Have you ever felt unloved or forgotten? Have you ever been abused or misused. Have you Ever wanted to be a Forgotten Colt? Now what if you were a Forgotten Colt. What would you do to escape it?
First story Please give helpful advice and need a person to double check writing.
Page generated in 0.147 seconds
Total duration
1,000 users online
1,722,028 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Great start!
5401089 Alright thanks
Dude this is amazing, do make another chapter please
Good story start, not a bad description of the character. Although some things I did notice that.. uhm... urked me?
Some small details
================
A lot of "I" sentences. You used the word "are" in some places instead of the word "our". Also, I feel you should do your best to never start a sentence with BUT. Just me, you know, little details... Aswell, the re-description of his cutie-mark... during the process of his torture would suffice, stating what it looked like before the incident, you know, a before and after sort of appeal. Instead of re-describing entirely a second time, it really felt like an attempt at filler.
Otherwise you are doing fine.
HeavensRaptor - Horrible at catching his own mistakes but wonderful at finding other's.
5470633 YES FINALLY SOMEONE TELLS ME WHAT I DID WRONG!! THANK YOU!!!
I have like people that say what is wrong because then i can do it write!!! thank you!!!!
Literally i have only one other person say what was wrong with this story and I needed to know if there was stuff wrong. Also do you know any places to send a rough draft to be proof read?
I... wanted to correct so much in this 2nd chapter... I stopped wanting half-way through.
Sorry, I am trying to be polite and not so negative.
Although I am hoping you read my comment and take it as constructive critisim...
1.) With how you have it labeled, Celestia and Luna seem so out of character, it was slightly bothersome. Suggest listing it as Alternate Universe to quell any of that up-rise.
2.) Incomplete sentences and run-on sentences are abundant.
3.) Miss-use of words - There, their being common.
Chosen Sentence!
“Well, once a year the Princesses show up to the hospitals around Canterlot and today is the day that they visit the hospitals!” The doctor said with a real smile. Most likely due to him being able to suck up to the princesses for something.
How my lame-brain would write it.
“Well, once a year the Princesses show up to the local hospitals around Canterlot to give support. It just so happens that today is the day that they visit the hospitals!” The doctor said with a real smile. Most likely due to him being a suck-up to the princesses.
I know, I'm a picky reader...
Even worse now when it comes to me writing! Ugh!
Otherwise your story seems to be picking up fairly fast, although I am curious as to how you are going to explain Wolf not having a horn and wings. Also, Celestia technically got his name right...
A correct guess in something does not make it incorrect just because it is a guess. Just means you have no proof to show that it is correct if asked to prove it.
Dude i write this stuff at 2 in the morning. I don't know why but its the only time i can write.
So be as negative as you want.
Very good chapter and all I saw was that you spelled ponies, pones where blueblood talks about pinky that she is insane
5483505 Ya! I am getting better!!
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/127/1/3/thor_and_mlp_meme_for_fimfic_by_ponpheonix-d64fsvg.jpg
Please more
I am enjoying this story