It's A New Dawn, It's A New Day, It's A New Life For Me

The choices we make often have consequences far beyond what we ever intended.

This story takes place in a land filled with people of the equine persuasion, so we shall call it... MAGIC PONYLAND!!! Hey, I'm telling this story, so I will call it whatever the fuck I want. This all began because a nice, sweet, and tenderhearted princess who happens to be able to control the sun... we'll just call her Princess Hott Butt, decided that, rather than using her own powers and those of her sister to defeat an evil overlord, she'd take a set of shiny, shiny rocks with the power to summon the Glorious Double Rainbow of Limitless Whoopass, and use them to defeat that overlord. We'll call this evil overlord Studly McAwesomerod.

It worked. Big time. They were scraping bits and pieces of the guy off of about eighty square miles of landscape for weeks afterwards. Ding dong, the king is dead, and there was much rejoicing, you all know the drill.

...Except for Princess Hott Butt. You see, Princess Hott Butt was secretly in love with an alternate universe's version of Studly McAwesomerod and his Truly Massive Rod of Awesomeness +15, and killing one killed both. While not quite as awesome as the rod of the true Studly one (His was a +20), this version had still managed to catch the heart of one of the hottest pieces of tail that Magic Ponyland ever saw, but then lost his chance at tapping that ass because reasons.

No, I'm not going into detail about that shit. You can look into it on your own time. This is my story, now let me tell it.

So, because she'd discovered that the Glorious Double Rainbow of Limitless Whoopass was secretly a doombow in disguise, Princess Hott Butt decided that these murderstones had to be put away before she accidentally killed anyone else. That could have been the end of it, but sadly, it was not.

See, Hott Butt had a sister, whom we shall call Princess Best Pony. Best Pony was jealous of her sister, due to the fact that, while superior to her sister in almost every way, her booty was not quite as rocking as Hott Butt's. Seriously, Hott Butt had this sweet badonkadonk that had all the boys drooling after her. She couldn't move for the all the guys aching for a piece of that. So the younger, cuter sister got jealous, and in a dark magic fueled fit of butt envy, transformed herself into the evil Worst Pony, and decided that the best way to get everyone to want her slightly inferior backside was to kill her sister, turn off the sun, and declare herself the eternal goddess of everything.

Of course, Princess Hott Butt took exception to the whole sororicide thing, and fought back. Thus began the greatest cat-fight that Magic Ponyland ever saw. Sadly, while incredibly hot, it was, like many cat-fights, doomed to end with at least one less hot piece of tail in the world. Unlike most cat-fights, though, it ripped the heavens a new one, and about half the stars in the sky ended up being used as projectiles by an angry moon lady, and the sun being used as a death ray by the sad but resolute sun mistress. Ultimately, it ended with both near-godlike entities murdering each other. Incidentally, the sun and moon crashed into each other, and both shattered.

Yeah, I don't know how the fuck the sun shattered, but it did. Magic Ponyland has its own rules, and does not care what you think about them.

Hott Butt might have been able to win, had she just kept the murderstones around, but she made a bad choice, and there were consequences. Consequences even worse than the sky getting broken.

Some time ago, Hott Butt and Best Pony had created a magical prison where they had locked up everything bad that could ever happen in Magic Ponyland, and when the two of them died, all those angry assholes came out, angry and ready to be assholes once more. All the legendary heroes of Equestrian lore came out to face these dreaded villains: Clover The Clever, Commander Hurricane, and all the rest, they gathered the best warriors in Magic Ponyland, readied them for battle, and marched them out to face the escaped fiends...

...And were all wiped out in less than six minutes. Seriously, the bad guys might have experienced more difficulty strolling through a field of flowers on a sunny day. The residents of Magic Ponyland are many things, but skilled warriors is not even in the top ten.

But Clover the Clever WAS clever, and knew that failure was a very real possibility, so the elderly magician sent out her one and only student on a secret mission, just in case shit went wrong. That was why, one year later, that student, a young mare by the name of Sparkling Sunset, was standing in a cave in the depths of a cold and lonely mountain with one hundred and seven virgin mares of various ages, attempting to perform a supremely dangerous ritual.

You see, there comes a point where things have gone so bad that you have no choice but to do something you'd otherwise never do, something that you would fight to your last breath to stop someone else from doing in other circumstances. That time had come, the time to bring back the baddest motherfucker on the planet and hope that he's not too angry about the fact that somebody killed him with a pair of rainbows.

Of course, things didn't go quite as planned.
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You want me to take this more seriously? Really? Fine. I'll quite renaming ponies, but that's as far as I'm willing to go. You wanted my story in my own words, chronicler, so you'll have to bear it. Okay? Good. Now, where was I...
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I am not, by nature, a difficult person to get along with. I have a number of eccentricities, but who doesn't, really? I consider myself to be a pretty laid-back guy, when it's all said and done. However, there are a few things that I consider sacrosanct...

Such as my right to sleep as long as I fucking want on a Saturday.

Friday nights, I unwind, playing my favorite games, binging on my favorite animes and manga, and more or less just doing whatever I want until three or four in the am. I work hard during the week, so when the weekend rolls around, I don't waste any time waiting to enjoy myself. This means that I have to sleep late on Saturday, or else I'm a grumpy fuck for the rest of the weekend.

Which was, of course, why on one Saturday morning, I began waking up to the sound of someone, or perhaps I should say several someones, speaking in hushed whispers in my room. My luck is just plain shitty like that.

I am pretty slow to wake up on Saturdays, though, even after my eight hours, so I was only half-paying attention to what they were saying, but it sounded a bit... odd.

"Is he... alive?" This voice had a certain gruffness to it, in spite of being the voice of a young woman in her early twenties. She had the kind of voice you might expect from someone who'd done some time in the service, or maybe some time behind bars. The kind of voice that proclaimed that she'd seen some shit, and if she was going to see some more, well, she'd be ready with some shit of her own to deal with it. My brain dubbed her as Gruffette.

"I can see him breathing, so he must be," another voice said. This one had a certain... educated quality to it. Every word was fully enunciated, as if she was slightly afraid of being misunderstood on accident. She sounded really cute, though. My brain decided that the best name for her was Nerdette.

Okay, like I said, I am slow to rise, so my mind had not yet caught on the the fact that there were two females in the same room with me, watching me sleep. However, something in my brain did file the conversation it heard under 'Deeply Suspicious' and began to initiate emergency awakening procedures, but another part of my mind concluded, 'I must have left the tv on last night', and my brain went back into regular startup mode.

"But why isn't he doing anything?" Gruff girl asked, sounding more than a little confused.

There was a pause, and the cute nerd girl said, "Maybe he's just tired? You get exhausted easily when you're recovering from a serious injury, right? He was dead five minutes ago, and I can't think of a more serious injury than that."

Gruffette said, "Or he's come back as a vegetable. Something must have gone wrong." There was a snort, and she added, "I told you that one hundred and eight wasn't the right number for the ritual. It should have been an even hundred. What kind of number is one hundred and eight for anything?"

My brain, on auto-pilot, started my mouth working, and mumbled, "One hundred and eight is the number of times a bell is rung to ring in the new year in Japan, as well as the number of shrines visited in a traditional pilgrimage. It is also the number of tiles used in a game of mahjong, and the number of double-stitches on a baseball." As an afterthought, I added, "Offering one hundred and eight roses is also a form of asking for someone's hand in marriage." It was strange, my voice sounded... off in my ears. It sounded dark, gruff, guttural. Evil...

There was a moment of silence, followed by Nerdette saying in a smug whisper, "See, I told you that I had it right."

There was a loud gulp, followed by Gruffette whispering, "Don't sound so proud of yourself. Remember who you've just brought back from the dead."

Whispering, yet still somehow managing to sound annoyed, Nerdette said, "I haven't forgotten, but think of the possibilities. We've just succeeded in returning... him from the great beyond." It should be impossible to squee while whispering, but somehow she managed, exclaiming quietly, "We've proved that the ritual works! If we could find Celestia's remains..."

With an equally annoyed mutter, Gruffette said, "If there's anything left of her, you mean. You weren't there, Sunset, so you didn't see what it was like that day. I doubt that there's enough left of either of them to fill a thimble."

"Oh," Nerdette, or rather... Sunset? Weird name. Well, anyhow, she sounded terribly disappointed.

My brain was at about twenty-five percent activation, and rising. By now, I had realized that either I had brought home two girls last night (Which isn't exactly something I usually do), or I was sleeping someplace other than my room. Either way, they were preventing me from getting any more sleep on a Saturday morning, a crime I regard as only one rung below punching a baby in the face. I muttered, "Look, I don't know what the two of you are going on about, but unless both of you are naked, one of you has a jar of honey, and you are both feeling frisky this morning, I'm going to need to ask you to leave. I'm trying to get some sleep here."

There was a sound like several articles of clothing hitting the ground, and the nerdy sounding voice called out, "Does anybody have any honey on them?"

A third voice, surprisingly perky, called out, "I do!"

My libido, hearing that, abruptly activated emergency wake up procedures, as well as emergency sexy-time procedures. I instantly snapped awake and sprang up out of bed, my eyes opening wide as I shouted, "I'M AWAKE!!!"

...And promptly found myself facing a crowd of ponies, all of them staring at me wide-eyed in shock.

Well, that killed my morning wood pretty damned quickly.
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Commander Ironhide, the muscular brown boar who led the elite soldiers of Boardor, the Razorbacks, looked at his troops in frustration. It wasn't their fault, he reminded himself. They'd not expected the ponies to trigger an avalanche to close the pass behind them. His boars were doing their best to clear the snow as quickly as possible, and if you set one hundred adult boars to digging anything, they'll make a mole turn envious for the sheer volume of stuff they can move, but they weren't moving fast enough...

A shadow fell over him, and he turned, not surprised to see the Swineherd, his master's right trotter, looming above him. The titanic, black-armored boar said, simply, "Master nap over. Master want know why stop when ponies no am caught." He wasn't the brightest of boars, but he more than made up with it with size, muscle, and a capacity for violence that made even the most deranged psychotic look like a pansy-sniffing pacifist.

Clearing his throat, Ironhide said, "The ponies triggered an avalanche to slow us down. We're clearing the snow now, and expect to be through any moment now."

The giant nodded, then turned around, heading back to the master's palanquin. Ironhide would have to hurry and catch those ponies before sunset, and the master lost his patience. The commander shuddered, frightened to his core. Who wouldn't be frightened of failing someone named Diretusk the Cruel?

Wherever I Am, There Is Joy And Laughter

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There are not enough words in the world to sufficiently describe the pandemonium that followed. There were screams, there were shouts, there were mares calling for their mothers. Surprisingly, those calls came from the older ponies, not the few younger ones who were watching the grownups acting like idiots with looks of amusement on their faces. A lot of the ponies were shouting things like, "He's a zombie! He'll eat our flesh!", "He's a vampire! He'll eat our blood!", and "He's a demon! He'll eat our souls!" And then there was my personal favorite, "He's a zombie vampire demon! He'll eat our EVERYTHING!!!"

As strange as it sounds, the fact that nearly everyone else in the room was freaking out kept me from freaking out. Otherwise, I might have totally lost my shit, especially since I was just discovering that my body... was no longer my body. I had hooves where my hands should be, and instead of my normal skin, I had a a gray fur-covered hide. I looked around to see what I could find for a reflective surface so that I could take stock in regards to how much my body had changed.

That allowed me to take notice for the first time of my surroundings. I was in a large chamber inside of a cave, it seemed, one illuminated by a number of glowing crystals. Although, on further analysis, it seemed less like a cave and more like an artificial tunnel that had been allowed to go a long, long time without any maintenance, or perhaps a natural cavern that someone had expanded upon in ancient times. Either way, it was obviously ages old, given the presence of stalagmites and stalactites, strongly implying that, even if this cavern might have started out artificial, it was well on its way to becoming a natural cavern.

I'm not a geologist, but I took a geology class in college as an elective, so I learned a lot about rocks, minerals, and other related topics, including the fact that crystals normally don't glow. There are a small number that can, but normally only UV lights. Then again, I'd noticed a number of horns on the ponies running around screamed, as well as wings, which led me to believe that my earth science might not apply to the world of talking ponies.

I could only see one way out of the chamber, and that was on the other side of the herd of panicked equines, so there was no chance of my getting out that way right at the moment.

After a few seconds of searching, I found a crystal that wasn't glowing, but had a smooth, reflective surface, and gave myself a look...

Okay, when most humans hear the word 'Unicorn', they picture something from a Lisa Frank notebook, the kind with a twirly rainbow mane and horn, sparkly eyes, and a dopey looking facial expression. They imagine a prancing magical horse that uses a marshmallow laser to do battle with an evil gummi bear king with a five year old girl in a pink dress and carrying a glittery pink magic wand riding on its back. They imagine something that ate sugar and farted butterflies. Something that looks like it should be made into a little girl's toy that the girl's barbie dolls ride on. They did not, as a rule, imagine what I looked like.

If someone put the kind of unicorn I had become on a notebook cover, it would be the kind of notebook that belonged to the front man of a German death metal band. If I went into battle, it would be while launching lightning bolts and fireballs at a black dragon, and with a fucking lich riding on my back wielding a staff forged from the bones of murdered gods. I looked like something that ate pretty pink princesses and shat leather-clad dominatrices. If someone made a girl's toy of this unicorn, it would impregnate all the barbie dolls, disembowel every teddy bear in the little girl's possession, then build itself a throne from the dismembered remains of her brother's GI Joes.

I looked like the most villainous thing to ever be given hooves. No wonder everyone was freaking out. I really did look like a vampire demon unicorn, although the zombie thing was just rude. Behind me, the two ponies who had been talking seemed to be trying to restore order, along with a few others. They didn't seem to be having much success, though, given that the sound of everyone screaming was doing a magnificent job of drowning them out. Until they got everyone settled, I was unlikely to get any answers whatsoever...

I took a deep breath, and shouted at the top of my lungs, "WILL EVERYONE PLEASE JUST SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP, ALREADY?!" Sadly, it seemed I had not gotten enough sleep to keep me completely out of Grumpy-Fuck mode.

Almost instantly, every mare in the cavern complied, although many of them were clearly trembling at the sight of me. Clearing my throat, I said, "Thank you." Looking over at the two ponies that were closest to me, I commanded, "You two. Explain." I did not make that a question. This was not the face of someone who needed to ask a question to get an answer...

The first one to speak was the one that I had dubbed Gruffette, a neon blue pegasus (Or at least, I assumed that was what the winged ponies called themselves) with a black mane, in a military cut. She had a mark on her butt cheeks that depicted a sword with a pair of golden wings framing it. Unlike most of the ponies present, she was... sparkly, like she was made from gemstones, instead of flesh and blood. She began to say, "Who do you think you are, ordering us aro..."

She stopped mid-sentence when I gave her what I thought was an annoyed glance. Instead, it seemed that I had given her a look fit to give little children nightmares. Her expression changed instantly from one of fierce rebellion to one of abject terror as she halted so abruptly that she almost bit her tongue, and immediately covered her mouth with her hooves, trying to smother a terrified shriek. She did a middling job of it, and her wide eyes betrayed the horror she felt just from the look on my face.

Well, it seemed that I was even more terrifying than I thought I was. She was so frightened of me that I was surprised that she didn't fear-shit her internal organs in alphabetical order. Had she been twenty, or maybe even just ten years older, I'd likely have stopped her heart right then and there.

Returning my expression to something more neutral, I said, "Your name."

Gulping, she said, "L-Ladyhawke, sir." She was now visibly shivering, clearly expecting me to strike her down that instant. Given my appearance, I didn't blame her one bit.

With a small smile, I said, "I'll make certain to remember that." She cringed at that simple statement, but said nothing else. Turning towards the other, the one I assumed was Nerdette, I said, "Now, an explanation."

Nerdette was a tan unicorn, and her mark was a magic wand with a gold star at the tip. She had a purple mane with a yellow streak through it, and she looked terrified of me, yet at the same time intensely curious. She resembled a scientist who had just discovered an alien life form, and while it might have looked like the bastard offspring of a tiger, a shark, and a porcupine, she still wanted to have a chance to study it...

Clearing her throat, she said, "My... my name is Sparkling Sunset, your eminence." Bowing deeply, she said, "I apologize for my presumptuous, but I... no, we have called you back from the halls of the fallen to aid us in this, our darkest hour. Please, King Sombra, help us!"

Looking down at the kneeling unicorn, I asked, "Help with what?"

She blushed with embarrassment, then said, meekly, "Oh, right, yes, you've been dead for a year, so you wouldn't know." She picked up a scarf and a wooly hat from the ground beside her, the garments that she had removed a few moments ago. She gestured to the only exit to the chamber and said, "If you'll follow me, I'll explain as we go..."
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Okay, there's crazy, there's insane, and then there's Equestria. I stared up at the sky as I listened to Sparkling Sunset drone on about the state of the world, as fucked up as it was.

The sky...

Words are insufficient to do it justice, honestly. Up above me was the sun and the moon. Well, half of each, really. The two had collided, and instead of the sun incinerating the moon, it had... shattered, as had the lunar satellite, and both were clearly the same size. The remaining halves of each celestial object had remained together, and hung there like the corpse of a murdered sky-god. The sky, locked in a perpetual starry dusk, was littered with clearly visible fragments from both, as well as darker patches where, apparently, this Nightmare Moon chick had ripped out stars to throw them at her sister, Celestia...

"...and with both Luna and Celestia gone, the fiends of Tartatus broke loose, and started rampaging everywhere. My teacher, Clover the Clever, told me that, if she couldn't stop them, I would need to gather one hundred and eight virgin mares, and use ritual she taught to me to bring you back from the dead." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her blush as she said, "It took a lot longer than I thought it would. Most mares marry young and start producing offspring pretty quickly. I had to cheat and gather a number of war-orphans along the way to meet the required one hundred and eight." She shot a glare at Ladyhawke, who stood on my other side, and said, "Although someone thought that just one hundred should be enough." Looking at the horizon, she continued, stating, "Of course, things have only gotten worse since then..."

Listening to this young unicorn describe the downfall of a civilization of sapient ponies, and staring up at an impossible sky, I reached the only sane conclusion anyone would reach in that situation...

I had to either be dreaming, insane, or stoned out of my fucking mind. Or maybe even a combination of any or all of the three.
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The Razorbacks had made it through the snowbanks at last, creating a tunnel wide enough for their comrades to march through. Breathing a sigh of relief, Commander Ironhide raised a trotter and shouted, "All units! Forward march!" His soldiers began their advance, and within three minutes, they had cleared the pass, and could see, once again, the mountain that he was certain was the ponies' goal. Odd looking mountain, though: He'd almost have mistaken the top for some kind of citadel from this distance...

My Day Is Filled With Delightful Surprises

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I was so taken by the state of the sky that I failed to see what was on the horizon until Ladyhawke shouted...

"OH DUNG!!!" she exclaimed, her eyes widening as she pointed ahead. "The Razorbacks are coming!"

I tore my gaze from the heavens to take in more earthly concerns, and saw that something was definitely advancing upon us. A whole hellofalotta something. On the other side of a vast plain of snow, a line of black was advancing towards us. It took me a moment to fully understand what I was seeing...

It was an army. An army of boars in black metal armor. Huge boars, too, large enough to make a Russian Boar look like a piglet in comparison. Worse, there had to be THOUSANDS of the bastards, and they mere marching with the disciplined lockstep that you typically see in an extremely well-trained army. The ground was already starting to shake from the power of their mighty strides. They were moving slow, but with the sort of slow inevitability that one might normally assign to the tide coming in.

Sparkling Sunset, her tone one of disbelief, said, "But I was certain that they'd never be able to clear Frostbite Pass after the avalanche we set off..."

Taking in the sheer numbers of the advancing force, I wagered a guess and said, "With that many boars working together, it wouldn't be too difficult to clear the way." Armies the world over have learned how to dig, and dig well, and have been doing so since ancient times: The Roman Legions were trained vigorously with the use of their shovels, far more than with their weapons or armor. Those shovels let them build earthwork fortifications for the defense of their camps, latrines for sanitation, roads for faster transportation, and even allowed them to dig and collapse tunnels for the purpose of bringing down the walls of fortresses during a siege. A typical Roman Legionnaire spent far more time with a shovel in his hands than he ever did with his sword and shield. Hell, in the modern age, soldiers were taught how to use them as weapons, and the Spetznaz were trained to be lethal with a thrown shovel. Plus, wild boars are well known for being avid diggers. Roots, grubs, truffles, if it grows in the ground, a boar can dig it up and rip it out.

They're also known for doing some very nasty things to people that get in their way. Dream or hallucination, I sure as fuck didn't want to see a bunch of girls, including little kids, get gored to death by evil swine...

After a moment's thought, I said, "They're about seven miles away, and while they're moving at a steady pace, they're not running. At their current speed, I'd say it'll take... fifteen to twenty minutes to reach us, minimum." Looking over at Sparkling Sunset, I asked, "So... after bringing me back from the dead, what was the next step of your plan?"

Gulping, she answered, "I... hadn't planned that far ahead yet."

I snorted, then said, "Typical." She'd been so focused on her goal that she'd forgotten that she'd need to have some idea of what to do afterward achieving it. Then again, maybe she'd expected me to do all of that for her. She did look awfully young to be leading anyone anywhere, so I suppose that her lack of foresight could be forgiven. I looked back at the cave, then said, "The tunnel's only wide enough to let one in at a time, I think. We could probably hold them off longer in there than we could out here."

Sunset nodded, then said, "Alright." She looked over at Ladyhawke and said, "Take every pegasus who can fly and have them carry the fillies and colts out of here. The Boarcs don't have any fliers with them, so you should be able to get away without much trouble."

I'm glad she said that, I might not have thought of it myself. Of course, I'd only been here... five minutes? I'd not really had time to take things in. I'd not even had time to think about how the fuck I was walking around so naturally on four legs...

Lady shook her head and said, "Wouldn't work: It's too cold to fly for very long out here. Icing on the wings would cripple us before we got more than a mile or two. Besides, where can we go? What food we've got left is in the carts," she paused, and pointed towards a set of carts set to one side of the cave opening that I had missed earlier. There were a few sacks, probably filled with grains or something like that, but not that many, especially not for a party of one hundred or more. "We could carry food or foals, but not both. We run, we'll starve, if we don't freeze first." Looking over at me, she asked, "Can't you just cast a spell and...?" She left it hanging, but I figured I knew what she was asking. They brought me back from the dead to save them from hordes of rampaging monsters, so I figured that I must be pretty damned badass, whatever kind of fucked up dream or hallucination this was. Still...

"Your faith in me almost brings me to tears," I said wryly, "but you're asking a bit much for someone who just came back from the dead. I'll need at least three good meals and a good night's sleep before I'll be ready for those kinds of odds." I turned around, back towards the cave we had just left... and noticed for the first time the mountain it came out of. It had a rather... distinctive shape. I pointed towards the cave, and said, "Ladyhawke, have a few ponies come out here and gather the food. Leave the carts, but don't leave a single sack behind. We'll need that food to hold us until we can resupply." Turning towards Sunset, I added, "Follow me. We're heading back to the main chamber."

Ladyhawke, surprisingly, didn't argue, but instead zipped down the cave at high speeds. I guess one near heart attack was enough for one day. As we walked inside, Sparkling Sunset asked, "But what can we do inside?"

I chuckled, then asked, "Doesn't this mountain have a rather... distinctive shape?"

"Distinctive how?" the mare asked, confused.

"Well, just think on it as we go," I said as we continued onwards. Noting the squarish shape of the tunnel, and how it seemed perfectly clear of stalactites and stalagmites, I added, "And this tunnel is far too straight and true to have been made naturally."

Taking in the tunnel, she admitted, "You're probably right, and I'll admit, the mountain does have a funny shape to it. But..." She fell silent, still trying to figure out where I was going with this...

As the chamber came in sight, Ladyhawke zipped past us again, this time with a dozen pegasai following, as well as ten earth ponies. They gave us as wide a berth as they could. I asked Sunset, "This ritual that brought me back, did it have to be done here, or could it be done anywhere?"

Sunset answered, "I'm... not sure. Clover the Clever told me to collect your remains from the royal crypts, gather one hundred and eight virgin mares, and then take both here to perform the ritual, but... the instructions for the ritual itself didn't mention a specific time or a place." With a look of consternation, she asked, "But why does all of that matter?"

Smiling, I said, "You'll see soon enough."

We reached the chamber where we had started out, the mares all looking at us, or maybe just me, for guidance. It seemed that Ladyhawke had told them what was coming. They looked frightened, of course, yet somehow they looked... determined. Whatever those Razorbacks were, the ponies didn't plan on being taken alive, and they didn't plan to go without a fight.

And on that subject...

As I studied the chamber, I asked, "What's the deal with the canned hams, by the way? Were they sealed in Tartarus, too?" I looked to the crystal that I had first noted my reflection in. One dull crystal, red in hue...

"No," she answered promptly, "although in a perfect world they would have been. Grogar, one of the fiends that had been sealed away, wanted to force all of the other escapees to obey him, so he could crown himself the undisputed ruler of Equestria. The old goat wasn't strong enough to do so alone, so he struck a deal with the ruler of the realm of Boardor, far to the south. Together, he was certain that they could succeed in forcing the other fiends to obey him, and together, he and the Boarcs could begin conquering Equestria in earnest. However, Grogar was betrayed almost as soon as the Boarc ships landed on our coast. The ruler of Boardor, Diretusk the Cruel, is a master of dark magic, including a rite called Subjugation. It allows him to twist the minds of creatures with evil hearts, so that they gleefully serve him without question, but think that it's of their own free will. More than half the fiends have already been captured and Subjugated. His forces are well on their way to conquering Equestria, and..." She stopped, having difficulty continuing. She didn't need to. I already knew what she was about to admit: And no one was powerful enough to stop him. Except for me? Maybe.

And with a name that ends with 'The Cruel', odds were that Hamhocks the Flatulent wasn't going to be treating his subjects all that well when he was done seizing power...

I completed my survey, spotting a seventh dull crystal, a violet one...

*Crystals...*

I didn't know where that thought had suddenly come from, but it didn't feel like one of my thoughts. It was like... you know how when you think to yourself, it sort of 'sounds' like your own voice? This didn't sound like my voice, but rather the voice that now came out when I spoke. Why had that thought suddenly crossed my mind, and with such... intensity? It had almost had an... sexual thrill to it, and I'm more of an ass man than a lithophile...

I shook my head. I didn't have time to dwell on it. I'd had lucid dreams before, and even a lucid hallucination when I'd been put on some heavy duty pain meds after a nasty accident in my teens. I'd learned one thing after the first time I had one of those: If I stood around doing nothing, it quickly became a nightmare, and a spectacularly nasty one. Likewise, if I started announcing that it was a dream to anyone around me, it turned nasty as well. To keep this dream from getting ugly, I had to play along, and keep moving forward.

"Thanks for the information," I said with a nod. "Now, be a dear, and when I tell you to, shine a beam of light on the large crystals around the room, the ones that aren't glowing. You'll likely need to light them in the following order: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, and Violet. But do not do so until I give the signal."

Whatever you might say about her long-term planning skills, Sunset was a pretty smart cookie. She caught on almost instantly. "You think that there's some sort of device in this room, one that can be activated by lighting up the crystals?"

Nodding, I said, "Precisely. This... Clover the Clever, I think that she had you bring me here because there's something here, something that we'll need." This was my dream/hallucination, after all. Why wouldn't there be something like that? I've played every Zelda game at least twice, and a hundred other rpgs besides. I know how this shit works.

Sparkling Sunset seemed about to ask something when Ladyhawke and the others returned, carrying sacks. Dropping down in front of us and setting her sack down with an 'Oof', she sat down, panting for breath. "Alright, we got it all. There's enough grain in these sacks to keep the lot of us for a couple of weeks, but I doubt we'll hold out that long when the Razorbacks get here..."

With a half-smile that seemed to unsettle the crystalline pegasus, I said, "We may last longer than you think. Now, do we need to wait for anyone else?"

She gave a quick hop, hovered in midair, and spun, giving a quick count, before dropping back down. "All one hundred and eight of us are here." She gave me a look that said, louder than words, that whatever I had planned had better be pretty fucking spectacular...

I nodded, then said to Sunset, "Please begin."

She nodded in return, and began shining a light on each of the crystals in the order I had described. As the light touched each of the crystals, they began to glow. And when she touched the last one...

There was a brilliant white light that filled the room, and...

And suddenly, we were in a chamber, somewhat similar to the one we were in before. However, this one was cleaner. Much cleaner: This one looked like how the other one had probably looked before the hands have time had taken a sledgehammer to the place. There was one exit, leading to a long hallway.

The mares in the room gave out exclamations of surprise at the change in scenery. With a chuckle, I said, "Teleporter. Should have known." Classic. While I'd expected a secret passage to open, maybe with a cheery little tune to play to let us know we'd done it right, this was actually a bit better. Unless the Razorbacks had a magician with them, and one smart enough to figure out how the device worked, we'd be safe from our pursuers, at least while the supplies held out.

"Incredible," Sunset said, looking at the room around her. "This architecture, I've only seen it in books until now. It looks to be pre-Unification Unicorn, at least three centuries old, if not longer. It's definitely unicorn work: It's nearly impossible to get such smooth surfaces without using magic..." She looked like she was about to have a nerd-gasm right on the spot...

I cleared my throat and said, "We can admire the architecture later. We need to keep moving. I don't think that the Baconators will figure out how to get in here anytime soon, but let's not take any chances." Looking at Ladyhawke, I said, "You and Sunset are with me. We'll check the next chamber, and when we've confirmed that there's nothing dangerous, you'll come back and let the others know it's safe to move forward." Lady looked like she was about to argue, but I held up a hoof, stopping whatever objection that she was about to voice. "You and your friends brought me back to help. I'm trying to be helpful. Don't make me want to be... unhelpful. I think we all know how that will turn out."

Lady suppressed a shudder, then gulped, nodded, and said, "Affirmative." I reassessed my previous assumptions about her. She was definitely a soldier of some sort: An ex-con would have problems with being ordered around by someone else, but a soldier is used to being ordered around by someone with higher authority, even if it was someone that they disliked.

In addition, I was beginning to understand that this body came with a bad reputation to go with the frightening appearance, and Ladyhawke seemed to have a far better understanding of it than anyone else. Sunset was able to carry on a conversation with me without any difficulty, but Ladyhawke couldn't even maintain eye contact with me for more than half a second without shivering.

I couldn't help but wonder if the sparkly pegasus had some sort of history with whoever it was I was hallucinating I was...
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"No... No NO NOOOOOO!!!!"

Ironhide desperately searched every corner of the room, trying to find some sign of where the ponies had gone. The carts outside were a clear sign that they'd entered the cave, and the tracks on the floor were fresh enough that he could easily see that they'd missed their targets by only a few minutes at the most, but all one hundred and eight mares, including Clover the Clever's student, were gone, with only the ozone scent of recently expended magic in the air betraying a clue as to what had happened.

The master would have his tusks, if he was lucky. If not, there were far worse things...

The Swineherd entered the chamber, having difficulty squeezing through the entrance. Gulping, Ironhide said, "Tell the master that we're trying to determine the whereabouts of the ponies now..."

"Yes, I can see that," a childish voice said, from atop the larger boar's back.

Oh no...

Another boar, smaller and carrying a ladder, deposited his load against the Swineherd's side, and a piglet began climbing down from the giant's lofty heights. Bright pink with brown spots covering his body, and wearing a black cape with an fur trim, the runt would have been almost comical, especially given the oversized crown atop his head, but anyone who knew of him would sooner rip out their own tongue than allow even a small chuckle to escape in his presence.

"It appears you've lost your quarry," Diretusk the Cruel said, an expression of annoyance on his face.

Ironhide was not to proud to beg. "Please master, I just need a little time, and I..."

The piglet cut him off with a glare from his beady little eyes, and said, "I told you to make the capture of Clover the Clever's student a priority, and you dallied, scoffing of the thought of a single mare, barely more than a filly, being a threat to us. Your exact words, if I recall." He sniffed the air, and frowned, before continuing. "When my scrying revealed that she was gathering virgin mares in order to revive King Sombra, you scoffed, thinking it impossible she could succeed in gathering that many when the odds were so against her. When she succeeded in gathering those mares, and began traveling here, you scoffed, saying that a herd of mares could never survive the journey. And when we began our pursuit, you scoffed, saying that there was no way that they could escape us. And yet now here we stand, in a chamber that reeks of blood magic." He pointed at the glowing crystals around the room, all of them quickly beginning to dim. "The spell that they used to escape this room is a one-time only spell that can only be triggered with unicorn magic. I cannot trace it, and I cannot safely duplicate it and guarantee that whoever I send won't simply end up as part of the mountain. Those mares could be anywhere in the world now, and King Sombra is now with them." With an angry, yet tiny, growl, he proclaimed, "You have failed me, and failed me, and failed me again, and now you beg me for more time?" With a snort, he said, in a cold, dark voice, the single most dreaded word a boar can hear.

"Hogwash."

There's begging, and there's begging. Falling on his belly, Ironhide pleaded at his master's trotters, "Please master, not the hogwash! Anything but that!"

With a snort, Diretusk the Cruel turned and shouted over his shoulder, "BRING THE BUCKETS, AND THE BRUSHES!!!"

Tears in his eyes, the command whimpered, "Master, I have served you, and your father, and your father's father, with greater distinction than any other officer in your armies. I have brought you many victories, all throughout the realms. Please, does that mean nothing to you?"

The piglet looked thoughtful as a pair of boars entered the chamber, one carrying a scrubbing brush, and the other gingerly carrying a bucket of soapy water, careful not to let any splash out. A boar's pride is his filthy coat and his rancid stench. A full grown boar has a smell, no, a STANK, that can render a grown stallion unconscious, should one dare to get too close. To scrub away the years of dirt, grime, and... other things, and leave his hide naked to the world... there can be no greater shame.

The piglet grinned wickedly, and said, "It means that you'll get to be scrubbed twice as hard as anypiggy else... and that you'll get a nice strong splash of perfume when we're done!" The cruel ruler of Boardor pulled out from a pack on the Swineherd's side a bottle. It was pink, with little red roses decorating it...

Ironhide's screams were load enough to be heard from more than thirty miles away.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Rubbing his sore ears, Diretusk muttered, "Don't be such a drama queen."

Every Day Is An Adventure

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I admit, this was starting to get kinda fun. There'd been a puzzle room, and now we were starting to explore a dungeon. I'll freely admit, I've had dreams where I was the protagonist of an anime or a video game. I'd like to think that is a fairly common thing for guys like me. This 'dream' seemed to have a few things in common with a few of my favorite animes, actually. For example, there was Bastard!!, where the protagonist, Dark Schneider, was killed on the verge of conquering the world, then revived when a new threat emerged. Then there was Shina Dark, where the 'Evil Overlord' Exoda C. Claw came back from the dead, surprised to find himself confronted by a small army of women who had been... donated to him in order to appease him so that he wouldn't start wrecking everyone's shit, and now the fairly nice and not at all perverted overlord had to work out what to do with the one thousand women now on his doorstep. And then there's the Suikoden series, where there's one hundred and eight heroes to find and add to the main character's team...

With all of those elements put together, it seemed obvious to me that this was all just a product of my spectacularly over-active imagination. I freely admit, my mind is a pretty crazy place even at the best of times, and due to some of the shit that had recently transpired in my life, I certainly couldn't blame my brain for deciding that take a break from reality. So, if I was going on a mini-vacation inside my head, I fully intended to enjoy it...

I kinda wished my imagination had populated my fantasy with some hot babes instead of a bunch of horses, but hey, you can't have everything, right?

"I don't see why you're being so cautious," Ladyhawke said, behind me, as I began peering into the next room. "This place is probably completely deserted."

"Clean, warm, and moist," I muttered, trying to keep my voice down. You never know when you might run into a sound activated trap.

I heard Sunset give a little 'What?' and Ladyhawke gave a noise that expressed her confusion equally well. I chuckled, then decided to give the two of them a little more explanation. "This place is too clean: The floor, walls, and ceiling are completely free of dust, to the point of being brand new, and yet the architecture is of a style three centuries old. So, who or what does the cleaning? This place is too warm: Five minutes ago, we were someplace that was cold enough that you needed winter wear. If this place is inside of the mountain and at a much higher elevation, and I'm almost certain it is, it should be freezing. Instead, it's as warm as a spring afternoon. Where is the warmth coming from, and why? This place is too moist: Underground catacombs are often dry and dusty, but this place is at an almost ideal level of humidity. Why would that be?"

I heard Sunset give a gulp, and behind me, I heard Lady shift slightly, as if changing to a more combat-ready posture. After a moment, Sunset said, "Well, all of that could be managed by magic..."

With a grin, I turned around to look at the two of them, and said, "Exactly. But magic like that, spells that make an inhospitable place hospitable, those spells tend to be the first to wear off when a place is abandoned, right?" Sunset nodded, and I added, "But defensive spells, traps to keep out intruders, those tend to last a long, long time, yes?" This was just me making random guesses, but let's be honest: How many games have you played where the ancient ruins look completely wrecked, but the traps worked just as well as they had the day they were made?

The unicorn gave a little 'oh' of surprise and nodded, finally getting the picture, and Lady began looking around suspiciously, seeing traps in every corner, I was certain. That was probably the best mindset for her to be in: I'm an avid Dark Souls enthusiast, and I would not have put it past my imagination to recreate Sen's Fortress in Magic Ponyland...

"I hope I'm overthinking it," I admitted after a moment, and turned back towards the hallway ahead. I chuckled again, then said, "Then again, he who made kittens put snakes in the grass." Turning back one more time, I advised, "So be sure to watch your step." With that, we stepped forward into the next chamber.

And it was kind of a letdown, to be honest with you. It was very similar to the last chamber. Clean to the point of being sterile, the walls were perfectly smooth, save for the one opposite the doorway we walked in through. On that wall, there was a single marking, shaped like a horseshoe and glowing a bright blue. I desperately hoped that it would be as safe as it looked, but Dark Souls 1 and 2, as well as I Wanna Be The Guy, have turned me into a suspicious bastard. I checked the floor, walls, and ceiling thoroughly, but there was nothing. The room was flawless, save for that one mark. If we wanted to move forward, someone would have to stick their hoof on the mark, and hope that they didn't explode. I turned the others, then said, "Wait here. I'll go see what that thing does."

Walking across the room, I couldn't help but notice how... calm this placed seemed. It had an almost tranquil air to it. It felt less like a dungeon, like I had expected, and more like I was in a shrine, or a cathedral...

I reached the opposite wall without incident, and laid my hoof against the the mark.

I heard a sound behind me, then turned around. I was surprised to see what I would have sworn was a hologram of Gandalf the Gray in pony form, only more... festive. Honestly, this dude had an awesome beard, but I don't know how he expected to be taken seriously with all those bells.

Her eyes wide, I heard Sparkling Sunset whisper in awe from the doorway, "That's Starswirl the Bearded..."

"I am Starswirl the Bearded," the hologram confirmed, his expression grim. "If you are hearing this, then my greatest fears have been realized, and Equestria is in terrible danger." With a sad sigh, he continued, "I am growing old, and I am preparing to journey with Scorpan, in order to help him bring the magic of friendship to his homeland. I do not expect to return. However, recent events have lead me to believe that it is possible that one day, a terrible disaster may befall this peaceful realm. As such, I have left directions for how to find this place with my student, Clover the Clever, with instructions to reveal its location only to those who are worthy of this sacred trust."

The hologram turned, and looked in my direction. He began pacing back and forth as he explained, "Celestia and I had a falling out recently, over reasons I have sworn to reveal to no other soul. However, those events taught me something, something that Equestria seems to have failed to realize. Celestia and Luna, as great and powerful as they may be, are still ponies. They laugh, they cry, they hate, and... they love, the same as all of us, and those emotions can impact their decisions. They are great, but they are not perfect, and I fear that one day, Equestria may pay the price for one of their mistakes."

He stopped, his expression disgusted as he said, "And yet, we have grown too reliant upon the two of them. Before the two alicorns took the throne, the vocation of wizard, or warrior, or scout, was a common one. Great ponies went on adventures into wild and dangerous territory, winning glory and returning with new knowledge and opening new trade routes to other places, and having such reckless and daring heroes helped make Equestria a safer place. Now, however, we have grown complacent: Adventurers are the exception, not the rule. We rely on the princesses to handle everything that this world can throw at us, and they easily throw into Tartarus every monster that might threaten ponykind. This has made us safe, yet it has also made us soft. Progress is slowing to a crawl. In my youth, new spells were invented every year, but my own most recent contribution, a spell concerning the creation of pottery, is the only new enchantment to be created in fifty years, and another is unlikely to appear for a long, long time. Our magic is less a weapon of war or a tool of survival, and more a bauble to entertain children. Our current generation of soldiers is comprised of peacekeepers, not warriors, and have more experience breaking up fights than they do in fighting battles. I say this now, and I say it with certainty: Without the alicorns, Equestria would quickly fall into ruin."

Boy, was he ever right...

With a snort, he resumed pacing and said, "Perhaps I am wrong, and Equestria will see more than a thousand years of relative peace before this great work of mine will need to be used. Perhaps Celestia and Luna will prove to be up to the task of guiding this nation into a golden age. However, I would be remiss if I did not plan for the day when they might fail..."

Turning back in my direction, he stood on his hind legs, and pointed a hoof upwards, "And so, in preparation for when Equestrian survival may become impossible, I have created the impossible: The Ultimate Fortress, Sanctuary." Falling back to his hooves, he continued, "If you are here, I hope that, upon seeing what awaits upstairs, you will make use of what I have provided you responsibly, should there be need of it. If there is no need, then I hope that you will leave this place as you found it. I did not invest all of my time and effort into creating a weapon for a new dark lord to lay waste to my homeland."

With that, the hologram disappeared, and behind me, I heard a noise. I turned around, and saw that a doorway was opening where the glowing hoofprint once was. I had to admit, I was impressed: The wall had seemed perfectly seamless just a moment ago...

Turning back to the ponies, I said, "You two go and grab the others. I'll wait here. Now that we know who made this place, and why, I think we can relax a little bit." I was kind of disappointed: I was half-expecting at least a couple of random encounters and a boss fight, but instead, it seemed that we were still on the opening cutscenes...
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As Sparkling Sunset and Ladyhawke walked back down the hallway to the other mares, the pegasus couldn't help but vent her spleen, griping at her comrade in arms. "Who does he think he is, ordering us around?"

With a snort, Sunset rebutted, "Asides from the smartest and most powerful unicorn in the world?" After a moment, she admitted, "He's a lot nicer than I expected him to be, given everything you told me about him."

Rolling her eyes, Lady said, "Don't let him fool you. The only reason King Sombra is being so nice is because he needs us. He's been out of the picture for a year, and there's monsters all over Equestria that gave even the princesses trouble. He doesn't know what the score is, so he isn't ready to dispose of us yet. He won't try anything until he's sure he's safe, and once he is, out will come the whips and chains, and he'll be all 'Crystal Slaves' again." The crystal pegasus gave a shudder, and said, "I still think that we should have brought back Commander Hurricane instead."

"Commander Hurricane was more than ninety years old when he died," the unicorn reminded her. "And while he might have been the best battlefield commander in Equestria, he couldn't do anything about the fiends of Tartarus, even with an army of Equestria's bravest warriors at his back." Sadly, she added, "Even with Clover the Clever helping him..."

Ladyhawke let out a long, frustrated sigh, and admitted, "You're right. But we'll need to keep an eye on the jerk back there. I was there when he took the Crystal Empire. I've seen what he is capable of, and let me tell you, once you've seen it for yourself, you'll have nightmares for the rest of your life."
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"I like big butts, and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny..."

Why? Because I could, because it was fun, and because it was fucking funny. If you ever want a reason why I ever do anything, there it is, right there. I have to admit, hearing my positively villainous voice singing the Ass-Man's Anthem made it very hard for me to keep my composure. Still, the difficulty was well worth the reward. I idly wondered if I might have time to go through a villainous rendition of 'Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle' before the mares got here.

"...Then turn around! Stick it out! Even white boys got to shout!"

*Baby got back...*

"Gah!" I whipped my head around, trying to figure out where that had come from. It sure as hell hadn't come from me. After a moment, having confirmed that I was alone, I sighed, and said, "I must be crazy. I've got a voice in my head..."

*I'm not a voice in your head, you're a voice in MY head.*

"Shut up," I said, angrily. "You're not real. Well, none of this is real, but you're even more not-real than everything else is."

*Whether you believe or not, it makes no difference to me. You live, and I live. You die... and I die. So don't you dare die. If you do, I'll make sure to drag your soul down to Hades with me when we go...*

I shouted, no, I'll admit it, I roared, "SHUT UP!"

*Heh. Fine, I will. For now. But only because you have bigger problems than me right now...*

"What?"

*Look behind you.*

I whipped my head around, looking towards the opened hallway, and saw...

Well, I'm not sure what the hell it was. It looked like a pony, in the same way that Slenderman looks like a person. It was equine in shape, with a horn, but its entire body was golden, and it had no face. In spite of the fact that it seemed to be made of metal, I had a distinct impression that this thing wasn't a construct, but a living thing. In a dull monotone, the... thing said, "Dark magic detected. Initiating defense protocols."

I smiled. Finally, some action.
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"We probably shouldn't have left him alone," Sunset admitted as she led the other mares down the hallway with Ladyhawke.

After a moment's pause, the pegasus admitted, "We probably shouldn't have. But I didn't want to leave you alone with him, and I couldn't trust myself not to start something with him if we were alone for more than two minutes." With a chuckle, she added, "But hey, we've only left him alone for five minutes. What kind of trouble can he get into in that time?"

"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

Suddenly, a screaming projectile shot over the heads of the assembled mares. It took them a moment to realize that it was Sombra, flying backwards, as if something had launched him at high speeds.

"-LYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-"

In less than a second, he had flown down the hallway, and was gone from view.

"-SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-"

There was a loud thump that shook the hallway, likely from the tyrant hitting the back wall of the chamber behind them, and after a moment, Sombra's voice called out, "I'M OKAY!"

Sunset turned around and called out, "Are you sure?"

After a moment, he replied, "Yeah! Didn't feel a thing! Do me a favor, though. Have all the mares make a hole so I can run through. I've been aching to kick someone's ass since I woke up, and now I've finally got a volunteer!"

The mares didn't need any prompting, and immediately began hugging the walls. A moment later, Sombra, grinning like a deranged maniac and moving at a full gallop, ran by, shouting, "GET READY FOR ROUND TWO, MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

Today I Face My Problems Head On

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I know what you're thinking: I was just going to run right in, charge that golden jerk who launched me without so much as a how-do-you-do, and instantly get blasted again. You were thinking that, right? If you were, then shame on you! Like I said, I've played some of the trickiest, most deceitfully difficult games ever coded, and beat them. I've faced the final bosses of both Dark Souls games, equipped with nothing more than the equivalent of a toothpick and a thong, using nothing more than tactics and strategy, and at level one no less, and won without being touched. I've learned to read the 'tells' of my opponents to the point that I could even beat Mike Tyson and Mister Dream in the original Punch-Outs on the NES, and have actually seen the ending of Battletoads without needing to use a Game Genie or cheat codes. When it comes to reading my opponents and reacting quickly, I am the man.

Whatever that thing that blasted me was, it had a pretty big tell. I had not really noticed when Sunset had cast a spell earlier, but when unicorns cast spells, their horns glow. This thing, while maybe not a unicorn, did, in fact, have the same effect: It's horn glowed for at least a second before it had launched me at high speeds. So, the lesson of the day was: When the horn started glowing, move, dumbass!

That was why, when I reached the chamber I was just in, I was already hopping to one side while the golden thing's horn started glowing. It tracked me, it's horn ceasing its glow while trying to keep up, but I was already hopping right back into my original path, then jumped, my body twisting in a display of acrobatics that I would never have imagined myself capable of back in the 'waking' world, unfolding into a perfect dropkick.

...Imagine my surprise when I passed right through it as if it wasn't even there. I flew several feet before my momentum gave way to gravity's harsh commands and I was brought down to the ground with a thud. Gravity, that total bitch. One day, there will be a reckoning between us. Mark my words.

I wasn't hurt, but my pride had taken a critical hit. The voice in my head's harsh laughter didn't help things.

*I can't believe you just tried to dropkick an archon! They're intangible! You may as well have just tried to punch the wind!*

Intangible? It had looked pretty solid to me until I'd tried to lay it out with a boot to the head...

The... archon? Well, it looked even more surprised than I was. After a moment, it walked over, its head tilted to one side in what could only be considered confusion. "Subject's behavior is inconsistent with that of a dark wizard. Reevaluating threat potential..."

"Oh my gosh, is that an archon?" I heard Sunset ask from the doorway.

"Apparently," I muttered, annoyed. If the voice in my head had known that it wouldn't work, why hadn't he told me so?

*And miss the chance to see the look on your face?*

Wait, so... he was on the outside, looking in? How does that work, exactly?

"Threat reevaluation complete," the archon said, lifting its head up. "Subject has been reclassified as 'fool'. Threat potential, zero percent. Ignore." With that, it walked away, going into the hallway that leads to the next chamber, dragging the mangled remains of my pride along with it...

Rising slowly, I muttered, "Its lucky that that its ass is intangible, or I'd be kicking its back-end out through its earholes right now..."

Sunset, quietly, walked over to me and whispered, "Actually, you're incredibly lucky. If that archon had started fighting seriously, it would have wiped you out in a heartbeat, and taken most of the mountain with you. An archon is made from pure magic: It can't be hurt with physical force, and it absorbs almost every kind of magic that you can throw at it..."

Well, crap. She was right, then, I was lucky. Of course, that 'almost' meant that there was something that could potentially harm it, but whatever it was, I didn't bother to ask at the time.

What I did ask was, "If its so strong, why not summon one of those to deal with the bad guys?"

With a frown, the unicorn whispered, "Archons are bound to a single place, typically a building, and are physically incapable of leaving it, so unless they came to us, it wouldn't work. That, and the fact that it usually takes a full year of focused effort to create just one: It takes an absurd amount of power to create on, as well a lot of time and effort to 'write' the commands that they'll follow so that they won't immediately destroy anyone that enters its domain." With a look of suspicion, she asked, "But why didn't you know that?"

Not wanting to risk my dream becoming a nightmare by stating the fact that this was a dream, I came up with the best possible response. "There are... gaps in my memories, likely a result of my having been among the deceased an hour ago. In time, I am certain that those gaps will close. In the meantime, there may be a few things that I'll not recall right away."

I had no idea how much mileage I'd be able to get out of the whole 'Bitch, I was a corpse yesterday' card, but for the time being, it seemed to satisfy her. Sunset nodded and said, "Alright. But let's not separate again until we're sure that we're safe."

"Agreed," I said with a nod. Pointing towards the exit where the archon had just exited through, I turned towards the other mares and said, "Let's follow that archon and see where it leads us."

No one had any objections, so with no further ado, we were off.
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Diretusk admired his handiwork with a villainous sneer. He often felt pity for the other evil overlords of the world: To terrify their minions into obedience, they had to use torture, dark and dank dungeons, and the threat of violence. All that Dire needed was a bucket of soapy water, a brush, and some perfume, and he was the most feared pig on the planet. Mastering dark magic had only been necessary when he'd set his sights on world domination...

Ironhide was now the cleanest, sweetest smelling boar that Boardor had ever produced... and he was crying like a little sow about it.

Turning towards the Razorbacks who were watching with looks of horror, Diretusk proclaimed, "BEHOLD, THE PRICE OF FAILURE!!!" He was rewarded with a cringe from the thousands of assembled boars, the cream of the cream of Boardor's army.

Heh. He'd been called the runt of his litter when he was born, but who needs strength or size when you can instill this kind of terror into your subjects with minimal effort?
----------------------------------------------

"So, remind me about the fiends of Tartatus," I said, looking over to my right at Sparkling Sunset.

Nodding, she said, "There's twelve of them in total."

"Thirteen," Ladyhawke corrected from my left, giving us a sidelong glance. "Discord makes thirteen."

"Discord's been turned to stone," Sunset shot back. "He didn't escape from Tartarus, and he isn't likely to escape for at least a thousand years."

With a smug smile, Lady retorted, "Maybe in a harmonious Equestria, but in the Equestria of today, who knows when the master of chaos might break loose."

With a gulp, Sunset amended her previous statement, saying, "There's twelve escapees, and maybe Discord." A little more sure of herself, she continued, stating, "Of those, the most dangerous ones are Grogar, the goat of shadows, and Lord Tirek, the magic stealer. The others are a good deal less powerful, but still dangerous. The ones who might be the most problematic are the Raptorians."

Looking over at Sunset, I asked, "Raptorians?" Those sounded dangerous.

With a snort, Ladyhawke said, "They're a trio of birds with canine heads. They've been subjugated, and serve Diretusk. They're... decent fliers, but what makes them dangerous is that they're pretty resistant to magic, and vicious fighters with those sharp teeth and talons of theirs. When Celestia and Luna fought against them, the three loons were serving some wannabe queen of the world, who wanted to use their skills to harvest unicorn manes and tails to make a magical tapestry that she'd use to trap the two alicorns inside, along with anyone else she decided she didn't like. The princesses stopped her before she got more than halfway, and trapped her inside her own unfinished creation. During the fight to subdue the birdbrains, a torch fell over and burned the tapestry to ash. The queen is gone, and the Raptorians got crammed into Tartarus for their part in the whole sorry affair."

"So, they're followers, not leaders. I'm surprised that they weren't with the hogs," I mentioned, giving the two ponies a look, one at a time.

"They can't stand the cold," Ladyhawke said, simply. "Their wings ice up worse than a pegasus' wings will."

Fair enough. "Who else?"

"Lavan," Ladyhawke said, flatly. "He's a lava fiend. He was spotted heading towards the Crystal Empire, but with the winter storms having started, we haven't been able to get any word on what's happened since then. I doubt that there'd be any good news."

"There's also King Charlatan," Sunset added, "A penguin ice mage of prodigious power. He was also seen headed that way."

So, there were two fiends of opposing elements, likely already wrecking things in this... Crystal Empire. Wait... Crystal Empire...

Looking over at the crystal pegasus, I asked, "You're from the Crystal Empire, right?"

Ladyhawke gave me a glare, then said, "Obviously. Which is why I agreed to this entire crazy venture. As bad as your escapades were, either one of those jerks was enough to nearly destroy Equestria. Together, they'll almost certainly wipe the city off of the map before too long."

Okay, no wonder she didn't like me: Apparently, I'd fucked up her home town...

I nodded, then said, "So far that's seven: Tirek, Grogar, the three Raptorians, Lavan, and Charlatan. Who else do we have?"

"Arabus," the two ponies said together. After a moment, Sunset added, "He's a cloud fiend. He steals the shadows of ponies, as well as other creatures, in order to become stronger. In regards to powers, it's hard to say what he can do, but Diretusk has him on a short leash."

"There's also Crunch, the stone hound," Ladyhawke added, nodding grimly. "He's another one of Diretusk's minions. He turns ponies into stone, and he hates things that are soft, gentle, or kind."

"Somnambula is another escapee," Sunset said, with a worried expression. "She's an extremely powerful and undeniably evil enchantress who uses her magic to steal youth and beauty from ponies. The more she steals, the stronger she becomes. She's still at large, but hasn't been seen since the battle a year ago."

"Squirk is a sea fiend," Ladyhawke said with a scowl. "He's been Subjugated, but tends to stick to the coast. He's uncomfortable on land, and has been making sure that no one else tries to come in and poach on Diretusk's territory, you might say."

"And lastly, there's Catrina, another evil enchantress," Sunset finished with a nod. "She's not been subjugated, but she may as well have been: Her powers are reliant on a potion made from Witchweed, and it just so happens that the boars happen to have a plentiful supply." WIth a scowl, she added, "Can't imagine why: Witchweed is nasty stuff, and long-term use can have some very nasty side effects."

"And this Discord guy you mentioned?" I asked, curious.

Both ponies shuddered, and Sunset said, "Discord is among the most powerful beings in Equestria. Celestia and Luna had to combine their powers with the Elements of Harmony in order to defeat him, and were able to turn him into stone. They kept him in the palace gardens, but with all that's happened... Well, Discord is a being of chaos. Were Equestria to remain at peace, it would take ages for him to break free. But with everything in such utter disarray, there's no telling when he might escape..."

And judging from their reactions to his name, he was probably as bad, or worse, than all the others put together...

*He's the ultimate wildcard,* the voice in my head added. *He takes joy in disrupting any kind of order or harmony. He's thrown peaceful kingdoms into violent civil war, but he's also toppled dictatorships by assisting rebel factions. However, he's only interested in entertaining himself, so if he broke loose from his imprisonment, there's no telling which way he might lean, or if he might just sit on the sidelines and watch.*

Good to know.

Up ahead, I finally saw what seemed like an opening. The archon was standing at the entrance to the next area, and with the same dull monotone as before, it stated, "Ahead lies the ultimate stronghold, Sanctuary. Please follow the lighted path to the central command station. From there, you can begin getting acquainted with the capabilities of this facility."

Looking at the archon in annoyance, I asked, "Do you and I have a problem?"

The archon looked at me, then stated, "Subject designation: Fool. A performer who tells jokes and performs acts of acrobatics and slapstick in order to entertain others. Threat potential: Zero." After a moment, it added, "If subject demonstrates any level of threat potential, then the subject shall be re-evaluated and dealt with accordingly."

This was an entity that could blast me to atoms, and wouldn't feel bad about doing so, by the look of things. It was probably a good idea not to get on its bad side. "That's me," I said with a bow that I hoped was suitably comical, "the king of all fools."

*Well, at least you're willing to admit it.*

I couldn't argue with him there. As the ponies and I walked into the region beyond, walking through a darkness lit only by the light under the path that we were instructed to follow, and with the sound of our echoing hoofsteps in our ears, I couldn't help but reflect on how insane this all was. Nevermind the fact that I was hallucinating that I was in some kind of magical ponyland, had a voice in my head, and had just been recruited to fix the sky and had to face a rogues gallery of enemies fit to make Batman and Superman cringe, what was impossible was the fact that over one hundred females, some of them children, had placed their lives in my hands/hooves.

I am not exactly an individual known for making, wise, well-thought out decisions, after all...

I Am Going Places

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My downward spiral of bad decisions began the same way that many such spirals begin... with a trip to Las Vegas. I was on a road trip for spring break with a few guys I know from campus. Normally, spring break was when I would launch myself into an RPG, and spend the entire time making that game my bitch. I take a sort of perverse joy out of finding the perfect exploits in a game, to make my character or party unstoppable. Skyrim was like motherfucking Christmas for me, as was Fallout 3 and New Vegas. Of course, what really makes me happy is finding a game that I can't 'break', and instead have to conquer through my own skills...

But I digress. This time, I had a sort of... thought experiment that I wanted to perform, one that I had already given a quick test while playing Poker Night and Poker Night 2 over the last few weeks, with surprisingly impressive results. Now, however, I felt that I was ready to test things out in the big leagues. And that, right there, was my first big mistake.

What was I wanting to test? Well, we'll get to that shortly.

Anyways, each of the guys had brought with them about $500 cash, and were talking a good game about how they planned on winning big. You know, the same way that everyone else does up until about five minutes into their trip, if they're planning on gambling. I kept silent. I knew these guys, and I'd tried giving them the one piece of advice my father gave me about gambling: Never wager more than you can afford to lose. They didn't listen to me, which is why, when they got home, they were probably going to be eating ramen noodles for the rest of the semester. Me? I had $500 that, if I lost it, would hurt, but I wouldn't starve.

My second mistake was that, when it came to choosing the casino where we'd be staying at, I urged towards one of the smaller casinos. Had we selected one of the larger ones...

Well, we didn't. We picked a fairly modest, newer looking one.

Anyways, my fellow would-be gamblers and I soon went about our business. Their business was trying, and failing, to win big. It went about as well as you would expect it to go for six college guys who may as well have had the word 'Bro' tattooed on their foreheads. They'd burned through their money in less than half an hour. One of them lost all of theirs in less than five minutes.

This was supposed to be a five-day long visit, and my main contribution to this venture was the establishment of a 'pool' that we'd use to pay for our accommodations, one that I managed and that no one else would touch without talking to me first. Had we not done so, I was certain that they'd have started pulling from the money that they had planned to use to pay for our hotel rooms and our food for the entirety of our stay, possibly even the money needed for the return trip. Instead, they'd at least be able to hang by the pool, get their drink on, and enjoy the finer features of a Las Vegas casino hotel.

As for me?

I had hit the Texas Hold'em tables, and put my thought experiment to work... and with spectacular results. Day one, I had increased my gambling funds ten fold, leaving me with $5,000. The players at the table changed several times over the next six hours, but that had no real impact on my winning streak. Well, not quite a winning streak, really. I did end up folding a fair number of games, but when I won, I won a whole lot more than I lost. I should have stopped then and there, taken my winnings and gone about my business, but I made my third mistake: I got greedy. On my second day, I decided to got to the higher-rolling tables, and started making even more money. By the third day, my modest $500 had transformed into $500,000 dollars. I'd gone through eighty different players of varying skill levels, had amassed a small following of spectators, and was starting to make plans to move to one of the bigger casinos, and the real high rollers. The kind who played using the word 'million' fairly often...

And that was when a couple of very large, very intimidating men told me that the owner of the casino wanted to see me. Thankfully, I didn't make mistake number four by declining: These two goons looked less like men and more like shaved gorillas in off-the-rack suits and ray-bans. I had the feeling that either I would be going with them, or going with them with a number of unpleasant bruises and maybe a few broken bones.

A few minutes later, I was sitting in the office of the boss himself. It was... surprisingly pleasant. It looked less like what I would have expected from the owner of a gambling establishment, or more like the office of a librarian or a college dean. The owner himself was just as much of a surprise: He looked like he might have only been a couple of years older than I was, a kid just out of college with brown hair, brown eyes, and a surprisingly friendly demeanor. He was well dressed in an Italian suit, a gold watch, and a very big smile.

His grin only expanded when I was set down in a chair in front of his desk, and he pulled out a folder. He plopped it down on the desk, and then extended his hand. "Henry Holiday," he said, introducing himself with a slight southern accent. "Most folks call me 'Doc', at least, the ones who don't call me boss."

I looked over at the folder, and gulped, seeing my name on it. I shook his hand, and said, "Ambrose Rey, but I think you already knew that."

Henry laughed at that, then gestured towards the folder. "That thing? Oh, I had someone put your file together yesterday, when it was clear that you were on a winning streak. Gotta love the internet: Used to be, it took days, or even weeks, to get this kind of information, at least according to my grandaddy. These days, you can have it in less than five minutes. I thumbed through it, and I have to admit, I was surprised. I was expecting you to have a degree in electrical engineering. You know, someone who might have made some sort of a doodad that would let him spy on the other players on the table, or a wireless communication device that would let him communicate with a partner undetected, one who might be watching what the other players had in their hands. You know, the stuff that's been tried before. I wasn't expecting someone working on a double major in Applied Probability and Statistics and Computer Science." With another chuckle, he said, "Although I guess it might make a little more sense, given the circumstances."

I gulped at that. I had the impression that he had an idea of what I had been up to back there at the poker tables...

With a half-smile, he said, "Now, I don't want you to fret none, Hoss. You're not in trouble. At least, you're not in trouble yet." He shrugged, then said, "That might change, depending on the outcome of this conversation, but since you haven't actually stolen anything from me, you're not going to be walking out of here on crutches or carried out on a gurney, or anything cliche like that."

That was mostly accurate: Poker games, when held at a casino, are played with the money held by the players, not the house. The house takes around five percent of the winnings (You can consider it the fee for providing a fair and impartial dealer), but other than that, the only money lost is that of whoever happens to lose the game. For the house, it's pure profit.

While reassuring, that didn't take the danger completely out of the situation: There's plenty of things that you can do to a man that can ruin his life without ever actually touching him...

"One of my favorite things in Las Vegas is the magicians," the boss said, the grin on his face back in full force. "In a way, they kinda represent Vegas as a whole. People come to see the magicians, but the truth is, there isn't a single bit of magic in anything they do. It's all smoke and mirrors, misdirection, deception. People know that, they understand that, and yet they still come to see it, because while it may all be a lie, it's an amazing lie. A beautiful lie. It's a lie that fills the heart with wonder and awe. And that's Vegas in a nutshell."

Confused, I asked, "Excuse me?"

With a knowing laugh, 'Doc' said, "The lie is that you can come to Las Vegas and become a millionaire. However, 'The House Always Wins', right? It's a truth as old as the casinos. Hell, it was old before the first casino sprang up in Vegas, and has been the truth for just about every gambling house that has sprung up since time began. Casinos exist, first and foremost, to turn a profit. People come here, looking to win big, but the truth is, most people who come to Vegas leave poorer, not richer. And yet, everyone comes here, looking for the chance to win it big. But that's not the real reason why people come to a casino. People, or at least the smart people, come to Vegas for the same reason people ride roller coasters: The excitement."

At my disbelieving expression, the boss said, "People get a kick out of the experience of gambling. The surge of adrenaline as the roulette ball bounces on the wheel, when the dealer flips over his cards to reveal whether or not his hand if better than yours, there's nothing like it. It's that excitement, that thrill, that draws people to Vegas, and it's that thrill that hooks people on gambling. It's a high that never loses its edge, unlike a lot of the drugs people hook themselves on, and in Las Vegas, 'gambling' is the biggest drug there is, and the casinos are the biggest dealers." He gave another chuckle at the pun, then added, "Most addicts chase one kind of dragon or another. In Vegas, gamblers chase a dragon made of gold."

"And sometimes, they catch the dragon," I inserted into the conversation.

Henry nodded, his expression serious for the first time since I had walked into the room. "Of course," he admitted, "That's why it's called gambling: You might lose, but you might also win. But the odds of winning are much lower than the odds of losing. What casinos offer is the chance of winning big, as well as the thrill inherent in risking your money to win." His smile creeped back up and he asked, "But my original subject was magicians, right?"

I nodded.

His smile back in full force, Henry said, "I love magic tricks, and I always have. There's always a trick, and I love finding out how it's done. Given my position here, I've gotten to peek behind the curtain of a number of magicians as they performed their tricks. It spoils the fun in some ways, but I can't help but want to see what the truth is behind the trick. It's an itch I just have to scratch, and in my position, I've seen a number of different tricks attempted on the casino floor. Yours, however, may be the best so far." He chuckled at my worried expression, and said, "I've spent almost three days watching you, Hoss, as you put on a magic show to an audience of gamblers and casino patrons, and while I've watched you work, I've ruled out what the trick can't be. I know that there's nothing up your sleeves, given that you've worn short sleeves the entire time you've been here, and I've had people walk by you with all sorts of little gizmos to make sure that there's not some sort of radio or something, feeding you info on your opponents. Hell, you've kept your hands on the table all throughout, and never once even looked at your phone while on the floor. So, it's pretty clear it isn't cheating, or at least, not something most people would call cheating. You've got an impressive magic trick going. Now, if you don't mind, I would like to share my theory with you about how you've managed to perform a trick that allowed you to change $500 to $500k in less than three days."

Alright, moment of truth...

I nodded, then said, "Shoot."

"You're created a mathematical equation," 'Doc' theorized, his expression serious again. "It's probably a very complex equation, or maybe a set of equations, that break down Texas Hold'em, giving you a fairly accurate idea of whether or not you will win any given hand. You came here to test to see how accurate it was. However, the real trick is, you can do all of that math in your head, and do it in a few seconds, something that almost no one else on earth can manage."

I nodded, and then admitted, "I've noted a 5% margin of error, but yes, that's more or less it." Admittedly, it was easier when playing Poker Night, since each of the characters had some pretty major tells which allowed me to gauge whether or not they were bluffing, but with the numbers on my side, I'd managed to make a killing at Texas Hold'em in real life. There might be fifteen, or maybe even twenty, people on the planet who could calculate the odds on the fly like I had at each stage of the game, without needing a calculator or a pen and paper in their hands, but I've always had a gift for numbers.

It could only work with Texas Hold'em, though, since there's such a small number of unknown variables: Each player has only two cards that they keep hidden, and the remaining five cards are revealed, one by one, into a common pool. Therefore, it's not so much a matter of figuring out the odds of getting a winning hand, but instead the odds of anyone else at the table getting a better hand than you. There's a lot more to it then that, like how much to bet, and when, but the meat of it was, I could calculate, better than almost any other player at the table, whether or not I had the best hand on the table, so I could call my opponent's bluffs, knowing full well when they were full of hot air, and I could calculate when best to raise, when to call, and when it might be a good idea to bluff myself. I knew when to hold'em, and I knew when to fold'em. Sadly, I'd not learned when to walk away, nor when to run. That had been mistake number four. I should have quit while I was ahead, or at least hit several casinos on the strip, instead of sticking to just one. I'd given the management all the time they'd needed to figure my trick out...

Henry's smile returned as said, "I thought so." Sitting back in his chair, he steepled his fingers and said, "But that leaves me with a minor problem: What am I going to do about you?" At my almost panicked expression, he held up a hand and said, "You and me, we don't have a problem: My casino makes the same amount of money, whether you win or lose. However, Las Vegas and the gambling community as a whole probably will care a great deal." With a shrug, he said, "There are two kinds of black lists in Vegas. One is reserved for cheaters, people who come in with gimmicks, tricks, and what have you, things that are specifically against the rules of the games here in Vegas. The cheaters. Those are the guys who tend to get taken to a back room and... educated on the folly of their dishonest ways." He smiled and said, "The second, well, you might call it a 'gold' list. It's reserved for men and women who are just too good at gambling, folks who, if given the chance, could clean the casino out with relative ase. Since all you've demonstrated is that you're better at calculating the odds than anyone else here in Vegas, you'll be going on the latter."

I wasn't exactly surprised to hear that. I'd heard that Ben Affleck had been banned from playing Blackjack at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino simply because he was too good at playing the game. There were men who could roll the dice, any pair of dice, so well that they could always make it come up the way they wanted, no tricks, no gimmicks, they just rolled the dice and the numbers came up. There were even card sharks who could make the cards dance so well that they could, after shuffling the deck, accurately predict what the top twenty or thirty cards would be, and in what order they would appear. It wasn't cheating, they were just too skilled at playing the game to be allowed to continue playing it competitively.

"As the owner of a casino in Las Vegas, I'm required to report when something like this happens, especially with a card game as popular as Texas Hold'em. However, since this isn't cheating, just an incredibly accurate way of predicting the outcome of a hand, I'm not going to report it today, as long as you give me the details on this equation you've worked out, just in case it pops up again. What I am going to do is this: You and your friends are going to be here for just two more days, if I what I've heard is correct." I nodded, and he continued, saying, "So, if you want to keep going, feel free." Henry gave another one of those smiles and said, "Like I said, the house makes money, regardless of who wins. If you want to try fleecing some of our whales, go right ahead. The more they bet, and lose, the more money I get."

His expression turned serious again, and he added, "However, after you leave, I will be reporting what you did this week to the folks who need to know. What that means is that, after this week, if you ever walk into a casino and sit down at a poker table, or sign up for a poker tournament, or even sign up for an online gambling website, people will know, other people will be told, and you will be asked to back out of the game. Make a habit of trying to make money off of Texas Hold'em, though, and... well, take my advice, and stop while you're ahead. You've made a killing so far, and you might make even more, if anyone is foolish enough to play against you this week. However, once you leave Vegas, the ride ends."

I nodded in understanding. That $500k I won was more than enough to keep me in the black for a long, long time. It would keep me in video games, anime, and manga for years to come, and once I was out of college, I had the start-up money for my own indy gaming company...

"I understand, and... I think I'm done with gambling," I admitted. I'm a pretty crazy guy in some respects, but having the two gorillas march me in here had kinda put me off of gambling for, well, forever. If this had been the days when old-school gangsters had been running the show, I might have ended up with my head and/or my nuts in a vise. Doc seemed like a decent guy, thank goodness, but if he'd suspected for a second that I really was cheating, he would not have been nearly so friendly.

Yet if I'd chosen one of the bigger casinos, maybe I'd not have been noticed at all, and made millions without anyone realizing...

Oh well, them's the breaks.

"Good," the boss said, then smiled one more time, and added, "And hey, if you need a job after you graduate college, come see me: My old man owns a number of gambling establishments in Las Vegas, Reno, and Atlantic City, and he could always use a good handicapper."

And that was how I ended up getting banned from gambling forever, and got a job offer, on the exact same day.
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Have to say, Henry 'Doc' Holiday really was a pretty nice guy. After our little talk, he put me and my friends up in the penthouse suite of his casino for the rest of our stay, and covered the cost of our room service on top of that. Over the next two days, the two of us shared a few drinks, shot some pool, had a few of the kinds of misadventures that two guys can get into in Las Vegas while spectacularly drunk, and became pretty decent friends. For the owner of a casino and a guy born with a silver spoon in his mouth, he was, impossibly enough, a decent person as well...
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A starry night over the Mojave Desert is one of the most breath-taking sights you will ever experience. It was so beautiful, in fact, that it did a magnificent job of distracting me from the fact that I couldn't feel anything below my neck for several minutes, until a noise brought my attention to more earthly concerns, namely the coyote trying to get into my abdominal cavity. He wasn't having a whole lot of luck, though: He looked to be only a pup, so his teeth weren't up to the job of getting through my skin. It was kinda cute to watch him, though...

Weird how I couldn't feel that. In fact, how the hell was I even in the middle of the desert, paralyzed from the neck down, with a coyote pup trying to work his way to my soft, gooey center?

*You're here because you did something really, really stupid.*

Huh. I must have been going crazy: I was obviously hallucinating all of this, and now I had a voice in my head. Besides, what exactly did I do that could have been so stupid?

*You told a bunch of tall, well-muscled guys that had suddenly run out of money that you had five hundred thousand dollars cash in your suitcase on the ride home from Las Vegas.*

Okay, yeah, that does sound pretty stupid. They must have given me a serious beatdown and left me for dead...

Wow, look at that coyote pup go. He's a real go-getter, isn't he?

*Focus, dimwit.* There was an impression of a sigh, followed by, *How can someone so smart be so unforgivably stupid?*

No idea. Oh hey, the pup is starting break the skin! I knew you had it in you, buddy! You're a champion! I'm gonna name you Mister Pringles, and once I get back the feeling in my limbs, I'll adopt you, raise you to be my best friend, and together we'll go on amazing adventures. We'll walk the earth, going from town to town, righting wrongs and dispensing justice, fridays at eight, seven central.

*Wow. You must have taken some damage to the head back there. I know for a fact that they did a number on your spine...* A pause, and then, *Yeah, your brain is pretty much pudding now, and your spine is almost completely pulverized. That, plus the internal injuries, mean that if the coyotes don't finish you, then the internal bleeding will finish the job in about fifteen minutes.*

Oh, hey, look, it's Mister Pringles' mommy! My goodness, what sharp teeth you have! I'm gonna name you Miss Smiley!

There was another impression of a sigh, and then suddenly everything went black.

*I've done you a favor, and turned off your connection to your body's eyeballs. I don't think that you want the last thing you saw to be a coyote eating your intestines.*

Noooo, Mister Pringles, don't go! I was going to make an honest woman of your mommy, and then we'd be a big, happy family!

*Aaaaannnnnnd I'll go ahead and cut off the connection to the rest of your body as well, so you'll stop thinking like an idiot.*

I... oh. Am... am I dead?

*The answer to that lies between a yes and a no. Your body is in the process of dying, but everything that isn't your body has been preserved.*

Why?

*Someone wants to bring me back from the dead, and is going to great lengths to make it happen. I'd rather not come back, given the state of the world. While getting out of Hades would be nice, I'm not up to the task ahead. They need a hero, and I'm pretty much the opposite of that. So, I need someone to stand in my place, fight the good fight and all that business. Sadly, the number of individuals who are compatible with my body is almost vanishingly low, and you... you moronic, drooling numbskull, are the most capable and intelligent of the lot by a wide margin.*

The way he said that last part left a distinct impression that he wanted to end that sentence with 'God help us all'.

I have to be dreaming, this can't possibly be real...

*Keep telling yourself that. You'll see the truth soon enough. Just do me a favor and try not to mess things up too badly. You're my reprieve from Hades. Try not to make it a short one.*

I'm gonna close my eyes, go to sleep, and when I wake up, it'll be saturday morning at my apartment, and none of this will have ever happened...
----------------------------------

I shook my head, trying to clear out what couldn't possibly be my memories. If all of that had been true, then by all rights, I should be dead. Yet here I was, even if it was a hallucination. You can't hallucinate if you're dead. It wasn't real. Neither was this. It couldn't be...

"Are you okay?" Sunset asked, breaking me from my reverie.

Looking over at her, I said, "I'm alright. Just... a little out of sorts. I'll be okay."

"I see a light in the distance," Ladyhawke said to my right. "I think we're almost to our destination."

I looked as well. There was definitely a light, and it seemed to be coming from a doorway. The archon was standing beside it, silent and impassive. I'd ask how it had gotten ahead of us, but I was more or less all out of give-a-fuck at the moment in regards to the ways of that shiny golden bastard.

As we approached, the archon stated, "The central control chamber is up the stairs, three flights, then go down the hallway. You'll know when you get there."

A little annoyed, I asked, "And if we don't know it when we get there?"

The archon gave me a look, then paused, and said, "I will go with you, to ensure that even a fool like you will know when you've arrived at your destination."

Okay, I admit, I kinda had that coming...

Today I Am Excited About Everything

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Remember the first episode of Invader Zim, where, upon embarking upon their journey to Earth, Gir exclaims 'I'm gonna sing the doom song now!', and did so... for six months? Well, it turned out that the voice in my head had a 'Stairs' song, and he sang it in a the same dark, evil tone that he did everything else. On that day, I learned a terrible, terrible truth. One known only to those who have had a voice in their head, one that no one truly considers until it happens to them. That truth is this: No matter how annoying the voice in your head is, there is little you can do to silence it.

'I swear', I thought, as we reached the top of the first flight of stairs, 'if you don't shut the motherfucking hell up right this motherfucking second, I will fucking throw myself off this motherfucking spiral staircase and kill us both right fucking now.'

*STAIRS STAIRS STAIRS STAIRS STAIRS STAIRS STAIRS STAIRS...*

The worst part? One 'flight' of stairs was over one hundred steps, and it had taken me five minutes to reach the top of the first flight. That meant that I had a good ten minutes before that motherfucker would shut the fuck up. Except that I had a sinking feeling that, once we reached the top, we'd finish our business within five minutes and have to go right back down again.

Fuck. Me.

I decided to try change tactics. I thought at the voice, 'If you don't stop right fucking now, then I swear, I will make it my mission in life to replace all the stairs in the world with ramps. No, better yet, escalators!'

*YOU WOULDN'T DARE!!!*

'And if you really piss me off, then I'll invent the fucking elevator.'

*NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!*

'Then either shut up, or SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!'

Only silence followed. I smiled, congratulating myself on my triumph over the voice that only I could hear.

"What are you scheming?" Ladyhawke asked, walking beside me. Surprisingly, the stairs were large enough, and wide enough, for more than twenty ponies to stand shoulder to shoulder and still have room to spare.

Looking over at her with an expression I took pains to keep neutral, lest I freak her out again, I asked, "What makes you think I'm scheming something?"

"You're smiling," Ladyhawke said, flatly. "You only ever smile if you're hurting someone or planning on hurting someone. Or if you're..." Abruptly, she paused, and with an exasperated sigh, she said, "Right, right, I forgot about how you are with stairs."

An eyebrow raised, I asked, "Oh?"

"Oh, is that really true?" Sparkling Sunset asked from my other side. "I'd thought that it was just some kind of a silly rumor."

Taking care not to meet my gaze, Lady said, "It's all true. Even the bit about the little metal coil thingy that can descend stairs all on its own."

*My slinky! They know about my slinky!? What happened to it?! GIVE IT TO ME!!!*

"I'll want that back, by the way" I said, not looking at either of them, and working very hard to keep a straight face. What a delightful development: The voice in my head was actually a part of this dream/hallucination, and was apparently the voice of whoever it was everyone thought I was. So, the more I learned about myself, the more ammunition I'd have to keep the voice of 'King Sombra' quiet.

"It's in a vault in the Crystal Empire," Sunset said, quickly, "Locked away with everything else you owned during your reign." After a moment, she added, "Or at least, that's what I've heard."

"Well, I know what our first stop will be after we're done here," I said, chuckling.

"Hades. Rutting. No." Ladyhawke said, angrily. "The only way you're going anywhere near the Crystal Empire is over my dead body."

"So I guess you won't want me to save your hometown from those two nasty fiends, then?" I asked, putting a hoof to my mouth and putting on a faux-innocent expression. "I kind of thought that was your whole reason for going along with all of this. At least, I thought that was what you said. It would be kind of hard for me to save anyone there if I can't go anywhere near it..."

Words could not possibly do justice to the expression that Ladyhawke gave just then. It was a magical combination of 'Oh Shit' and 'I've Made A Huge Mistake' that, if I'd had a camera with me, I'd have taken a picture and made it into the wallpaper of my computer back home. She had just discovered that 'Never' and 'Must' did not meet on any map, and she'd have to make a choice between one of two equally unpleasant options.

"Didn't think that one through, did you?" I asked, still using my fake innocent question tone.

Her only answer was to glare at me. If looks could kill, it would have reduced my head to its component molecules.

Fun's fun, but I decided to throw her a bone. I chuckled, then said, "Tell you what: You, and all of your friends, did me a solid, bringing me back to life. You all took part in it, even though you all knew of my reputation. Because you brought me back to life, I owe all of you something, above and beyond just going out and fixing the problems currently facing the world. So, this is what I'm going to do: If there's something that you want, it's in my power to grant, and it won't be considered an evil deed, then I'll do it." At Lady's surprised expression, I quickly added, "Just remember, though: Everybody gets one, but only one. If you want another, you'll have to earn it." I felt a slight tingle move through my body, but didn't think anything of it at the time.

Ladyhawke gave me a long, appraising look, then after a moment said, "I want your word that you won't harm a single soul inside of the Crystal Empire, nor will you try to conquer the city like you did last time."

"Deal," I said, immediately. I felt that strange tingle again, but slightly stronger this time.

*Interesting...*

'What?'

*I'm not sure. But something just happened...*

'Would it help if I did it again?'

*Maybe...*

I turned towards the herd of ponies still following me, and said, "I don't know if you all heard what I just said, so I will go ahead and tell all of you right now: I owe each and every one of you a favor, so if it is within my power to grant it, and it is not something considered an act of evil, I will do it for you." I raised a hoof, forestalling the inevitable onrush of requests, I added, "I recommend waiting for a little bit before you start making a request: You only get one, and once you get whatever it is you wanted, you'll have to work very hard to get another chance."

Several ponies who had seemed about to speak paused, then reconsidered whatever it was that they were about to say. Only one of the assembled ponies, a little filly, still seemed interested in making a request. I looked down at her, and asked, "What do you need, little lady?"

The little lady in question, a tiny pink unicorn filly with a bright red mane, and big green eyes, held up a doll and said, "Miss Bubbles has an owie. Can you make her all better?"

Miss Bubbles, the doll in question, had clearly seen better days. She had once been a grey pegasus with a blonde mane and tail, yellow eyes, and a stamp on her flank depicting a cluster of bubbles. Now, however, her mane and tail were reduced to a few ragged patches, one eye was missing, there were several spots that were very clearly scorch marks, and there were several seams coming undone, including a large rip on her underbelly...

This doll had gone through hell and back, and it was nothing short of a miracle that it was still in one piece...

'Well, I'm supposed to be a wizard. Do I have any spells that I can use to fix Miss Bubbles?'

*You are asking me, the greatest wizard of my generation, neigh, the greatest wizard alive today, to help you fix a filly's doll?*

'Can. You. Do. It?' It took all my self-control not to add 'Dipshit' to the end of that sentence...

*Why should I?*

I gently took Miss Bubbles from the little filly's grasp, and looked her over. In spite of her terrible shape, it was clear that the little lady had taken good care of her. Her mane and tail, or what was left of it, anyways, was well brushed, and the 'skin' that was intact was almost painfully clean. This may have been the doll from disaster, but it was a doll that was well-beloved by her owner.

Looking down at the little filly, I asked, "What's your name, little lady?"

"Rosy, Mister King Sombra sir. Rosy Sunrise." With an intensely serious expression, she explained, "It's like the way that the sky looks when the sun is just coming up, and the birds start singing, and the roosters starts going 'cockadoodledo', and everything is right in the world." Dammit, that sounded adorable from a five year old girl. She looked up at me with those gigantic eyes of hers, full of hope...

Why the fuck are fillies' eyes so damn big? It's like they take up fifty percent of their face! Back home, horses have eyes not all that much bigger than a human's. Here, the ponies had these gigantic eyeballs that defied explanation... and damned if it didn't make them irresistibly adorable. Still, by all rights, they ought to be able to see through time, or into men's souls...

'Remember how Sparkling Sunset said that she'd had to gather up several war orphans to make up the one hundred and eight she needed?'

*I do...*

'She's one of them.' I looked the doll over, and then added, 'And this may be the only thing she has left of her parents.'

*...Alright. So, you need a spell to fix the doll?*

I smiled, and thought, 'No, she asked to make Miss Bubbles all better. So, we can't just fix her. We have to make her better in every possible way. This doll has been through the wringer. I think she might need an upgrade, at least in terms of durability, or we might have to fix her again later.'

*Agreed. I know just the thing. Just touch the doll to our horn, and I'll take it from there.*

I did so, and felt... well, it's difficult to put into words. I felt something move through my body, and into my forehead. I suddenly became aware of my horn, and suddenly, there was a bright flash of light...

When my vision cleared, I was holding the doll, but...

It looked brand new. I mean, as if it had come right off an assembly line or as if someone had just finished hand-stitching it together...

*That's what an 'Origin' spell does: It returns things to their original state. I also made a few modifications to the original design. The thread wasn't very high quality, nor was the cloth. I used an enhancement spell to improve both. I also enhanced the durability of the component materials. That doll will, provided it is well cared for, last long enough to be passed on to her great-great-grandchildren, if not longer.*

I noted the cheerfully grinning face of the doll. 'The eyes are a little wonky.'

*That's the way they were originally. If I fixed those, I think that the doll would lose some of its charm.*

I gave the doll a final examination, and found I could not disagree. Passing it back to the little filly, I said, "Here you go, Rosy. Good as new, but better."

The little filly gazed upon the newly repaired doll as if it was the best thing ever, only better, and to her, I suppose it was. With an almost religious reverence, she took it gently from my hoof... and then hugged it.

This time, instead of a tingle, the feeling that shot through my body was like I'd just stuck my tongue in an electical outlet (Not something I ever wanted to experience twice, even if I did get fifty bucks for doing so, along with temporarily gaining the ability to taste colors). While brief, the feeling of pure power that rocked through my body was... incredible. Sadly, it was also incredibly brief...

*Amazing...*

'What just happened?' Rosy suddenly began doing an adorable dance of joy while holding her doll aloft, grinning like a child who'd been given the keys to the candy store...

*I'm not certain. There's some sort of link, not just between you and that filly, or even just you and Ladyhawke, but between you and every one of those mares and fillies who aided in our restoration. The ritual was steeped in blood magic, and blood magic, in addition to being ridiculously powerful, has a habit of creating bonds between others. When you made a promise to do something in return for having helped restore your life, you strengthened that link. When you cemented what your act of recompense would be, it strengthened it further. But when you followed through on that action...*

'It strengthened that link to the utmost?'

*Yes. Only...*

'Only what?'

*Nevermind. I can't say anything more until we have more information.*

Rosy started hugging my leg, exclaiming her thanks, joy, eternal love, devotion, and a vow that when she was all grown up, she'd marry me, double marry me, and then turbo marry me just to be sure it stuck, and finished it by calling me the nicest stallion ever, forever, times infinity. I had the good grace not to look embarrassed by the ridiculous outflow of affection, but the looks I was getting from the assembled mares didn't make it easy. Funny thing was, the looks were a mix of amusement and admiration. I suppose that, having done something genuinely nice, they might be just a little bit less afraid of me now...

I decided to let the matter drop. 'Fair enough.'

I rubbed the little filly atop her head, then picked her up gently, and placed her atop my back. "Alright little lady, let's get moving. We have places to go." I turned around, and found myself face to face with the archon. I almost gave a very undignified yelp in shock, but stifled it at the last instant. How the hell that thing had gotten behind me, I have no idea, but there it was, staring at me, like...

Well, it's difficult to read the emotions on something with no face, but there wasn't any hostility there, or at least, that was how it felt. Instead, it felt like an intense scrutiny, like when it was reassessing me earlier, but increased to the twenty-fifth power. After a moment, it said, "This way... sir," then turned around and began marching up the steps again. The archon's dull monotone was unchanged, and yet, it almost seemed like, instead of the very subtle hints of mockery that had colored its previous statements, there was a slight flavor of...

I dunno. Respect? Admiration? Maybe it just didn't think I was a complete idiot anymore? Regardless, we still had places to go and things to do. I began following the archon, as did the mares. I noticed the odd looks that I was getting from Sparkling Sunset and Ladyhawke, but maintained my calm exterior... even if there was a little filly hugging my neck like I was the world's most sinister teddy bear.

As we ascended the steps, I reflected on one thing: I'd gotten a sort of crash course on magic, when the voice in my head, or rather, Sombra, had used magic a moment ago. I couldn't say that I could use magic yet, but I'd gotten a feeling for how I might be able to start experimenting with it later...

Today I Express My Emotions Through Interpretive Dance

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Finally, we reached our destination. At the top of the third flight of stairs, the archon turned towards us and announced, "Central Control is through this doorway. Here, you can receive a briefing on the full capabilities of Santuary, and can initiate the activation sequence for this facility."

Her expression one of confusion, Sparkling Sunset asked, "Activation sequence? What does that mean?"

Making an educated guess, that being that this dream took place in an area of medieval level technology, I put it into terms she might better understand, saying, "The fortress is more than just a place where we can hole up for a while. It's sleeping right now, but it can be woken up, and when that happens we can see everything that this place can do."

"Affirmative," the archon stated, as flatly as ever.

"What do you think it will do, Mister King Sombra sir?" Rosy Sunrise asked, still perched upon my back.

I turned my head around to look at her, and gave her a smile, then said, "You'll have to wait. I'd hate to spoil the surprise." She gave an adorable little sulk about that, like a child being told that, just because it was midnight on Christmas eve, that didn't mean she could open her presents yet. Gesturing towards the doorway to the other ponies, I said, "Let's go. I'm more than a little eager to see what this place can do, myself."
-----------------------------------

Let me tell you something right now: Starswirl the Bearded did not dick around. When he got serious, he was capable of some seriously impressive shit. Case in point: He once opened a portal in space and time to throw three misbehaving sirens out for using their magic to abuse others into another world (Although he might have brought the hammer down mainly because they had dissed his epically righteous beard). But this...

Starswirl the Bearded took the survival of all ponykind so seriously that he'd weaponized a mountain. All of it, or just about.

"The Mobile Fortress, Sanctuary," the archon explained, gesturing towards a hologram of said mountain, the only light in an otherwise dark room, "is designed to be a fully functioning habitat for ponies of all kinds. At its current capacity, it can comfortably house over one hundred thousand ponies, and contains a sizable farm capable of producing food for up to three times that many ponies, if not more. A sizable portion of the interior is not yet excavated, so as needed, more space can be cleared for habitation and production purposes...."

I could hear the mares behind me, save for Rosy, Ladyhawke, and Sparkling Sunset, start dancing. Clip clop clip clop, the noise behind me was quiet, and yet filled with such subtle joy that I was sorely tempted to turn and look, or even join in, but the 3D display of my new toy was far more engrossing. After all, it was a flying fucking mountain. A FLYING FUCKING MOUNTAIN!!! HOW CAN THAT NOT HAVE ANYONE'S FULL ATTENTION!?!

(Admittedly, if it had been one hundred human women dancing, nude, behind my back, I would have spun my head around so fast it would have achieved relativistic speeds, but once again, ass-man, not a pony person.)

"It can fly," Rosy Sunset whispered, wide-eyed, still seated upon my back.

With a small chuckle, I said, "Of course. It wouldn't do much good out here in the middle of nowhere. Fortresses are placed in strategic locations, and this one can be placed anywhere we need it to be."

The archon continued, stating, "Sanctuary also possesses, in addition to a water recycling system, a complex mechanism that allows for the harvesting of water from clouds, as well as a means of obtaining fertilizer from biological waste of almost any kind. The soil in the areas designated for food production were gathered from amongst the most fertile regions in Equestria, and are guaranteed to produce dozens of bountiful harvests before re-fertilization will be needed. In addition, seeds from all manner of plants are gathered in the storehouses, and a crop rotation schedule is available in order to ensure the more efficient means of maintaining the soil's overall fertility. Environmental control spells are also in place to maintain optimal temperatures at even Sanctuary's maximum altitudes, summer or winter."

Very impressive, but that wasn't what I wanted to hear about. This was a fortress, after all.

The mares behind me burst into song. It was a catchy little tune, but I didn't really make a note of what it was about. It sounded like the joyous reprise of a song that they were probably singing long before I'd come along. Still, they were really getting into it...

"What about defensive capabilities?" I asked, calmly.

"Among the strongest on the planet," the archon answered immediately. "The fortress possesses two forcefields, one of which is a passive field that is active at all times, and the other an active field that can be utilized if attacked. The passive field can endure up to one thousand bucks of force at any single point, and any impact will instantly activate the active shield. The active shield can endure over twelve thousand gigabucks of force from all points simultaneously."

"Twelve thousand gigabucks?" Sparkling Sunset asked, her voice filled with awe. "But... the strongest magical attack ever recorded was one launched by Princess Celestia when she diverted the course of a meteorite that would have annihilated Equestria, and that was three thousand gigabucks!"

"The forcefield was designed with that knowledge in mind," the achon stated. "If some evil force were to overtake a princess and force her to harm her fellow ponies, The Architect wanted the residents to have sufficient protection to endure a sustained assault by even an enraged alicorn. Or alicorns."

"Oh..." Sunset whispered, meekly.

One of the mares went into a solo performance that would have made Celene Dion, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Nicki Minaj, Lady Gaga, and just about every other female singer on the planet eat their own hearts out from pure unadulterated voice-envy. Whoever she was, I'd have wished that I could have taken her home and signed her up as her manager: Ten percent from the record deal of the single best female singer that ever lived was still a whole fucking lot of money, after all...

"And offensive capabilities?" I asked, getting a bit excited. We had the ultimate shield. Did we have the ultimate spear to go with it?

"Point defense energy projection is possible via use of specially created magical projectors peppered across the fortress, effective up to one quarter mile of the fortress, and are capable of up to one gigabuck of force. Offensive strikes can also be utilized, through use of specially created projectors, located at thetop and bottom of the fortress. The effective range of the main projectors are limited only by line of sight, and are capable of a sustained blast of up to five thousand gigabucks of force for ten seconds. The cooldown period for the main projectors is five minutes."

The voice of an angel sang, "...And now we're finally... Wait, what did that thing just say?"

King Sombra popped a murder-boner from the great beyond so intense that I was starting to feel a little stiff in places myself. If a beam of three thousand gigabucks could blast a continent-destroying meteor off of its trajectory, then five thousand would probably be enough to wipe a city completely off the map, all the way down to the bedrock. So... not only did we have a forcefield capable of withstanding anything short of the moon being thrown at us, but we also had the means of launching ten seconds of concentrated 'fuck your shit' at anything we could see, and we could see a whole hell of a lot from up in the air, and could do so every five minutes. I could understand why Starswirl had been cautious about who would be allowed up here: Anyone evil who claimed this place would be fully capable of wrecking the shit of absolutely anyone they wanted, anywhere and any time...

And it was now in the possession of the most feared/hated pony to ever walk the earth. I turned to look at the mares, who were now frozen, mid-dance. Given the epic level 'Oh Shit' expressions on everyone's faces, save for that of the little fillies, that fact was not lost on anyone present.

"Well," Sparkling Sunset said, nervously, "it's not like we're going to be using it. Right?"

I gave the unicorn a look, and asked, "Oh? And why do you say that?"

My visage had not lost any of its ability to intimidate, even with an adorable filly on my back. Nervously, Sunset said, "Well, I thought... that we could... use it... to... fly off..." My expression must have been turning steadily more grim and/or dark as she had been speaking, because just the look of my face was enough to cause her to completely stall out, and start sweating bullets.

"So," I began, feeling anger well up in me that I had difficulty in understanding, "You were going to just up and abandon all of your fellow ponies not lucky enough to be here, and fly off into the sunset?" If looks could kill, then Sunset's face would have started melting off from the intensity of the glare I bestowed upon her...

*Huh. And they say that I'm rotten...*

"Of course not!" Sunset exploded at me, suddenly shouting in my face. After a moment, she calmed a little, and then said, "We'd collect every pony that we could along the way, but anypony with eyes to see can tell that the situation is so far beyond hopeless that all we can do is gather the ponies still left and leave..." The way she said that last part, it was clear that she hated herself for saying it...

"And then what?" I asked, calming down, just a little. "You fly off, abandon the continent to the fiends, the boarcs, and anything else that comes to claim it, and then you settle somewhere else. Is that what you want your legacy to be? That when things got bad, you all just turned tail and ran like cowards?"

Sunset looked stricken, unable to answer that question. Ladyhawke, on the other hand, looked... well, she looked like she was on the verge of cheering me on in spite of herself.

"And will that be the lesson that you'll teach your offspring?" I asked, on a roll, and turning towards the other ponies. "That when someone comes to take away everything you have, everything that you've struggled so hard for, that you should just let them take it away without any resistance? And when everyone else in the world learns how easy it is to just come and take what you have, believe me, every petty warlord and wannabe conqueror in the world will start beating at your door, eager to take what's yours." I raised my head up, and gave Sunset a stern look, and said, "Starswirl didn't create this place because he wanted ponykind to run and hide. This is where he wanted ponykind to start fighting back. This is where we seize our destiny, and take back what is ours."

"He's right," Ladyhawke said, looking at me with, surprisingly, admiration. "Hades take me for agreeing with him, but he's right." Looking at the other ponies, she said, "If we start running, we'll never be able to stop: This fortress is too big a prize for someone like Diretusk, or any other villain for that matter. If we run, we prove we lack the resolve to use it, and he and those like him will chase us until the end of time. We have to fight, and we have to win, or we'll never know peace again."

*Surprising. I wouldn't have thought that you'd be so... passionate about fighting for the sake of Equestria.*

'Are you kidding? This is my dream and/or delusion. It isn't going to end with anything lame like 'They all ran away like little bitches, the end'. It's going to end with 'And King Sombra whooped the asses of everyone who got in his way and took over Equestria'. I'm the baddest of all badasses, the king of all monsters, the ultimate evil overlord, aren't I? Why else would they have brought me back? They went to Boot Hill to wake the Saint of Killers. Well, here I am: I won't accept anything short of absolute victory, no matter how many motherfuckers I have to stomp a mudhole into in order to get there.'

*Heh. I could not have put it better myself... but I might have skipped the cursing.*

'And that is why I'm better than you: I don't put a filter on my awesomesauce. I let it flow, free and pure.'

His only response to that last bit was a chuckle...

I gave a small smile, and said, "I could just bully the lot of you into following me. We all know I could, and it wouldn't be all that difficult to do." My grin grew larger, and I said, "But instead, I think we should put it to a vote." I looked over the mares, and found the one I suspected was the owner of the best voice ever: A yellowish mare with neither wings nor horn, but with a long and flowing mane and tail, as well as a stamp on her ass that depicted a g-clef surrounded by little pink hearts. She gulped as I approached, looking up at me with big blue eyes.

"You're the one who was singing earlier?" I asked, keeping my voice as gentle as I could.

She nodded mutely.

I smiled a little wider, and asked, "Can you dance?" She nodded. "The waltz?" She hesitated, and then nodded. "Good."

I turned towards the other ponies, and said, "You have until I finish dancing with the young lady here to make up your minds. Flee, and never know peace again, or fight, and have a chance to take back what you've lost." With that, I lifted the musical mare up, gently but firmly, and we began to dance, with me gently humming the music along.

Yes, I can dance the waltz. I can also tango, samba, lambada, flamenco, and a dozen other styles. I took a class while in college as an elective... mainly because more the half of the other students were female, and pretty fucking fine ones at that...

Gotta admit, dancing with a mare wasn't any different from dancing with a human partner.

As we danced, I whispered, "Your name?"

While she'd hesitated at the start, she very quickly got into the dance, her hoofsteps matching mine quite well. "Sweet Melody," she answered, keeping her tone equally soft.

"So, where would you stand?" I asked, bluntly.

"Fight," she said, without hesitation, a fire in her eyes that I wasn't expecting to see in a pony. "Both of my brothers were at Hurricane's Six Minute Folly, the only family I had left after my parents died. If we have a chance at taking down the fiends, then I'd be the first to charge the lot of them, even if it was only me doing the charging."

I twirled my partner gracefully, and asked, "And the others? How do you think they'll go?"

"Most of them would feel the same," Melody answered quickly. "Just about everypony here is here because raising you were our best hope of stopping the fiends. Even with the chance to escape, I doubt that anypony would turn down an opportunity at a little bit of payback."

*Not surprising. There had to be at least a little steel in this bunch of misfits, for the lot of them to get this far. They've kept at this for an entire year, in spite of all the hardships set against them...*

'I'm aware of that. I'm just giving them a chance to remember it.'

With a final twirl, I broke off the dance with Melody, and turned towards the ponies. Sparkling Sunset, seeming to still be the leader of the group, stepped forward, and said, "We talked it out, and you're right: This isn't the time to run. This is the time to fight. While we can try fleeing later if things turn bad, if we run without even trying, then we may as well give up completely, and just let Diretusk take us here and now."

Smart girls. I favored them with a smile, then turned towards the archon. I said, "You heard the ladies. Let's get this puppy warmed up and ready to go."
---------------------------------------

The boarcs were assembled on the field at the foot of the mountain, making the final preparations for their departure. The assembled hogs went about their work quickly, efficiently, and most importantly of all, quietly. In fact, they went to great pains to avoid making even the slightest noise for one very good reason...

Lord Diretusk was in a bad mood.

All this way, with nothing to show for it. He and his minions could have conquered half of Equestria by now, but he'd been forced to divert half of his army on this fool's errand. Now he and his soldiers would have to march back through the frozen wastes to reach what these ponies considered civilization, and with nothing to keep the little piglet amused. He'd planned on whiling away the hours by tormenting all of his captives. Instead, he'd have to resort to tormenting his minions instead...

The piglet was interrupted from his grim thoughts by the world suddenly shaking. Well, not the entire world, probably, but it was a severe enough earthquake to knock all but the hardiest of boarcs off of their trotters. The tiny tyrant looked towards the mountain, and saw something incredible...

The mountain was coming apart.

Much of the mountain's surface was falling off, like a thin shell. Beneath, he could see a fortress of incredible size. The mountain itself had been about 7,200 meters tall (23,622 ft). The fortress was at least two thirds that size, making it larger than any building ever built by mortals. Regrettably, a rising cloud of dust and debris quickly obscured the massive citadel from sight, but just the brief glimpse he gained was enough to stir a powerful emotion in the heart of the tiny piglet...

"Do want," Diretusk the Cruel exclaimed, looking up at the ascending fortress in awe. He turned towards one of his underlings, and shouted, "Fetch Arabus! You'll find his box in my palanquin! Quickly!"

The boarc nodded and immediately started running. When Diretusk gave a command, then you either ran or you would wish that you had...

Interlude: I'm Not Beautiful Like You. ...I'm Beautiful Like Me.

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My name is Miss Bubbles, and I'm a doll.

I've always been a doll, for as long as I can remember. If I ever wasn't a doll, then I don't remember that, obviously. I can only speak to what I do remember, and what I remember is this...

Once upon a time, there was a humble toymaker. He lived in a great city, and toiled every day, making toys for the colts and fillies of the city, and would often go to the neighboring villages, selling his wares to little ones all throughout Equestria. He was a kind-hearted soul, and when not hard at work making dolls and toy soldiers and stuffed animals, he would sometimes be seen outside his store, reading stories to the youngsters of the city, who loved him as if he was a member of their own families.

He is not the one who made me. This would be a different story if he was...

I was made by the toymaker's son, who wanted, more than anything, to be a toymaker just like his daddy. One morning, while his daddy was hard at work, the son decided that he would make a dolly for his daddy to sell. He worked for many long hours, striving to make the best doll he possibly could. I'm a humble doll, but I will admit, he did a pretty good job, all things considered. My coat was plush and soft, my mane long and silky, and the toymaker's son put his heart and soul into making sure I was the best doll I could be. That isn't an exaggeration: Even now, a piece of his heart and soul remains inside of me. How else would I be able to talk to you today?

The toymaker's son worked as hard on his first work as a master craftspony would on his magnum opus. His blood, sweat, and tears went into every stitch, every bit of fluffy stuffing, and when he was done, he presented his work to his father. Sadly, there was just one thing wrong...

My eyes weren't in proper alignment.

Having seen the hard work that his son had put into the doll, the toymaker could not decline his son's request to go with his father to market, to sell his work right alongside his father's... even knowing that no one might buy me. And so, the father and son sat side by side at a stall during a market day, the father's work at one side, the son's on another. As the day went on, the father's toys quickly dwindled, sold away to happy little colts and fillies. The son's doll, however, simply stood, smiling at the world with eyes that could not see straight.

As sunset approached, the toymaker's son began to despair: He'd put so much effort into that doll, and nopony wanted her? However, his despair was nothing compared to my own. After all, what use is a doll without somepony to love her? If no one chose me, then I would be left alone, purposeless, until either somepony took me apart to make a new doll, or time ate away at my fabric, and I fell apart at the seams.

It was then that they appeared.

A humble woodcutter came upon the toymaker's stall, his daughter riding happily upon his back. While quite poor, the woodcutter had made a promise to his daughter, that when the toymaker came to the village, she would be able to pick out a toy all for herself. As the youngest of six daughters, this would be the first thing she'd ever had that had not been passed down to her through five other fillies, but instead would be hers and hers alone.

You cannot begin to imagine the joy I felt when, instead of the dozen other dolls on display, she chose me instead. I didn't understand why, though, until I met her mother that evening. She was... she was just like me. Not just the eyes, but in every aspect, save that she was flesh and blood, and I was plush and stuffing. Chance or fate, I cannot say, but...

No one in this world is perfect, and sometimes it is the flaws that make the masterpiece. I am beautiful, because Rosy Sunrise says that I am.

In the time since Rosy Sunrise chose me, I have been hugged eight hundred forty-three times, have had my mane and tail brushed out four hundred twenty-two times, attended eighty-seven tea parties, danced with eighty-nine princes (Well, they were her brother's toy soldiers, but she was pretending they were princes, so they were princes), been wed to said princes sixty-eight times, been held captive by evil dragons until rescued by a handsome knight (Soldier, whatever) eighty-three times, and vanquished the evil dragon when the handsome knight proved unable to secure victory for himself twelve times.

If you have to question how I can, with such precision, recount all of that, then you know nothing about being a toy.

And... I was there when the fiends came, and ravaged the small village Rosy Sunrise called her home. I was with her when she saw what they did to her parents, her sisters, and her brother. I was with her when she ran away, unable to face what was happening to them. I was with her when she hid away, only to be caught by the Raptorians. They... they held me over a fire, and burned me as she was made to watch. I am a doll: I cannot feel pain or fear, but I can feel sorrow. If those had been my last moments, my last thoughts would not have been for myself, but for how Rosy would be all alone in the world without me...

...I was there when the Swineherd stormed in, filled with fury and rage at their tormenting a small filly, and struck all three unconscious in as many seconds. I was there when he shooed Rosy away after she had hugged him and thanked him, telling her to be away before his master arrived. And I was hiding with her when, a few moments later, Diretusk the Cruel came and Subjugated the three Raptorians into eternal servitude.

I was with her, a week later, when Rosy nearly died from starvation and thirst, and Sparkling Sunset and her friends found us, and nursed Rosy back to health.

I was there when the great king mended me, and made me whole once more, and I was there when, years ago, Rosy's mother had told her little filly that one day, she would meet a stallion, one who was kind, strong, and brave, and that Rosy would love him with all her heart, and that stallion would be the one that would, no doubt, be her husband.

Rosy and I have been together, from that first day to this one, as inseparable as true sisters, and I dearly hope that it will always be so...

...I am a doll. I cannot laugh, or cry, or sing, or dance, or hug, or grant true comfort to the one filly I love more than anypony else in the world. But I can wish, and I wish, with all my heart and soul, that I could. I wish that I could do something more to bring joy to her, and to this world, even if it seems as if this world is on its last breath.

I wish, above all else, that I could do something that would spare my dear Rosy any more tears.

Interlude: I Am A Brilliant And Inspiring Teacher

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As bizarre as it may sound, it was watching Ambrose play video games that finally made King Sombra decide that Ambrose Rey was the right person to select for the task ahead.

Sombra's spirit had wandered the ether between worlds for weeks, from the very moment when he'd first felt the tremors that signaled his body's revival. It was a signal that moved both forward and backwards in time, and while it might not have been detectable or measurable in the living world, it was as loud and unmistakable as a fire alarm in the realms of the deceased.

However, there was a small problem: A Death Pulse was racing through the multiverse, one that King Sombra, both inadvertently and indirectly, had caused.

The Elements of Harmony were also partly to blame: Those ancient relics of unimaginable power were far too much, even for a being of Sombra's power. Using them to defeat him had been like using a cannon to swat a fly. Once used, the relics had set off a magical event that crossed time, space, and barriers stranger still. They had released a ripple in the cosmos that was steadily 'harmonizing' every entity who carried an affinity for King Sombra in every alternate universe in existence, bringing those beings into synchronicity with the Prime King Sombra...

And since the Prime King Sombra was no more, synchronization was a literal death sentence for every alternate version of King Sombra on every world in the multiverse, and nothing could stop it. Good, evil, it mattered not, if they were King Sombra, or even just slightly Sombra-esque, their fate was sealed.

Sombra had journeyed far, well away from the worlds of talking equines, the dimensions where magic and myth walked brazenly under the sun, to a place so far that it would be almost half a year before the pulse reached this strange, magic-less realm populated by strange bipeds called 'hyoo-mans', and found the closest thing that this world had to, well, himself.

King Sombra was not all that impressed.

The 'hyoo-man' in question was, on the surface, almost painfully ordinary. Pinkish white skin, skinny as a rail, with black hair and blue eyes, and about six 'feet' in height, to use the local measurements. If judged just on the exterior, he was nothing special. The only thing hinting at any sort of a connection to the human and the tyrant was in the name: Rey, a word in the Spanish language meaning 'King', and 'Ambrose', a name containing all the letters of 'Sombra', plus an 'E'. It had seemed, during the initial hours of evaluation, that there was no worth to this individual. Yes, he was intelligent, given that he was a student in some sort of university, but brains alone would do nothing to help in weathering the coming storm, now that the fiends were loose. If brains was all it would take, Sombra would have been chomping at the bit, ready to go. No, it would take more than just mental acuity. It would require something more, something that Sombra himself could not yet put a name to.

To be fair, Sombra did not have much information to go on: While Ambrose's room did hold a dozen books relevant to his current college courses, the majority of the tomes in the college student's room comprised of western graphic novels, Japanese manga, as well as fantasy and scifi novels. There was also his collection of 'games', strange discs that he placed into various devices that caused a thing called a 'Television' to display some manner of interactive narrative. However, he seemed intensely focused on a device called a 'computer' at the moment. Sombra could not determine what it was that Ambrose was working on, but it seemed to be connected to probability in some way...

Ambrose's work on his 'computer' was halted by a ringing sound. After fiddling briefly with the computer, he picked up a device on his desk, which Sombra later identified as a 'cell phone', and after pressing a button, said, "Hey, Hope. How goes it?"

*Hope? No, it couldn't be... could it?*

After a moment, Ambrose nodded, and said, "Alright. I'll boot up my PS4 now. I'll be on in a few minutes: I've got a character camped out at the boss entrance already. I'll join, and then we'll do a pincer attack, and meet in the middle. Naw, I wasn't doing anything important. Just working on a little idea I had. Heh, yeah. Alright. You're loaded for bear, right? Good. Same password as before? Right on. See you in ten."

A short time later, Sombra watched in something akin to awe as Ambrose began playing a game called 'Bloodborne'. For an individual who had existed in a world whose level of technology was mostly medieval, something as simple as Super Mario Bros would have been impressive, but the current generation of games was as far above those as The Last Supper is above a child's stick figure. As Ambrose put on a headset and joined a 'party' with Hope, Sombra couldn't help but feel humbled: For all his mastery of magic, he understood that what he was seeing now was a thousand years or more beyond anything he could ever manage, even using magic...

"I'm on," Ambrose said, then chuckled. Sombra, curious, tapped into Ambrose, being as subtle and as gentle as possible, and listened in on both sides of the conversation.

"So," a feminine voice said in a cheerful tone, "you've got the downstairs handled?"

"No sweat," Ambrose said, a feral grin on his face. "I'll handle the puppies. You just work your way forward, and we'll meet in the middle."

Sombra tapped into Ambrose's memories, hoping to get an idea of what was going on. It seemed, upon analysis, fairly simple: Hope, a long-time friend of Ambrose's, played this game, and had an overwhelming fear of large dogs, due to an incident in her childhood. Ambrose, being a nice guy, was helping her out by scouting ahead, and when he reached a boss area, he would stop, wait for Hope to call, and the two of them would execute a sort of pincer attack on the area, allowing Hope to proceed with fewer problems that she normally would. Since some of the enemies in the game were oversized canines, Ambrose would take care to ensure that those were wiped out before she arrived. Having beaten the game once, he had what he called the 'low-down' on enemy locations. After a certain point, the canines would stop being a common occurrence, and Hope would be able to proceed on her own without Ambrose holding her hand.

Of course, the boss in this area, a fiend called 'The Blood-Starved Beast', being a canine, was almost guaranteed to cause Hope to have a panic attack...

But first, she'd have to handle a number of savage beasts, an enemyin an elevated position with a weapon Ambrose called a gatling gun, and a fearsome hunter on the ground. For most, a harrowing task, but for Ambrose and Hope, it was just a fun way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Sombra watched, slowly yet steadily becoming impressed, as Ambrose's character moved from a gateway blocked by fog, and made his way through several areas, hunting down and slaying monsters as he went, with a level of confidence that spoke of long hours of practice and great natural talent at one's hobby. All along the way, he and Hope chatted amiably, neither one seeming to be even the slightest bit concerned with the horrific monsters that they both were combating. Back in Equestria, a pony trying to do the same would likely be impossible: Ponies lacked something that these... humans possessed. However, it was still something that Sombra could not put a name to...

Within a few minutes, Ambrose had made his way to a ladder, set against a clock tower. Grinning like a wolf, he said, "I'm in position now. Are you almost to the Monster Mosh?"

Giggling, Hope said, "I think so. You said there's, what, ten guys out here?"

Nodding, he replied, "About that, or maybe a few more. I didn't bother to count. Just be glad you didn't have to deal with the one I just went through. At least yours won't all get up at once. There's also a hunter there, but he's not as tough without his overwatch. Just keep an eye on those blind spots: Those smoke clouds tend to hide something nasty waiting to pounce."

Sarcastically, Hope asked, "Really? I hadn't noticed."

Ambrose barked a laugh, and said, "Right, sorry. Alright. Wait until I've gotten the gunner's attention, and then start your way through."

"Roger roger," Hope answered back.

Ambrose climbed the ladder, making his way to a hunter stationed upon its roof. From his memories of the battle, Sombra could see that the adversary in question was incredibly dangerous, being both fast and cunning. As such, he had expected a fast, ferocious battle...

...Instead, Ambrose fired a pistol three times in rapid succession, knocking the enemy off of the roof and causing him to plummet his death. Call it draconian or pragmatic, but either way, it was a surprisingly effective tactic. Sombra fully approved.

"My guy is down, but you'll need to quit and reload in order to make his drop appear." Ambrose announced, casually. "How are you?"

"This bastard is kicking my ass," Hope replied, clearly annoyed. "I can't get a hit in. Can you help me out?"

Ambrose's memories indicated that the hunter in question was frustratingly fast, and Ambrose's method of dealing with him had involved using the fact that other enemies would attack the other hunter if properly provoked to assist in weakening him. It seemed that Hope, having cleared out the other monsters, couldn't use that strategy.

"There's a terribly shortage on perfect asses," Ambrose said, jokingly. "I'm on my way." He promptly led his character down the ladder.

"You're a perfect ass," Hope exclaimed, half-jokingly.

"The perfectest," Ambrose agreed, reaching the fracas, and throwing a pebble at the hunter. Upon impact, the hunter immediately stopped paying attention to Hope's hunter, and moved directly towards Ambrose's character. As the assailant began to swing his weapon, Ambrose's character fired a single pistol round, knocking his foe off balance, and followed the attack up with a powerful blow. When the hunter rose, Hope's hunter swung a powerful blow with her axe at the rising nemesis, and sent him flying off the edge of a roof slaying the nemesis without any further problems.

"Done and done," Ambrose quipped, then said, "Shall we?"

"Why do you insist on wearing that top hat set?" Hope asked, some of her irritation from the previous fight bleeding over into the conversation, as the two of them walked down a path littered with the corpses of monsters.

"Swag, my dear lady," Ambrose responded promptly. "This set, combined with the Threaded Cane, is undeniably stylish."

Giggling, Hope admitted, "True. But it has lower defense than the Hunter set. You could get pretty messed up if you get hit."

"'All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a Thousand Enemies,'" Ambrose said, seeming to be quoting something, "'and when they catch you, they will kill you... but first they must catch you.'" A search through Ambrose's memories told the tyrant that the quote was from a book called Watership Down.

With another giggle, she said, "Right, right. Defense doesn't matter to you, since nobody here can touch you. But even you still trip up, now and again."

Ambrose shrugged, and said, "If I do, then I do. Nobody's perfect. But I have confidence in my skills. Something that, sadly, you still lack. If you'd fought a bit more aggressively, you'd probably have won without my help."

Hope didn't respond, but grumbled a bit. The two proceeded in silence until they reached the barrier of fog that Ambrose had started at.

"This is it," Ambrose stated, flatly. "We'll have to do this together, Hope. If I could go in on my own and beat him for you, then I would. However, I can't. Are you prepared?"

There was a loud gulp over the headphones that Ambrose wore, followed by a nervous, "I'm ready." Hope's character moved through the fog, Ambrose's following right behind. Almost instantly, Hope began shrieking in terror. If Sombra had still possessed a throat, he'd likely have joined her: The... thing that quickly advanced upon the pair of hunters was a ghastly abomination, flaps of skin hanging off of a gigantic canine carcass that should, by all rights, be dead, and yet still moved. For all his wickedness, Sombra had led a somewhat sheltered life in the Crystal Heart Foal Center, watched over by Chestnut Falls and raised in the Crystal Empire. As such, nothing he'd ever seen could have prepared him for this... this... aberration. Not even the most dreadful of the fiends in Tartarus could compare to this thing...

...And yet...

And yet to Ambrose, it was just an asshole who was threatening one of his friends. As Sombra watched, Ambrose confronted the beast, using another pebble to draw the beast's attention, then drawing it away from Hope, using a combination of pebbles and pungent blood cocktails. Once it was far enough away from Hope that she could regain her composure, Ambrose went to work, using a combination of gunshots and critical attacks to quickly eat away at his enemy's health. Within a few short moments, Ambrose had the beast down to where just one more critical attack would end the battle. And then... he stopped. "Uh oh."

"What?" Hope asked, surprised.

"No more bullets," Ambrose answered. "You'll have to finish him off." Ambrose's character began dodging, nimbly, keeping well ahead of his foe.

*What is he talking about? He's got six bullets left!*

"I can't! You know I can't!" Hope exclaimed, fear, worry, and anger mixed together in her tone.

"You'll have to. All you have to do is throw a pebble, then shoot him while he's attacking, follow up with a Visceral Attack, and he'll drop." Ambrose continued his dance with the vicious monster, still one step ahead...

"I... I..." Hope's breathing was panicky, close to hyperventilating...

"Hope, you'll never be able to surpass me if you can't surpass your fears," Ambrose stated, flatly.

There was a change in Hope's breathing, and after a gulp, she said, "Alright."

And with nothing more than that, Hope's hunter threw a pebble, drawing the beast's attention. The slavering beast advanced upon her, yet she stood her ground, and as the beast made to attack, she fired a perfectly timed pistol shot, stunning the beast, and followed it up with a finishing blow, slaying the beast.

'PREY SLAUGHTERED', proclaimed a message upon the screen. Ambrose's hunter gave a bow, one returned by Hope's, and with that, Ambrose was removed from Hope's game.

"Well done," Ambrose said with a chuckle.

"Thanks," Hope replied, her tone thoughtful. After a moment, she asked, "Were you really out of bullets?"

Ambrose chuckled, and said, "Maybe, maybe not. But if I did all the work today, I'd be doing it forever, and as cute as your ass may be, I can't keep covering it for you. You're a big girl now, and you'll be going to college in a few months. If you can't handle something as simple as an enemy on a video game, how can you hope to get all the way through med school? The way will be long, and hard, and it'll include examining corpses and dissecting animals. If you can't do something as basic as overcoming your greatest fear, how can you ever become a great doctor?"

Hope didn't answer right away. While waiting for her reply, Sombra looked into Ambrose's memories, trying to see why Hope might have been afraid of large canines. Admittedly, the one that the pair had just faced had been terrifying, but Ambrose's thoughts and memories implied that there was more to it than that...

What Sombra saw was incredible: Hope had been attacked, in her youth, by a rabid pit bull while walking home from school with her mother and father. While he had bravely tried to fend off the beast, the rabid dog, later discovered to have been used in illegal dog fights and as such both bred and trained to be unspeakably vicious long before it had contracted rabies and slaughtered its owner, Hope's father had died trying to fend off the monster, and her mother was lost shortly after. Terrified, she had fled, the slavering hound on her heels. She had made straight for a tall tree, hoping to climb it and escape the beast's jaws, but the lowest limbs were just beyond her reach.

It was then that fate had taken a hand.

In the branches of the tree, Ambrose, a young orphan, had been playing by himself. The older boy had, upon seeing Hope trying to scramble up the tree, had reached out, grabbed the younger girl's outstretched hand, and pulled her up. The branch had creaked, on the verge of breaking, so Ambrose had pushed her onto a higher branch. A second before the branch had given way, the young boy jumped...

And landed, feet first, right on the rabid dog's head. The blow had not been strong enough to kill the beast, but it had proven enough to knock it unconscious. The police, having been drawn to the sounds of screams that the rabid animal's attack had elicited, arrived soon after, and did the only thing that could be done for a rabid dog.

After that day, Hope and Ambrose were inseparable. Even if the young girl had not been placed in the same orphanage as he was, she would have gone to any length to stay by his side, the side of her champion and protector. As the two grew up, they'd developed a... complicated relationship. More than friends, not quite brother and sister, but something else entirely...

However, Ambrose going to college had separated the two, and while the young man planned on becoming a creator of video games, Hope was much more interested in the field of medicine, planning to become a doctor. They both, due to their high grades, had received scholorships, but their respective schools would be on opposite sides of the country, so it would be unlikely that they'd see each other again for years and years.

"Thanks, Ambrose," Hope said, after a moment. "Thanks for looking out for me."

With a chuckle, Ambrose said, "Any time, Hope."

Sombra finally understood the quality that seemed to separate humanity from ponykind, a quality that Ambrose seemed to have in abundance. It was a quality that would cause a person to risk his life for a complete stranger, and then, immediately afterwards, leap from a tree branch and essentially drop kick a rabid dog in the face. It went as far beyond courage as courage went beyond abject terror.

The only name that Sombra had for it was insanity... but it was a useful insanity. It was one that the tyrant could use...

Today I Will Do Something Really Impressive

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"I thought it would take you a month to get here!" Diretusk roared (Well, more like squeaked, really) at the boar returning with the box containing Arabus. In truth, the razorback had been gone less than a minute, but the soldier kept quiet. The way things were looking, Hogwash would be a mercy compared to what Diretusk might do to anypiggy who drew his ire right now.

The box was small, little more than a cube the size of Diretusk's head, and completely unadorned, save for the bronze hinges. There wasn't even a lock on it. Of course, Arabus knew better than to come out unless he was summoned, and nopiggy else would dare try to open the box without the master present. Arabus' loyalty only extended to Diretusk, and no one else, due to the Subjugation spell...

Anyone else who opened the box would regret it for the rest of his life, both seconds of it.

Without hesitation or delay, the piglet opened the box, and shouted, "COME FORTH, ARABUS! YOUR MASTER BECKONS!"

A massive gray cloud erupted from the box, seeming far larger than such a small container could hold. Within seconds the cloud took on a form similar to the upper body of a massively obese minotaur, but with an oddly shape head. It had no muzzle, no horns, just a small nose, yellow eyes, and huge, dark gray eyebrows. However, it was gigantic, easily as tall as thirty Razorbacks, standing atop each other's backs, and twice as wide. "You summoned me, my master?" the cloud fiend, Arabus, asked with a bow.

Pointing towards the floating fortress, Diretusk shouted, "Capture that fortress for me. The shadows of every pony inside are yours, but do not allow them to leave this place!"

The cloud fiend glanced over to the fortress, gave another bow, and said, "It shall be so, my master."

And with that, the fiend turned into a cloud again, and zipped off towards the fortress. The soldier couldn't help but shudder slightly at the thought of what was in store for the ponies inside: He'd been there for the capture of Arabus, and had seen what happened to a pony whose shadow had been devoured by the fiend. Arabus ate much more than just their shadows...
------------------------------------------

The archon suddenly exclaimed, "ATTENTION, ATTENTION, THREAT APPROACHING!!!"

I'd been enjoying the feel of the mountain lifting up, watching the outer shell of the mountian falling away on the holographic display in the center of the room, so it took me a minute to realize what was going on. I immediately replied, "Then turn on the forcefield, then blast it with the energy projectors."

The archon paused, then said, "Unable to comply. While the passive shield and the point defense projectors are active at this time, due to secondary power sources, the energy sources responsible for supplying power to the active field and the primary projector are still in startup mode. Expected time before power up is complete... eighty-seven minutes."

Sparkling Sunset asked, "Then... how about we just fly away?"

Not a bad idea. I mean, I was talking about standing and fighting earlier, but this was a completely different situation...

"Unable to comply," the archon announced. "The primary power sources also provide energy to the levitation crystals which give Sanctuary mobility. Currently, the facility's top speed is the equivalent of a slow walk."

On the holographic display, something became visible. It looked like a cloud. A dark, nasty storm cloud with a face. "I'm assuming that would be Arabus, the cloud fiend," I noted.

"Not good," Ladyhawke said with a gulp. "With him up here, we're sitting ducks."

The cloud abruptly stopped as it hit some sort of invisible barrier, presumably the passive shield. "Well, there's no way he can get in with the shield in his way," I said, confidently. A typical forcefield encloses a floating fortress like the shell of an egg. There wouldn't likely be any way for him to get through...

The cloud backed away, and took on a vaguely humanesque shape. As it did so, Sunset said, "You don't understand: Arabus is a cloud fiend, which means that he can do anything that a cloud can do."

Understanding came quickly as blue and white energy began crackling in Arabus' hands.

Anything a cloud can do includes flying, changing shapes, and throwing lightning bolts...

Arabus threw a bolt of lightning at Sanctuary, and when it hit the barrier on the display, the entire room rocked. Ponies were knocked off their hooves, and I admit, I almost lost my balance myself. Looking at the archon, I asked, "How many more of those can we take"

"At that intensity, we can take eighty more of those, at most, before we begin to lose non-critical systems, such as air filtration and circulation. After one hundred and twenty, we will be forced to choose between maintaining the shield and maintaining levitation capabilities. The target is out of range for the point energy projectors." So we'd be forced to let him in, or drop. Either option would likely be fatal...

Steadying herself, Sunset said, "It wouldn't matter: Arabus is almost completely intangible. The last time he was stopped, it required the combined efforts of all the pegasai in Equestria to summon a whirlwind to strip his outer layers and reveal his core, and the princesses themselves in order to bind him and drag him away to Tartarus." The fortress rocked again violently, and when she steadied herself, she continued, "We're trapped..."

"No, we're not," I said, confidently. "I'll go out there, and do what you brought me back to do: Whoop serious fiend ass."

'Okay, Sombra, what kind of transformations does this body come with?'

*Transformations?*

'Every evil overlord has three modes of transformation, typically the first being an improvement on the kind that we're in now; then a larger, more bestial form; and finally, a smaller, but also faster and much stronger form that is typically hauntingly beautiful in a weird way, caused by crossing the Bishonen Line. The overall stats increase each time, and the overlord also gains new attacks and combat strategies, forcing their opponents to adapt or quickly be destroyed. Failing that, the standard go-to form for evil overlords since the days of Maleficent has been shapeshifting into a dragon.'

I'm not even going to mention giant snakes. Giant snakes are an epic fail. They just don't work. "Oh hey, look, I just transformed into a giant, wriggling quadriplegic whose primary means of attack is hugging or biting people! Fear me!"

*...The only transformation I have involves turning into a living shadow. It allows for greater mobility, but I can't utilize my full powers in that state.*

'What kind of evil overlord are you?'

*The kind who got killed by a magical rainbow of murder in ten seconds flat.*

'What did the rainbow taste like?'

*Pain. It killed me, remember?*

'Fair enough. Can we fly?'

*No. I can levitate objects, but flight isn't possible.*

'Can you levitate your own body weight?'

*I can levitate several times my own weight, easily. Why?*

'You'll see.'

"I have a plan," I announced, still confident. Turning towards the archon, I asked, "You mentioned that this facility has a means of harvesting water from clouds?"

Nodding, the archon said, "Yes. It is currently inactive, since it is a low priority function, with the water reserves nearly full."

Hopeful, I asked, "Can it filter out any contaminents from the clouds? Mundane or magical?"

"Affirmative," the archon replied, its head tilting, as if regarding me in confusion.

Grinning like a wolf, I asked, "How long would it take to activate that system?"

The facility rocked again, harder. It seemed that Arabus was gathering more energy for his attacks now. That meant we had more time between strikes, but it would also mean that it would take fewer hits before things went bad...

"Five minutes," the archon said, then added, "However, the passive field is automatically deactivated while the cloud harvesters are powering up, or in use."

"You're thinking of throwing Arabus into the cloud harvesters?" Ladyhawke asked, surprised.

"Yes, yes I am," I admitted, my evil grin growing bigger by the second.

"But you heard what the archon said," Sweet Melody protested, more shocked than anything else. "It will take five minutes to do so, and in the meantime, we'd be defenseless!"

"Which is why," I said, posing dramatically, "I'll be outside, keeping his attention away from Sanctuary."

The shocked looks of the assembled ponies were cut short by the fortress rocking again.

"Unless you've got a pair of wings up your sleeve," Ladyhawke stated, bluntly, "you're not going anywhere."

"I've already got that handled," I said, "but I will need a few things. Does anyone here have a violin?"

*Why a violin?*

'Clannad, Episode Eleven, The After School Rhapsody. The violin concert.'

There was a pause, and then Sombra burst out laughing.

*I'm not certain if you're insane, evil, or a genius, but as a distraction, it might work.*

"Pbbbt."

I turned around at the unusual sound, and saw a singularly unusual sight: It was a pony whose entire body mass seemed to be composed of the softest, fluffiest, fur imaginable. Dark purple in coloration, but with a splash of light blue where her mane would be, she was undeniably unique amongst the crowd. She locked eyes with me, her own eyes the most amazing blue I have ever seen...

And then she stuck out her tongue and went "Pbbbt" again.

"Excuse me?" I asked, a bit confused.

*I can't believe it. An honest to goodness Fluffy...* Sombra's voice was full of wonder as he said that, and for perhaps the first time, he sounded like something other than a total bastard.

'A what?'

*A fluffy pony. I've only heard of them, but they're an extremely rare subvariety of pony. I'm told that, prior to the founding of Equestria, they were hunted almost to extinction by evil wizards wanting to steal their magical fur. They're said to have mystical powers that defy all description...*

'Well, if being cute as fuck is a mystical power, then I'd say that the legends are true.'

The fluffy pony reached into her fur, and pulled out a violin, along with a bow. With another "Pbbbt", she handed it over to me.

"Thank you," I said, smiling gratefully. "I don't suppose you have a surfboard, do you?"

And wouldn't you know it, she reached in, and pulled out a bright pink surfboard. It was longer than she was tall, so I honestly don't know how that worked. Magic fur, maybe?

"In any color other than pink?"

"Pbbbt pbbbt," she replied, then stuffed it back in, and pulled out another one, this time blue and white.

"That'll do," I said, taking the surfboard as well. Half-joking, I asked, "I don't suppose you have a pizza in there, do you?"

*Pizza hasn't been invented here.*

'...The fuck did you just say?'

*There's no pizza here.*

'This place... this place has surfboards, but no pizza?'

*Honestly, I didn't realize we even had surfboards yet. But pizza is a definite no.*

'I'm going to have to teach them how to make one.'

*This isn't like Earth, where you can go to the store for a bag of flour, mozerella, and whatnot. You'll need to have it made from scratch, and during this time period, making things from scratch means you're involved from the moment things come out of the ground.*

'I can do that.'

*...Seriously?*

'You can read my memories, right? Look up preparation number eighty-seven for the zombie apocalypse.'

*...Why would you even...?*

'Because I don't care if civilization is coming to an end and zombies are out to eat my flesh, I am going to have some fucking pizza when I want it, even if I have to cook it with a shovel over a campfire. Take from that what you will.'

Meanwhile, Miss Fluffy was putting on the grandmother of all sad faces, fit to break the heart of Sauron, Gargamel, and Cobra Commander themselves. Giving a cheerful smile, I said, "It's okay, you're still the best pony ever."

The fluffy one gave an excited gasp, put both her front hooves to her cheeks and gave an expression that I could only describe as a Visual Diabetes Inducer. She then pounced on me, giving me the fluffiest hug I had ever been given...

Seriously, no one can hug you better than a fluffy pony. Scientific fact.

The fortress rocked again, knocking the two of us loose. I turned towards the archon and said, "I need you to lead me to the closest exit, and quickly."

The archon nodded, and said, "Follow me."

I turned to the others, gave a bow, and said, "I'll be back." With nothing further than that, we left the room.

*Are you sure you're ready for this?*

'Are you kidding? I've always wanted to murder a cloud.'
-------------------------------------------

"Do you think he'll be able to do it?" Sparkling Sunset asked the fluffy pony, after Sombra and the archon were out of earshot.

The fluffy one said, "If he were the Sombra I knew in my youth, I'd say no. If he were the Sombra that terrorized the Crystal Empire, I'd say probably not. Neither one would be a match for a fiend, especially not one in its home element." She paused, and then said, "But he is neither. He may look like Sombra, but he doesn't act like him, or talk like him, or walk like him. I'd almost swear that I was looking at another pony wearing my former best friend's skin..."

"Resurrection isn't exactly something well studied, so there's no telling what happened to him when we brough him back. I'm sorry, Hope. I know how seeing him again must hurt you," Sunset said, sadly.

"If we survive the next fifteen minutes, there will be plenty of time to sort this all out. In the meantime, it's better if he thinks that Radiant Hope is long gone..."
---------------------------------------------

*So this is your crazy plan...*

'Oh please. This isn't one of my crazy plans.'

*We're about to go confront a cloud fiend in the sky, which is his home turf, by the way, and we will do something that is intended to draw his ire, something that any sane pony would go to great lengths to avoid. We'll only be armed with a violin and a surfboard, and we'll have to keep him focused on us for five minutes, minimum. Our offensive spells would do little more than amuse him, so we'll have no means of fighting back against him if things go bad. And all of that is so that we can use a system whose reliability is highly questionable, but you think will absorb and destroy him. Maybe. You're not sure.*

'Pretty standard, really. I've done stuff like this dozens of times.'

*In video games.*

'Like my dreams or delusions are any different?'

*This isn't a dream or a delusion.*

'Said the voice of the evil unicorn wizard king in my head, without even the slightest trace of irony.'

*Heh. Fair enough. I'll let that drop for now. But this is still a crazy plan.*

'Sombra, I'm a student of Dark Schneider, Deadpool, Lelouch Vi Brittannia, The Joker, Captain Tylor, Mister Torgue, Eikichi Onizuka, and Spider Jeruselum. Believe me when I say that you couldn't handle my crazy plans.'

*I don't know who any of those people are, and yet, somehow, you mentioning the fact that you view them as idols fills me with an inexplicable feeling of dread...*

'Heh. That only shows that you're still sane. Alright, let's go piss off a cloud...'
--------------------------------------------

The floating fortress was beginning to get on Arabus' nerves for several reasons. First and foremost, it was a mountain, and mountains should not fly. As a ruler of the sky, that, in and of itself, would have been enough to anger the cloud fiend. However, it was also proving to be an incredibly resilient fortress, having taken more than a dozen of the strongest lightning bolts that he could summon, and its barrier was still standing. There was a feast inside, a soft gooey center that set his mouth to watering, but this hard outer shell was proving tougher to crack than he'd expected...

Arabus was hungry. To be fair, he was always hungry. He was hungry for shadows, and hungry for power. The fact that devouring the shadows of other creatures put them into a death-like coma due to his having devoured a sizable portion of his victim's soul in the process meant less than nothing to him. All that mattered to him was eating more, growing stronger, and serving his new master.

Preparing another lightning bolt, the fiend's concentration was broken by a pony riding a surfboard in midair appearing directly in his face. "May I have you attention, please?" the pony asked.

Snorting at the absurdity of the floating pony, Arabus waved his hand in front of his face, forcing the pony to back away. "Begone, knave, lest I smite you down here and now," he snarled at the floating unicorn.

The unicorn floated over towards the cloud fiend's ear. Assuming the unicorn was leaving, Arabus began readying another lightning bolt... and suddenly shrieked, clutching his ear as an incredibly loud and terrible noise seemed to fill the entire world.

If you fed a thousand cats tail first into a giant meat grinder, a giant rusty meat grinder that was powered by the souls of the damned, then you might, just might, have an inkling of how terrible that sound would be. Arabus was almost perfectly intangible, but he could still see and hear. Bright lights could hurt his eyes, and a sufficiently loud and discordant noise would hurt his ears...

The unicorn's voice asked, "Do I have your attention now?" He sounded unbearably smug.

Turning towards the floating unicorn, who was now grinning evilly and playing a violin... well, playing was not the correct word for it. He was using the instrument to generate a sound that had no place on this world or any other, and it seemed that he was using a spell to amplify the sound a thousand-fold...

A part of Arabus realized that this had to be some sort of distraction, but that part was drowned out by a desperate need to stop the agonizing cacophany that was coming from the unicorn and his instrument of torture.

The cloud fiend tried to swat the unicorn down, but the pony's surf board agily dipped below the outstretched arm as if it were moving in slow motion...
--------------------------------------

*Remarkable...*

'Heh, you know, I always wondered why other people have trouble seeing attacks coming on video games. It didn't occur to me that I was unique until I was in high school.'

*You have a natural talent for reading the movements of others, and have developed that talent its full potential, albeit in an unusual fashion. Had you been raised as a martial artist, you'd be untouchable. Had you been raised as a wizard, you'd be a prodigy...*

'Instead, I chose to be a gamer, so instead, I'm just awesome. Of course, it helps that this fat asshole is so slow, and his attacks are so badly telegraphed. Even if we hadn't spent a couple of minutes watching how he launches those lightning bolts, it would be child's play, dodging his attacks.' I paused, and then added, 'How are you holding up?'

*I can manage twelve spells simultaneously while carrying on a conversation and writing my thoughts down in a journal. I can easily manage just two while conversing with you, especially with you predicting the ideal flight path for us to take. We're already at two minutes, and he has yet to even get close with his attacks. So long as we track his line of sight, we can easily predict where each lightning bolt will be headed, and his extreme obesity does indeed make him pathetically slow. I'll admit, it seemed a crazy plan, but now that we're doing it, I can see why you felt it would be so easy.*

'Just stay on your toes, well, hoof-tips. The way things are going, we should be fine, so long as he doesn't try anything new.' I chuckled, and added, 'No one can hit me with a move I've seen at least once.'
------------------------------------------

Diretusk scowled up at the clouds, and were he not a small child with a limited vocabulary for profanity, he'd likely have cursed loudly and viciously enough to make the heavens weep.

It was obvious that the unicorn (and the piglet was almost certain that unicorn was Sombra) was distracting the cloud fiend. For what purpose was unclear, but there was bound to be a reason: The fortress had not launched an attack, but instead had simply taken the fiend's barrage, so there was a possibility that there were currently no active weapons on the floating citadel. However, the fact that Sombra was out here, distracting the fiend without attacking him, implied that some sort of weapon was being readied, else why would he be out here?

However, it was also obvious, even from so far away from the battle, that the sounds of the violin were suffient to keep the cloud fiend fully distracted, however long that distraction would be needed. It would be like having the mosquito from Hades buzzing in your ears: Instincts take over, and you cannot help but try to swat it away.

Diretusk himself would need to take a trotter and intervene, before this went any further...

Turning towards the Swineherd, he said, "I'm going in. Allow nopiggy near my body while I'm at work."

The massive boar nodded and said, "Yus, boss."

With that, Diretusk laid down, closed his eyes, and began calling upon the spell of Subjugation's true power...

Bringing the fiends under his command had been a side effect, although a welcome one, of the spells true intention. For a being like Diretusk, granted a small, weak body but immense magical powers, the spell's true form was something far more useful...

It allowed him to become something greater than himself.

There was a moment of transition, and then Diretusk was seeing the world through Arabus eyes.

^Master?^

#Move aside. I'm taking over.#

^Yes master...^
---------------------------------------------------

"Uh oh..."

That was all I'd had a chance to say before Arabus/Diretusk's new attack hit us from seemingly out of nowhere. The only warning that we'd had was that our hair began standing on end, and then BOOM!

Arabus didn't just throw lightning bolts, he could generate thunder as well. He'd simply clapped his hands together, and a massive blast of noise nearly deafened us both, causing us to flinch. For just two seconds, we were sitting ducks. That was more than long enough. While still trying to recover, he'd simply snapped his fingers, and launched a small lightning bolt at us. Well, small is a relative term. It wasn't a fortress breaker like last time, but for a pony, it was more than enough, given how fast and accurate it was.

The attack destroyed the surfboard and violin in an instant, and our magic instantly went out. The intense pain of being electrified had disrupted Sombra's concentration, so that, even if the surfboard had remained intact, we'd not have been able to keep airborne. It was a testament to Sombra's physique that the blow had only hurt us, rather than slaying us outright. Almost any other pony would have been reduced to a smoking cinder on contact.

*Blast it! I can't work magic! Our body is still feeling the effects of the last attack. We'll need at least a minute before we can shake it off...*

But without something for us to stand on, it wouldn't have mattered much, even if we'd had the time necessary to recover. We were already headed for the ground at high speeds. I estimated that we'd have about thirty seconds before we hit the ground.

On the heels of that revelation came two more: One, getting hit by that lightning bolt had hurt, so there was no way that this could be a dream. This was real. Painfully real. Number two? We were about to die, and without me there to distract Arabus, the mares were going to join me pretty quickly...

I Am Capable Of Many Great Things

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And what happened next?

Well, I fell to the ground, broke my neck, and died, of course. How am I still here? Well, when the reaper came for me, I grabbed his scythe, cut off his head with it, then carved out his heart, ate it, and took his powers.

...Yeah, I'm just fucking with you. Still, what actually happened is even more unbelievable, honestly.
--------------------------------

"Oh no!" Nearly all of the mares exclaimed, seeing the battle unfold on the holographic display. Things had seemed to have been going so well, but now, when victory had been but a minute away, Sombra had been laid low. The assembled mares watched in despair as Sombra began to plummet.

Rosy Sunrise, who was sitting at the back of the crowd, wasn't watching any of that. Instead, she was staring in fascination at Miss Bubbles, who had started glowing at the beginning of the battle, and was now levitating above her head. As Sombra began to fall, the doll suddenly zipped off, entering the fluffy pony's fur, and then shot out again, carrying a bright pink surf board. An instant later, it had zipped out of the room, going so fast that the entire room shook from the force of a sonic rainboom...
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You know, I've always believed in karma. You know, if you do bad stuff, bad stuff happens to you, and if you do good things, then good things happen to you? Well, over the course of the day, I'd done exactly one truly good deed, and now, in the moment when things seemed at their darkest...

...That good deed paid dividends.

Ten seconds before I hit the ground, something small, fast, and undeniable plushy and adorable, collided with me. In an eyeblink, I found myself being held in the air by a tiny little pegasus doll... who was glowing like a miniature star.

'Sombra, when you "Made Miss Bubbles All Better", you didn't give her life, did you?'

*Not as far as I know... Wait. The connection from earlier!*

'The one you were talking about earlier? The one that seemed to be affected when we made a promise to one of the mares, and when we kept that promise?'

*Exactly. The ritual used to revive us was blood magic. Each of the mares offered a drop of their blood in order to complete the spell. Blood magic is insanely powerful, so much so that trying to use it for almost anything other than a supremely powerful spell is like trying to use nuclear fission to power one of your world's mopeds: The sheer energy unleashed is typically so far beyond what is actually needed that it would cause an explosion when the unused energy is released. When we fulfilled our promise to Rosy earlier, we started something, but it wasn't a one-to-one exchange: The potential magical energy in just a single drop of a virgin's blood would be enough to do what we had done a million times over, to a million more dolls. I think that the link took one drop of Rosy's blood, and used it to continue making Miss Bubbles 'better'.*

'Is blood magic really that powerful?'

*Blood magic can be used to make an unbreakable magical pact, using just a single drop of blood, something no other magic can do. It can be used to perform works that otherwise take dozens of master wizards working in tandem to accomplish. Blood magic can be used to create life, something that is literally impossible to do otherwise, since, by the laws of magic, only life can create life. The sacrifice of the entirety of a virgin's blood can open a stable rift in space-time large enough to allow a monster the size of a moon to come through, something that otherwise requires a staggeringly large number of cosmic forces to come into perfect alignment...*

'When the stars are right...'

*Heh, your H. P. Lovecraft knew more than he thought he did.*

'So... when will it stop making Miss Bubbles "better"?'

Miss Bubbles suddenly flashed brilliantly bright, and suddenly, I found myself being held in the air by a full sized doll as large as any mare I had seen back in Sanctuary. Except... those hooves were warm...

*Right about now, I hope. Much further, and she might grow a horn, and I don't know if the world is ready for a wall-eyed alicorn.*

Suddenly, Miss Bubbles pulled me close, and planted a big kiss on me, right on the lips... and didn't stop there...

Okay, I'm not gonna lie, it was kinda weird, but it established, right then and there, that Miss Bubbles wasn't a doll anymore. No plushy doll can deliver a french kiss like that. I'd rate it a seven out of ten, which isn't bad for somepony who had been an inanimate object that morning, and especially in a life or death situation. A '10' kiss needs a good deal more buildup, appropriate background music, and fewer distractions, like a gigantic cloud fiend trying to kill you.

Case in point.

We were suddenly interrupted by the cloud fiend trying to fry the pair of us with a lightning bolt. Miss Bubbles tossed me up into the air without warning, and quickly zipped to one side as a bolt shot by us, close enough to make all the hair on my body stand up briefly. When I came back down, she caught me, and hoofed me the bright pink surfboard from earlier.

'Wait, she didn't have that a second ago. Where was she keeping it? Hell, she was a tiny doll earlier. Where the fuck could it have been then?'

*I'd tell you, but the full explanation of the properties of hammerspace is at least three hours long, and require visual aids. It's almost as bad as the 'How can we hold things with our hooves?' lecture.*

'Well, at least there is an explanation...'

I took the surfboard, smiled, and said, "Thanks." Sombra's horn lit up, signalling that our magic was back in working order. "Alright, I'll take it from here. Get back to Rosy, and no matter what, don't let anyone hurt her, alright?"

The former doll saluted, then took off like a shot, while Sombra and I mounted the surfboard.

'The fat bastard is keeping away from the fortress. I think he figured out our game.'

*Or Diretusk did. I didn't realize it until after we were hit, but the swine is riding Arabus right now in a manner similar to our own arrangement, although it seems that Diretusk is in full control rather than sharing like we are. In a way, it's a good thing, though: The little piglet isn't as aggressive as that cloud is. Now that his surprise attack has failed, I think he's waiting for us to make the first move. I don't know how long that will last, though.*

'Well, I have a new plan now. Remember what I told you about my crazy plans earlier?'

*And that I couldn't handle them? Please. I doubt that you could come up with anything that could truly surprise me.*

I told Sombra what I had in mind.

*...I take back what I just said.* He paused, and he added, *It... it might work. I honestly can't imagine anyone expecting something like that, at least.*

'Good. Now, let's do this, before he launches any more lightning bolts.'

And with that, we shot forward like an arrow, and plunged directly into Arabus' might gut. Partway through... we changed. The surfboard shot out through the other side, but we remained inside.

I don't think I can properly express in words how it feels, becoming a living shadow. Imagine all your muscles going as limp, as relaxed, as humanly possible. Now imagine an experience that is as far down the spectrum from that as your totally relaxed state is from your body being completely tensed. Now imagine still being able to move your body without leaving that state. There you go. That's the best way I can describe how it feels, physically. Mentally and emotionally, though, it's something that is completely indescribable.

'Whoa. Freaky...'

*You should have felt it the first time I did that. If you think that was weird, imagine how it feels in a body that isn't used to that.*

'I'd rather not. Alright, are you ready for phase two?'

*Can anyone be ready for... that?*

Good point. I mean, the idea behind my plan felt sound, or at least as sound as anything can be in a world where magic is a thing, but I honestly didn't know all the rules. The only thing that gave me any hope was this: Arabus was 'almost' perfectly intangible, according to Sunset. That meant that there were at least a few things that could actually touch him. As far as I knew, there were two things on that list. Number one was the wind, which Celestia and Luna had apparently taken advantage of, using a powerful cyclone to strip Arabus of his exterior clouds.

Number two? Well, if he ate shadows, then that meant that shadows were solid to him. Otherwise, they'd just slip right out the moment he ate them. That was why, while the surfboard had shot out, we'd remained behind in our shadow form. Now we were inside the stomach of the fiend...

*That is a lot of stolen shadows.* Sombra sounded genuinely impressed.

'I suspect that we're looking at every shadow he's stolen since he's escaped. Clouds don't have much of a digestive system, after all.'

It was hard to be absolutely certain, though. What we were currently looking at was a gigantic pool of inky black in a 'chamber' colored dark grey. Every so often, we'd see a pony-esque figure seeming to struggle, trying to climb up the walls of the stomach, but it seemed that there was no place for their intangible hooves to find purchase, and they'd slip right back in. A dozen feet lower, and we might have ended up inside of that mass. Not that it would necessarily have been a bad thing if we had: Phase Two relied upon those stolen shadows, after all.

*'Once more unto the breach, dear friends?'*

'Heh. This isn't the time for Shakespeare. Instead, I think it's time to quote one of the greatest superheroes of the 90s.'

*Oh?*

'Let's. Get. Dangerous.'

And with that, we dived in...
----------------------------------------

The unmistakable feeling of a shadow entering Arabus stomach filled the porcine tyrant with glee. Of all the foolish moves, Sombra had tried to enter the cloud fiend's stomach? Moronic. The shadows were tied to Arabus very existence. It took the magic of alicorns to unbind them. Sombra might as well have tried to mend the heavens themselves...
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The first thing that I experienced upon diving in was a tidal wave of emotion. There was anger in that place, and sorrow, and even regret, but the strongest feeling of all was fear. But with those emotions, incredibly enough, were also thoughts.

"Oh no no no no no, please no ARRRGH!!!"

The final thoughts of the ponies whose shadows were stolen.

"Gotta run, gotta run, gotta run... AIIIEEEEE!!!!"

It was, on a mental level, deafening. It would have been so easy to lose myself there...

"Rosy, run! Run and don't look back! KYAAAAAA!!!!!"

That one thought pulled me back from a brink that I'd not realized that I was falling towards. 'Wait, Rosy? Rosy Sunrise?'

*They can't hear you, dolt, they're just shadows. Echoes of who they once were...*

"Rosy? You know Rosy? Where is she?"

*...How?*

'Some echoes are stronger than others.' I paused, then directed my thoughts to the voice we'd just heard. 'She's safe, for the moment, but if we don't stop Arabus, she'll be in danger soon. I need help.'

"We can't escape Arabus. When he consumed us, we were bound to him, until an outside force can remove us from him. Only a power greater than him can do so, and I fear you are not strong enough."

'I understand. But, can I borrow your strength, yours and that of the others? I have a plan to defeat him, and I need your help to do it.'

"We... we can try."
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Diretusk laughed exultantly. That was the great King Sombra? Pathetic. True, Arabus might have had trouble with the pathetic pony, but that was because Arabus was, in truth, a fool. An imbecile. Nearly every one of the fiends of Tartarus could be called such. While they certainly possessed power, they lacked any sort of wit, or skill. Diretusk, who had, since birth, been called the runt of the litter, had honed both to a fine edge. When his wit was combined with the power of the fiends, he was unstoppable. Now, with Sombra safely imprisoned within Arabus' stomach, he was free to...

^Master... I don't feel so good...^

Before the piglet could question what was going on, he felt the fiend's body suddenly become rocked by an overwhelming sensation similar to intestinal distress. Diretusk had felt something similar when, a couple of years ago, he'd eaten a few berries which, he later discovered, were well known for being amonst the most powerful emetics known to boar. Something in Arabus' stomach wanted out, and it wasn't taking no for an answer...

Arabus suddenly threw his head back, and from his mouth, a massive, black hand, with fingers ending is wicked talons shot straight up into the heavens. Seeming impossibly long, within moments, it seemed to touch the very firmanent itself, and paused, as if trying to find something. After a second, it shot to one side, grasping one of the stars. And then... it began to pull.

#Impossible...#

With a mighty noise, one whose volume defied any possible description, the star was torn from the heavens, and the arm began retracting at breakneck speeds. Within seconds, the star had vanished inside of Arabus mouth...

#Why would he...?#
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*Where in the blazes did you come up with this insane idea, anyways?*

'Howl's Moving Castle, mostly.'

There was a pause, and then Sombra admitted, *An interesting movie, I'll admit. Still, this is so far beyond insanity that I can't even begin to explain in how many ways it is impossible.*

'"Go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb."'

*Another quote. Heh. Which one of your teachers is that from? Dark Schneider? Spider Jeruselum? Mister Torgue?*

'Not from any teacher, but from the one fictional character I hold above all others. The man's man's man, idol of millions and most inspirational character from any anime ever. Kamina.'

*Huh. I'll have to look him up later. Are you ready for the next step?*

'Fuck. Yes. But before I do this, I need some appropriate music. Can you play any music on your horn?'

*I can provide. What do you need?*

'Celldweller, Through The Gates. Can you make it happen?'

*Done.*
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Di2lyw_uJRE

The moment that the music began, Diretusk knew that something big was about to happen, and unfortunately for him, he was not disappointed. A long black claw suddenly appeared in the area where Arabus heart would be, if he had one, and then moved quickly downwards, cutting a long slit downwards. From the gap emerged... well, it was hard to describe it in words. It was as tall as Arabus, with a long, flowing body of darkness starting from the ground, an undulating mass that seemed as much smoke as it was substance, until it reached midway up the entity's body, and became seemingly more solid. From there, it's torso took on an appearance similar to that of a minotaur, in that it had a chest and two arms, but no minotaur had ever possessed claws like those, claws clearly meant for the rending of flesh and bone...

Atop the creature's body was a head, which resembled King Sombra's but only in the way that a mackerel's face might resemble a shark's: Sombra had simply looked like a stallion with fangs. This... thing looked as if someone had mated a pony with some great saurian predator from pre-history, granting it viciously pointed teeth clearly not meant for an Equine mouth, and yet the red eyes, aglow with malice and leaking a dark purple smoke, the long, flowing black mane (albeit far longer and wilder than it had ever seemed before), and that blood red horn, were clearly King Sombra's. However, the thing that most arrested Diretusk's, and Arabus', attention, was the four-pointed white star glowing on the Sombra-thing's chest.

Diretusk's disbelief was clear, even in Arabus' own thunderous voice, when he exclaimed, "HE ATE A STAR!?!?!"
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The assembled boarcs on the ground below, exclaimed, nearly in one voice, "HE ATE A STAR!?!?"
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The mares and archon inside of Sanctuary, watching the events unfold in disbelief, exclaimed, almost as one, "HE ATE A STAR!?!?!"
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Discord, who had been eating popcorn and drinking a milkshake atop a nearby mountain while watching events unfold, released one of the most spectacular spit-takes ever performed, even by a being such as himself, and exclaimed, "HE ATE A STAR!?!?!?!?"

After a moment, he added, "Not bad. I wish I'd thought of that..."
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Grinning evilly, with a mouthful of teeth that would have made a t-rex's, shark's, and aligator's look pathetic in comparison, I said, with a voice that rattled the heavens, "I ate a star." My grin grew wider as I added, "I hope you're ready, because there are no brakes on the murder train."

Interlude: I Am Free To Map Out My Own Destiny

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I have been called many things in my life, some of which cannot be repeated in polite company. In fact, there is a great deal of it that cannot be repeated, even in the most vulgar and obscene of company, to be honest with you. I have been called scum, dung, slime, freak, monster, vermin, fiend, aberration, abomination, and a thousand things far worse. The one I have heard the most often though, is 'changeling', and often in a way that is intended to be taken as an insult. It is a terrible thing, when the name of your own species can be made into a slur against your own species. It's even worse if you don't have a name to call your own.

I am a changeling. I was born because a squirrel threw a rotten acorn into a pond of polluted and foetid marsh water. Said pool was filled with the skeletons of ponies, unicorns in particular, and the tree that grew in that pool gorged itself on the mosquitoes which called that marsh home. Then, a wizard named Starswirl, while passing by, nailed a notice to keep away from the tree, suspecting that it was magical in nature. Had he been wiser, he would have used an axe, instead, and then burned the tree down to the roots. Instead, his nail cracked open the tree, and changelings were vomited out into this world.

I was not the first to come spewing forth from that foul tree. I was the last. Dead last. And that, perhaps, may explain why, unlike my siblings, I am different. Whatever foulness had inhabited that vile tree had run out by the time I had emerged, and instead, I was left, if not utterly uncorrupted, then less so than the rest of my kind. Perhaps I am wrong, and instead, there are others like me, and like me, they did not risk letting it show. Why? Because of our queen, may her black heart burst in her chest.

I will not tarry on the nature of the queen, for her flaws are the stuff of legend. She is vain, prideful, cruel, vengeful, and a thousand more things that I cannot put into words, as Equine has not the vocabulary to do her wretched nature justice. What I will say is that, if she were to suddenly keel over dead, right this instant, then the overall goodness of the world entire would be improved in a small, yet measurable, way. Instead, my kind is forced to follow her commands. And yet... as much as I despise her, I will not fault her for disloyalty: She may be the scum of scum, but she had watched over us, kept us fed. She leads from the front in battle, rather than watching from safety. Bah, I'll say nothing further. I despise her, as she is utterly despicable, but she was the only queen we had, and I suppose we could have had worse.

As I said, I am an aberration among a species of abominations: Where my kind are slavishly obedient, blindly loyal, and viciously cruel, I am perceptive. I am thoughtful, analytical, even artistic at times. However, that does not make me weaker than my kin.

My first memory, upon emerging from that black and twisted tree, was the face of another changeling. Before I could say or do anything, it hissed in my face with such malice that I had thought, for a heartbeat, that I faced a creature of a completely different species, a predator ready to lunge for my throat. My first instinct was to punch it in the face as hard as I could. This proved to be an appropriate response: There were, oh, about a dozen changelings who had failed the 'Hiss' test, and had, in fact, been so slain, their corpses left to fertilize the tree.

The queen's idea. She came out, dark, cruel, and hungry, and she wanted an army ready to follow her, a fierce and terrible army. She would accept no weakness, and anybuggy who was not ready to come out swinging did not deserve to live. I... suppose she might, in her own twisted way, have had the right idea: We were spewed forth into a world that did not want us. We were an abomination, an abhorred vileness to be feared and despised. The weak would not survive such an existence.

We do not age, we are absurdly resilient, and we do not sicken. Some among our number use this as proof that we are a superior species. I fear the truth is that not even death itself wants us. We exist outside the cycle of life, death, and rebirth, and when the sun finally goes out, when all other things have died, then we will be able to do naught but stare out at a dead and barren world until eternity's end, wishing for a death that will not soil itself with our ilk...

It was while nursing such black thoughts, a century and a score after my birth, and a few weeks after the sun and moon collided, that I first met... her.

The swarm and I were prowling through a settlement, hoping to find some vestige of life, a smidgen of love to feed upon. We were much too late, however: The fiends had come and gone, leaving ruin in their wake. Crunch the Stone Hound had been here, to judge by the statues we found, as had others, I suspect. It would be weeks, still, before Diretusk Subjugated the fiend, and in the meantime, the fiend did not hesitate to turn any pony he saw into stone. Even... even the foals, the colts and fillies...

I'm sorry, I need a moment... alright.

I had ranged far from the rest of the swarm, out on the outskirts of the village. It was quiet there, and if I looked away from the village, towards the forest, I could almost pretend I was alone, someplace peaceful. That is why, I think, I was able to hear her crying.

Surprised, I ventured towards the sound, and came upon a sad scene: A little filly, crying over a pile of stones. I quickly saw that these 'stones' were, in fact, the remnants of a group of petrified ponies who had been shattered. Likely, there had been an argument among the fiends, one that had come to blows, and in the fracas, the ponies here had become collateral damage...

She'd not seen me, thankfully, else this story might have gone much differently. I took cover, and considered my options...

If I collected her and took her to the queen, then the filly would be drained of love, and left weakened and defenseless against whatever else might come to the village when the sun went down. I might, I suppose, have received a reward from the queen, but that meant less than nothing to me. If I left her where she was, well...

I do, in fact, have a conscience. It was why, when in battle, I did my best to keep the harm I did to others to a minimum, and why I never took so much love that it left a pony crippled or permanently harmed. As a changeling, I had to do what I had to in order to survive. Life never gave us anything, after all. Still...

The idea of leaving a little filly, alone and defenseless, just did not sit well with me.

I took the shape of an earth pony, one whose overall appearance could be considered plain. A dull brown coat, a darker shade for my mane and tail, both unstyled and unadorned, but with bright green eyes, I looked like any mare in any village in the world. I noted a cloak that had likely come off of one of the ponies nearby, a bright green with a hood, with a clasp of silver, in the shape of an acorn. I took inspiration from that as I put it on, and gave myself an acorn cutie mark. I very quiety stole up to the little filly, and gently put a hoof against her mouth, holding her gently, but firmly, while stifling her cries.

"There are monsters in the village," I whispered in her ear, my voice gentle, and sweet, but not overly so, "and they may be upon us at any moment." I added, with a sincerity I did not have to fake, "I am sorry for your loss, but we cannot tarry hear. We must be away."

She relaxed, after a moment's hesitation, and then I felt her nod.

I whispered, "We're going to walk to the tree line over there, and then, as soon as we've passed out of sight, we run. Understand?"

She nodded, and we did just that.
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Once we were far enough away from the village, we took a more measured pace until sunset, and then we made camp, although I insisted that we forego a campfire: The swarm avoided the forests these days, due to the slim pickings that we found there, but it was better to be safe than to be sorry. After all, the fiends might still be about.

As we laid down, and the little one snuggled under my purloined cloak for warmth, I asked her, "What's your name, little one?"

"Ginger Ale," she whispered. "You?"

"Acorn," I said simply. "Just Acorn." Changelings don't have names, barring the queen, and Acorn was as good a name as any. Besides, there had to be several dozen Acorns in Equestria: It is a painfully common name.

"Nice to meet you, Acorn Just Acorn," she whispered, and snuggled against me... then stopped. "You're hard," she said, surprised.

Sadly, changelings, when they change, can only project an illusion: We still remain an insectile thing on the inside. "Sorry."

"It's okay," GInger said, snuggling up again. "Mommy and daddy were soft, and that's why the mean doggy took them away." She sniffled, wiped at her nose, then said, "But the mean doggy won't take you away..." She paused, uncertain, and asked, "Will he?"

I smiled, and said, "He won't. I promise."

"Thank you." Ginger snuggled against me, and almost immediately went to sleep. I joined her soon after."
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We awoke to the sound of approaching hoofsteps. I felt a moment of panic, but it passed swiftly: Changelings would not have approached so quickly: For all our natural armor, we're surprisingly silent when on the prowl. There were also the distinctive wingbeats of a pegasus, and the ozone scent that follows a unicorn casting a spell. I looked up, and saw what appeared to be dozens of mares approaching...

"I told you that those were pony tracks," a unicorn said, brightly. She seemed familiar, and it took me a moment to realize why: She could only be Sparkling Sunset, Clover the Clever's apprentice. I, as did many changelings, kept up to date on current events, including potentially dangerous ponies. The apprentice of a powerful wizard almost certainly qualified as such. "And you said that there would be no survivors."

"Yeah," said a crystal pegasus flying beside her, "We only saw the filly's tracks. Why didn't we..." The flier paused, seeming to see me for the first time, and then focused her gaze on the clasp of my cloak. "Oh," she said, surprised, "A forester. That's why."

I'd not realized it before, but the cloak I wore had to have belonged to a forester, or at least the descendants of one: Foresters are rare these days, the ponies who venture into the deep forests in search of adventure and profit. A skilled forester can follow a dangerous animal for weeks, without being scented, and leave no trail when she walks, even in desert sand or swamp mud. Masters were said to be able to turn invisible in the forests, and could track a monster by the smell of its breath alone, even when it was upwind and a league away. As a cover, I suppose it worked.

I nodded, and said, "Aye. I came across Ginger's village yesterday," I said gesturing towards the little filly. "It was too late to save anyone else, and changelings were prowling the wreckage. We decided to run for it. I'm glad it's you who found us, and not Crunch or the bugs." I paused, and added, "But what are you doing here?"

The explanation was simple, and as soon as they mentioned their hope that, when Sombra was raised, he might be able to stop the fiends and fix the sun, I quickly became determined to join them in their quest: Unlike my kin, and my queen, I could look further than my next meal, and what I saw worried me greatly.

The sun, in its current state, could possibly go out at any time. The sun and moon colliding had never happened before, or course, so there was no telling how long things would remain as they were. No sun meant no food, and no food meant no ponies, or life of any kind. No life meant no love. I'm not stupidly evil like my kin, and while I am not, in all honesty, a good creature, I practice what I like to consider rational self-interest: Even if the sun wasn't at risk of going out, tt is a whole lot easier to gather love in a peaceful kingdom than it is in one like what Equestria was becoming. If Equestria was restored to peace and prosperity, then there would be love in abundance. Otherwise, even if the sun never went out, then the chaos, destruction, and strife that rocked the kingdom could render the land almost completely loveless. Changelings cannot die of starvation: An absence causes us to go into a state of hibernation instead. However, being hungry is no fun, and an eternity of starvation pains would not be fun at all. If I wanted to avoid that, I needed peace to return.

"I'll need to make sure you're a virgin, first," Sunset said as she pulled out a talisman from a small sack. In truth, it was a plain, colorless stone, but I could feel the magic in it. "Not that I don't trust you, but there was this one mare who swore up and down that she was one, but only because... well, you have to be pure in every way..." She blushed, embarrassed...

"The mare had been giving away 'Salt Licks' for five bits a pop," the pegasus, one Ladyhawke, announced in annoyance. "We had to sit her down and explain to her that, yes, in the mouth counts as well, even if you don't swallow. We need complete virgins, not technical ones." She blushed, but only slightly. If memory served, Lady had been a lieutenant serving under the famed Commander Hurricane until the final battle, and she had fled, under her commander's orders, the moment it became clear that the might of the Equestrian army meant nothing before the combined might of the fiends. Soldiers are an earthy lot, even the ones with wings.

I didn't have anything to fear in that department: Changelings, barring the queen, are neutral, neither male nor female.

"We... also have to make sure you're a pony," Sunset added nervously. "We had a diamond dog pretending to be a pony last week, using a disguise spell so she could join us. I didn't blame her for trying: The dogs have been having a harder time of it than most." Before I could raise any objections, Sunset quickly passed the charm over my head, and, as it began to glow green, she said, "Perfectly fine. My mentor turned this thing so that it would only glow for ponies who would qualify for the ritual. You're just what we need." Passing the charm over Ginger, and nodding as it glowed, she said, "It never hurts to check. So, if you two will come with us, we'll have numbers ninety-seven and ninety-eight. Ten more to go."

I suppose I was pony enough, and mare-ish enough, to qualify for the ritual. I nodded, and said, "I'm with you."
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In the weeks between then and the performance of the ritual, I have been called many things: Forester, ranger, scout, seeker, friend, comrade, and in the case of one little filly, sister. I find that far more pleasant than anything else I've ever been called in my life as a changeling. I do not know how long this masquerade will last, but I have done my part to contribute. Sombra has risen, and as I watch him do battle with the fiend, I know that I did the right thing. A being with power like his could certainly set the world on its proper path.

I suspect, one day, the queen may notice my disappearance, and seek me out. Or perhaps not: She counts her subjects rarely, and shows little concern for individuals, looking more to our species as a whole. However, if she does seek me out, intent upon dealing out punishment, I will not be afraid. I will go to her with my head held high, confident that I have done at least one, no, two things that made the world a better place: I brought back King Sombra so that he can save Equestria, and I saved the life of a little filly. That is more than a changeling like I could ever have dreamed of...

And before Queen Chrysallis kills me, I swear to you, I will spit in that lanky nag's rutting eyes, and grin right in her face before she takes my head.

I Am A Child Of Perpetual Wonder

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I've gotta say, that day, a long-held dream of mine came true. See, I'd always wanted to know what it was like, being the final boss of a video game. It sounds kinda silly, but think about it for a bit: The villain, the final boss? He's the guy you'll usually remember when the game ends. The big bad gets some of the best lines, he makes the plot move, and he tends to be the guy that everyone remembers best. Don't believe me? Well, let me ask you this then...

Where would the story be without a villain? Remove Naraku from Inuyasha, and there would be no plot at all. Naraku, his origins, his machinations, are central to the plot. Remove Sauron from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and the heroes would go about leading peaceful, happy lives. Chrono Trigger is all about stopping Lavos: Without that gigantic alien porcupine, the entire world would have been at peace. 99% of Final Fantasy 7 is just about following Sephiroth around the world. Who'd read or watch Batman if he didn't have such a great Rogues Gallary? Hell, remove Skeletor from He-man, and you'd just have a story about a mary-sue-ish prince who uses a magic sword to gain an excuse to walk around in his underwear without anyone commenting on it. The villain, nine times out of ten, makes the story. The better the villain, the better the story becomes...

And it's always cool when two villains fight it out.

I've digressed a bit, sorry. Back to the story...
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*I have good news, and bad news.*

As I cracked our knuckles with a vicious grin on our face, I blanched inside. I figured that my grand plan might have some drawbacks. After all, we had essentially eaten what, back home, would have been a sun-sized nuclear reactor. While Equestria ran by different rules, and stars were... smaller here, it didn't change the fact that I had broken one of the biggest rules on the Evil Overlord list, by eating an energy field that was probably a great deal larger than my head. There had to be repercussions to that...

'Good news first.'

*The star is stable. It seems to have merged completely with our body, so currently, there is no risk of us going 'critical mass', as you might say back home.*

'That is good. The bad news?'

*What you said earlier to Sparkling Sunset, regarding our being at minimum capabilities, is correct: Our body is still weak from revival. We've sustained several injuries at a point in time when our body is still in what you might call a start-up mode. When the archon blasted you earlier, you felt no pain because your nervous system, in particular the portion which detects pain, had not yet fully revived. That lightning bolt fixed that, giving us what you might call a jump start, but we're still in a body that hasn't had sufficient time to recover. The star is giving us power, but our stamina will run out in, at a guess, five minutes. After that, we won't be able to maintain this form, or even consciousness. So, we need to beat him, and quickly, or we'll be easy prey for him.*

'Right, got it.' On the outside, my smile grew larger, and more feral. 'Then that means we don't have time to dick around.'

Arabus raised his hands up, spreading them wide in preparation for another one of his 'Thunderclaps'. No, it is not a lame pun. Look, he claps, and it makes thunder. What the fuck else should I call it?

"Oh no, you are not doing that shit anymore," I said, rushing forward, faster than I could have imagined possible. Witnesses claim that I teleported. Personally, I think it was just a flash step. What's a flash step? Ah, well... there's a thing called 'The Persistance Of Vision'. Basically, if a change occurs within the span of one fifteenth of a second, it is impossible for eyes, or at least human eyes, to see it happen. So, essentially, in the span of one fifteenth of a second, I had covered the distance between the two of us, appearing almost as if by magic right in his face, and had one hand on his throat, and the other on the wrist of his left arm. I was fast now. But not just fast.

The look of slow, horrific realization crossing Arabus face was beautiful. It became even more sublime as I asked, "What's the sound of one hand clapping?" Before he could respond, I brought my mouth, my wonderful, horrible, monstrous mouth full of teeth down upon his left shoulder, and bit down...

Sheogorath was right: Clouds do taste like butter and tears.

My right arm finished what my mouth started, and I pulled his cloudy arm off at the socket. I drew my head back, bits of cloud streaming from my teeth, and as Arabus was just beginning to scream, to even begin to feel the pain of my bite, I spun, and brought the arm around, hitting the cloud fiend in the face with, on a being of flesh and blood, would have been the wet end, knocking the cloud fiend back and increasing the distance between him and Sanctuary.

All of that transpired in less than fifteen seconds.

I had earned every trophy and achievement in Splatterhouse: I know exactly how to fight like a bloody, ruthless monster if the situation calls for it. Given the body I had to work with at the moment, that was the only way I could truly be expected to fight. I'd have loved to have engaged him in something more refined, like a battle of spells or something of that nature, but sadly, I had yet to get a handle on spell casting.

Arabus clutched at the spot where he'd once had a left arm, his face a study of anger and pain. His expression turned determined, and he seemed to concentrate for a moment. I suspect that he was trying to grow back his arm. Well, given that his body was mostly fat (How the fuck a cloud can be fat, I'll never know), he had mass to spare. However, after a moment, his expression turned shocked, and he looked down at the injury...

I'll admit, I was kinda of taken aback as well: The remnants of his left shoulder were turning black. Not the black of a dark thunder cloud, but rather the same sort of black that my body was composed of: The kind of black that you might find at the bottom of a deep cavern, one that had never seen light, and barring human intrustion or the earth splitting in two, never would. It was the darkness that even light might shun.

*Unlike our claws, it seems our mouth can inject our foes with our essence.*

'That doesn't look like pure awesomeness, so I'm pretty sure that my essence isn't in there. That looks more like what I imagined pure bastard would look like, so I'm thinking it's all you in there.'

*Heh.*

Arabus, desperate, gripped the darkness, and ripped it off completely, tearing a large chunk of his mass off with it. With the infected portion gone, he was able to regenerate his arm, but diminished in size somewhat. The chunk he ripped off, though, disintigrated in midair, and dozens of what I would swear were pony shadows shot out from it, going... wherever pony shadows go.

'Did you see that?'

*Yes. My essence is able to override his control of the shadows he swallowed. If we inject him with enough of our 'venom', he'll lose control completely.*

'A pity we don't have more mouths... Wait, let me try something crazy.'

Our form was a shadow. Shadows don't have a set shape. So, in theory...

I closed my eyes, focused, and brought to mind the first thing I could think of. If I'd been a bit less of an otaku, I might have invisioned a hydra. However, since I am what I am...

My eyes snapped open, and I said, "Yamata-no-Orochi."

*What?*

Eight serpents, four on each side, erupted from my back, their bodies long, dark, and sinuous, and their eyes a deep, dark red, filled with malice. The eight heads opened their mouths wide, revealing teeth like mine, dripping with black venom....

Something changed in Arabus. Up until that moment, there had been a confidence in his actions, one that had been somehow missing for the first stages of our encounter, when I was levitating a surfboard and flying around him, and had appeared only when he'd first performed the thunderclap. It took me a second to realize what had happened: Diretusk, upon seeing what I was about to unleash upon Arabus, had performed the famed military manuever known as the 'Fuck This, I'm Out Of Here.' Arabus was alone inside his head again, for the few seconds left of his existence.

Hard to blame little Gordy down there. I wouldn't have wanted to stick around for what was happening next, either...

The eight heads zipped forward, latching their jaws upon Arabus insubstantial body. The black corruption began spreading quickly, the serpenting jaws pumping the essence of Sombra directly into his body in far greater quantities than I had before. Before Arabus could try to remove the mouths, or to struggle to escape, I had already closed the distance again, seizing each hand by the wrist. Looking the now terrified fiend in the eyes, I said, my expression stern and serious for the first time since my transformation, "Cloudwalker, Skyrunner, Wonderwall, Daybreak, Sweet Memories, Lovely Afternoon, Last Dance, Bad Romance, Final Wish, and Distant Shores. Do those names mean anything to you?"

Arabus, frightened and confused, shook his head.

"They're the names of the first ten ponies whose shadows you stole," I stated flatly. "There's more, many more, and if I had the time, I'd tell you the name of every pony you've robbed of everything they had. They were living, feeling, thinking creatures, and you took everything from them, and you deprived their families of the ponies they loved. You swallowed them up as if they were candy, and you didn't even have the decency to remember their names."

Shadows began pouring out of Arabus by the score, his limbs and much of his body turning black and crumbling away. I retracted the eight serpents back into my body, their work done and more than done. I released my grip on his arms as they finished dissolving away, and grasped his head with both hands. His core had to be in there now, otherwise, he'd have died. Instead, he was blubbering almost incoherently, begging for mercy, as the corruption ate away at what was left for his body, and moved towards his head. He begged me to spare his miserable life, and send him back to Tartarus...

Giving him a glare that would have caused any creature with a working digestive system to void his bowels instantly, I said, "Without the princesses, there's no longer a Tartarus to send you back to." My feral grin returned, and said, "However, I know of one prison you can't escape from..."

With that, I brought my head down, and swallowed his head whole. After gulping him down, I said, "A fate both ironic and poetic: The shadow-eater, eaten by the king of shadows."

As the remains of Arabus hit my stomach, I felt an overwhelming build-up in my stomach. I opened my mouth, expecting to let out a belch. Instead...

Instead I let out the grandaddy of all lightning bolts. It shot out, flying over the army of Razorbacks, still on the ground, and who had been watching the proceedings with awe and dread. Upon seeing enough electricty to give Tesla wood from beyond the grave, a great cry went up from the mass of canned hams, and as one, they began fleeing. I won't say they went 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home,' but I'm told that it would be two days of uncontrolled flight before Diretusk would be able to regain some level of control over his soldiers and get them back into something like order again.

But he'd be back. Some assholes just don't learn.

I felt pure electricity running through my body for a moment, and then it passed. Still, I could feel the energy there... waiting.

'Well, apparently our body runs on Kirby rules.'

*Beg pardon?*

'We eat a fiend, we gain its powers.'

*I see. Well, I hope we can gain their powers by something other than feasting on them: Lavan would be a bit too spicy for us, and we'd break a tooth on Crunch.*

'Well, maybe we can just Mega Man... uh oh...'

A wave of dizziness, followed by a bitch-slap of fatigue, swept over me, almost causing me to black out, then and there. Sombra had been too optimistic: He'd thought we'd have five minutes. Instead, we'd barely had three. The events of the day were taking their toll.

*Blast. Quickly, dimwit, get us back to Sanctuary, before you lose consciousness completely!*

I... I admit, it took everything I had, just to remain conscious long enough to get back onto Sanctuary. As I did, my body returned to its normal state, and I was pony-sized and pony-shaped once more...

I ended up on top of Sanctuary, and was able to get within a few yards of one of the entrances, when fatigue hit me again, this time like a sledgehammer, and I fell to my knees. My sight went blurry, and I began to lose consciousness.

As everything went black, I saw the mares coming running for me, concern etched on all of their faces. That was the last thing I saw before I blacked out, and I did not wake up until the following day.

Interlude: I Take Inspired Action To Keep My Creative Spark Alive

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There are nine words that every pony in Equestria fears. They are words that have heralded nearly every great catastrophe that has ravaged the land, and some Equestrian leaders have actually tried to ban them from being spoken in public. They have been known to cause grown mares to faint, and the bravest of stallions to break down and cry. Alicorns have been known to turn pale at the merest whisper of these nine dreaded words. And yet, before the time of troubles began, they were words that were heard every other day in villages all across the kingdom.

"This is sure to get us our cutie marks!"

I never thought I'd miss the sound of those words, but it has been more than a year since I've heard them. In fact, it has likely been a year since any young group of colts or fillies have uttered that phrase. The death of our hope for the future has put an end to such things. The youth of Equestria currently have far greater concerns than finding out what their purpose in life is. Just staying alive these days is a trial. A year ago, I dreaded hearing those nine words, but now, I'd gladly rip the marks off of my own flanks and nail them to the wall to be able to hear them one more time.

My name is Petite Madeleine, and I am not a baker. Oh no, if you were to call me something as crass as that, I would take it as an insult. No, I am a pâtissière, a professional pastry chef... and I am, as some of my less refined comrades would put it, about as useful as a glass hammer. I've been able to do exactly two things to aid my fellow mares since I've joined the one hundred and eight: Bake bread and provide a drop of blood for the ritual needed to revive King Sombra. That's all, and I am sorry to admit that I'm not very good at baking bread with just the most basic of ingredients. I was a chef who cooked for the princesses themselves. Celestia herself complimented me upon my cakes, Luna once smiled while smelling the aroma of my financiers, and even Discord paused his shenanigans to try a bite of my gaufre. I have cooked for princesses, kings, and queens, and have crafted delights the likes of which most common ponies can only dream of. However, in order to work my culinary magic, I need a fully stocked kitchen, something that is woefully short supply these days. I can bake basic bread, but since it's not my specialty, my own contributions pale in comparison to that of those among our number who specialize in baking peasant bread.

Without a kitchen, I'm more or less just a pretty face. With a golden coat, pink mane and tail, and blue eyes, there were any number of stallions who would have pursued me. Now? Now I had nothing to offer except a drop of my own blood for what, at the time, I had thought an insane undertaking. I'd joined in, hoping that I'd find some sort of use along the way. Instead, the only thing I'd accomplished was baking bland bread...

A sort of slow despair had been creeping into my heart since the loss of the princesses. However, as the others examined the exhausted King Sombra, I began to feel hope once again.

"Are you sure he'll be alright?" Ladyhawke asked, concerned.

"His heartbeat is strong, he's breathing deeply and regularly, and he's not injured, at least as far as I can tell," Sparkling Sunset stated, raising her head from the sleeping king's chest. "He's exhausted, and with good reason, but he'll be fine after he's gotten some sleep, I think."

The archon, that faceless... thing that seemed to be the guardian of Sanctuary, said, "There are a number of sleeping areas that can be provided for his recovery. I will lead you to them."

I surprised myself by announcing, "And while you do that, I'll begin preparations for the celebration."

Lady and Sunset looked at me with matching looks of confusion, and asked, "What?"

"For the last year," I explained, "We've all suffered through hardships, watched our world get turned upside, and have been powerless to do anything about it. However, today, we've succeeded in our goal, the revival of King Sombra. We've secured Sanctuary, the fortress from which we will begin retaking our homeland. We've witnessed the defeat of a fiend, something that, before today, we would have all believed impossible. We've even seen Diretusk's army flee in fear. For the first time since the princesses fell, we have something worth celebrating. If there was ever a time to throw a party, it's now."

The two ponies paused, thoughtful.

"She's right," a voice said by my side, startling me. I looked over to see Acorn, the forester, who had somehow walked up beside me without making a noise. I'd make a comment about needing to put a bell on her, but that's been tried: She once, during our journey, had temporarily donned a jester's costume outfitted with over one hundred little jingling bells, and had proven to as stealthy with it on as she was normally. She can be so stealthy that I'd almost swear she wasn't Equine...

"Morale is important," Acorn continued, bluntly. "If we don't celebrate a victory like the one we've had today, then it loses its meaning. It's been a long, hard road, and we need to let everypony know, no, feel how important today was. A party is exactly what we need. Besides, even with this fortress up and running, it'll take a few days to get anywhere. I can't imagine anything better we could do with that time."

Sunset tapped a hoof against her chin, then nodded, and said, "Alright. I'll leave it to you to get it all done. How long will you need?"

"I'll need a few things to make a proper feast," I admitted, "and the rest of the day, and perhaps most of tomorrow, to get a proper spread prepared. Plus, our king needs time to finish his recovery. So, tomorrow evening, I think." I looked over at the Archon, and asked, "You said that there were food stores available?"

The archon nodded, and said, "After the King of Fools has been seen to, I will be free to bring you everything you will require, and I can also guide you to the kitchens."

Grinning, I said, "Good, thank you." I turned towards the assembled mares, I added, "And anypony who can cook, or just wants to feel useful, feel free to lend a hoof." Looking over at the fillies, I added, "And I'm sure there will be plenty for you little ones to do, as well."

The Archon nodded, and left, leading the other ponies bearing King Sombra away, leaving only myself and the cooking crew. When the archon returned, she led myself, and the other mares and fillies, to the kitchens. As we walked, I heard one filly whisper to one of the others nine words. Nine terrible, horrible, wonderful, beautiful little words.

"This is sure to get us our cutie marks!"

Perhaps our hope for the future is not as dead as I thought it was...

My Curiosity Knows No Bounds

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Chronicler's Note

Before I continue with this record, I wish to go on record saying that, as bizarre as the events recorded in this volume may seem, they are the subject's own words, without exception, alteration, or omission. Warts and all, as requested by the subject himself.

In truth, I find that much of what he has said matches what is written in the history books. Don't believe me? Here's an excerpt from one of the first histories written during that time period. Judge its veracity for yourself.
-------------------------------------------

From the Chronicles of the Imperial Loremaster, penned in the first year of the New Equestrian Empire.
And so it came to pass, in the year after the event now known as The Ruin Of The Heavens, Sparkling Sunset, leader of the One Hundred And Eight, stood within the Cavern Of Rebirth, and performed the Rite of Resurrection. As the mares watched in awe, the remains of King Sombra, he who was once slain by the princesses, became whole once more, and began to breathe.
And lo, while the sleep of death was peaceful, the flavor of life was as sweet as honey, and King Sombra sprung from the ritual slab, and announced his return to all who might hear. While there was confusion in the first moments of his revival, King Sombra quickly established order, and after learning of the state of the world, he taught Sparkling Sunset the key to opening the Road of Rainbows, and led them to the hidden fortress of Sanctuary, just before the dreaded legions of Diretusk the Cruel, may his name forever be cursed, found their refuge.
As they entered the fortress, Sombra and the 108 were confronted by the golden guardian, the keeper of Sanctuary. While at first, there was friction between the eternal guardian of the fortress and the reborn king, before long, the king's courage, kindness, and self-sacrifice would begin to warm the heart of the undying steward. It was shortly thereafter, upon the very steps leading to the fortress' heart, that the great king first declared the Covenant of the One Hundred and Eight, promising to repay each of the mares for their role in his revival.
Even though there was a small disagreement between how Sanctuary would be utilized, once its capabilities became known, great and mighty Sombra reminded his new subjects of the strength and courage within each of them, and they were soon resolved to do battle with Diretusk, and all the other fiends currently ravaging Equestria.
However, as the fortress began to rise, the wicked Swinelord's covetous eye fell upon it, and commanded Arabus, the fiend of clouds, to capture the fortress. The fortress, not yet fully awakened, was in dire peril, yet King Sombra, filled with courage and valor, did ride the clouds as one might ride a chariot, and did battle with the fiend. At first, it seemed that he who rules might fail, but the great king launched an audacious gambit, and invoked the wrath of Arabus many victims, and performed his first great miracle: He pulled a star down from the heavens, and with its power, he smote the fiend down forever, and took the villain's powers. Diretusk and his legions, upon seeing the invincible might of Sombra, fled in terror.
However, even one so mighty as he who rules could not help but to feel exhaustion after such great works. And so, weary from the trials of the day, Sombra returned to the fortess, and fell into a deep slumber.
And Discord, eternally unpredictable Discord, watched all of this transpire from a nearby mountain peak, and smiled...
And thus ended the first day...

--------------------------------------------

I can't help but wonder if the Imperial Loremaster ever actually spoke with the subject of his chronicle...

Anyways, that's enough from me for now. From here forward shall be his majesty's words only.
--------------------------------------------

My dreams have always been weird, even before I ended up in Magic Ponyland, no, sorry, Equestria. But the dream I had that night was unlike any I'd ever had before.

The first thing I became aware of was the sound of children laughing.

I opened my eyes, and saw two little ponies at play in a grassy field. One was clearly a miniature version of Sombra, one that looked as if he'd had all of the bastard sucked out of him. The other was a little filly, with a purple coat and a blue mane, with clear blue eyes. I felt a strange sense of recognition, as if I recognized her on several different levels, but I couldn't actually place how I knew her. The color scheme? Her voice? I don't know.

Somehow, I knew almost instantly that I was dreaming. There was a strange qualityto the dream that made it impossible to confuse with the real world: It's kind of like how you can, even with the best high defination screen in the world in front of you, with the best 3D technology available, be able to tell the difference between an image on a tv screen and real life. In spite of being in three dimensions, everything had a... 'flat' quality to it.

I realized, in a distracted sort of way, that I was back in my sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy body. That would explain, I suppose, what I saw next...

As I looked to one side and saw the adult version of Sombra, bastardliness and all, sitting beside me with a gloomy expression, I also realized that the reason why I could tell it was a dream was because it wasn't 'my' dream. I was looking at one of King Sombra's dreams.

I cleared my throat, and noted his ears gave a slight twitch. Certain he could hear me, I asked, "So, who's the little lady?" I had a feeling there was a story there.

For a moment, I thought that Sombra wouldn't respond, but after a few seconds, he said, "Radiant Hope. The first, and only, friend I ever had growing up."

"So you had a Hope, too?" I asked, a little surprised.

"We are... similar, you and I," Sombra admitted after a moment's hesitation. "I was only able to bring you to my world, and place you in my body, because in your dimension, you're the equivalent of me, although the differences between our respective dimensions is so great that the similarities are mostly superficial."

"So, what happened with you and her?" I asked, as I filed that piece of information away for later evaluation. Sombra had mentioned compatibility before he'd sent me here. I couldn't help but wonder what that actually entailed...

I was honestly more interested in the story between these two little ponies, though. They seemed to get along together very well. While still quite young, they certainly seemed 'compatible' in their own way, and when both of them matured, they'd certainly have made a cute couple.

"I don't want to talk about it," Sombra immediately stated bluntly.

This made me even more curious. Had there been some sort of a falling out between the two? Had Sombra confessed his true feelings to the mare he'd grown up with, only to be shot down? Had she been slain suddenly, and tragically, right before his eyes? Had whatever happened to Radiant Hope been responsible for King Sombra becoming the king of bastards?

I had a distinct impression, though, that if I pried, I'd be lucky if all I got was a refusal. I didn't know if Sombra could hurt me in a dream, but since they were his dreams, and not mine, I wasn't going to try and test that. Instead, I decided to tactfully change the subject.

"So," I began, "what's the story with those markings on the backsides of all the adults?"
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Fifteen minutes later...

"So... let me get this straight: Every pony, typically at around five years old, barring a few late bloomers, gets a mark on their ass that proclaims, for all the world to see, what they'll be good at, or what they'll enjoy the most, for the rest of their lives? And said mark cannot be changed in any way, shape, or form, once obtained?"

"Essentially, yes," Sombra said with a nod, then added, "Although the proper term is 'Flank'."

There were questions upon questions I wanted to asked about that, like, 'What if it turned out that the only thing somepony was good at was killing people?' or 'What would a prostitute's cutie mark look like?' However, I was slightly terrified of what the answer might have been. Instead, I asked, "And no one finds this strange?"

Shrugging, Sombra said, "It's magic. Of course it's strange. However, it helps in cutting down on our race's existential angst. Most ponies are given a clear idea of what they'll be best at, and are given their entire lives to refine their talents to their utmost. Our poets, artists, craftsponies, and sundry others, are able to achieve mastery years before nearly any other races' can. A griffin artist might not become a true master until well into his fiftieth year, and might manage only one true masterpiece in his lifetime, before age renders him unable to compose anything else. An equine artist can reach his or her peak before their thirtieth birthday, and keep going strong for decades. " With a smirk, he added, "It also simplifies the education system somewhat: If your talent is going to be cleaning floors or catching vermin, then you really don't need to spend all that much time learning trigonometry, eh?"

I chuckled in spite of myself, and added, "Fair enough. Still, I don't know how much I'd like it, having my talent, or even just my hobbies, branded on my... flank. I mean, some people back home have weird jobs, and even stranger tastes. Having that kind of thing on display..."

Rule 34 of the internet: There is porn of it. No exceptions. Rule 51: Whatever it is, it is someone's fetish. No exceptions. If you saw someone with a whip for a cutie mark, would it mean that they're good at using a whip, or enjoy getting whipped? Or maybe their ideal job is a lion tamer, or a dominatrix? Or if their mark was a pair of lips, would it mean they're a good kisser, or enjoyed giving and/or receiving oral sex? Hell, if their mark was a chicken, what would that 'really' mean? Cowardice, skill at animal husbandry, or something a whole lot freakier?

Sombra interrupted my thoughts by stating,"It is what we have. While we may question it at times, it is something that exists in our world, so we work around it. Typically, it works out well for everyone. End of discussion."

Noting, for the first time, the lack of a mark on Sombra, and recalling the fact that I never noticed a mark upon my own... flank while I was him, I suspected that this was a sore spot for the unicorn. Well, I imagine that an evil overlord's mark wouldn't be all that nice to look at anyways...

I shrugged, and said, "Fair enough. I've got a few other questions, if you're willing?"

Sombra snorted, and said, "Fine. Do you want the Hammerspace lecture or the Hoofgrip lecture? Either one will take a while."

Both sounded interesting, I admit. Still...

"I think a crash course in Equestrian history would be a good idea, followed by a primer in how to work magic."

Sombra nodded, and admitted, "Fair enough."
----------------------------------------------

I was honestly surprised by how... little Sombra really knew about history. I mean, most of what he told me sounded less like a history lecture, and more like someone telling a story. I was reminded, once again, that this was a medieval era world, and the average person wouldn't know all that much about the past, and even the aristocrats and kings of the past weren't that well educated, when you got right down to it. There was a reason why a lot of kings had advisers, after all. Still, a question soon came to mind, and I couldn't help but ask it...

"Just how old are you, Sombra?"

Taken aback, the king paused his lecture, and then, surprisingly, he blushed. After a moment, he muttered something.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" I asked, straining to hear.

"...Eighteen," Sombra admitted.

I gave the large, well-built pony a look, and asked, "Seriously?"

He nodded, blushing even more brightly than before, but didn't seem ready to speak.

"Dafuq? How is that even possible? You're almost twice as tall as the mares we saw out there, and you've got more muscles on you than any two of them put together."

"My dark magic," he explained, haltingly, "improved my musculature somewhat..."

Incredulous, I asked, "So, the dark side makes you swole?"

"That is... one way to put it," Sombra admitted. "Until I awakened to my true nature as an Umbrum, a shadow pony, I looked mostly like an ordinary unicorn. As I came into my full power, my body increased in size and strength as my magical powers grew stronger." He stopped, and said, "That's enough for right now. There are things you don't need to know right now."

"I kinda think knowing about your species, and your capabilities, is really fucking important if I'm going to be pretending to be you," I stated flatly.

Sombra, seeming to get a bit of his confidence back, said, "There was only one pony who knew of my true nature, and... she won't be in any position to tell anypony." Giving me a glare, he added, "End of discussion."

"Fine. But we will be talking about this later," I said, giving him a glare of my own. Unlike the average Equestrian, his glares had no effect on me, it seemed. "In the meantime, why don't you tell me what you did in the Crystal Empire that made Ladyhawke hate you so much."

He snorted, then admitted, "I murdered the princess who ruled the land, stole an artifact of immeasurable power, then enslaved the populace, using my dark magic to rob them of their memories, hopes and dreams so that they couldn't oppose me."

I gave Sombra a long look, and said, with all the sincerity in my heart, "Sombra, you are a fucking asshole."

The... Umbrum chuckled, and said, "That assertion has been made, although never so... eloquently."

I continued glaring at Sombra, and after a moment, I said, "That wasn't a joke, Sombra. Why the fuck would you do something like that?"

Matching my glare, he said, his voice raising in volume as he spoke, "My entire race is buried in a cave underneath the Crystal Empire. The relic known as the Crystal Heart serves to seal them away, keeping them weak and unable to escape. I, on the other hoof, after being found outside in the snow, was raised in the city, and every year, the entire city held an event called The Crystal Fair, which invigorated the heart, and as a side effect, left me in crippling agony for an entire day. The fair before I fully awakened to my powers would have killed me, had my only friend not been there, and had her own magical powers awaken at that moment! And she was going to be leaving soon, to study under the princesses!! WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED THEN!?!?!?" Shouting now, he roared, "THE PRINCESS KNEW!!! SHE KNEW WHAT I WAS, THAT THE HEART WOULD DESTROY ME, AND SHE NEVER TOLD ME, NEVER WARNED ME!!! SHE LET ME SUFFER, IN PAIN WORSE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE, AND NEVER BOTHERED TO TELL ME WHY!!!!"

My expression didn't change. I'd lived with my version of Hope: I know a bit about teenagers and their temper tantrums. Yes, he might have had a legitimate reason to be angry, but murder? That was going too far. Especially in magic pony land. "So why didn't you just leave?"

Taken aback, Sombra asked, "Leave?

"Well, I mean, if it was one day out of the year," I explained, "why not leave for one day, and come back? Heck, if Hope was leaving, why not go with her? If being in the city caused you to suffer, then why not leave?"

"But..." Sombra sputtered, "My people..."

"What kind of ponies were they," I asked, "that they were so feared and despised that they were sealed away, and an entire city used to keep them imprisoned? You don't do that kind of thing to ponies who make shoes for orphans and weave blue blankets for baby bunnies. You do that to monsters. The kind of monsters that just can't be reasoned with." A thousand video games, animes, and mangas had taught me that lesson. I paused, and said, "You're angry. You had a right to be angry, from what it sounds like, although maybe nor as angry as you currently are. But you need to look beyond the anger, and think things through. I have a feeling that there's something that you're overlooking. Something simple, and obvious, and unbelievably important, that you should be focusing on, rather than your anger."

"You have no idea what..." Sombra began, before my hand shot forward and thumped him on the nose.

"I may know more than you think, Sombra," I retorted as he rubbed his sore proboscis, "I am you, and you are me. The difference is, when I got a bitter mouthful of the truth, I didn't let it turn me sour." I smirked, then said, "Let's leave it be for now. We've got plenty of time to talk about your issues, and compare emotional baggage. Right now, though, I'd like to learn a bit more about magic."

Sombra gave me another glare that bounced off of me like a Superball thrown at a trampoline. After a moment, he blinked, sighed, and said, "Fine."
---------------------------------------

An hour later, I knew a bit more about magic, but not quite enough that I felt confident in using it myself yet. Still, as I began to transition from my dreams to reality, I felt I was getting closer to being able to become a wizard. It might be a while before I would be able to wreck shit on the scale of Dark Schneider or Lina Inverse, but I felt the day might soon come when I might be able to join those ranks without becoming a gigantic shadow monster...

As I came into true consciousness, I felt something. It took me a moment to realize what the warm feeling was, the sound of several people, no, ponies, breathing, and the warm, contented noises coming from all around meant.

'Dammit.'

*What?*

'We left our swag on last night. We're going to wake up covered in mares.'

*Heh. Open your eyes, dimwit.*

I opened my eyes, and saw that I was... sort of right. I was in a large bed, easily large enough to hold dozens, which was good, given that I was apparently sharing it with about thirty fillies, all of whom were sleeping peacefully.

'Sombra, your swag is broken. Fix it.'

Sombra's only response was to blow a raspberry.

I Am Surrounded By People Who Love Me

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Fun fact: Fillies like to snuggle and/or cuddle in their sleep. Constantly. And while unicorns and pegasai have what can be considered 'normal' strength, if such a thing can be applied to ponies, earth ponies have a grip strength in their little forelegs that is simply astounding. The adorable little darlings were gripping my limbs with more than enough force to cut off circulation. I felt a genuine concern that these dainty little darlings might break my bones if they hugged me any tighter. Heaven knows, two of them hugging my waist was enough to give me trouble breathing. The unicorns, however, were very... pokey, and the pegasai were kinda nibbly. I idly wondered if I'd end up as the first stallion to be hugged, nibbled, and poked to death by fillies. Or maybe that was the plan: Perhaps the other mares, fearing me now that they'd seen what I was capable of, and having now secured Sanctuary as a base of operations, they had decided to sneak a tiny army of adorable assassins in my bed. In a few hours, they'd come to check on me, and find the fillies cuddling my crushed, punctured, and half-eaten corpse.

As I lay there, waiting for my impending death by snuggling and/or cuddling, I reflected on the unfairness of it all. My original body had been beaten near to death by a bunch of greedy assholes, and then eaten by coyotes. I now occupied the body of a person who, if not Equestria's biggest bastard, was certainly somewhere in the upper portion of the top one hundred. I was an evil overlord, tasked with a quest that would normally require a legendary hero, and that wasn't even the worst part of it all...

I was now living in what could essentially be called a floating turbo-mansion that came with death rays and a super-shield, and I shared it with a group of one hundred and eight members of the fairer sex, over half of which, if I was judging things accurately, were of the legal age, and were probably incredibly attractive by local standards. Add to this the fact that I was the only male for miles, and you'd have a situation that a number of individuals who would call the best fucking thing ever, barring one tiny little detail: Ponies. Ponies everywhere.

Fuck. My. Life.

While this was my new normal, I was not yet at a point where I was ready to 'go native', if you get my drift. Besides, while ponies might look, in an abstract way, like the horses back home, there was no telling what kind of strings might be attached to the horizontal hoke-pokie here, or even what kind of biological responses might be attached. Did ponies mate for life, whether they wanted to or not? Were stallions like honeybees, and certain pieces break off while getting it on? Plus, there was one other, far more serious, concern...

The spell that brought me back had required one hundred and eight virgins. If one of the mares were to lose their virginity to me, or just lose their virginity, period, would that have an effect on me? Would I drop dead on the spot? I'd have to question Sunset about that later. If I was going to last only as long as a group of nubile, hormonal teenage girls could maintain their own virginity, then this quest might have one hell of a short deadline, especially if 'heat' was as powerful a force on the ponies here as it was on equines back home...

My reverie was interrupted by a voice saying, softly, "Girls, it's time to get up. Breakfast is ready in the main dining room."

In spite of the fact that the words had been spoken in a whisper, the response was instantaneous: The fillies, as one, all raised their heads, and all of them looked towards the same direction, towards a mare, wearing a green cloak, sitting by the bed. How she'd gotten there, I don't know: I didn't hear her approach, and until she'd spoken, I hadn't realized anyone else was in the room. Somehow, she seemed to possess the kind of stealthiness I'd normally associate with ninjas.

However, that all processed at the back of my mind. What the fillies were doing was taking up all of my attention.

Normally, I'd call that kind of response, being able to wake up instantly without complaint, impossible for a group of five year olds: Most kids take some serious effort to get out of bed while sleeping as deeply as they'd been. However, these girls had spent a year on the run from fiends, war pigs, and who knew what else. If they'd not developed a skill at waking up quickly and quietly at just a whisper, then they'd likely not have lasted as long as they had...

The fillies, with an almost military precision, disengaged from cuddle/snuggle mode, and began leaving the bedroom with an efficiency that came from long practice. These little five-years-olds had the act of quickly getting up and skedaddling up to a science. No complaints, no gripes, not even a yawn. They'd been called, and they were up. They were less like children in that moment, and more like soldiers than any child should be allowed to be.

I cannot begin to describe how angry that made me: These were little fillies. In an ideal world, their biggest concern should have been trying to earn their cutie marks, not whether a giant fiend was going to storm into their home and rip off their shadows, steal their magic, or turn them and their loved ones to stone. They didn't need an imaginary monster under their beds or in their closets: The world was filled now with more than enough monsters as it was. And yet, this was their new normal. Their world had gone from the utopia to the dystopia, and it had happened in the blink of an eye a year ago...

So shut up, you dimwit, I told myself as I put a cap on that anger for later use. Things could have been a whole lot worse for me: At least I was in a body that allowed me to do something about the state of the world. These little ladies didn't even have that much to their name. So, for their sake, I'd need to do the heavy lifting.

Resolution One: If it took every drop of blood in my body, I would ensure that the Equestria that I built would be one where children were free to be children.

*Agreed.*

'Really?'

*I was a colt once myself, you know.*

'Fair enough.'

The last filly left the room, almost marching out, on her way to breakfast. The mare, still standing by my bed, said, "Sorry about that, your majesty. Rosy Sunrise didn't need anypony other than Miss Bubbles to keep her company, and Ginger Ale sleeps just fine if I'm with her, but the others won't sleep unless somepony is with them, and tonight, they all insisted that they stay with you." She gave a chuckle, and added, "You were half-frozen when we pulled you in, so you needed all the warmth you could get."

Half-frozen? Oh, right, yeah, I'd been surfing around out there without a coat, a hat, or even a scarf. In a place already cold enough to freeze the wings off of a pegasus, I'd been cruising at high altitudes, so I was essentially walking around nude in a snowstorm back there. Sombra had said that my body hadn't completed its revival before I'd gone out there, which was why I'd not been feeling pain up until I'd gotten electrocuted. Now, though, I'd have to be a bit more careful: Unreal as it seemed, this was reality. Accept it, or go crazy. Those were my options now.

Looking over at the mare, noting her somewhat plain appearance, asides from her striking green eyes, I said, "We've not been introduced. What's your name?"

She nodded, and said, "Acorn, your majesty." I noted that she said it without a trace of irony, sarcasm, or snark. When she called me that, she meant it. I... wasn't ready for that kind of respect yet. After all, yesterday I'd come within a hair's breadth of fucking everything up, only to be saved at the last minute by a stuffed toy.

I cleared my throat, and said, "You can just call me Sombra right now. It's too early in the morning for formal address." I paused, then asked, "Or is it?"

Giving a small smile, Acorn answered, "It can be a bit difficult to tell what time it is, given what's happened to the sun and moon. The one clock we have does insist on it being morning, though."

I nodded, starting the process of getting out of bed with numb extremities, and said, "Good. I heard someone say breakfast. I take it that somepony was able to find the kitchens?"

Acorn chuckled, and said, "Oh yes. A few of our number were bakers and chefs of varying degrees of skill. One of them, if I recall, served in the royal kitchens, and she's organizing a dinner to officially celebrate your victory yesterday. Now that we have enough food to feed a legion ten times over, and do so for weeks without running low, everypony agreed that a good feast was in order." With a wry smile she admitted, "Overall, most of us are a good deal thinner than we were a year ago, and some of our number cannot even remember the last time they'd had a hot meal that they could actually sit and enjoy without watching over their shoulders for our pursuers."

"Well, I'm hungry enough to..." I paused, keeping myself from saying 'eat a horse' and probably terrifying everypony in Sanctuary, and quickly added, "out-eat a legion myself." My stomach grumbled, no, roared would be a better description of the sound my digestive tract made: I'd not eaten since I came back from the dead, so of course I'd be famished. "So, what's on the menu?"

Acorn gestured towards the door, and said, "Petite Madeleine's been cooking breakfast for the last two hours, and she's been coming up with things with names in Prench that I'd hesitate to pronounce, although I did hear somepony refer to something as 'waffles'. Whatever it all is, it smells delightful." She paused, seeming to remember that I was probably the only pony who didn't know where the dining room was, and said, "I'll lead you there."

Waffles. Oh fuck yes. I couldn't expect to eat bacon anymore without having to go and commit bloody murder to a boarc, but waffles? Waffles, I could eat all damned day.
--------------------------------------

"Pins and needles, pins and needles," I muttered as we walked.

"I beg you pardon?" Acorn asked, looking over her shoulders at me.

"While I don't mind the display of affection from the little ladies, the earth ponies don't know their own strength," I explained. "I lost feeling in all of my limbs while they were cuddling me, and it's only now coming back..." As I said that, I started to notice something odd.

Acorn smiled, and said, "That may explain why you haven't noticed yet."

Blood flow was returning to all four of my limbs... plus two.

I looked over my shoulder, and saw something that wasn't there before: Wings. A rather spectacular pair of them, no less.

*Well, that's interesting.*

'WHY DO I HAVE WINGS!?!?!?'

*You ate a star, dimwit. You absorbed into your being a chunk of the power of the cosmos. Celestia embodied the power of the sun. Luna, the moon. Both were alicorns, and by eating that star, you added yourself to those lofty ranks. And those aren't the only things that have changed.*

"I need a mirror," I stated aloud to Acorn. I needed to see how I looked now...
--------------------------------------

The wings weren't the only change, although they were the most... extreme.

I was the same height as before, and my muscles didn't feel any smaller, and yet somehow I felt... smoother. More streamlined. Maybe it was the fact that my mane and tail, rather than the wild, gnarly mass I'd had before, had somehow resolved itself into something that somehow managed to look like salon quality in spite of my having just gotten out of bed. My fangs were, if not gone completely, then they had definitely become less pronounced than before. Perhaps most startlingly, my eyes had changed color completely, from red to green. I still looked like a badass unicorn, but now I looked less like pony Dracula, and more like James Bond in pony form.

*Huh. You almost look like I did before my powers awakened.* Sombra paused and admitted, *I wasn't quite as big or muscular, but still, this was more or less how I looked before I became king.*

'You were pretty handsome, then... for a unicorn, I mean.' Seriously: If a unicorn could look bishonen while at the same time having a body that would impress most body builders, then this is what that unicorn would look like...

My stomach roared again, reminding me that while Vanity was a great deadly sin and all, what my body really wanted was some motherfucking Gluttony.

I turned to Acorn, happy to see that she didn't seem ready to jump my now studly and handsome bones, and said, "Alright, now let's go eat."
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What would happen in the minutes to follow would be amongst the most uncomfortable in my entire life...

As we approached the dining room, I could hear it abuzz with conversation. It was, I noted, of a definitely positive tone. Everypony, it seemed, was riding the high of yesterday's victory. That, combined with the heavenly aromas that were creeping out through the closed door made me confident that I'd be able to go in and eat breakfast without there being a scene...

The moment I entered the dining room, almost all the conversation stopped instantly. The mares, or at least the ones old enough to be considered 'of age', all watched me walk by, with their mouths and eyes wide open. The wings of the pegasai in the room suddenly spread out into full expansion. Little sparks began shooting off from the horns of the unicorns. The earth ponies simply drooled, looking at me as if I was made of chocolate. Sweet, delicious, sexy chocolate.

I'd underestimated, I think, just how attractive I would be to the mares around me. I was the fucking Fabio pony now. I was reminded, more acutely than ever before, that I was the 'only' stallion for miles around. And now I wasn't a 'last resort' option, either. There were going to be fights breaking out over who got a chance at me first...

*On the plus side,* King Sombra contributed with a chuckle, *a lot of them are probably revising whatever wishes they have in mind for you now.*

'Right. They're probably all thinking something along the lines of 'I want to ride King Sombra's Royal Scepter for hours and hours on end.' Dammit. This would be a whole lot easier if they were human, or at least humanoid...'

*Quit complaining, dimwit, and count your blessings. Had I known that I'd be getting this kind of attention after I came back, I'd have reconsidered stuffing your soul into my body.*

'If you want to trade for a few hours, so we can get this out of the way...'

*It doesn't work that way. When you took my place, I forfeit my claim to my body. Period. Even if I wanted to, I can't take it back. And right now, seeing the... selection available, I'm seriously regretting that decision...*

Heh. Every dark cloud has a silver lining, I guess.

'They're all that fine?'

*You have no idea. Any stallion with a working reproductive system would charge Diretusk's legions armed with nothing but a dull spork for a chance to be you right now.*

'Fair enough.'

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, I reached my destination: The only table with a conversation going on. Or really, it was a monologue. While Sparkling Sunset and the fluffy pony were staring at me in shock, exactly one pony had not noticed my arrival, and she was so deep into a rant that I doubted that a bomb going off would have stopped her flow.

And of course, it was Ladyhawke who was doing all that talking.

"...and I don't care if he's an alicorn now, if you think I'm going to bow down to him and call him king, you've got another thing coming. I'd soon lick the dung off of Diretusk's trotter than..."

Unable to resist, I cleared my throat, stopping her mid-sentence. Turning around slowly, with the sort of slow horror that you'd expect from someone who'd just realized that Freddy, Jason, and/or Leatherface was behind them, Ladyhawke looked at me, and...

Well, I'll admit, what happened next was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Ladyhawke turned bright red, and her wings suddenly tried to snap open, only to stop halfway. I will honestly admit, I never imagined it was possible for any member of the fairer sex to force down a 'ladyboner' by pure willpower, but Lady was giving her all to keep her wings from going to full expansion. I didn't know anything about the phenomenon known now as the 'Wingboner' back then, but I knew that those wings snapping open meant something.

I asked, as mildly as I could, "Mind if I sit?"

Ladyhawke blushed even more intensely, but was too intent on keeping her wings from opening to speak. On the fluffy pony, I saw a massive pair of white wings snap open, then a bird's head popped out, and a moment later, an albatross flew out of her fur, giving a loud cry as it did so. The fluffy one herself, however, just watched me while drooling, completely unashamed, a small puddle forming on the table. Sparkling Sunset, on the other hoof, had turned seemingly catatonic, one forehoof raised in the air, and her mouth wide open, as if she'd been in the middle of speaking when I had walked in. The only thing moving now were her eyes, which were zipping up and down my body so quickly that they were causing a motion blur.

Seeing an empty chair, I settled myself in, taking their silence as consent. I said, still mildly, "I'm hungry. I heard that there were waffles?"

Suddenly, in a blur, dozens of mares were falling over themselves to deliver their own plates to me. In seconds, I had more waffles in front of me than I had ever seen in my life, and mine was not exactly a waffle-less existence before today...

'Well,' I thought, half to Sombra and half to myself, as I took a bite 'at least I won't starve...'

Today I Am Radiant

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I'd never considered myself the shy type, but as I was being visually molested by a room full of mares while trying to eat waffles, I couldn't help but want to run off and hide somewhere. Right now, they all seemed content to sit and stare at me, licking their lips while they imagined whatever it was they were planning to do when there weren't little fillies watching, but it would only be a matter of time before something set them off, and I'd likely be buried under an avalanche of amorous mares. Worse, given that I'd yet to confirm if the loss of virginity for any of them would equate to the loss of my life, there was every reason to believe that the coroner would be writing my cause of death as 'Death By Snu-Snu', rather than 'Death By Extreme Exhaustion, Caused By Copious Amounts Of Snu-Snu'. Believe me, there's a world of difference between the two, and you definitely want the latter, not the former.

I idly wondered if this was because I'd become what could essentially be called Equestria's Dark Lord. I remembered from J. R. R. Tolkein's work that Sauron, before he got one of the more serious beatdowns he'd received in Lord of the Ring's lore, was able to wear a 'mask of beauty', one that made him look like something other than a ten-foot-tall tin titan, and made everyone think he was a great enough guy to be called King Excellent without any trace of irony. I couldn't help but wonder, that being the case, if Sauron's mace had originally been intended for use in warding off his fangirls...

*All joking aside, their... interest in you can't be natural.*

'Really?'

*Yes. You're certainly handsome now, more than enough to turn their heads and make their hearts race, but nopony should be this desirable to the fairer sex. Something is... enhancing the effect you have on them.*

"Well, well, well," a voice said from the ceiling. "I must admit, this was the last thing that I expected to see today." I looked up, and saw what I could only describe as Sheogorath's pet. No two limbs on the hovering creature were alike, and even his eyes appeared mismatched. "I suppose that there would be a few side effects to eating a star..."

*Discord.*

'The master of chaos?'

*Exactly. He's in a weight class all his own, so watch yourself, dimwit: A wrong move here, and you'll regret it for the rest of your life.*

I noticed, strangely, that the mares didn't react to the presence of the intruder. In fact, they weren't reacting to anything: They seemed to be frozen into immobility, unmoving and unseeing...

"I trust," I began, keeping my tone neutral, "that when we're done talking, you'll be turning them back to normal."

With a bored expression, the mix-and-match monster said, "I suppose I will. After all, they'd be rather boring if I left them that way." Suddenly blinking out of existence, the creature just as suddenly reappeared, sitting next to me and drinking from a coffee mug. "I was in the neighborhood, and saw your little performance yesterday. I must say, I am impressed. I never would have thought of using the power of a star to take on a fiend. Then again, seeing what's happening right now, there might be a reason that no one has tried that."

Looking around at the mares, I said, "You're saying that the star is directly responsible for this?"

"In a way, yes," Discord admitted. "Alicorns, beings like myself, and the fiends all share something in common: We all embody a primal force of this planet. Arabus represented the power of the storm, so he possessed a cloud body, and the power to control thunder and lightning. Sadly, just like a storm, he was also of a violent and destructive nature, and was completely incapable of caring about others. Meanwhile, Celestia, embodying the sun, was of a generous and giving nature, shining prosperity down upon her subjects. Luna represented the night but when darkness took over, she quit representing the positive aspects, and began embodying the negative ones."

I caught on almost immediately, and said, "And since I ate a star, I've begun embodying the qualities of a star." People often comment on the beauty of the stars, so, since I now embodied a star, I was now indescribably attractive to the fairer sex. Hell, for all I knew, even stallions would find themselves inexplicably turned on in my presence. After all, the beauty of stars was a universal constant, and need not be bound by something as mundane as gender. Maybe it was a good thing I was the only stallion for miles right now...

"Congratulations," Discord said, handing me a report card with an A+ on it, "You've passed. I'd offer you a gold star, but I see you've got your own." He pointed at my flank. I looked, and noted an eight-pointed star on my backside. It seemed that I'd been marked when I wasn't looking...

I looked back at Discord, and was surprised to see that he was gone. His voice, however, remained, stating, "Of course, just knowing that much won't get you out of the trouble you're in. But I'll give you a little time to think before I throw you back into your predicament: The mares will remain in place for one minute. After that, you'll have to deal with the consequences of whatever happens next."

Right, so I had a minute before I went back to potentially getting boinked into the great beyond...

'Alright, so what, asides from being 'beautiful', are stars known for?'

*What?* Sombra, surprisingly, didn't seem as quick on the uptake as I was this time.

'My body is currently channeling one of the qualities that stars are known for, that being beauty. If I can switch my body from 'bishonen mode' to something a bit more tame, the girls should probably calm down. Otherwise, even if losing their virginity doesn't automatically undo our resurrection, we might be spending the rest of our life getting pounded by sex-crazed mares until our pelvis turns into dust.' Admittedly, if alicorns were like deities here, and possessed stamina far beyond that of mortals, it might take a very long time for that to happen, but this many mares, taking turns, would ensure I didn't get any rest between now and the end, even if the first one didn't end up ending me...

*Ah, good point. Well, stars are known for bringing good fortune...*

'Getting 'lucky' is what is likely to happen to us in about forty-five seconds...'

What? The timing seems off? I'm surprised you hadn't figure it out yet: When Sombra and I were communicating, it went a whole lot faster than regular speech did. We didn't have to wait for our mouths to form the sounds, we just thought what we wanted the other to know, and the other got the info instantly. It let us get a lot of info across to one another very quickly.

*Ummm, astrology might work: Stars are known for being omens, portents, signs of things to come...*

'Not to be crude, but I think the girls know exactly what's about to start coming...'

*That was fairly crude, yes. Ummmm, they aid in navigation, no, the mares know exactly where they want to go. They're known to grant wishes, no, the mares already have a very specific wish in mind. They can grant inspiration to others, no, the mares are already coming up with plenty of 'interesting' ideas on their own...*

Suddenly, I remembered the ending of the movie Stardust. The book had ended differently, but the movie had given a rather spectacular climax.

'Stars shine.'

*Yes, they do, don't they? I think we can work with that. Alright, let's see if... there we go!*

As the girls began to move again, their eyes widened in surprise. As they watched in awe, my body began to glow. Not the blinding light of the sun, or some kind of Twilight sparkle effect, but instead, I gave off a soft, gentle glow, like the stars might give in the night sky. The mares suddenly stopped looking at me with lust intense enough to boil water at one thousand yards, and started shaking their heads, as if trying to get their heads back together.

Ladyhawke, possibly because she had been actively resisting the effects of my 'star-like beauty', was the first to fully recover. "What," she began, "was that all about?"

Clearing my throat uncomfortably, I admitted, "Becoming an alicorn seems to have come with some... unusual side effects." Looking at her expression, one of quickly rising fury, I added, "I hadn't realized that I would have that effect on others until I walked into the room. The fillies were perfectly fine when I woke up this morning, and weren't doing anything strange before they got up and left for breakfast. Heck, Acorn didn't even seem to be acting strangely, and she had me all to herself."

That puzzled me a bit, really: By all rights, the moment the fillies had left the room, she should have been drooling over me like the others had been, and with no one watching, she should also have probably tried to seduce me, and test out the royal bed. Maybe something about her made her immune?

Looking around, I asked, "Where is she, by the way?"

"Right behind you, your majesty," Acorn said, startling me, although I think I managed to hide it well.

"And why weren't you... affected?" I asked, both curious and hoping, desperately, to change the focus of the conversation. Ladyhawke had started cooling down, slightly, but while the other mares seemed to be more interested in returning to breakfast, Lady seemed more intent upon drilling a hole in my skull with the power of the glare she was bestowing upon me.

Cryptically, she stated, as she walked around to where I could see her more easily, "I have yet to meet anyone, male or female, pony or... otherwise, who could stir those kinds of feelings within me."
Huh. Well, some people, male or female, are like that...

*She's not lying, but there's something... off about her. If I performed a scanning spell, I could probably tell what she's hiding.*

'Whatever it is, it is not our business. If she wanted whatever it is to be known, she'd have come out and said it. She contributed to our revival, same as the rest, and if she wants to keep things private, we will respect her wishes. Alright?'

*Fair enough.*

"And what," Ladyhawke began, giving me a glare so intense that it made my eyes hurt, "is to stop you from pulling something like that again? With that kind of an ability, you could take any one of us for a 'ride' any time you wanted, and we wouldn't be able to tell if it was because we wanted to, or because you wanted to."

Clearing my throat, I noted, "You seemed pretty dead-set against the idea, if I recall." Inwardly, I laughed as she started to blush, and then continued, observing, "I don't think it works like that. Everypony here who is... of age has the same kinds of hormones running through their bloodstream..." I glanced at Acorn, and internally added, 'I think', and then continued, "And you're all miles away from civilization, and other ponies... including other stallions. Would I be wrong in saying I'm the first stallion any of you have seen in weeks?"

While Sparkling Sunset, still sitting at the table, nodded immediately, as did the fluffy one, Ladyhawke glared at me again, and after a few seconds, nodded once, but said nothing else.

"I think that... all it did was bring certain urges to the surface," I concluded. "You see a handsome stallion, you feel an attraction. It's natural, and you choose whether you act on that attraction or not, but whatever you choose, that attraction still exists. If it was some kind of uncontrollable urge, then I think I would have been mobbed the moment I walked in the door, instead of just turning heads. I think I was just... temporarily more attractive than I normally would be, and everypony, or at least those of you old enough to entertain those kinds of urges, overreacted to them. Nothing more, nothing less."

Ladyhawke's glare, after a moment, let up, and she let out a long sigh. She gave a weak chuckle, and said, "Alright, I'll buy that. It... has been a while since I've seen a stallion, and I will admit, you're a lot easier on the eyes than you were yesterday."

*I'll choose not to take that as an insult.*

'Ha!'

"Besides, he did turn it off," Sunset added quickly. "If he'd intended to... do anything to us, he'd have just kept it going, never told us about what was happening, and we wouldn't have been any wiser."

"Right," Lady admitted, grudgingly. She didn't like me, obviously, but I suppose she was willing to concede that I wasn't a complete dick. She took a bite out of her breakfast, and asked, while chewing, "So... what exactly can you do, now? I mean, we didn't know how much you were capable of before you were an alicorn. Now that you are...?" Her eating habits were not very ladylike, but soldiers weren't exactly well-known for their manners.

I took a bite out of my waffle, chewed thoughtfully, and then answered, "No clue. I suppose I'll have to do some experimentation to find out."

While Lady looked annoyed, Sparkling Sunset said, with a slight giggle, "I'm not surprised to hear that. Gaining the powers of an alicorn does not come with instantaneous mastery of your gifts. My teacher, Clover the Clever, told me a few stories about the days when Princess Celestia and Princess Luna first ascended. The sun and moon didn't... collide back then, thank goodness, but there were a few near misses before they got everything down pat."

Near misses. Right. The sun and moon nearly collided multiple times, and it was nothing more than an amusing anecdote to these people. Magic Pony Land laughs in the face of my Earth physics, then gut punches them, steals their lunch money, and uses that money to buy sexual favors from my Earth physics' mother.

"One thing I think I'm able to do, though," I admitted after some thought, "is that I'm able to steal the powers of the fiends after I defeat them." I could still feel Arabus power, like a slightly static-like feeling, but beneath my skin instead of over it...

Lady nodded and said, "We'd figured that out. We were watching the fight through that... projection the archon had brought up. That lightning bolt was... impressive." She concluded that sentence a bit grudgingly, as if not wanting to compliment me, but unable to avoid doing so.

"The fiends, like alicorns, represent certain elemental powers," Sunset stated, as if quoting a text. "Once defeated, those powers have to go somewhere, so I suppose it makes sense that they'd go to the one who defeated them."

Hesitantly, I stated, "Discord... popped in for a brief visit, and he mentioned something like that."

"That's impossible," Ladyhawke stated, flatly. "I'd think we'd have remembered something like that, even if we were all a bit... distracted."

"He's not lying," Acorn inserted, flatly, still standing to one side and watching us all eat. "He immobilized the rest of you, had a brief discussion with His Majesty, and then left." She scanned the room, and added, "Or at least, it looks as though he left. With someone like Discord, it can be hard to tell when he might be around..."

The other mares at the table gave both Acorn and I a surprised look. I admit, I was somewhat startled as well: She'd seen that? How... wait. Discord probably hadn't frozen her because he hadn't noticed her. Apparently, she was just that stealthy.

Swallowing nervously, Sunset said, "So he is free..."

Ladyhawke exclaimed, "But that doesn't make sense! If he's loose, why isn't he turning Equestria upside down as we speak?"

"That's kinda already happened," I mentioned, remembering the sun and moon outside. If Discord's goal in life was to plunge Equestria into chaos, then congratulations, mission complete, a winner is you.

"And that is exactly the problem," Discord said, appearing right next to me again, this time in a bathrobe and sipping from his coffee cup again. Or maybe he had always been there, and simply had turned invisible until now. With a being of Discord's power, there was no telling what he might do at any given time...

Still, my surprise hadn't dulled my wits any. While the others gawked, startled by Discord's sudden return, I stated, "You're not out there, doing anything, because in an Equestria like the one we have today, hardly anyone would notice anything amiss."

The master of chaos nodded, then pulled out a fork, grabbed a waffle, and started chewing on it, taking a moment to enjoy them. "Precisely. I need someplace peaceful, orderly... harmonious, if I want to have any sort of fun. A master of my caliber can hardly be expected to work with something like this: It would be like asking an artist to paint on a soiled canvas."

Sunset, surprised, asked, "So... you actually want Equestria to return back to normal?" She shook her head, and said, "I don't believe it. The fiends are doing exactly what you've always wanted to do..."

She was silenced when Discord snapped his fingers, causing a zipper to appear on her mouth and sealing it tight. "Don't lump me with those... posers," Discord stated, suddenly wearing what I could only call a hipster's outfit, complete with glasses, "I was into chaos long before it went mainstream. Any fool with enough power can cause random destruction. I've never had to stoop to such... uncouth methods."

'Sombra?'

*On it.*

My horn began to glow, and the zipper was removed from Sunset's lips. I turned to Discord, and said, as politely as I could, "I'll kindly ask you to refrain from treating my subjects that way."

Discord gave me a long look, and then chuckled, and said, "Oh, fine, I'll play nice, but only because you're so... polite. The truth is, you actually impressed me yesterday. Most ponies, when faced with a problem, use conventional tactics. That's why, when the fiends broke out, Commander Hurricane and his army of ponies were so easily defeated: Unconventional enemies demand unconventional strategies."

Ladyhawke, flushed with anger, gave Discord a look fit to set his beard on fire, but said nothing. I think mentioning Commander Hurricane might have been a sore spot for her, although I wasn't certain why. Hero worship, maybe?

Discord gave me a knowing look, and added, "And I think we both know that you're in no way a conventional pony."

'I think he knows our secret.'

*I think so, too.*

+Me three.+

That last one was definitely Discord's voice.

+Oh, don't worry. I won't blab your little secret to your subjects just yet. But in exchange, I'll require a favor.+

'What kind of favor?'

+What fun would it be if I told you now? But don't worry, it won't be anything you'll object to. I just want you to know that one day, sooner or later, I will call that favor in.+

'...Fine.'

Discord took another bite from his waffle, and said, "I noticed that you're all heading towards the Crystal Empire. That's not a bad idea, all things considered, but I thought I should warn you that you'll probably not like what you see there."

Ladyhawke gulped, and asked, "What happened?"

Discord shrugged, then said, "Lavan and King Charlatan went there, and took over. The citizens tried to put up a fight, but the two fiends had some sort of artifact, something that Grogar gave them. I'm not certain what it is, but I do know that the ponies are now praising the fiends as enthusiastically as they had once praised the princesses. But I think that, in exchange for that little doodad, Grogar demanded something in return. The fiends drilled a hole underneath the city, and when they'd hit whatever it was they were looking for, Lavan filled the hole with molten magma, and Charlatan then froze it back into solid rock. Since then, the fiends have been ruling the city unopposed, although I don't think the two are getting along very well."

*...They... they were after my people. They took over the Crystal Empire because Grogar wanted them to destroy the Umbrum!*

+Not destroy, no. If the Umbrum could be destroyed, they would have been well before now, given the sorts of things they'd done in the past. Umbrum are, in their truest form, beings of shadow. While light might banish a shadow, nothing can truly destroy it. With the way the world is going, the seal on the Umbrum was likely to come undone at any time, and there was no longer enough love or hope in the world to force them back into their prison. So, to ensure that they wouldn't break loose, Grogar sent those two to reinforce their bindings of hope and love with something a bit more substantial.+

'But why?'

+One Umbrum, if you'll recall, could effortlessly slay a lesser princess and enslave a city. Beneath the Crystal Empire, there are thousands more. Even I don't know their exact numbers. Grogar is the most powerful of the fiends, but even he can't stand up to those kinds of odds, so...+

'He used the Dwarf Fortress Sealing Technique.'

+What?+

*What?*

'Ah, back home, there's a game called Dwarf Fortress that is still in development. In the early builds of the game, it was possible to dig too deep and unleash the 'Happy Fun Stuff' from the 'Ultimate Clown Car', and have your little dwarf mine flooded with a problem that mundane methods simply could not stop. Someone figured out that if you flooded the tunnels with magma, then used water to turn the magma into obsidian, it would resolve the problem with minimal difficulty, after which, they'd send in artisans to make statues out of the conquered menace.'

*Your people are incredibly strange and frightening, you know that, right?*

+And yet also incredibly amusing.+

I cleared my throat, and said, "So, our first step is clear: We need to go to the Crystal Empire, and defeat the two fiends there. After that, we'll resupply, recruit whatever assistance we can find, and we'll move out and start taking down the fiends, one by one." Mentally, I added, and if losing your virginity doesn't cause my demise, I'll find as many stallions as I can, so I'll stop getting looks like I'm the last piece of prime rib in the dog pound. I looked at Ladyhawke and Sparkling Sunset, and asked, "Any objections?"

Sunset nodded and said, "That was more or less what we had in mind, yes. The Crystal Empire is the closest city we can reach, so it made the best starting point for our campaign to retake Equestria. Still, it's worrying to know that Grogar is behind those two invading the Crystal Empire. We'd thought, until now, that he'd gone into hiding after Diretusk betrayed him. I can't help but wonder what else he may be up to..."

Lady, on the other hoof, just gave me a flat stare, and said, "You promised you wouldn't hurt anypony inside the city. You'd better keep that promise."

*Actually, her words were 'I want your word that you won't harm a single soul inside of the Crystal Empire, nor will you try to conquer the city like you did last time.' That includes the fiends, I think.*

'That might... complicate things, somewhat.'

*You think?*

+I'll say.+

Interlude: Today I Direct My Energies Toward Positive Goals

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My name is Aphelion, and I used to have a pretty good life.

I'm a unicorn stallion, and I was, at least for a while, very happy. I had a best friend, as well as a mare who, when we both came of age, I'd intended to make my bride, and a talent for magic that made many envious. Since my cutie mark was of a ringed planet on a starry background, there were many who whispered that I might be my generation's Starswirl the Bearded. They may have been right, had things gone a little differently.

If only I had not been abducted, and spirited away to a foreign land by a centaur who coveted my magic...

No, it was not Lord Tirek, although I don't blame you for assuming it to be so. My abductor's name was Sendak the Elder, a wizard, a hermit, and an outlaw amongst his own kind. He had abducted me, and intended to use me as a renewable source for his own slowly diminishing magic. Had things happened differently, I might still have been locked in a cage, in a land far from my home, weak, miserable, and filled with despair.

However, Sendak had a student, an apprentice, a protege. Yes, that was Lord Tirek. And it was because of his student's blunder that I am free. Tirek craved power, and when Sendak revealed my existence to his student, the young centaur decided to make my power his own.

However, both Sendak and Tirek had underestimated my own strength. Tirek had attempted to drain my magic using a spell he barely understood. Sendak, when he had captured me, had used a potion to render me weak and unable to resist. However, he had not counted on my hearty constitution, and I had quickly built up a resistance to the foul stuff. Tirek, not knowing how best to cast the spell, and not knowing he'd need to drug me or restrain me to prevent me from resisting, quickly found himself no match for me. He was young, and stronger in some ways than Sendak, but I was younger, and stronger. I escaped, fled the cave, and was discovered by the local authorities.

I soon met the king and queen of the land, who were full of apologies, and promises that justice would be done. I, personally, just wanted to go home, and the king personally escorted me back to Equestria. I will not say that we became friends along the way. The differences between him and I were far too great, not in species, but in station: He was a king, and I, while a powerful magician in my own right, was still a common born citizen of a distant land. What I will say is that I came to respect him, and he, I think, thought well of me. Take from that what you will. The trip home was lengthy, but uneventful, and after a brief audience with the princesses, I returned home.

And discovered that, in just a few short moons, the life I'd once had was no more.

I had been gone for nearly half a year. Everypony had thought that I had died, eaten by some manner of ravenous beast. My kidnapper had, after capturing me, taken steps to make it seem so, in order to prevent anypony from questioning my disappearance. The mare I'd thought to make my bride had, after learning of my 'death', been overcome with sorrow. My best friend had comforted her, and within three moons, the two had fallen in love, and were making plans to wed when they both came of age. I don't blame them for that, nor am I bitter: Had I truly died, that is exactly what I would have wanted. My anger lies solely with Sendak, who had abducted me, and a little with Tirek as well, who saw me as nothing but a means of gaining greater power.

What broke my heart, however, was the fact that my mother, who had been in poor health for many years, had passed away during my absence, her condition having potentially worsened due to my disappearance. With my father having passed on years before, it meant that the assets of my family had, with no legal heir remaining, passed on to the state. The property of both my family, and myself, things that had been in our family for generations, had been auctioned off to charity, and there was little that could be done to get them back, even if I had possessed the wealth to do so. The house I'd grown up in had been turned into an orphanage. I was now a stallion with nothing left to his name.

I was fourteen years old, and I had nothing, not even a roof over my head.

I did what many ponies do when they hit rock bottom: I took to the road. I traveled with caravans as an armspony, using my magical strength to aid in protecting merchants and their wares from bandits, monsters and worse, and was able to see many distant lands. I turned out to be good at it, and my skills were in high demand. Over the course of a decade, I walked the sands of Saddle Arabia, I visited the roosts of Griffinstone, and even butted heads with the minotaurs of Tauria. I learned a great deal about magic in my travels, more than most ponies can even imagine was possible, and earned a sizable nest egg in the process, enough that I could easily have retired at my twenty-third birthday, had I felt a desire to stop. However, I suppose that I grew to enjoy life on the road.

Things changed, however, on my twenty-fifth birthday, when Tirek, along with his brother Scorpan, had attacked Equestria.

I had been attached to the caravan of a Saddle Arabian spice merchant at the time, but when I explained to him what was happening back home, he allowed me to depart without any ill will. He gave me his blessings, and gave me a writ allowing me free passage on his fastest ship.

As we cut across the waters as fast as a falcon or a pegasus could fly, I thought to myself that now I might have a purpose: I had fought Tirek once, and won, in spite of being weakened, malnourished, and shaking off the effects of a sleeping potion. He might be stronger than he once was, but I was certain that I was stronger still. I would return home, strike the brute down, and be hailed as a hero. That, I believed, had to be the reason why I had lost everything: So that I would have spent the last ten years and more honing my skills for the sole purpose of striking Tirek down when he came to my homeland. The unicorn that he had once tried to use as a power source would wipe that brute off the face of the world, once and for all.

Alas, it was not to be. The princesses had already defeated Tirek by the time I had arrived, and the brute had been locked away in Tartarus. Normally, his punishment would have been far more severe, but Scorpan, who had turned against his brother and aided in his capture, had asked only that his brother's life be spared. So, in spite of not being a fiend in the truest sense, and in spite of being only a greedy, irredeemable monster whose demise would make the world a better place, Tirek was simply imprisoned, rather than his head used to adorn the gates of Canterlot as a warning to those who might emulate him.

Again, I was left without a purpose, and I considered going back to the caravans. But then Lady Luck lent me a helping hoof. In a roadside tavern, I met both Scorpan and Starswirl the Bearded himself, who were traveling to Scorpan's homeland. While the two of them were powerful in their own right, they could use an armspony and a guide who knew the way: Scorpan had mostly followed Tirek to Equestria, and did not know the way well enough on his own to trust himself as a guide. Since I knew the way to Scorpan's homeland well enough, having traveled back to that place a couple of times during my marches with the trade caravans, the two were willing to have me along.

I learned a great deal from Starswirl, and he was impressed, I think, to meet a pony so young, yet so well travelled, so learned, and so willing to learn more. I stayed on with Starswirl for two years, long enough to learn all that he could teach me, and long enough to be by his side at his death bed. I think it gave him comfort, having a fellow Equestrian by his side in a foreign land. His last request was that I inform his former student, Clover the Clever, of his death. Intent on honoring that request, I bid farewell to Scorpan and his homeland, and journeyed back home.

Halfway back, the sun and moon collided.

By the time that I had returned, Equestria was in chaos: The fiends were loose, and all of them, plus Tirek, were running rampant, bringing chaos and destruction wherever they went. I had missed Commander Hurricane's final battle, and by the time I had set hoof again on Equestrian soil, Diretusk and his legions were already here, subjugating fiends.

I know my limits: I cannot stop fiends on the level of Arabus and his ilk, and while I might be able to stand against Diretusk in a fair fight, the boarc is unlikely to oblige me. However, I can do one thing. I studied Sendak's notes while I was at Starswirl's side, curious about whether there might be a method of blocking the spell he'd used to drain my power, should I ever encounter its like again. I know a great deal about Tirek's magic draining spell now, more than I suspect he knows himself. He will not be able to drain my magic as he had so many others, so unlike any other unicorn who still draws breath, I can face him without falling instantly. It took a good bit of traveling, and a fair bit of coin, to learn where Tirek was headed, but I am no stranger to walking, and I have more than enough wealth to spare these days.

The fiends have separated into two camps: One swears allegiance to Grogar, and are gathering strength in order to stand against Diretusk in a final battle that will likely sound Equestria's death knell, one way or the other. The other fiends are forced to swear loyalty to Diretusk, and are likewise girding themselves for that final confrontation. Tirek, meanwhile, not willing to call either tyrant his master, was last seen two weeks ago, heading towards the Crystal Empire, no doubt hoping that he will gain enough strength there to be able to defeat both sides. He will serve no tyrant, save himself.

I am, even now, navigating the harsh winter snows that would normally bar the way to all save a beast of Tirek's size and strength. However, I have braved worse passes, in worse weather, and even now, I can see Tirek's tracks clearly in the snow. He cannot be far, perhaps only a little bit ahead of me. I will run that brute down, and then...

...Then I will do what Celestia and Luna should have done years ago.

Interlude: Today All Possibilities Are Illuminated

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When I was born, I committed three terrible injustices against my father.

The first was that my birth caused my mother's death. She was of a weak constitution, and she knew that giving birth could easily be the end of her. She accepted that possibility, and went through with the pregnancy. Had the birth been an easier one, she might, potentially, have survived, but as with so much of my life, I ended up taking the hardest route, and my birthing was incredibly difficult. I was born hale and healthy, and the last thing my mother saw was me before she had passed.

The second was the fact that I was born a mare, rather than a stallion. My father is, or rather was, a proud knight of Equestria, seventh of his line to hold a title passed from father to son. My birth brought an end to that proud tradition. My father was heartbroken by my mother's passing, and swore he would never love another mare. He kept that vow to the end.

The third is that, instead of some petite, dainty, beautiful creature like my mother, I was born with a tall, powerful physique. I am not fat, or clumsy, or unsightly, no. I am not vain, but I have studied myself in the mirror many times growing up, and I will admit, my face is without flaw, my muscles are both firm and supple, I lack even a trace of fat upon my body, and in terms of grace, I could make a ballet dancer, an acrobat, or a gymnast turn green with envy. However, I am also taller than almost any stallion I have ever met. So tall, in fact, that I have been asked, more than once, to reveal my forehead, to assure others that I was not secretly an alicorn. My shoulders are in perfect proportion to my body, yet are wider than any stallion's I have ever laid eyes on. My intimidating physique has made it so that, even at an age of twenty-four, an age when most mares would have dropped three or more foals, I remain a virgin, so there is every possibility that my family line may end with me.

My name is Storm Cloud, currently the last of the Storm line. I am a pegasus with a lustrous black coat, a long, blonde mane, and bright yellow eyes. My mark is, naturally, a storm cloud, with three lightning bolts shooting down from it. I was among the first ten to join Sparkling Sunset in her quest to gather the one hundred and eight. And today... I am torn.

My father was not a harsh pony to me. In truth, he was very kind. When I expressed an interest in the knightly arts, rather than more... maidenly pursuits, he did not oppose me. Rather, he hired tutors from across Equestria to teach me how to fight, how to use weapons, and even how to fly in heavy armor, although in my case, my heavy is most other ponies' 'impossible'. At my eighteenth year, I could out-fly, out-fight, and out-maneuver any one of my tutors, or all of them at once if need be. I asked, when I came of age, for my father's endorsement into the ranks of knighthood. I had dreams of being the first mare to earn such a title, so that my father's name, and our knightly traditions, could live on. My father endorsed me wholeheartedly.

And I was immediately shot down when I applied for a position in one of the knightly orders. And the next, and the next. I applied to every order of knighthood, and none would accept me. All of them refused me, from the greatest to the smallest. Some of them were polite enough to allow me to hear the reason why from their own lips. Others just sent a letter telling me to not even bother showing up. Regardless of their courtesy or rudeness, the answer was always the same.

You're a mare. Mares cannot be knights. End of story.

When I had exhausted every possible option, my father and I decided on a desperate plan: I would enter the royal tourney the next year, in my father's armor, and compete. I would enter every contest, and with my skill in the knightly arts, I would win, and win, and win again. Then, when I was given all of the available awards for my merit by the princesses themselves, I would whip off my helm, announce my name and gender to all the world, and show all of them that, regardless of being a mare, I was more a knight than any ten stallions ever born. If they would deny me then, they would have to explain to the princesses why a mare better than any competitor on the field was unworthy of being a knight. I sincerely doubted that they could come up with a reason for my further exclusion that would not gravely offend the two great mares who rule Equestria.

However, before that plan could come to fruition, Celestia and Luna died. The proud knights of Equestria rode out with Commander Hurricane to face the fiends, and were annihilated. The knightly orders were beaten, broken, and what was left of them was scattered to the four winds. There are no more knights in Equestria. And thus, my first great dream was thwarted: I would never be able to become a knight.

My father, being a knight, naturally rode off with his brothers in arms. He was on the vanguard, the first to charge the fiends' ranks. I wish I could tell you that he died nobly, that he had at least managed to score a single blow against his foes. Instead, he was snatched out of the air by the Raptorians, who first pulled out his pinions, the vital flight feathers of a pegasai's wings, then dragged him so high up that survival would be impossible if he dropped. And then... one grabbed his shoulders, the other two grabbed one hind leg each, and they pulled in opposite directions. My father's screams, it is said, were heard for miles as, while giggling with manic glee, the Raptorians slowly ripped him in half. Not because his shrieks would unnerve the Equestrian forces, although I am certain they did. The Raptorians only did it because they thought it would be funny. Within the first minute of that battle, my father was crippled, mortally wounded, and stripped of any hope for a dignified death worthy of a knight of his valor and lineage. At the end of the sixth minute, and the battle's closure, his bleeding, broken, still-shrieking body was dropped on the fleeing forces. The force of his impact, combined with the damage already done, ensured that there would not be enough left intact of his remains to allow any manner of dignified burial, even if his body could have been retrieved...

I know my limits: The Raptorians are monsters, beasts stronger and more ferocious than any pony, or even any ten ponies put together. Even on my best day, and their worst, I could never face them and hope to win. Thus, my second great dream is also impossible: I cannot avenge my father's death.

And today, I have a third great dream, another impossible one, although I am embarrassed to admit it.

While no stallion has ever approached me with romantic intent, I have yet to find a stallion who could measure up to my father, or could stir any longing within my heart. Perhaps it is only hero worship, but I have never met a stallion who could match my father in strength, intellect, or courage. My father was a paragon of knighthood, and my ancestors were likewise great stallions. How could I ever dilute my proud bloodline with anything less than a stallion who was a paragon amongst paragons?

And yet, with my father gone, and with my contribution to the raising of King Sombra having been completed, I will need to produce an heir, if for no other reason than because, if I should fall in the days to come, either in battle, to illness, or just a random accident, there has to be somepony who can carry on the family name.

And now, this morning, I have found that stallion.

King Sombra, this very morning, has ascended to alicorndom, having proven himself a stallion worthy of the vast power of the stars. He was courageous enough to fight a fiend in one-on-one combat, clever enough to devise a plan that allowed him to achieve victory, and strong enough to pull a star from the heavens and make it one with himself. If ever there was a stallion worthy of sharing my bloodline, it is him.

It is funny, it took that accidental glamor of his to make me see it, but even now that it is gone, I cannot imagine of a better stallion to father my foals. The fact that, even without that glamor, he is handsome enough to make parts of myself I had never truly acknowledged before tremble with need for him, is only icing on the cake. I want him. I want him now and every day and night from today 'til the end of time...

And yet, how could he ever choose me over any of the mares here? Why would he choose a tall weed when he has veritable bouquet of roses to choose from?

"What's got you down, Cloudy?"

I looked to my right, and saw my friend, Babbling Brook, cheerfully munching upon her breakfast. An earth pony with a bright blue and often unruly mane, and a brownish coat, her bright blue eyes gazed at me in curiosity. Almost every mare here avoided me, due to my intimidating stature. Brook, on the other hoof, sought me out the first day she joined our ranks, and we've been inseperabe ever since. I am a mare of few words. Brook babbles almost constantly. However, if one were to assume that, just because she likes to talk, there's anything other than brains between those two ears of hers, they would be sorely mistaken: She's intensely observant, deviously clever, and has a near photographic memory.

She also alternates her nicknames for me: She calls me Stormy when I'm angry or upset, or Cloudy when I'm down. The fact that she has never once called me the wrong nickname, in spite of my usually stoic expression, speaks volumes in regards to just how observant she is.

I sighed, and I said, "King Sombra has offered each of us a favor in exchange for our role in reviving him. But only one, and if we wish for more, then we must work hard to earn his favor once again." I put my head in my hooves, and I admitted, "I am torn between three desires. I wish to become a knight. I wish to be the one who slays the Raptorians. And I wish..." Against my will, my eyes momentarily darted over to where the king was dining with Discord, Sparkling Sunset, Ladyhawke, and the fluffy one.

Brook, as observant as ever, caught it, and asked, "Oh, so you want a piece of that action?" She giggled, and said, "Get in line."

With a truly despondent sigh, I admitted, "That's the problem: I'd be the last in that line, if I was even allowed to take part in it. Sombra has more than enough fair maidens to warm his bed, and could have half the mares here with just a wink and a gesture towards the general direction of the royal bedchambers, or just a semi-private alcove, given how he looks now. Meanwhile, I'm a freakish brute of a mare: I'm as tall as he is, and almost as broad, and I know nothing of... well, I'm not the most feminine of mares..."

"So you're afraid that you'll be overlooked?" The earth pony giggled and said, "That would be a first, wouldn't it?"

In spite of myself, I laughed as well. It would be a first: I usually stand out in a crowd. All my life, I had never truly wished that I was some fair flower of a mare, even if it would have made some things in my life easier. I had, for the most part, been content with what I was. And yet now, my heart and... other parts were being flooded with unfamiliar feelings, feelings that I could never have returned because of what I was...

"I have a solution," Brook proclaimed, then whipped a sheet of paper, a quill, and an ink pot from her mane. I often wondered just how much she had stored in that wild, unruly tangle, but after seeing some of the things that she had withdrawn, I knew that she had to have neck muscles to rival my own. She quickly scribbled down a note, passed it to me, and said, "You just need to have him agree to everything on this slip of paper."

I read the note quickly.

Item 1: I want to be a knight. Not a fake kind of knight in title only, but a real, honest to goodness knight in shining armor that goes out and defends the weak and undoes the wicked.
Item 2: I want to avenge my father's death. I want to personally be the one who slays all three of the Raptorians. I will not settle for vengeance by proxy, I want all three of them dead, and I want to be the one who does the deed. My honor demands nothing less.
Item 3: I want King Sombra to take my virginity and impregnate me. And I want him to keep impregnating me as many times as I want or need to be. Seriously, I'm twenty-four, still a virgin, and I NEEEEEEEED IT!!! Please! Plow me like a cornfield! Pound me like a tent peg!! Impale me with your mighty spear!!! MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO ME!!! ALL!!! NIGHT!!!! LONG!!!!!!

I was blushing bright red at the last one. Had any other mare written that and told me to take to King Sombra, then I would have been furious beyond words, but Brook was my best friend. My only friend, really. I knew it was partly in fun, and I did love her sense of humor dearly. I hesitated, and then took the note. I hated how desperate it sounded, but I will admit that, joke or not, it was the honest truth...

Today I Reach Out To Others

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I hate being the bearer of bad news. Seriously, I do. It started back when I lost my dad. He died when I was about six or seven. I didn't learn how until years later, but the long and short of it was, my father had broken his own rule about gambling, and wagered more than he could afford to lose... and did so over and over again, each time digging himself deeper and deeper into debt. Once he'd succeeded in putting himself deep enough into the hole that there was no way of ever getting out, an... example was made of him. I doubt the... good fellows who did so knew of my existence, or I would have been used as the example instead. Regardless, my father was killed, his internal organs were, according to the suspicions of the investigating officers, sold on the black market, and his remains dumped where they'd be easy to find. No Jimmy Hoffa treatment for him, they wanted everyone to know what happened to my dad. My mother, bless her soul, had died not long after I was born, so that meant that I was on my own.

So, I ended up getting the news from some poor bastard who, I could tell, would have gladly payed money, hell, would have sold himself into indentured servitude, if it meant he didn't have to tell a little boy that daddy was never coming back. The pain, writ large upon his face as he struggled to work his way through that horrible little explanation, struck me hard, harder than my father's death, and I swore I'd do all I could to avoid having to give news like that if I could.

So you can imagine how much I hated having to explain why I couldn't just go into the Crystal Empire and kill the fiends...

"So you mean to tell me," Ladyhawke began, disbelief written plain upon her face, "that just because of how I worded that promise, you won't be able to fight the fiends?"

"Technically," I said, "I can't kill the fiends inside of the Crystal Empire. If they took even one step outside, I could take them, but as long as they're inside of the city, I can't touch them and still keep that promise."

Ladyhawke thought about that for a moment, and then asked, "Does it really matter? I mean, it was just a verbal agreement. I can just say that I changed my mind, and you wouldn't..." She paused, realized that taking it back completely would mean I had free rein to do whatever I pleased in her home town, and said, "Or maybe just say that the fiends are the exception."

Discord, watching this with amusement, said, "I'm sorry to say it doesn't work that way." At the surprised looks he received from the assembled mares, he chuckled, then said, "I've been around for eons: I may not make use of blood magic, but I know more about it than most of you ever will." Pulling out a chalkboard and a piece of chalk from nowhere, the master of chaos said, "Let me break it down to you."

Discord drew a crude drawing of myself, and then drew several ponies similar to the mares at the table, and then drew a line connecting me to each of the others. "When you revived our dear King Sombra here, a contract or sorts was created, linking all of you to him. Oh, it wasn't the kind that was written or anything like that, but a sort of... debt was incurred, and payment would, sooner or later, be required. However, how that debt was paid was up to you and your recently resurrected ruler."

The drawings of ponies began moving about, and Discord continued as the pony pictures seemed to engage in conversation. "Here's where things get a little tricky: Once the payment for that debt is decided upon, it can't be changed. End. Of. Story. However, once that debt is paid, then while that connection remains between you and the king, there's no actual requirement that he has to meet. In the meantime, Sombra can do anything he wants or needs to do, and as long as he keeps his promises, nothing will happen."

One of the 'mares' and I climbed onto a four poster bed, complete with obscuring bed-curtains, and after a few seconds, the bed began rocking back and forth. "Even if one of you should lose your virginity at this point in time, it won't have any ill effects, even if our golden boy here is the one you give it to." Mares all across the room blushed bright red, and I admit, I might have blushed a bit, myself.

"However..."

The picture reset to the way it had looked at the start. One of the 'mares' dropped dead in a cutesy, cartoony sort of way, and suddenly, so did 'I'. The picture reset, and a mare seemed to ask a question, and 'I' gave a seemingly negative response, and 'I' promptly died. The picture reset one final time, and it showed 'me' ignoring all of the mares as a calendar began dropping pages. After what looked like a year had passed, 'I' dropped dead.

Discord, suddenly very serious, said, "If one of you dies before that debt is repaid, then Sombra dies. If Sombra does not keep up his end of whatever promise he makes to you, then he dies. And if he goes for one year without having repaid all of his debts, then he dies..."

And then suddenly, all of the other mares dropped dead as well.

"...and if Sombra dies before all of his debts are repaid, then every mare who took part in his revival will die with him."

Well... fuck. Maybe there's a reason why resurrections are the exception, not the rule. Ladyhawke gave Sparkling Sunset a long look, while the unicorn's expression simply proclaimed, louder than words, 'I swear, I had no idea!' Well, at least we were all in the same boat... even if it was a leaky little bastard.

"The good news is that, if he is using the power to keep his promise, our boy will be able to make use of the energy equivalent of one drop of virgin's blood to keep his end of the bargain, and if the one he's keeping that promise to is no longer a virgin, that energy 'debt' is pulled from the remaining mares that are. As you already know, that is a great deal of energy. Enough, for example, to turn a doll into a living, breathing mare."

I looked over to another table, where Rosy Sunrise was sitting in Miss Bubbles' lap, and getting fed pancakes by the one-time doll. Miss Bubbles noticed me and gave a cheerful wave. I waved back, and then turned my attention back to Discord. "So, basically, 'Be careful what you wish for, because you might just get exactly what you wished for?'"

Grinning, Discord said, "Precisely. Ah, and to add one more wrinkle, you have a minor problem that, if not resolved soon, may become a very... serious." He cleared his throat, and said, "Arabus' power. You can't hold it forever, Sombra."

I raised an eyebrow, and asked, "Why's that?"

Discord sighed, then said, "If it were possible for any being to hold all of the great powers forever, then someone exceptionally greedy would have just gone on a killing spree, took all of the great powers into himself, and become an absolute ruler of the world by now. You can hold the power, for now, but you'll have to pass that power on to someone else sooner or later, or the two powers inside of you will come into conflict. Before long, the friction between the two forces will become unbearably painful, and not long after that...pop goes the pony. So, taking the power for a little while is fine, but you'll have to find someone else to take it from you. I'd say... three days at most before it starts getting unpleasant. After that, you'll have a day at most before the end. And that will hold true for every one of the true fiends that you defeat."

Fair enough. I suppose that made a certain amount of sense. I couldn't help but wonder, though, if the ones who held the power of the sun and moon were dead, then where were those powers now?

Something I'd need to look into later, if I wanted to have any hopes of fixing the sky...

I cleared my throat, and said, "Alright, first off, all wishes will need to be ha... hoof-written, and I will need to read them thoroughly so that I can be certain that I can uphold both the letter and the spirit of the request. And second, I'm going to need to find somepony worthy of taking Arabus' power off my ha... hoofs." I was rattled, I admit, enough so that I nearly said hands twice instead of hooves. Suddenly, my life had gotten a whole lot more complicated.

*Well, at least you can get laid now without worrying about dropping dead.*

'Shut up, Sombra.'

The good news was, as a student of computer programming, I had learned a great deal about how to word things properly. Computers, unlike people, are perfectly literal: They do exactly what they're told, not what you think you're telling them. If I was going to pull off 106 more promises without accidentally destroying myself via logical paradox, I'd have to be absolutely certain that I did not agree to something that was completely different from what I thought that it was.

"Your... your majesty..."

I turned towards the sound of the voice... and my jaw nearly dropped at the sight of the biggest mare I had ever seen. It wasn't a bigness based on fat, or bulk, but on height, and on well sculpted muscle. How I'd missed seeing her before, I have no idea, honestly. The other ponies in the room were varying degrees of cute, but the mare in front of me could only be called 'stunning'. People have ideas about what an 'amazon' looks like, typically involving a hot chick with a prop sword and a fur bikini, who basically looks like a stripper or a porn star and lacking the muscle to actually lift and use real steel. This mare looked like, if she were human, she'd be tall enough, and strong enough, to use one of those fakers as a melee weapon, and could probably even dual wield!

She was, I quickly determined, built to what was probably ideal mare standards... but at three hundred percent scale, at least. She was, I realized, the first mare I had met who was able to look me in the eyes without looking up...

I'd not realized the size difference between myself and the mares around me until now, or the fact that it had changed significantly in the last twenty-four hours. I'd known I was larger than the ponies around me, but then again, I was a male and a unicorn tyrant wizard to boot: Of course I'd have an imposing stature. Now, however...

It appeared that I was just as gigantic as the 'amazon' in front of me, if a bit broader in the shoulder.

She looked at me, as if afraid to speak. I wondered if this might be the first time that she'd been afraid of anything in her life, even with all the shit happening in the world today. After an uncomfortable moment, I asked, "Yes?"

She lifted up, with one hoof, and I saw a slip of paper in her grasp. She began to speak. "My name is Storm Cloud, your majesty, and I..."

My right hoof shot forward, and gently pressed her lips shut. Taking the paper with my other hoof, I asked, "Don't speak, just nod. You have on here what you want from me?"

She nodded.

I smiled, and said, "Alright, let me read it, and then we'll talk. Deal?"

She nodded again.

I opened the note, and studied it for a moment, careful to make certain no one else could see what it said. I was fairly certain that Xena, Warrior Princess, over there would have been mortified if I shared what I suspected would be inside. Three items. Heh, she was going to ask me to make everything on that list happen. Clever, trying to get multiple gains from one wish...

Okay, Item One, no biggie. As a king, I could grant a title of knighthood, I was certain, and she certainly had the build to prove herself capable of doing what the job entailed.

Item Two, wanting to avenge her father's death? There might be a few bumps, but I thought it was doable. Hell, I was all for these girls taking an active role in taking their country back.

And then there was Item Three.

Okay... I'm going to say this right now, I have an amazing poker face. I had to, in order to be able to pull off the trick I'd done back in Vegas. I can, when necessary, remain perfectly blank at need. Otherwise, super-equation or not, I wouldn't have performed nearly as well as I had. Still, I almost lost my shit upon seeing that one.

Okay, I knew that it was likely to happen: Somepony, sooner or later, was going to want to have my royal babies, and would try to use a 'wish' to do so. I was too handsome now for that not to happen, even if I did have a reputation as a 'bad boy'. Hell, as a king, it was more or less expected that I secure at least one heir to the throne, even if I lived for thousands of years. However, I'd need to figure out a way to stem the tide of eager volunteers for the honor, or I'd have to start beating the mares off with a stick.

I looked the mare over, and thought to myself, 'Well, that's an awfully big stick right there.'

I noted the somewhat... fanciful hoofwriting, and came to an immediate conclusion.

"Somepony wrote this for you?"

She nodded.

"Then we won't go with this," I stated, tearing up the note and then having Sombra use a spell to burn it. Before she objected, I said, "We just had a lesson on how we have to be very careful how wishes are worded and submitted. If I had accepted that, then I'd have to do all of those services for whoever wrote the note, rather than for you. Had she written it with your name as the recipient, then that would have been fine. However, we'll work with what we've got." Giving her an appraising look, I asked, "Turn around in a full circle, please?"

She complied, turning around slowly.

'Well, what do you think, Sombra?'

*You're asking my opinion?*

'I'm not a judge on Equestrian beauty, and folks expect the bride, consort, or concubine of a king to be beautiful. You're a local, tell me what you think of her.'

*...Well, she's very tall, but given that you're alicorn-sized, that just means that she's the same height as you are. She's also very fit, physically, so unlike most of these frail flowers, you're unlikely to break her on accident. And her face...*

'What about it?'

*There are sculptors who would have wept at being given the opportunity to chisel a bust of her. She has both a regal bearing and profile, I won't deny it. She's beautiful, even if she is the second biggest mare I've ever seen.*

'Second?'

*Princess Celestia was a couple of inches taller, but not as... chiseled. Her majesty's love for cakes was well known, and was obvious to all, given the width of her hindquarters.*

'And she was an alicorn?'

*Yes, of course she was, dimwit.*

'Hmph. One of these days, you're going to call me Ambrose, you know that, right?'

*If I do, it will be because you've earned it.*

I gave a smile, and said, "I think that, if we put our heads together, we can work out a written arrangement that will match your... intent in a satisfactory manner." I looked over at the others at the table, and said, "We'll need to continue our conversation later. The young lady and I need to hammer out a proper contract, and it's a rather... private wish."

The others took the hint, and stood, nodded, and moved to another table. Sombra cast a spell, summoning a sheet of paper, an ink pot, and a quill. I promptly began writing.

I had an idea forming in my head. It was a little tricky, but I was almost certain that it would work out favorably for everyone. If I worded it right, she'd get her knighthood, her shot at vengeance, and her chance at that sweet, sweet loving that it was clear she was wanting. Plus, there would be an escape clause that would, if something went wrong, would keep her failure from killing us all. Not that I thought that she'd fail, mind you, but as a king, I had to be absolutely certain that I remained alive now, for the sake of my subjects. If I went down, I'd drag every one of them, mare and filly, down with me.

I forget the exact verbiage, but the original contract has been preserved and can be viewed in the Royal Archives. The gist of it is that she would be granted the title of knight of the realm, as well as founder and knight-commander of her order. Upon accepting her title, she would be granted the powers that I had taken from Arabus, and she would be honor-bound to accept a quest, that being to hunt down and slay the Raptorians, or die in the attempt. If she succeeded, then she would return, and be granted the title of Royal Consort. Basically, if she killed the Raptorians, I'd marry her, and she'd get all the nookie she wanted, whenever we felt the need, or desire, to do so. If she died, though, the contract was void: I did my part by giving her the strength to exact her vengeance, and the opportunity, the rest fell on her shoulders alone.

Yes, yes, I know, not terribly romantic, but let's get down to brass tacks: She'd basically just handed me a note a couple of minutes ago that said, 'Take me, hot stuff, I'm all yours.' Not terribly romantic on her part, either, you have to admit. She was offering, all I was doing was accepting, and making sure that no one would, in the future, accuse me of fathering any bastard children.

Anyways, one drop of blood, according to King Sombra, could form an unbreakable magical contract. Thus, not only would her wishes be granted, but the energy surplus that would normally occur (The kind that had converted a doll to a flesh and blood pony with my previous act of good will) would go solely to the enforcement of the contract, instead of shooting all over the damned place and doing who the fuck knew what. I honestly worried that, if the energy was not properly dispersed and I started getting into it with a mare, then it might end up with me imitating that bit from Heaven's Lost Property, and I'd end up shooting lasers from my... well, no need to be quite that profane, I suppose.

*You know this means that you can't back out of... doing the deed, right?*

Ah yes, the crux of the dilemma: Two legs good, four legs bad. Well, like I said before, this was my new normal. I wasn't likely to be going back home, so if I was ever going to raise a family of my own, I'd have to 'go native'.

I wasn't quite ready for it yet, but since I doubted she was going to be slaying the Raptorians in the next five minutes, I had time to acclimate myself to the idea.

'True. However, with me being a married stallion, and with a bride of her... stature, no less, it will dissuade all but the most persistant admirers from wishing for a taste of King Sombra's Delicious Sausage. So, I'll just have to deal with one desperately horny mare, instead of dozens.'

*Heh. True. You will need to find more stallions soon, though.*

'That is definitely on the agenda.'

I pointed to the completed contract, and said to Storm Cloud, "Please read this, and confirm that it meets with your approval."

Storm nodded, studied the contract, and after a moment, she turned back, and nodded. "I approve, your majesty." She was definitely blushing. I admit, even if she did look a bit like She-Hulk in pony form, she was cute when she blushed.

I turned towards the other mares around the room, and said, in my best 'royal proclamation' voice, "Hear me now! With the signature of this contract, I do hereby declare that a new order of knights will be formed! Storm Cloud, the mare beside me, shall be the founder, knight-commander, and first member of her order. She will, upon signature of this contract, be granted the power I took from Arabus, and tasked with hunting down the three fiends known collectively as the Raptorians. Upon her triumphant return, she and I will be wed." I paused, giving that a chance to sink in, as well as the ramifications. In short, I was saying that I was going to wed a mare who was going to kill fiends. Not one, but three of them in one go. So, if you thought you were better qualified to be the king's bride, you'd better do something pretty impressive. No, you'd better go out and do something fucking spectacular!

I passed Storm Cloud the quill, the tip wet with ink, and said, "You may sign when you're ready."

To her credit, she didn't hesitate.

When she finished signing, I was prepared to ask Sombra for how to perform the transfer, but as it turned out, the contract she had just put quill and ink to, now being magical in nature, took things into its own hands. The static-like feeling beneath my skin faded, and suddenly, Storm Cloud was wreathed in blinding light. For a moment, my sight was robbed from me. When it returned...

Well, Discord did say that fiends and alicorns were similar to one another...

Looking up at the horn that was now sitting atop her head, Storm Cloud nervously asked, "I'm... not any taller, am I?" I could tell, just by the tone of her voice, that she couldn't bear the thought of being any more... statuesque than she already was.

"You might be an inch shorter," I said immediately. Well, she might have been, I don't know. I didn't take the time to measure her.

That did seem to lighten her mood. She took a deep breath, and then turned to me, and said, "Knight Commander Storm Cloud, reporting for duty, your majesty." She paused, then added, "An order needs a name, your majesty, and it typically falls to royalty to give that name."

I nodded. I had half-hoped that she would volunteer one, but I had an idea in mind. It was a simple name, but with proper presentation, I thought it would catch on quickly. I'd heard and read a thousand speeches, in anime, manga, comic books, and fantasy novels. Now was the time to use that knowledge...

I turned to the mares, and said, calmly, "One year ago, the fiends escaped from Tartarus, and while Equestria has done all it can do to try to stem the tide, ponykind has become nothing but prey to them. They ravage our villages, they rob our citizens of everything and everyone they love, and they give us no more thought than a wolf might give the feelings of a rabbit as it leaps for the kill. I say this now, and I say it to all of you gathered here today from the depths of my heart." I looked over the assembled mares, all of them looking at me in expectation. "That. Ends. Now. We will no longer be the weak mice, caught in the claws of the cat. We will no longer be the frightened lambs, fleeing the fangs of the wolves. We will no longer be the tiny bees, fearing the might of the hungry bear. We begin taking back what is ours, and to do that, we will not simply wait for the enemy to come to us. No. We will seek the enemy out, in whatever hole he may retreat to, and bring an end to him. The days when we could just seal our enemies away and pretend they no longer existed are gone. From now on, if something tries to harm Equestria, we will hound that nemesis to the ends of the world and beyond, until we are certain beyond all doubt that they will no longer come after us."

I took a deep breath, and concluded, "Are we the prey? No, from this day forward, we are the Hunters."

I looked over the mares again, and asked, "Are we the prey?"

There was a moment of stunned silence, and then Rosy Sunrise, bless her tiny little heart, shouted with all the force her little lungs could give her, "NO! WE ARE THE HUNTERS!"

Storm Cloud, with an impressively loud voice, the kind you might hear over the din of a battlefield, asked, "ARE WE THE PREY?!"

Many of the mares in the room caught on, and shouted, "NO! WE ARE THE HUNTERS!!!"

Together, Storm Cloud and I asked in near-perfect unison, "ARE WE THE PREY?!"

The answer came full force from every equine throat, loud enough to rattle the silverware.

"NO! WE ARE THE HUNTERS!!!"

The mares began pounding on the tables, chanting "Hun-ters! Hun-ters! Hun-ters!" in unison. It seemed I'd struck a chord with all of them...

Discord gave a slow clap, but said nothing else. I would have thought it sarcastic, but the look on his face expressed genuine admiration.

*Not bad... Ambrose.*

Interlude: Today We Are Kittens. Tomorrow, We Are Tigers.

View Online

The world as I knew it ended one year ago.

My name is Tick Tock. My father was a clockmaker, a stallion who loved precision. The idea of regulating the world into tiny ticks of a clock fascinated him, especially given how random and chaotic the world can be. I suppose that I may have inherited my own love of order, of regulation, from him. That said, it is terribly ironic that we should live in the age we had. We had seen the cruelties and depravity of the fiends. We had seen Discord himself run amok. We had seen terrors that dwarf the imagination... and all of that was before the princesses died, and the fiends, all of them, broke free once again.

I am humble pony. I have reason to be: I'm a mousy little unicorn, I admit, with a brown coat and a chestnut mane, along with hazel eyes, so I am utterly unremarkable, save for a pair of spectacles, a rarity on a pony of common birth, and my cutie mark of two interlocked gears. However, while on the outside, I may be unremarkable, I am proud to say I have a spectacular mind.

Not that I thought such a thing mattered in this day and age.

My father's life ended the day the fiends came to my home town. Well, I call it a town, but it was once one of the grandest cities in Equestria. The city walls were one of the wonders of the modern age, having been one of the first efforts of cooperation between the three races of ponykind: Earth pony architecture made those walls structurally solid in spite of their incredible height and thickness, unicorn magic made it magically invulnerable, and pegasus military discipline made the guards who patrolled it the envy of kingdoms the world over. It was often joked that, when the world ended, the last thing standing would be the walls of Baltimare. We were fools. All of us, myself included.

The ponies of the city of my birth were confident in the security of those walls. Less than five miles away, Commander Hurricane and his army were doing battle with the fiends. Equestrian steel and strength, we believed, might fail in pushing the fiends back, but there was no way that we'd be in any danger...

I was watching, with my father and a great many others, atop those walls, as Commander Hurricane's forces were decimated by the power of the fiends, and as the armies of Equestria were routed, three of the fiends turned their attention to our city, and began to advance upon us.

We weren't afraid, at least not then. Why would we be? We had the walls of Baltimare to protect us: Surely even all of the fiends combined could not harm us here. Tirek, Grogar, and Crunch moved towards us with the slow certainty of the tides, and most of us watched with amusement at their advance.

"Stone, enhanced with sorcery," Grogar noted, as the trio reached the wall. "And if I recall, their soldiers are well trained.

"As if magic could ever stop me," Tirek boasted, and opened his mouth, and we watched, in horror, as the magic that helped make our walls so secure was drained away, and his body began to swell and grow larger. Where before, he was little larger than a tall stallion, within moments, he had grown to colossal size. While not yet taller than the walls, he was now tall enough that he might climb over them with minimal effort.

The Stone Wall, the brave pegasus soldiers who defended us, moved to attack the fiends, and Grogar simply laughed, boasting, "As if mortal ponies could ever stop me," and summoned forth a wave of dark magic. As the darkness washed over the guards, we watched in greater terror as, suddenly, they all dropped dead, their bodies striking the ground with a horrifying sound... and then...

...And then they rose up, moaning, and began moving towards the wall. The defenders of our walls had died, and been turned into undead abominations, now laying siege to the city they'd sworn to give their lives to defend.

While some, the more intelligent ponies at least, began to flee, many others, myself included, simply stood and watched in numb shock as Crunch, the massive hound of stone, simply looked at our walls, and boasted, "As if stone walls could ever stop me." He then simply walked through the stone, the mighty bricks crumbling to dust as he advanced through them. Tirek climbed over the walls, crushing ponies in his advance, and Grogar and his new minions followed Crunch through the gap.

I cannot begin to describe the panic of the exodus that followed. The great wall that had once been our greatest defense became our greatest enemy: Half the guards that Grogar had turned into undead abominations blocked the hole behind their master, so that no earth pony or unicorn could hope to escape. The remaining half of our former protectors descended upon those pegasai who tried to flee. Those that were caught by the undead became like them. A few simply jumped from the walls. If any survived the plunge, the undead were certain to catch them before the now crippled ponies made it far.

Our city was now a prison, the walls that were once our pride and joy were now nothing more than a barrier, a pen to keep us from escaping those that would feed upon us.

My father was too slow to escape, and was caught by a dozen undead citizens, ponies unfortunate enough to be caught in the path of one of Grogar's spells. His last words to me, before he became an abomination like them, were to flee, and to not look back.

I ran, and I ran, until finally, I came to the one place that the walls did not block: Baltimare Harbor.. And there...

There I saw that we were being assaulted, not by three fiends, but by four.

Squirk the sea fiend, a massive octopus easily as large as any dreadnaught to ever sail the seas, was snatching up ponies who were trying to flee by water in his tentacles. Once caught, he was wringing them out like dishrags and laughing at the screams of his victims, gleefully showering himself in their gore. Some were able to escape him, myself included, but not many. Perhaps one in twenty made it past him, but I doubt that most who made it past him would would have survived the swim to safety. I very nearly did not, myself...

The waters I swam through were red with the blood of ponykind, and when I crawled out upon a beach miles away, half-dead from my extended submersion in icy water, I was coated in a scarlet that took weeks to fade away. As I recovered there, panting in exhaustion and wondering if I would die, a terrible understanding came to me...

Grogar gained new minions with every pony his magic slew, and Tirek gained more power with every pony he drained. Meanwhile, Crunch hated all things soft or weak, so his assault on unarmed civilians was understandable, as it was no change from his past behavior. But what did Squirk, who had been imprisoned for raiding Equestrian ships for plunder, gain? Our deaths did nothing to empower him or grant him sustenance, so what profit did he make from slaughtering us by the score?

Simple: Equines had sealed Squirk, and the other fiends, away, and we had intended to seal them away forever. Now that the princesses were gone, and the magical seals of Tartarus with them, the fiends were going to make sure that there would not be a single pony left who might be a threat to them. This was not a war of conquest as we had previously thought. Instead, it was a war of annihilation.

This was the world of the fiends now, not ours. Perhaps it never had been ours, perhaps it had been the world of fiends and alicorns only, and we only lived because the alicorns had protected us. Once, the fiends might have tolerated our continued existence. Now, however? Now, we would be wiped off the face of the planet, every mare, every stallion, every colt, every filly, every foal. They would not rest until we were gone, our extinction being the punishment for our arrogance in thinking that they could be contained. We had sealed the fiends away, and then forgot about them, living our lives as though we had the right to rule this land, when the world belonged to the fiends by right of their terrible might. Now, we would be annihilated until not even memories remained of us. Our cities would become ruins, and then ground to dust under the hooves and paws of the fiends.

Diretusk is a fool to think he can control such unimaginable power and rage. Even if he can temporarily control them, sooner or later, the fiends will slip their leash, and they will do to the Boarcs, every last one of them, what they are doing to us, and all because of the actions of one arrogant little piglet.

The only way to fight those monsters is with another monster, an Equine monster. For that reason, I had contributed to King Sombra's resurrection. Until I had seen what he could do to Arabus, I had been disappointed.

...But now...

Our new ruler, the stallion we had thought could only save us because he was more terrifying than any of the fiends, he tells us that we will not be prey to the fiends, but the ones who will hunt them into extinction. Not him, but us. All of us.

My head tells me that I should mock him for his foolishness, to shout to all of my fellow Equines that he is a fool, that we should flee while we have the chance...

And yet my heart, the heart that weeps for the ponies of Baltimare, and who mourns the death of my father, my innocence, and my world, has me shouting as loudly as any other mare. The king's vision is audacious, but he is right: This cannot be just his victory. It must be all of Equestria's victory, or it means nothing. We must all take part in annihilating the fiends and pushing the invaders off of Equestrian soil.

As the din of shouting ponies ends, I find myself pulling a quill, ink pot, and paper out of the mane of that incessant blabbermouth, Babbling Brook. Before I realized what it was I was doing, I was sketching things...

Wonderful, terrible things. In an Equestria at peace, I would be feared for even imagining the weapons I was creating, and possibly even locked away in an asylum. However, as Babbling Brook and others look upon the things on the paper in front of me, I can only see awe, and approval, in their eyes. It would require a great many things before these drawings would come to life: Metals, both common and rare; skilled craftsponies and smiths, to turn those materials into parts, and those parts into their final forms; soldiers, trained to use those forms and fearless enough to fight the fiends, and the boarcs, and either destroy them or push them into the sea. And yet, a mighty oak tree starts as an acorn, and I was planting that seed now.

The fiends laughed at Equestrian walls, at Equestrian spells, and at Equestrian soldiers. They will learn to fear Equestrian courage, Equestrian craftsponyship, Equestrian imagination, and Equestrian ingenuity, and I will laugh as our enemies are ground to dust between my gears.

Today I Reach Out To Those In Need

View Online

And where was the archon in all of this? Well, that glorious golden guardian was overseeing the full reactivation of Sanctuary. There was a lot of ground to cover, given how... large Sanctuary truly was, but the archon had centuries of practice in maintaining the facility, and what would take years of labor for a crew of ordinary equines took it mere hours...

Oh? I've lost you? Okay, I'll explain.

The archon was not, in truth, Starswirl the Bearded's baby, so to speak, and neither was Sanctuary. I didn't learn about most of this until years after the grand finale of my tale, so I suppose sharing this won't spoil anything. Sanctuary, or at least the facility that would become Sanctuary, was originally designed by the teacher of the teacher of the teacher of the teacher of the teacher of the teacher of the teacher of Starswirl the Bearded, which is why it was of an architectural style centuries old. The wizard in question became a recluse in his later years, and decided to retire to a mountain sanctuary, and told only his student of it. That student visited often, and when his master died, he continued his master's work on the mountain, with the aid of the archon that the original designer had created. The facility was passed on from student to teacher, getting improved on as time went on. That's why the original architecture was over three centuries old. Over that time period, Sanctuary transformed from an old reclusive wizard's mountain palace to self-sustaining war fortress. Starswirl simply finished the expansion, made it mobile, gave it weapons, and the ability to harvest clouds.

Logistically, I should have understood that: No one individual, no matter how gifted or motivated, could have forged such a massive masterpiece in one lifetime, let alone in the time between Starswirl's falling out with Celestia and his departure.

Regardless, there was a lot to do for even an archon: Sanctuary was floating, sure, and battle ready, but there were thousands of systems and sub-systems to bring online and test.

And it was while testing the long range scanners that the archon discovered something highly unusual. Its directives were clear: An incident of this... magnitude, had to be reported to the highest ranking individual currently in the mobile fortress. Thus... the archon had to go see the King Of Fools...
--------------------------------

"So," I said, as the cheers finally, after a solid twenty minutes, subsided, "I'm guessing that, while you may be on our side, you're not actually going to do much directly to help us."

Discord chuckled, then snapped his fingers and suddenly he was dressed like The Guardian Of Metal, ala Brutal Legend. "I'm not really a fighter," he admitted, giving an impersonation of Ozzy Osbourne. "More of a keeper of timeless secrets."

Right. If he had been willing to step in, he'd have done so already. I suppose I could understand why, though: Celestia and Luna were the previous protectors of ponykind, and the princesses had turned him to stone. While he didn't seem to be the kind to hold a grudge, he certainly didn't owe ponykind anything.

*That, and while he's as strong as any two fiends put together, he'd still be outmatched if all of them ganged up on him: Even a master of chaos has limits.*

An idea came to me. I asked, "But... would you object to doing recon for us? Maybe transportation?"

A smile came across his face, and Discord said, "I might be willing to do that. My help comes with a price tag, mind you."

I considered letting him name his price, but I decided against it. Better to take the initiative when it comes to bartering. "I'll give you one day out of the year," I stated flatly.

Confused, he asked, "Oh? What do you mean?"

"Once Equestria is retaken, and the fiends, the boarcs, and anything else that might be causing us problems have been... dealt with, you'll be given one day per year where Equestria will be yours to do with as you please." I cleared my throat, and said, "You won't be allowed to hurt anyone, or brainwash anyone, or destroy things, but so long as you're willing to put everything back to the way it was when the day started, you'll have an entire day to do whatever you want to Equestria as a whole."

While the other mares gave me a startled look, Discord seemed... thoughtful. "And the rest of the year?" he asked, curious.

"You'll be free to go about as you please," I answered smoothly. "You'll be expected to abide by the laws of Equestria, of course, but you'll also be given all the rights of an Equestrian citizen. Go fishing, go swimming, go surfing, you can go-go dance with Prench supermodels on the moon for all that I care, but so long as you aren't hurting anypony, it's nopony's business but yours."

I could see Discord mulling that over. I suppose he was weighing the pros and cons of that arrangement, but it was definitely better than what the princesses had offered him. They'd turned him to stone, and would have left him like that for a thousand years. I was offering to let him roam free, and once per year, he could turn Equestria into his canvas.

After a moment's time, he asked, "Do you mind if I think on that for a bit?"

I nodded, and said, "Take your time. We've got other irons in the fire, so feel free to weigh your options."

Discord nodded, then snapped his fingers, and vanished.

Storm Cloud looked over at me, and asked, "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

I sighed, rolled my eyes, and admitted, "Probably not, but if I let him set the terms, then he probably would have asked for something seemingly harmless, but would have turned out to be disastrous in the long run."

Sparkling Sunset said, "That has happened a few times before, including one time he engineered the collapse of an empire by asking for the nation's entire supply of muffins." At my disbelieving expression, she added, "Long story. The point is, Discord is very good at turning things to his own advantage, if given the chance. He's probably thinking up ways to twist that deal to his favor right now... like how you neglected to set a specific day."

"That was by design," I stated, bluntly. "If he only got the same day every year, then where would the chaos be in it? Letting him have a random day every year makes the offer more appealing to him." I turned back towards my breakfast, and said, "But for now, what's done is done. We'll have his answer soon, and provided he agrees, we'll have a means of quickly tracking down the Raptorians," I paused with a chuckle at Storm Cloud's surprised look, and added, "plus a means of getting you instantly to them, and then back, once you've taken care of them." I chuckled, then finished, stating, "So I suggest you practice getting a handle on your new alicorn powers, since you may be getting a chance to use them sooner than expected."

*Clever. But that means that certain things will happen sooner, rather than later.*

'She's probably our strongest fighter right now, next to myself: I want her business done, and her back and ready to layeth the smacketh down upon our enemies as quickly as possible.'

I sat down at my place at the table, began cutting off a piece of tasty, tasty waffle, and said, "Now, unless there's another urgent issue that requires my immediate attention, I am going to eat some waffles now."

And of course, the archon immediately appeared, and said, "King of fools, I have an urgent issue that requires your immediate attention."

I believe I've mentioned that fact that my luck is just plain shitty sometimes.

I swallowed a bite, and said, "Alright, lay it on me."

A holograph appeared in front of me, showing a wintery landscape where two figures were fighting. One was a black unicorn with a long purple mane, blue eyes, and a ringed planet for a cutie mark. Given his fairly broad shoulders, I took him to be a male. The other...

'That is, without a doubt, the most metal centaur ever.' Seriously, I wanted to throw him an electric guitar, and have a rock battle with him, preferably on top of an exploding volcano with the fate of the world riding on who won. Irrationally, I wished that I had ended up in his body, rather than Sombra's: Just think of all the adventures I could have had...

*That's Tirek, the magic thief.*

'Seriously? He isn't at all how I pictured him.'

*How did you picture him?*

'Something like Dick Dastardly in a black robe, with a tall pointy hat with stars painted on it, and a burglar's mask on his face. And maybe carrying around a big sack with the words 'stolen magic' on it.'

*...I thank you for that hilarious mental image, I will treasure it for years to come. But, back on subject, Tirek's a dangerous foe, and a unicorn's natural enemy: He can steal a pony's magic away in seconds.*

'Well, Wonderboy down there seems to be faring pretty well.' No lie: The unicorn was peppering the centaur with energy blasts relentlessly, not giving the centaur a moment's respite. The shots were small, controlled, but were being unleashed at a volume to outdo a dozen men armed with tommy guns. It was clear that the attacks weren't doing much real damage to the unicorn's opponent, but not much times a thousand can add up to quite a lot over time, and the centaur was too busy trying to keep a blast from hitting his eyes or going down his throat to fight back right now.

*He is, isn't he... Aha! He's got some sort of counter-spell in place. Clever, but having seen it, I can duplicate it pretty quickly.*

'Good. We need to go down there. He's going to need our help.'

*...While your campaign against the fiends is certainly a priority, the unicorn has things well in hand. I'd say just let him finish, and then...*

'Look behind Metal Von Centaurstein.'

I'd not noticed them at first, having been distracted by the pyrotechnics, but as soon as I'd realized that those blasts were heavily controlled, I understood that there had to be a reason why he was avoiding collateral damage: There was an overturned cart, and I could see about half a dozen ponies, probably all mares (or maybe even fillies, it was hard to judge from the view I was given) and as crystaline as Ladyhawke, huddled behind it for shelter... and they were directly behind Tirek.

*Blast. He must have come upon Tirek as he was attacking those travelers. He can't use anything strong enough to do real damage to Tirek without risking harm to the mares, and the moment that brute realizes that those refugees have value as hostages, it will be all over.*

'Exactly. So, we're going to go down there, rescue the mares, help Space Unicorn down there wipe the floor with Tirek's face, then recruit him and give him a high five so epic that ponies will paint it on the ceilings of cathedrals for centuries to come.'

I stood up, and said, "I'll need... three pegasai, all of whom must be strong enough fliers to carry two or more ponies from the ground to Sanctuary, and a winter coat."

It was fucking cold out there, and I didn't want to end up getting knocked out by exposure again.

"And someone put my waffles aside until I'm done. I am going to finish those when I get back."

Ladyhawke, Thunder Cloud, and... Miss Bubbles all stood up, and saluted, the last carrying a blue winter coat. Where she'd been hiding it, I had no idea. Hammerspace again, I suppose. I admit, Lady didn't look happy, but she definitely wasn't arguing. All three were already suited up for outside, though: Apparently, they'd had the same idea I had...

"Good." I turned towards the archon, and said, "Lead us to the exit."

"WAIT!!!"

A mousy looking unicorn ran up, her scheme varying shades of brown. Panting, she bowed, and said, "Milord, my name is Tick Tock. I'm... I'm a survivor of the massacre of Baltimare. Tirek, and two, no, three of the other fiends attacked and destroyed my home town. However, the main fault for the ruin of the city lies with Tirek: Had he not drained the protective spells imbued within the stones, then the city might have held for hours, or at least minutes, giving the citizens time to escape, to prepare to fight back, to do something other than be lambs at the slaughterhouse. Had we been allowed even just a few minutes... my father might still be alive." She took a deep breath, and said, "Discord said that, when you're fulfilling the wish of one of us, you are granted an increase to your power. If that is so, then my wish is that Tirek dies. I care not if it's you, the unicorn down there, or if a star just falls from the sky and crushes him under its mass, and I don't even care if it's today, or weeks from now, or the end of the one year time limit, but Lord Tirek must die. No conditions, no restrictions, so long as Tirek is dead, I don't care how it happens. That is what I want the most in this world."

Clever girl: She'd realized that my granting wishes could give me a power up for the fight ahead, something I'd not considered myself. I nodded, and said, "Done." I felt a jolt of power flow through me.

Another mare, an earth pony with a brown coat and dark green mane done up in dreadlocks, with a willow tree on her flank, said, "Weeping Willow. My home town was likewise destroyed by Tirek, although with mine it was just him. My wish is the same as hers."

"Done," I said with another nod, feeling another boost.

Sweet Melody stood up, and shouted, pumping her foreleg in the air with each syllable, "Same here! Lord Tirek must die!"

"Done," I said, and felt another surge. I also felt a strong rumbling, implying that going any further today might be a very bad idea. I then held up a hoof, and said, "That's enough for now. I don't know if I can handle any more, and there's no more time to spare. But rest assured, Tirek will die."

With that, I did a dramatic turn, and with Ladyhawke, Miss Bubbles, and Storm Cloud in tow, we began making our way to the exit.

As I shrugged on the coat, I said, "Alright ladies, here's the plan..."
--------------------------------------

Aphelion was having a hard time of it: He'd finally caught up with Tirek, and sooner than expected, but the reason why he'd caught up so soon had turned out to be due to the fact that Tirek had run into a group of ponies who seemed to be trying to brave the winter snows. Given that these were Crystal Ponies, that did not bode well for the Crystal Empire, but their presence prevented the unicorn from using one of his most powerful spells to end the battle quickly, given their highly destructive nature. Instead, it was quickly becoming a battle of attrition, a contest to see if the unicorn's stamina could hold out against Tirek's endurance...

And since Tirek was still weathering the blows without seeming to be weakening, and Aphelion's horn was beginning to hurt, it was looking like the unicorn would be the loser of that battle. If the mares would just run, then things might turn around, but whatever is in that cart is too precious for them to abandon, and Tirek's first action had, apparently, been to render the cart immobile...

It simply wasn't fair: If he could only have a moment's respite, if the mares would just move... if something would happen before it's too late...

"YOU'VE GOT THE TOUCH!!! YOU"VE GOT THE POWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A52--FKUQgU

And suddenly, the sky was lit by fireworks, and the world was filled with noise...
--------------------------------

Five minutes earlier...

"You three are going to be the rescue team: I need you to collect all of those mares and bring them back to Sanctuary. Them, plus I'll need you, Storm Cloud, to collect their cart."

"Me?"

"Yeah. You've got alicorn powers now, Storm Cloud. I believe that comes with greatly increased strength, yes?"

"I... I believe so, yes. Celestia and Luna, in addition to having great magical power, were far stronger than the average pony. I was already much stronger than the average pony, so I guess I should be able to handle it now."

"But why the cart?"

"Easy, Ladyhawke: There has to be something in that cart that is as precious, if not more so, than their lives. Otherwise, they'd have abandoned it the moment the T-Rex down there showed up. I doubt that you'd be able to convince them to leave without it. Make sure that the cart and its contents can be safely transported."

"What'll you be doing?"

"Both you and Space Unicorn down there need a distraction, so Ti-Wrecks-Your-Face won't try to interfere with your mission, and so that out fellow Hunter will have a little bit of time to breathe before he lays into Tirek with his big finish. So, just keep in mind, no matter what you see or hear, keep moving: I'm certain I can buy you time, but I don't know how long my distraction will keep him entranced."

"...You really think that unicorn is a Hunter of fiends?"

"Yes, I do, although I don't think he's on our level yet. So, let's give him a chance to show his stuff, and then we'll see about a job interview."
------------------------------------------

As I began unleashing the mighty power chords of Stan Bush's greatest work, I knew I had Tirek's full attention. Let's be fair: If a giant being made of shadows with a star on his chest began belting out one of the most inspiring songs ever written on a gigantic guitar, you'd stop whatever the fuck you're doing and stare too.

The fact that I'd used the massive boost of energy I'd been given to create multiple duplicates of myself, playing drums, bass, keyboard, and what have you, and was also setting off enough fireworks for every fourth of July ever, forever, made me all the more distracting.

*I don't understand this: You pulled those instruments out of nowhere, and I know for a fact that you've never learned to play the guitar. How are you able to perform this song so... perfectly?*

'Elementary, my dear Sombra: I am able to take on the various aspects of a star, both literal and figurative, right?'

*Yes...*

'And that's any kind of star, right?'

*I... suppose...*

'So right now... I'm channeling the essence of a rock star. So, the magic I have generated both the skills, and the instruments, required to be one.'

*...That has a vast number of worrying implications.*

'Like what happens if I channel the essence of a porn star?'

*...I was thinking more along the lines of the Death Star, but yours is scarier, honestly.*

Credit where it's due, the girls did a great job with their rescue mission: They didn't even stop to look as they picked up the mares, cart and all, and took off with the entire load without a word. And the unicorn, he was no slouch, either...

He saw the rescue, and seemed to realize right away that I wasn't a new threat, but rather a distraction. He turned towards Tirek, and began preparations on a spell...

And bow howdy, was it ever a big one.

Most unicorns have, I know, been taught the principles behind this spell, but most pegasai and earth ponies have never heard of it. As someone with knowledge of computer programming, I have to say, if it were a computer program, it would be an incredibly elegant piece of work.

Here's the basic principles: Let's say you have a spell, and that spell's job is, basically, to generate ten instances of another spell. That new spell's job is to generate ten instances of yet another spell. That new spell's job is to generate ten instances of yet another spell... and after a few repeats of that process, you have something like one trillion spells, all set to go off at once. The spells fire off in rapid-fire succession, and you hit the final iteration of the spell in seconds...

And the final spell is the one that does the actual work.

Our wonder boy had realized that Tirek was too difficult to take down with one big spell without the element of surprise: The guy may only be a fiend in levels of potential power, rather than in the ways that really matter, but Tirek eats magic, and thus can potentially just eat any one spell you launch at him. But one trillion spells, all coming at him at once, even if on their own they wouldn't do 'diddly'...

Well, diddly times one trillion equals a whole fucking lot more than diddly.

The result was a small, fairly well-contained explosion, but at its epicenter (By which I mean Tirek), it generated a level of heat and destructive power that one might normally find at the heart of the sun.

Tirek was tough, though, and at the last second, he was able to put up a defensive spell, which was why, instead of being reduced to carbon dust and blown to the wind, the centaur was just badly burned and pissed right the hell off.

The unicorn fell to his knees, the last of his magic spent. Tirek, furious, turned towards the unicorn...

...and was completely unprepared for the guitar I slammed upside his head.

There was an admittedly satisfying crunch of bone breaking, the kind that tells you that, whatever you just hit, isn't likely to be getting up any time soon. However, while Tirek did fall to his knees, he was still standing, and still breathing...

Which suited me fine: I had power to burn, and I definitely wanted to be the one who delivered the finisher.

I called upon another, more literal aspect of a star, that being a black hole's ability to play merry hell with gravity: I summoned up a gravitational singularity inside of Tirek's chest, no larger than the size of the head of a pin, but with the gravitational force one would find on the planet Jupiter. It was keyed solely to Tirek's mass, and only lasted for a second, and yet, in a single, horrific second, Tirek was drawn into it; compressed, in a heartbeat, into something the size of a pea... which I then burned to carbon dust by summoning up the intense heat at the heart of a star. Yes, I launched a cosmic flamethrower blast from my chest.

*How... how did you do all of that?*

Sombra's question surprised me, and it took me a moment to realize that none of that had been Sombra. I'd done that all by myself.

I theorized quickly...

'I did that all on instinct. I think that while the unicorn magic might be yours, I think that the 'Star Power' is mine, and it comes with a subconscious 'user's manual'.'

*That's even more worrying...*

'Worry later: Let's go see to the new recruit.'

The recruit in question had just passed out...
----------------------------------

"And yet another falls to him," Grogar said, miles away, as he watched it all unfold in his crystal ball.

"I told you so," Discord said with a grin. "You understand why I'm turning down your offer now? Even if his offer wasn't far better than yours, Sombra is on a roll, and I doubt even all the fiends working in concert would be able to stop him. I'm not about to get in his way."

The old goat scowled, and asked, "Is that why you came here? So you could rub it all in my face?"

Much more serious, the master of chaos said, "No, although I admit, that is a welcome addition. No, I'm just here to give you a bit of advice: Get your affairs in order." Pointing at the image in the crystal ball, he added, "Whatever he was before, Sombra is now well on his way to becoming a hero, and not just the mundane kind. He is becoming the kind that will upset the so-called balance of the world, to the point that there's a strong possibility that, when he's done, the Equestria that he rules will be completely unrecognizable from the Equestria of a year ago." Wiping away a joyful tear, he admitted, "I live to see things like that." With a chuckle, he added, "So, there's no way I'll stand against him, when he's going to do something on a scale that even I, with all of my power, could have ever imagined."

Grogar sighed, then said, "Fine. Now begone. I have work to do."

Discord snickered, then snapped his fingers, and was gone.

Grogar looked upon the image in his crystal ball again... and smiled. Things might have looked poorly on the surface, but Grogar was old, the oldest of the fiends, in fact. He'd not gotten to where he was, as the master of death, by being easily defeated. He'd gotten to where he was by being devious, more devious than any other fiend. Every fiend that Sombra defeated was one less fiend to stand in Grogar's way. They'd had their chance to join him, and had refused. Let them die. Let Sombra wipe them, and Diretusk's forces, away. Then, when the time was right, Grogar would unleash his secret weapon, and would stand alone as the only being of power still alive in Equestria...

And then, the true Triumph Of Death would begin!

Interlude: My Transformation Begins With Me Getting Tired Of My Own Bullshit

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The dimwit's... Ambrose's progress was nothing short of exemplary. For all his impulsiveness, he has proven himself to be skillful at planning, at motivating others, and in drawing out the best qualities in other ponies. Even Ladyhawke, a mare who, by all rights, should hate him with the fiery fury of a thousand erupting volcanoes... instead seems to be somewhat taken with him, although she disguises that attraction with a facade of constant anger. Ambrose's memories call this tendency 'tsundere', although I'm uncertain if she is truly in such a state. If she uses the phrase, 'It's not as if I like you or anything," I'll know for sure. In the meantime, I have more relevant concerns...

Ambrose's body is changing, and not simply in that he grew wings: My body was originally nothing more than a husk in which to contain my true essence. The Crystal Heart could damage that husk, even destroy it, but all it could do to my true essence was expel it from the city. The Elements Of Harmony, being of much stranger and more powerful magic, were able to destroy even that.

Had the resurrection that the mares had intended gone as originally planned, I would have returned to that state. Instead, there are two Sombras now, one of which is Ambrose, an alicorn who is now fully of flesh and blood...

And myself, a creature of pure darkness, currently disguised as Ambrose's shadow.

I am currently conflicted: Ambrose, as mentioned, has made exceptional progress, having slain two fiends in as many days, and seems to have no intentions of slowing. In one moon's time, he may have completed a quest that should have taken years to accomplish, if it could have been done at all. I cannot help but to cheer him on, and yet... and yet...

And yet I realize now, since he is me and I am him, just Sombras of two different worlds, that I might have been capable of as much, or more, than him, had I simply taken a different path.

I am slowly becoming less relevant to his quest: He didn't realize it until after he had succeeded in slaying Tirek, but he'd done everything himself, from creating that musical performance to striking down the centaur with the power of the cosmos. He didn't need me at all. I don't mind being his adviser, it is the role I had intended to play, but I had not planned on his being so quick a learner...

And then there's the biggest issue that I cannot help but ponder as Sombra flies the unconscious unicorn up to Sanctuary. Yes, he even appears to have gotten the hang of flying, in spite of only having been aware of his wings for a few hours. His progress is simply terrifying...

Ah, sorry, I was distracted. My biggest concern?

Ambrose told me that there were questions that I should have asked before, and that there were choices I could have made, choices that might have sent me in a radically different direction than the one that ended with my death. The choices I understood immediately: Upon awakening to my heritage, I could have chosen to turn my back on it and leave the Crystal Empire behind, going with Radiant Hope to keep her company while she learned from the princesses. I could have listened to the princess of the Crystal Empire that night when I stole the Crystal Heart, and stopped myself before I did something truly unforgivable. Hades, I could have slapped myself in the face, jumped up and down on one hind leg, or painted myself purple and sang the Equestrian National Anthem in pig latin while doing the hokey-pokey! I had been told that I had no choice, and I had believed the one telling me so, in spite of having known that individual for less than a day.

Ambrose would not have fallen for it, as he had learned a very important lesson from a game called Bioshock: When someone tells you that you have no choice, it's because that person wants you to take the choice that they want, not one of the millions upon millions of other options that the world provides you at every second of every day. I didn't even understand that much...

I was manipulated, I can see that now. I had called myself a king, when in truth, I was a pawn. Never again.

As Ambrose begins making the arrangements for the unconscious unicorn to be put to bed and kept under observation until he recovers from his fatigue, I cannot help but to take a peek at what is in the cart that those crystal mares had brought with them. I was expecting the Crystal Heart, or perhaps the remains of the princess whom I had transformed into crystal and shattered to pieces. Both, I suppose, were foolish expectations: The Crystal Heart cannot be destroyed, nor can it leave the Crystal Empire, else I would have destroyed it immediately, rather than stealing it, or else just banished it to another dimension. As for the princess' remains, those were scattered far and wide, and while I could recall them in the blink of an eye, it would take lesser ponies years to collect them all.

Instead, what I saw sleeping in that cart spawned a thousand questions, as well as a few terrible, painful answers. I returned to Ambrose immediately...

*Ambrose.*

'What, no more dimwit?'

*I'll call you that again when you've done something stupid. I doubt it will take you long to do so, so enjoy this while it lasts,*

'Heh. Alright, what's up?'

*After we've returned to the Crystal Empire, and you've finished dealing with the fiends there, I need a favor.*

'Shoot.'

*Really? No jokes? No conditions?*

'You've been straight with me, and I wouldn't have gotten this far without your help, so if you really need something, I don't mind, as long as you're not going to ask me to do something bad.'

*...Thank you. Alright, I think you were on to something when we were speaking in our dreams last night. There are questions that I need to ask, questions that I should have asked before now, and I'll need your help to get the real answers, rather than just the ones that others will want me to know. I need to know the truth. If you will help me, I'll be grateful and indebted to you.*

'If it's the truth you want, I don't mind helping you get it. But, will you want me to play it 'sane', or would you want me to go full 'Spider Jerusalem' when the time comes?'

Heh, Spider Jerusalem, one of Ambrose's idols. I'd done some research upon him after Ambrose mentioned him last time: A reporter, a man obsessed with finding the truth, no matter where he needed to go or what he needed to do in order to find it. It had cost him everything, but in the end, he succeeded in destroying one of the most terrible monsters of his time, and had done so knowing that he'd never receive any just compensation for it. His methods were extreme, but the results more than justified the ends he went to.

*Ambrose, if you have to, feel free to blow a knee cap off of the fucking world.*

I had questions, and I was going to get the answers to them. Why? Because I'd just been given the answer to a question that I had not even considered asking, and probably had a few more answers already that I needed to confirm.

As I peeked back at the little filly sleeping in the cart, who had somehow managed to remain fast asleep in spite of everything that had happened...

A little filly with a dark gray coat, and a mane and tail as black as soot...

...I knew in my non-corporeal gut the answers to questions that my head needed evidence to confirm, and while I doubted that the red chunk of crystal that had originally set me on my path of darkness would give me the straight truth, I needed to confirm whether or not I'd be given more lies instead of the truth. But I feared that the answers, the real answers, would be the ones now rumbling inside of me, slowly festering into a hatred sufficient to burn a hole into the fabric of the cosmos itself...

Why was I born?

Because mommy wanted to be free, and can't break out on her own.

Why was I born and left alone in the snow outside the city?

Because that way, no one would suspect your true nature. Otherwise, you'd have been sent away, to live your life peacefully in another place far from the Crystal Empire, where you'd never be able to fulfill the role I had planned for you.

Weren't you worried that I might freeze to death out there? Or that the Crystal Heart might destroy me during the Crystal Faire?

Worried implies loving or caring, and Umbrum are incapable of both, so no, I wasn't worried. Not even a little.

Why were the Umbrum sealed away?

For the same reasons that ponies seal away anything else: We're bad news, and no matter how much time passes, we won't stop being monsters in pony form.

And of course, the biggest questions on my mind, only one of which I had an answer to...

Will I be the last time you try something like this?

A little filly with a dark gray coat, and a mane and tail as black as soot...

No.

Was I the first? Not the first to make it to the Crystal Empire, but the first one of my kind that you spawned in the deathly cold snows outside of the city? The same snows that I was found in?

...I hope, I hope, I hope so badly that the answer to that question is yes, but I fear that the answer will be no... and no... and no... and a thousand times again no... and that the path I had first walked to the Crystal Empire was carpeted with the frozen remains of my brothers and sisters...

Today I Celebrate My Accomplishments

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You know, some folks ask me if, back during the bad old days, if I'd ever, you know, considered throwing in the towel. Giving up, running off, and abandoning Equestria to its eventual destruction. I suppose I can't blame them: Even after the end of the second day, with two fiends dead and gone, the odds were still stacked pretty heavily against us. Diretusk still had his fiends, Grogar had his plans going on, the other fiends were still going crazy, and while we had the advantages of two alicorns and a floating fortress, that simply meant that we'd be the underdogs of this fight, rather than being hopelessly outmatched like we might have been at the beginning.

I'll admit, there were some low points later on, some bad enough to bring me to despair. Things did look pretty damned bleak a few times, bad enough that cutting our losses and running for it looked, if not like a good option, then at least preferable to our complete defeat. We'll get to those later. However, the first time I considered quitting was for the most ridiculous reasons imaginable...

It had taken a short time to get the unicorn I'd rescued seen to, and to assure the mares that they were safe. I'd taken a peek inside the cart, and saw the young filly, but while I'd asked Sombra about the strong family resemblence, he'd remained closed-mouthed about any details, save that he repeated his intention of getting answers once the fiends were gone. Afterwards, I began questioning the mares about the reason for braving the harsh winter snows. Thier reason blew my fucking mind.

"You mean to tell me that King Charlatan and Lavan are using their magic powers to turn crystal ponies completely into crystal... and then are crushing them into dust and snorting them?"

Chestnut Falls, the leader of the group of mares who had fled the Crystal Empire and in addition, according to King Sombra, to being the mare who had run the orphanage that the former tyrant had been raised in and the closest thing that he had ever had to a real mother, nodded her head and admitted, "Yes, your majesty. That is what we witnessed." While she didn't seem to recognize me, the fact that I was an alicorn was sufficient to grant me the honorifics. Sombra seemed... torn about that. But I had other things on my mind at the moment...

'Done.'

*Ambrose...*

'DONE!!! Dammit Sombra, how can you expect me to take any of this shit seriously anymore? I mean, the canned hams I could accept, and the giant evil cloud monster, and even the most metal centaur ever, but this? My next opponents are going to be a pair of evil magical tweakers? Fuck Magic Pony Land, man, I cannot take this shit! I'm done!'

*Ambrose! Stop griping and pay attention for a minute!*

'Hmph. Fine.'

*The crystal ponies are among the most innately magical ponies in Equestria. While the fiends may be experiencing some measure of euphoria through using their subjects in this manner, the main threat is that they're absorbing the magical energy of their victims. If they're not stopped, they'll be stronger than all the fiends put together by the time they've finished with half of their subjects. Worse, however, is the fact that whatever artifact that the two are using is keeping their subjects loyal, naive, and unquestioning, even as their numbers slowly dwindle. They're lambs in a slaughterhouse, all of them simply waiting for the axe, and they won't lift a hoof to defend themselves.*

'But why were these mares unaffected?'

*...I used magic to dominate the minds of my subjects once before, but I could not bring myself to do so to Chestnut, so I placed an enchantment upon her, one that would prevent me from controlling her mind, even by accident. She pleaded with me, begged me to do the same for the other orphans, and I did so, for old time's sake. I may have died, but the enchantment remains, strong enough to keep them from being controlled.*

'But why only the mares?'

*I cast it on the stallions as well, but like many young stallions one year ago, they all likely marched off with Commander Hurricane's ill-fated attempt to stop the fiends, and are no longer among the living.*

'Oh...'

Chestnut Falls was studying my face intently, confusion written large upon her features. Puzzled, she asked, "Have we met somewhere before, your majesty? You seem familiar."

*I'd ask you to lie to her, but we both know that the fiction would last only minutes at best. Tell her.*

'Alright.'

I paused, then said, "You'll be allowed one slap, but only one, so make it count."

Even more confused than before, she asked, "What?"

"We have met before, Miss Falls," I said, solemnly, "but I don't blame you for not recognizing me: It's been an eventful year, and I've changed a great deal."

She studied me a moment longer, and her eyes widened in recognition. "Sombra..." she whispered, seemingly unable to believe what her eyes were telling her.

I closed my eyes and braced myself for what I was certain would be a slap of epic proportions: The little earth pony fillies had proven strong enough to to be able to cut the circulation off of a grown stallion's limbs. While a mare, Chestnut Falls was still an adult earth pony, so her slap could potentially shatter my jaw...

So imagine my surprise when, instead of a vicious, well-deserved (Well, to Sombra, at least, not me) slap, I felt a tender touch upon my cheek.

I opened my eyes, and was surprised to see that the older pony was smiling, and had tears forming in her eyes. "I always knew," she said softly, "that there was a good pony inside of you, just waiting for a chance to shine." She then clutched me tightly in an embrace that, in spite of being incredibly strong (Earth pony, remember?), it was equally tender.

It is funny how memories come back to you in the strangest of moments. I would never have expected a hug from the surrogate mother of an evil overlord to bring to mind Miss Mont Blanc, one of the ladies who ran the orphanage I was raised in. A kind, caring woman cursed with the inability to have children of her own, and yet blessed with love enough for every child who came to her door, and with plenty extra to spare...

It hurts to think that I'd not thought of her for years, in spite of how much she meant to me. She'd put up with some of my craziest pranks, and my wildest stunts, without complaint...

...And she was one of the people who helped pull me out of the deep funk I'd fallen into when I'd discovered the truth about my birth.

That's... that's a private story, and I don't think the readers would be all that interested. I don't want to waste your time.

You're sure they'll want to hear it? Alright. I found this out when I was in my early teens, but I'll spare you the details of how right now. Here's the scoop.

My... parents were paid an awful lot of money by a wealthy couple to allow my mother to bear their child to term via in vitro fertilization, since the wife of the pair was too weak to give birth a second time. By birth, I was the child of the Rey family, a somewhat poor but mostly good and kindhearted family of Mexican descent. By genetics, I was born the offspring of a pair of very wealthy stockbrokers. I was the second child of their line, the first having a terrible ailment that was causing systemic damage to various internal organs. I don't have the exact name for the condition, but it was terrible, incurable, and would require their first-born son to receive repeated organ and bone marrow transplants in order to live past his twelfth birthday. Even with the best in medical technology available, and all the organs needed to replace his failing ones, he'd be expected to die by his eighteenth birthday. Since even with such treatment, my brother's death was assured, he was put on the ass-end of the organ transplant list: Why waste perfectly good organs on a child who would die before he could even vote, when those same organs could save dozens of children? Children who had a chance to live to their sixties with proper care, or longer? So, with no chance of getting those organs legally, my parents decided they'd have a second child, and use me as an organ farm.

Don't look so shocked: While compatible organs can, with sufficient wealth, be purchased off of the black market, along with a doctor to perform the transplant, bone marrow is much, much harder to obtain. Parents rarely match their offspring, you might be surprised to hear, so instead, it often falls to the siblings to provide the material, hence my birth. It is a sad fact that some families will harvest the organs of a perfectly healthy child, or even children, in order to extend the life of a sickly one, even if that extension might only be measured in months. My... brother was doomed to die, his body eventually losing the fight against the disease, but until then my biological parents were going to squeeze every bit of life out of me that they could, and dump it into him.

As you can guess, things went awry.

What's the antonym for a miracle? A disaster? Well, my biological parents could see my birth no other way: My blood type was determined to be completely incompatible with that of my brother. Bone marrow, too, although that wasn't confirmed until years after my birth. That meant that my organs would be completely useless. A one in a million outcome...

Now, let me tell you just how fucking terrible my parents are: They now had two children, one of whom, their first, was going to die. That was certain, and nothing, asides from perhaps a miracle big enough to spawn twenty religions dedicated just to it, was going to stop that. Here, though, they had a healthy child, guaranteed to live a long, fruitful life, barring an unfortunate accident. Smart, rational, and above all, 'good' people would say that, while tragic, they'd make sure that their first child received plenty of love, and made his passing as easy and painless as possible. And then, they still had a second child, and would give said child all the love and affection they could. Given that my brother died a few weeks after my birth, they could just call me a 'happy accident', and it would still be the best outcome for all parties involved: The Reys would be paid, my biological parents would have a son, and I'd never be the child that no one wanted.

...Instead...

My biological parents denied all claim to me, leaving me with the Rey family. They refused to pay the hospital bills for everything from the process of transplanting a fertilized embryo into my birth-mother's womb to the delivery and various testing needed to ensure I was healthy and compatible, and instead hired a lawyer, one slimy enough and crafty enough to legally stick my birth parents the bill. He also devised a means to get back the money originally paid for the arrangement between the two families through a legal loophole. The Reys were left with a bill they would never be able to pay, due to their dire financial circumstances, and when my birth mother caught ill a few weeks later, there wasn't any way to pay to see a doctor, let alone buy the medicine needed to treat her illness. She died of influenza. Not swine flu, or bird flu, but the regular old flu that most people get over in about a week, provided that there's medicine to treat it.

My father, the man I'll always consider my real father, did what he could to raise me, in spite of being hounded by creditors demanding money he had no way of paying, and after one too many bad bets, bets he only made because of those absurdly large payments my biological parents demanded, he was murdered and his organs harvested for sale on the black market.

To cap it all off, when Miss Mont Blanc discovered that my biological parents were alive, she approached them about taking me in. Within thirty seconds of her suggestion, they declined, and not even remotely politely. When Miss Mont Blanc tried to convince them, they threatened a law suit against the orphanage if anyone even mentioned my connections to my biological parents, sufficient to close down the orphanage and put dozens of little tots out on the street. Apparently, they didn't want their new daughter to ever know she had an older brother still among the living.

So yeah, fuck my biological parents. They were terrible people, end of story. Let's get back to a story people will actually want to hear about.

Where was I? The hug? Yes, the hug...

Chestnut Falls' hug reminded me of the kinds of hugs that Miss Mont Blanc gave me, and reminded me that I'd not written to her, spoke to her, or even thought of her in two years, and that now I never could. I would never see one of the most important people in my life again, not even to say goodbye...

*Ambrose...*

'What?'

*Feel free to apologize to her for me. Because I can't... as much as I would like to.*

He didn't need to ask me twice. I admit, tears were shed as I hugged her back, giving her the hug I would have given Miss MB if she were there, and said, "I'm so sorry. For everything I put you through." I won't even try to say that those tears were manly. They might have been, or they might not have been, but I promise you, they were genuine tears, regardless of their testosterone content, or the lack thereof.

"You can't change the past," Chestnut Falls said, gently. "All you can do is try to be better in the future."

"I will," I whispered. "I swear to you, I will."

I saw, over Chestnut's shoulders, the other mares of the Crystal Empire were looking at me, with an expression of...

The best way I can describe it is, 'I hate you, and am not likely to ever forgive you for the things you've done, but I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and act as if you've really changed because Chestnut Falls seems to think you're not as tremendous an asshole as everyone knows you are and I don't have the heart to try and convince her otherwise.' Yeah, it was that kind of look.

After another warm, hug-filled moment, Chestnut disengaged from me and said, "There's something I need to show you." She promptly dragged me over to the cart, and gently pulled the sleeping filly out where I could see her clearly. "She turned up a week ago, just outside the Crystal Empire, half-frozen to death. I didn't know what to make of her, especially with the fiends having arrived just a few days earlier. We'd tried to keep her warm, but even with the warming stones around her, her recovery is going slowly, especially with our having to leave the city after we learned what the fiends were doing." Blushing a little with embarrassment, she admitted, "We were hoping that, with time, she might grow to be as strong as you are, but with enough love and care, she'd be nicer, and willing to help liberate Equestria from the fiends."

I gave a smile, and said, "Well, with Arabus done in yesterday, and Tirek gone now, I'm hoping that at the rate we're going, the fiends will be gone long before she gets that old."

Stunned, Chestnut and the other crystal mares looked at me in something akin to awe. "Two fiends?" one of the other mares asked in shock.

I chuckled, then said, "Yes, two. It would have been more, but I have to pace myself, given that I've only been back from the dead for two days."

After a moment of dropped jaws and profound silence, I said, good-naturedly, "How about I walk you all over to the dining area: Breakfast was still being served before we stumbled upon you, and I'm sure all of you would enjoy a hot meal. I'll explain what all has happened over waffles."
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Upon my return to the dining area, mares and filly in tow, I was almost deafened by the sound of applause. Let me tell you, no one can clap quite like a pony can: Those hooves give their salutations quite the volume. I honestly wondered if the mares could have been heard outside of Sanctuary...

"Quite the... following you have here," commented one of the mares behind me.

"The spell that revived me," I stated, "required the blood of one hundred and eight virgin mares. The gathering was done by Clover the Clever's last student, Sparkling Sunset." Noticing that the mare in question seemed to be trying to spot her, I added, "She asked that she be allowed to watch over the unicorn who'd engaged Tirek in combat earlier. She has a number of questions to ask him, in regards to the spells that he was using. She'd never seen anything like them." Admittedly, I had a number of questions to ask him myself: He was the first stallion I'd seen since I'd arrived in Equestria, and a powerful wizard to boot. I had a feeling that he had a story to tell, and I'd like a chance to meet someone who wasn't a prepubescent and, I hoped, didn't want my Rod Of Lordly Might.

I cleared my throat, and asked, "Acorn, are you here?"

"Right behind you, your majesty," came the immediate reply, followed by several startled yelps from the crystal mares. Don't ask me how she did that: She moved in mysterious ways that I cannot possibly explain, even knowing what I know now.

I turned towards Acorn, and asked, "Would you mind getting something for these new arrivals to eat? I'm sorry to say that I'm not sure where the food's kept."

With a bow, she replied, "Provender has been arranged, your majesty, and will be brought out promptly."

I nodded, and said, "Good. Have it brought to my table, along with my own. I promised these ladies that I'd bring them up to speed, and I intend to do so."
-----------------------------------

And twenty minutes later...

One of the mares, Amber Waves, a purple earth pony with a blonde mane and wheat for a cutie mark, was the first to speak. "So, you've taken down two fiends, are in the middle of negotiating an alliance with Discord, and are currently engaged to be wed?"

Storm Cloud, who had joined us at the table (I won't even begin to describe the fuss that the arrival of a second alicorn had raised), nodded, and said, "Aye, and set Diretusk's elite fleeing like scalded dogs in the bargain. I doubt that we've seen the last of them, but the Boarcs suffered a blow yesterday that they'll need time to recover from..."

Chestnut Falls took a long pull from a cup of hot tea, and said, "I'm... surprised to hear that you're planning on wedding so soon, and to a mare you barely know." She gave a sigh, and added, "I'd expected you to marry Radiant Hope, and nopony else, honestly."

'Sombra?'

*I'd... killed Princess Amore right in front of Hope, transforming the royal into crystal and shattering her to pieces. When I last saw Hope, she called me a monster, and fled the Crystal Empire, to tell Celestia and Luna of my actions. Even if I knew where she was, I doubt that she'd ever forgive me for what I've done.*

'Oh...'

Taking a sorrowful expression I didn't need much effort to fake, I said, "After what I've done, I doubt that she'd ever want to see me again." I hung my head in shame, even if it was Sombra's shame, not my own...

"Pbbbt."

Surprised, I looked up at the noise, surprised to see the fluffy pony, looking at me with a heartrendingly sad face, sufficient to make me cry tears made of pure diebeetus. Before I could say anything, the fluffiest of ponies pounced on me, giving me the most epic glomp ever given. I suddenly found myself smothered in the plushiest fur in all of Equestria...

Within seconds, I was submerged, and unable to see or feel anything other than the almighty flufflepocalypse that had claimed me. I don't know how long I traversed beneath that limitless ocean of adorability: Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Eons? I have no idea, and am afraid, even now, to ask. What I do know is that someone placed something in my hoof just before I found myself ejected out of the mistress of all that is fluffy, cute, and adorable. And yes, the legends are true: I came in through the front, but left through the back.

Genuinely confused beyond all measure, I asked, "What just happened?"

Rosy Sunrise, with the sort of gleeful innocence only a child can manage, exclaimed, "Miss Fluffy Pants' fur ate you, and then pooped you out!"

Critical Hit! Multi-Blow! 9999, 9999, 9999, 9999, 9999, 9999!!! King Sombra's pride and dignity hath been slain!

As the entire room erupted into laughter, I noticed the thing that was now in my hoof...

It was a letter, bright pink with a red heart sealing it. Curious, I opened it, and read it, before quickly closing it and hiding it away, before anyone could see it.

*What did it say?*

'You didn't see it?'

*You hid it too quickly.*

'Oh. It, um, said...'

*Yes?*

'It said, 'Tell the real Sombra that I'm not angry with him anymore, and that I'll forgive him if he can bring Princess Amore back.''

*...*

'Sombra?'

*I knew she'd gone into hiding after my death, but I never thought she'd hide herself inside of a fluffy pony's fur. No wonder I couldn't locate her...*

I stood, shook myself to dislodge any magical fur that might have stuck to me, and then stretched.

'Can you bring the princess back?'

*It would require a mighty spell to do so, but yes, I think so: I hid her remains, but they're preserved as crystals. Over time, she might revive herself on her own, but I can accelerate the process. However...*

'However?'

*A spell that strong will bring a lot of attention our way. Diretusk, Grogar, and the other fiends aren't likely to know where we are at the moment, but once that spell is cast, any being of power on the continent will know exactly where we are, and will doubtless come for us with all speed, and while some of the fiends are limited in mobility, Grogar, Somnabula, Catrina, and Diretusk can teleport.*

'And we'll likely be exhausted from the spell, and be unable to fight back.'

*Exactly. So before we revive the princess, we'd better have a plan ready.*

'Understood.'

I turned towards the crystal mares, who, unlike the other ponies, were staring at me as if they half-expected me to turn the room into a bloodbath. Given Sombra's rep, I suppose I couldn't blame them...

I cleared my throat, bringing total silence to the room, and said, "Well, I believe that I was told there would be a party tonight, to celebrate our victory?"

Suddenly my sight was taken up by a vision of pink on pink, with blue eyes and a smile so large it was fit to frighten small children. The grinning mare exclaimed with the enthusiasm of a thousand happy puppies on a sugar rush and a simultaneous cocaine high, "Yup yup yup, there's gonna be a big party tonight, your majestiness! We've almost got everything ready, just a couple more hours and we'll be ready to party all night long!"

Suddenly on the receiving end of such... happiness, I could only say, "Um... good. I, um, don't remember seeing you before. Who are you?"

"I'm Pinky Pie, silly!" she exclaimed again. I was beginning to wonder if this might be her natural state, and if so, I shuddered to think of what she might be like when she REALLY gets going. She abruptly smelled the air, and said, "Oh, oh, oh, the cake is almost done, gotta go, bye-bye!"

And with that, she pronked off, hopping energetically towards the kitchen.

*What in the world was that?*

'I don't know, and I get the feeling that if I start questioning where she came from, I'll only get the kinds of answers that might make my head explode.'

*Agreed.*

Today I Playfully Engage In Lighthearted Activities

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Gotta say, for all her weirdness, Pinkie Pie knew how to throw a party. I mean, it was pretty tame, by college standards, but there were drinks (We'll get to that soon enough), there was food, there were games for everypony, even the little fillies, I might have given it only a seven out of ten, save for one all-important factor...

MOTHERFUCKIN' PIZZA!!!

Don't ask me how she was able to make it before it was 'officially' invented. I've encountered Pinkie Pie a dozen times in my life, and given the timeline involved in those appearances, I would have assumed that she either transcends time and space, or she has identical descendants that she makes sure she describes everything to in microscopic detail before passing on. Either way, I choose not to question her insane awesomeness, for to question her is to question pizza, and I will not question the delicious pizza.

And oh what a pizza it was. I made sure to get her recipe for it, so we could have it made again later, but I tell you now, Pinkie Pie's Perfectly Piquant And Pleasantly Palatable Pizza has yet to be perfectly duplicated by any individual save the adorable cosmic singularity that is known as Pinkie Pie.

I'll also admit, no one can party quite as enthusiastically as Equestrians can, either. I swear, not a drop of alcohol had passed the lips of the mares present yet, but the party was definitely in full swing. I could understand why, honestly: Everypony expected to be going late into the night on this celebration, but for now, with the fillies participating, it wouldn't do to party too hardy just yet. Once the fillies were put to bed, though...

Anyhow, the hours preceding the party were pretty dull, really. Lacking anything better to do, I asked the archon to give me a guided tour of the 'living area' where the mares were currently living. It was a fairly decent setup, if spartan: Sanctuary was built for survival, not for living, so asides from the architecture, there wasn't much to admire. I did note a distinct absence of a play area for the fillies, and resolved that, tomorrow, I would correct that post haste. The fillies had been through a lot, and they deserved someplace where kids could be kids.

Asides from that, nothing happened worth mentioning. It wasn't until the fillies went to bed, and the girls started breaking out the drinks, that things quickly took a turn for the crazy. And yes, when I say that things started getting crazy, you know that means something.
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"Poko, your majesty?"

Yeah, I can see you smiling. You've heard the stories, and you know where this is going. Poko is not a drink you should give to someone who does not know what he's in for. It is something that should have a warning label, one that shrieks out, 'DO NOT DRINK THIS SHIT, EVER! EVER EVER EVER!!!' every thirty seconds. Poko is a drink that is too strong for alicorns and adult dragons to drink more than a thimble full without becoming thoroughly plastered. To drink poko is to have a night that you will never remember...

To give you an idea of just how potent poko is, perhaps Otaku terms would be best: Hard liquor is like Yamcha from Dragon Ball Z. Poko is motherfucking Beerus. Yes, that's right, poko is the Beerus of beers.

In the war against Sobriety, poko is the Atomic Jager Bomb.

"Sure," I said, taking the large mug from Pinkie Pie. Certain in my masculinity, I drank the entire thing in one go.

Now, of the events that happened afterwards, I have no personal memory, you understand? As of the moment I finished chugging the bane of prohibition, I was so drunk that new words would have to be invented to describe it. In fact, that night is the reason why 'Kromnar' is now in the Equestrian dictionary, and is used to describe someone who has drank enough to drop ten men, and is still walking around. Still, I have the testimony of many trusted witnesses, including Sombra himself, who could tell what I was thinking, to tell me everything that happened over the course of what is now known as 'The Wildest Night Ever'...
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I swear, while he'll neither confirm or deny it, I think Discord was waiting for me to get plastered before he popped in. I do know, for a fact, that Sanctuary did not have any poko in stock, so Pinkie Pie had to have brought some with her. Regardless of intent, what happened, happened, and within thirty seconds of my having imbibed enough alcohol to make a dragon dizzy, Discord popped in.

"I'm back, your majesty!" DIscord said, as a mariachi band appeared from nowhere and began playing a merry tune. "I've decided to accept your gracious offer, and will be happy to provide you with assistance in this, Equestria's hour of need."

"Excellent," I said, grinning cheerfully. "Feel free to pull up a chair, and have something to drink." As an afterthought, I added, "But before you get too cozy, I'd like you to check a few things for me."

Discord snapped his fingers, and vanished, then reappeared in a chair beside me as a disembodied head, wearing green face paint and a red turban. It took my inebriated mind to realize that he was dressed as Jambi the Genie.

'If he asks me to chant 'Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho', I'm gonna lose my shit completely.'

*I'm more worried about the fact that he seems to know so much about your world...*

"Your wish is my command, your majesty," Discord said with a chuckle.

"I would like to see what Diretusk is up to at this moment," I said, after a few seconds of consideration. We'd set him to running, but I didn't know if he'd succeeded in regrouping yet or not.

"As you wish," Discord said, then nodded his head, and in the air above me, I saw a projection. It showed the piglet Diretusk, running after his army, being carried on the back of a massive armored boar.

'That's Diretusk? He's like a tinier version of Chuckles the Silly Piggy!'

*Heh. Yes, but size matters little when it comes to the mastery of magic. Age, study, and will always make up for a deficiency in size. Still, he's very young to have mastered such a potent spell as Subjugation. It would take years to... Oh. Oh, that is clever.*

'What?'

*Diretusk probably only knows how to perform the Subjugation spell, and a few minor cantrips besides. Any other spell would require that he makes use of some sort of magical relic to assist him. It would explain why, after Arabus was defeated, he did not attempt a second strike using his magic: Any truly puissant wizard would have pressed the attack after our collapse while the main barrier was being powered up, or would have dispensed with the army and tracked the mares down alone. Subjugation is a powerful art when you have access to creatures like the fiends of Tartarus to make your slaves, but it only works on the truly wicked. For everypony else, he has to have an army to back him up. He's a magical prodigy for having been able to master such a powerful spell so young, but...*

'...But instead of learning a broad range of spells and leveling up his character the normal way, he's 'Twinking', using other resources like armies, enslaved fiends, magical artifacts, and other things, in order to give him abilities well beyond his normal capacities.'

*In your gamer terms, yes. Were Celestia and Luna still around, then Diretusk would not be much of a threat: Take away his armies and his equipment, and he's just a piglet with a trick that only works on a small pool of individuals, the size of which has diminished over the last two days, thanks to you. Celestia alone could have managed defeating him, in fact. Now, though, he's gotten his armies on Equestrian soil, and he still has the Raptorians, Crunch, and Catrina on his side. He'll be much harder for us than he ever would have been for her.*

'Not if we break his toys, he won't.'

*What?*

"Discord," I began, an evil plan forming in my pickling brain, "Does Diretusk have access to anything that would allow him to teleport at this moment in time? Or would let him know what's going on elsewhere in Equestria?"

"Hmmm," Discord pondered that question a moment, and then the image shifted to a palanquin being carried by a group of boars at the front of the army. "Not at this moment," the master of chaos admitted, "but once his army stops running, he'll have access to his magical items again. Although, given the state of his army, I imagine they've got another day worth of running left in them, and after that, Diretusk will likely take a day or two to mete out punishments for his army's retreat. He'll likely be so busy that he wouldn't even think of checking with his forces elsewhere in Equestria: He's a sadistic little runt, to be sure."

'He needs a dwarf to slap him in the face until he learns some manners.'

*That would take a lot of slapping. You'd have to hire a team.*

'A pity there's not a spell for that.'

*...Yet.*

'Oh hell yes. Keep me updated on your progress: While there are few situations that would warrant a team of bitch-slapping midgets, if one such situation appears, I want to be ready for it.'

Yeah, I was starting to get pretty drunk by that point.

A devious smile crossed my features as I asked, "Could you do something to make it... difficult for Diretusk to get ahold of his magic items for us?"

Discord vanished, then reappeared as his normal self, then snapped his fingers. The palanquin vanished from the backs of the running boars in the projection, and appeared in the middle of the room. The retreating boarcs didn't seem to notice. "Done, and done," Discord said with a chuckle.

We now had the silent attention of every mare in the room. The exultant partying had given way to a sort of silent expectation. The mares knew that something big was coming, and they all wanted to see what was about to happen.

My grin turned absolutely villainous as I rubbed my hooves together and said, "Excellent. So, for at least the next couple of days, Diretusk is out of the picture. We have more or less free rein to do whatever we like to his forces elsewhere in Equestria, and he can't do anything about it until he returns. Plus, we have you, Discord, who will allow us to teleport in and out while Sanctuary is on its way to the Crystal Empire."

Discord chuckled, and asked, "I am guessing that you have something in mind, your majesty?"

"Oh yes," I said, my tone turning as dark as it had when I was in Sombra's original state. "Diretusk came to Equestria in order to play at being an evil conquering overlord. Well, he's about to learn that if you come to play at the big colt's table, you'd better not cry if someone breaks your toys. If Equestria is going to have an overlord, then it is going to have an Equestrian overlord." Looking up at the projection, I asked, "Now, I need to know where Diretusk's remaining fiends are, where the rest of his army is, and where he keeps the lion's share of his magical gear." I doubted that he'd taken his good stuff with him to track down the mares: While some magical artifacts are small, as I recalled from various fantasy novels that I had read, the ones that were really powerful tended to be big, and difficult to transport. Admittedly, some like the One Ring were easy to move, but they were also easy to lose track of. Diretusk's forces had been chasing the mares, so they'd only been focused on speed, not firepower: Anything truly powerful had been left at his home base.

Discord snapped his fingers, and I was given a view of what I could only call a 'doom fortress'. It was massive, black, and foreboding, almost to the point of being a cliche. "All of those can be found here," Discord said with an elaborate gesture. "The piglet used a magical artifact to transport one of his most impressive fortresses here to Equestria, and he uses it as his base of operations. Diretusk doesn't trust his minions to operate independently, so they're waiting for his return." The image zoomed in on an underground dungeon, where a massive bulldog made of stone was sleeping. "Crunch doesn't move fast, so he was ordered to wait in catacombs beneath the castle for his master's return. He cannot, and will not, move until his master returns and orders him to do otherwise." The image zoomed out, and then in on three monsters with the bodies of birds and the heads of snarling, ugly canines in what looked to be a combination of a rookery and a kennel. They were busy tearing apart something that, thankfully, was too far gone to identify, but had once been a living creature. One of them was drinking a mug of something frothy, and almost certainly alcoholic. "The Raptorians, unable to handle the cold, spend their days growing fat and lazy while they await their master's return. They don't seem to mind, but they're hardly in peak fighting condition." The image zoomed out, and then in again, showing a feline with a long, flowing mane and dressed in robes. She might have looked feminine, but her robes were dirty, and it was clear, even from where I was sitting, that she hadn't washed for days on end. She didn't seem to care, as she was puffing on something that I immediately recognized.

'First tweakers, and now an evil magical stoner?'

*Quiet. We have more important things to pay attention to right now.*

Storm Cloud, beside me, went very still, but otherwise said nothing. The Raptorians, I remembered, were the one group of fiends she wanted dead the most, and now she knew right where to find them...

"Catrina sits in her laboratory, trying to find new ways of processing witchweed so that she can gain greater power from it," Discord stated. "She's been duped: The truth is, the witchweed that the Boarcs brought with them is of a radically different nature than that of the breed found in Equestria: It offers no increase in power, but it is just as addictive as its native counterpart. These days, she spends her time smoking the stuff, never realizing that it only serves to make her docile, not stronger. She was left behind because if she runs out of witchweed, she'll become difficult for Diretusk to control, since she's only evil when she's either on Equestrian witchweed, or is going through withdrawals."

"A pity we don't have some means of capturing her alive," I said after a moment's thought. "If she were given some time to... detox, and then told the truth about what Diretusk had done to her, she might make a powerful ally." She might have looked dreadful now, but it was clear that, under the grime, she made for an impressive figure... for a cat, at least.

"In that respect, I might have some good news for you," Discord announced. The image zoomed out, and then in again, this time showing a number of prison cells. There were ponies by the dozen in chains, all of them looking despondent. However, as sad a sight as that was, there were two figures that drew my immediate attention. One was a bizarre fusion of bee and bear, wrapped in chains so tight that it could not possibly move. The other was a strange green ooze trapped in a glass orb. While it lacked a face, it had a mouth, one in a definite frown.

"The ursine creature is known as the Bugbear, a lesser creature that had been held in Tartarus, barely strong enough to qualify as a threat compared to the other creatures that escaped," Discord explained. "While their master was away, the Boarcs managed to capture it, and await Diretusk's return so that he can try to Subjugate it. It wouldn't work, though: The Subjugation spell works on creatures that are evil, and the bugbear is not actually evil. Instead, it is simply wild and uncontrollable, as much a primal force of nature as a living creature. The other is known as the Smooze: It is a lifeform that grows as it consumes shiny things, such as gemstones and the like. It isn't evil at all, but it is effectively indestructible, given that its substance nullifies all magic, and its body cannot be damaged by any weapon. Diretusk plans on harvesting its substance to make anti-magic weapons and other devices."

I grinned, and said, "So, if we spring them, then the Smooze could help us capture Catrina, and the bugbear would make for one heck of a distraction. Maybe even an ally, if it feels grateful for having been freed from its chains."

Acorn, from behind me (She was always behind me, in those days), said, "If I could get to those pens, breaking those two out would be relatively easy. The ponies too, although we'll need a means of getting them out of the fortress afterwards."

Discord added, "And while I can teleport you and any ponies you choose to take with you a close distance to the entrance, the fortress is enchanted to prevent teleportation, in or out. They'd have to leave the grounds for me to be able to bring them all here."

"So," I said, "Me, Storm Cloud, and Acorn go down there, and while I make a massive distraction, one sufficient to keep the Boarcs occupied for a good long while, Stormy goes and takes down the Raptorians. Meanwhile, Acorn frees the captured ponies, the Smooze, and the Bugbear, and then takes the Smooze to apprehend Catrina. Once the bugbear is loose, I'll be free to go into the fortress, and take whatever magical artifacts I can locate and carry, and then destroy the rest." I paused, then said, "I don't think I'll want to try Crunch tonight, so I'll just let sleeping dogs lie. We can always go after him later." I smiled, then said, "And then, after we've succeeded in accomplishing our goals, we'll all leave the fortress, and Discord can teleport us all back here. Simple."

Of course, as often happens with a drunk raid, it was a lot easier saying it than it was accomplishing it.

Interlude: Today I Will Listen When Friends Share Their Stories

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Skipping stuff? Me? No, no, no... well, maybe a little. Look, you wanted my story, and that's what I'm telling. There's a few things, I admit, that I don't always remember perfectly, so I may gloss over a few details, but I do remember the big stuff. The party was fun, and laughs were had...

Oh, I know what it is you're wanting now. You're wanting to hear that story. It's the one everyone wants to hear. The one that's been repeated over and over and over again. The one that some say gets sillier and sillier with every retelling. Well, let me tell you this right now, tulip: No retelling will ever be funnier than the original.

Okay, here goes...
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For a good bit of the party, I circulated around, talking to the mares, trying to get a feel for them overall. So far, I'd only really spoken with a small number of them, and while they might have been the leaders of the group, it wouldn't be right for me to associate only with them. I'd be granting the wishes of the entire lot of them, after all: If I didn't know anything about any of them, I'd likely bungle something spectacularly...

I noticed, just after the fillies were put to bed, a mare was examining the decorations with what I could only call an experienced eye, which immediately struck me as odd since she looked, at most, to be nineteen or so, although I was still a ways away from being an expert in pony ages. Still, that combination of seeming experience, her youth, and how she seemed so... intent when studying the decorations struck me as odd. Curious, I approached her, taking her measure as I did so.

She was an earth pony, and one with a straight pink mane. I know that sounds odd, but it is the only way I know to describe it: Her mane basically went from her head to the base of her neck in a straight line with a minimum of curve, in that style a lot of the mares these days are calling the 'Pinkamena', for some reason. I have no idea why. Anyhow, she had a slate grey coat, and green eyes. Unlike some of the earth ponies in the room, she wasn't very... fit, I guess you could say. A lot of the earth ponies were 'country mice', with bodies honed from work in the fields. This mare struck me as a 'city mouse', somepony who hadn't grown up on a farm, but rather someplace where she hadn't had to work quite so hard. I didn't notice her cutie mark at the time, which I should have, as it might have prepared me for what was to come...

"Find the decorations interesting?" I asked, curious. I had to admit, they were impressive: The world was at a medieval era culture, but the decorations that Pinkie Pie had put up were... modern. Another oddity that I feared investigating.

...I'll admit, while there are few things I fear, the actual truth about what Pinkie Pie actually is tops the list, and has done so for a long, long time.

Anyways, the mare turned back to me, smiled, and said, "Well, you know how it goes: One craftspony can't help but admire the craftsponyship of another."

"So," I asked, putting two and two together, "you're a party planner?"

"Oh yes," the mare said to me, a dreamy expression in her eyes. "I don't mind that Miss Pie helped with today's celebration planning, but back in the day, I used to be Princess Celestia's personal party planner. I was the one who managed her galas, her soirees, and her balls. Oh, how I adored Princess Celestia's balls..."

*Ambrose.*

'Oh come on, Sombra. I didn't say a word aloud about the tweaker fiends. At least let me have this. Please?'

*...Fine.*

With a smile, I requested, "Please, tell me more about Princess Celestia's magnificent balls."

I heard a few giggles in the background. It appeared that a few of the ponies in the room could hear us clearly, and while they might have been virgins, they at least knew that much about anatomy.

...Then again, in a society composed primarily of nudists, there's no way they couldn't know at least that much.

Her smile growing wider, she said, "Gladly, your majesty. Princess Celestia's balls were the most popular in the land. While many other ponies might have held balls, all of them secretly wished to hold balls as grand as hers. And who could blame them? They were the biggest, the grandest, the most legendary balls in the land. They were all that many ponies could talk about. I was more than happy to help Princess Celestia with her majestic balls: Such grandeur would be far too difficult for any one pony to handle. Even as skillful as I am, I could never have managed the burden of such tremendous balls on my own: It took dozens of ponies to aid me with Princess Celestia's balls."

I am not even going to start with all the images that put into my head. What I will say is that the room was now filled with giggling ponies. All other conversation had stopped, and the mare and I were now the center of attention as we continued on into what would soon develop into one of the most legendary comedy routines in all of history.

"A pity," she added, "that we will never see such balls again."

An eyebrow raised, I asked, "Why do you say that?"

"Well," she said a little hesitantly, "it is well known that King Sombra of the Crystal Empire had no balls of his own."

The room went very quiet.

*No comment.*

'Heh, yeah, I bet. I can see your memories too, Sombra. I can see you now, sitting up high and watching your slaves at work. I bet they tell all kinds of jokes about 'The great King Sombra, with his tiny deck and no balls'.'

*That was a balcony, not a deck.*

'Same difference.'

"Evil tyrants, as a general rule, don't have balls," I said with a perfectly straight face. "It is a well known fact. Before I set on the road to rule, I had to choose between uncontested dominion over the kingdom, or having balls of my own. At the time, it seemed the choice was obvious, but I came to regret my lack of balls a great deal. In truth, I was intensely envious of Princess Celestia and her massive, magnificent balls. It just didn't sit right with me, that a princess could have balls where a king could not."

The laughter that filled the room was simply thunderous. I can't even begin the describe it. It was like a year's worth of stored laughter being let out all at once.

On a roll, I continued, saying, "But things are different now. I am a changed pony: I am passionate about having balls again. Once Equestria is free from the fiends, and the boarcs sent packing, then I promise you, all of Equestria will stand in awe of my balls. Every pony in the land will be able to say, without fear of contradiction, that King Sombra has the biggest balls in all of Equestria, if not the entire world."

The laughter grew even louder, and a few of the mares began rolling on the floor, clutching their sides.

"My word," the mare said with a smile. "You'll certainly need help with such spectacular balls as those. I don't suppose you'd be willing to take me on?"

"Milady," I said with a formal bow, "You may feel free to handle my balls any time you please."

With that last announcement, the mare's composure broke, and she started laughing out loud. That was when I noticed her mark: It was a jester's staff, complete with a goofy grinning head wearing a jester's cap. I'd previously thought that she'd been innocently making those references, using that one word on accident, when in fact...

...She'd done it all on purpose. She'd used me to run a comedy routine in front of dozens of mares.

When she finally regained her composure, the mare said, "Thank you, your highness." She placed a hoof on my shoulder and said, "My name is Slapstick, but most of my friends call me Slappy. In addition to being her majesty's party planner, I was also her court jester. I was also one of the first mares to join Sparkling Sunset on this campaign." Her expression turned a little sad as she said, "I was charged with keeping everypony's spirits up, a difficult task, as you can imagine." The way she said that made it sound as if sometimes she had failed in that mission. In a world filled with despair, failing a task like that can have fatal consequences.

Can ponies commit suicide? I've never asked that question, but at that time, I was reminded of a section of the book 'World War Z', where a film legend fought his own personal war against despair, which, through an ailment called ADS, claimed many who simply gave in, went to bed, and never work up. Even if ponies didn't have a concept of suicide, there were plenty of other ways to reach that big corral in the sky...

Slappy smiled, and admitted, "I thought I'd never hear the sound of a roomful of ponies laughing again..."

Even now, every pony, without exception, was laughing with wild abandon, as if they had not a single care in the world. Given that, through the course of a year, they'd lived in constant fear for their lives; lived with the grief of lost friends, relatives, and loved ones; lived with the constant knowledge that their world was on the verge of ending...

That made this moment of pure, unfiltered joy all the more magical.

With a giggle, Slappy said, "But this... even on my best day in the courts of Celestia, I never received a reaction quite like this one. Thank you, your majesty." She smiled at me, and I could see joyful tears forming in her eyes. "I cannot express in words how much this means to me."

Slapstick had fought her own personal war against despair, a force that could slay as surely as any arrow, spear, or spell, but could do so as stealthily as any ninja assassin. It was a foe without form, but one that could have easily ended the journey of the 108 well before they revived me. For nearly a year, she had fought it with the sort of determination, grit, and heroism that made any champion, clad in shining armor and wielding a magic sword, seem as nothing in comparison. While she might have lost some of the battles, today was the day that proved that, in the end, she had won that war beyond all doubt. The armies of despair were routed, and if I had anything to say about it, they'd never rear their ugly heads again.

I gave a short, polite bow, and said, "Happy to be of service."

Sometimes, the simplest gift, the gift of laughter, can be the greatest gift of all.

Today I Will Put A Positive Spin On Negative Situations

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There is an old saying: I'd rather be lucky than good. Let me come right out and say that I've never been lucky, at least, not before coming to Equestria. As the circumstances of my birth and formative years can tell you, I pretty much grew up being chance's bitch. That is, I think, why I was so interested in both computers and probability back home: Computers are, at their core, completely and indisputably logical, and unless you program randomness into them, they literally cannot do anything other than what you tell them to. With probability, you can gain an understanding of how likely it is for shit to go wrong.

Anyway, since I couldn't be lucky, I've always had to settle for being good. Really, really good. So good that, no matter how lucky an opponent may be, I can still overcome him. Of course, I'm talking about video games, mostly, but I've learned that, if I ever wanted to get anywhere, I needed to be at least ten times better than the other guy, since I had to fight both my luck and whatever obstacles would be in the way for ordinary people. In Equestria, strangely enough, my bad luck had not seemed to have followed me as of yet.

However, the drunk raid was a point in time when my old luck reared its ugly head and tried to reassert itself, and I nearly paid dearly for it. In retrospect, I should have seen it coming: Sombra's revelation about how Diretusk wasn't nearly as strong on his own as anyone expected should have made me realize where his power truly was, but my increasing inebriation was fogging my mind, and blinded me to the hornet's nest I was about to kick...

And there was one final factor I had not considered, one that even Discord had not taken into account, which could easily have spelled my untimely demise. Then again, who could have expect that HE would show up?
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Anatomy of a poko bender.

Poko is a unique, magical blend: An absurdly powerful liquor to be sure, but it has a second component, and this is what makes the drink so potentially dangerous, as it offsets, for a time, the depressant aspect of the drink...

Poko is a lot like a magically enhanced jager bomb, as it also contains enough caffeine, among other stimulants, to make a statue jump up and start dancing. So, instead of feeling groggy, clumsy, or depressed, poko makes you as hyper as a three year old who just drank ten Red Bulls, a dozen Five Hour Energy shots, and snorted fifty pixie sticks. Meanwhile, the alcohol does wonders in removing your inhibitions, so that you have slightly less restraint than said three year old.

That is why poko benders tend to be a whole lot more... interesting than your average drunken bender: It turns you into something like if the Tazmanian Devil ripped out the Energizer Bunny's heart and ate it, gaining his powers. But like I said, it is also very dangerous, since once that stimulant effect wears off, your former friend, Mister Alcohol, will come up behind you and whack you in the back of the head with a frying pan...

And stimulants typically wear off a heck of a lot faster than depressants.
-----------------------------------------

"It's a lot more impressive up close," I admitted as I looked upon the fortress that Diretusk had based his operations out of. While it might have been a cliche doom fortress, it was, in fact, a really fucking huge cliche doom fortress. It was the kind of castle you'd expect to see in a Castlevania game, honestly. I kinda wished that I had a castle like it, if for no other reason than because of how intimidating it looked from the ground.

*A pity what we're going to do to it.*

'Heh. Yeah. Wrecking the motherfuck out of this place will make a great distraction. If our last encounter with Diretusk's 'elites' is any indication, the moment I show up in full 'Shadow Giant' mode, they'll head for the hills.'

Turning back towards Acorn and Storm Cloud, I asked, "Are you both ready?"

Acorn nodded, and said, "In your time, your majesty."

Storm Cloud, looking slightly unsteady, but definitely sporting her game face, said, "I am beyond ready, your highness."

"Go," I said, and they both took off towards their respective targets.

I nodded, turned towards the fortress, and...

Okay, changing into shadow giant form is kinda weird, I'll admit it. I can't explain it well. It's kinda like... back home, they have these toys called 'Stretch Armstrongs'. Basically, they look kinda like people, but the limbs and torso can stretch many times their own length. That is kinda what it felt like: Everything got longer.

Yes, except for that. Get your head out of the gutter. That's where my head is supposed to be!

I noted a pair of new additions on my new form, ones that I hadn't really noticed before: Wings. Maybe they'd been there for my fight with Tirek, and I'd not noticed them, but my shadow giant body was now sporting a pair of feathery black wings. I have to say, they looked really intimidating, especially on a body that big. I could see dozens of boarcs on the walls, all staring at me and pointing as I grew larger and larger. As my head cleared the tops of the castle ramparts, I put on a ferocious grin, and began announcing my presence, my voice loud, and yet my tone frighteningly cold.

"Wretched swine, prepare yourselves. For your crime of invading Equestrian soil, you will suffer my unending scorn. There are none who stand above me. There are none who can stand before me. I am the overlord of Equestria, KING SOMBRA!!!"
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Catrina the sorceress, up in her tower, looked at the massive figure outside her window, then down at the cigarette of witchweed she been smoking.

"Wow," she said, her voice filled with awe, "it usually takes longer for this stuff to kick in..."
-----------------------------------------------------------

And this was where shit started going wrong for me.

"FIRE THE CANNONS!!!"

*Cannons?*

'Cannons?'

Motherfucking cannons, man.

The world was at a level of medieval technology, more or less, right? But consider this: Back home, in China, they'd invented gunpowder back in the ninth century. It didn't reach Europe until the thirteenth century, but it was still used in cannons well before personal firearms were invented. Both of those time frames can be considered 'medieval'. While it took a long time to refine the technology to the point that it was common on the battlefield, cannons were still something that could sometimes be found in medieval fortresses. While the ponies had yet to develop gunpowder weaponry, the boarcs had, and were not afraid to use it.

That was, in part, why they were able to subdue the fiends long enough for Diretusk to Subjugate them: While most fiends are able to bounce back from injuries that would be fatal to a mere mortal, a solid object moving eight hundred feet per second can do a fuckton of damage, even if it was a conventional cannonball, and it takes time to bounce back from that kind of a hit.

But this wasn't a conventional cannonball. It was a canister shot, for one thing: Dozens of little balls, scattered like a shotgun blast. But even then, it wasn't lead that they hit me with.

Remember how I said that, when Celestia and Nightmare Moon had their big tussel, Moonie pulled stars down and started throwing them around as projectiles? When those stars hit the ground, they ended up as chunks of metal. Star metal. The kind that, in just about any fantasy setting, will wreck the shit out of anything, but most especially supernatural creatures, like, oh, I don't know, say a giant made of shadows?

So yeah, I took a shotgun blast to the chest, one filled with something specially designed to lay out guys like me. Several, in fact. At the same fucking time.

I was knocked flat on my ass, naturally, and I think that the fact that I had enough alcohol running through my system to inebriate an army kept me from passing out in pain. Still, it felt like someone had just emptied a clip into me while wearing a bulletproof vest (I went through that once for a $500 bet, and I promise you, it is an experience you do not want to repeat if you can help it). And why it didn't kill me?

I ate a star, and was now the alicorn of stars. So, while they could certainly hurt like the God Emperor of Motherfuckers, rounds made of star metal wouldn't be fatal. Instead, they had succeeded in pissing me right the fuck off...

"ALRIGHT, YOU PORCINE FUCKS, THAT DOES IT!!!" I rose to my shadowy feet, and began slamming my fist on the ramparts. "I AM GOING TO GUT YOU, CARVE YOU UP, FRY YOU, AND MAKE BACON SANDWICHES OUT OF THE LOT OF YOU!!!" I shot a hand forward, to a group of armored hogs who were desperately trying to reload, and grabbed the cannon, crushing it easily. As I did, my hand brushed the cannonballs... which stuck. As I watched in awe, I saw the metal melt, crawl down my arm, and join the star in the middle of my chest. I also noticed that the rounds that had filled my chest were gone...

*Are you thinking what I am?*

I grinned, held up a hand, and flexed some mental muscle. The metal that had just vanished into the star on my chest came out, and spread over my right hand, forming a metal gauntlet, the fingers tipped with sharp claws. With a thought, the gauntlet melted and returned to my chest

*Instant armor and weaponry. Impressive.*

'Nanomachines, son!'

I turned my attention back to the boarcs, and...

"Shamans! Pin him!"

And that was when I learned the second reason why the boarcs were able to subdue the fiends: Diretusk wasn't the only magic user in their ranks. They had plenty of spell casters of their own, mixed in with the regular soldiers: No feathers, no fancy staffs, they were in regular uniform like the others, so it was impossible to tell them from their more mundane comrades... but there were hundreds of them, enough to pin an alicorn, a fiend, or a shadow giant...

Suddenly, I found myself paralyzed. I couldn't move, couldn't blink... couldn't even breathe. If I hadn't been in shadow form, I'd have suffocated in minutes. Instead, I was a sitting duck.

"Reload the cannons, this time with the Nth metal rounds!"

*Uh oh.*

'That doesn't sound good.'

*It isn't. Nth metal negates magic, and in this form, we're almost pure magic. If one of those rounds hit us when we're in this state...*

I didn't need him to draw me a picture, but I was powerless to move a muscle. I couldn't even change us back to alicorn mode. We were stuck...

*I really didn't want to have to do this...*

'Do wha...!'

Suddenly, my shadow shot up, like some sort of a snake with the head of a unicorn. Two eyes, with red irises and green where the whites would normally be, opened wide, as did a mouth filled with teeth sufficient to make a shark jealous. It spoke a single word.

"Stop."

And all of the activity on the castle walls halted, as if someone had hit the great cosmic pause button in the sky. The boarcs, soldiers and shamans all, froze in place, trembling. They weren't paralyzed, but rather frozen with fear.

"You have done well to have come as far as you have," the voice admitted, as it gazed over the boarcs with a look that expressed, if not admiration, then at least respect. "You are well trained, and you are strong. However, there are things that transcend training. That are beyond strength." The shadow's mouth took on an evil grin, and said, "Let me show them to you."
----------------------------------------

From the journal of Sgt Boris Boarinsky, Artillery.

"Let me show them to you."

In an instant, there was a flash of light, and when my vision cleared, I was standing in a forest. I looked around, and found a piece of paper nailed to a tree. I approached it, curious, and read it. It said, simply, "Always Watching. No Eyes." As I read that last word, I saw a flicker of movement to my right. I turned, and saw...

A figure stood amid the trees, a good distance away. It stood on two legs, had two arms, and was mostly clothed in some manner of black garment. It was its face, however, that drew my full attention, or perhaps I should say it was the lack of a face... It was bone white, and devoid of any features...

I had always considered myself a brave boarc. I was there when we captured Crunch the Stone Hound, and looked the beast right in the eyes as he stormed our position, just before we fired the round that rendered him unconscious. But when I saw that thing's face, I was overcome with a feeling of such dread that I cannot put it into words. When I looked upon that thing, I knew only that death and madness would find me if I didn't flee then and there. I turned, and...

And it was there, still distant, but closer. I know I didn't see it move. In fact, it was so still that I would swear it had always been there. Real fear began to creep into my heart as I turned again...

And there he was again, even closer...

I turned again, and he was suddenly close enough to touch...

I blacked out...

I don't know what it was I saw, and I've been told it was just an illusion, but some days I swear, I see it standing out among the trees outside my cabin... watching me...
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From the journal of Lieutenant Pork Hogins, Shamanic forces.

"Let me show them to you."

In the blink of an eye, I found myself in a strange town, with buildings of an architecture I could not recognize, from what I could see. Most of the town was shrouded, however, in fog, thick enough that I could almost swear it was solid. I saw a sign to my left, and turned to read it. Even though the language was unfamiliar to me, it seemed to untangle itself in my head, becoming the words, "Welcome to Silent Hill." I saw a strange box nearby, and I suddenly heard a strange crackling sound from it.

It was almost immediately afterwards that I heard the sound of metal on stone. I turned and saw a figure approaching at a walk, dragging a sword behind it. It was bipedal, I think, with its lower half clad in a dirty, no, grimy kilt that reached all the way to the ground, and with the upper half of its torso bare, revealing grimy, chalk white skin. However, it was the ornamentation upon its head that was the most arresting: Its head was encased in a strangely pyramidal helmet, with no slots of eyes or ears. However, it approached me with a level of surety that spoke of senses that that transcended vision or hearing.

And I saw other, stranger, more grotesque things coming out of the fog, following in its wake.

I turned and ran, and as I did, I heard a siren, and the town began to change...

I... can't write any more. I'm sorry. There are some things no one should go through twice, not even in memory...
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From the journal of General Dire Swineson, former warden of Dire Keep.

"Let me show them to you."

I blinked, and I found myself inside of a building of some sort, of a type I had never seen the like of, before or since. I was in some sort of... office? I don't know. I wasn't given much time to study my surroundings, as I suddenly heard a ringing noise, and suddenly a voice said, "Hello, helloooo? Well, if you're hearing this, chances are you made a very poor career choice..."

I suddenly heard a noise, one that sounded similar to a suit of old, rusted armor in motion, and turned...

The thing I saw wore a costume that looked like a caricature of a rabbit, but it was old, falling apart, and as it opened its mouth...

I saw something inside. Whatever it was, it had once been alive, but was rotting... and yet it glared at me with an animosity so intense that I knew, without having to be told, that it wanted nothing less than to end my life in the most violent way imaginable...

I've fought the undead before, but somehow I knew in my heart that fighting that thing here, in what could only be its place of power, would mean death and worse than death.

I turned to run, and saw... others...

I... I'm sorry. I can't go on...

...

Even now, bears, rabbits, foxes, and yellow birds scare the dung right out of me. And don't even get me started on balloons...
-----------------------------------

As I tiptoed around the shrieking, huddling boarcs, I couldn't help but feel a little pity for them as I took their star metal cannonballs and absorbed them. They were all clearly terrified of whatever it was they were seeing.

'What did you do to them?'

*I know a spell that can trap individuals in their worst nightmares. However, since these are trained soldiers, they're not exactly that easy to frighten, even by the things that scare them most, so the spell normally wouldn't be effective. Instead, I've trapped them in some of the worst nightmares your world has ever created.*

'Like what?'

*Slender Man, Silent Hill, Five Nights At Freddy's. That kind of thing. A few Creepypastas for variety. They'll be like this for several hours, so now we have plenty of time to go about our business.*

'...Damn, Sombra, you are one scary son of a bitch.'

*I didn't get to be the ruler of the Crystal Empire by being nice.*

'Yeah, and look how that turned out for you.'

*Touche. Let's hurry up and finish, so we can move on to Diretusk's hidden arsenal of magical artifacts. I doubt the others will have problems like we did, but it would be best if we hurry: I don't think they saw us having problems, and it would be best for morale if nopony knew how close we came to getting killed just now.*

'True. So... when were you going to tell me you weren't just a ghost in my head?'

*We'll discuss that later. For now, focus on the task at hoof. I think I got all the boarcs on the ramparts with that spell, but if there are any we missed, I'd rather we not get caught off guard. Plus, the castle is likely full of boarcs who are mobilizing for battle, and if the bugbear doesn't side with us, we'll be fighting them alone until Storm Cloud finishes her business.*

'Right. I wonder how the others are doing...'
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Acorn nodded at the bugbear as it went by. As a changeling, she shared a level of understanding with the half-insect creature that most other entities could never approach, and that rapport had made it easy to communicate the overall plan, including the idea of a long-term alliance. While the beast was no fan of ponies, it was currently much more interested in visiting some retribution upon the boarcs, and would be happy to do so on ponykind's behalf as repayment for his freedom. After the captives were free, and everyone had finished their respective tasks, the bugbear had agreed to meet at the planned rendezvous point, for extraction back to Sanctuary. From there... well, they'd see how things went.

The disguised changeling located a ring of keys hanging from one of the walls, and after unlocking one cell, handed them to a mare with instructions to free the rest, but quietly, as the jailor, while definitely asleep upon Acorn's arrival, and driven further unconscious through a precise blow to the back of the head, might still awaken if too much noise was made. With that, she turned her attention to the Smooze, and began determining the best way to free the blobby creature...

She'd likely need a hammer...
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Storm Cloud looked down at the sleeping Raptorians with an expression of supreme disdain. She could easily kill them where they slept, but that wouldn't be... proper. Instead, she cleared her throat, startling them into wakefulness. She said, simply, "My name is Storm Cloud. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

And then... she did what she did best. She was a knight, trained by one of the greatest that had ever lived, and as strong as any two stallions even before she had become an alicorn. Now? Now she was strong enough, and fast enough, that defeating her foes was practically foal's play, even with her slight inebriation. She hadn't needed a single spell: Instead, she beat the three of them to death with her bare hooves.

Five minutes later, she wiped the blood off of her hooves on one of the corpses of her slain foes. She did not, as a rule, feel satisfaction in killing other beings, but she had to admit, she felt a level of pride at a job well done. The death of the Raptorians would not bring her father back. However, it might help his spirit rest easier, and would certainly keep the feathered and fanged wretches from hurting anypony else...
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Crunch the Stone Hound had been startled from his slumber at the sound of cannonfire, but otherwise had not moved. His orders were clear: Stay put until master's return. So, he remained in the catacombs... waiting.

Until he suddenly found he was not alone. A goatish shadow filled a corner of the room, with red eyes staring out at him.

"Grogar."

"Crunch. My, how the mighty have fallen."

The stone hound scowled, and said, "Begone. We were allies once, but those days are long past. The master commanded that I remain in the catacombs, but that won't stop me from tearing you apart if you irk me."

The shadow chuckled and said, "Well, I actually wanted to talk to you about that." Suddenly, the shadow's eyes flashed, and Crunch went very still.

"Now," Grogar asked, "who is your master?"

"You are," the re-subjugated stone hound said, bowing. "You, and only you."

"Good dog. Now, I want you to go up to the castle courtyard, and kill anything you find. Understand?" The dog nodded. "Good boy. Oh, and don't worry, you won't be on your own up there: I just finished... recruiting Squirk a few minutes ago. I'll be teleporting him to you shortly. You and he are to work together, understand?"

The stone hound bowed, and said, "Your will, master."

"Good dog."

As the stone hound left the catacombs, Grogar chuckled to himself: With any luck, they'd all destroy one another, and then only the two true fiends in the Crystal Empire would remain. If not, then either Sombra and his mares would go and do the job, or the two subjugated fiends would do so while Grogar claimed Sanctuary for his own devices. So, no matter what the outcome, Grogar would win...

Interlude: Today I Crush All Negativity

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My big brother was the biggest, bravest stallion that ever lived.

The other fillies, and some of the mares, say I'm exag... exag... making it up, but I'm not. I'm only five, but I know there can't be two stallions as great as he was.

My name is Shiny Trinket. My brother's name was Iron Hoof, and he was a blacksmith. He could make or repair anything with his hammer and anvil. Anything. It was once joked that, if Princess Luna ever wanted the craters in the moon fixed, she could have taken it to Iron's forge, and he'd have it all done in half an hour.

But he was so humble that most ponies outside of our village had never heard of him. Even when we moved to Canterlot, most ponies hardly ever heard his name, even though he was the personal armoror for the princesses' royal guard.

He was everything that a stallion should be: Kind, humble, gentle, and brave, he didn't waste words, preferring to let his actions do the talking...

And strong. He was so strong...

When he needed to move his forge from our village down into Canterlot, he carried everything he needed on his back, including all of his hammers, his pliers, his bellows for the forge, and all twelve of his anvils. At once. On the same trip. And after carrying it more than thirty miles in a single day, he was still in fine enough shape to help unload it all, AND help me and the rest of the family unload the cart that he'd hauled along behind him. And believe me, it was one big cart.

We earth ponies grow up strong, dontcha know?

When the sun and moon collided, and Commander Hurricane began gathering strong stallions to face them, my brother volunteered, but the commander told him no: My brother had been sick that week, and was barely able to stand. While he couldn't fault my brother's courage, he wouldn't force a sick stallion to march out to face the fiends. Besides, with mommy and daddy having passed away just a few weeks before, my brother needed to stay with me to keep me safe.

Weeks later, everything was going bad. Really bad.

But there was hope: My brother and I had left Canterlot with a group of aristo... aristo... noble ponies, who had planned to go overseas and meet with the leaders of nations who had been Equestria's allies. They had hoped that the griffins, the minotaurs, and everybody else would help us eva... eva... leave Equestria, and takes us someplace where we could be safe.

And it was our bad luck that, two days out at sea, we ran right into the Boarc fleet.

We had hoped, at first, that the boarcs were there to help, but when the first round of cannon fire crossed our bows, those hopes were quickly dashed. The captain threw up the white flag, thinking that the previous attack was a warning shot... and a minute later, was reduced to a red mist when another cannonball hit him dead on. The boarcs weren't going to risk us escaping, to tell other nations that Equestria was in danger, and to rally others to our aid. No, they were going to take over, take everything, and sail off before anyone know what was going on...

A lot of the other ponies started crying, afraid. My brother, who had signed on as a bodyguard because he was so big and strong?

He just got mad.

As the biggest, baddest ship of the Boarc fleet approached, my brother, in armor that he had crafted himself, picked up his lance in his teeth, and as one of the cannons fired a shot fit to blow us out of the water, my brother swung his lance, struck the cannonball...

...and sent it flying right back into the cannon that had fired it.

The cannon exploded, and as the Boarc ship erupted into fire and chaos, my brother dashed across the deck of our ship, and jumped, landing on the deck of the boarc's flagship.

Oh, how I wish you could have seen the battle that followed. The boarcs hadn't been expecting a fight on their ship, so hardly any of them were armed or armored, and most of them were sailors, not soldiers. My brother might not have been a soldier, but he was as big and as strong as any five stallions you've ever met put together. As other ships began sailing over, trying to render aid, my brother held his ground against them.

My brother could not be beaten, not by dozens, not by hundreds! Part of it was his armor: My brother wore special armor, made from something he called Nth metal. He said that while wearing it, wizards couldn't use magic against him. But it wasn't just Nth metal: Adamantine, mythril, if there was ever a metal that worked well in armor, my brother's armor had it, and then some. The only way that the boarcs could take him down was with cannonfire, and they couldn't, because their ruler was on the very ship my brother was fighting on.

How do I know that? Because Diretusk's personal bodyguard, the Swineherd, climbed up onto the deck, and started going hoof to trotter with my big brother...

And if you think the fight from before was something to see, you hadn't seen anything yet: The biggest, strongest Boarc that ever lived, versus the biggest, strongest earth pony that ever lived. You could have sold tickets for an event like that. The two of them were fighting all out, and matched one another blow for blow. It was a battle that the bards would have sung epics about.

I was so busy watching the fight that I didn't notice that the ship I was on was sailing away. I didn't see why until the massive tenta... tenta... grabby-thingies of Squirk, the sea fiend, appeared, and started pulling down ships, one by one. We had to flee, the sailors told me: Squirk was quickly working his way towards us, taking down ships as he went. If we had stayed, then we all would have died.

All I could do was cry as the ship I was on sailed away, back to Equestria, leaving my brother behind, to a fate unknown...

The other fillies tell me that there was no way my brother was so strong. These days, they make up stories about him, in good fun, mostly.

They say stuff like, "Princesses Celestia and Luna had to use magic to move the sun and moon. All Iron Hoof had to do was glare at them, and they moved all on their own." "Lightning doesn't strike Iron Hoof; Iron Hoof strikes lightning." "Iron Hoof does not sleep, he waits." "Iron Hoof didn't need a forge, hammer, or an anvil to work metal: He would just pick up the metal, melt it with an angry stare, and then beat it into shape with his bare hooves." And so on.

If they had only seen him back then, they'd realize that, no matter what story they made up about him, it would never match the real thing...
-------------------------------------------

That was then...
--------------------------------------------

This is now.

As Acorn began studying the glass globe that contained Smooze, hoping to find a better solution than just breaking the glass, she was so focused on her task that she failed to notice a second boarc, the jailer's assistant, coming down a stairway on her right. The first she knew of him was when he slammed into her, at a full charge, with enough force to knock her off her hooves and into a nearby wall.

The blow was so severe that the normally reserved changeling let out a cry of pain. Acorn would have been embarrassed to admit that it was a particularly loud one...

The boarc who had struck her, who just seconds ago, was all fury and rage, suddenly looked terrified. "Don't be so loud," he whispered, pointing at a door he was standing in front of, a massive one bound with chains and a large bar across it, and also covered with magic runes. "You'll wake him up!"

But Iron Hoof does not sleep, he waits.

The door suddenly flew off of its hinges, taking the chains, the bar, and most of the wall with it, flattening the boarc against the opposite wall with such force that the boarc was thrown through it... and possibly through several others, although from where Acorn lay, it was difficult to be sure.

As the dust and wreckage cleared, a massive, impressively muscled pony with a gray coat, a black mane, and an anvil for a cutie mark emerged, a scowl on his face. "Ah'm already up," he said to what little was probably left of the boarc.

The jailer, surprisingly, slept through the entire thing, or perhaps was only pretending to sleep, lest he draw the ire of a stallion who could do that kind of damage with his bare hooves.

Taking in the appearance of the stallion, Acorn asked, "Would you happen to be Iron Hoof?"

The stallion nodded, and said, "Eeyup."

"Your sister speaks well of you," the disguised changeling said, then admitted, "although her description of you didn't do you justice."

Today I Reach For The Stars

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Before I go any further, there's a final piece of info about poko I need to disclose.

There is a concept that some people back home call the Ballmer Peak. It's almost an urban legend among computer programmers, and yet it does sometimes happen. The idea is that, when a human's blood alcohol level reaches a point between .129% and .138%, that human gains potentially superhuman coding capabilities. There is, in fact, some level of scientific study that supports this, as studies show that low level inebriation aids in the learning of new languages, and more than a few pro poker players actually play drunk, as they find it actually improves their ability to play. Heck, in World of Warcraft, drunk raids are a real thing, and drunk wizards and healers are actually sought after, as they prove to be more effective than sober ones (Likely because on a stressful raid, a drunk player is a lot more relaxed than a sober player). Hell, one of the founding legends of drunken kung fu involves a middling martial artist, prior to a battle with several experts, getting drunk, and his inebriation turned his still somewhat awkward kung fu into that of a master. Alcohol can be weird like that, sometimes. Or maybe I should say, the human or equine brain can be weird like that sometimes.

I've heard it called a lot of things beyond the Ballmer Peak, including Beyond Drunk. The point is, sometimes, when enough alcohol is consumed, something happens in the brain of a person, and instead of becoming stumbling, mumbling idiot, they temporarily gain abilities well beyond what they are normally capable of. This is not something that can be predicted, intentionally induced, or called upon at will, and most people who try fail horribly...

But the creators of poko tried anyways... and in a sense, they succeeded.

It could only work with creatures in the weight class of alicorns: The theory was that with the right combination of drinks, plus stimulants to counteract the depressant effects of alcohol, an individual can be put into a state like the Ballmer Peak. Normally, this blend would be potentially fatal to an ordinary person, but to an alicorn, fiend, or creatures of that kidney, the blend does nothing more than grant the grandaddy of all hangovers when the bender is over. It is not a true Ballmer Peak, though: Someone on the Ballmer Peak might keep going for hours, or even days, so long as the booze keeps coming. However, after the stimulants of the first drink of poko wear off, nothing you can do is going to put you back into that state: Typically, the stimulants wearing off cause whoever drank poko to fall dead asleep. Even if it doesn't, drinking poko a second time won't work, since the balance is off, and the alcohol is now much stronger than the stimulants. You'd have to completely reformulate a new beverage to put you back into that state. So, once that first drink loses its punch, you turn from a drunken genius to a drunken idiot...

However, sometimes, just sometimes... a miracle can happen.
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'Okay', I thought, as I tiptoed past nightmare-ified guards in alicorn form, 'I think I've got it, but run it by me again so I can be sure.'

*Alright. The revival spell that brought us back was intended to bring a living pony back. However, I am an Umbrum, a creature of shadows. While I did have a physical body, it was a shell to hide my true form. So, because of that, the revival spell would succeed in reviving me, but it would revive my shell separately. So, that left a space for your spirit to occupy it.*

'I follow so far.'

*I can do a lot in my current state, more than I could before my defeat, but I'm no hero, and my spells aren't as effective on fiends as they would be on ordinary ponies. So I needed someone to occupy my physical form. I selected you, out of the many instances of myself not yet undone by by defeat by the Elements of Harmony, to be that someone.*

'Right. You said I was the most qualified, in fact.'

*Yes. Many of my alternate selves were cut from cloth similar to my own: Grant them power, and they'll become something as bad as, or worse than, the fiends. While I had many designs of my own at the beginning of all this, they all depended on all life on the planet not dying due to the fiends and what happened to the sun and moon, and facing those problems required a hero, not a villain. So, I'd planned on letting you work on fixing the world, with a bit of help from me, and once that was done, I could slip off and work on freeing my kin.*

'But you're not wanting to do that anymore?'

*Not before I get some answers. You were right about one thing: There were questions I need to ask, ones I should have asked a year ago, but was just not wise enough to think of them. I think I was being played as a pawn, in a game where dozens, or maybe even hundreds, had already been cast away by my... progenitor. I think that filly back in Sanctuary, the one Chestnut Falls brought with her, may simply be the latest in a long line of attempts, one that neither started, nor ended, with me.*

'Yikes. Well, that brings me up to date, more or less. But the spell did make me flesh and blood, right? I'm not going to come apart if someone hits me with a hammer?'

*No more than any other pony would. You're more flesh and blood than I ever was. We're almost to the courtyard now, you could change back to shadow form if you want.*

'Not yet. Those Nth metal cannon balls might not be the only thing that the Boarcs have that could negate magic. If they have more 'kryptonite' to throw my way, I'd rather be a small target than a big one.'

*Good idea. I don't know what the sudden depletion of magic would do to our physical body, but it would likely be painful, especially if it hits the portion that would normally make up a vital organ.*

'Exactly... wait, what's that sound?'

It was then that Crunch, the stone hound, erupted from the ground. I should have realized that something was coming: The courtyard was easily the size of a football field, giving plenty of room for movement. It was the perfect place for a boss battle, and even if Equestria isn't a video game, it did follow some of the tropes for such things.

Fun fact: Being the embodiment of elemental stone, Crunch treats things like stone walls, floors, and ceilings as suggestions. Wood can delay him, but anything made of stone, or even most metals, just amuses him. A number of pony settlements found that out the hard way. Crunch is also a gigantic, multi-ton bulldog made of stone, so most wooden barricades are little more than a minor annoyance to him.

This was the first time I'd ever been on the ground while facing a fiend in my flesh and blood form. When I fough Arabus, I was flying at eye level, and when I fought Tirek, I'd already been in Shadow Giant mode. Now, for the first time, I was seeing a fiend the way that an ordinary pony might. The stone hound stared down at me as little cascades of dirt and stone trickle off of him, a look of absolute contempt upon his face. To him, I was less than pony, I was a bug, something to be crushed underfoot.

Yeah, well, I'm a gamer: I've practically made a career out of killing things that are bigger, meaner, stronger, and uglier than I am, and given that I was rapidly approaching peak inebriation, I surely wasn't going to back down from a challenge.

"Alright, Fido," I said, glaring up at the massive canine, "you can either go back down your hole and wait for me to decide I'm ready to kill you, or you can start something now, and I'll make you my bitch in every possible sense of the word." Seriously, for a creature made of stone, all I'd really need is a hammer and chisel and I could spay or neuter this pet, and with a little extra work, I'd be able to to perform a complete sex change operation. I imagine that going from Crunch to Crunch-ette would have been enough to take the fight out of him.

I'd like to think that he looked a little bit worried by that remark: It had been a while since he'd had a pony stand up to him, and given that Celestia and Luna had locked him up once before, he had to view alicorns with something like respect, if not outright fear.

However...

*INCOMING!!!*

With a flap of my wings, I hopped back, just seconds before a massive harpoon, of all things, slammed into the ground where I had been standing just moments ago. The harpoon was followed by a massive red octopus/squid monster that fell from on high. It was at least as massive as the dog, if not larger.

Grogar had worked out the weakness to the anti-teleportation wards that protected Diretusk's doom fortress: Just like they only extended about a quarter mile outside of his boundaries, the wards were also fairly limited in how far up they went. Hence, he'd just dropped an armed and angry sea creature in from up above. Few creatures could survive such treatment, but fiends are pretty tough.

Still...

*Squirk, the sea fiend. This is bad: He's not very mobile on land, but in close quarters, he's a definite menace...*

'Bullshit.'

*What?*

'BULLSHIT!!! A multi-ton cephalopod has no internal skeleton, no real means of internal support at all! They can only exist in a weightless environment, and because of that, they're practically worthless on land! Without any internal support, a creature of his size and mass should be crushed to death under its own weight! Hell, he should have splattered all across the courtyard on impact!'

*Equestria's rules are not your world's rules.*

'ARE THERE EVEN ANY FUCKING RULES ON THIS BATSHIT CRAZY PLANET?'

Squirk whipped out a tentacle, and pulled out his harpoon from the ground. While the shaft of the weapon was clearly some manner of enchanted metal, the head was radically different: It was black, and seemed less like a metal, and more like a hole in the world...

*Nth metal, bound to an enchanted adamant shaft with lead. In shadow form, that head could be deadly, but the shaft may be just as dangerous. Be careful.*

'Where would he have gotten that?'

*The fiend who rules the seas has access to anything that has ever sunken into the deeps, including any weapon that someone may have used to try and slay him. He may be out of his element, but that weapon, combined with his natural reach and flexibility, make for a deadly combination. I'd recommend fleeing: This is a threat beyond our current abilities.*

As the spawn of Cthulhu and a surprised octopus climbed up upon Crunch's back and readied his harpoon for an attack, I took stock: Under most circumstances, I'd have seriously considered just calling off the raid and running as Sombra advised. Two fiends at once would be extremely dangerous, under any circumstances. But here, they had a weapon that could end me in my most potentially powerful form, and while I more or less had shadow mode down, I was still an utter n00b when it came to my alicorn powers. Worse, these were very close quarters, and I expected that if I tried to fly, I'd get swatted out of the air. Worse, any spell that might potentially wipe the two of them out in one hit would no doubt demolish the doom fortress, and I had people in there, not to mention boarcs whose only crime was following their ruler's commands on an expedition to conquer a kingdom.

But if I ran, I'd be leaving Storm Cloud and Acorn, along with all of the captured ponies, to their fate, and while Storm Cloud was an alicorn, the rest of the ponies couldn't hope to survive two fiends running amok out here. I could only hope that Storm Cloud would hear the commotion and show up soon...

In the meantime, while I doubted that I could kill these two, I could at least keep them busy for a bit...

As my opening move, I did the one thing the fiends would not have expected: I ran forward, and dove underneath Crunch, Squirk's massive harpoon passing bare inches above my head. As I regained my hooves, I came up with a plan of attack: Crunch might be made of stone, but he needed four legs to carry his mass around. Damage a leg, and he'll be slowed down.

'FACE LASERS!!!'

I shot a laser beam from my horn, one that was startling in its brightness and intensity. It struck true on Crunch's left hind leg, and the limb turned a bright red in seconds. I was rewarded by a whine of pain by the canine. Not wanting to press my luck, in case the stone mutt decided to just fall on his belly and crush me, I dove out between Crunch's hind legs as cracks began to form in the weakened stone. I just barely made it out before the leg exploded into a shower of stone shards and molten magma. As I did so, I saw something else.

'I should have aimed a bit higher...'

*Yes, I imagine an impromptu neutering would have taken much of the fight out of... LOOK OUT!!!*

Sombra's warning almost came to late, and Squirk slammed the butt of his harpoon down on me with all the strength that eight limbs made of pure muscle can manage, and boosted by the enchantments on the shaft of the weapon. The star metal inside my body formed a shield upon my back, which blunted the blow somewhat, but the end result was still like being hit with a telephone pole made of solid steel, and wielded by the Incredible Hulk, while simultaneously having fifty thousand volts running through your body.

I was fully inebriated now, so I was feeling no pain. but I... I heard bones crack, I smelled the unmistakable aroma of burning flesh, and had I been anything other than an alicorn, I think that would have ended me, then and there. Alicorns are hardy, though, and while the blow broke bones, and burnt me badly, I was already regenerating. Not something I can recommend, by the way: Injuries hurt almost twice as bad in reverse as they do the first time around, something they don't mention in the comics, although its something I didn't learn until later.

Still, it takes time to recover from a blow like that, and as I saw Squirk raise the harpoon up again, this time with the Nth metal tip poised above my head, I knew he wasn't going to give me the chance. While my body seemed ready to bounce back quickly from such a powerful blow, there had to be a point by which I would die before my regeneration could undo the worst of the damage. It might take one blow, or dozens, but the look in Squirk's eyes told me that he would not stop until the mangled pile of meat that my body was about to become stopped twitching...

And that was when Storm Cloud appeared, hitting the fiend with a full-powered drop kick to the face, sufficient to knock the beast halfway off of his canine mount. She followed that blow up with several quick darting attacks, none of which had the same stopping power of her first strike but enough to keep Squirk occupied...

But within seconds, Crunch's leg had already regenerated, and he was able to begin moving around again, and as such was able to rejoin the fray. Still, credit where it's due, Storm Cloud was able to keep both fiend's eyes on her. Still, she'd likely only be able to buy minutes at most, and would likely be pinned and slain before I finished healing from my wounds...

And to make things just perfect, that exact moment was when the stimulants in the poko decided to wear off. I suddenly felt very groggy, and had the situation not been so dire, I might have drifted off to sleep. Instead, I just struggled to get out of the small crater that Squick's blow had left in the ground, with a Sombra shaped dent in the middle.

As I rolled over onto my back, after a failed attempt to regain my feet/hooves, I looked up at the sky, and....

...something happened inside my head. I may never know for certain, but I think that I hit the Ballmer Peak, or something like it. What I do know is that, in my drunken and injured brain, a thought took hold. An epiphany.
-----------------------------------------

Author's Note: The changes begin here.
------------------------------------------

What I saw above me was stars on a canopy of darkness. The night sky, darkness and light together.

Darkness and light... together.

'Hey Sombra... do you think the two of us could fuse together?'

*...What.*

'We were brought back to life together, and we're joined at the hip right now. Your powers run off of fear and hate, right? While I don't have much in the way of fear, I think I can give you enough hate to get us through this, easy. Alicorn powers plus Umbrum powers could equal an unstoppable juggernaut of badassery. If we combine, your powers and my mine, we'll be able to thrash those two losers.'

*Under other circumstances, the idea would have merit: We're partially 'fused' already, me being your shadow and all. Taking it to the next level wouldn't be complicated. That spear is a problem, though, and you're injured. Alicornic regeneration aside, putting that kind of strain on your body is risky. Another injury, especially in shadow form, could be fatal. And there's the question of what might happen if we end up stuck together.*

'Who dares, wins. I have a plan this time. We'll be able to kill him in shadow form. Trust me.'

*...I trust you. I'll begin the process.*

'And Sombra... it's your turn to pick the music.'

*...Ha! Thanks. I'll make it a good one.*
-----------------------------------------

Storm Cloud was having a rough time against the two fiends: While the size differential, combined with her own natural speed and agility, made her a hard target to hit, she'd not had time to practice using alicorn magic, so naturally it was an uneven fight. All it would take is a single misstep, and she'd be done for.

'Father,' she thought to herself, 'I may be seeing you sooner than I thought...'

And then... a massive column darkness erupted from the ground behind the fiends...
-------------------------------------------

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8ryM7fEYVs

So glad he didn't pick 'One Winged Angel'. That song's been done to death.

As we emerged from the shrinking column of darkness, Sombra took stock: Our body didn't... look different, but it certainly felt different. The power of my hatred filled our body, and threatened to overwhelm us.

*Where is this hatred coming from, Ambrose?* I've never felt anything like it from you before.*

'My parents my parents my parents my parents hate hate hate hate hate!!!'

*Ambrose?*

'Hurry hurry hurry hard to keep in control hate parents hate parents hate parents hate kill!'

*Okay, but how? You're the guy with plan.*

'Parasyte parasyte parasyte manga, stretchy stretchy slashy stabby murder murder splashy bloody kill!'

*I... okay. Got it. Keep it together Ambrose. I'll make this quick.*

I... wasn't as mellow about my parents back then. When the truth came out and I found out about the details of my birth... I admit I kinda went a little crazy. Okay, more than a little. My hatred for them came within a hair's breadth of causing me to have a psychotic break. If I'd not had friends to see me through it... Anyway, the entire thing left me with a mountain of issues, but I was good at keeping it under control as long as I didn't think about it. But, when I slipped, and started letting those emotions run wild...

Well, you'll see.

"Step right up, step right up, gentlemen!" we shouted at the fiends, our face creased into a nightmarish grin and our arms spread wide. "The murder train is in the station! Who wants their ticket punched first?!"

While the two fiends were equally stunned by my sudden proclamation, Squirk was the first to respond, thrusting his spear at me. My fingers stretched impossibly long, there was a sudden flash of movement, and the head of the spear fell to the ground with a thud. Adamant shaft and nth metal head it may have been, but the two were joined together with melted lead. A ribbon of shadow, tipped with a blade of purloined starmetal, was able to sever the head surgically. And that's not all...

See, the pecking order is star metal, then adamant, and then everything else.

Squirk watched in horror as the shaft of the spear he'd brought, the one he'd thought the perfect weapon to kill me with... fell to pieces. Quickly followed by his tentacles. And then the rest of him. While it wasn't quite enough to kill him (An octopus can regenerate lost limbs, and a magical super octopus can regenerate just about everything, and a whole lot faster), being suddenly reduced to cubes one inch wide was enough to take him out of the fight for a few minutes, leaving just Crunch to deal with.

Parasyte? Oh, right, sorry. It was a manga I'd read a couple of years back. I think they were making an anime of it before I got sent here. I'll spare you the details, but the main idea of it was based around a race of creatures that could polymorph their bodies any way they liked, including into weapons. They had the advantage of being able to move faster than the eye could follow, so many fights involving them ended quickly, violently, and messily.

And as I'd demonstrated with Arabus, my body was a lot more... flexible in shadow form, and Sombra's ability to transform hate into power was able to supercharge that ability, allowing me to shift my body on the fly far faster than before, and the addition of starmetal made my body a deadly weapon... and creating tentacles of violent insta-murder was just the start of it.

"While he pulls himself together," we said, turning towards Crunch, our maniacal grin showing more teeth than a T-Rex, and with a grin with slightly less compassion than the king of the dinos, "how about we play fetch, Fido?"

Funny thing about Subjugation spells: It is possible to gain resistance to them. Had the big stone puppy still been under Diretusk's control alone, he would likely have fought to the death without question, or without feeling anything. Instead, due to Grogar's overwriting Diretusk's control, Crunch could feel things to a certain degree. A look of genuine fear crossed his face.

My grin grew bigger, more terrible still: He might have been stone, and able to reassemble himself, but the fact that he could feel fear told me that he could be killed... and Sombra was a master of fear.

Our eyes glowed green and red...

And I saw it: Crunch's fear. His greatest fear. We saw a small stone, red in color. Crunch's heart. His weakness: His body worked like Genbu in Yu Yu Hakusho. Destroy the one stone, and he would fall to pieces... and we could see exactly where it was now.

We extended our right hand towards the stone hound, and then extended one finger... and then we extended that one finger further.

The starmetal-tipped appendage shot forward with the speed of a bullet, and pierced through the stone beast's body as if it were warm butter. We struck Crunch's heart, and it shattered. We retracted our finger, and grinned even wider as the stone hound collapsed, dead in a heartbeat. We then turned our attentions back to the slowly reforming Squirk.

*And how do we destroy him?*

'Zetta beam zetta beam burn burn burn burn kill!'

Yes. Yes, we did hit Squirk with eye-lasers. Fucking eye-lasers. My eyes still sting when I think about it. Trust me, eyeball lasers may sound cool, but they fucking hurt. Light is supposed to go into the eyes, not out, my friend. Remind me to tell you the story of Laser Pony sometime. Still, as the smell of baked octopus filled the air, I knew that Squirk wasn't coming back.

*Okay, mission accomplished. Let's unfuse.*

'...'

*Ambrose?*

'...Heh...'

*Ambrose?!*

'Heheheheheheheheheh...'

Our, or maybe it might be better to say my, arms stretched up, and grabbed hold of a star, then ripped it from the sky. I thrust it into my mouth, and crunched down on it. Almost instantly, I felt even greater energy fill my body.

'Hahahahahahahahaha....'

I grabbed another...

'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...'

...And another...

'MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!'

Yeah. It surprises a lot of people when I confirm that, yes, that night I was the one who totally flipped my shit, and not Sombra...

I'd made a gross miscalculation: In merging with Sombra and utilizing his powers in their purest form, I had flooded my body and spirit with dark magic. Sombra, as an umbrum, was immune to the corrupting influences of dark magic, both in body and in spirit. I was in a body that had been formed based off of Sombra's shell. It was so resistant to dark magic that it might as well have been immune. But my spirit...

My spirit was human, and while the spirit of a good person is pretty resistant to the power of darkness, I had willingly given myself over to hate. Hate so strong that it could easily be called The Hate. My mind and spirit were hit with corruption, and having given myself willingly to the power of hate, my resistance was like a sheet of paper against a cannonball.

You want to know how you get Nightmare Moons? This is how you get Nightmare Moons: By trying to use the power of darkness when you're not thinking straight.

My mind and spirit were filled with greed, lust, desire... I thirsted for power, and I was intent on sating that thirst... but it was like trying to fill a bucket that had no bottom to it. Discord had warned that trying to hold too much power was hazardous to my health, and just one star could ascend me to alicorn-dom. Three days was the limit at one extra... and each one reduced that timeline by half. I'd reduced that time limit to three quarters of a day already, and I wasn't about to stop...

Today I Make A Point Of Acting With Intention (Revised, Please Read Again)

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Alright, maybe I haven't told you everything about my parents. There is something I kept back about them. There was one final act they performed. One final cruelty, a twist of the knife so terrible that it began a chain reaction that nearly drove me to madness.

You think that there are some limits to which someone will not go, some depths of darkness that someone cannot sink to, some level of perversion that would be too extreme for anyone of flesh and blood. That there are deeds so wretched that, in a fair and just world, the heavens ought to part, and lightning should strike the perpetrator down just for imagining such evil, let alone perpetrating it in real life.

And then...

*Chronicler's Note: The subject took a long moment to sigh sadly. It is almost a minute before he is able to begin again.

I was fifteen years, and three hundred and sixty four days, old, and all was, if not right, then at least not totally wrong in the world. I had friends amongst the other orphans at the orphanage, one of whom was so close as to be like a sister to me. My grades were fucking fantastic, and I was in line for a scholarship when I graduated from high school, and when you're in that kind of position at a freshman level, you know you're doing beyond outstanding. The world was a wonderful place and <Insert Deity Of Your Choice Here> was smiling down from the heavens.

And then I turned sixteen, and I learned that the world was not a beautiful place at all. I was summoned to a lawyer's office. Not just any lawyer, though: He was the kind that people hired when they wanted to use money to get away with anything up to and including murder. He was the type who would have been on OJ Simpson's legal team, had OJ had enough money to afford him. This was the kind of lawyer who had become fantastically wealthy by defending the fantastically wealthy.

And he had some... news for me.

I am going to tell you a secret, and it is a funny one, I suppose. Lawyers, or at least the ones who represent the fantastically wealthy, are among the stupidest people on the planet. In their minds, there's no actual thing called temporary insanity, that is just an excuse that the guilty use to get away with anything from parking tickets to violent murder. In their minds, no matter how hard you poke or prod a human being, he cannot actually snap, turn into a violent murderer, and then kill a man.

No, no, this isn't quite that bad. But I assure you, when I tell you what he had to tell me, you'd be baying for blood as well.

It began with legal documents: The revelation that my parents were only my parents by way of my mother having given birth to me, and my father having tried his best to raise me. That my actual biological parents were simply contributors to my DNA who had offered good money to bring a baby to term. Then the documents stating that, instead of being a viable donor for my ill-fated elder sibling, I was not a viable organ farm, and was cast aside. Worse, my birth parents were held responsible for all of the bills for everything from my conception to my birth, and the testing that followed.

He didn't need to tell me that this six-figure debt was what was ultimately responsible for the deaths of my birth parents. I was bright enough, at sixteen, to put that all together in my head.

But wait, we've not reached the actual punchline yet.

You see, the debt did not actually end with my birth father's death. It had instead been held aside until there was a family member old enough to begin making payments on it. And in the ten years and more since my father's death, that debt had gained interest. A ridiculously large amount of monthly interest... compounded daily, just to twist the knife an inch further. And as the sole heir to my birth-parent's estate, non-existant as it was, I was responsible for paying off that unholy mountain of debt that my biological parents had used to murder my birth parents with. Technically, I wouldn't be responsible until I was eighteen, but I would begin making payments literally the day after my eighteenth birthday, or I could expect to see them in court.

Yes, that's right, you heard me. They expected me to pay that debt. To them. And they didn't even have the decency to look me in the eye, but instead had a lawyer, the same lawyer who was responsible for the entire sorry scenario, deliver the news to me.

So you can understand why I was overcome with an overpowering psychotic urge to grab a letter opener, a pen, or even just use my bare hands, and murder the lawyer in front of me in one of the eighty-three thousand, two hundred and eight-two ways that swam through my mind. I had the gods' own poker face, so I could have done it without any emotion showing on my face, and he'd receive no warning until he had my hands around his throat, or a pen or letter opener lodged in any number of horrible places that could bring death either quickly and agonizingly, or slowly and inevitably. And because of the documents in front of me, I could then hunt down and deliver brutal, bloody vengence upon my biological parents as well.

This was The Hate, what I felt in this moment. I felt as if my rage in that instant could give me wings, give me the strength of a thousand men, and make me invulnerable. Sadly, this was not Equestria, where emotions are magical, and such things might actually happen. However, whatever happened, it would go badly for the lawyer, and provided I was swift, it would go equally terribly for my biological parents.

But...

If I did all of that, what would happen to Hope? Or the other kids in the orphanage? If I murdered or horrifically maimed three people, no matter how justified that might have been to me, then that would be held against the orphanage that raised me. The orphanage could be closed, the little pseudo-family there broken up and scattered to the winds. With out a big brother like me to watch over them, who knew what would happen to them?

It was that thought which kept me from going off the deep end and violently slaughtering this lawyer, my parents, and anyone who got between me and them. Instead, I politely requested copies of the documents in question, for my own personal records. The lawyer seemed hesitant, but I made a statement implying that he could give them to me, or he could give them to my lawyer tomorrow. He chose to give me the copies: He couldn't think up any legally justifiable reason not to.

For a week, I made preparations, and once everything was ready, I struck.

My hate can be slow to rise, but when it does, it does not do so with heat, but with an arctic frost.

One week after my sixteenth birthday, a series of legal documents found their way onto a forum frequented by known members of a certain group of hackers, as did a full and detailed history of what this had caused to happen, and what was expected to happen. My personal information was carefully blacked out, and my name and personal information was nowhere to be seen in the description of events, but everything else was free for anyone to see.

Heh, I still laugh, thinking about it: A wealthy family breaking a legal contract and then driving an innocent family into ruin for something they were in no way responsible for? For the ones who saw this, it was practically Christmas.

I shall now quote The Rules Of The Internet.

Rule Three: We Are Anonymous.

Rule Four: Anonymous Is Legion.

Rule Five: Anonymous Never Forgives.

Rule Six: Anonymous Can Be a Horrible, Senseless, Uncaring Monster.

Rule Seven: Anonymous Is Still Able To Deliver.

And yes, they certainly did. There is nothing quite as destructive as a team of hackers who owe no one allegience, and feel justified in whatever action they take. But the hackers were only the start: Within hours of the original post, the entire story went viral, and things exploded from there.

Ah, right, you're not from earth, so you might not fully understand the implications of what I'm telling you: Back home, the internet is a worldwide network, allowing people to communicate and share information. Sometimes, an idea or concept 'goes viral', causing it to spread all across the nation. Sometimes, when something good comes to the attention of the world, like with the whole 'Batkid' story, it brings out the best in us, and makes you believe in humanity.

*The alterations to this chapter begin here*

And sometimes, when someone has done something terrible, their crime has been exposed, and it seems like the hand of justice has faltered, then the fury of the online community can come down like the fist of an angry god.

And I was the one who had called that wrath upon both my biological parents, and the lawyer who had represented them.

Here's the thing: What my biological parents and lawyer had done was not simply unethical, but illegal as well. Due to my own lack of legal knowledge, and misunderstandings due to a couple of anime and manga I had read (Cowboy Bebop, where a character had "inherited" the debt of a person who had passed away, and The Legendary Moonlight Sculptor, where a character had inherited a debt to a group of gangsters due to having claimed inheritance from his deceased parents), I had assumed that inheriting debt was a thing that could happen due to a legal contract. Instead, not only was that particular caveat against the law, but in the weeks to come, a law expert would post a video explaining how the entire contract was illegal, and pointed out that several "fine print" sections literally made it impossible for my birth parents to claim any recompense for having brought me to term, and would have saddled them with the hospital costs in any case, even if my birthing had miraculously caused the recovery of my elder sibling.

And this wasn't the only contract that the lawyer in question had made that would have made Perry Mason, Matlock, and Jack McCoy spontaneously manifest into our reality for the sole purpose of giving that bastard a curb stomp of epic proportions: An investigation found records of over a dozen similar contracts. All of them involved extremely wealthy clients on one side, and extremely poor individuals on the other, and always in the favor of the wealthy. And the individuals in question were always so poor that there was no way that they could hire a lawyer. Many of them were in the country illegally, so even if they could hire a lawyer, taking the case to court would result in deportation...

I'm going into too much detail there, I guess. Anyway, the point is, my birth parents were screwed from the start, and my biological parents had earned everything that was coming to them.

I will spare you the details where I can. Here's the highlight reel: Their lawyer was disbarred and went to jail. Obviously. Criminal acts like that will easily do so, even for a lawyer. He couldn't even get a decent plea deal: Attorney-client privilege prevented him from testifying against the people he'd worked on behalf of. The firm he was a part of was also put under a microscope, and a lot of illegal activity was discovered. Not just at the lower levels, either: Retrieved correspondence and testimony given by several individuals who made a plea with the DA, plus people who came forward to testify when it was clear that the firm was nearing collapse, made it clear that the corruption was not only known to the senior staff, but actively encouraged. Almost every lawyer there ended up in jail, disbarred, and disgraced. The law office itself more or less vanished off the face of the earth, and the few "survivors" of the firm's fall from grace were branded for life, and no reputable, or even disreputable, law office would ever accept them.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

As for my biological parents? Even with just the highlights, we could be here all week. All of their dirty business, not just my story, but everything that they'd ever done, was brought to light... and a lot of what they'd done was dirty. Embezzlement is a pretty serious crime, after all, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I won't disgust you with the details. They'd need a really good lawyer to get them off the hook, or at least get them off with a light sentence. Too bad theirs was going to jail. Of course, being wealthy, they could just hire another one, right?

Wrong.

Their collective fortunes vanished. A lot of the money out there in the world was digital, stored in bank accounts that could be accessed via computer, and even banks have holes in their security systems. It was determined that someone hacked into their banks, and drained their checking and savings accounts. Not just in the USA, but also their illegal accounts overseas. Whoever it was that did it was thorough: Not one penny left behind. I'd have given him a high five, if I ever met him. Then, the money was transferred digitally through a total of more than three thousand different banks across the world. It took a long time to find out what happened to that money, and by then, well, it was moot. Ultimately, the stolen funds were eventually tracked down, a couple of years after the fact. It had apparently been divided among twenty or thirty charity groups, worldwide.

My parents were left solely with what tangible assets they had left. Some cash money, their house, their cars, their condo in the Bahamas, stuff like that. Things that they could sell, but faced with impending criminal charges, nowhere near enough to pay for a lawyer skillful enough to keep clients this guilty out of jail. They'd be going from trial to trial for over a year before they served a day of their collective sentences, and nobody was going to bother offering a plea. Justice was going to be done, and seen to be done.

And the public outcry for a speedy trial to put them into prison was enormous. However, the sheer volume of charges against them worked in their favor, and caused a delay of over a month before the first trial date could be set, and while out on bail, that didn't stop everyone from knowing who they were and what they'd done. My biological parents could not go out outside without being recognized, and... well, vandalism was the least of their worries, but their cars were defaced in a variety of ways, their tires slashed, a potato stuffed into the exhaust pipes, and sugar poured into the gas tanks. I kinda felt this was a shame, since they both had really nice cars. I, personally, would have just stolen them, but that's just me.

There's more. Hours more. This all went on for over a month, after all. But brevity might be the way to go, here. To cut to the chase, I had turned my parents' lives into a public toilet, and I sat back and laughed as everyone in the world took turns taking a shit in it.

A month later, three days before the first trial date, a tape recorder was delivered discretely to their home, a tape inside. It took me a while to make it, given that I had to use a voice-distorting program I had found online and was unfamiliar with, and had to add in some artificial background noise, and make absolutely certain that no trace evidence and no fingerprints could be found on it, so as to render it impossible to trace back to me. I shall give you the message that I had painstakingly recorded upon it.

'Greeting, fuckstains. You are probably wondering who I am. I am the secret architect of your despair. I am the devil who crawled out of the hell you created. I am as Hades, god of the underworld and eternal punisher of sinners, and I am he who has rained shit upon your lives as punishment for your transgressions... and I am only just getting started. You think that this is the end of my fury? I have not even begun to fuck with your lives. This was only the prelude. Worse is coming, and will continue to come until your dying days. Your lives are my playthings, and your hopes and dreams are the toilet paper I shall wipe my ass upon from now until the end of the world. I shall vomit such misfortune upon your lives that you will beg for a death that will not come. My hatred of you will be the only constant you will ever know. That, and your endless misery. Please enjoy it, you worthless, festering sacks of shit.'

That... that recording was found, in my biological father's left hand, and a pistol in his right. The same pistol he'd used to kill my mother. Before killing himself. The suicide note indicated that this wasn't a murder-suicide, but an assisted suicide-suicide.

I had not understood, I fear, the nature of the two individuals I had sought vengeance against. The two of them were, at their cores, cowards. They hid. The hid behind money, they hid behind the law, and they hid behind lawyers. Stripped of their money, their legal protection, and their anonymity, they did what any coward would do: They took the coward's way out.

And three days later, their daughter, my little sister, the one I didn't know I had, arrived at the orphanage. At six years old, she came home to the sight of something no child should ever see. A sight that I was indeed the architect of.

In the end, they had robbed me of my victory without even knowing it: The satisfaction I had felt in ruining their lives turned to ashes on my tongue when I saw that little girl, crying her eyes out because her parents were gone. All I felt was shame... and The Hate. Not just for them, but for myself as well. That hatred is something I kept locked away in a little box inside my heart, and I had used it to power Sombra's dark magic.

And it had festered within me long enough to become a power that could rattle the heavens themselves, along with a terrible urge for self-destruction...

I Am Going To Save And/Or Destroy Equestria!

by Bucking Nonsense

It's A New Dawn, It's A New Day, It's A New Life For Me

Wherever I Am, There Is Joy And Laughter

My Day Is Filled With Delightful Surprises

Every Day Is An Adventure

Today I Face My Problems Head On

I Am Going Places

Today I Am Excited About Everything

Today I Express My Emotions Through Interpretive Dance

Interlude: I'm Not Beautiful Like You. ...I'm Beautiful Like Me.

Interlude: I Am A Brilliant And Inspiring Teacher

Today I Will Do Something Really Impressive

I Am Capable Of Many Great Things

Interlude: I Am Free To Map Out My Own Destiny

I Am A Child Of Perpetual Wonder

Interlude: I Take Inspired Action To Keep My Creative Spark Alive

My Curiosity Knows No Bounds

I Am Surrounded By People Who Love Me

Today I Am Radiant

Interlude: Today I Direct My Energies Toward Positive Goals

Interlude: Today All Possibilities Are Illuminated

Today I Reach Out To Others

Interlude: Today We Are Kittens. Tomorrow, We Are Tigers.

Today I Reach Out To Those In Need

Interlude: My Transformation Begins With Me Getting Tired Of My Own Bullshit

Today I Celebrate My Accomplishments

Today I Playfully Engage In Lighthearted Activities

Interlude: Today I Will Listen When Friends Share Their Stories

Today I Will Put A Positive Spin On Negative Situations

Interlude: Today I Crush All Negativity

Today I Reach For The Stars

Today I Make A Point Of Acting With Intention (Revised, Please Read Again)