It all started with a visit to babysit a filly and within an hour, he got me curious, he got me trying it out, and then he got me addicted to it. Now as TinkerBell125, this is my story into the game of Equestrian Earth.
This is my first story, so please correct me if there are any mistakes inside.
Edit: I think in Chapter 3 I will introduce our favorite Doctor and the famous wall-eyed mare. I hope Chaotic Note won't mind if I told how Derpy became Alseer. I will add them soon.
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4135739
Thanks. I too can't wait as well.
Not a bad start for first time fic
Not a bad start...but you've made some pretty common mistakes for a first timer. Here's the biggest one you need to work on. Details! Details details details! And important details! I, as the audience, don't care how much the game cost. Unless it's important don't put it in. What I do care about is the world you're presenting. I want you to take me on a journey into this place, make me feel like I'm there. Don't just describe the weather (that's just lazy and pointless) describe the world.
I'm going to give you a great example, imagine a room. There's a few chairs scattered around a small dining table. A large clock is slowly ticking above a stone mantle piece. The fire has gone out and the embers are slowly emitting whips of black smoke. The curtains are drawn open and the sunshine outside illuminates the room. On top of the dining table is a cage housing a white rabbit. A black number six is painted on the back of the rabbit.
That was (paraphrased) from a book by Stephen King. When you're setting the scene you're drawing the reader into the world. You can describe every inch of the room, but the reader is only going to be drawn to important things like the rabbit. It's important because you're writing a story about an entirely new world (albeit a virtual one) and you need to flesh it out with details which draw the readers attention. This takes practice, but I think you can get the hang of it. Other then that, get a proofreader because you've got quite a few mistakes there.
4141726 Thanks. I try to do my best on details in the next chapter, because I'm not very good at it. And about the proofreader thing, could you be my proofreader? I never had anyone proofread my stories before, so if you do accept, then I will be very happy and can credit you on it.
If not, that's okay.
Thanks for the constructive review BTW. It is the first I'd received. So thanks again.
4141878 Sorry but I'm too busy to be a proofreader and I'm not that good at it in all honesty. Here's a place where you can find people who will be more than happy to proofread your stuff http://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/the-proofreader-group. Just make sure to find someone that suits you and your preferred style. Don't be afraid to shop around. Keep on practicing though. The best way to get better at writing is to write.
Decent. When's the next chapter?
4501971 Soon. Exams are over so I would probably be resuming on my stories.
4503576 Sweet.
8th paragraph, you referred to button as a filly. He's a colt.
I see someone liked SAO~~~
The subject is like my catnip. I'll be watching to see where this goes, guaranteed.
While grind is in fact a normal term, "pots" is only used while typing, to save time. Just call them potions.
Anyway, you called Aeroslida Aeropolis multiple times in this chapter, as well as made the latter 2/3 of the chapter take the appearance of the level-up screen, presumably due to you not closing the formatting for it correctly.