Luna and I were best friends. We played together, laughed together. We were the best of pals. But she started to act a little weird... I asked what was wrong she said nothing and blushed. I remembered the gala was coming up but I was only a little colt. How could I go to the gala? Especially with the filly Princess Luna. But I asked her and she said yes! I was so excited. I hopped all around my room when I got home. But why would Luna wanna go to the gala with me? I'm just a little colt that lives in a shack in Ponyville.... Is it because I look like her?
Chapters (4)
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4213463 I could sit here for hours upon hours starring at the attachment photo
4213463 amm maybe author meant ... no never mind
4213463
Why does this feel like the beginning of a story about somepony with intersexuality? (Which, by the way, could actually get interesting. I doubt that this is what the story's really about, though.)
I think concept for story is good but it felt like wery rushed review/story hybrid...
4213491
Filly = Female foal
Colt = Male foal
That's the problem with the description. A Filly is a girl, whereas a Colt is a boy. You have to decide on which
4213676 Thanks for the reminder I keep getting confused with that
Update: I will be writing 2 new chapters every week! (sometimes I might be busy or lazy)
I like the concept of the story, definitely caught my attention. But keep an eye on punctuation. Placing some more comma's and such makes it more fun to read.
Also, I'd higly recommend you separate the words such as "wanna" into "want to", unless it were being said by a character in the story. Gives you more words and it generally looks better,
Anyway, keep it up! can't wait for another chapter!
Just some quick tips on the formatting.
1. Every time a new person talks, start a new paragraph.
Should be:
2. When they speak, make sure you capitalize the first word but not the second part of the dialog.
Should be:
3. Make sure you use correct punctuation.
Should be:
4. Watch for spelling
Should be:
5. Be sure to make sure you are not being repetitive.
Should be:
There are more things you can do but try and get these down first. I am only giving you this critique because I like the story idea and I want it to succeed.
I like this story
Update: SO sorry about this but i won't be able to write for some time because of another upcoming story i'm writing I'm SO sorry for the delay and this late notice.
Time: 3-4 weeks (estimate maybe longer or shorter)
For What: Another story
UPDATE TO THIS UPDATE: I gonna write a new chapter right now so wait until tomorrow or later today
YAY Finally finished a chapter! Hope you enjoy!
Hey guys I am going to make a series to this story but just warning it is going to be a little bit of a sex story not to much but just to point where manor and luna have kids that's it pretty much.
but don't worry this story is NOT i repeat NOT going to come out UNTIL this story is complete so don't get worried that i'm gonna end this story unless... no no no anyway just wanted to tell you guys that AND that i'm actually working on the next chapter right now so... yeah just stay tuned!
I'm thinking of dropping the story completely I have lost all inspiration and these things happen but I would love a vote or protest against this because I'm starting to think no one reads the story anymore so I will put it on Hiatus until I get one comment's opinion.
Damnit another dead story