Judge Maudy
(A/N: the following chapter is crackfic-y, but it contains a plot point. Just warning you).
“Royal court is now in session!” called Twilight to the courtroom, which quieted down. “All rise for the honorable judge, Princess… um… Maud.” Twilight raised a hoof, and the ponies clopped their hooves against the ground in appreciation as Maud entered the courtroom, climbing up to the judge’s podium and sitting down.
“Maud, are you sure you can do this?” Twilight whispered to Maud.
Maud did not respond. She just sat there, stroking her pet Boulder, who sat in her lap contentedly.
“Um…” Twilight said, looking forward again. “The, the first case: Loose Leaf vs Tip Tap.”
Two mares entered the courtroom, walking down the aisle. They arrived at the small podiums facing the judge, all the while glaring at each other. A guard entered after them, carrying a small bundle.
There was a pause. “Um, Maud?” Twilight whispered to Maud. “Now you ask them questions regarding the case.”
There was an uncomfortable silence in the courtroom. Finally, Maud began to speak. “Why are you two here.” She said in a bored-sounding voice.
“I’m so glad you asked, your honor! You see, my darling little-“
“No, it’s MY darling!”
“No, it’s MINE!”
“No, you lousy-“
“Maud, call order to the court!” Twilight hissed from the corner of her mouth. “Use the gavel! Get their attention!”
“Enough.” Maud said, in a voice barely louder than her normal voice. The two mares couldn’t even hear her; indeed, Twilight could barely hear her.
Then there was a loud clatter, as a shower of pebbles cascaded across the courtroom floor. That got the mares’ attention; they looked at Maud, confused.
“I have plenty. Don’t make me use more.” Maud stated, holding up a pile of small rocks.
Twilight slammed her face into the desk she was sitting at. “Not the gravel… the GAVEL! The hammer!”
Maud looked at Twilight. “But if I threw a hammer at them, that could seriously injure them.” She said, the ever-so-slightest note of confusion entering her voice.
Twilight raised her head, just so she could slam it down again. “Just… just move on.” She muttered.
“Now then.” Maud stated, pointing at Loose Leaf. “You. Tell me your side of the story.”
“Well…” Loose Leaf sniffled. “It’s my darling son, my darling little colt… he’s been stolen by… by that MONSTER!” She pointed at Tip Tap, and there was a collective gasp from the crowd.
“That’s a filthy lie! I-“ Tip Tap’s interruption was interrupted by more gravel clattering against the ground.
“Wait until your turn.” Maud stated, setting down her newly-aquired bucket of gravel next to her throne.
Twilight hit her head on the desk yet again, then she leaned over to the stenographer. “Hit me with your typewriter as hard as you can. This isn’t doing it for me.” She whispered desperately.
“Loose Leaf.” Maud stated.
“Well… my son… he was in the background playing, when that crazy mare over there came over the fence, and… and stole him!” Loose Leaf bawled. “She’s completely mad!”
Maud paused. Then she turned to Tip Tap. “Your turn.” She said simply.
“Well, now, her story is a dirty rotten lie! In fact, it’s the OPPOSITE of what happened!” Tip Tap cried, enraged. “It was SHE who stole MY darling little colt!”
“No, don’t you see? He’s MINE!”
“No, MINE!”
“Enough.” Maud said, and the mares actually listened, not wanting to be pelted with more gravel. “Is that the colt there?” She said, nodding at the bundle which was still held by the guard who had carried it in.
In response, the bundle squirmed, and a tiny head poked out, yawning.
“Well then. Let us go with the simplest solution.” Maud said. She looked to one of the guards who lined the courtroom. “You there. With the axe.”
A guard carrying an axe for his weapon looked at Maud, confused.
“Cut the baby in two.” Maud said, her voice unwavering and firm, pointing at the baby.
There was a collective gasp. “Maud! You can’t-“ Twilight said.
“I have made my decision.” Maud said simply. “Each mare will get half of the baby.”
She looked at the guard. “You have your orders.” She stated.
Everyone looked at Maud, unable to tell if she was joking. Her attitude seemed serious enough. Finally, the axe-wielding guard walked over, reluctantly.
“You’re… you’re actually going to go through with this…” Twilight said, glaring at Maud. “You’re a monster.”
Maud just stared forward, at the two mothers.
The baby was placed on the floor. Just as the guard raised his axe, though, Loose Leaf cried out, “NO! Please! She can have the colt! She can have him! Just spare his life, please!”
Maud immediately pointed to Loose Leaf. “That one. Give the child to that one.”
There was a pause, and then Loose Leaf began weeping. “Oh, thank you, THANK YOU!” She cried, collapsing onto the podium.
“What?! I don’t – why –“ Tip Tap stuttered, baffled.
“The one who cares more about the colt’s life than his possession… she is his mother.” Maud stated. “The case is closed.”
With that, there was a murmur from the crowd, regarding Maud’s controversial method, as the two mares and the child were escorted out of the courtroom.
Twilight looked up to Maud, smiling. “That was clever, Maud. Threatening the baby like that to get the mother to react. Very clever.”
Maud didn’t respond, staring forward and stroking Boulder.
“That… that WAS just a threat, right?” Twilight said nervously. “You weren’t really going to…”
“Bring in the next case.” Maud called to the guard at the door.
XXXXXXXX
After the first, dramatic case, the court grew more boring. Mainly legal issues, territory disputes, requests for supplies to faraway towns. Maud continued to give practical, yet simple answers, all the while not reacting to anything.
Finally, the sun began to set, and the last case of the day arrived. Into the courtroom walked a unicorn with pale brown fur.
“Why are you here?” Maud said in that same, bland tone she had used for all the other cases.
The pony looked to the left and right, shivering a little.
“Sir.” Maud said, leaning forward.
Then, without any warning, the stallion burst into green flame. A second later, in the stallion’s place stood a sneering changeling, the sunset’s rays flickering off of its black shell.
“DEATH TO THE PRINCESS!” The changeling roared, its horn beginning to glow. “DEATH TO EQUE-“
The angry cry was abruptly cut off when something small whizzed right at the changeling, striking him hard right between the eyes. The insect was immediately knocked out cold, the magic fading from his horn as he fell to his side, eyes closed.
Twilight stared. “Did… did you just throw a rock at him?” She said incredulously.
Maud did not respond, her expression wasn’t even the slightest bit changed. Instead, she got up and glided down to the changeling’s unmoving body. She picked up the rock which she had hurled at the would-be assassin.
“Nice going, Boulder.” Maud said to the rock, her voice monotone as ever. “You stopped that assassin.”
Maud looked to the crowd, her voice raising ever so slightly. “I have a new royal decree.” Maud stated. “Boulder, the sedimentary rock, is officially my new royal bodyguard.”
And with that, Maud left the courtroom, leaving a stunned crowd of ponies in her wake.
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I am so happy!
Does he get a badge?
There must be a badge, right?
Maud of all ponies becomes a princess. This can only end in awesome. Track 4 now, will read later.
Boulder is very protective.
I am so sorry, but I simply must.
This story rocks.
Your killing me of laughter with this story. I love this fic.
(Just wish I wouldn't have read this during bussiness class.)
Princess Maud Pie and her esteemed royal bodyguard, Boulder the Sedimentary Rock.
We no longer need the other princesses, you know.
My sides. I love this story.
5119154 Here, allow me.
i.imgur.com/CzPWFZW.gif
Would a sedimentary rock be *glass pull* tough enough for the job? Shouldn't she get a metamorphic instead?
5119174 And cheat on Boulder?! Never!
Maud is best judge!
All hail Maud Pie. Princess of rocks.
Why does it have to be a changeling that does this? T_T
Next episode: Tom becomes Royal Cancellor.
5119385 plot point for later.
Yes, a plot does emerge eventually.
5119387 I gotta remember that one, thx
Noice.
You earn a mustache!
Once again this entire story was brought to you by ROCKS!
They're magically delicious
Get Used To IT!!!
5119402 Oh ok. Because i thought it was just a gag because of "CHANGELING ARE EVOL!"
I am stunned...
I really, really want to read this story just from that brilliant title and synopsis.
*squees* So nervous-cited!!!
5119725 a plot will gradually emerge. Eventually.
This was an okay and rocky chapter.
A bit too many CAPITAL LETTERS for my taste. And the writing seemed a bit less-edited than your previous chapters.
Some sentences felt forced, while others seemed unnecessary.
Regardless, thank you for sharing your talent. You have so much potential!
Eager to read more.
Ahh, such an entertaining story. Maud never will change, will she?
Not to mention, THE BEST BODY GUARD YET!!!
I loved Rainbow Rocks for showing us how retarded Maud really is.
5119748 eesh. That bad huh. I'll see what I can do. I apologize.
5119777 I SPENT MONTHES SEARCHING FOR ONE, BUT I FOUND ANOTHER COMMENT!
All of my yes goes into this, all of it.
Huh. It rocks. Move along.
;)
Typos:
Chapter #2
When you press its cutie mark, it’s talks!
- it talks
#3
Me, Luna or Cadence will just take over her court duties
- I, Luna or Cadence will
#4
“Well… my son… he’s was in the background playing,
- he was
AWESOMENESS. MAUD IS BEST PONY. Besides Nyx, if you count her...
Wow, Boulder is so heroic and brave. I wish to be just as brave when I grow up.
5119968 thank you very much, I'll get right on those when I get to an actual computer. (I'm in my phone right now)
This story is hilarious and absurd!
I'm going to have to keep reading this. Because of rocks.
Maud threw a rock at that changeling...
How does it still have a FACE!?
Maud used ROCK THROW!
Critical hit!
It's super-effective!
CHANGELING ASSN fainted!
Maud gained 247 EXP.
5120412 Boulder grew to lv. 74
This seems somewhat familiar... I beleive I read it in a book somewhere. Babel? Boble? Bibal? Something like that, anyway.
5120611 Yeah, it as done by that dude that enslaved a bunch of demons! I think his name was Prince Samantha?
Should have a future chapter where Maud somehow is informed that she has suitors wanting her hoof in marriage but she turns them all down in her usual Maud way.
5120713 ... dagnabbit! How'd you figure it out?! That was legit one of the chapters!
Flipping psychics. ..
5120611
In the Bible were King Salomon had the exact same case and solved in the exact same way
5120537
Boulder wants to learn SELF DESTRUCT!
Forget a move to learn SELF DESTRUCT?
5120729 huh... would have expected a "maybe" answer.
Okay, this was just beautiful.
Looking forward to seeing what Maud will do next!
So, when is Dash going to be giving her flying lessons? Given Rainbow's rock solid reputation as an excellent flyer, she seems the logical choice.
5120748
>> Yes
Which move should be forgotten?
Rock Slide
>>Harden
Stone Edge
Spikes
Should Boulder forget Harden to learn Self-Destruct?
No
>>Yes, cuz he's a freakin' rock! Why would he need to use harden?!
Little did the the Changeling assassin know, Maud's pet Rock was in reality the world's smallest Geodude and Maud is a 5 time pokemon league champion.
Also as soon as i realized that the two mares were fighting over a baby i knew were that plot idea was going.
5120713 5120729
Why not have her tell them that they must get her dad's approval to court her, only for him to put them to work when they make it to the Rock farm.