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Why. Just Why.1,098 words
You're Not Serious. Nope.2,203 words
Puns are a Rogue's Best Friend1,958 words

Puns are a Rogue's Best Friend

Wally really didn’t consider himself a skeptic.

He was pretty damn easy to believe stuff, all things considered. One of his regular villains was a freaking talking gorilla. Right out of “Planet of the Apes.” So yes, he was not a very cynical person. How could he be in the WEIRD world that he lived in?

Sometimes he envied civvies.

Even so, there is only so much one can take before they just start wondering if they’ve lost it. And, in this case, it was staring at a freaking unicorn (a really cartoon-y unicorn too, something out of Hello Kitty or Pokémon) wearing pretty armor, looking at him like a madman.

“Flash, are you okay? Of course I’m a pony! Did somepony put a spell on you? Was it Princess Luna? She’s always such a troublemaker…”

“What the HELL are you talking about? Who are you? Who’s Princess Luna?” Flash snapped, attempting to get to his feet, but stumbling and falling flat on his face. Which was when he noticed he now had a muzzle. A light orange muzzle.

And then he screamed again, backpeddling on his hooves until he hit the wall. His wings flared out and he attempted to vibrate through the wall, but his super speed didn’t seem to want to work, and that only caused the pegasus pony to panic harder.

“Flash!” the unicorn put his forehooves on Wally’s shoulder, and the pegasus quickly threw him off out of pure reflex, and raced down the hall. He could still feel himself connected to the Speed Force, so he could still use it, but he couldn’t seem to tap into it! Come on, come on, work!

That was when he ran, head-first, into a white, winged-unicorn wearing a crown, with a mane that seemed to be made of magic itself.

“Well, you’re certainly not from around here, are you, my little pony?”

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“Oh no.”

“What is it?”

“The universes. You know how fragile they are, right?”

“Yeah, you’ve told me. Like the time the cats got through, right?”

“Exactly. They’re folding in on each-other again. And what’s worse is that THEY have been brought through here. And they’re not supposed to be here. Their own universe needs them to maintain the balance.”

“What do you mean ‘they’?”

“Have you ever seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?”

“You mean Filly Wonka? Yeah, I love that movie!”

“Well…yes, I guess that works. The universe is made of archetypes. The Good Triad, the big three that maintain order. Here, it’s Celestia, Luna, and Cadence. Then there are the teams that help maintain the order. The Elements of Harmony. There’s always the Laughing Chaos. There’s always the King of Shadows. There’s always Light that shines in the Dark.”

“But what does that have to do with Filly Wonka?”

“Well, there are always two more archetypes. But not just limited to a few people. These are the ones that live in people all across the multiverses. Hell, I’m considered one by a lot of people.”

“Come on, tell me!”

“The Music Makers. The Dreamers of Dreams.”

“I…don’t understand.”

“You will, don’t worry. Now, let’s get a move on! Let’s go help the universe again!”

“…don’t ever change.”

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“Sooooo, who’s ready to hit the hay?”

“Shut up James.”

“That was a good one, you have to admit.”

“No. So I won’t.”

A silence fell across the Rogues. All of them had taken separate haystacks-spread as far away from each other as possible-across the barn. In the center of the ring of villains, three separate oil lamps were lit, because Mick insisted on it, and all of them were too damn tired to argue with him. In all honesty, none of them wanted to sleep, but they needed a few hours of pure silence to think.

Four of them had come back from the dead. That alone would warrant serious thinking time. But not only that, they had woken up in the bodies of cartoon-horses and were now sleeping in an open, unguarded, completely dark area, with absolutely zero protection except for each other. And, despite how naturally they all had fallen into the pattern of following Len and guarding each other during confrontation, none of them could really say that they trusted their team enough to sleep.

So, for a long time, they were quiet.

“Does anyone remember the time that Piper made Barry do the Macarena?” Lisa finally asked. A collective chuckle rippled through the group.

“What about the time Mark made it rain on the day the Cubs were playing?” Mick added. “Len was SO pissed.”

“I still need to get ya back for that one.” Len growled, rolling over to face the pegasus, who stuck out his tongue.

“Hey! YOU made me slide into a brick wall and smash my face in!”

“Oh yeah, good times.” Len added thoughtfully. Digger snorted.

“I think ya should get back at Tricks fer the time he made ya fall fer ‘Trixie’.” Boomerang said, smirking. Immediately, the entire group cracked up.

“Seriously, you cross-dressed? How the hell do you get away with making fun of me when you seduced Len?!” Piper asked indignantly. James laughed.

“Hey! It’s not MY fault I’m so pretty!”

“And people say MY costume’s gay.”

“It is, Roy. It is.”

“No one asked you, Sam.”

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The next morning found the Rogues standing outside awkwardly, while Applejack paced in front of them, giving looks to the barn on the hill where her family was supposed to be emerging from.

“They just can’t get a move-on when it needs ta be done, can they?” she grumbled, flicking her tail in irritation.

“Hold your horses, I’m sure they’re coming!” James chirped. The Rogues groaned.

“Make it stop. Please, make the puns stop.” Mark begged, only causing the Trickster to laugh harder.

“I don’t-“ but before Applejack could finish her sentence, three ponies dive-bombed the cowgirl, tackling her to the ground.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SPIES!” the three chorused in unison, and Piper began having violent flashbacks of watching the Wests’ twins.

“APPLEBLOOM!” Applejack cried out as she laughed, pushing the three foals off of her. “Ya gotta warn me before ya do that!”

“But wouldn’t that kinda defeat the purpose of the spy thing?” the filly with the spikey, purple mane asked.

“Yeah! Then we can’t be spies!” The white unicorn added. Applejack frowned.

“Yeah…but I gotta help our new workers get used ta the job, and I can’t do that with y’all attackin’ me.”

“This is just so bleedin’ cute. I can’t take it.” Digger deadpanned. Len snorted.

“Hey, I think it’s nice!” Lisa pointed out. Mark just rolled his eyes.

While Piper was lost in memories of his own younger sister…

Seeing this, James was quick to provide a distraction. “Hey, we’re standing right here! I would appreciate being addressed as an employee! And lunch breaks are a necessity! Piper over here cannot live without his coffee, and seeing him grumpy is NOT GOOD!”

The musician quickly snapped out of his reverie, and scowled. “Like seeing you without your sugar is any better.”

“At least it’s better than Len without his ice cream.”

“Shut the hell up.”

“Ohhh, I know how that feels, Mr. Len! I need my ice cream to survive too! But big sis won’t let me get any from Sugarcube Corner, but Pinkie will! And it tastes SOOOO GOOD, let’s go get some together one day, I’m SURE big sis will let me get some if it’s with a stallion!” the white unicorn babbled, bouncing in excitement.

“Well, looks like you’ve got yourself a date!” Mick snickered. Len put his face in his hooves. Scootaloo laughed nervously and put her hooves over Sweetie Bell’s mouth.

“Sorry, she really doesn’t know when to stop talking.”

“So, what is this task that we’re going to preform?” Lisa quickly cut in. Len shot his sister a pathetically grateful look. Applejack quickly straightened, going into “serious mode.”

“Y’all are gonna be buckin’ apples with me, it’s harvestin’ season, and the crop’s real good this year, twice the normal amount! For yer hard work, y’all are gonna get to live here fer the time bein’, and get a few bits on the side.”

“Bucking apples?” Roy asked, blinking. “Like…harvesting them?”

“Yep!” the cowgirl declared proudly. “And if y’all work hard enough, we’re gonna get ya a batch o’cider to go with dinner!”

“…cider?” Digger asked, suddenly realizing that he really needed a freaking drink. Applejack grinned.

“Yep, so y’all follow me, I’ll show ya how ta buck the apples, and then y’all can go ta work!”

“Cider.” Len agreed.

“Cider.” The rest of the Rogues repeated, a clear goal in mind.

All for the cider.

--------------------------

“Who are you?” Wally West asked. The winged-unicorn tilted her head, a gentle smile lighting up her face.

“I should be asking you the same question, shouldn’t I?”

“I’m Flash!” the speedster snarled, wings unfurling threateningly. “Fastest man alive. Founding member of the Justice League!”

The pony simply smiled. “Well, you’ve certainly gotten the first part right, I suppose. The body you’re wearing belongs to Flash Sentry, a pegasus from my world, and one of the royal guards of Princess Cadence. I suspect that whoever preformed this swap finds the similar names amusing, and so switched your spirit with that of Flash Sentry.”

“A bodyswap…” Wally murmured. “Where am I?” he suddenly asked.

“You’re in the land of Equestria.”

“Equestria?”

The winged-unicorn smiled. “Well, I suppose this will take a bit of time. Please, follow me, I do not think you want to stand and fidget the entire time.”

“Actually…I prefer to stand.” Wally replied, rubbing his wings against his sides for movement. Speedsters never stood still. Sitting was like being confined. The pony tilted her head, but sat down herself, forehooves tucked under her chest.

“Well, to start, my name is Princess Celestia, and the country you’re in is called Equestria…”

Two hours later, Wally’s head was spinning. “What…do you think I should do.”

Princess Celestia gave a graceful tilt of her head, then smiled. “Personally, I do not believe that you are alone in your situation. So it would be rather smart of you to seek out others who share the same plight. However, I do not recommend that you go alone…perhaps I should have my faithful student come and assist you.”

A mischievous gleam lit up in the alicorn’s eyes. “It would be rather amusing to see her work so hard to restore the personality of a stallion she liked…”

“Oh shit…”

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Axel was pretty easy to piss off. And even easier to amuse. But pretty damn hard to impress.

So it was kind of amazing that he somehow managed to be all three at the same time.

He was pissed off at the fact that he was a freaking unicorn. A tall, skinny unicorn. With green hair. And a snail on his ass.

He was amused at how Owen looked. A tiny, chubby unicorn. A really freaking ugly one. With a pair of scissors on his ass.

And he was impressed at how the hell Evan managed to shoot him up to get him like this.

Whatever.

He curled up next to Owen, and fell back asleep.

It would wear off soon.

Right?

Author's Note: