I extend my gratitude to Princess Luna for allowing me to write Fimfiction on my breaks... and off them :#). Cupcakes for all!
In the future of the great pony war all of Equestria is enslaved by princess Celestia. In order to stop this horrid future from happening a young cross-eyed filly named Doohickey leaps back in time. Armed with knowledge She and a mismatched band of heroes will save what everypony believes is lost.
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This actually reads pretty well, and I am somewhat interested in what happens next.
But after reading the first chapter, I recommend a proofreader or an editor. Most of your writing is fine, but there are several mishaps in your grammar:
First, "the desolate": The first word should be capitalized, because it is the start of a new sentence. Also, "ponies" should have an apostrophe after the "s" to indicate a possessive noun.
Several of your sentences are missing a period.
This is obviously a flashback, but it was still dialogue spoken, so the apostrophes should be replaced with quotation marks. Indicating a flashback can be done by italicizing the entire section, or using scene breaks.
Whenever there is a new speaker, you are supposed to start a new paragraph. Also, in the second sentence, it should be "She's dead". Lastly, the second sentence needs to have a verb in the dialogue tag, something for the blue Pegasus to do. Like "said."
However, your story is, other than it's grammatical flaws, pretty good so far. I like the idea of using nursery rhymes to pilot a Tardis, as that is definitely something the Doctor would do. Yep, going to keep reading.
Please note that this is not correct grammar. Here on Fimfiction, at least 60% of the people on this site HATE bad grammar, and there is a standard of writing here. I recommend the writing guide listed under the FAQ.
Other than that, and the previous errors I noted in my previous comment, this story is getting slightly more interesting.
Somewhat fast pacing here. I also noticed that you do not always capitalize all of the names. "Doctor" when referencing the character, is always capitalized because it is his name. Also, it's Gallifrey, not Galiphrey. Twilight and Ditzy should always be capitalized as well, and multiples like "yous" and "mes" (for "you" and "me") do not have apostrophes in them.
There are also occasional walls of text, but are not very frequent. This story has transitioned into the "Celestia is evil" and "Luna was a good pony", New Lunar Republic thing that pops up a lot. I won't say it's bad, but there better be a good reason for this, as Celestia is not evil in canon. If this is an alternate universe, however, then I recommend the "Alternate Universe" tag, which indicates that this story does not follow the show's canon.
It's Peace Corps. The "ps" is silent, but that's how it's spelled.
For all times comparing two nouns, it is "than". Not then. Then is used to indicate a progression across time, not comparison. For example X is greater than Y. Y is less than X. J is younger than W.
"Than". And it is spelled "minute".
After reading all four chapters, I am ambivalent about this story. It has several grammatical and spelling errors, and the pacing seems to vary. I am unsure about Celestia, Luna, and the main six's personalities, which seem very OOC. I would like to say that the first chapter sets things up well, but could definitely be better.
Your pacing seems to go by quickly, but it is far from the worst. Maybe spend some more time developing characters and describing the scenery and background.
Lastly, I am concerned about Doohickey. What is the point of this OC? Why not use Dinky or Sparkler, canon background characters that many fans agree are Ditzy's children? Is it because Doohickey is a Pegasus? Because there doesn't seem to be much usage here. Not only that, but due to the aforementioned pacing, we don't see much of Doohickey's personality, other than trying really hard not to get involved in a war.
My advice: keep writing. BUT. A substantial rewrite of the current chapters is needed. There are so many errors that it will turn away 75%+ of potential readers, and a lot of downvotes could accrue. Also, get a proofreader/editor. They will help a lot with finding errors and the flow of the story.
Oh, and welcome to Fimfiction.
5714294 Thank you very much for your comments, I'm trying very hard to get a beta to help with this. I also try to double and triple check the grammar in this story. I'll try and look over those chapters and improve. I'm glad that your looking forward to reading more. I've actually got several more chapters on my laptop waiting to be uploaded, but I'll be sure to look over them a few more times before I do that. Once again, thank you! ;{P
-Queen of Cupcakes