Rarity spends her time with Fluttershy in their weekly spa visit. The unicorn has her reasons for these trips. Reasons she will not voice to the pegasus.
Cover Art by Leefuu
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/9107939/
Chapters (1)
Zervon Tora
Joined 30th Nov, 2014 ·
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Bravo!
Hey, for a
firstsorry, second story, you did pretty well! The grammar is decent, the descriptions are florid, and the justifications are fairly well wrought. If I may make one criticism, however: please watch your LUS. If you don't know what LUS is, it stands for Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. All too often, you describe Fluttershy as a "spa partner" or a "yellow Pegasus," and you also describe Rarity as a "unicorn" or, most clunky of all, a "Carousel Boutique owner."The problem with these statements is that you're forcing the reader to go through a lot more work than they have to to identify which pony you're referring to. Within the span of a paragraph, a good rule of thumb to use is to limit your character epithets to two maximum, maybe three if you have a really good reason. That is, within the span of one paragraph, refer to Fluttershy only as "Fluttershy" and "she." It may seem limiting, but your story will become far cleaner and easier to read. "She," after all, is a far quieter phrase than "spa partner," and unless you use it to start every sentence, "she" is a rather invisible word. As it stands right now, your rampant use of LUS is loud and distracting to me.
Other than that, however, well done! I hope to see more stuff from you!
5533683
I thank you for your comments, but I must confess I do feel the opposite. I actually do go out of my way to put some variety in describing who is speaking while keeping it relevant to that speaker. I do understand though if you don't have a solid background on the characters you can get lost with who is who. A majority of my writing is fan fiction where I write to an audience that knows the characters.
I will take your comments to heart though, as I continue on this journey of My Little Pony fan fiction. I also wish to thank you for your other comments. I feel that characterization and its development are the main reason for me writing. I fear that my use of LUS may continue but I'll see if I can curb them.
5533715 Trust me, I felt that way at one point, too! The thing is—and I apologize if I come off as too frank—LUS is not a stylistic choice. It's a syntactical error. Word variety is good, but you'd be putting it in the wrong place if you wanted to replace "she" with "the yellow pegasus."
Here's the problem I have with your justification: for someone, like me, who is familiar with MLP lore, you don't need to add LUS for added description because we already know who Fluttershy is. It just clutters up the prose. And for someone who is unfamiliar with MLP, it's actually still not a good choice to add LUS to your stories, because it's not very good description. If you introduce Rarity in an expository format, as in "Rarity stepped out of her Boutique, which was both her home and workplace," readers will accept the information and read further. If you just tell your new readers halfway through the story that Rarity is suddenly a "Carousel Boutique owner," they won't accept it as new information; they'll just get confused that you're telling them new information about this "Rarity" character all of a sudden. They may even think that a third character has entered the conversation: Rarity, Fluttershy, and the Carousel Boutique owner.
Again, sorry if I come off as offensive, but the consensus around here is that LUS is never a good choice, save for some very specific circumstances.
5533801
I'm offended that you think I was offended. *snicker*
Your second explanation though is rather clear and I do see the points you raise. This is, again, an issue with me. I tend to get bored with repetitive use a word. I make it a point to not start two consecutive paragraphs with the same word. I do see the value of following your course of action. It will take time and experimentation, and in truth it would simplify things.
Thank you again for your comments.
I'm always open to Criticism and Critique, and I do hope I've developed the thick skin a writer needs.
Been done before but I've read worse ones... So all things considered is a fair read.. I often suspected that it was that episode with them in the spa together that caused the Rarity/Fluttershy shipping to really began... Rarity was gushing over Fluttershy quite a bit during that spa trip..
5535679 There are other moments, but the spa is a distinctly Flarity environment. The others tend to visit on occasion, but those two go every week.
Wow thanks I cried
5536374 Yep...
I have found this story by chance and, despite me not being exactly fond of shipping, it piqued my interest enough to give it a try. And I’m glad I did. Despite some typos and a number of roughly structured sentences and paragraphs, I definitely enjoyed reading it! The thought process and message behind the story are clear and quite heartwrenching (and heartwarming at the same time) and yet still give the reader enough food for thought to ruminate on this idea for at least another hour. Thank you for this read!