when Twilight visits Celestia for a few magic lessons she discovers a strange device called a "computer" in Celestia's possesion. She then discovers that the computer allows acess to the internet, the largest source of information, and other things. As she takes the computer back to her home in Ponyville to show her friends, nothing can prepare them for the horrors that await them on the internet.
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Needs a little bit of spacing but i could imagine what could happen, maybe a cross over of the real world
or maybe an pony artist event
My god... look at the size of that thing...
Gah, it's a dreaded great wall of text!
We can't vanquishly read it, we're doomed!
Translation: Your giant wall of never indented text makes it near impossible to read.
They need to find stashes of TwiLestia porn on Celestia's computer.
Good read, aside from the massive wall of text it is a good read. There are a few errors and typos but its negligible. I love your take on this concept cause I feel it has potential!
Make it less wallish. Make it longer and make it more detailed and
I shall like.
I love where you're going with this!
Although Paragraphs would be nice.
Spacing. That is all
.
Nooooooo their innocence lost, damn you rule 34!
fim.413chan.net/fim/src/129923616283-MLP_Fluttershy_Fuck_.jpg
JRule 34? What is rule 34?
JUST KIDDING!
Now to investigate that website!
Urrrgh....
Between the TAB and `~ keys there lays a magical button that will make your writing more readable!!!
Look!
<-- There it goes!!
It is all. One. Paragraph.
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH
sorry guys didn't realize it at the time. I'll try to make it less wallish.
458935 well more chapters are coming. this one was just to set up the rest of the story a bit.
Fixed it.
maybe
460150
Take a new paragraph each time a character speaks, please. So it'd be like:
“Oh there you are Twilight!” Twilight was snapped back into reality by the soft and gentle yet commanding voice. She turned to see the tall sun goddess standing a few feet away from her.
"Oh sorry princess!” the purple mare replied slightly embarrassed.”I was just admiring the architecture again."
“Oh Twilight my faithful student you always were the one to enjoy such things. Anyway shall we begin our lessons?”
--
The story is alright but it is lacking in a lot of aspects. Try and get a proofreader.
465924 well that surtenly does make it look better, and your right a proof reader would be very helpfull. Know anybody who would be intrested?
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/270/046/b16.jpg
466873
Nope, sorry. Just go around and ask people? Maybe go to ponychan's /fic/? They would surely help you out and it would do a great deal good for your writing endeavors.
OH GOD WHY
WHY CANT I VOMIT
thats what most peaple i know would do when they read that but heres what i would do
467194 this is true.
can we get a progress report please
553248 sorry i've been away for awhile but i'll start working again and the second chapter should be up shortly.
The not so long awaited second chpter.
i weld the mighty spear of second and oh god aj you dun goofed
Hey, the summary had good grammar. Why not the story too?
Please get a proof reader, PLEEEASSSEEEEEEE. Pinkie promise me you'll get a proof reader?
742018 I would but i've tried looking for one and i just can't find someone willing.
666966
STOP BEFORE THE INTERNET DRAGS YOU DOWN WITH IT!!!