• Published 11th Mar 2015
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I Am Going To Save And/Or Destroy Equestria! - Bucking Nonsense



In an Equestria where Celestia and Luna have slain each other, a human is brought to Equestria in the body of King Sombra, in hopes that he might be able to save the kingdom from the fiends of Tartarus...

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Today I Express My Emotions Through Interpretive Dance

Finally, we reached our destination. At the top of the third flight of stairs, the archon turned towards us and announced, "Central Control is through this doorway. Here, you can receive a briefing on the full capabilities of Santuary, and can initiate the activation sequence for this facility."

Her expression one of confusion, Sparkling Sunset asked, "Activation sequence? What does that mean?"

Making an educated guess, that being that this dream took place in an area of medieval level technology, I put it into terms she might better understand, saying, "The fortress is more than just a place where we can hole up for a while. It's sleeping right now, but it can be woken up, and when that happens we can see everything that this place can do."

"Affirmative," the archon stated, as flatly as ever.

"What do you think it will do, Mister King Sombra sir?" Rosy Sunrise asked, still perched upon my back.

I turned my head around to look at her, and gave her a smile, then said, "You'll have to wait. I'd hate to spoil the surprise." She gave an adorable little sulk about that, like a child being told that, just because it was midnight on Christmas eve, that didn't mean she could open her presents yet. Gesturing towards the doorway to the other ponies, I said, "Let's go. I'm more than a little eager to see what this place can do, myself."
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Let me tell you something right now: Starswirl the Bearded did not dick around. When he got serious, he was capable of some seriously impressive shit. Case in point: He once opened a portal in space and time to throw three misbehaving sirens out for using their magic to abuse others into another world (Although he might have brought the hammer down mainly because they had dissed his epically righteous beard). But this...

Starswirl the Bearded took the survival of all ponykind so seriously that he'd weaponized a mountain. All of it, or just about.

"The Mobile Fortress, Sanctuary," the archon explained, gesturing towards a hologram of said mountain, the only light in an otherwise dark room, "is designed to be a fully functioning habitat for ponies of all kinds. At its current capacity, it can comfortably house over one hundred thousand ponies, and contains a sizable farm capable of producing food for up to three times that many ponies, if not more. A sizable portion of the interior is not yet excavated, so as needed, more space can be cleared for habitation and production purposes...."

I could hear the mares behind me, save for Rosy, Ladyhawke, and Sparkling Sunset, start dancing. Clip clop clip clop, the noise behind me was quiet, and yet filled with such subtle joy that I was sorely tempted to turn and look, or even join in, but the 3D display of my new toy was far more engrossing. After all, it was a flying fucking mountain. A FLYING FUCKING MOUNTAIN!!! HOW CAN THAT NOT HAVE ANYONE'S FULL ATTENTION!?!

(Admittedly, if it had been one hundred human women dancing, nude, behind my back, I would have spun my head around so fast it would have achieved relativistic speeds, but once again, ass-man, not a pony person.)

"It can fly," Rosy Sunset whispered, wide-eyed, still seated upon my back.

With a small chuckle, I said, "Of course. It wouldn't do much good out here in the middle of nowhere. Fortresses are placed in strategic locations, and this one can be placed anywhere we need it to be."

The archon continued, stating, "Sanctuary also possesses, in addition to a water recycling system, a complex mechanism that allows for the harvesting of water from clouds, as well as a means of obtaining fertilizer from biological waste of almost any kind. The soil in the areas designated for food production were gathered from amongst the most fertile regions in Equestria, and are guaranteed to produce dozens of bountiful harvests before re-fertilization will be needed. In addition, seeds from all manner of plants are gathered in the storehouses, and a crop rotation schedule is available in order to ensure the more efficient means of maintaining the soil's overall fertility. Environmental control spells are also in place to maintain optimal temperatures at even Sanctuary's maximum altitudes, summer or winter."

Very impressive, but that wasn't what I wanted to hear about. This was a fortress, after all.

The mares behind me burst into song. It was a catchy little tune, but I didn't really make a note of what it was about. It sounded like the joyous reprise of a song that they were probably singing long before I'd come along. Still, they were really getting into it...

"What about defensive capabilities?" I asked, calmly.

"Among the strongest on the planet," the archon answered immediately. "The fortress possesses two forcefields, one of which is a passive field that is active at all times, and the other an active field that can be utilized if attacked. The passive field can endure up to one thousand bucks of force at any single point, and any impact will instantly activate the active shield. The active shield can endure over twelve thousand gigabucks of force from all points simultaneously."

"Twelve thousand gigabucks?" Sparkling Sunset asked, her voice filled with awe. "But... the strongest magical attack ever recorded was one launched by Princess Celestia when she diverted the course of a meteorite that would have annihilated Equestria, and that was three thousand gigabucks!"

"The forcefield was designed with that knowledge in mind," the achon stated. "If some evil force were to overtake a princess and force her to harm her fellow ponies, The Architect wanted the residents to have sufficient protection to endure a sustained assault by even an enraged alicorn. Or alicorns."

"Oh..." Sunset whispered, meekly.

One of the mares went into a solo performance that would have made Celene Dion, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Nicki Minaj, Lady Gaga, and just about every other female singer on the planet eat their own hearts out from pure unadulterated voice-envy. Whoever she was, I'd have wished that I could have taken her home and signed her up as her manager: Ten percent from the record deal of the single best female singer that ever lived was still a whole fucking lot of money, after all...

"And offensive capabilities?" I asked, getting a bit excited. We had the ultimate shield. Did we have the ultimate spear to go with it?

"Point defense energy projection is possible via use of specially created magical projectors peppered across the fortress, effective up to one quarter mile of the fortress, and are capable of up to one gigabuck of force. Offensive strikes can also be utilized, through use of specially created projectors, located at thetop and bottom of the fortress. The effective range of the main projectors are limited only by line of sight, and are capable of a sustained blast of up to five thousand gigabucks of force for ten seconds. The cooldown period for the main projectors is five minutes."

The voice of an angel sang, "...And now we're finally... Wait, what did that thing just say?"

King Sombra popped a murder-boner from the great beyond so intense that I was starting to feel a little stiff in places myself. If a beam of three thousand gigabucks could blast a continent-destroying meteor off of its trajectory, then five thousand would probably be enough to wipe a city completely off the map, all the way down to the bedrock. So... not only did we have a forcefield capable of withstanding anything short of the moon being thrown at us, but we also had the means of launching ten seconds of concentrated 'fuck your shit' at anything we could see, and we could see a whole hell of a lot from up in the air, and could do so every five minutes. I could understand why Starswirl had been cautious about who would be allowed up here: Anyone evil who claimed this place would be fully capable of wrecking the shit of absolutely anyone they wanted, anywhere and any time...

And it was now in the possession of the most feared/hated pony to ever walk the earth. I turned to look at the mares, who were now frozen, mid-dance. Given the epic level 'Oh Shit' expressions on everyone's faces, save for that of the little fillies, that fact was not lost on anyone present.

"Well," Sparkling Sunset said, nervously, "it's not like we're going to be using it. Right?"

I gave the unicorn a look, and asked, "Oh? And why do you say that?"

My visage had not lost any of its ability to intimidate, even with an adorable filly on my back. Nervously, Sunset said, "Well, I thought... that we could... use it... to... fly off..." My expression must have been turning steadily more grim and/or dark as she had been speaking, because just the look of my face was enough to cause her to completely stall out, and start sweating bullets.

"So," I began, feeling anger well up in me that I had difficulty in understanding, "You were going to just up and abandon all of your fellow ponies not lucky enough to be here, and fly off into the sunset?" If looks could kill, then Sunset's face would have started melting off from the intensity of the glare I bestowed upon her...

*Huh. And they say that I'm rotten...*

"Of course not!" Sunset exploded at me, suddenly shouting in my face. After a moment, she calmed a little, and then said, "We'd collect every pony that we could along the way, but anypony with eyes to see can tell that the situation is so far beyond hopeless that all we can do is gather the ponies still left and leave..." The way she said that last part, it was clear that she hated herself for saying it...

"And then what?" I asked, calming down, just a little. "You fly off, abandon the continent to the fiends, the boarcs, and anything else that comes to claim it, and then you settle somewhere else. Is that what you want your legacy to be? That when things got bad, you all just turned tail and ran like cowards?"

Sunset looked stricken, unable to answer that question. Ladyhawke, on the other hand, looked... well, she looked like she was on the verge of cheering me on in spite of herself.

"And will that be the lesson that you'll teach your offspring?" I asked, on a roll, and turning towards the other ponies. "That when someone comes to take away everything you have, everything that you've struggled so hard for, that you should just let them take it away without any resistance? And when everyone else in the world learns how easy it is to just come and take what you have, believe me, every petty warlord and wannabe conqueror in the world will start beating at your door, eager to take what's yours." I raised my head up, and gave Sunset a stern look, and said, "Starswirl didn't create this place because he wanted ponykind to run and hide. This is where he wanted ponykind to start fighting back. This is where we seize our destiny, and take back what is ours."

"He's right," Ladyhawke said, looking at me with, surprisingly, admiration. "Hades take me for agreeing with him, but he's right." Looking at the other ponies, she said, "If we start running, we'll never be able to stop: This fortress is too big a prize for someone like Diretusk, or any other villain for that matter. If we run, we prove we lack the resolve to use it, and he and those like him will chase us until the end of time. We have to fight, and we have to win, or we'll never know peace again."

*Surprising. I wouldn't have thought that you'd be so... passionate about fighting for the sake of Equestria.*

'Are you kidding? This is my dream and/or delusion. It isn't going to end with anything lame like 'They all ran away like little bitches, the end'. It's going to end with 'And King Sombra whooped the asses of everyone who got in his way and took over Equestria'. I'm the baddest of all badasses, the king of all monsters, the ultimate evil overlord, aren't I? Why else would they have brought me back? They went to Boot Hill to wake the Saint of Killers. Well, here I am: I won't accept anything short of absolute victory, no matter how many motherfuckers I have to stomp a mudhole into in order to get there.'

*Heh. I could not have put it better myself... but I might have skipped the cursing.*

'And that is why I'm better than you: I don't put a filter on my awesomesauce. I let it flow, free and pure.'

His only response to that last bit was a chuckle...

I gave a small smile, and said, "I could just bully the lot of you into following me. We all know I could, and it wouldn't be all that difficult to do." My grin grew larger, and I said, "But instead, I think we should put it to a vote." I looked over the mares, and found the one I suspected was the owner of the best voice ever: A yellowish mare with neither wings nor horn, but with a long and flowing mane and tail, as well as a stamp on her ass that depicted a g-clef surrounded by little pink hearts. She gulped as I approached, looking up at me with big blue eyes.

"You're the one who was singing earlier?" I asked, keeping my voice as gentle as I could.

She nodded mutely.

I smiled a little wider, and asked, "Can you dance?" She nodded. "The waltz?" She hesitated, and then nodded. "Good."

I turned towards the other ponies, and said, "You have until I finish dancing with the young lady here to make up your minds. Flee, and never know peace again, or fight, and have a chance to take back what you've lost." With that, I lifted the musical mare up, gently but firmly, and we began to dance, with me gently humming the music along.

Yes, I can dance the waltz. I can also tango, samba, lambada, flamenco, and a dozen other styles. I took a class while in college as an elective... mainly because more the half of the other students were female, and pretty fucking fine ones at that...

Gotta admit, dancing with a mare wasn't any different from dancing with a human partner.

As we danced, I whispered, "Your name?"

While she'd hesitated at the start, she very quickly got into the dance, her hoofsteps matching mine quite well. "Sweet Melody," she answered, keeping her tone equally soft.

"So, where would you stand?" I asked, bluntly.

"Fight," she said, without hesitation, a fire in her eyes that I wasn't expecting to see in a pony. "Both of my brothers were at Hurricane's Six Minute Folly, the only family I had left after my parents died. If we have a chance at taking down the fiends, then I'd be the first to charge the lot of them, even if it was only me doing the charging."

I twirled my partner gracefully, and asked, "And the others? How do you think they'll go?"

"Most of them would feel the same," Melody answered quickly. "Just about everypony here is here because raising you were our best hope of stopping the fiends. Even with the chance to escape, I doubt that anypony would turn down an opportunity at a little bit of payback."

*Not surprising. There had to be at least a little steel in this bunch of misfits, for the lot of them to get this far. They've kept at this for an entire year, in spite of all the hardships set against them...*

'I'm aware of that. I'm just giving them a chance to remember it.'

With a final twirl, I broke off the dance with Melody, and turned towards the ponies. Sparkling Sunset, seeming to still be the leader of the group, stepped forward, and said, "We talked it out, and you're right: This isn't the time to run. This is the time to fight. While we can try fleeing later if things turn bad, if we run without even trying, then we may as well give up completely, and just let Diretusk take us here and now."

Smart girls. I favored them with a smile, then turned towards the archon. I said, "You heard the ladies. Let's get this puppy warmed up and ready to go."
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The boarcs were assembled on the field at the foot of the mountain, making the final preparations for their departure. The assembled hogs went about their work quickly, efficiently, and most importantly of all, quietly. In fact, they went to great pains to avoid making even the slightest noise for one very good reason...

Lord Diretusk was in a bad mood.

All this way, with nothing to show for it. He and his minions could have conquered half of Equestria by now, but he'd been forced to divert half of his army on this fool's errand. Now he and his soldiers would have to march back through the frozen wastes to reach what these ponies considered civilization, and with nothing to keep the little piglet amused. He'd planned on whiling away the hours by tormenting all of his captives. Instead, he'd have to resort to tormenting his minions instead...

The piglet was interrupted from his grim thoughts by the world suddenly shaking. Well, not the entire world, probably, but it was a severe enough earthquake to knock all but the hardiest of boarcs off of their trotters. The tiny tyrant looked towards the mountain, and saw something incredible...

The mountain was coming apart.

Much of the mountain's surface was falling off, like a thin shell. Beneath, he could see a fortress of incredible size. The mountain itself had been about 7,200 meters tall (23,622 ft). The fortress was at least two thirds that size, making it larger than any building ever built by mortals. Regrettably, a rising cloud of dust and debris quickly obscured the massive citadel from sight, but just the brief glimpse he gained was enough to stir a powerful emotion in the heart of the tiny piglet...

"Do want," Diretusk the Cruel exclaimed, looking up at the ascending fortress in awe. He turned towards one of his underlings, and shouted, "Fetch Arabus! You'll find his box in my palanquin! Quickly!"

The boarc nodded and immediately started running. When Diretusk gave a command, then you either ran or you would wish that you had...

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