Bombastic Bookpony's Bazaar of Oneshots

by Bombastic Bookpony

Twilight the Vampire Slayer (Twilight and Pinkie, Fantasy)

Twilight sighed. She had to skip another of Pinkie’s party and disappoint all her friends again, and then she had to do her routine job. This attack wasn’t even fun! A stallion roared behind her atop a tombstone, but he was quickly silenced by a magically propelled stake to the heart, and he melted away into dust.

“Ugh, could you guys please give more of a fight? At this rate, I won’t bother to mention you in my letter to Celestia.” Two vampires leaped at her from the shadows, but they were easily stopped in the air. “You know, I actually feel kinda sorry for you guys,” she commented, lifting them in tandem with her mannerisms. “My magic isn’t the exactly the most fair thing in the world, is it?” She sheepishly smiled and blushed, and the vamps shrugged in confusion. “You know what, Princess Celestia told me to keep practicing my close range training and not rely on pure magic all the time!” She dropped the two on the ground, and patiently waited for them to get back up.

“You are one weird Slayer,” one of them commented as he made his way to his feet.

“A vampire’s calling me weird. What has become of my life?” Twilight deadpanned. “You two ready?”

“Are you ready … to die?” one growled, charging at Twilight. She countered him with a leg sweep, sending him crashing to the ground. She pinned him on the ground with her hoof.

“Really? You actually said that? That is possibly the most cliche thing I have ever heard you things say, and I have heard a lot of cliche things.”

“She’s right, friend. That was awful,” the other vamp put in.

“Yeah, those are awful last words. Do over?” the downed vamp asked with a smile.

“You can do your life over... in Tartarus! See? See how bad it would be if we all spoke in cliches? I hope I taught you a valuable lesson about being original that you can take with you on your actual trip to Tartarus.” With that, she staked him, leaving only one vamp left. “So.”

“So.”

“You know you’re horribly outmatched, right?”

“Yup.”

“Probably will be taken out in a minute or two, and that’s me being generous.”

“It’s good not to lose hope. Sometimes an opportunity appears when you least expect it.”

“Well, that’s a good attitude for a vampi-”

“Twilight?” a confused, slightly scared voice uttered. No. No! They weren’t supposed to find out! She turned around to the voice’s source and found Pinkie Pie, looking startled and disoriented. “What are you doing? You just-you just stabbed a pony! And you laughed about it! And-and then he just went poof, into dusties, and just was sucked up into the wind like a vacuum! What’s going on?”

“The vamp, meanwhile only grinned at Twilight. “See? An opportunity just appears out of nowhere.” He backflipped all the way to Pinkie’s position, grabbed her, and bared his teeth near her throat. “You don’t want your little friend dying, do ya? Or worse? Wouldn’t it just be a hoot to see you kill one of your own friends, all vampified and such? It’d be just like one of those tragic novels I loved so very much as a colt.” Twilight, meanwhile, only kept silent, glaring at the vampire. “What, no more jokes? The Slayer finally serious?”

“Yeah.” Twilight quickly lifted up a nearby shovel with her magic, and swiftly and brutally decapitated him, causing him to dissolve into dust. “Nopony messes with my friends.” Twilight rushed over to Pinkie’s side, where she was coughing and breathing heavily. “Pinkie, are you okay?”

“What is going on!?” she desperately hissed. “I just wanted to find out why you were skipping my parties lately. I was afraid you didn’t like them anymore, so I followed you and saw you just kill two ponies, only they looked funny, and not the good ha ha funny but the bad scary funny and they keep calling you a Slayer which I thought was just a cool band but apparently not and I am freaking out Twilight, freaking out!” Pinkie frantically babbled.

Twilight sighed. “I didn’t want any of you to know about this. But now it can’t be helped. I need you to Pinkie Promise not to tell the others about what happened here and what I’m about to tell you, at least not until I give the ok to do so. Kay?”

“I-I don’t know Twilight, this is a pretty big secret...”

“Pinkie, please,” Twilight earnestly pleaded.

Pinkie could never resist those purple eyes, begging her for something. She gave a weak smile. “Okay. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

Twilight smiled in return. “Thank you. Don’t interrupt me till I’m done, okay?” pinkie nodded. “Ok, I’m-I’m a Vampire Slayer. Have been for a long time, even back in Canterlot. There’s a prophecy, about girls like me. ‘Into every generation a Slayer is born: one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number. She is the Slayer,’” she recited. “That’s me. One day, out of the blue at the academy, I just felt so different, so much stronger than I did before. My magic, my muscles, my mind. All of it seemed stronger than it was before. Celestia noticed, and she quickly confirmed it. I was the Slayer. She trained me even harder than before, and not just about magic or history anymore. How to fight, how to survive, how to kill. It’s an important duty I can’t shirk. The only reasons Celestia let me stay here is along with the fact that it is a good idea to keep the Elements together, Ponyville is a supernatural hotspot. A lot of trouble happens here, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.

‘I’m not a monster, I’m not! I’m still me, and I’m saving pony lives! You gotta believe me, Pinkie! I’m not a murderer!”

“I-wow.” Pinkie, for once, was left speechless. “That’s one wowzer of a story, Twilight. It’s a lot for my little Pinkie brain to take in. But we have seen crazier stuff than this together, am I right Twi? I believe you and I’m with ya a hundred percent, no a hundred and twenty percent, no-”

“I get what you’re saying, Pinkie,” she said with a giggle. “And thank you, for not seeing me as a freak or something.”

Pinkie gasped. “Never!”

“Well, now you know my life story. Now if you could let me get back to my work-”

“Nuh uh.” pinkie shook her head. “You are not going to risk your life alone, not while the Pinkster can help!”

“No, I’m not risking your life.”

“I’ve risked it on more dangerous missions with you than this, Twi. I can help! I’m spry, flexible, leapy! I got weird powers! I could really help!”

“No!! You don’t know how to fight these things!”

“Then teach me! Plus, I could be your researcher, get you all the intel about your dastardly foes! I’m crazy good at that, you remember how I found the Elements of Harmony book and that time scroll, right?”

“Pinkie-”

“Twi, we know this is gonna go only one way! Either you give in now, or I just annoy you till you do!” Pinkie happily chirped.

Twilight sighed. She was right; Pinkie would never give up on this. And having an extra assistant along with Spike would help a lot. And-and there would be somepony she could share her burdens with, somepony she could talk to, could show her inner fears to. That sounds... nice. “Okay, Pinkie. You’re in!”

“Yay!” she shouted, bouncing into the air. “Twi and Pinks, vampire fighting duo! Can I get a cool name like yours? Like, ‘Pinkie, the Vampire Slayer’s Assistant. There’s one of those in every generation right?”

Twilight couldn’t help but smile at her friend. “If there isn’t, there should be.” She had a feeling things were gonna get a bit more exciting now.

Author's Note:

Prompt #28: One of the Mane Six or Spike reveals a skill nopony expected them to have.

The start of another TMP series, the Twilight the Vampire Slayer trilogy, though in time perhaps more aptly named something else. It was… okay, for the most part. In any case, writing Twi’s Buffyisms was fun, and I enjoyed when I made her drop her quips and get serious.