Perfection
Rarity looked over at the yellow winged mare next to her in the sauna. Fluttershy’s eyes were closed so she let her gaze linger. The only other pony in the sauna was Aloe who ladled water on the hot rocks to keep the level of steam up to par.
Rarity loved these spa visits with her dearest friend Fluttershy. Every week the pegasus would unfailing arrive on time. When the unicorn would allow her work to overtake her schedule the pegasus would come and knock on her door. Fluttershy’s concern for her wellbeing was precious to the fashion designer. She always felt ashamed when her friend had to find the unicorn because of her foolishness.
This visit, like most, Rarity confessed all her problems finding that special somepony. Fluttershy would listen to every word. The unicorn did talk to her other friends about the problems in her love life, but none of them were as dear as Fluttershy. Rainbow dash would have to stop talking before she could listen. Not that the white unicorn wasn’t as guilty of that talkative problem. Pinkie Pie seemed to listen, but one would lose track of their own conversation. Applejack always interrupted to clarify some issue, and Twilight always thought she know how to fix anything a pony brought up.
Fluttershy would listen without interruption or judgment. Only when asked would she share her kind thoughts on your professed troubles. She didn’t try to fix the problem, but instead showed you a new way to look at the problem. Rarity’s problem was she could never find her Prince.
The unicorn knew why she always failed to find her Prince. They could never measure up to her standard. The standard bearer sat next to her in the steam. Fluttershy was perfect in every way. Any stallion she met was compared to the shy pegasus and always found wanting.
She continued to watch the peaceful Fluttershy. The pegasus was beautiful. Not just the beauty that graced few models in all of Equestria. Fluttershy’s beauty transcended the mere physical. Her beauty was a true beauty that radiated from the heart and shown in her eyes. Even the sweat induced by the sauna glistened with beauty. There was her unfailing kindness. Rarity had been on the receiving end of that many times. All of her transgressions were met with total forgiveness by the yellow pegasus. There was so much more bundled within her spa partner. The list of the positive aspects of the pegasus was endless. No stallion will ever stand up to the test that is Fluttershy.
Why did she keep looking then? Why go through failure after failure when the perfect match sat next to her? Was it because she was a mare? The unicorn knew her parents wouldn’t care who she choose for a lover. They were part of the free love generation. They were as happy as a couple as they would be in a herd. Could it be Sweetie Belle that held her back? Rarity knew she was not the best role model for the young filly. The unicorn’s outlook on life was far to jaded. She doubted that Sweetie Belle would rejecter her for such a choice, nor did she think that such a choice would unduly influence her sister.
Could it be what her friends would think? Sadly the mare did admit it would be a problem. Not the issue they were both mares, but that it was Rarity who looked to woo the delicate Fluttershy. Her friends were not so quick to overlook the failings of the Carousel Boutique owner. She too knew those failings and was lost on how to overcome them.
The element of generosity questioned her own generosity. It was easy to give up what you didn’t need. What she did need she gave up for something in return. To Rarity that wasn’t generosity at all. To be generous was to give without expectation, and to give something that truly meant something to the giver. Her business did well so she could give to charity money she didn’t need and clothing that didn’t sell. Even those gifts put her name out there for others to see.
Time was Rarity’s most treasured possession. She parted with it grudgingly. Her dear sister, whom she truly did love, often felt the brunt of that non-generosity. It was hard to give away that which you don’t own. Others paid her well for her time. When she did give time it was for something in return. Time with her sister to regain her affection. Time with her friends to gain affirmation for her existence. Even this time with Fluttershy was given to be with Fluttershy.
In her mind the times that Rarity truly gave up something that mattered for nothing in return are few. Many times others have thanked her for some generous act, but the words were undeserved in her heart. Her supposed generosity rang hollow in her ears.
Fluttershy had thanked her many times for the generosity of paying for the spa visits. Rarity knew it wasn’t generous at all. She paid so that Fluttershy would be there and the unicorn could share a brief moment with her. Rarity paid to have a friend. The pegasus shouldn’t thank her, but instead pity the sad unicorn.
No, Rarity knew the reason she kept looking for a stallion. Knowing the search would be futile as none could live up to the dream of her perfect pony. None could live up to Fluttershy. The reason was she. It was simple really to the unicorn. Fluttershy was perfect and Rarity was not. The unicorn would never be worthy of such a perfect mare’s love. Rarity closed her eyes and enjoyed this short time they would have together.
Rarity would always be the frog on the lily pad by which the Princess would pass by each day. At least she got to see the Princess, and on occasion the Princess would notice her and smile. That would have to be enough. It would always have to be enough. A tear slipped from her closed eye. It must be the steam.
The End
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Bravo!
Hey, for a
firstsorry, second story, you did pretty well! The grammar is decent, the descriptions are florid, and the justifications are fairly well wrought. If I may make one criticism, however: please watch your LUS. If you don't know what LUS is, it stands for Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. All too often, you describe Fluttershy as a "spa partner" or a "yellow Pegasus," and you also describe Rarity as a "unicorn" or, most clunky of all, a "Carousel Boutique owner."The problem with these statements is that you're forcing the reader to go through a lot more work than they have to to identify which pony you're referring to. Within the span of a paragraph, a good rule of thumb to use is to limit your character epithets to two maximum, maybe three if you have a really good reason. That is, within the span of one paragraph, refer to Fluttershy only as "Fluttershy" and "she." It may seem limiting, but your story will become far cleaner and easier to read. "She," after all, is a far quieter phrase than "spa partner," and unless you use it to start every sentence, "she" is a rather invisible word. As it stands right now, your rampant use of LUS is loud and distracting to me.
Other than that, however, well done! I hope to see more stuff from you!
5533683
I thank you for your comments, but I must confess I do feel the opposite. I actually do go out of my way to put some variety in describing who is speaking while keeping it relevant to that speaker. I do understand though if you don't have a solid background on the characters you can get lost with who is who. A majority of my writing is fan fiction where I write to an audience that knows the characters.
I will take your comments to heart though, as I continue on this journey of My Little Pony fan fiction. I also wish to thank you for your other comments. I feel that characterization and its development are the main reason for me writing. I fear that my use of LUS may continue but I'll see if I can curb them.
5533715 Trust me, I felt that way at one point, too! The thing is—and I apologize if I come off as too frank—LUS is not a stylistic choice. It's a syntactical error. Word variety is good, but you'd be putting it in the wrong place if you wanted to replace "she" with "the yellow pegasus."
Here's the problem I have with your justification: for someone, like me, who is familiar with MLP lore, you don't need to add LUS for added description because we already know who Fluttershy is. It just clutters up the prose. And for someone who is unfamiliar with MLP, it's actually still not a good choice to add LUS to your stories, because it's not very good description. If you introduce Rarity in an expository format, as in "Rarity stepped out of her Boutique, which was both her home and workplace," readers will accept the information and read further. If you just tell your new readers halfway through the story that Rarity is suddenly a "Carousel Boutique owner," they won't accept it as new information; they'll just get confused that you're telling them new information about this "Rarity" character all of a sudden. They may even think that a third character has entered the conversation: Rarity, Fluttershy, and the Carousel Boutique owner.
Again, sorry if I come off as offensive, but the consensus around here is that LUS is never a good choice, save for some very specific circumstances.
5533801
I'm offended that you think I was offended. *snicker*
Your second explanation though is rather clear and I do see the points you raise. This is, again, an issue with me. I tend to get bored with repetitive use a word. I make it a point to not start two consecutive paragraphs with the same word. I do see the value of following your course of action. It will take time and experimentation, and in truth it would simplify things.
Thank you again for your comments.
I'm always open to Criticism and Critique, and I do hope I've developed the thick skin a writer needs.
Been done before but I've read worse ones... So all things considered is a fair read.. I often suspected that it was that episode with them in the spa together that caused the Rarity/Fluttershy shipping to really began... Rarity was gushing over Fluttershy quite a bit during that spa trip..
5535679 There are other moments, but the spa is a distinctly Flarity environment. The others tend to visit on occasion, but those two go every week.
Wow thanks I cried
5536374 Yep...
I have found this story by chance and, despite me not being exactly fond of shipping, it piqued my interest enough to give it a try. And I’m glad I did. Despite some typos and a number of roughly structured sentences and paragraphs, I definitely enjoyed reading it! The thought process and message behind the story are clear and quite heartwrenching (and heartwarming at the same time) and yet still give the reader enough food for thought to ruminate on this idea for at least another hour. Thank you for this read!