Hi. I'm more of an artist then a writer. But I can be good at shooting ideas for stories.
Twilight Sparkle never thought she'd hate anypony. But somehow...He's been able to make her hate him.
Cover Page was done by me, but is still a WIP. I will get around to finishing it. You know...eventually.
This is also my first fimfic, so I am accepting constructive criticism.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hey just thought I'd let you know in the description it says she's instead of she'd.
I like the premise, but there are a few things I should point out...
First off, your pacing and use of tense is a bit, well, screwy. It was hard to figure out what was happening, and sounded awkward to read. One thing I would suggest: read your story out loud. If it sounds awkward to your ears, chances are, it probably is to the reader as well.
Another thing: why is the second half of the story in all italics? They should generally only be used for emphasis, or when a character is thinking (though you used it correctly in that manner a few times).
As far as the two opposing voices idea, you seem to have pulled it off, though only just so. I would consider rethinking a few and fitting them in more comfortably.
Also, watch out for awkward timing. If Twilight is going from one place to another entirely, a break or dashed line can make short work of a confusing time and scene change.
Some grammar mistakes here and there.. etc. etc....
Other than that, I love the whole premise. It reminds me of a few wandering story ideas I had some time ago.
Y U BLAME Crimson!
U DID IT NOT HIM!
U WERE ONE WHO CAST WEIRD WANT IT AND NEED IT SPELL IT NOT HE FAULT IT YOURS
myfacewhen.com/i/454.jpg
Dammit Twilight, you stupid BEETCH.
Nice story. I like.
438675
Omg...sorry about the italic thing
I was in a rush to get his posted because it was like...12 am (Think I fixed it now XD)
Thanks for the criticism, it'll help me.
Now if only I could take some of it without feeling a bit hurt
438775
Well, sometimes...
Years (Yeah, years. Cause this is based after a comic I am doing) of feeling like you are the problem, along with added feelings of being the cause of every ponies problems, you don't want to blame yourself anymore.
Also...Crimson did just abandon her without giving her a fair hearing... I'd be pretty mad if I was just left behind, after doing one mistake only once, without even being considered for a second chance.
438838
If you read the story, you would know that Twilight didn't mean to do it. She still loved him, and was sorry for what she did.
... it's five am.... i'll get to this later...
You did a fantastic job for a 1st fanfic! Although some choices of words were awkward, they were far better than what you can find on my own stories. I guess not being from an English-speaking country does limit my vocabulary a bit.
The quickjumps without any notice to us readers were a little awkward and stopped the flow of the story. As 438675 said, a marker should fix these issues. Another thing I had something against were the "inner voice" on Twi's head. I know she is supposed to be talking to herself, but I feel that there are other ways for her to struggle.
Some of Twi's dialogs and thoughts seemed a bit out of place. She is crying one moment but, when opening the box (for example) and holding his letter, she is too composed in her thoughts just to be emotional after reading it. Note that she can be composed, but not that much... it feels... kind of awkward.
I am not entirely sure about the "continuity" of this fanfic... What I mean is, if anyone has read Want It; Need It!, they'll surely understand this; but what if someone gets to this story without reading that one first? I think they could manage through it even without knowing who Crimson Brass is. You provided enough "backstory" for them to know that it was a past love of hers.
Don't worry about his talent; since I didn't specify anything, anyone could do as they please.
Someone from this site told me that he's writing a fanfic in which Crimson Brass is... well... I'm not at liberty to spoil.
439124
Thanks for criticism, I'll look back at the things you two mentioned at try to fix them.
And who is that author!? I demand to know so I can stalk him until his story is complete >:D
439133 I'll give you the name, but I won't spoil what he told me about the story.
Fury of the Tempest and the story isn't on the site yet. He's currently writing it. But do keep an eye out.
439138
It's alright, I can wait.
I'll just...wait in the shadows *disappears in darkness...and trips over a foot stool* Ow...
439144 Somehow... that reminded me of the ending of this video.
439145
Lol...can't watch Youtube at school. Must be funny though
I'm not a very sneaky person.
438995 No offense meant, my good sir
I just wanted you to know what could perhaps help you out in the future. Keep on writing!
438657
Lol, no. I'm kidding. Thanks, I was in a rush typing the description up
438976
Thankies
So basically; Twilight hates HIM because SHE caused all that woe to him that ultimately made him leave. Seems legit.
Edit: Great story.
440474
Lol. I actually would have done the same thing that Twilight was doing here. If you could understand my perspective of her (if you tune in for my Twilight's Regret's Trilogy on dA, you will see all kinds of things that had happened to her) This is after the second installment of my series (Cold Comforts)
Totally legit
BTW, Thanks
440661
That "Back Stabber -Cover Poster-" thing or that upcoming comic (It is an upcoming comic, right?)?
440695
Yep ^^
440732
I'll be sure to take a look at it.
439822
No problem just trying to do my part to help. Interesting story by the way I didn't get a chance to read it last night since it was like 3 am. Keep on writing man I look forward to it
440908
Thanks
Still not much of a writer though. This was only a practice story.
440918
is that so? well in my opinion you're a much better writer then I am. I can come up with good stories , but my writing skills are novice at best. Just something to give thought to.
439024
I did in fact read the story,but in this story she's saying she hates him even though it's kinda her fault.
Good story though.