Jack Ices the Cake

MJack Plows
MLP: FiM
Romance
Dark
Slice of Life
Jack, the human in Equestria, helps Applejack on the farm. Eventually, he can't control his urges.
Sex
Human
Applejack
OC
bigmacintosh2000 · 10k words · 129 38 · 6.6k views

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Comments ( 12 )

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APS

APS #1 · Apr 30th, 2015 · 1 · · Mama Needs It ·

good story. (excuse me, i need to go take a cold shower )

Joystick arcadia

Joystick arcadia #2 · May 1st, 2015 · 1 · · Mama Needs It ·

So everyone go take a min you what make it five I think we all need it

bigmacintosh2000

bigmacintosh2000 #3 · May 1st, 2015 · · · Mama Needs It ·

I have a few questions for anyone who's willing to answer.

1. Was it immersive enough? My real goal with these is always to get to the clop. But I've discovered in my clop art that you can't just put a sexy pony on a blank background and expect it to be great. The background is important, and I think I'm starting to appreciate that a little build-up is important in stories as well. At the same time, i don't want to bog it down with too much anticipation.

2. How was the pacing? My previous story was a little too rushed. Not as bad as some clopfics I've read on this site, but still seriously lacking there. I think this is better, but I want to know what you think. I'm talking not only about the build-up here, but also the anticipation and pacing in the clop scenes.

3. Did it paint a picture for you? Were the descriptions good enough to put a clear picture in your mind, or did they leave you confused?

4. Spoiler warning: How was the twist at the end? Did you see it coming? Was it foreshadowed too much, too little, or about right? How did you feel about it? Please use spoiler brackets if you decide to respond to this question.

kyuubi gear

kyuubi gear #4 · May 25th, 2015 · · · Mama Needs It ·

This was great

AuthorGenesis

AuthorGenesis #5 · Jun 1st, 2015 · · · Mama Needs It ·

5928056 To answer your questions: 1) Were you immersive enough? No. It feels like clop written for the sake of clop. The human should be uncomfortable with the concept of bedding any mare than the one he's in a relationship. Then there's the whole (MILF?) Chubby angle. Why does he find mares like Cup Cake attractive? Also, it escalated too quickly. While this story makes for an okay template. It would really work better over an extended amount of time. At least six months and that with frequent interactions. Also, you must remember that a human is nevertheless an alien to the Equestrian pony. It would be like humans finding the Greys sexy (they're in a distinct minority.) If Cup finds the human attractive, or even desirable, why does she? Why not Time Turner? Or Lucky? Or Caramel? Why Jack?

2) How was the pacing? Poor. The story needs to be longer, with larger chapters. There's a lot of telling, but not a lot of 'showing' happening. Plus, the way it's written it's short and abrupt like a 'slam, bam, thank you ma'am' scene, rather than a slow and gradual buildup. I mean he sexes Cup Cake on the VERY SAME DAY THAT HE MEETS HER!? And that didn't have any alcohol or aphrodisiacs involved, as at least some rational reason for the quick escalation and the subsequent coupling.

3) Were the description good enough for you? No. This chapter reads like "Character A performed action B" instead of showing us Character A performing action B.

4)Did you see the twist coming? Was it foreshadowed too much, too little, or just right? I anticipated something seeing as earlier in the story Discord mucked with Jack's physiology to make him more desirable to mares, so while I didn't know exactly how it would play out, I had an inkling of how it might have gone, so there was too much foreshadowing in this story. How did I feel? While I realize cuckoldry is a fetish, I find it rather difficult to reconcile Jack and his psychology behaving as he did. Also, we're not given anything on the Cakes, or why they get aroused about the taboo of cuckoldry.

bigmacintosh2000

bigmacintosh2000 #6 · Jun 1st, 2015 · · · Mama Needs It ·

6042674
Thanks for the input.

I'm not sure you and I understand the difference between "telling" and "showing" in the same way. At all. I hope you could elaborate on that.

As far as the rest of your comments go--I think they're valid criticisms. But in considering them, I think I'm on exactly the right track where I want to be. I'm not interested in reading or writing something that takes months to get to the point. (And most clopfics that take that route simply "tell" rather than "show" that the human has been in Equestria for 6 months or whatever.) My intent was to give enough background to work like a classic porn set-up, and now I think I've done enough to accomplish that.

Anyway, I thought it was clear that it was his pheromones that did it, and that's why all the ponies were weirded out by him, but once Cup got close to him she was into it. It's exactly the kind of cheap plot device that makes for "bad" writing, but serves the purpose here quite well.

As far as Jack's psychology goes, I think my blank slate idea backfired in your case. He is almost completely a blank slate for readers to project onto. If his actions don't add up, I'm guessing (maybe I'm wrong) that's because you wouldn't act that way. Also, Jack isn't really privy to any information about why the Cakes are into that. He's not an omniscient narrator.

But I am still interested in what you meant about telling and showing. I thought "A does X" is showing, and seeing her dressed that way turning him on is showing, as opposed to explaining why he finds her attractive (that would be telling). So maybe telling vs. showing isn't what you meant to say, but I think you've got something useful to say hiding in there.

bigmacintosh2000

bigmacintosh2000 #7 · Jun 1st, 2015 · · · Mama Needs It ·

6042674
I want to clarify that I'm not dismissing your suggestions because I think they're bad. But if somebody told Quentin Tarantino how to make Kill Bill into a believable, meaningful masterpiece, they'd be missing the point completely and ruining what's already a masterpiece. I'm not saying what I've done here is brilliant, but your suggestions helped me realize that I'm already on the right track to doing what I set out to do, even if it isn't what some people are looking for.

AuthorGenesis

AuthorGenesis #8 · Jun 1st, 2015 · 1 · · Mama Needs It ·

6042716 By showing, I mean by including more sensory description and visual observations.

So for instance, instead of saying: Mrs. Cake touched his penis. (tell) I'd rather see: Jake moaned softly, his eyes wandering down to his twitching cock, as he felt the pleasurable sensation of Mrs. Cake running and twisting the soft, velveteen texture of her frog on the sensitive crown of his cock. ((show) in just that, we get sight, touch and sound as well as some description of Mrs. Cake's hoof (description) rather than just the touch of the previous example) If I wanted, I could have even included what Mrs. Cake smelled like, or the smells inside Sugarcube Corner. I could have even included atmospheric temperature and other sensory inputs. But the example sentence is enough to get across how I view a 'tell' sentence vs. a 'show' sentence.

bigmacintosh2000

bigmacintosh2000 #9 · Jun 1st, 2015 · · · Mama Needs It ·

6043744
Thanks! I don't think it's a show vs. tell thing, but your point about being more descriptive is well-taken. Will try to do that in the future.

Simply_Z