something...
(Reads Line)
skinacea.com/img/acnephotos/spock-brows.jpg
(Looks at vote count)
...You sure about that?
stupid immortal doesn’t it know that FATE is an actual thin in equestria
Re-reading this fic for the fifth time and saw the author note at the end.
Can’t say how glad I am that the prediction in it is wrong. This is one of my favourite Fox’s on the site with what I think is believable characters and story line (not OC or over involved in the cannon storyline). The mixture of changed and unchanged cannon episodes as well as original content makes this a amazing read.
I hope that you plan to keep on writing long into the future.
The line on the immortal wondering if there was something else affecting the experiment makes me think of the research Twilght does into Agis's parent age and finding her adopted parents are the donors could be taken as evidence of influence as the being left that to chance. Alternatively it could be that her body took it's form from the closest ponies and not due to any outside influence.
Oh no, the concept is beautiful, although an editor might be a good idea. I see many, many commas that are missing, which messes up the word flow. But other wise, this is a fantastic story.
Or, you know, just ignore my comment, you got really far anyways
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I must say, I agree. Based on the vote count, though, I would have to say the story has managed to survive in spite of those flaws. As a book editor, unless we are to see significant interactions by this "immortal," I would say the entire prologue should be left out of the story.
Just start with the foal waking in the forest.
':|
Based on the Author's Note, you write how I write.
But anyway. On to the first chapter review. There's definitely room to edit, but it's mostly how you say things that needs changing, not necessarily what. Which is the more important quality to have as a writer.
The method of transport to Equestria is definitely cliche, but not necessarily the way it is presented. Sure, there could be more refinement with the wording and everything, but the actual inclusion of the immortal's perspective (and the fact that it isn't just Discord) adds some intrigue that I hope won't be abandoned at least as a future plot point.
Now to the two main improvements I can think of (that wouldn't just be automatically fixed with practice writing). First, the immortal's thoughts should be shown, yes, but not all of them. Don't even mention why the memory would be erased - have it become apparent what was done when the filly wakes up. Don't talk about the gender change, just show the male human's perspective, then the filly unicorn's. It gives a lot more intrigue into the immortal, and also helps with that annoying phrase you hear a lot as a writer: show, don't tell.
The second one is a bit of a nitpick - the filly shouldn't immediately know that she forgot something. It takes at least more than a few seconds to tell. Adrenaline is not something that is conducive of reflection. I know I don't remember much when I am woken up suddenly. Maybe in the next chapter, would she realize she has no real memories.
Still good enough for me to want to continue reading. (Though the cliches present definitely still make me wary.)
I also know this was written three years ago, but if you ever decided to do another run of editing, I figured feedback might be appreciated.
Oh no, your concept is quite interesting actually. However, the your way of writing and grammar could use a little more refining.
Great start.