Hating
Hating
Everything was dark. The only light source were the stars that were hanging in the endless black sky. Soft, slow music was playing inside her head, almost subtle enough to not be heard. But it was there. She knew it.
The slow music brought painful memories back, causing a swift rush of tears to pour out of a familiar purple unicorn's violet eyes. Of waiting outside of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorn's, waiting for a date she feared wouldn't come. Slow dancing to the song she would never be able to stand hearing again. Looking into his red eyes, seeing the hurt and utter betrayal in that he showed her. The sinking feeling as her only friend and love leaving her behind, so terribly and utterly alone.
Twilight Sparkle was walking on the outskirts of Ponyville, wanting to clear her mind of the nightmares that had suddenly came each night for the past month or so, without any warning. It seemed that he was the only thing on her mind recently. She didn't want to think about him. But all she could think was how much she hated him for leaving her. She understood why he left her. And she hated herself for hating him for leaving. But...she simply could not help it.
She could not help the hate of him leaving her behind to be tormented without a friend to turn to. She had told him that she was sorry.
She was truly sorry for what she had done, and she didn't know exactly why she did it. They could have talked things out. But no...He decided that leaving would suddenly fix everything. It doesn't fix everything. It may fix his problems, but it didn't help her in the least. He had a family in Fillydelphia to turn to. Who did she have at the time? Her parents? Yes. Spike? Yes. But she could never truly escape the pain of all the torment received in school. She would never forgive herself unless he has forgiven her.
Twilight had settled on a hill near the Everfree Forest. She could see Ponyville. She loved her new home, but sometimes she would miss the busy streets of Canterlot. She missed her larger library. She missed studying just magic. She missed the time she could spend alone, lost in one of her books.
“Why did you leave me, Crimson...Why...” Twilight let more tears pushed past her eye lids, her eyes already red, puffy and stinging, “I...I thought we liked each other. So much I wanted us to be together. For me to be your only filly, you to be my only colt...”
'I hate you! I hate you I hate you I hate you!' A menacing voice in her head kept on repeating. Twilight grabbed her head, her eyes wide.
“No! I don't hate him! Shut up!” Twilight shouted, glad to be out of Ponyville and away from any pony that could hear her turmoil with herself, “I don't hate him! I love him!”
'You know you hate him Twilight. It's just that one piece of your heart wanting the fact he could still love you, and that keeps you believing that you ever really loved him! You never loved him. You were only a child. So was he.'
“Shut up! You don't know anything!”
'I know a lot more then you do. He doesn't love you anymore. Get over it.' The voice started to fade away.
“Hey! Get back here! I'm not finished with you!” But that voice didn't come back... and silence came over her again.
Sniffling, Twilight Sparkle rose to her legs, and made her way slowly to her home. Her thoughts overcoming her again, this time without the traces of malice and anger.
'I don't hate him. But...he's the one who turned his back on me, right?' Twilight half expected the maniacal half of herself to come back; but thankfully never did.
The walk back to her home was slow, but she loved the very early morning air. Celestia was sure to raise the sun soon enough.
'The fool...Couldn't...Couldn't you see the pain in my eyes as he left...You foolish pony.' Twilight quickened up her pace, passing a few houses as she entered Ponyville.
He thoughts continued to race and clash in her mind, making it almost impossible to follow just one of them.
“My foolish love...” She whispered to herself. Some of the ponies had started to stir, and even some had awoken, leaving their houses to get ready for their daily routine. Some were surprised when they say the purple unicorn run past them in a flash, almost as fast as the loyal Rainbow Dash.
Twilight's morning would have to be skipped, as she just remembered something that she wanted to do. No...something that she needed to do.
'Wonder if he truly is over me. Maybe he has found a mare for himself in Fillydelphia. If he did, he probably has so much better times with her.' Twilight grew enraged at these thoughts, 'And has forgotten the times that we would have had, even if they were few. I could tell by the way he looked at me he valued those moments. Now he must look at another filly that way.'
Twilight tried to push these jealous and unfair feelings away, 'If he has found another, shouldn't I be happy for him?...She at least better be nice to him, and not take him for granted.'
Still galloping, her library came into view. Using her magic to open the door as quietly as she could, in fear that she might wake up Spike.
As she listened for any sign of any rousing, she quickly made her way to a bookshelf, and, while straining, managed to push it off to the side a bit. The bookshelf revealed to be covering a well hidden door to a crawl space.
Twilight opened the door, and inside sat a chest, with a heart shaped lock. With her horn glowing with magic, she conjured a key made up of magic; and opened the chest with it.
Inside of the chest was; a rose, it's petals dark and wilted, a red bow tie, a picture of a white stallion with a bright red mane and dark red eyes. The last item was a parchment. It was old and worn, easily a decade old. This was also very dear to her.
'Heh...the first love letter that Crimson wrote to me...At least I think it may be the first' It was true, though the white unicorn's ability in writing was superb, this was one of his early works, and It wasn't as good as his later pieces she'd managed to take a peek at, 'He didn't even give me this either...He dropped it one day and I found it. Not enough courage in him to find out about the unknown, huh? Well, I guess that would make two of us...”
Twilight Sparkle took a long look at the letter, giving it a few good reads. Tears started to push past her lids again, staining the parchment with wet spots. All too soon, a loud ripping sound filled the small space.
Her magic held the two pieces of the letter, large jagged edges shown what she had just done.
'I wanted to give you everything...I wish I could have made you happy. But now it's to late...' Twilight brought the two papers together, and started to crumple them together. 'I can't be happy if all I can think about is how much I hate you as soon as you enter my mind.'
Twilight shot the crumpled paper back into the chest, and brought the picture of Crimson Brass to her. 'How can I hate you so much...but also be still so in love with you...'
'How do you do this to me?' Twilight felt could see the sun rising at the corner of her eye. She brought the picture to her chest, holding it in a tight embrace.
'I hate you...You have caused all of my pain over the years. I love you, you were the only one who ever wanted me. I wanted you too.' Twilight watched as the sun rose, a smile coming to her lips. Using her magic, she put the image back into the chest, next to the crumpled paper.
“I want to forget you...” Twilight whispered, still holding a soft smile. “Good-bye, my one and only love...” Twilight closed the chest and pushed the bookshelf back in place. She was ready to begin her day.
Good-bye..
--
Author's Note
Hey guys :D Now that I'm awake I could add this.
Firstly, I want to get where this is based off of. It's a song called Hating. It's not in English, but some subtitles are in there. I also got some of the words from the song and put them in here.
Secondly, the character is Crimson Brass, belonging to Lucefudu from his awesome story, Want it; Need it. How's it feel Lucy? To have a fan that you inspire to write bad song based fics! XD Naw, I'm kidding. You're awesome dude! And sorry about the Crimson's talent being writing! It probably isn't but I just assumed it is.
Also, this was a practice fic. How was it? Criticism is demanded! >:D
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Hey just thought I'd let you know in the description it says she's instead of she'd.
I like the premise, but there are a few things I should point out...
First off, your pacing and use of tense is a bit, well, screwy. It was hard to figure out what was happening, and sounded awkward to read. One thing I would suggest: read your story out loud. If it sounds awkward to your ears, chances are, it probably is to the reader as well.
Another thing: why is the second half of the story in all italics? They should generally only be used for emphasis, or when a character is thinking (though you used it correctly in that manner a few times).
As far as the two opposing voices idea, you seem to have pulled it off, though only just so. I would consider rethinking a few and fitting them in more comfortably.
Also, watch out for awkward timing. If Twilight is going from one place to another entirely, a break or dashed line can make short work of a confusing time and scene change.
Some grammar mistakes here and there.. etc. etc....
Other than that, I love the whole premise. It reminds me of a few wandering story ideas I had some time ago.
Y U BLAME Crimson!
U DID IT NOT HIM!
U WERE ONE WHO CAST WEIRD WANT IT AND NEED IT SPELL IT NOT HE FAULT IT YOURS
myfacewhen.com/i/454.jpg
Dammit Twilight, you stupid BEETCH.
Nice story. I like.
438675
Omg...sorry about the italic thing
I was in a rush to get his posted because it was like...12 am (Think I fixed it now XD)
Thanks for the criticism, it'll help me.
Now if only I could take some of it without feeling a bit hurt
438775
Well, sometimes...
Years (Yeah, years. Cause this is based after a comic I am doing) of feeling like you are the problem, along with added feelings of being the cause of every ponies problems, you don't want to blame yourself anymore.
Also...Crimson did just abandon her without giving her a fair hearing... I'd be pretty mad if I was just left behind, after doing one mistake only once, without even being considered for a second chance.
438838
If you read the story, you would know that Twilight didn't mean to do it. She still loved him, and was sorry for what she did.
... it's five am.... i'll get to this later...
You did a fantastic job for a 1st fanfic! Although some choices of words were awkward, they were far better than what you can find on my own stories. I guess not being from an English-speaking country does limit my vocabulary a bit.
The quickjumps without any notice to us readers were a little awkward and stopped the flow of the story. As 438675 said, a marker should fix these issues. Another thing I had something against were the "inner voice" on Twi's head. I know she is supposed to be talking to herself, but I feel that there are other ways for her to struggle.
Some of Twi's dialogs and thoughts seemed a bit out of place. She is crying one moment but, when opening the box (for example) and holding his letter, she is too composed in her thoughts just to be emotional after reading it. Note that she can be composed, but not that much... it feels... kind of awkward.
I am not entirely sure about the "continuity" of this fanfic... What I mean is, if anyone has read Want It; Need It!, they'll surely understand this; but what if someone gets to this story without reading that one first? I think they could manage through it even without knowing who Crimson Brass is. You provided enough "backstory" for them to know that it was a past love of hers.
Don't worry about his talent; since I didn't specify anything, anyone could do as they please.
Someone from this site told me that he's writing a fanfic in which Crimson Brass is... well... I'm not at liberty to spoil.
439124
Thanks for criticism, I'll look back at the things you two mentioned at try to fix them.
And who is that author!? I demand to know so I can stalk him until his story is complete >:D
439133 I'll give you the name, but I won't spoil what he told me about the story.
Fury of the Tempest and the story isn't on the site yet. He's currently writing it. But do keep an eye out.
439138
It's alright, I can wait.
I'll just...wait in the shadows *disappears in darkness...and trips over a foot stool* Ow...
439144 Somehow... that reminded me of the ending of this video.
439145
Lol...can't watch Youtube at school. Must be funny though
I'm not a very sneaky person.
438995 No offense meant, my good sir
I just wanted you to know what could perhaps help you out in the future. Keep on writing!
438657
Lol, no. I'm kidding. Thanks, I was in a rush typing the description up
438976
Thankies
So basically; Twilight hates HIM because SHE caused all that woe to him that ultimately made him leave. Seems legit.
Edit: Great story.
440474
Lol. I actually would have done the same thing that Twilight was doing here. If you could understand my perspective of her (if you tune in for my Twilight's Regret's Trilogy on dA, you will see all kinds of things that had happened to her) This is after the second installment of my series (Cold Comforts)
Totally legit
BTW, Thanks
440661
That "Back Stabber -Cover Poster-" thing or that upcoming comic (It is an upcoming comic, right?)?
440695
Yep ^^
440732
I'll be sure to take a look at it.
439822
No problem just trying to do my part to help. Interesting story by the way I didn't get a chance to read it last night since it was like 3 am. Keep on writing man I look forward to it
440908
Thanks
Still not much of a writer though. This was only a practice story.
440918
is that so? well in my opinion you're a much better writer then I am. I can come up with good stories , but my writing skills are novice at best. Just something to give thought to.
439024
I did in fact read the story,but in this story she's saying she hates him even though it's kinda her fault.
Good story though.