*THIS IS A SILENT HILL INSPIRED STORY AND IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE*
After Nightmare moon was defeated and transformed back into Princess Luna, She begins experiencing disturbing nightmares on a daily bases. After eight weeks of unrelenting nightmares. Celestia convinces her little sister to allow her preform a mind-delve spell casting her into a Canterlot in a veil of fog with unknown monsters. Fighting would be suicide so hiding is her only option if she wants to survive, as she discover her deepest fears and when she does, will she be able to face them?
Chapters (2)
Still no comments? Well let's change that
Ok, before I forget.
What with this lantern? It keeps fading in and out of reality. (If I just missed something, than sorry, it's quite late at night)
And this
Her*
Cast*
Ok, now that it dealt with, I'd like proceed to my ranting
(not really, just want to set some things straight)
First of all - does this is the same universe that was in original SP? And when does this takes place?
It's just that in original SP Mind Delve was not forbidden, Vincent created it not so long ago, Celestia casted it on Twi in "Studying the Mind Delve" and suggested to show it during her magical exam.
Also, it works as gateway to hell only in Ponyville, in Canterlot it worked perfectly fine. In semi-canon "Silence of Ponyville" it is said that any kind of mind spell is dangerous in Ponyville cause of something that wasn't explained that well.
I really think that this chapter should've been divided in two. That was a major change, this usually comes with new chapter (heh, I always say to wright bigger chapters to another Silent Ponyville writher, and look at my now). As one chapter it fells strange, kills a little bit of suspense.
Argh! It is hard to tell what I want, English isn't my native language.
Ok, just look. Celestia casts spell, Luna wakes up thinking that she just fell asleep in the library, raise the Moon, goes to solarium but runs to the dead end, she questions what is going on, and here you end the first chapter. And you go back to her in the room, going though her stuff in the next chapter. I think this would be better pacing.
As for Luna, she is written good, you made her alive, not a robot on tracks. Only one thing seemed steerage
-Hm, there is something strange is going on here, and this stage guard didn't answer to me... Oh well, I'll just trot away.
Come on, in this situation she should be at full alert and ready to fight! Though I understand that you needed to injure her wing, and the surprise attack is the best way to do so.
But over all - like and fave.
I know, I kept on feeling the need to reenter the lantern into the story. I know it seems out of place but her only using her magic seemed a bit overpowered. I will try to deal with that in the next chapter brain trauma would be a good way to keep her from using magic. Thanks for the input. I've been waiting for someone to give their thoughts. I will try to address the things you pointed out through either minor editing or in the next chapter. P.S. Try to look for a hidden YouTube Easter Egg in the next chapter.
Wow, you actually divided it in to two chapters. Glad to help.
Well, I've noticed some mistakes, so here we go.
The lamp strikes back! Even after you removed it out of story for some time, it still managed to pop out of nowhere! I'm sure that if you'll look close, you'll find "Property of Pinkie Pie" written on it
Nightmare Moon*
Umm... What's the point of thous actions? If that was to calm down, you should specify it.
No* ?
I think it's No*. And I notice that you change time few times (damn, that sounded strange). You write in past simple (I think it's called that way, don't remember), but slip in to present simple some. Like: she knows, skips, looks. If you chose past time, you should stick with it.
There should be of* it's body.
Damn, that mental image
Probably hooves*
Wall coming*
I think you need a proofreader, who will help you to hunt down grammatical mistakes and holes in narration.