Darkness' First Swing Misses
*Bard*
I never thought it would come to this. Actually participating in a meeting between giant talking eagles and the very same dragon that had sent my village into poverty? Never in a million lifetimes did I think this of all things would happen. Yet it was happening as I thought about this. Even after all this time, this still was a lot to take in. Still, I had to make myself presentable. The people looked up to me and I wouldn’t let them down. That and worrying for my eldest daughter’s safety took up a larger precedent in my mind.
Loud flapping could be heard nearby as Beleram landed beside me. The large eagler looked down at me. It wasn’t the same as a dragon’s gaze, but it was still unnerving. “Are you sure the dragon will arrive?”
I nodded, “He has no reason not to. If he doesn’t, I know a few ways to get him out.” Apparently he had taken a liking to my youngest. I despised that fact, but Celestia kept her safe in there so I didn’t have to worry that much of it. Suddenly, we heard the sound of thunderous wing beats. I smirked. “That would be him.”
The eagle was visibly disturbed. I couldn’t blame him. He was meeting a dragon several times his size. He wouldn’t have to wait long to see the dragon. Smaug was taking his time coming this way but even at his slow speed, it only took him a moment to reach us. The dragon landed just outside the city, near the ramparts we were standing on. Thankfully, I had been gripping the side as the city shook for a moment. I was going to check the rest of my people if they were alright or not later. This city was still ancient, even with all the recent repairs.
Smaug raised his head to look directly at us, “You called for me?”
I nodded towards the giant eagle, “He did.”
Beleram gulped, before steeling his nerves. I had to give him credit for doing that so quickly, “Greetings, Lord Smaug. I come with a message from Lord Gwaihir, who wishes to offer a wing in peace.”
“And why should I accept this offer?” Smaug narrowed his eyes. “You are nothing more than large thrushes compared to me. Your ‘peace’ is worth nothing to me.”
“Lord Smaug,” Beleram continued. “See reason. An alliance between us would be beneficial with the rising tides of darkness that wish to wash over these lands.”
“Let them come,” Smaug snorted. “I will burn them all to ash the moment they set foot in my mountain.”
I would have to give Smaug that bit of credit. The orcs didn’t have many ways to get in and all of them gave Smaug a large advantage.
“There are far too many of them, My Lord.” Beleram bowed his head. “And they have… strange magic. We fear that there may be two factions at play here that wish you dead as well as whatever you have in the mountain gone.”
Smaug visibly stiffened, “I will protect what is mine.” Some smoke was billowing out from his nostrils, causing me and every other human to take a few steps back in fear. I was prepared to duck if he did spew his flames onto the eagle.
“And so shall we,” Beleram declared. “If these lands fall, then these supposed dark lords is just one step closer to conquering ours. An alliance between us would put a stop to this threat once and for all. Our numbers may not be grand, but our strength and agility in the air is unmatched… aside from dragons of course.” He quickly added when Smaug glared at him.
“Of course,” Smaug snorted. Smoke billowed out onto Beleram, who coughed slightly. He looked like he was going to say no, but then he glanced towards the mountain and his features softened. “Fine, you may fight and die here. I care not what you eagles do in these lands.” Then his baleful gaze locked onto the eagle and even I was stunned. Those eyes looked like the pits of the world, ready to swallow you up in flame and pure fury. “However, let me make one thing clear. None of you are to enter my mountain. If I so much as see one feather in my home, you will know why I am the greatest calamity of this age.”
Beleram was stunned for a moment, before he bowed. “Thank you, Lord Smaug. Would you like for us to discuss our plans of actions. We feel-”
“No,” was all Smaug said before he turned away. The large dragon didn’t have to use much effort to get into the air and make his way back to the mountain.
“Well… that went better than expected.” I remarked.
“You expected him to will us away?” Beleram asked.
“I expected him to eat you,” I didn’t pay much attention to the look of horror on the bird’s face.
__________________________________________________________________
*Thorin*
I swung my axe downwards and buried it into another goblin’s skull, I kicked the creature away, pulling my weapon free. They had attacked out of nowhere, killing three of the elves with their arrows in the first moment of the attack. Unfortunately, most of the elves survived and were still fighting. We didn’t need them. This was our fight. Besides, goblins aren’t very hard to kill. Another one fell, missing his head.
I quickly glanced over at the rest of my dwarves. They were doing fine on their own, but these goblins just wouldn’t stop coming. I moved out of the way of a goblin’s strike, swinging my axe up through his ribcage.
“I don’t know how long we can keep this up, uncle.” Fili shouted as he sliced through a goblin. “There’s ten more for everyone we kill.”
“We’ll fight our way out,” I shouted back.
“Kind of hard to do that when we’re surrounded like this,” Balin responded, jumping back from a potential strike to his belly.
“Makes it that much more fun,” Dwalin grabbed a goblin and threw it into a large group, knocking them all down. “Right Thorin?”
I chuckled, “Right.”
“Lookout!” Dwalin shouted.
I tried to turn around, but whatever was attacking me, slammed me to the ground hard. I tried to turn but whatever hit me simple grabbed my legs and threw me over its shoulder. I hit the ground and my sword flew out of my grip. My shoulder took the brunt of it and I grit my teeth to stop the pain. I finally got a look at my attacker who looked to be an orc. It grinned and picked up a goblin blade lying on the ground. It yowled in victory as it charged.
Before I could try and dodge, Bilbo of all people cried out and charged into the creature and knocked him to the ground. The orc was stunned by the motion, allowing the hobbit to stab its neck. It flailed for a moment before becoming still.
I couldn’t believe it. Bilbo the hobbit saved me? A damned hobbit? This thief?... Perhaps he wasn’t just a nuisance after all. He could wield a blade. Still a little clumsy, but with some training… Maybe I could learn to tolerate him.
Bilbo ran over and helped me up, “Are you alright?” He asked of me.
I nodded, “Thanks to you.” I knelt down to grab my sword, “A fine kill. Could work on the war cry.”
Bilbo blushed in embarrassment and shuffled his feet, “I’ll keep that in mind.”
I chuckled, before two arrows whisked by the sides of my head. I turned to see two goblins fall to the ground, dead.
“Keep your eyes open, boys.” The elvish woman cried out before rushing to Bilbo. “Bilbo, are you alright.” She glanced at the blood on his clothes in worry. I couldn’t help but glare in detest of her.
“I’m alright,” Bilbo tried to assuage her. “Nothing to worry about. If there’s one good thing about hobbits, it’s that we’re very hard to hit.”
First a hobbit and then an elf? What sort of day is this? I owe my life to them and I have to show some sort of favor. The hobbit I can at least get by with. The elf? I shuddered to think of what I would have to do to repay her.
Said elvish woman, Tauriel I think, sighed in relief. “Thank goodness,” and without another word, brought the hobbits face to her bosom in a hug. “I was so worried.” The hobbits muffled replies barely reached my ears.
_________________________________________________________________
*Nightmare Sigrid*
I couldn’t help but laugh as my goblins wore down the pathetic mortals. Soon the king of the dwarves would be mine and thus his people. I never really cared much for dwarves before so this didn’t really bother me. Well, maybe a little. I still didn’t like the idea of killing-
‘They are our enemies, Sigrid.’ My other hissed and a terrible headache felt like it tried to oh so briefly smash my skull before the pain vanished. ‘Do not even think of showing them mercy. They won’t show you any.’
I nodded, ‘You’re right. I won’t show them mercy. I’ll rule this world without any trouble.’ I chuckled, before my laugh turned into a full blow evil laugh.
“I think someone is having too much fun,” an old voice spoke up. I turned to face the gray wizard. “I don’t know what evil has befallen you, but you must not listen to it. There comes nothing but sorrow when dealing with black magic.”
“Sorrow?” I smirked and put my hands on my hips. “Why should I be sorrowful? I have everything I want and the means to take the world for my own. I’m quite happy.”
“I can still sense good in you,” the gray wizard pleaded. It was almost adorable. “Please, listen to me. This will only lead to your destruction.”
“Or yours,” I snarled and raised a hand. A bolt of dark magic shot out. The wizard was smart enough to bring up his staff and form a shield of magic around himself. “Listen old man. The time for your kind has come and gone. This isn’t the age of men, orcs, or wizards anymore. This is the age of gods! So bow down to your god!” Both of my hands sparked with deathly magic, bringing it down on his shield once more. I could see him wince. Slightly, but it was there.
‘Oh this is adorable how he resists~’ Nightmare cooed. ‘Make it painful.’
‘With pleasure,’ I grinned savagely and prepared more spells before a blazing white spell smashed into my dark bolts. I turned to glare at the white wizard.
“Children these days,” the white wizard snorted. “They have no respect for their elders.”
“I am over a thousand years old!” My other screeched at him through me. “Born of pure darkness and hatred. You are nothing more than gnats in my eyes.”
“I say again,” the white wizard shook his head. “No respect for their elders.”
I snarled at the old man, “Shut up and die!” A beam of dark magic shot out of my palms. The white wizard was quicker then I thought as he dodged the beam. It instead struck a group of goblins and incinerated them. I teleported behind him, smashing a fist into his back. With added magic, it sent him flying. I noticed a spark out of the corner of my eyes and turned to cast a shield around myself to block the gray wizard’s attack.
I chuckled, “You’ll have to do better than that.” Another dark bolt was fired at him and he shielded himself before firing again. I teleported back over to the hill. “Fool! Do you believe you can-” A searing pain smashed into my back and I was sent screaming into the battlefield.
I vaguely heard the white wizard’s reply of, “Foolish child.”
I didn’t land on the hard earth like I thought I would. Instead, it was into something warm and hard. It felt quite strong and muscular. It felt a little relaxing and safe to be where I was. I groaned and looked up. Looking at me was a stunned dwarf. One of the younger brothers, the brown haired one to be exact. He was looking at me with both confusion and concern.
“Uhhh… are you okay?” He asked.
I blushed as I realized I had inadvertently landed in his arms. “Y-you idiotic, Dwarf. How dare you touch me? Let me go.”
“Oh right,” he quickly put me down.
“Thank-” I yelped as the pain in my back seered back into life. That mage was stronger than he looked. That one bolt took more out of me then I thought. I could barely stand at this point. I would need to get away. To grow stronger before I fought him again.
“OKay, you are not alright.” The dwarf he caught me spoke up. “Look, some of the elves know a bit of medicine so-”
“I don’t need your help, idiot!” I felt to my knees. “I… I am an evil goddess who will rule this world.” Dark magic sparked into my hand. “If you were smart, you would run away.”
“Well, if you were smart you’d stop this and let us help you.”
“Why are you even talking to me?!!”
“Because you don’t scare me and you need help,” the dwarf glared at me. He picked up his sword. “So call off these monsters and we will help you.”
“Wishful thinking, I can…” I tried to stand up but cried out in pain and fell back down. “R-Retreat!”
“Oh no you-” The dwarf tried to grab me but I disappeared in a flash of magic.
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I giggled at the eat the eagle part.
Oh if she only knew.
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8046417 That is just too perfect!
...okay, I know that Gandalf and Saruman are constricted, but aren't they pretty much demigods?
You mean gnats.
A good chapter though. Gandalf is sufficiently badass. And lucky Bilbo....
8046533 More like low to mid level angels
8046657 Ah. Right. My point stands, though - unfettered, they'd whup some Nightmare butt.
Still very much so enjoying this story, you have captured the characters brilliantly and I'm also really liking where you seem to be taking sarumon. He was always my favorite from the original material.
This said, you really might consider spending more time on final polish, not saying that your editing is bad, in fact structure wise you're quite good. Just noticing a lot of little things, an unfinished word here, a sentence missing some punctuation there. Just something to consider.
All said, this is a piece to be proud of, can t wait for more.
~Dollars .
Still exited for when Gandalf meets Tia.
....
....
are they gonna show up right when she gives birth? Smaug... won't be happy.
Poor Nightmare.
It doesn't realize that it's completely out of its depth in middle earth. The flashy lightning filled nightmare magic is nothing compared to the world's Old Magics. Yeah, she can brainwash some orks and teleport around, but she just doesn't realize how nasty a fight a few wizards can take to her, and not even break a sweat.
Can't wait till Gandalf meets tia
8046425 I found another one!
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8048171
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Poor Biblo... or lucky Bilbo since he's in Marshmellow Hell. I loved Saruman Showing just how awesome he can be, very well done. I also can't help but imagine Smaug with a giant bucket of KFE (Kentucky Fried Eagle).
You know, if Nightmare keeps on loosing to the Wizards, I can just see her stomping into a bar and drinking their entire stock to drown her sorrows.
Sigrid's body probably can't fit that much beer.
8062830 I didn't know this fic came with required side reading. There's no mention of any other story before it that I should have read, so really, my point is kind of still valid.
8062931
..... So THAT'S what Sausage Party would have been if it were an anime!
I'm a bit torn after reading this, front to end. Overall, it was enjoyable, but it had a lot of glaring issues that stood out to me, literary, plot-wise, and in general.
You start strong. There's a path in mind, and you stick with it. The notion is interesting, although you show a rather... rash side of Celestia. And you get quite liberal with characterization from the get go, at least with Celestia. We have this mare who had ruled alone for 1,000 years, kept her country strong and safe, but then... decides it is smart to dabble in Starswirl's spells without any warning, no word to her sister, nobody? It's a bit of stretch to believe.
While we're on characterization... Luna. Dear lord, Luna. It's a bit painful at times, reading her lines when they come up. Again, you took some liberties, and I would argue some aspects fall way short, while others work to some degree.
So, back to the story. Celestia, and Smaug. Okay, fair enough, the interactions to start are quite solid, and make sense. The whole linking Celestia to the sun makes sense logically, and plays a nice role in things. As does Celestia trying to sway Smaug to her ideals, rather than death and destruction.
But wait, what is that? All of a sudden, we've gone forward a year. Your management and handling of time jumps is rough, at best. We don't really have any solid events to judge the passage of time off of, until you pretty much drop 'X time has passed by' on top of our heads. Quite a few times, really, that it comes up.
So, Celestia, Smaug, then events from The Hobbit (or leading into it, technically) begin to change and shift. Nightmare Moon and Celestia being sensed by Sauran. Here's where I'm gonig to dig a little deep, I'm afraid. Nightmare Moon should not have been. Celestia's presence alone altering events of The Hobbit to some degree would have served well enough on its own, I believe, and seeing what you've done with Nightmare Moon since, it's just... in my opinion bad. Instead of subtlety altering the path of the dwarves and Bilbo, it's like you set up a damn at the river's source and diverged it away entirely. If that even makes sense. There was plenty of content to run with, and Nightmare Moon is just pulling things off track entirely far too much. I tried to personally search for something about Nightmare Moon that I liked, but the only thing I could come up with was bringing Smaug a pinch closer to Celestia through harming Celestia. Everything else was either neutral, or seems to hinder the story more than help. This is, perhaps, my harshest criticism of the story I think. It might be on par with the next one, though.
So, there's not all that many stories that cross over with The Hobbit, obviously. So, there's no real judge of X vs Y when it comes to stories, adherence to events in the source material, what have you. From the very start, you immediately diverge from the book with the inclusion of Saruman joining Gandalf. And, once more... you take some creative liberties with characterization. And you cut out swaths of text that shows the building of camaraderie. So, these snippets show us events that move further and further from The Hobbit's provided story, while showing mostly the 'ugly' and none of the 'good' that exists within it. None of the building a friendly relation with the dwarves, instead Thorin Oakenshield is shown as a racist of all, only caring for the treasure and nothing else. The inclusion of an elf and then the events at Rivendale... honestly, it was a bit painful in that regard as well, because you could have subtly touched upon the story, but instead, it's just a shift from the start and barely recognizable.
Which leads into the next bit. Your snippets with multiple POVs per chapter... sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. It does a somewhat poor job at showing time passage, which ties into one of my other criticisms, and a lot of times you are simply repeating events in the same chapter, just from the other POV. Which could be done without having to jump perspectives, save some word count, and give room for more content. So, the jumping of POVs hurts as much as it helps in the story, I believe.
Now, another point of criticism is that it feels like you started out strong, with an idea of what you wanted to do, but somewhere... things just sort of fell apart and you started filling the gaps with whatever you wanted. The idea of a Celestia / Smaug romance was interesting, yes, and I enjoyed how you pulled on lore from both LotR and mythos in general for Smaug to shapeshift, and other such things, but along the way it feels like you lost the story in the process. Celestia going all ga ga over Smaug was a bit out of character, and I still do not understand the people who believe Celestia can have lived for so long, yet still be a virgin. It's a tad absurd. But, back to things... the interactions were downright amazing to start. Witty banter, a calculated game of wit, a chess game carried out in person, in essence. But then Celestia starts having her thoughts of how hot Smaug is, her mind gets dirty, and it's just like... okay then. But, things come to a head after Rivertown. Like... every interaction since then has been a large, jarring shift from the story. Sex! Love! Pregnancy! It's as if the story ground to a halt when it's Celestia and Smaug, and you're trying to cram in a second story. Honestly, it's just out of place. There's far too many events going on, especially with your stubborn desire to keep Nightmare Moon a thing in the story.
... okay, so perhaps I'm sort of tearing your story down a bit here. This is a lot of criticism, and there's no real easy 'fix' for them, especially since you're already so deep in. You start out so strong, but then it's almost as if someone else entirely began to write it. Focus was lost, things ballooned out of hand, and a lot of its splendor was lost in the process. Overall I don't regret reading it, and I did enjoy it to some degree, enough so that I stayed up later than normal to finish reading it, but... it has issues. I could probably name a few more points that I saw had a problem or two, but I think I've rained on your day enough today.
8066510
i agree. If at all possible, I'd like to see a revised version of this story in the future.
*pokes favorite story with a stick*
You still alive?
8188364 It's still alive, just on hiatus until I get back into the groove of writing it.
Well damn I'm so sad that there's no more chapters yet.
8247581
I'll try and get some more chapters up sometime this summer. I haven't abandoned this story.