Wherever I Am, There Is Joy And Laughter
There are not enough words in the world to sufficiently describe the pandemonium that followed. There were screams, there were shouts, there were mares calling for their mothers. Surprisingly, those calls came from the older ponies, not the few younger ones who were watching the grownups acting like idiots with looks of amusement on their faces. A lot of the ponies were shouting things like, "He's a zombie! He'll eat our flesh!", "He's a vampire! He'll eat our blood!", and "He's a demon! He'll eat our souls!" And then there was my personal favorite, "He's a zombie vampire demon! He'll eat our EVERYTHING!!!"
As strange as it sounds, the fact that nearly everyone else in the room was freaking out kept me from freaking out. Otherwise, I might have totally lost my shit, especially since I was just discovering that my body... was no longer my body. I had hooves where my hands should be, and instead of my normal skin, I had a a gray fur-covered hide. I looked around to see what I could find for a reflective surface so that I could take stock in regards to how much my body had changed.
That allowed me to take notice for the first time of my surroundings. I was in a large chamber inside of a cave, it seemed, one illuminated by a number of glowing crystals. Although, on further analysis, it seemed less like a cave and more like an artificial tunnel that had been allowed to go a long, long time without any maintenance, or perhaps a natural cavern that someone had expanded upon in ancient times. Either way, it was obviously ages old, given the presence of stalagmites and stalactites, strongly implying that, even if this cavern might have started out artificial, it was well on its way to becoming a natural cavern.
I'm not a geologist, but I took a geology class in college as an elective, so I learned a lot about rocks, minerals, and other related topics, including the fact that crystals normally don't glow. There are a small number that can, but normally only UV lights. Then again, I'd noticed a number of horns on the ponies running around screamed, as well as wings, which led me to believe that my earth science might not apply to the world of talking ponies.
I could only see one way out of the chamber, and that was on the other side of the herd of panicked equines, so there was no chance of my getting out that way right at the moment.
After a few seconds of searching, I found a crystal that wasn't glowing, but had a smooth, reflective surface, and gave myself a look...
Okay, when most humans hear the word 'Unicorn', they picture something from a Lisa Frank notebook, the kind with a twirly rainbow mane and horn, sparkly eyes, and a dopey looking facial expression. They imagine a prancing magical horse that uses a marshmallow laser to do battle with an evil gummi bear king with a five year old girl in a pink dress and carrying a glittery pink magic wand riding on its back. They imagine something that ate sugar and farted butterflies. Something that looks like it should be made into a little girl's toy that the girl's barbie dolls ride on. They did not, as a rule, imagine what I looked like.
If someone put the kind of unicorn I had become on a notebook cover, it would be the kind of notebook that belonged to the front man of a German death metal band. If I went into battle, it would be while launching lightning bolts and fireballs at a black dragon, and with a fucking lich riding on my back wielding a staff forged from the bones of murdered gods. I looked like something that ate pretty pink princesses and shat leather-clad dominatrices. If someone made a girl's toy of this unicorn, it would impregnate all the barbie dolls, disembowel every teddy bear in the little girl's possession, then build itself a throne from the dismembered remains of her brother's GI Joes.
I looked like the most villainous thing to ever be given hooves. No wonder everyone was freaking out. I really did look like a vampire demon unicorn, although the zombie thing was just rude. Behind me, the two ponies who had been talking seemed to be trying to restore order, along with a few others. They didn't seem to be having much success, though, given that the sound of everyone screaming was doing a magnificent job of drowning them out. Until they got everyone settled, I was unlikely to get any answers whatsoever...
I took a deep breath, and shouted at the top of my lungs, "WILL EVERYONE PLEASE JUST SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP, ALREADY?!" Sadly, it seemed I had not gotten enough sleep to keep me completely out of Grumpy-Fuck mode.
Almost instantly, every mare in the cavern complied, although many of them were clearly trembling at the sight of me. Clearing my throat, I said, "Thank you." Looking over at the two ponies that were closest to me, I commanded, "You two. Explain." I did not make that a question. This was not the face of someone who needed to ask a question to get an answer...
The first one to speak was the one that I had dubbed Gruffette, a neon blue pegasus (Or at least, I assumed that was what the winged ponies called themselves) with a black mane, in a military cut. She had a mark on her butt cheeks that depicted a sword with a pair of golden wings framing it. Unlike most of the ponies present, she was... sparkly, like she was made from gemstones, instead of flesh and blood. She began to say, "Who do you think you are, ordering us aro..."
She stopped mid-sentence when I gave her what I thought was an annoyed glance. Instead, it seemed that I had given her a look fit to give little children nightmares. Her expression changed instantly from one of fierce rebellion to one of abject terror as she halted so abruptly that she almost bit her tongue, and immediately covered her mouth with her hooves, trying to smother a terrified shriek. She did a middling job of it, and her wide eyes betrayed the horror she felt just from the look on my face.
Well, it seemed that I was even more terrifying than I thought I was. She was so frightened of me that I was surprised that she didn't fear-shit her internal organs in alphabetical order. Had she been twenty, or maybe even just ten years older, I'd likely have stopped her heart right then and there.
Returning my expression to something more neutral, I said, "Your name."
Gulping, she said, "L-Ladyhawke, sir." She was now visibly shivering, clearly expecting me to strike her down that instant. Given my appearance, I didn't blame her one bit.
With a small smile, I said, "I'll make certain to remember that." She cringed at that simple statement, but said nothing else. Turning towards the other, the one I assumed was Nerdette, I said, "Now, an explanation."
Nerdette was a tan unicorn, and her mark was a magic wand with a gold star at the tip. She had a purple mane with a yellow streak through it, and she looked terrified of me, yet at the same time intensely curious. She resembled a scientist who had just discovered an alien life form, and while it might have looked like the bastard offspring of a tiger, a shark, and a porcupine, she still wanted to have a chance to study it...
Clearing her throat, she said, "My... my name is Sparkling Sunset, your eminence." Bowing deeply, she said, "I apologize for my presumptuous, but I... no, we have called you back from the halls of the fallen to aid us in this, our darkest hour. Please, King Sombra, help us!"
Looking down at the kneeling unicorn, I asked, "Help with what?"
She blushed with embarrassment, then said, meekly, "Oh, right, yes, you've been dead for a year, so you wouldn't know." She picked up a scarf and a wooly hat from the ground beside her, the garments that she had removed a few moments ago. She gestured to the only exit to the chamber and said, "If you'll follow me, I'll explain as we go..."
---------------------------------------
Okay, there's crazy, there's insane, and then there's Equestria. I stared up at the sky as I listened to Sparkling Sunset drone on about the state of the world, as fucked up as it was.
The sky...
Words are insufficient to do it justice, honestly. Up above me was the sun and the moon. Well, half of each, really. The two had collided, and instead of the sun incinerating the moon, it had... shattered, as had the lunar satellite, and both were clearly the same size. The remaining halves of each celestial object had remained together, and hung there like the corpse of a murdered sky-god. The sky, locked in a perpetual starry dusk, was littered with clearly visible fragments from both, as well as darker patches where, apparently, this Nightmare Moon chick had ripped out stars to throw them at her sister, Celestia...
"...and with both Luna and Celestia gone, the fiends of Tartatus broke loose, and started rampaging everywhere. My teacher, Clover the Clever, told me that, if she couldn't stop them, I would need to gather one hundred and eight virgin mares, and use ritual she taught to me to bring you back from the dead." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her blush as she said, "It took a lot longer than I thought it would. Most mares marry young and start producing offspring pretty quickly. I had to cheat and gather a number of war-orphans along the way to meet the required one hundred and eight." She shot a glare at Ladyhawke, who stood on my other side, and said, "Although someone thought that just one hundred should be enough." Looking at the horizon, she continued, stating, "Of course, things have only gotten worse since then..."
Listening to this young unicorn describe the downfall of a civilization of sapient ponies, and staring up at an impossible sky, I reached the only sane conclusion anyone would reach in that situation...
I had to either be dreaming, insane, or stoned out of my fucking mind. Or maybe even a combination of any or all of the three.
------------------------------------------------
The Razorbacks had made it through the snowbanks at last, creating a tunnel wide enough for their comrades to march through. Breathing a sigh of relief, Commander Ironhide raised a trotter and shouted, "All units! Forward march!" His soldiers began their advance, and within three minutes, they had cleared the pass, and could see, once again, the mountain that he was certain was the ponies' goal. Odd looking mountain, though: He'd almost have mistaken the top for some kind of citadel from this distance...
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While there are similarities between the two stories, I'd like to think that my idea is still pretty original, since it takes place within a completely different time frame, amongst a great many other reasons.
The romance tag intrigues me, will our protagonist break the tradition of all male protagonists in harem anime everywhere and shamelessly enjoy attention of the yet to be fully introduced female leads? Or will he fall in love with one of them. Either way I can't wait for more, I love your stuff Bucking Nonsense, good job.
5725934
Don't worry about it, writers have similar ideas all the time. What matters is what you do with it - originality is about how you say it, not what you say.
5725934 I am not going the cliched route of dancing around the subject, but just going to stab straight to the point of the matter.
I TOLD YOU SO!
As your PR manager(Self Appointed), I'd say that this is completely original.
How are you going to manage the 108 mares?
Like, how are they going to interact?
Let's start with the appendix!
Well... to me this seems to be the next logical step from Who Is This Lord Tirek You Speak Of? By all means, please carry on.
Goddammit B! My body is not ready.
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/fc/bb/c7/fcbbc719665adebfed539b55e9f053aa.jpg
fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/355/4/5/me_gusta_sombra_by_zutheskunk-d5oqe7u.png
5725934 I said this same thing to someone who was getting hit for having an OC that looked like someone else's OC. There are thousands of writers out there, churning out millions of stories. Overlap is inevitable. Even if it's completely accidental/incidental.
P.S. Not reading yet, just checking out the comments to get a feel for the story, I'll read it after dinner/ I make a Z-95 Headhunter in space engineers.
OOOHHHH ARTIST
I can already tell this is going to be interesting.
Wow man 14 hours and your already featured
Um... not to crap on your party, but how the flying fladoodle does that work? I know in our solar system the Earth's roughly a dozen times the moon's size. And the sun fits about a thousand Earths inside it. Assuming a similar sized scale model for celestial bodies, it doesn't make any kind of sense. So... did the sun just kind of eat the moon or something?
Dis gonna be good.
You got featured! (image taken on 3/11/15, 3:25pm PST)
i.imgur.com/zsMgSpF.png
5726215 You're assuming "a similarly sized scale model". As the first chapter so eloquently put it, Magical Ponyland does not work that way.
This story, just by the description, makes so little sense that I have lost sense, again just by reading the description. Wonder what happens when I read it?
I need MOAR
5724246 I can't help but think you have made a new, and rather narrow, genre that I think of as the HIEV. Pronounced Hive, it stands for Human in Equestrian Villain. Well, this is all in my head but I think would make for a great group name.
I really like the name Boardor.
It is both deeply, deeply lazy naming, for a country bordering Equestria, and quite clever at the same time.
the synopsis reminded be a fair bit of "1000 virgin mares, one awesome evil overdude, infinite facepalming".
5726413 Hmm.
Well, the obvious Tirek one by the author in question.
Nightmare moon as a seven year old boy.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/122954/hail-to-the-king (another Sombra)
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/185340/1000-virgin-mares-1-frickin-badass-dark-overdude-infinite-facehoofing of course
I'm sure I remember a quite decent chrysalis one too.
5726215
You assume their sun and moon are close substitutes to our own, despite the following three observations which clearly show that they cannot be.
• Neither seem to obey Newton's law of universal gravitation: if they possessed and were affected by gravity, they would (barring special circumstances) not need to be moved by ponies at all—this also suggests that the two objects may not even have mass, meaning they would not be physical objects at all.
• Neither seem to obey Newton's first law of motion: even if they did need to be moved (or the Earth rotated), practically speaking they would only need to be moved once and never again, since they should continue moving until acted upon by an obstructing force.
• Neither seem to obey the speed of light universal physical constant: Equestria's Sun can be seen moving about a second after Celestia moves it, whereas the light from our Sun takes on average 8 minutes 17 seconds to reach the Earth—for this to be possible would require that either the sunlight's velocity be greater than 500 times the speed of light, that the sun's distance from the planet be merely 0.2% that of the real Sun-Earth distance, or that Celestia cast a spell that time-traveled into the past at least 8 minutes 16 seconds.
These three observations are all, of course, arbitrarily assuming that Celestia's magic has effectively infinite velocity, so that it reaches the sun the instant it is cast, and the spell takes effect instantly—if this is not the case (and more than likely, it is not the case), then the conditions are further complicated by the factor of the time it takes for Celestia's magic to even travel to the sun.
These three simple observations about the sun and moon in the show make it abundantly clear that it is practically impossible for their sun and moon to be even remotely similar to any astronomical phenomena we are currently aware of, much less being the equivalents of the real Sun and Moon.
Can't wait for more when the voice of Sombra past comes to haunt unnamed human.
5726538
You my dear pony, win at science.
-Ambassabor of the Changelings,
Dopple Ganger
5726215 Actually, 1.3 million Earths can fit in the Sun.
Also, I really, really love the setup here. I love how wonderfully alien it emphasizes the Equus we all know and love to be.
I was wondering what the title of the fanfic is a reference to, and someone in a thread told me that the title is a reference to Flintlocke's Guide to Azeroth after I posted a comment about it in a forum.
What a ride ... I was mildly afraid at first that the virgin mares were going to be sacrificed ... glad they weren't - at least not in a lethal sense, although they might have made some sort of (quasi)symbolic sacrifice that may possibly bind them to Not-Sombra (if his name came up, I missed it, so until I find that out, I'm gonna call him that) on some level. And it looks like he and his entourage (harem?) have their work cut out for them - between the monsters coming out of Tartarus and Boardor's (LOL) forces bearing down, this is going to be a helluva fight. Not as big as the Princesses wrecking the whole gorram sky, but still %#@&ing epic.
*reads synopsis*
Hm...so, basically this story is a combination of "1000 Virgin Mares" and "Hail to the King"?
...
I'M SOLD.
Words cannot describe the amount of random this story has already wrought upon the internet.
5726215 Do You Even Astronomy?
The correct number is 1.3 MILLION
Oh my gosh! Did you really reference Neon Pegasus and Space Unicorn?! I love you so much!
Do you think you can incorporate this phrase from R.E.D 2 into your story?
"Why don't they just dip our balls on honey and stake us to an ant farm!"
I know you could find over 8000 different ways to use this... You know you want to
5726440 Quelaag is your "waifu"?
5726975
.
I did. I really did
5726362 It didn't free him in the canon Nightmare Moon vs Celestia duel so that may be due reason to believe that this one wouldn't have either.
Hmm. I think the first chapter was far too silly for the tone of the rest of it. While I really enjoy the setup here, and I think making it a humorous fic IS doable, you can't throw it at the audience Three Stooges or wacky anime style and expect it to stick.
5726423
I actually took it off of this:
fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/335/a/4/equestria_and_beyond__rev_8_1_by_hlissner-d46wmzm.jpg
Full sized, you can see, way to the south, a country named Boardor, which sits on the border of the Scorched Lands. It sounds a lot like Mordor. Mordor is the home of many orcs. Boardor is the home of many Boarcs (Hey, many mediums give orcs a piggish appearance, so terrible pun or no, it works). So, I figured, why not have an evil overlord from Boardor invade at the same time all this other stuff is happening? I almost gave Diretusk a name that was a pun off of one of Sauron's names, but decided not to at the last minute. However, one of Sauron's nicknames is Gorthaur the Cruel, so I just gave him a suitably piggish name, and kept the Cruel afterwards. I think you'll all enjoy this villain. I put a good bit of effort into him.
5726925
Actually, Sombra's line is a discworld reference. On the equivalent of the statue of Ozymandius, the ruler had put the line 'I Can See Your House From Up Here' on a plaque at the base. It makes for a pretty grand statement of power, combining 'Ruler of all that I survey' with 'I know where you live'. Basically, if one of the most powerful and... temperamental beings in Equestria knows where you live, and has direct line of sight on your house, you may want to consider moving.
Ah, sorry, but the title itself is right.
5726440 no need to explain, the eight legs make it a really stable ride...
5726249
When Reality Check says that at the beginning of a story, then you know you've done things exactly right.
5727065 That duel was clearly not too long after they'd stoned Discord the first time.
Plus, it was really short and they didn't kill each other and crash the Sun into the Moon...
Kinda a little different set of circumstances there.
5726933 They need to summon Goku.
He'd look at all the pigs, drool about fresh bacon, then eat them all!
And then he'd die from a heart attack since he didn't take his cholesterol medication because it was grape-flavored.
5726362
Either that, or he looked around, saw the now-natural chaos, and said, "Fuck it, I'm obviously unneeded here," and left.
5726069 FOOL!!!
The adrenal glands are first in alphabetical organ order!
I am a SCIENTIST and my SCIENCE has defeated you! *bombards you with the powers of delicious, magical science!*
Hmm, so Equestria is about to be destroyed by a fat, evil, psychotic pig...
Since when did a portal from North Korea open into Equestria!
5727091 OK, fine. Quelaag is a bit too hot to ride with all her pyromancy and stuff. Maybe The Fair Lady, leader of the Chaos Servants Covenant?
PS: What was your deleted comment?
5727170 I believe that was in fact a fair bit after Discord's "stoning", maybe only about a decade but even so more than you imply you believe it to have been.
I will however concede that the "rating upgrade" on the duel may have increased the likelihood of his release.
5726538 An interesting way of resolving this I saw recently - alas I don't quite recall in what - was that Discord had cast a spell on Equus, which removed its capability to have angular momentum.
Even if spun up to normal speed, Equus would stop in a few hours.
The moon was moved to the Equus-Sun L2 point, and the sisters simply spin the world 180 degrees to do day and night.
Tirek sounded like "Hail to the King", this one sounds like "Overdude".
5727244 A decade is relatively a very short time versus a thousand years after NMM was moonstuck.
I like to poke at the fact that nopony ever thought that if NMM's banishment was actually scheduled to end after a thousand years, Discord's petrification might also break eventually too.
I mean, that's not a very big leap of logic.
Oh well, they're just silly ponies. Not smart like us humans! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to shove firecrackers down my pants for fun. (It has been done...)