- Member Since 1st Mar, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 27th, 2014
Star Sentry
I believe in the supernatural
Star Sentry
Joined 1st Mar, 2014 ·
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Change the short description to something actually having to do with your story, not that it's your first.
Stockholm syndrome.
4750658 Actually it wasn't that at all and yes I do know what Stockholm syndrome is...
4750667 I don't think I said you didn't.
4750782 I never said you did, I just put that in in case you were going to ask. Isn't Stockholm syndrome where the victim kind of wants to stay with the perp because the perp threatened them or something?
4750802
Just gonna point that out, but anyways, it's where the captive sympathizes with the captor. Also, it's better to not to say that "just in case". Puts you off as being very passive-aggressive.
4750815 I have no idea what passive-aggressive is
4750823 Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility. If you ever want to find out the meaning of a word, type this into the search bar on google: define:(putwordhere)
4750838 Meh...I am not hostile
4750848 It comes off that way though when you state:
4750851 No it doesn't
Great story.
4750958 Thank you
4750960 Your welcome!
4750963 OMG LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE LOVING IT
Catie, I'm sorry, but you need to get a better editor. This is quite awkwardly written.
4751226 We roleplayed this out...
gg no re
4751278 ???
4751290 This, er, thing, certainly is something.
That said, the idea of writing your first story about a mare getting raped and forgiving the rapist is very, very dense.
Seriously, what in the seven hells made you choose this for a story?
4751306 I...um...Just liked the idea *Blushes* Plus Ian ad I rped this out
4751334 I have no idea who this Ian is, and if you like the concept of this sort of a story, you need help, which is ironic, because I myself am all but off my rocker.
There are no justifications for a description this bland. Don't just tell us what happens, tell us how and why it happens. If the author doesn't seem to care enough to describe, how can anyone else care enough to read?
Also, an Alicorn OC profile pic will often work against you. I'm sure I don't need to say why.
4751235 Still, I feel as if getting a better editor and...well, possibly writing it out, rather than role-playing it, would possibly would've made this story better. Nonetheless, that's the end of my negative criticism, this story DOES scream: "Star Sentry" wrote this in a good way.
Okay guys, this is my first story you three CAN be a bit nicer, yes I mean you Patient, Silver, and Angry Madmoth
Okay, okay. First story coming from you, Star Sentry. I was quite happy to see that you pulled out a written work, honestly. And of course, I gave it a read.
Well... I don't know how I am feeling right now. The story doesn't seem like a story: It seems like a roleplay. From what I figured out, you and Music actually copy/pasted a roleplay that you both did and simply posted it on FIMfiction.
Ummm... let me begin. The whole story for me was kind of hard to read. It was... difficult. Like I said, this is a roleplay turned into a story. You guys didn't do any change to at least make it look like a story? This fic felt extremely low detailed, considering that I couldn't feel ANY kind of emotion coming from the characters themselves through this entire chapter.
It seemed incredibly rushed, you guys could have stretched the whole starting paragraphs to greater lengths, full of detail and life, colors, y'know? My apologies, but this whole kidnapping/rape situation went faster than a F-22 Raptor with afterburners turned on. It didn't have a feel, an atmosphere. You didn't give the reader the feeling of what it is to be raped. Plus... the male character didn't seem intimidating/scary/cruel.
I couldn't even read it completely due to the awful lack of... interesting events on this as a whole.
The conflicts of big paragraphs describing what the male character did, and the upsetting small size of the paragraphs describing what the mare had done really made me scroll the page down in search for a good moment. I didn't manage to get a mental image of what they look like, since you provided little to no detail on the ponies' looks. You barely used the name of the female pony, flooding the whole story with "She". Variety when beginning a sentence helps a lot. No big grammar issues, thankfully.
Plus, this:
What the hell?!? This is the most Mary Sue-esque thing I've ever seen! This sentence is simply ridiculous, no offense.
My honest opinion. Just know that I tried my best to not sound rude here.
4751379 You kinda do
4751446 Well at least you didn't say that I needed help if I liked the concept...
4751446 And at least you don't diss my avatar
4751449 If you are referring to my pic, mine is of a canon character, so that doesn't count.
4751584 Mine is just an OC...Twilight's and Flash Sentry's daughter in a diff story I am making
4751592 Exactly my point. An alicorn OC in anything tends to discourage people from taking you as seriously as they otherwise could. And I'm not just hating, I'm telling you how things work here.
4751618 No actually you are dissing my OC and I don't like it
4751622 I may be "dissing" your OC, but why does that automatically make me wrong? If you can't handle people telling you what they think, why are you here?
4751618 If you have a problem with her OC, then just walk it off ignore it don't pay attention to it.
4751637 If they didn't want me to pay attention to it, they shouldn't have posted it. It's the internet. Everyone can see this, not just yuppies who will like any nonsense thrown at them. If the author can't deal with it, they shouldn't be here.
4751647 Heh, funny you should say that.
4751653 How? I'm responding to garbage, not creating it.
Awesome job
4751688 Thank you
4751657 It isn't garbage
4751717 Don't you think you're a little bit biased? I'm allowed to have an opinion too, you know. Plus, your rebuttals have no basis in fact behind them, you just sound like one of these kids around the 30 second mark:
Don't just state your opinion. Give a reason why you think what you do, or you'll look pretty ignorant. "No it doesn't" is not an argument, it's just laughably childish.
@Catie:: I Thought it was FANTASTIC! I can't wait for the second chapter lil sis <3 I am proud of you.
I seriously can not wait for the next chapter. I hope your working on it or almost done with it <3 Love ya lil sis, great job.
4751941 Thank you and I am redoing chapter 1 so it's less like an rp
@Catie:: No way.. That makes it better fuck what some people may complain about it and want it their way thats life. But The way you created it and wrote it is fantastic the way it is. Changing for other people that bitch will just ruin it.
4751975 Sis relax, I rped it out at first...It is just a bit of editing okay? Just to make it better
@All you Fuckfaces that think otherwise:: Yo, I wanna see you do a better job than that piece of art work novel right there. Stop complaining and move on if you dont like It. Its perfect the way it is, if anyone changed their own way of doing things and did things the way everyone else wanted them to that wouldnt make that person unique and themself. So stop giving being rude and give her some props.
Catie:: If you want to right role play novels. WRITE THEM. Dont change them just because some punk thinks its garbage. One mans garbage is another mans GOLD hunny.
4752001 Thank you sissy, but some of it IS constructive criticism...Not where my stuff is called garbage but some others.
Okay okay I will relax, Just trying to get my point across and show you that this is what makes you, YOU. If correcting somethings is what your doing with the first chapter thats fine. But dont change it. Roleplaying is what you decided to do with it. Dont let someone convince you to change that. Its perfect.
4752022 Thank you sis
I won't change much, just make it look a bit better with my editors help