This Third Entry
Diary entry 3: June 1, 2014
Dear Diary,
I almost died today. But that's not uncommon. I almost died in the Sombra incident, the changeling invasion, Discord's escape, and today, I almost died from being smothered by Twilight as she hugged me in happiness. After cleaning up the mess from Tirek, Pinkie had thrown a big party. But I wasn't happy. The library was gone. I had something special under my bed too. I nearly cried my heart out to find it gone. A ring. I had carefully crafted it with bits and diamonds. I melted a bit, shaped it into a ring, let it cool, found the perfect sized diamond and attached it. I even put a few more smaller diamonds to make it look prettier. I had made is for the special somepony I'd never have, and I cherished it. and now... it's probably gone. With the rest of my memories and belongings. Every item I loved and cherished that was in that library was gone. I was devastated. I tried to tell Twilight but she was too busy partying with her friends.
I tried to talk to Rarity at the celebration, but all she did was baby talk. My heart broke a little more every time I hear a Y used at the end of a word or a W replacing the letters R or L. I was basically an outcast at the party. I felt so down. Even Discord got a lot of positive attention. He was break-dancing and wiggling around, making everypony laugh. He looked over at me a few times, I noticed. When he did he looked a bit worried. I was wondering why though. Maybe he knew something was up? I don't know, maybe he's just trying to freak me out or something.
Twilight had the nerve to ask me if I had fun at the party. So, she hadn't even looked for me at all. I wanted to scream no. I wanted to tell her that I felt horrible at the party, like I didn't fit in, like every other day in my life. I wanted to storm out of the big, ugly, bulky
piece of shit crystal tree that should only belong in the Crystal Empire! At least Celestia and Cadence's castled blend in with their cities (Empire in Cadence's case). Twilight's castle sticks out like a sore hoof in Ponyville. And it's a fucking TREE! It's like the box just wanted me to feel miserable. Like it's just taunting me!
When I went to sleep after the party (I was bored, nothing else to do) Luna visited my dream. She tried to get me to talk, but I wouldn't do it. Although, I can tell she cares for me. She probably could've forced me to reveal what I thought in my dream. But she didn't force the knowledge out. She even told me something at the end but I don't understand it. She said that A world of silence is not understood. Only when noise is made, it can be noticed. I have no idea what that could mean. or what it has to do with me. I hate riddles like this.
Twilight had me be her slave again. With her being a princess, she has to do paperwork. Guess who actually does it? Me! I always have to do this every day, and it's just getting worse and worse. I have a claw cramp, yet I'm still writing this. But I'm used to it. Twilight makes me keep writing when I have a claw cramp. She doesn't even bother to ask whether I need a break or not. And when I try to speak to her, I'm always ignored, or she tells me to shush because she's trying to do her work. I try to speak, but I am ignored, shut out, uncared for. Nopony bothers to even ask about me..
Princess Celestia is sending more scrolls than before, and my voice is starting to sound a bit croaky. I can't yell if I ever need help, and it hurts to even talk in a normal tone. Clearing my throat feels like it's being stabbed, and I think I'm losing my voice. Not like anypony else notices.
I... I just don't know what to do. My life is just so complicated. I try to understand things that I feel, but it's impossible. I really feel like this cannot be fixed. Like life just really, really hates me or something. Like I will never accomplish anything in life. I want to be someone. I want to be know. I want to be heard! I want a life! Why can't I have that? Why can't I understand my feelings? Why can't I understand myself? Why can't any of my life ever MAKE SENSE!
I'm just a jumble. A mess. A nopony. A thing. An empty space. A swirl of untamed emotions. A nothing. Just worthless. And I've come to accept that. But that doesn't mean I like it. That doesn't mean I'm okay with how my life is going. I'm just so dizzy with confusion, anger, hate, sadness, frustration, want, need, MORE! I can feel myself shacking as I write. I-I need help I... I don't.. what? I... I don't understand! I don't know! Why, why, WHY? I want a normal life. I want love. I want nothing. I want something. Anything... no love. Or do I really want love. How could I ever know I'm just scribblinginabooki'mcryinglostijustdont know off task stressedoverwhelmed... I cant cry Twilight will hear and... I just... don't ... KNOW! Everythings so mixerupconfusindit's like i'm trapped without noplacein life and i try to do betterto improve, to be someone, but I have no place anywhereI don't belong here I JUST *Stab* *Stab* *Stab* I can't tame it.. no. No... no NOnonono I just cant do this. I have to rid myself of this confusion, this pain this... ARGH! I'm soo frustrated and I can't even handle myself. This is hell. This is hell! THIS IS FUCKING HELL!
*Small rip*
Look at me. Smashing my words up together uncontrollably. I can't even write correctly. Shows how 'grown' I am. Tears all over the page. Broken quills. Spilled ink. I can't even write down my thoughts without it FAILING! I can't do anything. And that's why I get nothing. I probably just don't deserve it. *Blood splat* Oh god I'm bleeding again. Probably from attempting to scream in rage with my throat in a bad condition. There's tears, blood and scrapes all over this page. I'm surprised it's still legible. I'm losing control of myself. I't so agonizing to know... nothing. It's wearing me down. I feel so... dead. I feel dead. And I just want it to end. I want it gone. I want...
Control,
love,
A life.
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Spike doesn't need these mare's shit.
It's time to move on, bud.
This fic trully deserves every like and favorite it gets, this fic is completely awesome, you writte so well that I could almost feel what Spike was feeling, congratulations, keep up the good work and maybe even update again today :D
4476191 still, overly mopey and "poor me" wangst. I would expect Rarity to have some of that, but not Spike.
I need more of this I want to know how it ends!
I'd love to see what Twilight would do if Spike just went and started taking breaks whenever he wanted. Or got a job! In a world of hooves, the dragon with thumbs is king!
Heck, given that Earth and Pegasus ponies need to use their mouths to write, he could probably make a decent living as a freelance scribe. In ye days of olde, 'writing things down for random people' actually was a viable profession.
I see what Luna is trying to get at. Spike has to tell others about his problems if he wants anything to change. And he better do so soon because the way things are going he might either kill himself or work himself to death.
We are reading Spike's villain origin. Also:
Both Chrysalis, the Changelings, and Discord left Spike alone, so he didn't almost die in the last two.
4478189 Axtually, remember all of those letters what made him cough up blood. And everybody almost died in the changeling invasion...
This thought of ending it come to me a few times when I was younger from the bullying, feeling like an outcast. I'm grateful that I'm still here and I hope Spike will find himself soon. I don't want Spike to be the sidekick, a punching bag, getting moments of appreciation and the rest of the time neglect. I won't die out of spite. Find the strength Spike.
4478450 Yeah I went through that too. Every time I saw the knife in the kitchen I just... yeah. But I made Origin of Egghead, go check that out if you want to know some of what happened to me in my life.
4475285 Your new at writing? That's shocking what you did in chapter three, jumbling up words, the spaces, capitalization; you showed how spike was feeling as he was losing control. Spike finds his feelings well and that is the problem right there. Maybe an outside party like Zecora could help him. But then you'd need to come up with a lot of rhymes. Maybe Cheerilee or Cadence since she has known Spike longer being Twilight's foalsitter.
4478559 Yes I'm new at this. Spike's help will be someone else though.
Are you kidding me, how does he not fucking get this?
4479136
The same kid who looked an owl in the eye, and said "Me!" After the owl said "Whoo!" multiple times?
I feel for you there, Spike.
Sell a speech about your troubles to the crystal ponies and Twi will find a lot more than paperwork on her hooves!
oh... Poor Spikey Wikey~
I'm getting real worried about Spike. He does raise some valid points here.
Wonderful again! We love it as much as the last. This sounds like my life. Excepted nowhere because we are different. We (I) know that feel.
Whoa, this chapter got me hooked. I have no idea why but this part was especially interesting.
oh and a few things:
it*
ever*
known*
Reading on.
I adore this fic. This is exactly what I was looking for when I searched for Spike stories! There are way too many cutesy fics about Spike not feeling confident in his friendship with the girls, I needed something darker to offset all the sappiness.
6054531 EXACTLY! I like this kind of stories but there are too many ones about Spike going out on adventures and him hanging out with the girls. I want a story where Spike can express his emotions truly about being used...
~Aurora aka SShonix
6054531
And you know what the kicker is? A god called Nergal Sik'Tah once said to a person.
"I.... Can't do anything. Hmph. Funny, eh? An omnicient omnipowerful onmipresent God saying he's powerless. Truth is there really is nothing I can do. If I speak you think of it as falsities, if I show you truth you think of it as fabrications, if I show you your mistakes you ignore them. I can do nothing. And that..... that itself is far greater than anything I could hope to accomplish."