"Gather 'round, my friends, and I'll tell ye a tale."
(One-Shot) The sun rises on the day of the wedding between Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria and Captain Flash Sentry of the Crystal Empire. Things are progressing smoothly, but as we all know, if something can go wrong, it will. When the ceremonies are interrupted and an accusation is made, what will become of what started out as a picture-perfect marriage?
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cannot tell if this is just an outright flash hate story or not................ shrugs.
he is gonnna find it more difficult to start a rebellion than he thinks. poor bastard is doomed.
4412633
Ha, yes. We'll certainly see about that.
4412716 largely benign diarchy with a general love for the princesses, who show more often than not a desire to itneract with their ponies directly and as equals..........
there will be those who benefit less, there will. those who seek to change things. but they would be of a far smaller number than in typical societies.
4412789 I've provided for that.
Heya Mel. I haven't read the story yet, but I saw something and thought I'd tell you this little tip:
Don't delete comments.
Sounds crazy, right? Not really. It makes you look bad, and believe me I know; I've done it before. People are entitled to their opinion, whatever it may be. That's why I personally, unless it is an outright hateful comment, prefer not to delete comments, no matter how negative it may seem.
Hope that helps.
Okay, critique time, now that I've read the story.
To be honest...it wasn't that bad. At the same time, it wasn't that good.
The idea itself is interesting: Flash being shown as some traitorous bastard on his big day. The thing is, there are a couple things here with this iteration that may not have done the story too much good. You see, for a dramatic plot idea like this, there needs to be a longer story, more backstory, perhaps some dramatic irony in which there's a shady character planning the downfall of Equestria. (Said character would turn out to be Flash in this case.) However, you tried to cram it into a little over 2,000 word story. That's really hard to do. In fact, some might say it isn't feasible.
Other things that hurt the story is that there was a huge plot hole: if Shining knew these things about Flash, why in the world would Twilight be engaged to the guy? Bear with me here, Mel. Shining Armour was bound to have known that Twi was getting married, and he should then know who. Unless he somehow only found out about these crimes later (unlikely as he is Captain of the Guard), this is a major plot hole. Do you get what I'm saying?
However, despite all of this, I don't think that most of it was that bad. The first half was pretty well written, and I could tell you tried to do some foreshadowing, which is great; with a plot twist so big, that's needed. However, again, with an idea this big, it can't really be done in such a short story. A couple of chapters are needed at the least.
In conclusion, I'd say that the story itself was well-written, grammatically speaking. Spelling was also spot on. However, it did suffer on the literary side of things, in which the main flaw was that the story was extremely rushed and had a big plot hole.
And Mel, if you read this, don't think I'm ragging on you. I'm trying to help, give you constructive criticism. I understand this is only your second story on here, and you can't expect every story to be a shiner; I mean, just look at Fall of the Rainbow Factory. But this story...this story has an interesting idea. You've got a great opportunity. If you take it back, rework it and pace it out better, you could have something amazing. But that takes time and effort. If you don't want to do that, I understand; I did the same thing with Awoken. I moved on.
If you don't want to work on this more, I say you should try writing other one shots, or perhaps a series if you want. Who knows? It could end up working out for you. Plus, it'll help your creative and writing development.
Hope this helps!
Toodledoo!
Quillin Words
4427371 I realized that it has some problems, and I'm going to try to smooth them out in the multi-chapter sequel that I have planned, but other than let, I'm to let well enough alone. This type of story isn't really my style.My style is heavily inspired by modernist American authors as well as such people as Ray Bradbury and Douglass Adams. That is too say, if my story makes a whole lot of sense and is serious in tone, then I'm doing it wrong.
Not everypony is always good nor is everypony is always bad...
Some just have dark desires, and other don't...
Flash really should think his plan through...
But I think he's doomed....
Night