• Member Since 7th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Yesterday

MiiaTheLamia


Now, I definitively think I have too much shit Favorited (Post Bookshelf Patch) Previous Aliases: AwesomeCabbage9000

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Follow the tale of Michael, a shape shifter on an Earth ruled by Humans and Equestrians.

Michael is a lonely man, with abilities that defy all that you know about physics. Will he find someone to call family? Will he ever get over the war?

Find out!

Rated Teen for mild swearing and violence.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 16 )

sounds Mary Sue-ish......

Hmmm have you been playing prototype???????

Holy shit! That is all.

Stay frosty!
~Hazard~

391825 Nope, but I can see why you said that, he kinda consumes the dude.

392333 okie dokie lokie jest wonderin


PINKIE IS NOT FAVORITE PONY

This story...

I like it!

A few spelling and grammatical errors, but overall, not bad for a first start.

SRC

I approve of this fanfiction. :eeyup:

SRC

Wonderfully written. :moustache:

*Steel looks over at the door to his house, placing a hand on his chin and idly tapping his cheek.*

...Isn't anyone coming?

*Every second drifting past feels like a small nail being driven into Steel's brain, juuuust a bit every hit, enough to feel it, but not enough to kill him.*

C'mon...!

*Suddenly, a knock on the door! Someone came!*

Finally. Come in!

*Nothing answers his call. Steel raises an eyebrow, walking over to the door.*

Orrrr wait for me to bring you in...fine.

*He opens the door, spotting a familiar buttercup-colored pegasus.*

Figured it'd be you, Fluttershy.

:fluttershysad: "Um...hi, Steel...I came to read with you..."

Surprising how you beat everyone else here...usually you're the last to arrive. Well, seat's waiting for you.

*Steel stands to the side and gestures to a simple looking pillow next to his chair at the computer, Fluttershy taking the invitation and stepping inside.*

:fluttershysad: "If you don't mind me asking...why don't you...um...have any windows?"

Problem I had when building the house in the first place. Windows never occurred to me since my house didn't have a roof when it went up...Twilight helped with completing it, but now I either just leave the door open, or use my computer to light the room. Does give some nice ambience though.

:fluttershyouch: "Y-You aren't...worried about the dark...?"

Dark is just that, lack of light. It's not like an Eldritch horror is going to drag itself out of the black and attack me.

*Steel smirks as he walks over and takes his seat, walking passed a paralyzed Fluttershy. Her eyes dart around the room.*

Fluttershy, there won't be an Eldritch horror interrupting us today. Didn't I say something about getting stronger?

:fluttershyouch: "W-Well..."
:fluttershysad: "It's just scary..."

It's only your imagination getting the better of you. As soon as we start reading, you'll forget everything else.

:fluttershyouch: "Ok..."

*Steel sits down in his chair, watching Fluttershy quietly come over and take a seat in her cushion. He furrows his brow at her in thought, and she returns the stare.*

:fluttershysad: "W-What? Is s-something wrong? Is there a monster behind me?!"

No, no, nothing like that...I'm just wondering how you can walk around so quietly. Rainbow is a Pegasus like you, and she stomps around like a rhino.

:fluttershysad: "It's a...um...trick I learned...back in school..."

Ahhh...say no more. I'm aware of at least some of that...not a road I'm able to walk just yet without hurting you.

:fluttershysad: "How so...?"

Well, your time at school was...well, a bad time. I don't want to force you to walk down that road again, just to fill in the details for me. I'll wait for a proper day to ask you, whether it be a year or a decade from now. For the moment, we've a story to read!

:yay: "Well...lead on...!"

Will do! Diving in!

Chapter 1 is done. Any thoughts, Fluttershy?

:fluttershysad: "Well...let's see...I like how such a depressed person was able to find happiness...and that Twilight was able to do the same; she spends too much time in the library...I sometimes worry about how lonely she is."

She has Spike, doesn't she?

:fluttershysad: "True, but he's only a baby, and babies have needs...I'm not saying having Spike around is bad, he's resourceful, and quick, and witty...but she wouldn't be able to find the same happiness with him as with a...friend..."

She has you lot as well, but I get what you're saying. Any other thoughts on the story?

:fluttershysad: "Even though I don't like the fighting...I think the scenes felt...really, really short..."

I was figuring the same. Each one seemed to come up, then vanish in moments. There's no competition; the muggers can't fight back since Mike's already all over them. The main character definitely does feel Mary Sue-ish, simply due to all the power. He's typically depressed over his own power, typically saved by Twilight who typically falls in love with him, and she's typically saved in a typically lightning quick manner.

:fluttershyouch: "That's...kind of mean..."

Sadly, you sometimes have to be mean in order to get the truth out. A lot of this story feels...typical. There's no development where there needs to be, even though they're simply memories. You'd think Mike would remember what he and Twilight did together before they fell in love, what interests they had, what times they had with each other, what fun things they did. So much is missing from this story!

:fluttershysad: "What the story does have...is good though, right...?"

Well yeah. The writing feels solid, despite some grammar and spelling mistakes, and the dialogue seems natural. The pacing is out-of-this-world FAST, but I can live with it, I suppose. Any closing thoughts before we go on?

:fluttershyouch: "Micheal was called to war...wasn't he?"

Yeah.

:fluttershbad: "I hope he comes home...!"

He will.

Chapter 2 is done! And...well, seems I have some good and some bad to say. Fluttershy?

:fluttershysad: "Ok...um..."
:fluttershyouch: "Please don't get mad at me for this..."
:fluttershysad: "The story felt...bland. I never cared much for fighting, but...well..."
:fluttershyouch: "I think you should do this, Steel...I'm not too good..."

As you wish. Ahem, to put it bluntly, the imagery wasn't imagery. There wasn't enough information to paint a clear picture. The language used was bland and never really inspired much of a reaction. I didn't feel overtly happy with Dwayne's death, I didn't feel impressed by Matt's sacrifice, and Scarlet's death rolled off my shoulders like so much dust...wow, I feel really mean saying that. Anyway, ahem...

What you need to do is read over this story again, take apart EVERY SINGLE SCENE, and re-construct it. Lengthen every scene, use more imagery, more language. Create more of an emotional attachment to the characters. The deaths had absolutely no effect on me because the characters were never explained; they felt like bland NPCs in a video game and nothing more. There was no story, no personality, it felt like you were just grabbing characters to kill them off later.

What I suggest is for you to read your own story, and see if you feel any kind of emotional impact. This story is short enough to effectively re-write without much trouble, unlike my Silent Ponyville story which, at this point, is longer than I could ever manage to properly re-write. Not to say I won't attempt it...but yeah.

Read through the story, and focus on the story, and on what you're telling people. You're making mistakes that I made when I started writing, the most glaring being the 'show, don't tell' error. What you need to do is picture each of these scenes as Mike. What is he thinking? What are his opinions on the environments and characters? Instead of telling the reader what is in the scene, have the characters speak to the reader through their thoughts. You can reveal much more about a character simply through how they interpret an environment, or their first impressions of another character; a humorous character like Scarlet would likely make a bad quip about how the pony/person talking to him has a 'country drawl that sounds like a landslide in the mountains'; Mike would likely interpret situations in his typically depressed way, pessimism pervading his thoughts, while Brother added his own.

Do this, and I think you could both stretch out your story, and make the chapters much more revealing. As for pacing, this war scenario really should be in Chapter 6, not 2. There is a TON of stuff you skipped out on that could make this story better; how did Twilight first speak with Mike? How did they fall in love? Was their marriage quiet, just friends and family coming, or was it a public spectacle with thousands of visitors? What were their dates like, and what do they talk about? And that's just what you could cover on the relationship! There's so much stuff you could do with this story!

*Steel takes a deep breath, letting it out in a slow sigh. He turns to Fluttershy with a smile as she claps.*

:yay: "That was great...!"

Thank you very much, Miss Fluttershy.

*Steel makes a short bow to her.*

Anyway, those are my thoughts on the story. Bottom line; read your story and see if you can feel the impact. If you don't feel anything when a character dies, then you're writing your story incorrectly. Every death should have some form of impact, from the joyous fall of a villain to the melancholy defeat of the hero. At this rate, if Mike ever falls in the story, I'm afraid I'm not going to feel a thing, when what I really want to feel is heartbreak. Anyway, good luck on your story writing!

1134420

*Nods head vigorously* That. Thanks for the critic. I was desperate for one. I have to admit that yes, this is could be much, much more. I'll keep what you said into consideration, and expand this.
To be honest, I always had the feeling that the characters where bland (and quite so). That may be a result of me being better at knowing what to do, instead of HOW to do it. (As a consequence, behold my gigantic writer's block that has been going for months.)
You can say that twice.
*shrugs* If there's home for improvement (and there is), I'll use it.

Again thanks for the critic.

(And again, your comments amuse me to no end.)

1134457

I always aim to entertain as well as teach. I find that thinking about the story constantly helps solve writer's block; if you're constantly producing new scenes in your head, then the connections between them become easy enough to create.

Always think of something entertaining, something that grabs your attention, and play that scene again and again until you're absolutely certain of every single twitch, every single gust of wind and every single tumbleweed. Then, you write.

If you ever need more critique or tips, don't be afraid to ask me!

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