My Day Is Filled With Delightful Surprises
I was so taken by the state of the sky that I failed to see what was on the horizon until Ladyhawke shouted...
"OH DUNG!!!" she exclaimed, her eyes widening as she pointed ahead. "The Razorbacks are coming!"
I tore my gaze from the heavens to take in more earthly concerns, and saw that something was definitely advancing upon us. A whole hellofalotta something. On the other side of a vast plain of snow, a line of black was advancing towards us. It took me a moment to fully understand what I was seeing...
It was an army. An army of boars in black metal armor. Huge boars, too, large enough to make a Russian Boar look like a piglet in comparison. Worse, there had to be THOUSANDS of the bastards, and they mere marching with the disciplined lockstep that you typically see in an extremely well-trained army. The ground was already starting to shake from the power of their mighty strides. They were moving slow, but with the sort of slow inevitability that one might normally assign to the tide coming in.
Sparkling Sunset, her tone one of disbelief, said, "But I was certain that they'd never be able to clear Frostbite Pass after the avalanche we set off..."
Taking in the sheer numbers of the advancing force, I wagered a guess and said, "With that many boars working together, it wouldn't be too difficult to clear the way." Armies the world over have learned how to dig, and dig well, and have been doing so since ancient times: The Roman Legions were trained vigorously with the use of their shovels, far more than with their weapons or armor. Those shovels let them build earthwork fortifications for the defense of their camps, latrines for sanitation, roads for faster transportation, and even allowed them to dig and collapse tunnels for the purpose of bringing down the walls of fortresses during a siege. A typical Roman Legionnaire spent far more time with a shovel in his hands than he ever did with his sword and shield. Hell, in the modern age, soldiers were taught how to use them as weapons, and the Spetznaz were trained to be lethal with a thrown shovel. Plus, wild boars are well known for being avid diggers. Roots, grubs, truffles, if it grows in the ground, a boar can dig it up and rip it out.
They're also known for doing some very nasty things to people that get in their way. Dream or hallucination, I sure as fuck didn't want to see a bunch of girls, including little kids, get gored to death by evil swine...
After a moment's thought, I said, "They're about seven miles away, and while they're moving at a steady pace, they're not running. At their current speed, I'd say it'll take... fifteen to twenty minutes to reach us, minimum." Looking over at Sparkling Sunset, I asked, "So... after bringing me back from the dead, what was the next step of your plan?"
Gulping, she answered, "I... hadn't planned that far ahead yet."
I snorted, then said, "Typical." She'd been so focused on her goal that she'd forgotten that she'd need to have some idea of what to do afterward achieving it. Then again, maybe she'd expected me to do all of that for her. She did look awfully young to be leading anyone anywhere, so I suppose that her lack of foresight could be forgiven. I looked back at the cave, then said, "The tunnel's only wide enough to let one in at a time, I think. We could probably hold them off longer in there than we could out here."
Sunset nodded, then said, "Alright." She looked over at Ladyhawke and said, "Take every pegasus who can fly and have them carry the fillies and colts out of here. The Boarcs don't have any fliers with them, so you should be able to get away without much trouble."
I'm glad she said that, I might not have thought of it myself. Of course, I'd only been here... five minutes? I'd not really had time to take things in. I'd not even had time to think about how the fuck I was walking around so naturally on four legs...
Lady shook her head and said, "Wouldn't work: It's too cold to fly for very long out here. Icing on the wings would cripple us before we got more than a mile or two. Besides, where can we go? What food we've got left is in the carts," she paused, and pointed towards a set of carts set to one side of the cave opening that I had missed earlier. There were a few sacks, probably filled with grains or something like that, but not that many, especially not for a party of one hundred or more. "We could carry food or foals, but not both. We run, we'll starve, if we don't freeze first." Looking over at me, she asked, "Can't you just cast a spell and...?" She left it hanging, but I figured I knew what she was asking. They brought me back from the dead to save them from hordes of rampaging monsters, so I figured that I must be pretty damned badass, whatever kind of fucked up dream or hallucination this was. Still...
"Your faith in me almost brings me to tears," I said wryly, "but you're asking a bit much for someone who just came back from the dead. I'll need at least three good meals and a good night's sleep before I'll be ready for those kinds of odds." I turned around, back towards the cave we had just left... and noticed for the first time the mountain it came out of. It had a rather... distinctive shape. I pointed towards the cave, and said, "Ladyhawke, have a few ponies come out here and gather the food. Leave the carts, but don't leave a single sack behind. We'll need that food to hold us until we can resupply." Turning towards Sunset, I added, "Follow me. We're heading back to the main chamber."
Ladyhawke, surprisingly, didn't argue, but instead zipped down the cave at high speeds. I guess one near heart attack was enough for one day. As we walked inside, Sparkling Sunset asked, "But what can we do inside?"
I chuckled, then asked, "Doesn't this mountain have a rather... distinctive shape?"
"Distinctive how?" the mare asked, confused.
"Well, just think on it as we go," I said as we continued onwards. Noting the squarish shape of the tunnel, and how it seemed perfectly clear of stalactites and stalagmites, I added, "And this tunnel is far too straight and true to have been made naturally."
Taking in the tunnel, she admitted, "You're probably right, and I'll admit, the mountain does have a funny shape to it. But..." She fell silent, still trying to figure out where I was going with this...
As the chamber came in sight, Ladyhawke zipped past us again, this time with a dozen pegasai following, as well as ten earth ponies. They gave us as wide a berth as they could. I asked Sunset, "This ritual that brought me back, did it have to be done here, or could it be done anywhere?"
Sunset answered, "I'm... not sure. Clover the Clever told me to collect your remains from the royal crypts, gather one hundred and eight virgin mares, and then take both here to perform the ritual, but... the instructions for the ritual itself didn't mention a specific time or a place." With a look of consternation, she asked, "But why does all of that matter?"
Smiling, I said, "You'll see soon enough."
We reached the chamber where we had started out, the mares all looking at us, or maybe just me, for guidance. It seemed that Ladyhawke had told them what was coming. They looked frightened, of course, yet somehow they looked... determined. Whatever those Razorbacks were, the ponies didn't plan on being taken alive, and they didn't plan to go without a fight.
And on that subject...
As I studied the chamber, I asked, "What's the deal with the canned hams, by the way? Were they sealed in Tartarus, too?" I looked to the crystal that I had first noted my reflection in. One dull crystal, red in hue...
"No," she answered promptly, "although in a perfect world they would have been. Grogar, one of the fiends that had been sealed away, wanted to force all of the other escapees to obey him, so he could crown himself the undisputed ruler of Equestria. The old goat wasn't strong enough to do so alone, so he struck a deal with the ruler of the realm of Boardor, far to the south. Together, he was certain that they could succeed in forcing the other fiends to obey him, and together, he and the Boarcs could begin conquering Equestria in earnest. However, Grogar was betrayed almost as soon as the Boarc ships landed on our coast. The ruler of Boardor, Diretusk the Cruel, is a master of dark magic, including a rite called Subjugation. It allows him to twist the minds of creatures with evil hearts, so that they gleefully serve him without question, but think that it's of their own free will. More than half the fiends have already been captured and Subjugated. His forces are well on their way to conquering Equestria, and..." She stopped, having difficulty continuing. She didn't need to. I already knew what she was about to admit: And no one was powerful enough to stop him. Except for me? Maybe.
And with a name that ends with 'The Cruel', odds were that Hamhocks the Flatulent wasn't going to be treating his subjects all that well when he was done seizing power...
I completed my survey, spotting a seventh dull crystal, a violet one...
*Crystals...*
I didn't know where that thought had suddenly come from, but it didn't feel like one of my thoughts. It was like... you know how when you think to yourself, it sort of 'sounds' like your own voice? This didn't sound like my voice, but rather the voice that now came out when I spoke. Why had that thought suddenly crossed my mind, and with such... intensity? It had almost had an... sexual thrill to it, and I'm more of an ass man than a lithophile...
I shook my head. I didn't have time to dwell on it. I'd had lucid dreams before, and even a lucid hallucination when I'd been put on some heavy duty pain meds after a nasty accident in my teens. I'd learned one thing after the first time I had one of those: If I stood around doing nothing, it quickly became a nightmare, and a spectacularly nasty one. Likewise, if I started announcing that it was a dream to anyone around me, it turned nasty as well. To keep this dream from getting ugly, I had to play along, and keep moving forward.
"Thanks for the information," I said with a nod. "Now, be a dear, and when I tell you to, shine a beam of light on the large crystals around the room, the ones that aren't glowing. You'll likely need to light them in the following order: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, and Violet. But do not do so until I give the signal."
Whatever you might say about her long-term planning skills, Sunset was a pretty smart cookie. She caught on almost instantly. "You think that there's some sort of device in this room, one that can be activated by lighting up the crystals?"
Nodding, I said, "Precisely. This... Clover the Clever, I think that she had you bring me here because there's something here, something that we'll need." This was my dream/hallucination, after all. Why wouldn't there be something like that? I've played every Zelda game at least twice, and a hundred other rpgs besides. I know how this shit works.
Sparkling Sunset seemed about to ask something when Ladyhawke and the others returned, carrying sacks. Dropping down in front of us and setting her sack down with an 'Oof', she sat down, panting for breath. "Alright, we got it all. There's enough grain in these sacks to keep the lot of us for a couple of weeks, but I doubt we'll hold out that long when the Razorbacks get here..."
With a half-smile that seemed to unsettle the crystalline pegasus, I said, "We may last longer than you think. Now, do we need to wait for anyone else?"
She gave a quick hop, hovered in midair, and spun, giving a quick count, before dropping back down. "All one hundred and eight of us are here." She gave me a look that said, louder than words, that whatever I had planned had better be pretty fucking spectacular...
I nodded, then said to Sunset, "Please begin."
She nodded in return, and began shining a light on each of the crystals in the order I had described. As the light touched each of the crystals, they began to glow. And when she touched the last one...
There was a brilliant white light that filled the room, and...
And suddenly, we were in a chamber, somewhat similar to the one we were in before. However, this one was cleaner. Much cleaner: This one looked like how the other one had probably looked before the hands have time had taken a sledgehammer to the place. There was one exit, leading to a long hallway.
The mares in the room gave out exclamations of surprise at the change in scenery. With a chuckle, I said, "Teleporter. Should have known." Classic. While I'd expected a secret passage to open, maybe with a cheery little tune to play to let us know we'd done it right, this was actually a bit better. Unless the Razorbacks had a magician with them, and one smart enough to figure out how the device worked, we'd be safe from our pursuers, at least while the supplies held out.
"Incredible," Sunset said, looking at the room around her. "This architecture, I've only seen it in books until now. It looks to be pre-Unification Unicorn, at least three centuries old, if not longer. It's definitely unicorn work: It's nearly impossible to get such smooth surfaces without using magic..." She looked like she was about to have a nerd-gasm right on the spot...
I cleared my throat and said, "We can admire the architecture later. We need to keep moving. I don't think that the Baconators will figure out how to get in here anytime soon, but let's not take any chances." Looking at Ladyhawke, I said, "You and Sunset are with me. We'll check the next chamber, and when we've confirmed that there's nothing dangerous, you'll come back and let the others know it's safe to move forward." Lady looked like she was about to argue, but I held up a hoof, stopping whatever objection that she was about to voice. "You and your friends brought me back to help. I'm trying to be helpful. Don't make me want to be... unhelpful. I think we all know how that will turn out."
Lady suppressed a shudder, then gulped, nodded, and said, "Affirmative." I reassessed my previous assumptions about her. She was definitely a soldier of some sort: An ex-con would have problems with being ordered around by someone else, but a soldier is used to being ordered around by someone with higher authority, even if it was someone that they disliked.
In addition, I was beginning to understand that this body came with a bad reputation to go with the frightening appearance, and Ladyhawke seemed to have a far better understanding of it than anyone else. Sunset was able to carry on a conversation with me without any difficulty, but Ladyhawke couldn't even maintain eye contact with me for more than half a second without shivering.
I couldn't help but wonder if the sparkly pegasus had some sort of history with whoever it was I was hallucinating I was...
------------------------------------
"No... No NO NOOOOOO!!!!"
Ironhide desperately searched every corner of the room, trying to find some sign of where the ponies had gone. The carts outside were a clear sign that they'd entered the cave, and the tracks on the floor were fresh enough that he could easily see that they'd missed their targets by only a few minutes at the most, but all one hundred and eight mares, including Clover the Clever's student, were gone, with only the ozone scent of recently expended magic in the air betraying a clue as to what had happened.
The master would have his tusks, if he was lucky. If not, there were far worse things...
The Swineherd entered the chamber, having difficulty squeezing through the entrance. Gulping, Ironhide said, "Tell the master that we're trying to determine the whereabouts of the ponies now..."
"Yes, I can see that," a childish voice said, from atop the larger boar's back.
Oh no...
Another boar, smaller and carrying a ladder, deposited his load against the Swineherd's side, and a piglet began climbing down from the giant's lofty heights. Bright pink with brown spots covering his body, and wearing a black cape with an fur trim, the runt would have been almost comical, especially given the oversized crown atop his head, but anyone who knew of him would sooner rip out their own tongue than allow even a small chuckle to escape in his presence.
"It appears you've lost your quarry," Diretusk the Cruel said, an expression of annoyance on his face.
Ironhide was not to proud to beg. "Please master, I just need a little time, and I..."
The piglet cut him off with a glare from his beady little eyes, and said, "I told you to make the capture of Clover the Clever's student a priority, and you dallied, scoffing of the thought of a single mare, barely more than a filly, being a threat to us. Your exact words, if I recall." He sniffed the air, and frowned, before continuing. "When my scrying revealed that she was gathering virgin mares in order to revive King Sombra, you scoffed, thinking it impossible she could succeed in gathering that many when the odds were so against her. When she succeeded in gathering those mares, and began traveling here, you scoffed, saying that a herd of mares could never survive the journey. And when we began our pursuit, you scoffed, saying that there was no way that they could escape us. And yet now here we stand, in a chamber that reeks of blood magic." He pointed at the glowing crystals around the room, all of them quickly beginning to dim. "The spell that they used to escape this room is a one-time only spell that can only be triggered with unicorn magic. I cannot trace it, and I cannot safely duplicate it and guarantee that whoever I send won't simply end up as part of the mountain. Those mares could be anywhere in the world now, and King Sombra is now with them." With an angry, yet tiny, growl, he proclaimed, "You have failed me, and failed me, and failed me again, and now you beg me for more time?" With a snort, he said, in a cold, dark voice, the single most dreaded word a boar can hear.
"Hogwash."
There's begging, and there's begging. Falling on his belly, Ironhide pleaded at his master's trotters, "Please master, not the hogwash! Anything but that!"
With a snort, Diretusk the Cruel turned and shouted over his shoulder, "BRING THE BUCKETS, AND THE BRUSHES!!!"
Tears in his eyes, the command whimpered, "Master, I have served you, and your father, and your father's father, with greater distinction than any other officer in your armies. I have brought you many victories, all throughout the realms. Please, does that mean nothing to you?"
The piglet looked thoughtful as a pair of boars entered the chamber, one carrying a scrubbing brush, and the other gingerly carrying a bucket of soapy water, careful not to let any splash out. A boar's pride is his filthy coat and his rancid stench. A full grown boar has a smell, no, a STANK, that can render a grown stallion unconscious, should one dare to get too close. To scrub away the years of dirt, grime, and... other things, and leave his hide naked to the world... there can be no greater shame.
The piglet grinned wickedly, and said, "It means that you'll get to be scrubbed twice as hard as anypiggy else... and that you'll get a nice strong splash of perfume when we're done!" The cruel ruler of Boardor pulled out from a pack on the Swineherd's side a bottle. It was pink, with little red roses decorating it...
Ironhide's screams were load enough to be heard from more than thirty miles away.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Rubbing his sore ears, Diretusk muttered, "Don't be such a drama queen."
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THIRD CHAPTER UP! WOOT!!!
So is he going to get a green sweater and tinfoil hat next?
5727575
I actually contacted Pen Mightier about that, after I realized that there were similarities between the two lines, but Pen dismissed my concerns about it. He had no problems with the line, so I don't either. He was much more interested in the fact that there was an official plural for the word Dominatrix.
Hey, the internet is full of lines where Character X 'Eats X, Shits Y'.
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i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/004/758/242x242-Courage-Wolf-EAT-LIGHTNING-SHIT-THUNDER8.jpg
quickmeme.com/img/c7/c707961692daa8d201774da81026fe96e846f05d5ae4f14e0b9a31839b4b3042.jpg
And the original from Rocky, 'You're gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!'
Awesome! Love this human's logic. Keeps him from panic, and keeps him out of trouble. It's actually my own ideal for these kinds of situations: Treat it like it's real until proven otherwise.
FUCK, MY BODY IS NOT READY AGAIN. WHY THE CHAPTER KEEP COMING UP!? SOME KIND INVASION!?
Jesus. Why you just keep post Lich king!?
rs1img.memecdn.com/super-pig_o_364488.jpg
You post all of your drama on you story... then get upset when people judge you? you must be a special kind of genius.
Wow! You're climbing the Featured ladder pretty fast, BN!
i.imgur.com/A2vFjVq.png
I love it.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/065/003/Darth-Vader-I-FIND-YOUR-LACK-OF-FAITH-DISTURBING.jpg
troll.me/images/creepy-willy-wonka/architecture-is-fun-tell-me-more.jpg
fullsteam.ag/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/hogwash2.gif
5727732
Because when I think of an evil overlord who manages to be both evil and yet also incredibly entertaining, I can't stop thinking of Skeletor.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/10/29/135632__safe_image+macro_he-dash-man_skeletor_love+hate.jpg
5727739
.
Sadly, I've used all my ammo in one day. If it doesn't climb to #1 on its own merits now, I'll just have to settle for spot two. Oh well, I'm satisfied with even this much
5727757 Sound like from 80s - 90s cartoon. i think yeah. sure why not.
5727751 No kidding, why every time i show up, and you just try add comment. did i do anything to you?
5727795 Cool posts and kind comments make friends. Think about others online.
5727806 ಠ_ಠ?
Another chapter already? Dayum. Looks like Clover's forersight paid off ... now only where the hay are they? Blood magic ... interesting ...
5727181 LOL
5727751 I was thinking more along the lines of... 0:37 on the vid
5727751
Hey now, Ruin Mode is a legitimate medical condition!
Now, he must use magic.
Then kill everything with fire, and dark magic.
5727194 NOOOOOOOO! Not the 'SCIENCE'! ANYTHING BUT THE SCIENCE! Wait... Mmm, that's pretty good.
Made from pure, Bucking Nonsense, behold!
He has many names, and many more titles, but only a few matter to the enemies of this metal motherfucker, for he is Sombra!
Lord of Shadows!
King of the Crystal Empire!
Wrecker of Your Shit!
Well this going off to a great start. While it's not as funny as the Tirek one(yet) it's a good story that has a good adventure plot to make up for it. Going to be keeping my eye on this one.
The main character seems to be taking the situation very well despite being in an unfamiliar body and in an unfamiliar land. Well, the ponies did the first thing, which was to escape the mountains and embarrass the hell out of the Commander (I guess he suffered a Fate Worse Than Death). Now I wonder what they'll do next? Hmm....
You had my curiosity when you published the first two chapters of the fanfic. Now you have my attention. I would like to see what the ponies and the Boarcs will do now.
Whoo hoo! Achievement unlocked! You made it to the top of the Featured List! This image was taken on 3/12/15 and 1:07am.
i.imgur.com/xwh2t9R.png
5727607 It's true, Bucking Nonsense did ask me about it. We ended up talking about how there's a plural form dominatrix instead. I mean, seriously, 'one' dominatrix? Let alone MORE?!
(In other words, I have no problems with it. So nobody else should. Chill and enjoy)
5727578
Sean Connery wants me?
Not immediately related to the actual story, but I really wish I knew why the whole "I must be hallucinating/dreaming/stoned" conceit is so popular as a first reaction for HiE characters around here. It just seems so lazy - I've been both stoned up to the eyebrows and have experienced hallucinations from sheer sleep deprivation, and there's no way in hell anyone could ever confuse either experience with waking reality. Either other people's dreams are really different from mine, or a whole lot of people are just uncritically aping a cliché there without even questioning how much sense it actually makes.
Holy mother of-
All hail Bucking Nonsense, king of villain reformations. First you put a dude in Tirek's body, and it ends up the single best self-insert-type-thing i've seen.
I can't wait to see where this goes, given the Tirek one.
Also, I didn't actually know there was a plural for dominatrix, and as such:
plz sir can I have some maor
5727837 Regardless of my opinion of this story I will say this... you sir... are a fast writer.
My god. Diretusk is the evilest villain EVER!
5728383 But it DOES go to that line well, right?
Also, That's the Team Four Star Alucard's line. Hellsing Ultimate Abridged is EPIC!!!
So those 108 virgin mares that were used to bring "Sombra" back, what happened to them in the ritual?
What. Seriously, WHAT?
This was not at all what I expected. Oh, this will be so incredibly glorious that I won't even!
5727787 That's because he is. It was called He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, if I remember correctly.
Huh, "Skeletor" seems to have finally taken the stage. He's shown some understandings of tactics, which is good. And the Boarcs have a strange view of the world.
I have nothing to say really, so instead I'll let this demanding Norse god speak for me instead
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Yay
when Diretusk came i was thinking of this guy
https://dailyhumorpix.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/vlcsnap-2010-10-19-04h23m42s14.jpg
who else thought of him?
5728249 You're a nice guy, Pen. But Bucking Nonsense should at least acknowledge that he drew inspiration from Hail to the King and 1000 Virgin Mares. It's only fair.
Why not all of the above?
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Hogwash...
-wut?
...(reads on)...
5726211 1400 followers how are you even surprised?
Stupid idea for the story, but looking at the author, i will give it a chance.
5727550 Showering is typically a cliched bad guy punishment for comedic effect.
What people don't realize is that it is often a source of pride for a warrior to be covered in blood and guts and whatnot to show off.
ALSO! THIS IS AWESOME!
5728242
Why must me fight? We both seek the same thing, hunger for the same prize...
Join me, and together, WE SHALL RULE FIMFICTION!!!
5727508 It's why fireworks are illegal in NJ...
People were deliberately holding them and shoving them places...
Frankly, I call that 'natural selection' and am of the opinion it should have been allowed to run its course.
5727578
I like you.
5728249
Well, given the plural form of words with the same ending, I'm guessing it'd be Dominatrices?
anypiggy...
God, I love that.
5727550
MYAAAAAAAAH!!!
farm9.staticflickr.com/8093/8565721245_83fdac91d1_o_d.jpg
ROFLing
5727837 I will always upvote Professor Raine. Always...
(If only so that she won't throw erasers at me. <.< )