This Fifth Entry
Fuck the date.
I tried to end it today. Itriedtoen d it today but goddamnitI can't even do that!I am so uselessIcan't even stop being a burden. my my hands re shaky and Ichan't think straight! Dicord stopped me (From doing it) and I had to face (Them). I didn't want to see them. And fuck I'm getting tear stains on the paper. Oh Faust I'm fucking up bad. I can't write correctly at all. I can't control this fucking claw... it's just so shaky!
Anyways...I want to...Why...(Indecipherable)
I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I just gave Twilight and everypony else a heart attack with that move I made. The mental stress that Twilight's probably going through... man oh man! She's probably beating herself up and... She doesn't deserve this pain. Nopony does. I just... I wish that I could've seen this coming earlier. I should've known I would've backed out. I should've known everything would fuck up.I should've known. But I was too dumb to realize it. I was to blind to see this coming when it was right there in plain sight. It just proves how idiotic I am. OH MY FAUST I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS SHIT! WHY THE FUCK DO I GO THOUGH THIS? WHY DID YOU PICK ME, FAUST? WHY!
Shit, and now I'm complaining. That's probably another reason why nopony cared about me. I was probably annoying as fuck with all of my whining. Faust, what am I, a mare? I must be. I wear a fucking frilly pink apron with a heart on it. I still remember when Rarity made me feel like a fool that day when she saw me in that apron. That was embarrassing. I felt so pathetic that day.
And Discord... who the fuck do he even think he is. He said he understands my problem. I felt like smacking him. He understands nothing! Being alone, maybe, with how he acted. Having your only friends, mom/sister/boss and everypony else treat you like you're a baby and like dirt? Being abused and kicked around because of your uselessness and small size? Wishing you could have a purpose and wishing you'd die? He understood NOTHING! Oh, if I could've kicked him in the balls right then...
I sound crazy, like I'm mental. Like I need to go to a mental hospital. I mean, just look at the sorry crap I'm writing. Complaining, complaining about my complaining... however the hell that works, and cursing every few sentences. You'd think a dragon like me wouldn't have such... colourful language in my entries. Besides, I'm a baby dragon, right? It's unusual for me, a dragon that's lived twenty years to be very familiar with such language, right? I totally should stay in the foal zone, right? That's what everypony else seems to think.
I'm confused. So confused. I have no idea what's going on. I really love Twilight and the girls, yet I hate them and want to leave them forever. I would do anything for them, yet I could care less about them. What am I feeling? What could I possibly do to learn these feelings. Twilight would tell me to read a book. I am reading one, and it's filled with painful memories of my past.
I feel like I don't belong, yet I am trapped here. Alone in this world filled with happy-go-lucky ponies who live a wonderful life in a world full of dark magic, demons, and monstrous beasts. Now that I think about it, this world is like a book. Why can't books be different then life anyways. Why can't a book be simpler, with most of the problems being an every day thing. Slice of life would be more interesting that a book like Daring Do, I have only seen about ten books that are just a regular life of a pony that has problems besides over dramatic things. Those are my favourites. Not saying that there aren't way more out there, but the ones you ever hear about is action, drama, romance, adventure and stuff. Either that, or books that Twilight reads that are informative. But here I am, getting off topic, talking about my favourite books and stuff. Still, I feel good talking about something else.
Like how there was a true story about this pony getting killed by a manticore. Ponies were all sad about the book and stuff in the reviews with somepony getting killed by a manticore. But he really loved those manticores. He always went out every year and walked amongst them, and I guess he was like Fluttershy, but instead of them being nice, they just ignored him. He still loved the manticores after they did gruesome things like kill a rival manticore's kid or something. I bet he forgave the manticore that killed him too. They interviewed ponies about this popular book and almost everypony said that they couldn't understand why he'd want to be with manticores like that and that maybe he believed he wanted to be a manticore, or not be himself. Escape his normal life. But I think it's because the manticores never made him feel bad. They were just being manticores... themselves. They left the pony alone, didn't kick him around and all of that. And, although they mostly ignored him, he probably didn't feel so alone with them. They knew he was there, and he knew that they knew.
Imagine the same thing, but instead the whole thing is twisted. Like my friends don't know I'm there, yet they still bother me. Like I feel so alone, even when they notice me. Like they've been attacking me this whole time and just now, when I do something drastic, they want to stop. And the worst part is that I lived in the end. How backwards is that?
I know what you 'future ponies'... if that really happens... are thinking. I am whining and complaining too much. Well I deserve the fucking right to do that crap anyways! Life has gave me nothing. But. Shit. So I'll take this glorious time to complain your ears off!... Or eyes in this case. Whatever.
You know... I'm wondering right now... do I still want to be with Rarity? I know it's random and a surprise but now... do I seriously want to be with a mare who will never treat me right. I know a proper gentlestallion treats his mare right but... not saying Rarity really is one but... what if she's a total bitch to her stallion? What if, if I go with her... what if I never get the love I always wanted from her. I'll be her knight, the one who treats her right but... will she be my mare who loves me for who I am? She hasn't shown she's cared that much already, so why should I trust her to care for me as a lover. Should I even attempt to be her coltfriend? Should I even try to go on a simple date. All of this time I've been looking at how beautiful she is with her gorgeously curled, shiny purple mane. Her soft marshmallow white coat and long eyelashes that make her so lovely. So irresistible. But is she really that beautiful? Is her wonderful slender body all a mask to cover up what's really inside of her? I don't think I'll find out. I don't think I'll even ask her anyway. I'll just go on with whatever life gives me. Pain.
I want to talk to Fluttershy. I think that with a little effort, we could become good friends. We aren't really close enough to be called friends yet, I don't think. Matter of fact, the only pony that I feel that I am a friend to- somewhat- is Twilight. I haven't really gotten close to the others that much. I bet the only things the other girls know about me is that I'm a 'baby' dragon that was raised by Twilight in Canterlot. They don't know me at all. Not even Twilight. They're too blind to see what is right in front of them until it blows up in their face. What a shame. A fucking SHAME!
And then there's Discord. I was mad at him a minute ago, but now that I've calmed down and really thought about it, I can believe that he probably understands my situation. That's probably how he turned evil in the first place. I mean, it makes sense right? What'd you think I was going to say? I'm not one of those teen fillies that cry and say "I'm the only one who goes through this. Nopony else understands what I go through every day!" No, I actually have common sense. I know that other ponies go through what I go through. That doesn't mean I want it to happen though.
I wonder how I'll get through this. Will this be solved with friendship like every other problem? Or will it all fail. Only time will tell. I guess I'll see soon. It's not like I care. Anything else that happens now doesn't really matter that much any more. Especially if something bad happens and friendship fails and I'm in pain. It won't be a surprise at all. The only thing that'll surprise me is if I get through this and I'm happy in the end. Not holding my breath though.
... Spike
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Sorry guys, it's not my best chapter, but I'm really tired. I already shouldn't be up and awake at this time. I hope you could somehow enjoy this. If you didn't understand or like some things in this, I understand. I hope I can do better in future stories! Goodnight!
>That Grizzly Man reference
Now I've seen everything.
4625517 So you noticed?
4625517 4625524
Great chapter! Just read all five in a row. Should've guessed that Discord would stop him, considering that he had seemingly appeared concerned a chapter or two back. Love reading it though.
At this rate I'll start calling Spike 'Shinji Ikari'.
The angst they both feel 24/7.
The first part of the story needs editing, unless it is supposed to be spelt wrong and clustered up
4625679 Yup! It's supposed to be because his claw is shaking and he's crying, so he didn't write it very well. Understand now?
4625551 Thank! I had thought that my chapter wasn't that god since I worked on is from 1 AM to 5 Am, but I guess you guys like it. Even with the random The Grizzly Man reference. I don't even know why I did that! My brain is... not exactly functioning right at that time
. I thought that the reference would totally take away the seriousness of the story though. But I guess I was wrong.
I'm glad you liked it. Thank you so much for the support!
4625940 yeap, i originally thought it was a Gdoc import problem
4626080 Oh crap, of course! How did I miss that? I'll get it soon!
For some reason, the sense I get from Spike here is "pathetic" rather than "sympathetic". Still, I do pity him.
That's not completely unreasonable. If he's actually suffering from depression, something needs to change, beit a change of scenery or medication (depending on what the source is). In any case, the girls really don't deserve all the crap he heaps on them.
4626093
Spike figures if they can screw up his life like that, he can heap as much crap as he wants on them.
Another great chapter. This looks like a case of extreme depression. Twilight and the others hopefully find someway to make him feel better before he either leaves or tries to kill himself again.
4626158 Thank you so much! And also, we'll see. It's only a matter of time before my horrible brain does something terrible to Spike again!
4626139
Well, yeah. Of course he thinks that. He wouldn't do it if he thought they didn't deserve it. Or he'd beat himself up even more than he does now, at any rate.
Run away little Spike, find your happiness
o boy I wonder what they will do to him? shower him with gifts and saying sorry? pinkie pie parties to express they mean it with hugs and cuddles with{force confrontation interrogation} group therapy? there going to kiddy him on accident again I bet.
Hope everything goes well for Spike, but he needs to be careful otherwise he'll build a wall around him preventing him from receiving help and when that happens....well...
Bum bum BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
he needs to get laid and chill the fuck out. its way over the top even for the age of the character, teen crisis its not that bad
Amazing chapter as always, I can't wait for the next one, this fic is just so good :D
4628598 Thank you!
Even though it was late when you wrote this it doesn't matter because Spike's mental state is shaky and his thoughts, your thoughts are mixed up. I hope next chapter the plot is moved along again with something happening. Maybe everyone trying to connect better with Spike, each ending in failure.
4629999 That... that makes sense! Yeah, that's... great! Thank you! And also... I'll consider the idea. Hopefully it will give me some inspiration!
Screw you, I thought that there were going to be one or two more chapters of Spike realizing something and being happy, but you made it horribly sad. I love this story, you and it deserves more mustaches than I can fit in the text limit.
4633566 Heh
thanks...
>> The Great Derpsby
In any case, the girls really don't deserve all the crap he heaps on them.
I wouldn't be so sure, the show makes it seem all happy and friendly but I would certainly 'NOT' want to be spike. Little guy gets tossed around, forgotten, used as the butt of many a joke, usually for no reason. He also tends to be the one that, for some reason, has to cause all the trouble even if he didn't mean to. Plus none of the girls ever really stop to really get to know spike. After twilight made all her friends in ponyville, Spike really did just become an assistant to her. He apparently doesn't even have that good of an education if all the time he's been alive still leaves him guessing the meanings of rather simple words and, let's not forget, not understanding that the only thing an owl can say is 'who'. Several times. While his real age is likely not in the 20's, it's at least pretty close to 18 I would wager. Unless we count several years as having passed in the show, but if so they haven't shown any parties for Spike, which would make his birthday less memorable than Gummie's. Gummie's birthday was worth a scene and Spike's wasn't, if it was even there. And yet he works for twilight day in and day out, has his work messed up a lot, he should basically be crippled by now. And he has worked to clean up twilight's messes for basically his entire life with no pay or anything more than a roof over his head. Meaning he stops working, he has no more home. And, like I said, it looks like at the cost of some level of education especially when thinking back to his failure to perform basic tasks in 'spike at your service'. You would think he'd have more common sense, but it's likely a lot less pretty than just comic relief. Little guy is basically enslaved in that library and nobody seems to really care. He's probably conditioned like that, not knowing much else than a library. He doesn't even see the...wrongness in being used as a pincushion for his 'crush' just because it's not painful. Whether it's really not or he's just ignoring/used to it it's messed up when it's seriously not hard to find a number of alternatives. I could probably go on but the reason I enjoy this story so much is because it is willing to basically say 'this stuff is kind of abusive'. The girls aren't evil, certainly not, but I just think spike has always been too special of a case and Twilight too socially inept for any of them to see anything wrong. For all we know Twilight could get drunk and beat him off screen after a celebration without remembering any of it and he's just too scarred/afraid to say anything. Or at least that's a fun little thought. Would explain why he never seems to be angry after someone causes his trouble. Yet to let himself be so torn by not being a part of Twilight's life like when Owloiscious first came would either counter what I'm saying or mean something like a mental problem. Stockholm's, anyone?
Character analysis/over-analysis is fun.
Edit: Actually, I forgot. He did have a birthday in one episode, it ended with him falling to a sense of horrific greed that is not only inherent in dragons, which is common knowledge in any mythology and in this case clear as day for a dragon's habits which shows how little they take some kind of protocol to giving a dragon free stuff, but also seems to heavily imply that he really just gets so little normally that getting a bit of a good thing goes way too far. Even if you're greedy, how fast do you go from 'birthday = gifts' to 'birthday = everything I want'? To me, that translates less to natural tendencies and more to a lonely child devising a plan to take over the world. Maybe a bit extreme in that case, but he got pretty damn far in a short amount of time. It's fair to assume that he doesn't really 'get' a lot very often.
4635045 That's exactly what I was thinking as I made this story. I think you read my mind... about nine weeks ago.
I'm glad you like it. Also, it should be another chapter up soon.
4635045
You make some good points. I could contest some of them, but they're still fairly good.
However, let's not forget the following: He wished death on Rainbow Dash for the audacity of calling his life easy. That's really too far, nevermind that it makes him look guilty of the same thing he's angry at her for.
4636014 Well, he didn't quite mean it like that. You know how... how people are sometimes when they're pissed sometimes? Say for example if Somebody beat the crap outta me so I grumble 'I'm gonna kill that bitch'. You don't really want them to die... you're just really pissed. If they were to really die, you'd probably start feeling bad, cause you didn't really mean what you said. That's basically how he was at that time.
4636014
What Mr Author (Name too long to remember) there said, but my take on it is a bit more literal and appeals to a sense of pity for spike. He is depressed, in this story, we know that for certain (and honestly I'm still waiting for his breakdown episode). And I still hold that the only reason he's still with Twilight is some sick form of illness. It would only make sense that being in as much mental stress as he is would lead him to insatiable levels of anger. Sure it's probably an empty threat, I mean he came closer to killing himself than her. I know I have, or at least had, a lot of crap to deal with personally and if anyone ever told me 'I' was lucky, I'd have more than a few reasons to be pissed at them. And in spike's case he can't say anything back to Rainbow for one reason or another, putting another bet out on his being unwilling to admit anything but it's likely he'd just be accused of being spoiled. Which is worse. So while it might've been a little strong it's only expected when someone as privileged and ambitious as Rainbow Dash tells poor little spike that he's lucky. Personally I get the least sense of empathy from Rainbow Dash to any of Spike's inconveniences. Taking into account that it hurts to use his magic flames, which kinda makes sense because they're not natural like his actual flames, remember when Rainbow and Pinkie caused Spike to hiccup green flame? That had to hurt, and they had such a laugh.
4636103
Although I'm actually kinda sure that Applejack is sort of like a friend to him, considering he saved her life once. Unless she's completely forgotten her dues which might be plausible of a working pony. Still, it'd be likely that she of all ponies would be the one to treat spike with a little more respect. I don't know if you plan on pairings or anything but I think Applejack would reasonably find herself worrying over Spike's attempted suicide probably close to as much as, say, Twilight. I can see his entries detailing the mane six trying to 'make it up to him'. That would be interesting, although I'm skeptical about Rarity. She 'is' one for style and looks, so she'd arguably be confused on how to treat him if she actually didn't like him like he did, but I wouldn't blame spike for abandoning his crush on her anyways. Look at me, it's like I'm trying to write this story! Forgive me, I just enjoy how you've been doing so far.
4637180 It's funny that you bring up Applejack of all ponies. I say that because not only has she mostly ignored Spike in season 4, but she also glared at him and kicked him in the head for saying something that upset Twilight. If you think of him as such a baby, why would you get mad at him for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time when most children tend to do so? But that could make something intering for my story as Applejack could realize what she did wrong and feel awful about it. As for Rarity... she could notice how wrong she was. She gives Spike hardly anything when he gives her everything. He gave her a red ruby that he carved forbmonths, helped her whenever she needed him to, and gave her all his love and even sat there supporting her when she obsessed over Trender Hoof. She even said 'You don't know how it feels to be obsessed over somepony to find that they're obsessed over somepony else.'... Spike should've been very, very angry when she said that. But anyways, you gave me a great idea for the next chapter! Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed the story!
4637886
You know those are good points as well. Especially with Rarity, I mean she knows Spike has a crush on him and almost alluded to returning some of those feelings when Spike became a full dragon, and yet she basically took his feelings and trampled all over them with her obvious bad habit of swooning over the next 'hunk' on the market. Yet part of me still thinks she'd be the kind to defend herself and not 'really' be that hurt over what happens because she honestly uses Spike and seems to always ask for his help first before she even thinks of giving him something. I mean in Rarity takes Manehattan she hands out gems, clothes, talks to complete strangers and stops to fix a cab out of her generous nature and yet she's been given so much by spike himself. Like you pointed out, that includes carrying ridiculous amounts of bags, and even Twilight had a look of understanding Rarity's misuse of her 'admirer' in RTM. Definitely not healthy. But, yeah, can't wait to see your next chapter!
4638516 And when she does seem to try and be nice to Spike in RTM, the writers just had to make everything go sour when a BIRD of ALL ANIMALS decides to steal his carrot dog. That sucks.
4638541
I heard it best off derpibooru once; Being Spike is suffering...
Yikes, when are the girls and Twilight's friends going to apologise for crying out loud? I mean, REALLY... Don't they think this has gone on long enough? I really hope there's some hope coming up and some light at the end of the tunnel here....
JEEZ! This is friggin' dark, man! I mean, it's really good, amazing even, but my God is it depressing. The only thing that kinda threw me so far though was this latest chapter. It almost seems as if he's writing it immediately after the fact, in which case, how the hell does he even have the opportunity? I mean, I don't know much about how to treat an attempted suicide (thank God), but I'm pretty sure the last thing you do is leave them to their own devices, especially with something sharp like a writing utensil. I think this should have been set a few days later, in a hospital or something.
Regardless, this story is amazing, and I am eagerly awaiting the next chapter.
4690893 Well this is Equestria, they probably dont have any idea how to treat something like this. Also Spike is using a quill, so even if he tried he wouldnt be able to do himself that much damage
4637886
Might I recomend, How he truly feels by the wonderful N7_Spartan117. Since you think spike shoulda been angry. Fun fact: I helped edit it.
phew, he lived. good to know. Also glad he's considering becoming close with Fluttershy. hopefully she changes things for him.
Oh and what you thought of Rarity, Spike, its true.
Edit: I also like Discord in this fic
How I wish he'd said this afterward: