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uTTerAbsurdity
Joined 27th Jan, 2012 ·
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Hmm... nice story.
I eagerly await more
The summary caught my eye, but I ended up skimming through the long flash back, and, because of my boredom, ended up skipping the fight with the wolves as well. That's probably just me, but if you think that's something you could improve on then I'm glad to have helped.
The main reason the summary caught my eye was the way it was narrated. I really liked it. I was expecting that from the story, but didn't see that much. Maybe you could work on that?
- Cream Puff Pony
460103 Yeah, I admit the flashback was probably a little too long. I guess I just got a little carried away.
As far as the narration goes, I'm usually about 50/50 when it comes to that. I like giving detailed descriptions to make the story more immersing (guaranteed, that doesn't work every time.) but then many times my more spontaneous/comedic side will barge in and I could go off on a tangent for a while. I usually try to control it and work it in gently. I really suppose I could go either way with this story. I could keep it more serious or I could pull it off into left field with the comedy. I guess it's up to you guys.
And thanks for the feedback.
you have found a track and twilight would not use rayquaza she would use a phycic type poke'mon for the similarities to magic
461224 You are correct. It doesn't make the picture any less epic but yes Rayquaza would not be a first choice. Sadly though, I looked and I can't find any pictures of Twilight and Gardevoir.
461607 damn you poke'knowledge not letting me remember exactly what poke'mon that is isn't that kresalias female evolution I belive I would see rarity with something more like gardevoir and Twilight would have something more like alakazam
461617 But Gardevoir's so awesome!
.....Wait, how did I not see this? Mewtwo! It's the perfect pair!
461646 no mew two is to violent mew would be a better choice mew is ussually non-violent (I say ussuallt because of I beleive the first movie where mew and mewtwo turned ash to stone accidentally mewtwo made the clone poke'mon)
461654 True. True.
461697 now we need to figure out the other poke'mon partners lets see I see fluttershy with one of the cuter pokemon skitty togepie something like that rainbow I see with skarmory no hmmm some fast bird poke'mon staraptor maybe applejack hmmm not sure of her rarity I still think gardevoir pinkie noone will ever know and spike I would see with either ponyta, rapidash, or a dragon type pokemon
461714 Fluttershy I think would go well with Chansey. Don't know about RD, maybe Snorelax.
Applejack I can see with Graveler as like a strong, down-to-earth (literally) pokemon. Rarity probably would have Gardevoir. Pinkie would have Togepi because of Metronome. I think Spike would have a Machop. It's strong, macho, same shape as him and would likely grow bigger with him.
461850 I see except rd I agree rd would have a awesome cool whatever she calls it poke'mon that can fly and move fast no wait applejack would have a grass type such as meganium
461863 It's settled then. Looks like we've got a pretty good team here.
461877 yep lets see we got flying fighting phycic normal grass another phycic and another normall meh I wouldn't use that as my battle team but it still would be pretty good I loved this conversation here over the coarse of ten comments we figured out who would have which poke'mon also celestia would have solrock and luna would have that moon shaped pokemon
461894 Totally! And can we stick Blueblood with a Magikarp?
461916 hmm I'm trying to think of something better for him yeah there's no snobbish poke'mon and there isn't a more useless poke'mon magikarp have a thing that is even more useless than you
Does this mean that Celestia's pokemon would be a solrock? Also, he smells fudge? I think that means there's an artifact at work.
462415 Or it could be that the Warehouse's back door is on the fritz. Claudia really needs to fix that.
"Whine/complain/Rarity" got me to laugh. I'm a little concerned about the whole "fell asleep and I'm in Equestria dafuq is this" vibe I'm getting from this. I dunno if you're gonna tell how he got there, but most stories have at least some way of setting it up. With this it almost seems like he just woke up with no actual logical explanation as to how the hell it's even possible. It's a little anticlimatic in my opinion. Like, he just finished fighting two wolves like a badass, went to sleep, and "Oh shit! He's in Equestria!" There's really almost no buildup to getting there. I assume you wanted to include the wolves for the plot device of getting him injured, which I can understand, but there isn't anything leading up towards this spontaneous transportation, unless I totally missed something. It just seems out of place to me. Admittedly most HiEs dont have logical explanations, but they at least have an explanation, however improbable. The only thing that's running through my mind as an explanation is that he died in his sleep, woke up in Equestria unknowing, and encountered a single timber wolf that may or may not have been the wolf that he killed that somehow came through some wierd portal with him. That seems unlikely because you said the fudge was code for "We're not in Kansas anymore." The only other thing possible in my mind, but I don't really understand, is how he could maybe ... I guess just walk(?) through an invisible portal in the middle of a random forest. Ah fuck it. I can't explain magic. I'm too finicky about this stuff anyway. I'll stop ranting now, and I'm sure it'll be explained later on, causing this entire post to be completely unnecessary. Whatever, I'm posting it anyway. =P
464139 Hmm, that whole died in his sleep and then fights the wolf he killed is kinda cool. No, that's not what happened but it certainly would be an interesting, if not deep, way to portray the story.
You actually did get it right though. He literally walked through a portal. I tried to drop the hints of the transition from Earth to Equestria (i.e.: the changes in the shades of the leaves, the smell of fudge, and the patch of poison joke) maybe I didn't explain it well enough. If so, sorry, my bad. But keep in mind that this is just the beginning, things are gonna go a lot deeper from here.
464236
I think you explained it well enough, it just caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting for him to suddenly walk through a invisible portal, with what had just happened earlier, y'know? Idk, I think I'm too nitpicky for my own good. Regardless, I enjoyed it so far.
Also, yeah I blame my active imagination for those ideas lol.
464236Subtle hints were all that were required, and the timber wolf to seal the deal. Nice so far, I'll we watchin'.
466371 Completely understood.
466377 Thanks.
Before I read this the teaser made me think of one thing:
i.imgur.com/8rtrB.jpg
475632 AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That is so freaking awesome!
You get three muffins for that.
477271
Edit: I wrote an unnecessarily long rant on why your bit about him doing kendo is an awful idea. In short: what you described doesn't make any sense with someone who has actually practiced Kendo, unless you're going off some very obscure form in Japan that would not be practical at all. Think about it. If you're going to fight someone with a longsword/bastard sword with what is effectively a short sword...it will not end well. That and that entire section tells me nothing about the character other than I should be concerned that he's going to cross over into Mary Sue territory soon.
If you're going to use something like that as a background focus more on the character, not on the absurd stuff he does. It's an HiE fic, I know the odds of the protagonist not being a self-insert are pretty slim but in the off chance that this isn't you need to focus on who this guy is rather than how "special" he is. More over Kendo would be far FAR less useful for actually fighting than an actual martial style.
I'm disappointed you spent pretty much no time building character for the protagonist. We know so little about him he's one step away from a FPS character at this point and he's not interesting! This is where most authors will say, "Just wait a chapter or two," but I'm beginning to learn that if someone doesn't build things right in the beginning, they rarely get it right later on.
This story isn't bad it...it's just not much. I honestly don't know whether to follow this one or not. We've got no plot, no character, and only the tiniest shreds of a background. I'd like to say the concept is nice but...there's no concept yet besides Random Male Protagonist A wanders into Equestria Ryoga style.
477654 Hmm, I'll be honest, I've never really heard of Mary Sue up until now. Thanks for warning me about this, it's definitely something I'm going to work on.
I'm going to say this right now, this is NOT a self-insert. If there are pieces of my life that happen to coincide with the story, that is only for the sake of taking the story where I want it to go. Also, the Kendo isn't going to be very important to the story in the long run. All I really intended it to be for was to explain the background for the machete. I may have overdone it...unfortunately, I'm rather good at that.
The first chapter is simply a prologue, it's only purpose here is to tell what happened before coming to Equestira.
Now you've kind of backed me into a corner here with the "Just wait a chapter or two" thing because really, everything actually does happen in the next chapter. I'm not claiming to be perfect, I don't think I'm even that great a writer, I'm simply writing this for the thrills. I'm going to hope that I can make it into that small percentage that can make a good recovery, but if not I'll just try again. Practice makes perfect. I know I'm not the best right now, but hopefully I can get a lot better later on.
I also changed the title of the first chapter to say "Prologue." Hopefully, that will clear up some confusion.
I really appreciate the criticism. It was very helpful and I think it probably influenced what happens later on in the story. Thanks a bunch!
If you have more to say or just have some suggestions, I'd love to hear it. Once again, thank you.
479795
http://www.ponylandpress.com/ms-test.html Can't hurt to put the character in and see what comes up.
You wrote a background chapter but...it isn't very background-y (new word!
). You focused on what I believe are the wrong elements. I have very little feel for the character at from the perspective of someone who has done both fencing and kendo, am not exactly happy at your start 
. If anything traditional European fencing, maybe saber (Épée is too thrust oriented as rapier)...but really does it matter?
A machete isn't a standard weapon and it's not like you had him use it in combat appropriately anyway so who cares what style it is. Rather than focus on what he learned, show us how he learned? Was he dedicated? Did he teach others? Did he take to the emotional/spiritual training or just focused on the sport/physical side of things? Does his experiences help define him or is it just a skill the guy has?
Tell us more about the character himself! I want to know who I'm reading about. What does he like? What does he dislike? What are his strengths and weaknesses? Build us someone we can all understand.
484006 Wow, a litmus test for it huh? That's neat-o. I'm definitely going to save that for later.
Hmm, you have a good point about the background chapter having possibly the wrong elements. I've been thinking it over and I believe before I send out the next chapter, I'll go over and rewrite the first one and make it a little more connective-y (?) for the audience.
The machete in my opinion was more of a "character trait" than anything else, I guess. I mean, one of the biggest things that I dislike about HiE fics is where the protagonist has no real way to defend himself. I already knew that I wanted to make him an outdoors-man but when it came to defending himself, I pretty much had two options: either he defends himself with his fist or he uses a sort of sword. He was already a backpacker so I suppose having him carrying around a machete made sense.
As far as character development goes, it really is supposed to get going in the next chapter. I'm pretty sure you noticed but he didn't talk very much in the prologue, when he finally begins interacting with the natives, that's when I intend to have his character start to come out. I agree though, I probably didn't do the best in setting it all up and well, that's what I'll be keeping in mind when I rewrite it.
Again, thanks for the help and the tips. If it's not too much trouble, I would love it if you could follow along with the story and continue of offer critiques on it.
HiE fics are not only my primary story of choice (yes I'm a masochist) but I edit for a couple of people who write them as well so I'll be happy to look over it as you go. Shoot me a PM if you want me to look over anything in particular.
Best of luck to you. We as a community really need more good HiE fics to show that they're not all poorly thought out, self-insert, drivel.
484593 Well golly gee wilikers! Thanks!
A HiE fic that doesn't involve Twilight botching a spell
I am intrigued
>2012
Why must time be so fleeting