//------------------------------// // This Sixth Entry // Story: The Diary of Spike the Dragon // by Wrangle Wolfe //------------------------------// Apologies. So many apologies. They were thrown at me like bricks to a window, and it was painful. I didn't want their apologies, I wanted to die. But deep down I feel like I'm lying when I say that... but I don't know why. Isn't that why I was about to jump anyways? Because I wanted to say 'fuck off' to everypony and die... maybe burn in hell while I'm at it. I figured hell is better than this place. So why am I still writing in this journal? Well, I'm confused, and I don't feel like trying to understand this right now, so fuck that for now. Back to the apologies... it wasn't what they said that hurt. Or how their faces showed lots of sadness. It was their voices. Their voices gave me a feeling that I'd never thought I'd feel. I felt cared for. Loved. And it hurt so bad. I'm confused though... isn't this what I wanted? To have attention, to be loved... and cared for? Why does it hurt so much then? How come every time I think about it, my heart grows heavy? Why, dammit? I probably won't figure it out any time soon. Twilight Sparkle... my mom... sister... boss... I don't know what she is to me. A lot of times, we act as siblings, but she hatched me, so she's more like my mom... I guess? Anyways, she's not so good right now. Actually, she's been in her bed crying for the entire day. I still feel like a monster after what I told her. I probably won't ever forgive myself for telling her that I wish she never hatched me. She ran upstairs and puked. She was either disgusted with me or herself, and I'm sure we can agree that she was disgusted with herself. I really wanted to hug her and tell her that everything will be alright, but... I don't even know if it'll be alright. Why would I make Twilight believe something that I'm not even sure of? I'm not even in control with my feelings. Control. Something that I have a paper-thin strand of and can tear at any moment. The right push or the right tweak, and there goes all of my control. Gone. Then I might have to be thrown into an asylum or something until I grow to be too big to handle and get sent off far from Equestria. Nah, I'll probably die before that or something. Probably gonna be that nutcase that flung himself off a cliff while laughing the entire time. Yeah... I think I'll try to keep my sanity, I mean, I probably will already be known as crazy for jumping in the first place. I don't want to die more pathetically than how I was going to do earlier. I know suicide is pathetic and the coward's way out of a problem but I'm seen as pathetic anyways, so I'll do whatever the hell I want to do. Rainbow Dash scared me when she apologised. For one, she actually cried. Also, after her rather long and emotional apology, she whispered 'Not again' when she walked away, and I could only figure that somepony she really cared about tried to kill themselves too. They probably succeeded, or went crazy. Or maybe they're not the same anymore. Whichever one it is, as wrong and mean as it sounds, I don't really care right now. I don't need to worry about another pony's problems. I'm already struggling with mines right now. Anyways, she promised she'd pay more attention to me, and that she'd never make the same mistakes again. Automatically, I doubted it. I don't know why I did but I just... Moving on. Pinkie Pie... while not as creepy as Dash... was still pretty creepy. While Dash was creepy because she was like a entirely different pony and her eyes seemed... lifeless... Pinkie was creepy because she was... quiet. All she said was 'I'm sorry. I should've made you smile more' and went to sulk in the dark corner of the room. She had also gotten a shade darker somehow... but that's Pinkie being Pinkie... I guess. Actually, although our situations aren't the same, I'm sure she and I could relate to each other. I know you're probably confused, so I'll enlighten you. Pinkie Pie is misunderstood all the time and ponies don't take her seriously. Also, they shrug off anything they don't understand as Pinkie being Pinkie, and don't try to understand it or talk to her about it... like I just did. Wow... just noticed what I did. Anyways, like I was saying, Pinkie Pie must feel like everypony thinks she's crazy or stupid. She probably needs somepony to talk to... I'd be happy to be that pony! Er... dragon! Having somepony that can understand how you feel must be good. She's probably having as many emotional issues as me. But I'm probably wrong. Since when am I ever right anyways? Applejack... her apology was quite short. But that was because of her honesty. Instead of telling her whole life story with an apology, she just said that she was sorry and was wrong for what she did and that she wouldn't treat me wrongly anymore. That's it. Bam. And then she sat down on a cushion and was being stubborn, refusing to cry. Trying to be strong I guess. Meh. Fluttershy... was a wreck. She was crying and squeezing me, saying she was sorry over and over again, begging me to forgive her. She just kept going and going until I pushed her away from me. I broke the poor mare's heart. She was crying so much, I was surprised she had any tears left in her. Rarity... oh Rarity. She blamed herself and said she was selfish, a horrible friend, a horrible pony, blah blah blah, on and on. She was 'So sorry!' and that she did 'The. Worst. Possible. Thing!'. She was nonstop words, nonstop apologies, and nonstop... lies. 'Oh Spikey-Wikey, I'll never treat you horribly again. I promise!' Number one, don't make promises you can't keep. Something will turn up. It's just life. Two, treating me like a baby feels like you're treating me horribly, so it would help if she just stopped calling me 'Spikey Wikey'. It annoys the shit out of me. 'Oh I care so much about you!' Then show it Rarity! Show it. 'I'll never do it again' 'I will be a good friend to you' 'you'll never have to worry-' And that's when I told her to fuck off. 'You'll never have to worry...' I have no idea what she was gonna say after that. But it doesn't change the fact that I was through with all of the lies that streamed through her mouth. She can go fuck herself. When she walked away, she turned around for a second and whispered 'I love you, Spike'. I glared an her and almost yelled at her, but then stopped and looked down and flipped the bird at her. Anypony who knew anything about Minotaurs knew what that was, and she cried even harder after seeing that. It took me nearly dying for her to say it. . And what if I'd done it? And most importantly, what if she's lying? If she really loved me, would she me her slave like that? She wants to take advantage of me, treat me wrong, break my heart... twice! With two stallions who weren't right for her!... and say she loves me? I don't trust that. At all. I won't have my heart broken any more just because of her. But... I know that I still love her, deep inside. I just didn't want to deal with her bullshit at that moment. I know that I'll end up giving her another chance. It'll take a lot of work to get everything back to normal, but I'm willing to do it. I probably wont end up in a relationship with Rarity any time soon or anything. Probably never. But we'll have to work really hard on the friendship thing. What? Okay futuristic ponies, if you're confused, then I'll explain. I know it's confusing that I am just hammering Rarity, yet I say that I still love her. Well, that's because... I've loved her for a long time, and just because she's done so many wrong things doesn't mean that love will go away. It also doesn't mean I appreciate all the fucked up shit she has done to me. So there. Back to the other girls... I still care a lot about them. I want Fluttershy to be able to get over this, and Rainbow Dash to not go through whatever trauma she had before again, Applejack to be able to express her feelings, Pinkie Pie to cheer up and be understood, and Twilight to stop beating herself up. I just hope that it can happen. But since when do things ever go my way? With how my luck is, things will probably be fucked up from now on. --- Hello Diary, me again. I couldn't sleep, I'm pretty sure you know why, and I decided to write in this diary to pass the time. I really... Hi Diary... wow. I had gotten interrupted by the most unexpected pony, Discord. We had a long talk. Really long. We talked about how he was in my situation before. I wont bore you with a long description of how it went. He basically said that he was the last of his kind and was adopted by a unicorn couple. He was always ignored, abused, and nopony loved him. He tried his best to get along with ponies, but all they did was call him a monster and beat him up. He'd been made fun of, ignored, and beat up for 100 years, until he seeked power to get revenge. He wasn't supposed to even have much magic, but still searched. So after five years of searching, he was ready to give up, and he was that age where he was about to die, until he found the Alicorn Amulet. Although dark magic wasn't discovered yet at that time (3,500 years ago) He still ended up using it because of his stored up anger, and when the fusion of the dark magic and the magic from the Amulet mixed, it became chaos. So he made the ponies suffer for a thousand years, then he became stone, 500 years later came Nightmare Moon and... and I did exactly what I said I wasn't going to do. The important part was that he wasn't kidding when he said he understood what I was going through. Heck, he went through worse than me. Also, that guy's insane! So after we parted ways, I went back to the room Twilight and I share, and... fuck, Twilight was creepy! With my candle stick glowing, I was able to see Twilight's face. Her eyes were so red, and her face had no emotion showing. Her tears were dried onto her fur, and her mane was a mess. And those eyes. They just stared forward, not blinking, empty. They showed no sign of life in them and they seemed dim. At that time, I didn't care that I wasn't sure for myself whether everything would be okay or not. I jumped on the bed and hugged her tight, promising that everything would be okay. We stayed like that for a long time, her crying, and me hugging her, telling her words that promised a better future. Well, I finally got her to sleep a few minutes ago, and I'm tired. Maybe I can get some sleep... I'm not sure. But I'll try. See ya later diary! - A confused Spike