Fleur de Lis is brilliant. Besides modeling, she also engages in political intrigue, crumpling financial empires, and a bit of sleuthing. All for a price of course. When Braeburn of Appleloosa contacts her about the kidnapped daughter of a local heiress, how can she resist? But when she arrives in Appleloosa, all is not what it seems. With the help of her new ally, Patsy Trotter, she discovers not only a kidnapper, but a supernatural conspiracy.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well this is certainly an intriguing concept. I don't think a chapter this shot has given me a proper grasp of your writing style so I'll wait til I've seen a bit more before I give any serious critiques. I would however advise putting a space between paragraphs. Otherwise everything g looks all bunched together and it can be difficult to tell where a paragraph begins.
Hmm, just enough that you have my attention...
Also, you still need punctuation at the end of dialogue, even if it's just a statement.
When I read the word "conspiracy" I instantly thought of Samuel Stuhlinger.
Anyways, it's about midnight when I wrote this, so I'm tired, so by morning I should have this read and an actual synopsis by then. Talk to you tomorrow :P
3989768
Ha! Well, no zombies here
First off, there were some tense changes in there, you might want to review for those. Second is more along the lines of advice, but you might want to add some description to the scenes to add more vivid food for the imagination. Does somepony's face contort in utmost fury into some twisted nightmare of a pony? Do the amber skies caress the land in a honeyed glow? Stuff like that. Otherwise? Pretty good
EDIT: Ugh, Fimfiction mobile.
I think it was really great. I like how you hinted at various elements within the characters that developed them into dynamic characters whilst still allowing for room to add or alter their personalities later, such as the subtle attraction between Braeburn and Fleur without it being clop or a romance. Your choice of detail is phenomenal; just enough detail to have a good picture of what is going on, but not too much that the writing is flowery. Overall, I would only suggest to add a few more emotions to the characters, but not too many otherwise it may totter to the twilight (book series) type of feel.