• Member Since 2nd Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen Jan 8th, 2015

JayTheMann


T

Discord is a young shopkeeper in the bustling city of Manehattan, the only problem is, the particular shop he works in is located smack dab in the middle of the seediest backwater suburb in the whole city: Skid Row. As his employing business struggles and fails, he uses what little magic he knows to experiment on a venus fly trap in an attempt to make something remarkable, so customers will actually notice the shabby brick building.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 18 )

I hope you all enjoy! :pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by lunabrony deleted Aug 20th, 2014

I feel as if you switched Discords and Fluttershys personalities... I LOVE IT!!!:heart::heart: SOOOO CUTE!

You know, this actually looks really good. I'm a big fan of LSOH so this might be really goo-

Discord is a young shopkeeper in the bustling city of Manehattan

Discord is a young shopkeeper

Discord

Fuck me

4877085 :( You don't like Discord?

I know "Feed Me, Discord" will be mandatory :rainbowlaugh:

Ermahgersh! So many comments already!!! Im quite flattered fillies and gentecolts! :twilightblush:

If you love this, then make sure to check out my youtube channel as well! (not TOO much brony vids on there yet, but school is starting so ill have acess to Imovie, so they will FLOW IN!) Love you guys!! :derpytongue2:

4876989 Why, thank you! it was hard to force discord's whole superego into seymores puny, gimpish image, so i stuffed some of it into fluttershy, being the embodyment of Audrey, he character had some development room :rainbowkiss:

4876483 #Youareawesomeforcommenting

4880207 OH!:rainbowlaugh: I didn't know you were TRYING to do that! By the way, what is this a crossover with?

4880304 Well, actually the Crossover is a strech, i just felt like because i was slapping skid row in the middle of manehattan and i plan to have "flutters" 2 to have the same demeanor as Audrey2 in LSOH, i needed to designate it as a crossover :applejackunsure:

Comment posted by lunabrony deleted Aug 20th, 2014
Comment posted by JayTheMann deleted Aug 20th, 2014

I'm gonna edit this for you cause you're my friend.

Paragraph 1: The word August in the first sentence of the story should be capitalized.

Paragraph 2: The word produce in the store name Macintosh's Flowers and Produce should be capitalized.

Paragraph 3:The word row in the town's name isn't capitalized in the third paragraph. Also in that paragraph, the words gang and murder don't need to be capitalized. AND at the end of the paragraph, you capitalized Shure, which is supposed to be spelled sure, and is not to be capitalized in the middle of the sentence.

Paragraph 4: The word Mr. in Mr. Macintosh is supposed to have a period after Mr. The word hadn't in the paragraph didn't have an apostrophe. In this paragraph, the word newspaper is capitalized. When the words "into the door" are used in a story, I think that the character ran into the door. I suppose you meant through the doorway, or something along those lines. The word "its" is supposed to have an apostrophe in the context you were using it in the dialogue of Big Macintosh.

Paragraph 5: There should be a period in between the word "eye" and the dialogue of Fluttershy in the paragraph. There should be a comma after the word beat.

Paragraph 6: Mac should be capitalized. There should be a period at the end of the paragraph.

Paragraph 7: There should be a period after "happened".

Paragraph 8: There is a space between " and the word Sweet. Fluttershy should be capitalized. Dentist does not need to capitalized. There should be an apostrophe in the part of a sentence saying "Big Mac's voice". "His Father-like anger speech" should be His angry father-like speech.

Paragraph 9: There should be a comma after yelled and "what" should be capitalized.

Paragraph 10: No mistakes for you in this paragraph. I applaud.:pinkiehappy:

Paragraph 11: There should be a period after face.

Paragraph 12: There should be a period after shoulder. "I" should be capitalized. There should be a period after Discord's dialogue. And "he" should be capitalized.

Paragraph 13: No mistakes in this paragraph. *applauds again*

Paragraph 14: There should be a period after "best". Discord should be capitalized. The words "to him" aren't needed in the paragraph. There should be a period after Mac, not a comma. Discord should be capitalized again. "Why" should be capitalized.

Paragraph 15: Mac should be capitalized.

Paragraph 16: There should be a comma after "later". Discord should be capitalized. The comma after "bulbous" isn't needed.

Paragraph 17: Big Mac should be capitalized. The word "I've" should have an apostrophe.

Paragraph 18: There should be a comma after "window". There should be a comma after "time".

Paragraph 19: There should be a comma after "me". There should be a comma after "said". There is not supposed to be an apostrophe after moseying, unless you were taking away the g. There should be a period after window, not a comma. "What" should be capitalized. There should be a period after inquired.

Paragraph 20: Fluttershy should be capitalized. The word "this" should be capitalized. A way to tell that the old mare is talking at the end of the paragraph would help.

Paragraph 21: Mac should be capitalized. There should be a period after "stuttered". The word "do" should be capitalized.

Paragraph 22: Mac should be capitalized.

Paragraph 23: There should be an apostrophe in " I'll ". I should be capitalized. There should be an apostrophe in I'll.

Paragraph 24: Mac should be capitalized. Tongue is spelled wrong.

Paragraph 25: "As" should be capitalized.

Paragraph 26: And last but not least..... No one knows who is saying the last sentence.

This took me a long time to find all of the mistakes. Oh! And... the title is spelled wrong. It should be My Little Boutique of Horrors. The story is good so far, just has quite a few errors.

4899323 :applejackconfused: Whoa.... i was gonna jus have my mom Proof this, but since i have a list of mistakes here, ill do that! Thanks Crash! :yay:

4901058 Thank you my good friend! :pinkiehappy:
Have a sandvich! *hands you sandvich* :eeyup:

just like the fic, that was just what I needed

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