This Scrub is different , For he is a "Sir" . Just a person who tired and wrote a fan fic .
Black Rose alias "QuickDraw" is forced out of his stable into a new world to which he must learn the Wasteland's one rule. Adapt or die.
( Now with 100% more cover art, To hurt your eyes even more and to answer your question. Yes it was. made in MS Paint.HA, Updated RYLugi.
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There are quite some issues with this story. Well, not necessarily issues with this story as a story, but with its formatting and other formalities.
The title:
- Your title features some mistakes: the colon (:) should be right behind "Fallout Equestria", no gap between "Fallout Equestria" and the colon. But there has to be gap between the colon and "New starts"
- Additionally, the "starts" in "New starts" should be capitalized as it is your story's title. It should be "Fallout Equestria: New Starts"
The description:
- "Named" must not be capitalized.
- I would recommend making the protagonist's name "Quick Draw" as it is the correct spelling.
- either capitalize "wasteland" (as a name) or don't (as in describing a bare landscape). Don't do both.
And finally the story:
- Chapters: be coherent when it comes to naming your chapters. Either give the chapters numbers (Chapter 1) or spell the numbers full (Chapter one), either give them names or don't. But never ever mix things up.
- Same thing as in the title: there is never a gap before a special character, but there's always one after it.
I decided to turn myself in , expecting death .
I decided to turn myself in, expecting death.
So I chose my nick name over my old name .Black Rose .
So I chose my nick name over my old name: Black Rose.
- You seem to capitalize quite randomly. Don't do that. Only names and the first word of a sentence should be capitalized. English is quite easy when it comes to that. The first word after a comma isn't capitalized since it doesn't start a new sentence.
- The "doing things without really knowing why" may work in Dark Souls, but in an actual narrative it doesn't work so well. One can not lead a riot ring without knowing why. It's not like whistling when you are bored.
- The reaction of the overmare and the security ponies leading your character to the Stable's door is very unbelievable. You write as if he is loved by everyone in the stable's "government" (Overmare & Security), but you stated that the group he leads attacks said security with fully automated rifles while they themselves use only anti-riot gear with high casualties. That's not how feelings for the guy attacking you with a machinegun work.
- Why do they give him food, water and a gun at all? It does not work as a punishment.
This might work in ancient Greece where you were exiled for being to powerful but not doing anything else wrong. This guy has lead a revolution with high casualties and the stable's government basically gives him a new life with everything he needs. That's not a punishment that scares ponies.
- Something that became apparent in chapter: Quick Draw is "just older then a foal". Just older then a foal?! And he leads the riot ring in his stable?!
- On a positive note: I like Quick Draw's struggle to kill ponies.
This hurts my brain while I read. There's grammatical errors up the ass with this story. Do fix them?