i am very creative, i like animals, and also mythical creatures
Ian has had a rough and lonely life ever since his parents died. His world gets turned upside down when he is randomly pulled into a vortex and wakes up as a pegasus in the outskirts of Ponyville. Will Ian be able to adjust to this new change?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is my first fanfiction so I hope you all like it!
Recommend you submit this to a few proofreading groups.
Just glancing through it, I noticed a few grammatical errors, namely capitalization, possession, "He before I", and so on.
Many times, you directly tell the reader things. "He was a 12-year-old boy. He had black hair."
BOOORING. This is called "telling". What you should do is "tell". What I mean by that is describing through vivid scenes rather than facts.
Something like "His curling locks of midnight hair were marred by a white streak running down the middle like a jagged lightning bolt."
Okay, that's a little cheesy, but you get the point, right?
Your chapters are extremely short. Even if you combined ALL of your current chapters into just one, it would still be much shorter than most other standard chapters. In the future, try to aim for maybe 1,500-5,000. That's not an iron rule, but just a general guideline. Short chapters are no fun.
A final point: Human in Equestria is the devil's game. You're either going to get destroyed by dislikes or rocketed into the feature box. Or, you might just fall into the oblivion of nothingness.
So you're probably super depressed by now, but don't fret! Many people start out their writing careers with a simple Human in Equestria story. I know I did!
We all start from somewhere, and hopefully you continue writing and continue improving.
Have fun, good luck, benxlabs out.
Hmm. I'm not sure how to make a decent commentary. I see you can write well: the sentences do most of what they should be doing. There are mistakes there, sure, but I'm willing to attribute them to some sort of hurry to get this story out? Which usually happens for a first story, I'd say: it happened similarly with me.
So I think there is potential, and that you can show whatever you want to be going on, but... how things are going on is usually just as important as what things are going on. Your sentences only seem to show whatever happens, without many description or qualitative details. The way you do it furthers the plot a lot faster, but... it doesn't make the story feel as alive or endearing as others, y'know? The reader needs to get a decent image of everything that's going on, and it's hard to get very invested if that doesn't happen.
That said, just keep writing and keep reading. Experience is always a good thing. Good luck!
I did notice the short chapters. I was just trying to seperate the times I wrote. I the future I will probably not use chapters. I will also try and make things more interesting. should in the next fanfic? I change it or leave and learn from my mistakes and do some of the things suggested
Mares and gentlecolts, the humble Rainbow Dash.
This story is going super fast. It's like rd on a suger rush
Why specifically turn into a pony? There are a lot of sentient beings in Equestria, and even here on Earth dolphins may be sentient. So why not a gryphon or a dragon? Is the universe supposed to store information of the main sentient race and their anatomy so that if a member of the main sentient race goes to another universe, he/she keeps being that way and not what they are supposed to be?
4971508 Shut up and read about ponies like a man.
5015201 i.imgur.com/jqARWc9.jpg