Trolls and Orcs
Being tied up by trolls was certainly on the bottom of things I thought would happen to me on this adventure. Well, maybe not the bottom. There are a lot of ways to go in the world: orcs, evil men, dragons. Oh most definitely dragons. Now that I think about it, I was a bit too hasty to leave the Shire. Boring as some days may be, it’s certainly better than being eaten by trolls. I was daft for checking out that rattling sound myself. I’ve got too much Took in my blood.
A soft groan beside me reminded me I wasn’t alone. I rolled over onto my side to see the elf starting to wake. If I had to be honest with myself, she was quite beautiful. The stories of them were true after all, but who was I to believe stories? Baggins believed in facts and I was certainly looking at a lovely fact before me. No, that’s rude. Bad, Bilbo. Bad. She’ll have my head if I keep this up.
The elf’s eyes fluttered open. “Wh-where am I?”
“Ah right,” I grinned sheepishly. “About that. You see, hmm. How do I put this? We’ve been captured by trolls. Very smelly and inhospitable trolls, mind you. Though, I have to admit they do tie quite the knot.”
The elf frowned and sighed. “Taken by surprise by trolls? This isn’t something I’m going to live down, but it’s far from the end.”
I quirked an eyebrow. She was taking this oddly well. I thought she would be panicking. I was, but I’m good at hiding my fears. Well, at least I think I’m good at it. All I had to fear before this was thieving relatives. Baggins, while a homely bunch, do tend to have sticky fingers. I know I don’t. If it isn’t mind, I won’t take it. It’s not polite at all and only brings bad luck. “You seem to be taking this all rather well.”
“So are you,” she smiled, which looked quite good on her.
I chuckled quietly. “Oh I’ve all but panicked myself out before you woke up. Besides, you needn’t worry about me. I have some dwarf friends that’ll be here any minute to save us.” At least I hope they will.
The elf snorted in a rather elegant fashion, but they’re supposed to always be elegant anyways. “I wouldn’t put so much faith in dwarves.”
I frowned. “You know,” I started to say. “You’re right. I shouldn’t put so much trust in dwarves, especially this lot. They’re loud, obnoxious, and stole all my food. Food I spent many an hour gathering mind you and it’ll cost a pretty penny to get all that back. I barely even know them.”
“Is this supposed to give me confidence?” The elf quirked an eyebrow. “They would like your typical dwarves, so we shouldn’t give a sliver of a thought to them saving us. Tis most folly.”
I don’t know why I was so frustrated with what she was saying. I barely knew these dwarves and some of them obviously didn’t want me along. Who would want a hobbit on an adventure? We’re certainly not suited for it, but Gandalf is a strange wizard. I shouldn’t try and defend the dwarves, but I had to open my mouth. “It’s not supposed to.”
“What?”
“You’re right,” I said. “Hoping they’ll save us is stupid, but isn’t it good to hope? I think so. It’s much better than just giving up, in my opinion. Perhaps they’ll surprise us.”
“Or perhaps I’ll save us both myself,” the elf snipped, struggling with her ropes. Maybe she was so skinny that she’d slip out? Is skinny the right term for elves. Perhaps not, so I’ll keep that to myself.
“Mutton yesterday,” one of the trolls griped. Their voices sounded like a hobbit who had an extremely sore throat. “Mutton today and blimey, it looks like mutton tomorrow.”
“Quit your griping,” another troll thundered about carrying two of our horses! “These aint sheep. These is West Nads.”
“Why do we even need these horses?” A snively voiced troll spoke up. “We’ve got that elf and dwarf thing to eat.”
“That aint no dwarf,” the cook snorted as she stirred up his soup. “Its some kind of small human.”
“Don’t smell like a human.”
“Well we’ll see if it’s a dwarf or human when we eat it,” the third commented, causing me to gulp in fear.
Why did I want to go on an adventure again? I knew something would happen, but no. I had to listen to the Took in me. Well let this be a lesson to myself. I’m never going on another adventure. I just hope I can survive this one long enough to remember that. I couldn’t help but release a little whimper, but it got muffled by a hand over my mouth. It was rather soft and delicate. I wonder-
“Be quiet, hobbit.” The elf hissed into my ear. “Do you want to escape or not?”
She swiftly took her hand away. I just stared at her, wondering why I didn’t see this coming. She had such slender arms, of course she could slip through. It’s just too bad the rest of her, except said arm, was tied up in thick ropes.
“Let me go over and taste the small one,” the gangly one licked his lips. “I hate waiting for answers.”
“No one’s eating anything till I say so,” the cook growled, smashing his wooden spoon upon the gangly troll’s head.
“How about I tenderize them a bit,” the gangly one suggested.
“That’s the first smart thing you’ve said all day,” the third one grunted. “I’ll even help you.”
“I need you to distract them,” the elf said.
“Distract them?” My eyes widened in panic. “They could smash me in a second. Just one grasp and pop. I’m nothing more than a stain on the ground. I’m not suicidal, thank you very much.”
“Oh shut up and distract them so I can get out of these, you idiot.” The elf scowled, flicking me on the forehead. “I don’t want to die either.”
“You didn’t have to hit me,” I grumbled. This was it then. I was going to die today following an elf’s plan that I didn’t even know could work. This is just my luck then. How am I supposed to distract them? I know they’re stupid, so I might be able to trick them, but how?
“Go tenderize them then,” the cook growled. “If it gets you both to shut up then do whatever. It’ll be your fault when you ruin this meal, not mine.”
“It’s not our fault that your cooking stinks,” the third troll growled right back and started walking over.
Oh dear. Oh no, no, no. They’re going to crush me. Calm down, Bilbo. Everything’s going to be alright. You’ll get through this. Even if it does go wrong, at least it will be a quick death… that’s not helping. I didn’t have much time to think up a plan for they were already standing over us. I gave them an uneasy smile, trying not to wretch. They smelled horrible. “Hello, gentlemen. A fine night, don’t you think?”
“Gentlemen?” The stringy one scratched his head. “We’re not ‘gentlemen’. We’re trolls.”
“Oh I very much know that,” I nodded. “You’re very fine trolls and that’s why I gave you such a compliment. Only the finest creatures in the land are gentlemen and you sirs fit the description quite well.”
“Well thank you,” the stringy troll smiled. He reached his hand down to grab me.
I panicked. “What are you doing?”
The stringy troll scowled. “I’m tenderizing you. It’s bleeding obvious that’s what I’m doing.”
“You can’t tenderize a hobbit,” I spat out, before I collected myself. I needed to keep calm. They were already glaring at me. “I mean to say that you just can’t. It ruins our taste.”
“What do you know about hobbit taste?” The large burly troll grunted, jabbing a finger at me.
“I know plenty,” I remarked, hiding a smirk. “I’ve lived my life around hobbits after all. I know better than most what makes us tasty.”
“So what makes you tasty?” The stringy troll asked. “Is it sheep’s blood? We’ve got plenty of that.”
“Too much if you ask me,” the burly one grumbled.
“No,” I shook my head. “There simply isn’t enough of what we need.”
“What do we need?” The stringy one asked.
“A lot of things, but we don’t have them.” I sighed. “Besides, hobbits don’t have any meat on us. We’re just flesh and bone, so one hobbit is not going to do you any good.”
“No meat,” the burly one scowled. “That’s rubbish. Everything’s got meat on them.”
“Trees don’t,” I pointed out. I am a genius. “Hobbits are just like trees. We love the sun so much, but our true homes are in the earth, rooted in one place. It’s why there are so many hobbits. No one likes eating us.”
“Is that so,” the burly one snorted. “Sounds like a lot of rubbish to me.”
“Is it really?” I quirked an eyebrow. “Do you know any hobbit cookbooks?”
The burly one scratched his head. “Come to think of it, no.”
I nodded. “My points stands.”
“If you don’t taste good,” the stringy one snarled and balled up his fist. “Then why don’t we just squash you? I’d at least have a bit of fun.” I flinched, waiting for the end.
“Hey,” the burly troll piped up and looked around. “Where’d that elf go?”
“The elf?” I peered over to see the rope just lying there with no one in it. “Oh the elf. She vanished into thin air.”
“What?” The burly one rounded on me. “That doesn’t happen.”
“It happens all the time with elves,” I smiled. The longer I kept these guys occupied, the longer I got to live. Hopefully, Gandalf and the others will come. “Have you noticed how skinny they are? Elves are made of hot air, gentlemen. They’ll pop into nothing if you squeeze them hard enough and I’m sorry to say this, these ropes are just too tight.”
“He’s right,” the stringy one remarked. “They are really skinny.” He groaned and punched the other troll in the arm. “You ruined our dinner.”
“Me?” The burly troll snarled and punched the other one in the face. “The both of you said I should make the ropes tight. How should I know she’d pop? We’ve never eaten elves before.”
“What are you two doing?!!” The cooking troll stood up in anger as the other two brawled. His eyes widened. “Where’s the elf?”
“He popped her,” the stringy one pointed to the other.
“You what?” The cook held out his spoon like a weapon. However, before he could do anything with it, the dwarves rushed out from the woods. Two of them cut along the back of the cook’s legs, causing him to stumble backwards. The oaf hit the cauldron, causing it to till and pour boiling water all over him. He screamed in pain, accidently rolling a bit of his flesh into the fire.
The other two trolls stopped their battle with each and charged the dwarves. It was obvious the dwarves were incredibly skilled as they kept weaving around the troll’s fists and legs, slashing here and there. The only thing that kept the trolls in the fight was their thick hides.
Meanwhile, I’m still tied up. I struggled for a bit, before I saw the elf kneel down before me. She gave me a little smile, which was honestly quite beautiful. She held out a knife. “Do you require aid?”
I wanted to roll my eyes, but I didn’t. “Yes, please.” She quickly made short work of the ropes. “Who are you, anyways? I didn’t catch your name before.”
“Tauriel,” she said, before she quickly stood up and slashed the knuckles of the stringy troll he tried to punch us. The troll squealed in pain. “If you want him-” she stood before me. “-you’ll have to get passed me.”
“That shouldn’t be hard, air thing!” The troll tried to punch us once more, but Tauriel kicked me out of the way, twirled around it and slashed at the creature’s wrist with both her dagger and her sword. Let it be known that she has one strong kick. I’m going to feel it in the morning.
“Enough of this nonsense,” Sarumon just walked out of the woods and pushed out his staff. The stringy troll was pushed back by magic like he was nothing but a leaf and smacked right into another troll. “It’s taken all night to find you and I would like a little time to rest.” He pointed his staff at a large rock and with another blast of magic, destroyed it. The early morning sun started to rise and the trolls screamed as they started turning to stone. I didn’t even know sunlight could do that to trolls. Well, you learn something everyday. The wizard turned to me. “I’m glad to see you well, young hobbit.”
“Umm, well,” I stood up and bowed. “I’m glad to see you too. Timely arrival, if I had to say so.”
“Indeed,” Sarumon bowed his head in turn. “I would have been here sooner, but someone wanted to try a dramatic entrance.” He glared at the forest, where Gandalf walked out of.
“I was going to break that stone myself,” Gandalf seemed to pout. Huh, never would have thought I’d see a pouting wizard. “You always like the drain the fun out of everything.”
“This is a battle,” Sarumon scoffed. “It isn’t the place for dramatics.”
“I beg to differ,” Gandalf rebuked, before turning to Tauriel. He gave her a once over. “You’re a woodelf of Mirkwood. What are you doing all the way out here?”
“Your dwarf companions aren’t the most discreet bunch,” Tauriel sneered. “I was tasked to follow you.”
“Of course you were,” Thorin marched on over to her. “Elves always want to stick their precious little noses where they don’t belong. This journey of ours is none of your concern, if any of you can even feel concern in the first place.”
“Thorin,” Gandalf glared at the dwarf king. “This is not the time or place for such talk. This elf is the only reason Bilbo is still alive.”
“And what a loss that would have been,” Thorin scoffed. That honestly hurt.
“Such disregard for life,” Sarumon spoke in a condescending manner. “I would have expected better of a king.”
“He is a dwarf,” Tauriel pointed out.
“I didn’t give you permission to speak, elf.” Thorin spat.
Okay, this wasn’t going well. If I didn’t do something they were going to fight. “Okay everyone,” I got in between everyone and held up my hands. “Let’s calm down. We’re not enemies.”
“Oh how wrong you are,” Thorin growled, moving his hand to the pommel of his sword.
“Stop that,” I got in front of him. I didn’t know where this bit of courage was coming from, but I wasn’t going to let the person who saved me get hurt. “Sarumon is right. A king doesn’t go around chopping people to bits just because they don’t like their race.”
“You would dare tell me what to do?”
I gulped and fidgeted in my spot. “Well, I wouldn’t dare tell you. I’d just suggest it, but I’d suggest it strongly. I stand by that, if you must know.”
Thorin just looked at me, before lowering his arm. “You have stern conviction. Good, maybe you’ll actually get your job done, burglar.” He narrowed his eyes. “Don’t get in my way again.” He marched away.
I sighed in relief and felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see Tauriel smiling at me. “Thank you for that.”
“It’s no problem,” I rubbed the back of my head in embarrassment, blushing slightly.
“You actually managed to get through to him,” Sarumon looked impressed.
“I told you he is no ordinary hobbit,” Gandalf just looked so proud, before he frowned and looked to the trolls. Something was troubling him about them, but I wasn’t going to pry.
_____________________________________________________________________
Fighting these orcs would have been foal’s play if I was back in my realm. The sun here was just so weak that even now I was having trouble keeping up with my magic depletion. I had to resort to using the orcs own swords and shields to fight through the streets. I could turn them all the ash, but I still needed to save my strength. Smaug wasn’t likely to let me outside for quite some time after this. Who would blame him? Perhaps I would.
Now that we weren’t the same species, my mind seemed to be clearer. I needed to watch myself the next time. I was letting my instincts get the better of me. I was going to leave this world. He was chaining me here. That chain needed to break, yet, I was wary. There had to be some good in him. I had seen it. I had felt it.
I parried an orcs strike and stabbed him through the neck with a sword. That sort of thoughts would wait till later. For now, I had orcs to slay. I hated killing them. They were living beings too, but it was the only way I could protect the villagers. I could petrify them all, but again, I didn’t have the magic for that right now. No matter. I knew I shouldn’t feel for them. They are a race of evil. I can sense it in their hearts. They can’t change what they are… This just makes this all the more saddening.
Several more orcs rounded the corner. I simply snorted, picking up all the loose swords and knives around me with a single thought and throwing them at them. The orcs screamed in pain as they fell. I hated all of this. Two orcs tried to jump me. I smashed them together with a flurry of magic and threw them so hard into the lake that they surely drowned. I loved it as well. All life is sacred, but this… This brought me back to a time where I actually got to do things myself, instead of letting Twilight handle them. It made me feel young and spry. Killing was more Luna’s forte, but I would do what I must.
Then something smashed into me, smashing my side against a house. I’m thankful my wing was up and out of the way, or else it might have broken. Might, is the key word since these houses aren’t really made of stern stuff. I tried to move, but as it turns out, it was some sort of net that covered me from head to toe. I tried to use my horn, but the black net stung me. It was as though it was made of pure dark magic. My magic waned and I grit my teeth to stop the pain.
Someone chuckled. It was deep and full of malice. “You’ve been giving my soldiers trouble this past hour,” the creature spoke in some hoarse dialect. I’m thankful I cast a translation spell, just in case some of the humans spoke another language. “But you are still just a horse.” The creature that walked up to me was a one armed, pale orc. There was something foreboding about him. His eyes shone with determination and intelligence, not a combination you want to see in an enemy. I needed to get out of this now. So I started to channel the magic into my horn. “Seize her.”
Seven orcs rushed to my side. “No!” Was all I said as I unleashed my spell. They all turned to ash, incinerated in the blink of an eye. The net was unharmed and I scowled because of it. I wasn’t strong enough to break this magic. Again, I wished this had taken place in my world. I would have broken this fairly easily, but here? No, I was not going to be taken prisoner.
The pale orc pulled his head back and laughed. “You still have some fight in you. Good. I can’t wait to see my master take that away.” I tried to channel my magic again and kill this fiend. He saw it coming for he raised his mace and-
I screamed like no other. Pain. Absolute pain. He struck my horn, shattering it with his weapon. The horn is a sacred portion of ourselves. We need it to survive and an alicorn’s is the strongest. I should have broken the mace. I’m an alicorn, but.. I hate this world. I hate this pain. The magic I was funneling into it came back to bite me and I thrashed. I screamed in such pain, droplets of blood painted the ground as I writhed in such agony.
The beast just laughed. “I just can’t wait.”
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Love the new cover art :)
Smaug is going to kill all the orcs, now. His jewel was shattered.
cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/59087161.jpg
This is how a picture Smaug reacting in about 3 minutes from now. I expect he may even look like this as he likes the new found amusement of slaughtering in his current form.
Oh fuck
Well, Azog's done defiled the last thing he'll ever defile.
He's dead.
Elves are apparently made of hot air. This explains far more than it should.
Whelp. Bye Orcs. Don't let the fireballs hit you in the butt on your way out.
Oh no...that orc is in for it now...one thing about dragon treasure...never defile it
Very nice to see you back, been looking forward to reading more of this, and the update did not disappoint. Not sure if you like editorial help but I just can't help myself sometimes.
*If it isn't MIND, I won't take it.*
There was something else too, but I can't seem to find it now...
Anyway, awesome chapter, can't wait for the next one.
Oh, and do me a favor. When Azog finally gets his, really take your time describing the gritty details...
Nobody hurts my Celly and gets away with it.
~Dollars.
"Gonna take his mace and shove it up h...." Fades into unintelligible muttering.
6776223 I thought of that exact same thing... There's, just no better way to say it.
He done goofed, end of story, it seriously only needs one more chapter. Smaug torches all of middle earth in revenge...
~Dollars.
Great chapter! Looking forward to the next!
Hehe, ya, Bilbo is no ordinary Hobbit for sure, he is a Master Hobbit.^^
Also, yikes! One great Fire-Drake pissed of beyond everything mere mortals cold ever hope to comprehend incoming in T minus five, four, three...
Smaug totally heard her scream of pain. Without a shadow of a doubt.
Am I the only one here who wants to see Bilbo get shipped with Tauriel?
The way you write Bilbo's inner voice is spot-on. I hadn't even gotten to his name before I started hearing it in his voice.
Very nice chapter, looking forward to Smaug's vengeance for daring to harm his "jewel".... oh! By the way it's Saruman not Sarumon
I LOVED how you wrote Bilbo. Very spot on and the hogwash he used to stall the trolls was perfectly humorous. And perfectly fit Bilbo's character.
I didn't expect that ending. I know for a fact a certain hot headed drake heard his precious jewel's torment. There's going to be so much fire...
I just thought of something since Smaug is such a powerful dragon would he have the potential to heal her I mean he cast out Nightmare in seconds he could build together all that is good within him and maybe repair her horn.
6777822
I do believe my name has been stolen.
Oh hell no!
Azog done fucked up now. There won't be an orc left alive at the end of this 'cause they about to feel the wrath of Smaug 
There truly is nothing worse than a pissed off dragon, not to mention one who's in a blind rage.
6778048 Well... this is awkward. Twas entirely unintentional of course. I think i might need a new name
6777822 Wizardmon...
vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/digimon/images/9/9e/Wizardmon_t.gif/revision/latest?cb=20120208075039
...digivolves tooooooooo...
sideshowtoy.com/assets/products/300105-saruman/lg/300105-saruman-007.jpg
Sarumon!
All Azog can do now is run, hide and hope that Smaug is not the first to find him.
Well, Saruman is apparently the Wizard who did it, Gandalf really shouldn't go for Drama with his companions' lives on the line. Tauriel is awesome, I can just see her forming an Big Sis Little Brother bond with Bilbo, especially if they both get handed the 'sneak around and backstab stuff' roles.
Well Azog, here's a barrel of ketchup, for soon you will be crunchy due to meddling in the affairs of a dragon and pissing him right off. Oh, and if Nightmare is pissed off because she's the only one allowed to hurt Celestia, enjoy the fact she'll make your every night a living hell by trapping your dream self in a bright sunny meadow right out of a Disney film filled with the regulation singing animals, princesses, and enough happiness to give you diabetes. That is if Smaug doesn't finish the job Thorin started at Moria.
6780473 LOL!!!!!
I recommend you run, Azog
*gasps* Epic.
6777574 YES. Yes you are. At least I hope so
lolrip
Oh, that is an evil, EVIL cliffhanger...
A Bilbauriel ship? NO! NO! NOT ALLOWED! NOT A-- Okay, I'm on board. Darn your good writing skill...
Holy f
ing s
. You done f
ked up m8. You are going to bring the wrath of Smaug, Nightmare, and Luna on you. You're f
ked m8. You are F
KED AZOG! DO YOU REALIZE JUST HOW F
KED YOU ARE?! THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH FLUTTERSHY CHEERS IN THE WORLD TO CENSOR JUST HOW F
KED YOU ARE! SAME GOES TO YOU, SAURON! YOU ARE BOTH SO INCREDIBLY F
KED!
6835887
First, I agree.
Second, if this was real, the shear force of the My Little Pony fandom's anger would rip a hole in the fabric of the universe, fix Celestia's horn, and then pull Azog to the human world where we could beat the crap out of him.
Azog... You ought not to have done that. You just marred Smaug's precious jewel.
7843926 And just when the drake was starting to enjoy the festival.
"HOW DARE YOU BREAK CELESTIA'S HORN!?! I will find a way into this world, and when i do, All hell will break lose, and i will command it to make you suffer endless torment for the rest of time. Same goes for you Sauron if you insist of harming the fair Princess Celestia once again.
Give me a few minutes while I go fetch my own beast of war to destroy these worthless orcs and their master!
Cleanse. Purge. Kill. Eradicate the orcs with extreme prejudice.
Do you like genocide? Me too!