College student with not that much time on his hands.
Follow the exploits of a single earth pony named Thistle as he moves through the volatile and untamed frontier of Equestria in an attempt to track down a pony important to his pass and present.
The Wild West Era meets Ponies.
Some light to mild violence: (Ponies stabbing/shooting each other, blood, etc.)
Mild Amounts of cursing.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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0 Comments!? UNACCEPTABLE! I will take the challenge of reviewing all of these chapters! One at a bucking time! I'll edit this review as I read on more since I cant't do it all in one sitting! Anyhow, let the review begin!
It may just be me personally, but I don't like how your format it. Just that double space...It's not normal! Most stories don't do that and it's just a little odd reading a story like this. Almost makes my eyes skip paragraphs since they are all basically the same length. Second would be your spelling and grammar. "their only means of leaving Free Water drove pass them." Drive. But I'm sure they will be fixed later in the story. Just makes sure to wait a day then self edit your story. These simple errors will be much easier to spot!
But the set up is nice! I like how this won't be a story about how the Grandfather tries to win over the love of his two city children. It has potential!
Chapter One Reviewed! See Chapter 2 Soon!
-Dj Pyro 3
Well another excellent chapter! A very interesting way for Thistle to fire that revolver! The moment "W" and Hour Glas showed up...DOCTOR WHOOVES! Heh...Shows my true colors! Whoovian forever!
But over all a good chapter. Though I can see something odd coming up. The Earth Ponies as you said "clumsy" handled their weaponry. How do Earth Ponies survive in a shoot em up world like the Wild, Wild, West if they can barely hold there guns while a Unicorn could have 3 Revolvers swingeing around him? Just doesn't seem fair! Same with the Pegasi.
- - - - -
Oh! And the "......................" Has gotta stop! It's annoying to look past. I know what you're trying to do, but the proper way is this. "..." Three dots my friend and you're set! Also when a large set of time has passed you might wanna separate it like I did above. It'll make it more obvious instead of the making the reader scramble around in confusion for a few moments. Remember! Writing is allowing the reader to enjoy the book. Confusion = Lesser Enjoyment. Also I see you're still doing the double paragraph. It's alright not to do it. Just give each spoken moment a single "enter" key and it should look fine. Seperating each paragraph with a double space looks weird on FimFiction! You should check out my story for an example! *Hint, Hint, Wink, Wink!"
Anyways I think that is it for this chapter! I enjoyed it overall and I can't wait till I got time for chapter 3!
-Dj Pyro 3
PS: Does Thistle have a PipBuck? Because that time slowing down effect looks familiar....
1077593
Thanks for the critique so far
, when I have time after finishing up chapters ten and eleven I'll go through my older chapters and do my best to fix all the issues you've pointed out so far. For the little Doctor Who/Whooves reference you picked up I was actually aiming for a dual reference between that and the actual gun manufacturer Smith & Wesson and to answer your question 'bout the Pip Buck I think you'll find it answered in the next chapter.
Warning to all new readers: this comment contains spoilers. If you don't want to read spoilers, DON'T READ THIS COMMENT!
Okay, Docks. I've been meaning to get through this story for a while, but to be honest, I wasn't really interested in the first part. Well, I've gotten through your ten chapters thus far, and now I feel good enough to leave a reveiw of this. You may take my comments/criticisms any way you wish; I'm not a big-shot with Struggling Authors, nor am I really a good writer, but I'm here to help you out.
Let me begin with spelling and grammar. I think you already know this, but you really need to edit this. There was a lot of problems; I was glad, though, that your later chapters had less of them, but they are still there. Here are errors that I either a) saw the most common, or b) stuck out to me:
-misusing semicolons (;)--you do this A LOT.
-hyphens (-)--you need to learn when to use them
-pass, past, and passed--use used pass when you meant past quite a bit
-we're, were and where--this mostly came up in the earlier chapters
-its and it's
-your and you're
-RUN-ON SENTENCES
-mixing up "elicit" and "illicit" (you did this in chapter 2)
-THOSE. DAMN. PERIODS!--Stop using so much in one go. That was frustrating to read!
There are others, of course, but none that were common enough to catch my eye. Please edit these chapters for your future readers.
Moving on to prose. There are a few things to note that I think you need to fix up. Firstly, you have a lot of run-on sentences. Secondly, please stop referring to characters as "the olive brown earth pony" or some stuff like that. That got old quick. Third, stop having characters talk in the same paragraph. That is incorrect, distracting, and confusing.
Also, I don't think you should go with pseudo-cursing (buck and hay) AND cursing (fuck and hell); it's very jarring (to me) seeing them together. I would say either go with one or the other.
Your descriptions were alright, though. The places you described were, in my opinion, vivid enough, although at times the action scenes were hard to follow (but don't take my word for it).
And I must point out two things:
Light does not go into the iris of an eye; the iris controls the size of the PUPIL, and that's where the light goes.
I'm not sure if you know this or not, but willow trees don't grow in the desert. Was this intentional?
Moving on to more important matters!
Let me begin with atmosphere, and here's where I have to praise you. The pacing of this, although slow due to how much is included in one chapter, is nice. The action scenes move along briskly, and the smaller scenes, like the one with Thistle and Snow Pea, moved at a more relaxed pace. That was nice.
Even though this single sentence needs to be broken into three sentences, and you used the wrong "you're" twice, this little bit stuck out to me as a great one. I think it sets the atmosphere of that setting nicely.
Getting to your characters, you have a somewhat-interesting cast here. Characters that stuck out to me were Bitter Sweet, Snow Pea, Stone Tail and Ibn-Sadd. Highcrown was good, and Black Wings was good. Unfortunately for me, everyone else--Red Weeds, Bulwark, Soft Touch, and, unfortunately, Paz--fall flat for me.
Now for the other four characters: Ballad, Dusty, Sugar Sap and Thistle. Ballad, Dusty and Sugar Sap are alright characters. I like the reactions the two younger characters have to the story, and Ballad is enjoyable.
And then we get to your protagonist, Thistle. Again, take this with a grain of salt: I didn't find him interesting UNTIL Stone Tail died. Before that, he damn-near bordered on Gary-Stu territory for me: a bitter stallion who's great at working his revolver. I couldn't see a fault in him; he just seemed to do everything and gain everyone's trust. When I saw how he reacted to a failure, and he mused on those he lost, THEN he became an interesting character to me. And I'm glad to say he continued to be interesting as the story progressed.
Now getting to the plot of the story. I'm going to begin with the smaller plot with Ballad, Dusty and Sugar Sap. The introduction was fine, I suppose, and their initial reaction to staying there was good. Their reactions to how the story progresses, even as they have to wait, was great. Their plot line was nice.
MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW!
Okay, so the plot goes in this order: defeats Red Weeds at Agua Fria, kills a buffalo, goes to Cross Roads, gets a job by Highcrown, has an ordeal with Paz, gets a job escorting a zebra prince, loses Stone Tail, moves on to Mareizona, has buffalo coming at wherever he's at (seriously, I can't remember), has a talk with a guy who's hunting him . . . and that's where I'm at.
-The Agua Fria scene was good.
-The buffalo scene seemed a bit OOC for the buffalo, but it is your universe. It was . . . okay.
-Going to Cross Roads, it does slow down maybe just a hair too much.
-His meeting of Highcrown was great.
-The scene with Paz wasn't as good as it could've been, but I think it's because it confused me. I didn't care for Paz, though, so I couldn't care for this scene [in contrast, the little scene with Thistle and Snow Pea was excellent].
-His going to escort the zebra was good. The part where Stone Tail dies was the turning point for me; this was where things actually became interesting [fix up the grammar and take out all of those damn period lines and I'd consider it good].
-His going to Mareizona was . . . okay.
-The buffalo attack was . . . okay.
-His conversation with Black Wings was good.
The main two things I'd complain about the plot?
1. Everything concerning Highcrown's plans was very confusing, and I felt myself frustrated trying to figure it out (I haven't).
2. I don't know what he's caring for. I can understand it probably has something to do with his father, but I couldn't latch onto him from the beginning because it didn't seem like he cared about anyone.
Also, I'm not sure whether the griffon/gryphon (I must ask why you spelled it both ways) uprising in the north has any significance to the story. Not a complaint; I'm just curious.
END OF MAJOR SPOILERS
SO THERE I HAVE IT! Now, I'm actually very intrigued by this story. You have some good characters, your atmosphere is alright, and your plot seems to be moving along nicely. However, there are a lot of problems: your plotlines are kinda confusing--you're writing on a big scale with Thistle's quest to find the pony in the picture and the griffon uprising and the gang of rustlers and Thistle's inner dilemma, and I don't see how they all fit with Thistle--, almost everything with Highcrown is confusing, some of your characters aren't very interesting, and your language, spelling and grammar need to be fixed.
Now, I'm not going to tell you this without giving you some suggestions as to how you can fix this up, so here I go:
-Develop something Thistle cares for early on that's related to his whole quest, so we can know we're following a character and not some unstoppable unprovoked force.
-If you're going to have major side characters (like Paz), give them a bit more time to develop with both Thistle and each other.
-Edit this.
-Quit describing your characters over and over again.
Again, this is not meant to discourage you in any way; it's only meant to help you. Again, take these comments/criticisms any way you wish.
This is all I have thus far. This will get a thumbs up from me, but not a favorite . . . not yet, at least.
With that, I wish you the best of your talents with the rest of this!
Edited Chapters are now up and once again a massive thanks to Not Worthy and DJ Pyro 3 for the critiques. Changes include (hopefully) mopping up all the errors and typos and some changes to the chapters' dialogues to make them flow better. Now to get this train back on track!