The time of heroes is long over. Those who didn't get out of the game while they still could were taken out, finding themselves in prison or in a shallow grave. Anyone can put on a mask, but actually being a hero, Equestria learned, is easier said than done.
Evil didn't yield to the heroes even then. It adapted, raising its own masked champions to oppose the Vigilantes. But when the heroes left, the shadows stayed. Now, crime is out of control. No one dares to fight back. No one, that is, but one mare who takes up an old mantle to desperately try and hold back the darkness threatening to consume the city, and defend harmony.
Chapters (7)
Well this was certainly an interesting start. i look forward to reading more of this, keep up the good work.
I really like where this is going.
I'll be watching...
*its
I was confused. Does she actually flinch from an imaginary attack, or is the whole thing metaphorical? Might make more sense to say the city didn't acknowledge her instead. Just my thoughts.
*Silk. Don't forget to capitalize it. Wait, Silk is a guy?
You're mixing up said tags here. Try this:
Action tags are new sentences. Or you could use a regular said tag, I think it works just as well:
I would point out that it's the largest one speaking the first time he speaks, which is why I left it out. But again, my thoughts.
*on, not one, the second time. You're welcome.
There's a gaping hole where a "here" should be. At least to my eyes. Up where? Up what?
'Lurching' and 'draws' don't really mesh tense-wise. Maybe 'lurching forward and drawing his hoof up'. And the next phrase could use a comma.
Is it implied that she took that second attack, or am I just not following the action? Implying action doesn't usually work unless it's set up in something like a scene break. Maybe say "my second attack", that communicates an action more than just an opportunity. I think the 'instinctively' helped confuse me, too. If he's just been hit, it's not so much instinct as reflex that makes him double over, which doesn't really need to be pointed out. Thus: "leans forward, doubling over in pain".
Should be 'for'.
This switched from first-person to talking directly to herself. Pick one or the other and remember to stick with it in the future. Also, those are two different sentences, so 'suddenly' should have a period, not a comma.
Something's not right here. Easiest fix is to stick a comma between 'past' and 'inches'.
I would make this its own sentence. It already is, it just needs a period.
Should be 'forward'.
This could be split into three sentences.
Just like a verbal quote, this needs a comma to separate the quote from the tag.
I would mix this up for flow reasons:
Capitalize!
Good first chapter. You pulled off "undisciplined" action very well. Let's see if you have plot to back up that action.
4949457
You're hired.
Finally updated!
5010299
Yep, all the chapters should be in their most current and polished version now
It's Derpy! Gotta be. I have no idea, actually.
5532407
Well, guess the cat's out of the bag.