Apologies. So many apologies. They were thrown at me like bricks to a window, and it was painful. I didn't want their apologies, I wanted to die. But deep down I feel like I'm lying when I say that... but I don't know why. Isn't that why I was about to jump anyways? Because I wanted to say 'fuck off' to everypony and die... maybe burn in hell while I'm at it. I figured hell is better than this place. So why am I still writing in this journal? Well, I'm confused, and I don't feel like trying to understand this right now, so fuck that for now.
Back to the apologies... it wasn't what they said that hurt. Or how their faces showed lots of sadness. It was their voices. Their voices gave me a feeling that I'd never thought I'd feel. I felt cared for. Loved. And it hurt so bad. I'm confused though... isn't this what I wanted? To have attention, to be loved... and cared for? Why does it hurt so much then? How come every time I think about it, my heart grows heavy? Why, dammit? I probably won't figure it out any time soon.
Twilight Sparkle... my mom... sister... boss... I don't know what she is to me. A lot of times, we act as siblings, but she hatched me, so she's more like my mom... I guess? Anyways, she's not so good right now. Actually, she's been in her bed crying for the entire day. I still feel like a monster after what I told her. I probably won't ever forgive myself for telling her that I wish she never hatched me. She ran upstairs and puked. She was either disgusted with me or herself, and I'm sure we can agree that she was disgusted with herself. I really wanted to hug her and tell her that everything will be alright, but... I don't even know if it'll be alright. Why would I make Twilight believe something that I'm not even sure of? I'm not even in control with my feelings. Control. Something that I have a paper-thin strand of and can tear at any moment. The right push or the right tweak, and there goes all of my control. Gone. Then I might have to be thrown into an asylum or something until I grow to be too big to handle and get sent off far from Equestria. Nah, I'll probably die before that or something. Probably gonna be that nutcase that flung himself off a cliff while laughing the entire time. Yeah... I think I'll try to keep my sanity, I mean, I probably will already be known as crazy for jumping in the first place. I don't want to die more pathetically than how I was going to do earlier. I know suicide is pathetic and the coward's way out of a problem but I'm seen as pathetic anyways, so I'll do whatever the hell I want to do.
Rainbow Dash scared me when she apologised. For one, she actually cried. Also, after her rather long and emotional apology, she whispered 'Not again' when she walked away, and I could only figure that somepony she really cared about tried to kill themselves too. They probably succeeded, or went crazy. Or maybe they're not the same anymore. Whichever one it is, as wrong and mean as it sounds, I don't really care right now. I don't need to worry about another pony's problems. I'm already struggling with mines right now. Anyways, she promised she'd pay more attention to me, and that she'd never make the same mistakes again. Automatically, I doubted it. I don't know why I did but I just...
Moving on. Pinkie Pie... while not as creepy as Dash... was still pretty creepy. While Dash was creepy because she was like a entirely different pony and her eyes seemed... lifeless... Pinkie was creepy because she was... quiet. All she said was 'I'm sorry. I should've made you smile more' and went to sulk in the dark corner of the room. She had also gotten a shade darker somehow... but that's Pinkie being Pinkie... I guess. Actually, although our situations aren't the same, I'm sure she and I could relate to each other. I know you're probably confused, so I'll enlighten you. Pinkie Pie is misunderstood all the time and ponies don't take her seriously. Also, they shrug off anything they don't understand as Pinkie being Pinkie, and don't try to understand it or talk to her about it... like I just did. Wow... just noticed what I did. Anyways, like I was saying, Pinkie Pie must feel like everypony thinks she's crazy or stupid. She probably needs somepony to talk to... I'd be happy to be that pony! Er... dragon! Having somepony that can understand how you feel must be good. She's probably having as many emotional issues as me. But I'm probably wrong. Since when am I ever right anyways?
Applejack... her apology was quite short. But that was because of her honesty. Instead of telling her whole life story with an apology, she just said that she was sorry and was wrong for what she did and that she wouldn't treat me wrongly anymore. That's it. Bam. And then she sat down on a cushion and was being stubborn, refusing to cry. Trying to be strong I guess. Meh.
Fluttershy... was a wreck. She was crying and squeezing me, saying she was sorry over and over again, begging me to forgive her. She just kept going and going until I pushed her away from me. I broke the poor mare's heart. She was crying so much, I was surprised she had any tears left in her.
Rarity... oh Rarity. She blamed herself and said she was selfish, a horrible friend, a horrible pony, blah blah blah, on and on. She was 'So sorry!' and that she did 'The. Worst. Possible. Thing!'. She was nonstop words, nonstop apologies, and nonstop... lies. 'Oh Spikey-Wikey, I'll never treat you horribly again. I promise!' Number one, don't make promises you can't keep. Something will turn up. It's just life. Two, treating me like a baby feels like you're treating me horribly, so it would help if she just stopped calling me 'Spikey Wikey'. It annoys the shit out of me. 'Oh I care so much about you!' Then show it Rarity! Show it. 'I'll never do it again' 'I will be a good friend to you' 'you'll never have to worry-'
And that's when I told her to fuck off. 'You'll never have to worry...' I have no idea what she was gonna say after that. But it doesn't change the fact that I was through with all of the lies that streamed through her mouth. She can go fuck herself. When she walked away, she turned around for a second and whispered 'I love you, Spike'. I glared an her and almost yelled at her, but then stopped and looked down and flipped the bird at her. Anypony who knew anything about Minotaurs knew what that was, and she cried even harder after seeing that. It took me nearly dying for her to say it. . And what if I'd done it? And most importantly, what if she's lying? If she really loved me, would she me her slave like that? She wants to take advantage of me, treat me wrong, break my heart... twice! With two stallions who weren't right for her!... and say she loves me? I don't trust that. At all. I won't have my heart broken any more just because of her.
But... I know that I still love her, deep inside. I just didn't want to deal with her bullshit at that moment. I know that I'll end up giving her another chance. It'll take a lot of work to get everything back to normal, but I'm willing to do it. I probably wont end up in a relationship with Rarity any time soon or anything. Probably never. But we'll have to work really hard on the friendship thing.
What? Okay futuristic ponies, if you're confused, then I'll explain. I know it's confusing that I am just hammering Rarity, yet I say that I still love her. Well, that's because... I've loved her for a long time, and just because she's done so many wrong things doesn't mean that love will go away. It also doesn't mean I appreciate all the fucked up shit she has done to me. So there.
Back to the other girls... I still care a lot about them. I want Fluttershy to be able to get over this, and Rainbow Dash to not go through whatever trauma she had before again, Applejack to be able to express her feelings, Pinkie Pie to cheer up and be understood, and Twilight to stop beating herself up. I just hope that it can happen. But since when do things ever go my way? With how my luck is, things will probably be fucked up from now on.
---
Hello Diary, me again. I couldn't sleep, I'm pretty sure you know why, and I decided to write in this diary to pass the time. I really...
Hi Diary... wow. I had gotten interrupted by the most unexpected pony, Discord. We had a long talk. Really long.
We talked about how he was in my situation before. I wont bore you with a long description of how it went. He basically said that he was the last of his kind and was adopted by a unicorn couple. He was always ignored, abused, and nopony loved him. He tried his best to get along with ponies, but all they did was call him a monster and beat him up. He'd been made fun of, ignored, and beat up for 100 years, until he seeked power to get revenge. He wasn't supposed to even have much magic, but still searched. So after five years of searching, he was ready to give up, and he was that age where he was about to die, until he found the Alicorn Amulet. Although dark magic wasn't discovered yet at that time (3,500 years ago) He still ended up using it because of his stored up anger, and when the fusion of the dark magic and the magic from the Amulet mixed, it became chaos. So he made the ponies suffer for a thousand years, then he became stone, 500 years later came Nightmare Moon and... and I did exactly what I said I wasn't going to do. The important part was that he wasn't kidding when he said he understood what I was going through. Heck, he went through worse than me. Also, that guy's insane!
So after we parted ways, I went back to the room Twilight and I share, and... fuck, Twilight was creepy! With my candle stick glowing, I was able to see Twilight's face. Her eyes were so red, and her face had no emotion showing. Her tears were dried onto her fur, and her mane was a mess. And those eyes. They just stared forward, not blinking, empty. They showed no sign of life in them and they seemed dim. At that time, I didn't care that I wasn't sure for myself whether everything would be okay or not. I jumped on the bed and hugged her tight, promising that everything would be okay. We stayed like that for a long time, her crying, and me hugging her, telling her words that promised a better future.
Well, I finally got her to sleep a few minutes ago, and I'm tired. Maybe I can get some sleep... I'm not sure. But I'll try. See ya later diary!
- A confused Spike
4690893 Well... Just imagine if your friend was on a cliff staring down... but didn't actually jump and turned around and went back home. Would you put them in an asylum just so they can go to a place that they know holds crazy people and wont have any supportive friends and family, and hope they can cope in there? Also, he wrote this when the Mane Six left and it was evening/ night time. Also... really? Don't trust a dragon with scales harder than diamond with a quill?
The way he wrote 'See ya later diary', gives me some sign that the relationships are improving somewhat. But they still have a long way to go, especially Rarity.
Minor nitpick; I really can't see Spike saying fuck off and fuck you and fuck this duck and etc. I know he doesn't want their apologies and is pretty much fed up with dem bullshit, but still...
Whatevs dawg. Ain't my story. You do whatever the fuck you wanna do!!!
4691170
4691175 But answer this question... do we really see how Spike really feels in the show? Most of the time he's putting on a fake smile. It sure doesn't seem kike his usual act, but this story is based on what I think is how he really is.
Well it looks like he's been pushed over the edge and doesn't want to be anyone's punching bag. Though it's good to see that Spike is trying to get the friendship going for the better.
4691203
Yes, subjectivity is a wonderful thing! It makes all weirdly unique like that!
And like a douche, I shall answer your question with a question. How often do we see sapient beings in Equestria swear? I know you believe that Spike thinks of the word "fuck" in his thoughts, but judging from Equestrian society in canon, no one ever explicitly swears at others or themselves even if the situation demands it.
Take for example when Twilight tried to catch a taxi for Rarity in "Rarity Takes Manehatten." The stallion could've told her to fuck off like a typical urban dweller but instead told her that she ain't nothing special.
Yes, insults do exist in Equestria but there's no evidence to suggest that the word "fuck" exists in equine tongue. Besides, if you like into the true origins of the word "fuck", you'll find that it is literally impossible for this word to exist in Equestria, given it's very specific and anatomical origin.
Dude, I'm so sorry that I got really technical on you. You're doing fine. Again, you go out and do whatever the fuck you wanna do!!!
Discord isn't a pony...
4488624 stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/3355808/aang-runs-from-unagi-o.gif
Very good, and this whole story sounds, err, reads like spike.
I like how this has been going so far. You truly are a amazing writer, good sir. Keep up the great work.
Could use a bit more proof reading for spell and grammar errors.
And does anyone else think Rarity was busy trying to make it all about her?
4693321 Rarity's all about dat bullshitin
Every word was a dayum lie!
4691287 But you haven't thought about the fact that we haven't seen the 'ghetto' places in Equestria either. Their states are all the same as ours, just ponified. A lot of stuff has real-world places and problems. So, who says they don't say 'fuck' in the run down places. The ponies that are all prancing around with their money have no reason to say fuck. but I'm sure they say that in the ghetto. Also, at the middle finger most likely is used by dragons, minotaurs, and griffons (We've only seen one grisson and minotaur... dragons are always mad, so they have no reason to do it) and cursing probably came from them too... as those three races are (By theory) Quite agressive. So you could be right... there could be no cursing in Equestria, but who says there is no cursing in the other places? Hmm?
4691301 He's probably 1/25 pony... so yeah he can say pony...
4693038 Thanks, by the way, I'm a girl
4693321 I wrote it... at 2:45... I was sleepy...
And also, Rarity had a habit of doing that (I noticed in the show she sometimes goes against her element)... so she is... kinda...
4693986
See, there we go again, subjectivity! You and I know don't know what it's like In the Ghetto because that enviroment has never been shown in the show or comics (according to my limited knowledge.) 'Tis headcannon at this point dawg.
And what you talking about that rich ponies don't swear?(Lets assume that ponies do swear, even occasionally.) I've known many wealthy people and they swear and piss and bitch and moan just everyone else does. Money got nothin' to do with saying the word "fuck" if you are pissed off enough... unless money is indeed involved in the situation, like if you were poor and you want to let the world know you're pissed off.
And as far as the middle finger goes, well... the middle represents an erect phallus and the adjacent fingers represent the balls... so maybe the Bird can exist in Equestria?
I don't fuckin' know dawg so...
ih1.redbubble.net/image.11321547.3641/fc,140x140,asphalt.jpg
4694004 Oh. My apologies. I feel ashamed when I mistake a girl for a boy. I'm so sorry.
4694425 it's...fine.
kidding...you'refine
Now I didn't say they don't swear. I said that they don't have a reason to swear, so you won't really see them do it.
Also, I only say that about the 'ghetto' because Equestria is a lot similar to America in the real world and has a lot of stuff we have too. In theory, they should have 'ghetto' places like we have.
4694574
Imma assume you were responding to lil' ol' me
Yeah, you're right; a perfectly rational and sensible wealthy pony probably won't have a valid reason to start swearing at the sky and Jeebus from little to no provocation... unless some wicked alcohol was involved.
If there was, please pass some this way as I am currently a broke ass college student looking for a good time
And yes, you are probably right when you say that ghettos exist in Equestria because, let's be real, there's gonna be ghettos no matter where you go in the world... unless you're in the woods... or desert.... or tundra
But dawg, Imma have to disagree with you in saying that Equestria is anything like America (I'll assume you're referring to the good ol' USA.) Between the political discourse, apathy, distrust, and disgust in our federal and state governments, an outstanding $17 trillion debt looming over our heads that someone has to pay, the exposures of the way women are treated and yet the plight of men is simply ignored, the brainwashing of our society teaching us that we are meant to sit down, shut the fuck up, and listen to useless information in our hugely underfunded public education system while also teaching us to ignore our heart and cut off the body because the only thing that's important is our brain, etc, the USA is nothing like Equestria.
Equestria just has to deal with physical threats that are solved in less than 3 days.
But maybe we share good qualities????
I dunno. It's up for us to decide because it's all fucking subjective
Now go do whatever the fuck you wanna do
4693999 Good point
Amazing chapter as always, Keep up the good work, I can't wait for the next chapter :D
4694675
Subjectivity is the topic of something being relative to a perspective and qualities found unique to the individual perceiving the effect, ultimately people's beliefs and solid preferences. Facts that only work on certain people. I don't think it applies to rationalizing or assumptions because both aren't labelled definitive, simply hypothetical based on some kind of observation. It's neither objective nor subjective at that point because it's provisional. Either way the topic of swearing is also something easily objective in practice because the origin of the word, though confused through a few different means, originates from old germanic languages translating from the word 'to strike' or something similar and seeing as My little Pony definitively states many cities to be direct takes off of real American locations (Manehattan, las pegasus) we could go all the way into the theory that this world is an alternate reality relatively adjacent to our own. Taking that into account, they also display several accents reminiscent of ones available in real life, particularly Photo finish speaking with a german accent indicative of a germanic language making the creation of the word 'Fuck' plausible (Not counting Fluttershy mentioning 'French' at one point which is practically a neighboring country to Germany though it might not be related here) if not a reasonable mistranslation into 'Buck' which would make it a reasonably safe version of a word meaning 'to strike' which would be both phonetically and contextually accurate. Which also means that in the context of 'Bucking trees' for apples, it's simply hitting trees. But also saying 'Buck you' seeing the peaceful nature of Equestria would be saying 'Strike you' or a threat which would put it into it's proper perspective and mean that Buck can be, in fact, an equivalent of Fuck if you don't simply go with Fuck for the plausibility of it existing in some form or another like some people believing it to be an acronym for 'Fornicate Under Command of King' which is ridiculous but would actually make it easier to prove that the word would exist in Equestria as there is monarchy and fornicate is, according to the almost one-for-one language Equestria has (save puns related to horses) most likely a word and can be used in a similar context. Was any of this subjective? Not really, it's a theory. It's based off of evidence that puts itself into context and is followed until a reasonable outcome is found.
Granted I won't deny some of the things the author said were based a bit more on wanting rather than reasoning but there is always reason to believe there are swears of some origin in a show based around our ideas. It's inevitable, really, that just our way of designing it would create at least enough context to devise an answer because 'like father like son' or whatever. Even if they didn't want to, aggression is a part of the world and nature and language isn't definitively nice. As long as there's diversity in language there's aggression in language. I just wanted to put this out there, no hard feelings or anything, I just have a tendency to try and give answers if I can help.
Oh and just because the princess raises the sun doesn't mean she doesn't have debt. A gigantic nation that we only see the fun adventures of when there are relations with nations, other countries, other powerful leaders, etc. Ironically, that's rather subjective to assume you know something based on all you've seen when a world is a world regardless of what you've taken the time to look at. It's not impossible to think that the reason Celestia even has to worry about controlling her kingdom is because she isn't 'needed' for the job, she just does it the easiest. They could probably find a way to do it on their own but she makes a good monarch with a strong purpose. While it eliminates some of the governmental issues, you should always keep an open mind. But I would wager it's still much better than our situation regardless.
On another note...
>> SonicMlpGamerandArtist
You know, this part in particular I think you pulled off really well. I appreciate that you've been doing well with the depression aspect so far, especially seeing how people with depression, as far as I've seen, are still able to think with a rather effective level of rationality and care for other people, they just don't give the same kindness to themselves. Spike has been believably depressed because he didn't want to cause 'more' trouble and hurt 'more' ponies, he only wanted to end it so he didn't have to be a part of it or a cause for trouble. And that part about love? I know what it's like when you crave affection and care, or just plain attention and then after you've had to go to such extreme lengths just to get it you don't really want it anymore because you've proven to yourself that the amount you have to spend to receive it is far too much to give it value anymore. He had to nearly kill himself for anyone to even realize that he was important to them and now he's already discarded the value of his life, to him they've only proven that they want him around, but not because they've been hurting to do much with him. More like they 'need' him but were never ecstatic about 'keeping' him. At that point, hah, I'm still surprised he cares about them. But he probably only feels bad that 'he' is causing trouble.
4700084
Taken the time to look at... ummm dawg? I'm going off what I've competently seen in the show itself (not the comics because I'm an illiterate fuck ) And in said show we've seen personal debts that are paid off, like this yokel ->, but nothing has been mentioned of a national debt that is bearing down on Equestria's neck. Now you're right, it's not irrational to assume that the Equestrian government has a debt to pay because lets face it, any modern country WILL have debt and is almost nigh impossible to completely pay it off. Hell, the USA only managed to do it once... a long time ago (don't give me that look, I know I'm not citing facts ) It kinda makes you wonder what the debt would encompass though. Like, I imagine having to get loans for natural disasters don't happen that often, because of those winged horses. Or maybe a lot of the spending goes to the Equestrian version of Medicare, Medicaid, and all that crap.
And dawg, about the whole "fuck" word, I didn't mean for things to get so damn technical. I mean holy shit! That's a big block o' words down there in your comment! (eloquently worded mind you) The only reason I ever brought it up was because I couldn't take it seriously when I read that this putz -> is thinking and saying fuck to other ponies and himself. I just laugh my ass off every time I see it, because I just don't see Spike being one to do that, based on my very limited knowledge and limited perception of their and my reality! I'm not saying that it detracts from his pain and agony nor does it degrade the quality of the author's story. I'm just facetious like that.
To each their own dawg
4700367 But I like how far this conversation with the word 'fuck is going. It's interesting! And funny!
4700859
Well I'm happy to entertain! And yet while we were still debating that word, semantics, debt, and Elvis Presley being in the ghetto.... poor Spike is still crying up there..... oh well.
Fuck is just too important to be ignored! :D
4700367
Oh my job isn't to start a huge deal, like I said I just jump in to try and give that other perspective or answer questions if I can reason with it. I'm just pointing out it's plausible and spike 'is' like, what, 17 or so? It's no big deal I think but it's not like I'm trying to kill anyone. I'm actually surprised you reacted as calmly as you did. Some people seem to see a wall of text and think I'm trying to attack them so it's a breath of fresh air this went as smoothly as it did. It's just fun to be technical, I think!
4701416
4700956
I love you two. That's why I'll give you a SPIOLER! The next chapter's topic is puberty!
Don't believe me? Well just wait and see!
4701416
Yeah I know right? A douche would probably see that big-ass paragraph, without even reading the first word, and would just yell to themselves, "Aw hell naw! This fucker's trying to disprove my weakly structured theory and/or argument! *cracks knuckles while Cheetos dust flies off his hand at the sudden movement* Well, I'm just going write an even longer counterargument because everyone knows that if MY paragraph is longer, I clearly know more and my argument is therefore more structurally sound... even if it's full of bullshit. It probably won't hurt if bring down the other arguer by insulting them and their immediate family too. Hmmm... I better put the word fag in here somewhere, just to drive the point home."
Me? I just take it in stride and very much appreciate another view on the subject of the argument. It's fun! And I'm smarter in the process.
You? Well I dunno if you learned anything from me. Prolly just learned that I say and write dawg a lot.
*Raises Corona, albeit wobbly * To knowledge!
4701472
Puberty? Awww fuck, here we go!
i55.tinypic.com/103enfk.gif
Wow, really hope that there's hope for all of them, and especially for Spike...
4735460 No, I pressed publish too early. I didn't mean to at all! It's supposed to have way more! Maybe I clicked it in my rage when the rest of my chapter got deleted?
4735495 I hope you finish it soon, my favorites still marks it as unread, and OCD is making it an eyesore.
Another awesome chapter. I'm not noticing any of the errors just seeing the extra effort you go to, to make it look like a diary entry not just a story. So grammar or spelling errors are the least of your worries. Keep em coming girl.
4738058 Didn't I unpublish chapter 6? Because I sure didn't finish it.
Update?
To be honest, I don't see any need in any criticism here. I love this story. It was a great pleasure to read. So, all I can say is thank you for writing it.
4763957 Well, thank you for reading it, liking it, and giving me a positive comment.
Nice backstory for Discord
We love Rainbow Dash's part and how thee related Spike to Pinkie that was awesome. We were just really expecting her to become Pinkamena though
Wait, Spike and Twilight..FUCKED?!?!
5431331 What gave you that idea?