Sheep in Equestria are often overlooked. Many see them as simple livestock. Others are only vaguely aware they exist. Meet Phyllis, your average Equestrian sheep, as we explore a day in her life on Sweet Apple Acres. Today isn't just any normal day, though. Today will change the course of her life, forever!
For today is the dreaded shearing day...
Editing and Proofreading done by CowabungaDude, Roranicus and Striving for Harmony.
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5047513
Hope it was entertaining :D
We can see this turning into a ponified "Animal Farm" pretty quick.
Liking the perspective from the sheep. Nice twist on things. Excellent start.
5047564
Thanks!
I like how minimal the dialog is in this story. It gives Philis a pack animal characteristic.
5047596
Glad you enjoyed it!
Down with the oppressors!
5048563 :D Indeed!
Hello, I am your WRITE reviewer.
I’ll be reviewing your story, Sheep in Equestria.
From the technical aspect, the story is good. You’ve definitely got the knowhow of writing. Grammar is of a very good quality, and I note (and applaud) your fair use of no less than two semicolons in the first paragraph.
In this regard Sheep in Equestria is good.
But I do have some concrit for you all the same.
The technical function of the story, its use of structure, setting, grammar, imagery, dialogue and pacing, these are all, as I said, good. But for all that, I noted that there’s a certain something absent in the whole.
Let me elaborate. I’ve got a few points to make.
Firstly, this is marked complete, even though Sheep in Equestria is behaving very much like a first chapter. We’ve established a character, been introduced to their world and world-view, and have been tantalized with the prospect of a bold new change. Phyllis doesn’t have any answers, in fact; she’s only just been given the questions. But the short little story ends without much of anything resolved. The only thing that gets closure is the first Why - why the shearing? And even that leads directly onto a new Why - Why use our wool? Again, no answers.
The J-triplets are the best example of this. Are they free? Are they timberwolf chow? Are timberwolves real or the fiction of Tyrants? To our protagonist the truth doesn’t matter anymore - the story is over. Even the resolution made at the end, to be free, is made a bit meaningless for it.
Additionally, the tone of the story I have some small issue with. I’ve no qualm with writing the sheep/pony thing as being an oppressive situation from the sheeps’ point of view, but their just so damn selfish, these woolies.
It’s as if the whole narrative from start to finish is, in a monotone, chanting “misery, misery, misery, misery...” There’s no relief, no insights, no range of emotion. If we remove “oppressed” and “afraid” as qualities for the sheep...there’d be nothing left.
So...yeah, we get it. Their oppressed, and that sucks. But preaching that as hard as it did, Sheep in Equestria turned me off to being particularly interested or caring.
Back to the point of being selfish: the sheep have made everything about them. Why do we get sheared? It’s to degrade us. Why do they use our wool for themselves? More degradation. Any statement ending in a question mark? More degradation, please.
Which Is to say, again, if we remove that single defining quality...there’s nothing left.
The characters are so very flat.
But they’re sheep...they’re supposed to be flat...
Well, no. They’re supposed to be simple and unassuming, yes, but not flat. There is a difference.
Where does this leave us? Well, it’s very much like you’ve given us a first chapter. Phyllis is a blank slate whom, upon discovering the outside world and freedom can discover herself as well. But again, it’s marked complete.
Also, what’s with that comedy tag? There’s no element of comedy in the story, rather; Sheep in Equestria takes itself perfectly seriously. There’s really no reason to have the comedy tag there, in my opinion.
To really put the points down, it plays out like this: Your technical proficiency with words and sentences and paragraphs is perfectly fine, which actually makes the narrative itself a bit of a letdown, because...because the story spends its entirety in setting up the pieces but then never actually sets them moving.
With that said, if your intent was to write a glimpse into a life where nothing changes or can change because even the resolutions to do something simply dissolve anyway, well...then you’ve succeeded. But that’s basically writing what sheep in a field is like in reality anyhow. And about as uninteresting.
...Which does in its way lend an inferred sardonic hilarity to the whole thing, where the story becomes this statement that sapient sheep are in no appreciable way any different than their merely sentient real-world versions. But I’m not sure you were aiming for that particular take on it.
And so: The writing ability is there, the grammar is splendid, but the actual story fails to really give me any sense of having a unique perspective, interesting thought or complex feeling within it. There’s a certain shadow of ‘meh’ that hangs over the whole thing.
But then again, that’s taking this all very seriously. And they’re just sheep anyway, right?
5159647
Thanks for taking the time to review the fic.
To be honest this was a days thought, and a weekends editing. It was to provide a glimpse at Equestria from eyes that don't see it as we often do, and not a story where I was greatly worried about accomplishing great leaps in a grand story arc. At the end of the first draft my pre-readers had to convince me to give Phyllis an epiphany. I was happy leaving her rejoining her heard having just learned what ponies use wool for.
Another wanted me to leave the story open so that I could continue it if it struck my fancy. Who knows, perhaps it will. For me this was more an exercise in writing an angle I thought would be fresh and it got labeled comedy because I view this story to be tongue in cheek.
To me the sheep's views of the world are misguided. As a writer I took the liberty of believing that readers would know that the Ponies are not abusing sheep. Not really. We all know AJ and her family to be kindhearted and caring.
Perhaps I fell short of the mark. None the less, I enjoyed the writing of this one.
5167402 It does come across clearly that this is a canonically stylized Equestria, ie; there's no actual cruel itent with the ponies here. No worries there. Still doesn't ring of comedy to me, though; it has the ring of a good practice piece about it.
It would be neat to see the sheep develop their world view, they can step up and stop taking such a self-depreciating stance on everything. Make themselves heard, contribute, that sort of thing.
My issue with the epiphany is that it doesn't really behave like an epiphany, rather; Phylls shoehorns the new information to fit her maladjusted worldview. If that revelation had instead changed her perspective, given her some new insight, I think a lot of that would be resolved for me as a reader.
5169058
Good to know. Thanks for the additional input!
5169058 I rather like your insight here. I just have one thing to point out, more as a talking point rather than a point of contention:
This is actually where some of the sardonic humor you mentioned comes into play; folks in real life do the same thing, many times without realizing it.
Instead of considering how newly-acquired information might inform, overrule, or contradict previously-held notions and worldviews, folks tend to filter out anything that doesn't agree with their own theories and views.
5175656 Mhmm, its cousin to the Benjamin Franklin effect, that is; the nature by which our cognition is shaped by our actions, not the other way around. We do something, then choose the perspective and opinions which justify and explain that action.
Why do the ponies ignore the sheep when they speak equestrian. You really didn't make it clear what was happening.
5624457 Neither does the show, and the fic was just a play on that fact. In "Sisterhooves Social" AJ, and Applebloom round up some sheep, somewhat physically, and herd them into a pen. There one of the sheep says "You could have just asked." to which AJ slams the gate in it's face and walks off.
We never get an explanation in the show why the ponies ignore the sheep's speech, or why they put them through things like herding, while cows are free to walk around and partake in society (as seen in "A Friend Indeed" when Daisy-Joe arrives at Sugarcube Corner to buy cookies to go with her milk,) even if they do have a communal barn outside of town.
So, with those things in mind this was just playing with the idea that Ponies are oppressive to sheep. I don't have the reason, nor do I presume to know it, but my suspicion is that sheep are not greatly intelligent, and need help to keep them from getting into consistent danger. Perhaps they are ignored because their input is nonsensical, or perhaps they are ignore because their "accent" is so thick some ponies just don't want to try to hear through it.
All that in mind, I leave it intentionally unaddressed.
Hope I answered your question,
Gal
5625097 I guess so. But, when AJ and AB talk about why the sheep hat sheering so much, it really makes it seem like they don't understand and wish they could, instead of leaving it ambiguous.
I enjoyed this story a lot. I have always wondered why ponies treat sheep and cows like cattle, if they can communicate with the ponies and even join in their way of life (there was an episode where Pinkie was treating a cow like a normal customer).
Anyway, I enjoyed the story and how you based it of a sheep's perspective. I hope you continue it, because there was kinda a huge cliffhanger at the end.
Bye!
~Jewel