• Member Since 28th Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen Sunday

Brony kaiju soldier


A 22 year old Brony with Asperger's syndrome who enjoys ponies, kaiju, video games, history, animals and a few other things.

E
Source

Why did Rainbow have to give Pinkie that confounded energy drink? This all happened when Pinkie drank it 20 years ago, and now Equestria has paid the price. It all could've been avoided if Pinkie hadn't found out.

Covert Art by Drawponies, who's permission I have, and inspiration for this story. I also saw it on a couple of blogs as well as being told someone needed to make it into a story.

Written in third person. Sort of a one-shot.

Pre-read and edited by Duelist96 and FelineFluff.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 10 )

Yay:yay: I'm really proud of this story, and I'm honored that I got to edit it:twilightsmile: do you mind if I recommend it in a blog do you?

Glad to see you posted something new!

The beginning of the story was kind of told in a passive voice. Try describing it from someone's point of view(without switching it to first person).

Now, it's nothing but a wasteland brought about by a freak accident nopony could predict.

Now, there's nothin wrong with this sentence, per se, but where it is is what's wrong. See, your previous sentences were describing something in the past. Typically, if you change verb tenses, you would start a new paragraph.

This filly's name is Scootaloo, and this is what happened.

Right here, you changed tenses within a sentence.

"Forget what?" Asked a familiar voice.

Asked should be lowercased.

I wouldn't exactly call this a tragedy. Part of what makes a tragedy is the emotion invoked in a reader. With such a short chapter, there isn't a lot of time to generate any sad feelings. I get what you were going for, but you're just not quite there yet. Try adding in more detail. Describe the post-apocalyptic world a little more. It sure would make for a good story :raritywink:

Overall, it was a good story, with a good idea. You got my upvote :pinkiesmile:

5799753 K and thanks for the heads up.

Lyi

Hmm...the idea is *interesting*. I was sent by Feline.

Sponsored by monster.

Or to a hyperactive squirrel that lives with a turtle, skunk, porcupine family and a live in raccoon.

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