Fleur de Lis and the Case of the Catastrophic Kidnaping

by Modern Marvel

Fitting

“It’s just,” my companion starts, “I feel responsible. It was my turn to watch her…”

I sigh. I’m not used to this. In all my tenure as a mind for hire, I’ve never been called into do police work and I still don’t fully understand why I was chosen for this. he says he trusts me on a referral from his cousin, I suppose he means the issue with the mayor skimming apples off the top. That hardly qualifies me for a kidnapping case. He has not stopped babbling since we left my home, we teleported mid-sentence and he kept going. If I didn’t know better I’d think he was the parent.

We arrive right outside the town and proceeded to trot to the scene of the crime: The house of the concerned parents. Of course I asked him the usual questions, learned the backstory of this kidnapping. Dusty Star- the young filly belonging to Silver Lining and Wild Star, son of Silver Star, sheriff, went missing late last night. She had just gotten her cutie mark a few weeks earlier. The father was out and the mother had invited Braeburn over for company and a free sitter. She was asleep, he was drinking, somehow or other somepony took the young Dusty and hasn’t made any demands yet. Naturally, the sheriff tried to take over the investigation, but his first “interview” could have gotten him removed from office and Braeburn suggested me. Here we are.

The two of us continue walking, the earth pony is still speaking and I want to listen, I really do, he could be giving me such delicious clues, but I just can’t. I distract myself with the western architecture. I have never seen building like these outside of storybooks and I am surprised we have land left in Equestria to settle. I hear something, my ears perk up.

“It’s just the start, I say” The stallion is big, built strongly. He has a light brown coat and a dark brown name, his cutie mark a hammer and pike so I can only assume he helped build the railroad. “Those buffalos are gonna slaughter us all, one by one. You think that this so-called ‘treaty’ is gonna protect us? They want their land, and they’ll do anything to take it!” I roll my eyes and a small scoff escapes. There are a hoof-full of ponies around him nodding in agreement. The stallion keeps talking but my companion is finally giving me some new information.

“That there is Rosen Tall” Braeburn whispers to me. “He didn’t much care about the buffalo until the price of apple pie went up. Less apple tees and the free pie mean that it’s all suddenly worth more.” I look back at this Rosen Tall and see that he is talking to a new mare, a grey one with a wispy mane. She points her hoof in my direction and they both stare at us silently, with wide unblinking eyes as we turn the corner.

There are two other ponies that stand out on this street. A young mare, light orange coat, vibrant red mane, stands next to a familiar face. She’s, oddly, fully dressed: a frilly skirt and a loose fitting shirt. A locket is dangling from her neck. The only other clothing I’ve seen around here are the myriad of Stetsons that litter the town. The pony she is standing next to is a stallion the world knows as Coy. I know him as Beast.

We bypass these two and head into the Star’s family home. It is noticeably nicer than the rest of the houses in the settlement, there is something… cleaner about it.

The door opens and we see the living room. Two couches and an E-Z chair sit in the center of the room, one pony on each of them. The mare stands up when she sees us.

“Braeburn” she exclaims as she rushes him, pulling my traveling companion into a warm embrace. He returns it. I do believe she is rather pretty, even with her brown mane wrapped hastily into a bun. The stallion who I assume to be her husband stares expressionless. Sheriff Silver Star is the first to greet me.

“Howdy” He smiles at me grimly. I nod in response.

“You Fleur De Lis?” the other stallion asked.

“Yes. I assume you’re Wild Star?”

“You’d be correct.”

We regard each other for a bit before the mother speaks up again.

“We’ve heard a lot about you.” She smiles pleasantly through the tears that are forming.

“Well I still don’t think we’ve heard enough” adds the sheriff rather bitterly. He flops back down on his large, over-fluffed chair.

“Dad!” Wild Star exclaims.

The conversation is not very pleasant. Mostly it’s a rehashing of what I already knew. The family obviously is not happy, but I expected that. Their youngest was just kidnapped after all.

…

Braeburn leaves first, I figure the dirty looks that the father keeps giving him is a good enough reason. I leave too, with the two most vocal ponies in the group having not actually been there, I feel my time is better spent elsewhere.
Outside the door are the same two ponies, clattering away at a large machine that looks like a video game. Coy looks up at me, then back down. I know he really doesn’t want to see me but I really don’t care. In this town, these two are weird, and weird must be investigated.

“Coy” I say in his general direction. He is making quite an effort not to look at me. His friend on the other hand is paying me alarmingly close attention. Hank looks different then the last time I saw him, huge and muscular, hanging onto buildings by his back hooves. Right now he looks almost normal.

The mare opens her mouth to speak but is immediately cut off.

“Fleur, what are you doing here?”

“I’ve been hired to investigate the disappearance of Dusty Star.” I say simply. He grunts in acknowledgment, eloquent as always. The mare’s eyes twinkle and I swear I know her.

“My name is Patsy Trotter” she says cheerfully. Coy bangs away at his machine.

“Fleur De Lis” I reply. And now, I know who she is. “I read your comic book,”

Patsy Trotter was a popular comic that came out around the time I moved to Canterlot for the first time. Some romantic comedy fluff that I heard was based off of a true story.

“Oh that…” She blushed deeply and pawed at the ground.

“Uh huh”

She looks at me and her smile grows wider and toothier, like a child who knows something that I don’t. It’s a look I’ve never liked.

“It’s been nice seeing you again Coy,” I say as I walk towards the Salt Lick, a place I feel I can get some answers. I hear Coy yell the mare’s name and I turn sharply to see young Patsy Trotter galloping away.

Author's Note:

Hope you liked it, please comment, all criticism is welcome.

Comments

[Monochromatic Rainbow]

First off, there were some tense changes in there, you might want to review for those. Second is more along the lines of advice, but you might want to add some description to the scenes to add more vivid food for the imagination. Does somepony's face contort in utmost fury into some twisted nightmare of a pony? Do the amber skies caress the land in a honeyed glow? Stuff like that. Otherwise? Pretty good

EDIT: Ugh, Fimfiction mobile.

[Instant_Muffins]

I think it was really great. I like how you hinted at various elements within the characters that developed them into dynamic characters whilst still allowing for room to add or alter their personalities later, such as the subtle attraction between Braeburn and Fleur without it being clop or a romance. Your choice of detail is phenomenal; just enough detail to have a good picture of what is going on, but not too much that the writing is flowery. Overall, I would only suggest to add a few more emotions to the characters, but not too many otherwise it may totter to the twilight (book series) type of feel.