My Little Geologist: Rocks are Delicious
“Presenting…. Princess Maud!”
The massive doors opened, and Maud walked through them into a grand room. Within, at a beautiful table, sat the four other princesses. Celestia, Luna, Cadence and…
“Twilight.” Maud stated, nodding at her friend as she sat down at the table. She didn’t even look at the other princesses.
Twilight glanced nervously at Celestia, who simply smiled. “Um, Maud?” she asked. “Shouldn’t you show a little... um…”
“What.” Maud said, tilting her head at Twilight. Then she looked around. “Oh.” She said when her eyes came to Celestia. “You’re the one who turned me into a Princess.”
“Um… yes. Yes I am.” Celestia stated.
There was an awkward pause, during which the Maud continued to stare at Celestia. The elder alicorn looked around nervously. “Um…”
“I never did catch your name.” Maud said, making Celestia jump a little.
“…Beg pardon?” Celestia asked. “You mean to say you don’t know who I am?”
“Why would I? You never introduced yourself.” Maud stated.
“I’m… Princess Celestia.” Celestia replied with some pride in her voice.
Maud just stared.
“Diarch of Equestria?” The pride turned to confusion.
Maud’s staring intensified.
“The one who raises the sun every day?” Confusion turned to desperation.
Maud’s staring intensified.
Finally, Maud’s eyebrows raised a miniscule amount. “Oh. Now I recognize you.” She said in that same bland, monotone voice.
“Oh, good. I was worried that you wouldn’t know who I was.” Celestia said, chuckling.
“No, no, it’s obvious now.” Maud said. “You’re the one whose face is engraved on those pieces of pyrite.”
“Engraved on…pyrite?” Celestia asked, confused.
“She’s referring to the metal used to make bits. You know – fool’s gold.” Luna informed Celestia politely.
Celestia stared at Maud. “You only recognize me… from how my face is stamped on our currency?” She said, a tiny quiver in her voice.
Maud nodded. “How else would I know you.” She asked blandly.
“Maud, with all due respect…” Twilight said, drawing Maud’s attention. “…have you been living under a ROCK for your entire life?”
“Twilight! Don’t be rude!” Cadance said, frowning at Twilight.
“I’d like to live under a rock.” Maud said, drawing attention back to her. “It sounds intriguing.”
There was a pause of the most awkward variety.
Mercifully, the conversation was cut short by the doors to the kitchen swinging open. “Lunch is served, your majesties.” Stated one of the waiters who entered the room. Several trays of covered dishes were whisked out, and promptly passed around.
Celestia received a piece of the finest cake in all the land. Despite all of Luna’s protests, Celestia still had cake whenever she could. (“I’m an alicorn! Alicorns don’t get fat!”)
Luna received a salad with greens and vegetables picked fresh from the castle gardens. It was filled with juicy lettuce leaves and still-moist carrots.
Cadance received her usual: a hoagie with sesame-seed bun, filled with lettuce leaves, tomatoes, and freshly-ground pepper.
Twilight didn’t have refined tastes like the other princesses, so she simply had what she had always had: a daffodil sandwich. Only the finest daffodils were found for the sandwich, of course.
Maud had granite.
“What is the meaning of this?” Celestia asked when Maud’s dish was uncovered. “Is this a joke? Just because she is new does not mean that she is to be mocked by serving her ROCKS!”
“She… requested it, your highness.” The chef said hesitantly.
“Requested it?! Why that is the most ridiculous-“ Celestia was cut off by a deafening crunch. Whirling her head around, she and the other princesses stared as Maud simply lowered her head to her plate and crunched into one of the chunks of granite.
Raising her head, Maud looked around at the other princesses, whose jaws were dropped. “What.” Maud stated, without even the slightest questioning tone in her voice.
“You… you eat rocks.” Luna deadpanned, pointing.
“Is that even possible?” Celestia asked, eyes wide.
“Granite is full of vital minerals, and it also contains calcium. It should really be part of anypony’s daily breakfast.” Maud stated. She picked up another rock in her mouth, and crushed it with her teeth. The others winced at every painfully crunch-filled chew.
“Try some.” Maud said abruptly, holding one of the granite chunks out to Celestia.
“Oh, no, I really couldn’t-“
“Try it.” Maud stated. It wasn’t an order, or even a request; just a blank statement. “It’s good for you.”
Celestia paused, then stated “Pardon me for a moment.” She then stretched her neck over to Luna. “Luna, are our teeth indestructible?”
“What?” Luna asked, bewildered.
“Are our teeth indestructible?!” Celestia asked, desperation and fear in her voice. “I know that alicorns are basically gods, but do our teeth share our powers of indestructibility?!”
“How am I supposed to know?!” Luna asked, exasperated.
Celestia turned back to see the rock right in her face. Celestia squeaked lightly, seeing Maud right in front of her. “Try it.” Maud stated.
“Maud! Sit down!” Twilight cried. “The princess doesn’t have to eat if she doesn’t want-“
“No, no, it’s…. it’s fine.” Celestia said hesitantly. “I don’t… want to be impolite… heh…” She levitated the rock chunk with her magic.
Celestia gulped, and looked at Maud hesitantly. Maud just stared at her, no emotion on her face. Celestia turned back to the rock, and hesitantly put it into her mouth.
CRUNCH.
A nasty-sounding crunch rang around the table. Celestia turned to Luna. “Luna…” she whimpered. “Our teeth are NOT indestructible.”
XXXXXXXX
Twilight, Luna, Cadance and Maud sat in chairs. Three of them were worried, and one of them was impassive. They looked to their left as a door opened.
A pony in a white medical mask exited through the door. Removing his mask, he smiled at the princesses. “Good news – her majesty is going to be fine.”
Twilight, Luna and Cadence all sighed with relief.
“Yes, I have to admit, that was an incredibly nasty job.” The dentist said, shaking his head. “Twelve chipped teeth, and two missing ones! We counted…” The dentist raised a clipboard with his magic. “…fifty-seven fragments which had to be reassembled. Fortunately, you got her to us in time that we could magically reattach them. There is some bad news, though.”
“WHAT?!” Luna roared in the royal canterlot voice. Then she covered her mouth. “Oops… my greatest apologies.”
The doctor blinked. “Quite all right.” He said, his voice a touch shaken. “In any case, the bad news. We had to cast an extra-powerful pain numbing spell on her majesty; otherwise, the surgery would have been excruciatingly painful. However, due to the spell’s power… it won’t wear off for a few days.”
“Oh, so she’ll have trouble eating with her numbed mouth?” Cadance questioned.
“Well, that too… but the thing is, a side effect of this spell makes the subject somewhat… unstable.”
“Unstable?” Twilight asked.
“LOOONAAA!” Celestia said, barging out of the room and hugging her sister. “Do you shee them looona?” Celestia said, pointing out a hoof. “Bunnies… flying bunnies everywhere…”
“Oh. So it makes her cuckoo for choco puffs.” Cadance said bluntly.
“How long until it wears off again?” Twilight asked the doctor nervously.
“Um… three days.”
“Three days?! But – but – she has day court TOMORROW!” Luna cried. “She can’t show up like this; she isn’t fit for work!”
“It’s okay, Luna.” Twilight said, smiling. “Luna, Cadance or I will just take over her court duties-“
“HER!” Celestia suddenly shrieked, and everyone looked to see her pointing at Maud. “I wantsh the purtty one to go ta court! Issha… a royal decreeee-EEEE-eee!” With that, Celestia spun around and began dancing. “I’mma bootiful butterfly walking on rainbowsh!” She cried happily as she twirled through the air.
The other princesses looked at Maud, who was idly petting her pet rock, Boulder. She glanced at them. “What.” She stated.
“Did… did she just make a royal decree that Maud be the one to hold court tomorrow?” Luna said quietly.
“I guess so.” Twilight said. “And there’s no rule saying that a princess can’t make a decree while she’s not mentally sound… We should really add that in there somewhere.”
“Well… I guess Maud’s going to be the judge in court tomorrow.” Cadence said, looking over at Maud. “I just hope she does well.”
Maud looked over. “What is a court.” She stated.
Luna slammed her hoof into her face with the impact of an interplanetary collision. “Equestria is doomed!” She groaned.
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Where is a "staring intensifies" gif when you need one?
The chapter is cute...
But I'm getting a little worried.
Your humor is nearing crack-fic territory. I think you are funny, but I don't want such a wonderful story to be dismissed as silly rambles.
You've done such a wonderful job already!!! Just keep that in mind and have fun.
I love your work.
5119154 warosu.org/data/cgl/img/0078/34/1411418910148.gif
5119965 Twilight Sparkle, you are now banned from making Royal Decrees.
Luna Faust, you are now banned from making Royal Decrees.
Wow i guess they don't get a news paper out on the rock farm, nor do they have proper schooling it seems, maybe Maud and her sisters were home schooled in the only subjects that there patients thought that mattered for running a Rock Farm.
Well, at least Cadance has her own country, and Twilight can always declare Ponyville to be independent of Equestria. Celestia and Luna, one the other hoof... are doomed
5121315 Luna can pack up the Everfree. It is technically still her and tia's property..And since i believe the Everfree is no longer settled by ponies, it only belongs to them.
*coughs again* Cadance and Twilight and Maud are still not gods...
Okay, I need to stop letting that get to me! *calms down* Poor Tia!
5123370
What are you talking about? Maud's always been a god.
lol poor Celestia getting her teeths destroyed lol then she gets em repaired but is heavily drugged to numb the pain which makes her and i quote Pinkie Pie "Loco in the coco"
maybe Celestia needs to get some calsium in her diet
I'm loving this fic. It really plays Maud's character perfectly. And it shows that Maud has no idea that other ponies are from a family of Super Ponies, as well as the fact that unlike herself, not everypony can eat diamonds or other rocks. I wonder what [in your opinion] Maud's opinion of Rarity giving her that diamond was like [other than crunchy].
Maud eats rocks. She makes a good point on the nutritional value, but I prefer it to be in powdered form, lest my own teeth become powder.
Oh, and I think if Maud ever DOES marry, it'll be this guy:
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20081107202405/zelda/images/7/79/Goron_(Twilight_Princess).png
Ya know, cuz he eats rocks, too.
5119766
5148103 Not only that but he's basically MADE of rocks too.
By the way there are a couple of hints at a Darunia x Maud ship in the story Equestrian Epona on this site.
Oi.
Except for the fact that not everypony can metabolize rocks.
Best pink pony princess.
Yep.
This makes me want to do a Maud Pie story...
Loopy Celly is bes Celly.
Humans can totally eat egg shells too, and it has calcium carbonate content. Of course, it's not recommended either
This is starting to become to much for me XD hahahahaa!
Maud is truly the best princess around! hahaha.
Nice man, nice.
And what'd ya know. Maud in this season does live under a Rock. And she loves it.
Poor Celestia.