Twilight told me to write in this book to help keep track of my thoughts and emotions. She said if there’s anything I wanted to tell someone, but didn’t feel comfortable with doing that, I could tell this diary. Heh, she even said that maybe one day, when I have passed on, that somepony may dig it up and it’d become famous. I bet that’d never happen. I’m not special, and I probably have nothing special to put in this little book. But hey, she managed to get a green and purple one, so I’m happy.
Anyways, I should introduce myself to you… pony or whatever from the future! I am Spike the Dragon… yeah, a dragon! Isn't that cool? Meh, you future ponies probably don’t find that surprising. Anyways, I am purple with green spikes on my head and tail with green fin ears and a light tan belly. I’m not very big, but I’m only a baby dragon. But I know that in time I will become a big ferocious fire-breathing dragon! And I even have the fire-breathing part down!
But I guess that’s one thing I’m scared of though. You see, I’m Twilight Sparkle’s assistant/little brother/son all in one, and her friends, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity are our best friends. I love them all a lot, especially Rarity, my crush. But I’ll outlive them all, and I’ll really miss them. And then, if I grow to be really huge, too huge to handle, I’ll have to leave before they die of age, and I wont be there for the funeral, and I won’t know that they’re gone, and… and…
It’s scary.
But I’ll ALWAYS have Twilight. Heh, she’s an alicorn. Maybe you guys from the future get to meet her? And her friends that I mentioned are the Elements of Harmony, so they should all be known for millions of years or something. Not me though. I was always the third wheel, the assistant, the extra that’s barely noticed. I didn’t do anything special. I was loved because I threw a powerful artifact to safety. The only thing I did very great was save the Crystal Ponies from their doom… once… after humiliating myself… and it was a panicked rescue. I wasn’t Spike the brave dragon who knew what he was doing. I was Spike the scared dragon who panicked and somehow got lucky and saved everypony. I mean, come on, I didn’t even know I could shoot out that much fire. It was the adrenaline rush.
Twilight says she loves me every night, but with every passing day… I just doubt it more and more. Sure I’m her #1 assistant and she hugs me and gives me attention sometimes but… Celestia Dammit, I’m her SLAVE! When she’s going out to save the day, and I try to help she says ‘Spike, stay here’, ‘Spike, clean up while I handle this’ or ‘I’m sorry, but you’re a baby dragon, and I don’t want you hurt!’ But really, I don’t see why she says that. Yes, I am a baby dragon. But I have scales that are so rough that diamond can’t cut through them. If I concentrate enough I can shoot fire balls, fire beams, and use fire in many other attacks. I’m smart, and for pony’s sake, I can even use my claws for several things. But I am seen as (Weak, slow, and) ineffectual. Why?
I’m just complaining… but I guess that’s what I do best. I love my friends… and they seem to love me, but… not as much as they love each other. It’s like, they have a stronger bond with each other than they have with me. And I do everything, anything to impress them, help them, and care for them as best as I can. But they just don’t seem to notice. And It’s totally not cool slamming doors in my face, forgetting me in big places, ignoring when I’m in pain, and forcing me to do things when I really don’t want to. It really, really sucks so bad.
And then, the worst part of what I go through is… Rarity. I love her, so much. I do whatever she asks. I want to be with her, but then, she treats me like a baby, and that spoils it. Twilight hatched me when she was like, six, and she’s twenty six now. Yeah. I’m really twenty years old, only six years apart from rarity, and she still babies me. She lets my size fool her. I don’t know if anypony noticed, but I’m pretty smart and mature to be a ‘baby’. The reason my babyish acts still exist is because I never got to meet anypony and learn new things besides new words and books. Twilight never let me go anywhere. I only recently started having friends when she did. So I got most of my maturity with books, while the babyish me never really left me completely.
And I am a baby. By dragon standards. I’m a young grown stallion by pony standards. I should be able to have more freedom. But no, I have to be… nopony.
I wish ponies would realise that I don’t want this! I don’t. It’s painful to be a grown baby, and I get nothing for the pain. Nothing to help, to heal. NOTHING!
Heh, I probably won’t ever get to be with Rarity. She thinks I’m a kid, and she KNOWS what I feel. She takes advantage of me! She knows how much I love her, so I’m her slave too! I know gentlecolts carry a lady’s bags… that’s usually one fifth of what Rarity makes me carry. Do you know how many times I strained my muscles to their max trying to carry so much luggage… that she never USES anyway? I remember when my back and muscles hurt so bad that I couldn’t move for hours. And nopony was there. Twilight and the gang were in the Everfree Forest solving a big problem. I never knew what the problem was because nopony thought to check with me before or after the problem happened. I was sitting there in pain for hours trying to move, and when I finally could move, here comes Twilight barging in the door with a big fucking smile on her face, hugging me to death while I’m in pain. I groaned and tried to cry out, but she hugged too tight and I nearly choked and suffocated to death. Nopony CARES!
I just wish I was more.. Appreciated. I want to be truly loved. And I don’t think I could ever have that. Nopony gives a care about Spike the dragon. Obviously, I wasn't meant to live a clear, good, normal life. It makes me Question why Twilight had to hatch ME. Why couldn't I just be with my mom and dad in the dragon mountains? Why couldn't I be truly happy?
But despite all of this, I love them. I love my friends. And if they ever read this, and I hope they don’t, I hope they try to help me. If not… well, I still love them. Even if they don’t love me at all. That’s all Diary. Good night!
Is there a way to kill Rainbow dash? No? Damn. Do you want to know what that son of a mule said to me? She told me I was lucky! Since when am I fucking LUCKY! When was the last time I was truly happy or lucky. Oh, like HER life is so hard! Seriously, she can go somewhere else with that! Yes they have the physically hard part of life. Look who gets the emotionally stressing part of life? ME! Like she understands my life, my pain, my stress. No, until she lives a day of my life getting thrown, stepped on, kicked around, basically ABUSED every Celestia-damned day!
I'm glad Twilight recommended this diary to me. I can write down my frustrations whenever I want to. I feel like Twilight actually knows that something is up, and I respect her for that. Letting me keep it to myself and the diary until I was ready to tell somepony. I'm glad she actually notices me, and understands my problem to some extent. She truly loves me. I... it just relieves me. I have no idea why it does that, it just feels like I just got a new friend in an empty, bare space. Like I'm not alone any more. I might tell Twilight about this someday too. She deserves to know.
I'm not sure how much I can write now. I am in terrible pain after helping Rarity with her bags again. My claws really hurt from all of that weight they carried. S-she called me... 'Spikey-Wikey' again... my pride... I never knew my pride could be damaged any worse than it already was. I just lifted so many pounds of clothes that wont be used at all, and I didn't complaining about anything... I was lucky I could lift that stuff. Every time she calls me that... it just proves that the one I love thinks of me as a child. Yet I will outlive her... by hundreds of years!
That's why I don't complain about not being as close to them as they are to each other. If I get close... too close... the pain I'll feel when they die will be too much to take. I'll only have Twilight. I almost wish they'd be able to live as long as me too, but that'd be horrible. Watching their families die... and they will have to live with that pain for thousands of years. That'd be horrible. I would never wish that on ANYPONY!
This is why I'm so confused. What do I want? What should I want? I am asking for so much more... and yet I ask for so little. I don't know what I want. I don't want to get too close to my friends just to watch them die... but I do want to get closer... to be appreciated. Why, Twilight, WHY! Why did YOU have to hatch me. I could've been around friends that would all live as long as me! I could've lived a happy life with my own kind. And I tried to do that, but thanks to me being with PONIES, I couldn't be anything like my kind. I couldn't be mean, I couldn't eat a phoenix egg, because I wasn't RAISED that way.
I want to see my mom and dad... I wonder how they look. I wonder if they ever worried about my egg that was stolen by Celestia...
Celestia....
Her... she brought my egg... she uses me as her mail pony... every day. Every. FUCKING. Day. That hurts. It scratches my throat. Ponies from the future... do you know that feeling that it like a cat scratched your throat? Imagine that ten times worse. And when Discord was messing up Twilight and her friends... all of those letters... I wanted to scream in agony... but I couldn't. It was so much that by the time she was done sending letters, I coughed up some blood. So much blood I thought I was dying. I would've told Twilight... but she was gone and I couldn't talk for at least an hour. Celestia can... Well, I actually can't get too angry at her. I'm the reason Twilight got her cutie mark. If she wasn't using her magic on me, the Sonic Rainboom wouldn't have had any affect on her. I'm the reason she met her friends, became an alicorn, and why she's the mare she is today. If Celestia hadn't gotten me, her magic burst probably wouldn't have happened. Or Celestia wouldn't notice until the situation was over and the ponies watching her kicked her out. Because I'm pretty sure she came in because there was a huge dragon in her palace. She tried to cover that stuff with 'I sensed the power'. I mean, come on! There is powerful magic all across Equestria happening all the time. I think she could mostly sense dark magic and unusual magic. Powerful magic isn't unusual unless it powerful dark magic.
But it doesn't matter how much Celestia abuses me either, because she makes Twilight happy so I'm... I don't know actually. My emotions are just... so mixed up? What am I? I know I'm not happy. I can't quite say I'm satisfied. I... guess I am thankful. Despite all that I go through, I am thankful for what I've got. I mean come on! I'm not that uncared for! I still have food, a warm home, and a magnificent education.
But, although I do have all of those things, I lack one thing that would make a big difference in my life: Love. I have a little love from Twilight, I guess, and I hope the other girls love me at least a little bit. And Rarity... I could only hope she'd love me. But I know that'd never happen. I wouldn't allow it, and she wont feel it anyways.
I feel so... greedy. Greedy for more attention. I probably do get enough attention. There are probably a lot of ponies with absolutely no attention, and I get a little and want more. I'm not saying that I don't need more, but at least I have some. i should be happy with what I've got, and I know that, but I can't help but feel this way. I'm just a confused dragon in a land I don't belong in. I'm lost. Can't handle this much longer. All of the confusion, the pain, the memories, the sadness, the abuse, the... lack of love. I just... I don't know any more. I don't know what to do, what to feel, how to handle this. It hurts that I don't have the knowledge that I need to figure this out. Maybe I am worthless. Maybe I am just a confused baby dragon.
I almost died today. But that's not uncommon. I almost died in the Sombra incident, the changeling invasion, Discord's escape, and today, I almost died from being smothered by Twilight as she hugged me in happiness. After cleaning up the mess from Tirek, Pinkie had thrown a big party. But I wasn't happy. The library was gone. I had something special under my bed too. I nearly cried my heart out to find it gone. A ring. I had carefully crafted it with bits and diamonds. I melted a bit, shaped it into a ring, let it cool, found the perfect sized diamond and attached it. I even put a few more smaller diamonds to make it look prettier. I had made is for the special somepony I'd never have, and I cherished it. and now... it's probably gone. With the rest of my memories and belongings. Every item I loved and cherished that was in that library was gone. I was devastated. I tried to tell Twilight but she was too busy partying with her friends.
I tried to talk to Rarity at the celebration, but all she did was baby talk. My heart broke a little more every time I hear a Y used at the end of a word or a W replacing the letters R or L. I was basically an outcast at the party. I felt so down. Even Discord got a lot of positive attention. He was break-dancing and wiggling around, making everypony laugh. He looked over at me a few times, I noticed. When he did he looked a bit worried. I was wondering why though. Maybe he knew something was up? I don't know, maybe he's just trying to freak me out or something.
Twilight had the nerve to ask me if I had fun at the party. So, she hadn't even looked for me at all. I wanted to scream no. I wanted to tell her that I felt horrible at the party, like I didn't fit in, like every other day in my life. I wanted to storm out of the big, ugly, bulky piece of shit crystal tree that should only belong in the Crystal Empire! At least Celestia and Cadence's castled blend in with their cities (Empire in Cadence's case). Twilight's castle sticks out like a sore hoof in Ponyville. And it's a fucking TREE! It's like the box just wanted me to feel miserable. Like it's just taunting me!
When I went to sleep after the party (I was bored, nothing else to do) Luna visited my dream. She tried to get me to talk, but I wouldn't do it. Although, I can tell she cares for me. She probably could've forced me to reveal what I thought in my dream. But she didn't force the knowledge out. She even told me something at the end but I don't understand it. She said that A world of silence is not understood. Only when noise is made, it can be noticed. I have no idea what that could mean. or what it has to do with me. I hate riddles like this.
Twilight had me be her slave again. With her being a princess, she has to do paperwork. Guess who actually does it? Me! I always have to do this every day, and it's just getting worse and worse. I have a claw cramp, yet I'm still writing this. But I'm used to it. Twilight makes me keep writing when I have a claw cramp. She doesn't even bother to ask whether I need a break or not. And when I try to speak to her, I'm always ignored, or she tells me to shush because she's trying to do her work. I try to speak, but I am ignored, shut out, uncared for. Nopony bothers to even ask about me..
Princess Celestia is sending more scrolls than before, and my voice is starting to sound a bit croaky. I can't yell if I ever need help, and it hurts to even talk in a normal tone. Clearing my throat feels like it's being stabbed, and I think I'm losing my voice. Not like anypony else notices.
I... I just don't know what to do. My life is just so complicated. I try to understand things that I feel, but it's impossible. I really feel like this cannot be fixed. Like life just really, really hates me or something. Like I will never accomplish anything in life. I want to be someone. I want to be know. I want to be heard! I want a life! Why can't I have that? Why can't I understand my feelings? Why can't I understand myself? Why can't any of my life ever MAKE SENSE!
I'm just a jumble. A mess. A nopony. A thing. An empty space. A swirl of untamed emotions. A nothing. Just worthless. And I've come to accept that. But that doesn't mean I like it. That doesn't mean I'm okay with how my life is going. I'm just so dizzy with confusion, anger, hate, sadness, frustration, want, need, MORE! I can feel myself shacking as I write. I-I need help I... I don't.. what? I... I don't understand! I don't know! Why, why, WHY? I want a normal life. I want love. I want nothing. I want something. Anything... no love. Or do I really want love. How could I ever know I'm just scribblinginabooki'mcryinglostijustdont know off task stressedoverwhelmed... I cant cry Twilight will hear and... I just... don't ... KNOW! Everythings so mixerupconfusindit's like i'm trapped without noplacein life and i try to do betterto improve, to be someone, but I have no place anywhereI don't belong here I JUST *Stab* *Stab* *Stab* I can't tame it.. no. No... no NOnonono I just cant do this. I have to rid myself of this confusion, this pain this... ARGH! I'm soo frustrated and I can't even handle myself. This is hell. This is hell! THIS IS FUCKING HELL!
*Small rip*
Look at me. Smashing my words up together uncontrollably. I can't even write correctly. Shows how 'grown' I am. Tears all over the page. Broken quills. Spilled ink. I can't even write down my thoughts without it FAILING! I can't do anything. And that's why I get nothing. I probably just don't deserve it. *Blood splat* Oh god I'm bleeding again. Probably from attempting to scream in rage with my throat in a bad condition. There's tears, blood and scrapes all over this page. I'm surprised it's still legible. I'm losing control of myself. I't so agonizing to know... nothing. It's wearing me down. I feel so... dead. I feel dead. And I just want it to end. I want it gone. I want...
I will now have an eternal vacation. A vacation from all the fuckery I've gone through. So I will leave a farewell note to all of my friends who let me the fuck down!
To Twilight,
You hatched me, you raised me, and you stayed with me all of my life. I just wanted to say...
Thank you.
You ignored me, you abused me, you made me your slave... but I could see in your eyes that you loved me. You probably didn't mean for this to happen. But it did, and I have to end it. I love you Twilight. Know that forever. Don't do the dumb shit I'm about to do. My death may not matter, but yours will. You are Equestria's main defense. Always stay with your friends and keep the harmony working. Don't want millions of lives ruined. This can't be fixed... my pain would only last forever until I died naturally, and you don't want that to happen do you? I hope not. Goodbye Twilight Sparkle. I will always love you as a brother.
To Rainbow Dash
We weren't really that close at all, so I can't say much except I hope your career as a Wonderbolt soars. I hope that you keep being awesome, and I hope you won't be really sad when I'm gone. I'll miss seeing your tricks. Especially your sonic rainboom. Keep being you, a loyal friend.
To Fluttershy
You've shown me kindness ever since I've known you. You don't really notice me much, but you care. And I love you. You were the only one I can't complain about. Please, don't cry too much when I'm gone. Don't be too sad. I don't like it when you cry. You, along with the other girls mean a lot to me.I hope your life continues to be better than mines.
To Applejack
You were always honest, hard working, and hitting me over the head when I said something wrong by mistake. I believe you didn't mean it as anything harsh. But you have no idea how many headaches you've caused. If only you knew the struggles I've dealt with. I bet you'd pity me. I don't want pity, I want love. But I hope you and your family stays strong and earns all the bits you need. Good luck with your life.
To Pinkie Pie
I hope you aren't too sad to hear that most of the smiles I showed to you were fake. If you even noticed them. I'm still glad you put up the effort to make all of your friends happy. It just didn't work for me. I hope Sugarcube Corner stays just how it is: A nice place with high quality sweets.
To Rarity
I love you more than I could ever say. You mean the world to me, and I woul give up the world to be with you forever. But I know that it'll never be like that. You think of me as a child, though I am 20 years old. I am mature Rarity. And also, I know you take advantage of me, using my emotions for your own good. You used me like a puppet, my love giving you the power to pull my strings. I hope that you find the perfect stallion in life. I bet he'd be better than me. I mean, to you, I'm just a kid, right? I love you with all my hear Rarity. Now it's time to say goodbye.
I will be in the Everfree Forest if you want to bury me or have a funeral or something I guess. I'll be in peace when I die, and that's the important thing. I love you... all of you. Don't ever forget that. Don't try to stop me either, Twilight! I know how you are. Today's not the day to be a big fucking hero. Just forget about me. I hope you all... live a happy life now I must go...
I tried to end it today. Itriedtoen d it today but goddamnitI can't even do that!I am so uselessIcan't even stop being a burden. my my hands re shaky and Ichan't think straight! Dicord stopped me (From doing it) and I had to face (Them). I didn't want to see them. And fuck I'm getting tear stains on the paper. Oh Faust I'm fucking up bad. I can't write correctly at all. I can't control this fucking claw... it's just so shaky!
Anyways... I want to... Why... (Indecipherable)
I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I just gave Twilight and everypony else a heart attack with that move I made. The mental stress that Twilight's probably going through... man oh man! She's probably beating herself up and... She doesn't deserve this pain. Nopony does. I just... I wish that I could've seen this coming earlier. I should've known I would've backed out. I should've known everything would fuck up.I should've known. But I was too dumb to realize it. I was to blind to see this coming when it was right there in plain sight. It just proves how idiotic I am. OH MY FAUST I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS SHIT! WHY THE FUCK DO I GO THOUGH THIS? WHY DID YOU PICK ME, FAUST? WHY!
Shit, and now I'm complaining. That's probably another reason why nopony cared about me. I was probably annoying as fuck with all of my whining. Faust, what am I, a mare? I must be. I wear a fucking frilly pink apron with a heart on it. I still remember when Rarity made me feel like a fool that day when she saw me in that apron. That was embarrassing. I felt so pathetic that day.
And Discord... who the fuck do he even think he is. He said he understands my problem. I felt like smacking him. He understands nothing! Being alone, maybe, with how he acted. Having your only friends, mom/sister/boss and everypony else treat you like you're a baby and like dirt? Being abused and kicked around because of your uselessness and small size? Wishing you could have a purpose and wishing you'd die? He understood NOTHING! Oh, if I could've kicked him in the balls right then...
I sound crazy, like I'm mental. Like I need to go to a mental hospital. I mean, just look at the sorry crap I'm writing. Complaining, complaining about my complaining... however the hell that works, and cursing every few sentences. You'd think a dragon like me wouldn't have such... colourful language in my entries. Besides, I'm a baby dragon, right? It's unusual for me, a dragon that's lived twenty years to be very familiar with such language, right? I totally should stay in the foal zone, right? That's what everypony else seems to think.
I'm confused. So confused. I have no idea what's going on. I really love Twilight and the girls, yet I hate them and want to leave them forever. I would do anything for them, yet I could care less about them. What am I feeling? What could I possibly do to learn these feelings. Twilight would tell me to read a book. I am reading one, and it's filled with painful memories of my past.
I feel like I don't belong, yet I am trapped here. Alone in this world filled with happy-go-lucky ponies who live a wonderful life in a world full of dark magic, demons, and monstrous beasts. Now that I think about it, this world is like a book. Why can't books be different then life anyways. Why can't a book be simpler, with most of the problems being an every day thing. Slice of life would be more interesting that a book like Daring Do, I have only seen about ten books that are just a regular life of a pony that has problems besides over dramatic things. Those are my favourites. Not saying that there aren't way more out there, but the ones you ever hear about is action, drama, romance, adventure and stuff. Either that, or books that Twilight reads that are informative. But here I am, getting off topic, talking about my favourite books and stuff. Still, I feel good talking about something else.
Like how there was a true story about this pony getting killed by a manticore. Ponies were all sad about the book and stuff in the reviews with somepony getting killed by a manticore. But he really loved those manticores. He always went out every year and walked amongst them, and I guess he was like Fluttershy, but instead of them being nice, they just ignored him. He still loved the manticores after they did gruesome things like kill a rival manticore's kid or something. I bet he forgave the manticore that killed him too. They interviewed ponies about this popular book and almost everypony said that they couldn't understand why he'd want to be with manticores like that and that maybe he believed he wanted to be a manticore, or not be himself. Escape his normal life. But I think it's because the manticores never made him feel bad. They were just being manticores... themselves. They left the pony alone, didn't kick him around and all of that. And, although they mostly ignored him, he probably didn't feel so alone with them. They knew he was there, and he knew that they knew.
Imagine the same thing, but instead the whole thing is twisted. Like my friends don't know I'm there, yet they still bother me. Like I feel so alone, even when they notice me. Like they've been attacking me this whole time and just now, when I do something drastic, they want to stop. And the worst part is that I lived in the end. How backwards is that?
I know what you 'future ponies'... if that really happens... are thinking. I am whining and complaining too much. Well I deserve the fucking right to do that crap anyways! Life has gave me nothing. But. Shit. So I'll take this glorious time to complain your ears off!... Or eyes in this case. Whatever.
You know... I'm wondering right now... do I still want to be with Rarity? I know it's random and a surprise but now... do I seriously want to be with a mare who will never treat me right. I know a proper gentlestallion treats his mare right but... not saying Rarity really is one but... what if she's a total bitch to her stallion? What if, if I go with her... what if I never get the love I always wanted from her. I'll be her knight, the one who treats her right but... will she be my mare who loves me for who I am? She hasn't shown she's cared that much already, so why should I trust her to care for me as a lover. Should I even attempt to be her coltfriend? Should I even try to go on a simple date. All of this time I've been looking at how beautiful she is with her gorgeously curled, shiny purple mane. Her soft marshmallow white coat and long eyelashes that make her so lovely. So irresistible. But is she really that beautiful? Is her wonderful slender body all a mask to cover up what's really inside of her? I don't think I'll find out. I don't think I'll even ask her anyway. I'll just go on with whatever life gives me. Pain.
I want to talk to Fluttershy. I think that with a little effort, we could become good friends. We aren't really close enough to be called friends yet, I don't think. Matter of fact, the only pony that I feel that I am a friend to- somewhat- is Twilight. I haven't really gotten close to the others that much. I bet the only things the other girls know about me is that I'm a 'baby' dragon that was raised by Twilight in Canterlot. They don't know me at all. Not even Twilight. They're too blind to see what is right in front of them until it blows up in their face. What a shame. A fucking SHAME!
And then there's Discord. I was mad at him a minute ago, but now that I've calmed down and really thought about it, I can believe that he probably understands my situation. That's probably how he turned evil in the first place. I mean, it makes sense right? What'd you think I was going to say? I'm not one of those teen fillies that cry and say "I'm the only one who goes through this. Nopony else understands what I go through every day!" No, I actually have common sense. I know that other ponies go through what I go through. That doesn't mean I want it to happen though.
I wonder how I'll get through this. Will this be solved with friendship like every other problem? Or will it all fail. Only time will tell. I guess I'll see soon. It's not like I care. Anything else that happens now doesn't really matter that much any more. Especially if something bad happens and friendship fails and I'm in pain. It won't be a surprise at all. The only thing that'll surprise me is if I get through this and I'm happy in the end. Not holding my breath though.
Apologies. So many apologies. They were thrown at me like bricks to a window, and it was painful. I didn't want their apologies, I wanted to die. But deep down I feel like I'm lying when I say that... but I don't know why. Isn't that why I was about to jump anyways? Because I wanted to say 'fuck off' to everypony and die... maybe burn in hell while I'm at it. I figured hell is better than this place. So why am I still writing in this journal? Well, I'm confused, and I don't feel like trying to understand this right now, so fuck that for now.
Back to the apologies... it wasn't what they said that hurt. Or how their faces showed lots of sadness. It was their voices. Their voices gave me a feeling that I'd never thought I'd feel. I felt cared for. Loved. And it hurt so bad. I'm confused though... isn't this what I wanted? To have attention, to be loved... and cared for? Why does it hurt so much then? How come every time I think about it, my heart grows heavy? Why, dammit? I probably won't figure it out any time soon.
Twilight Sparkle... my mom... sister... boss... I don't know what she is to me. A lot of times, we act as siblings, but she hatched me, so she's more like my mom... I guess? Anyways, she's not so good right now. Actually, she's been in her bed crying for the entire day. I still feel like a monster after what I told her. I probably won't ever forgive myself for telling her that I wish she never hatched me. She ran upstairs and puked. She was either disgusted with me or herself, and I'm sure we can agree that she was disgusted with herself. I really wanted to hug her and tell her that everything will be alright, but... I don't even know if it'll be alright. Why would I make Twilight believe something that I'm not even sure of? I'm not even in control with my feelings. Control. Something that I have a paper-thin strand of and can tear at any moment. The right push or the right tweak, and there goes all of my control. Gone. Then I might have to be thrown into an asylum or something until I grow to be too big to handle and get sent off far from Equestria. Nah, I'll probably die before that or something. Probably gonna be that nutcase that flung himself off a cliff while laughing the entire time. Yeah... I think I'll try to keep my sanity, I mean, I probably will already be known as crazy for jumping in the first place. I don't want to die more pathetically than how I was going to do earlier. I know suicide is pathetic and the coward's way out of a problem but I'm seen as pathetic anyways, so I'll do whatever the hell I want to do.
Rainbow Dash scared me when she apologised. For one, she actually cried. Also, after her rather long and emotional apology, she whispered 'Not again' when she walked away, and I could only figure that somepony she really cared about tried to kill themselves too. They probably succeeded, or went crazy. Or maybe they're not the same anymore. Whichever one it is, as wrong and mean as it sounds, I don't really care right now. I don't need to worry about another pony's problems. I'm already struggling with mines right now. Anyways, she promised she'd pay more attention to me, and that she'd never make the same mistakes again. Automatically, I doubted it. I don't know why I did but I just...
Moving on. Pinkie Pie... while not as creepy as Dash... was still pretty creepy. While Dash was creepy because she was like a entirely different pony and her eyes seemed... lifeless... Pinkie was creepy because she was... quiet. All she said was 'I'm sorry. I should've made you smile more' and went to sulk in the dark corner of the room. She had also gotten a shade darker somehow... but that's Pinkie being Pinkie... I guess. Actually, although our situations aren't the same, I'm sure she and I could relate to each other. I know you're probably confused, so I'll enlighten you. Pinkie Pie is misunderstood all the time and ponies don't take her seriously. Also, they shrug off anything they don't understand as Pinkie being Pinkie, and don't try to understand it or talk to her about it... like I just did. Wow... just noticed what I did. Anyways, like I was saying, Pinkie Pie must feel like everypony thinks she's crazy or stupid. She probably needs somepony to talk to... I'd be happy to be that pony! Er... dragon! Having somepony that can understand how you feel must be good. She's probably having as many emotional issues as me. But I'm probably wrong. Since when am I ever right anyways?
Applejack... her apology was quite short. But that was because of her honesty. Instead of telling her whole life story with an apology, she just said that she was sorry and was wrong for what she did and that she wouldn't treat me wrongly anymore. That's it. Bam. And then she sat down on a cushion and was being stubborn, refusing to cry. Trying to be strong I guess. Meh.
Fluttershy... was a wreck. She was crying and squeezing me, saying she was sorry over and over again, begging me to forgive her. She just kept going and going until I pushed her away from me. I broke the poor mare's heart. She was crying so much, I was surprised she had any tears left in her.
Rarity... oh Rarity. She blamed herself and said she was selfish, a horrible friend, a horrible pony, blah blah blah, on and on. She was 'So sorry!' and that she did 'The. Worst. Possible. Thing!'. She was nonstop words, nonstop apologies, and nonstop... lies. 'Oh Spikey-Wikey, I'll never treat you horribly again. I promise!' Number one, don't make promises you can't keep. Something will turn up. It's just life. Two, treating me like a baby feels like you're treating me horribly, so it would help if she just stopped calling me 'Spikey Wikey'. It annoys the shit out of me. 'Oh I care so much about you!' Then show it Rarity! Show it. 'I'll never do it again' 'I will be a good friend to you' 'you'll never have to worry-'
And that's when I told her to fuck off. 'You'll never have to worry...' I have no idea what she was gonna say after that. But it doesn't change the fact that I was through with all of the lies that streamed through her mouth. She can go fuck herself. When she walked away, she turned around for a second and whispered 'I love you, Spike'. I glared an her and almost yelled at her, but then stopped and looked down and flipped the bird at her. Anypony who knew anything about Minotaurs knew what that was, and she cried even harder after seeing that. It took me nearly dying for her to say it. . And what if I'd done it? And most importantly, what if she's lying? If she really loved me, would she me her slave like that? She wants to take advantage of me, treat me wrong, break my heart... twice! With two stallions who weren't right for her!... and say she loves me? I don't trust that. At all. I won't have my heart broken any more just because of her.
But... I know that I still love her, deep inside. I just didn't want to deal with her bullshit at that moment. I know that I'll end up giving her another chance. It'll take a lot of work to get everything back to normal, but I'm willing to do it. I probably wont end up in a relationship with Rarity any time soon or anything. Probably never. But we'll have to work really hard on the friendship thing.
What? Okay futuristic ponies, if you're confused, then I'll explain. I know it's confusing that I am just hammering Rarity, yet I say that I still love her. Well, that's because... I've loved her for a long time, and just because she's done so many wrong things doesn't mean that love will go away. It also doesn't mean I appreciate all the fucked up shit she has done to me. So there.
Back to the other girls... I still care a lot about them. I want Fluttershy to be able to get over this, and Rainbow Dash to not go through whatever trauma she had before again, Applejack to be able to express her feelings, Pinkie Pie to cheer up and be understood, and Twilight to stop beating herself up. I just hope that it can happen. But since when do things ever go my way? With how my luck is, things will probably be fucked up from now on.
---
Hello Diary, me again. I couldn't sleep, I'm pretty sure you know why, and I decided to write in this diary to pass the time. I really...
Hi Diary... wow. I had gotten interrupted by the most unexpected pony, Discord. We had a long talk. Really long.
We talked about how he was in my situation before. I wont bore you with a long description of how it went. He basically said that he was the last of his kind and was adopted by a unicorn couple. He was always ignored, abused, and nopony loved him. He tried his best to get along with ponies, but all they did was call him a monster and beat him up. He'd been made fun of, ignored, and beat up for 100 years, until he seeked power to get revenge. He wasn't supposed to even have much magic, but still searched. So after five years of searching, he was ready to give up, and he was that age where he was about to die, until he found the Alicorn Amulet. Although dark magic wasn't discovered yet at that time (3,500 years ago) He still ended up using it because of his stored up anger, and when the fusion of the dark magic and the magic from the Amulet mixed, it became chaos. So he made the ponies suffer for a thousand years, then he became stone, 500 years later came Nightmare Moon and... and I did exactly what I said I wasn't going to do. The important part was that he wasn't kidding when he said he understood what I was going through. Heck, he went through worse than me. Also, that guy's insane!
So after we parted ways, I went back to the room Twilight and I share, and... fuck, Twilight was creepy! With my candle stick glowing, I was able to see Twilight's face. Her eyes were so red, and her face had no emotion showing. Her tears were dried onto her fur, and her mane was a mess. And those eyes. They just stared forward, not blinking, empty. They showed no sign of life in them and they seemed dim. At that time, I didn't care that I wasn't sure for myself whether everything would be okay or not. I jumped on the bed and hugged her tight, promising that everything would be okay. We stayed like that for a long time, her crying, and me hugging her, telling her words that promised a better future.
Well, I finally got her to sleep a few minutes ago, and I'm tired. Maybe I can get some sleep... I'm not sure. But I'll try. See ya later diary!
Did you know that dragons go through puberty overnight? I know it's a weird thing to talk about, but that was the highlight of the day so I'll talk about it. You see, I had awoken to Twilight writhing under my weight. I'd grown 4 1/2 feet taller and gained at least 190 pounds. Twilight then remembered that she could use magic, and teleported from under me. Ten she flew around me, looking at my new form, and taking measurements and all of that Twilighty stuff. So then she said that she'd fix breakfast that morning, and now I remember why I willingly cook. She burned the oatmeal, the toast, and the orange juice... How do you BURN orange juice?! So after throwing away the ashes, I fixed a proper breakfast and we were happy. I'm glad she didn't bring up what happened yesterday, because I really didn't want to hear about it.
She invited her friends to celebrate. It was cool to not have to think about what happened yesterday and be able to just have fun for once. We all had some good fun and is was just cool like that. But of course, there was some serious things I had to note. Like what was up with the sick thoughts going through my head today? I was thinking of each of these mares that I was supposed to be angry at in... suggestive ways. Not Twilight of course because... ew. No. Never. EVER. I would rather kill myself than to... Celestia dammit! Anyways, stupid puberty came with stupid thoughts. Gosh, I'm still thinking about how well AJ would handle a rope and hoping Rainbow dash wasn't the world's 'fastest' pegasus and how long Pinkie would last with all of that energy... BUT MOVING ON! I shouldn't be thinking these things. Why puberty? Why? It's disturbing. And disgusting. It's like as soon as I hit a growth spurt and my body starts developing, the thoughts do stuff on their own too. I'm sure ponies don't have to deal with this. Lucky little... abominations. Or abominations to dragons at least. I'm sure if I were living with the rest of my kind then my thoughts would drift onto the female dragons there. Dragons are weird. Why couldn't I have been born as something normal... or cool, like a minotaur? Sure dragons are cool. They breath fire, they can fly, and they are big with scales tough enough to stand lava. That's it. Ponies can use spells that do the same things and they have access to a lot more abilities and have better agility and speed. Dragons size slows them down and being huge isn't always that great. For example, if you have prey, there's so many tiny spaces for it to hide. And it's hard being silent when you're that huge, so no way you're sneaking up on anything. I'm pretty sure it sucks to be huge. Now that I hopefully have made you forget what happened earlier, how about I tell you how cool I look?
Muscles. I love them. I have way more muscle than before. Hell yeah! And of course, I'm taller too. Tall as those mythical beings that they call humans. I'm five feet and ten inches tall. I tower above everypony. And I have wings too! They are thin, bet pretty strong. It'd be hard to rip those babies! The spikes that run from my tail to my head are bigger and have a... sharper look to them. My fangs are bigger and the rest of my teeth have gotten sharper too, unlike before when they were normal like a pony's. I have sharper claws that can probably rip through metal. Gotta be careful with those things. I had gotten irritated today because of... something Twilight did. I don't even remember, because I was distracted as a trail of black smoke exited my nose. I guess when I feel a negative emotion... even if it's only irritation, I start to exhale black clouds of smoke. I think I'm going to have to avoid those six mares because they know how to bring up a lot of negative emotions in me. Oh well.
I'm too big for my basket so I have to sleep in the guest bed. It's a little bit too small, but it beats the floor I guess. It's been a good day for me, and that's awesome. I haven't had a good day in so long. I know tomorrow will be filled with painful memories and sadness, but at least I had a day to take a break. Who knows, maybe being big will help me through all of this. Maybe I will get the attention that I've wanted for so long. But... if I want it so bad, why do I feel like I'm being greedy and selfish?
- A confused, but mostly happy Spike
P.S, I hope the girls don't get into my diary. I'll just cross off what I said earlier just in case.
I was right. Once all the excitement wore off, it was hell on Equis once more. Me having a big moment was just a distraction, something to make us forget our problems for a little moment. A little break from all of the pain and sadness. A moment to not think about our problems. Everypony got sad again. I could tell, although they tried not to show it. Today sucked plot.
Who knew ponies could be huge assholes? They called me a suicidal animalistic beast. It wasn't a big surprise how word got out that I attempted to commit suicide. Applejack told Granny Smith and Big Macintosh what happened, Applebloom overheard what she was saying and she managed to make it spread like a wildfire. The poor filly got grounded for a month. I really didn't even mind that she did that. Foals are foals. They spread stuff. But everypony felt bad for me... until they saw me. They ran away as soon as they got a glimpse. They think that since I I look different that I am different. All I have to say is...
No... no I don't want help. I DON'T NEED HELP! Fuck Twlight. Fuck her pills. Fuck the doctors who tried to force me into some insane asylum. Fuck Celestia who said it might help. Fuck everypony. Fuck life. Fuck everything! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUCK! I'm getting tired of everypony Celestia dammit! Fuck this body of mine, I couldn't even kill myself whether attempted suicide or not. When I noticed that my scales were way stronger than usual, I tested them with a knife. In other words, I tried to stab a hole in my arm. Not even a scratch. I tried and tried again. There was no pain. Nothing. And it scared me. I'm fucking terrified. There's no escape. No way to go. I'm trapped, forced to live for thousands of years alone. Dragons are fucking crazy. I seriously heard that dragons have a bit of natural magic, and they can survive in extreme situations. If I decide to starve myself? Well, fuck, I have over 600 years to live without food. Want to drown myself. Well, if I try to drink and inhale water until I die... let's say that it all goes straight to my massive stomach and I can hold my breath for some years. If I don't end up just sitting in the water for years and years, I'll just drink up the entire body of water I'm in. Unless it's an ocean. But I'd still have to wait a long time. Oh, and since I was magically born, I have more of a chance of surviving in harsh conditions than any normal dragon. Fuck me. I'm literally death proof. Dragons were meant to live a long time. Damn you nature!
Anyways, Twilight saw me and freaked out, and immediately said I needed help. Next thing I know I'm getting doctors, sobbing ponies, and anti-depressants shoved in my face. Twilight says she doesn't think I'm crazy. Fucking liar. She was just saying that to get me into that stupid hospital. It's only for 48 days, she said. I only want you to get better, she said. I love you, she said. Fuck that bullshit. That's what they tell every mentally sick pony. She's treating me like a fucking psychopath! I do think that's she's trying to help, but it's still bullshit. I understand that if you see a suicidal pony or dragon and you see them attempting suicide for a second time, then your brain automatically jumps to that conclusion. But maybe if she fully understood my situation, then she'd know how to help me. Just love me and build our broken friendship back up. That's all she had to do. And after all that happened, I would've thought she would've seen it. But she's too blind to see. No book can help this stuff. She needs to put them fucking books down and act from the heart. She's always trying to find the logic of everything. Fuck logic. Don't try to act the logical way. Don't choose your words logically. Just do what's right, dammit! She claims to understand friendship. She's even the princess of it. But she doesn't know about love. She may love her friends, but she is misunderstanding her love for them. She thinks love can be described in words or even in your actions. Love is just there. Love isn't the words you say or the actions you do. It's the feeling of it that makes you say or do what you do. And the feeling isn't butterflies or a tightened feeling in your chest. No, love has never been truly been described. But you know when it's there. And I love Twilight, I really do. I feel it. But she just doesn't understand. Now our bond is broken and we can't fix it until she understands how she feels, how I feel and the situation.
Also, I heard that Celestia is defending me from the nobles in Canterlot. They want me to go with the other dragons and live like that for the rest of my life, outside of Equestria, so ponies won't be harmed. That's... pretty dumb. If I was so dangerous, then Ponyville would be in flames, royal guards would be dead, and Celestia would force me out of Equestria. Everything would be so fucked up. Just like my life is.
My life.
If... if I have to suffer through this then why should everypony live such a happy life. It seems like every pony I see, they're always happy. And if they're not, they always get a happy ending. They don't stay miserable. A Celestia damned mule got better luck than me and he was a loner who probably just wanted to get laid. And thanks to Pinkie Pie, the lucky fucker got it. All of these fucking happy ass fucking ponies are... I can't even finish that thought. I can not describe how pathetic I feel every time I see a big fucking smile that says 'I don't give a shit about anything'! The god of chaos himself has better luck with happiness and friendship than me! Luna wanted too kill everypony by starving and freezing us to death with an eternal night and she's fucking happy! Why the fuck do I always have to wear a fake ass smile on my face every day and these ponies have it so easy? Just...
Wait no, that's not right. There are several things wrong with that.
1. I hate the fact that I was born... why celebrate it.
2. Even if I wanted to celebrate it, I can't. I can't just forget everything happened like that. Especially after I yelled to Twilight that I wish she hadn't hatched me.
3. I get nothing. Why? Because they think I'll go into rampage. I can still get stuff, sheesh. I'm a teenager, and I've learned how to stop myself after the first time. But no, let's play it safe, and let me be even more miserable. Fuck.
4. Nopony's happy.
5. Pinkie Pie is depressed. Depressed Pinkie is a bad Pinkie and she'd depress everypony even more. Depressing parties suck.
6. Nopony told me happy birthday. Their either scared they'll hurt my feelings or don't think it's the right time. More depression. Yay.
7. Well, I didn't do or eat anything special today. It's just a normal day. I'm not important so the day I was born doesn't mean shit either. It's like trying to celebrate nothing.
8. If today didn't exist, everypony would be happy without me.
9.Everypony hates me right now for being different. So why would I only want to be surrounded by ponies that are scared and distrustful and six mares I have a big conflict with?
10. This is the very opposite of a 'happy' birthday.
And that's why today sucks. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go rot in the corner in the room.
Anyways on my walk I went into a dark alley. I saw a little filly. She had a purple mane, orange fur, and a scooter that was a light blue. Then soon I noticed the filly was Scootaloo! So I went over to Scootaloo, and I didn't know what to say. So I told her hi, and she just ran away. I followed her cause I knew my size wasn't why she was scared. She scooted away, wings flapping hard, teeth bared. She was hiding something, and it was serious. She went so fast, and her face... sompony would think she was delirious! I followed her and soon she stopped, and I asked her why. She sat there, sniffled, and started to cry. I know when I say this, I'll sound insane. But what I did next helped the filly with dirt in her mane.
She told me the story, of how she was disowned and alone. By her parents whose anger was always shown. I walked her home, even after she begged me to go back. So she wouldn't have to be beaten because of the flight she lacked. I torn down the door and exhaled angry black smoke. I showed those no good fuckers that Spike the dragon was no fucking joke. I beat them, so they could see how they liked it. I destroyed the stallion's flank, I wanted to pike it. But that was too far, so I just scratched his side. The mare was so scared, she ran to go hide. But I was the dragon who didn't play that shit. And let me tell you, she got more than ten strong hits. I told them not to fuck with Scootaloo again. Or else I will come back, and the true pain will begin. I told them I was stalking them, to put the cherry on top. And with that Scootaloo's pain has come to a stop.
I decided something that very day. I would let out some frustration in a new way. No I won't mope or be evil. I will be the best dragon in Ponyville. All that deserve pain shall shall get it. I'm bored anyways so I wont regret it.
I managed to scare all of Ponyville trying to help ponies and kick the asses of the ponies that deserved their asses kicked. Scootaloo was the only pony I actually helped. Well, shit, this is what I get for attempting to be helpful.
FUCK!
Just....
I....
FUCKKKK!
I don't even ficking know any more. I don't know what the fuck I was trying to do. DId I seriously think that bull fucking shit was was going to wor? Really did I? DAMINTTT FUCKIT ALL TO HEELLLL!!!
I tor my fucking paper... great. Just MOTHR FUCKInG GREAT. BULL SHIT!!?!
I don't need sanity any more. t's not my friend. I don't have and friends....
I HATER FRIEND!S!!! I can't eve see wright . I it.................................................. Earlier........ I went ininto Applejacks.... red big thingy and got some hard cidyer out and. I drunk a lot it only got me tipsy but I still can't really think straight or see that.... good..... FUCK !
I keep getting angry....
I just keep doing it.
And I can't stop. It makes me sad. I know this ssstuid cidre is gon help but shen it's gone what am I gonna do? Dirink more and become a alcocohic? Oh fuck the tears in my wyes I can't see shit and mny claws r shaky. I'm gonna go throw up. Bye diary.........
Spike is gone. There is no Spike. He has vanished, been dismissed, dead. And what's left of him is trying to cope with the loss. The pain. The pills. The headaches. The nightmares. The voices. Voices. Twilight cries when I tell her about the voices. Why is she so sad? The voices are so nice. But she tells me to ignore them. I know ponies think this is crazy, so I try to ignore them. But they're the only ones who are ever nice to me. That's all I've wanted. Somepony to treat me like a real friend. Twilight says the voices are bad and that they are deceiving me. But if they are I don't mind. Because I really need something nice even though it will be painful when it's gone. I needed a break. Can't I just get that. Twilight begs me to come back to her. But I don't know if I'm ready to face reality. I know I'm going insane... I am aware of that. But I love this feeling more than what I used to feel. I am free. I am no longer a caged animal, beating along the metal, begging for freedom, bleeding from all of the impacts on the hard metal. I have escaped and I can breathe in new air and live a happy life. But I know I'll have to go back one day. Twilight says she can't live without me. I don't want her to die. But I've never felt so free and alive in my life.
Alive
Living,
Happy
I never thought these words would ever play a role in my life. I'm dying out there, but in here with my friends that want me to be happy. I can really smile. I had forgotten how if felt to smile for real. I had never known how wonderful it was to laugh. I'm having the time of my life. Because I am no longer in the dull lifeless abomination called life. I live in a happier place where dreams do come true.
And every night I used to dream of being able to laugh and smile with friends.
The dreams would even feel fake, because I didn't know how to be happy and smile.
She got rid of my friends. She told them they had to leave. But I didn't want them to. She made me take them away. Then she takes me to this scary world that's so dull. Whenever I tell her the voices are gone, she looks a little relived. Why is she so mean to my friends? They never hurt anypony. She says they're hurting me. But they're so nice. I love it when they come back to me. Sometimes I lie to her and tell her that they're not there, but Twilight knows better and she still makes them go away. I feel so cold and alone when they're gone. Why do they have to leave?
I miss my friends. They let me talk to them about my problems. And they're funny and playful too! One time we played a game. It was tag. I don't know how we managed to do it, but we were playing and it was fun until I was locked into Twilight's basement. I asked her why, and she said I was hurting ponies. How did I hurt ponies? I asked her that and she cried and walked away. What did she mean? Who was I hurting? I asked the voices and they made a horrid scene play in my head..
I ran around Ponyville, roaring and swiping my claws at ponies. I managed to bend a brown stallion's hoof in an unnatural way and leave a huge claw mark on a yellow mare. While running, I was knocking several market stands into ponies and I made a few holes in the walls of some buildings. But the one thing that scared me the most was that I was laughing light-heartedly, breathing fire into the air. Then Twilight came, sobbing, and forced me to go into the basement. She then put a strong barrier spell around it. The scene got blurry, and I was back in the basement.
The voices told me that she was crazy too, and thought that what I just saw happened. Is... is my insanity rubbing off on her? I am worried, because now I have to choose between my happiness and Twilight's suffering.
Ponyville... they don't like that I'm a big dragon. They... they want me gone. And they hate all of us because I'm here. They are all going to kill us. They've all got together, scheming. I know. The voices told me. They told me to attack. To protect us all...
Twilight has fallen into their trap. She doesn't believe they want us dead. She thinks that they mean us no harm. But I know better. And if Ponyville wants to betray us, I will fight them back.
Tomorrow, I will escape this basement, and I will unleash my anger on them. No longer will I hold back. I will destroy them all. Their houses will burn in green flames, they will all run away from me in fear. And nothing will ever stop me.
Not Celestia.
Not the elements of harmony.
Not even Twilight.
I won't let it happen. I never will. Because although they hurt me and turned me into the miserable dragon I am today...
