What Do They Find So Apealing!?
Hooves pounded on the ground, making sound as if there was an earthquake. That was not the case though.
"Ha!, you'll have to run faster than that if you wanna beat me Applejack!" a rainbow maned pegasus, whose name was Rainbow Dash, called at the pony running next to her, she was almost breathless. The pegasus wasn't used to running. She preferred flying more.
The orange earth pony, known as Applejack, snorted in reply, for she too was almost out of breath.
Meanwhile.....
"Do you see them? Do you see them?" a pink pony, named Pinkie Pie, said happily as she bounced up and down next a white unicorn named Rarity.
The unicorn was looking through binoculars, holding them with her magic which left it glowing in a blue aurora.
"No, I don't darling." she said levitating the binoculars away from her eyes to look at her pink friend. Looking back through them again, a smile formed on her face.
"I take that back, I do see them!" Rarity said, still looking through the binoculars.
"Yay!" Pinkie Pie said. Without a thought, she zoomed down the path where her two friends were.
"Pinkie, no!" a lavender alicorn shouted at her, but it was too late. The pink party pony was too far to hear, but when did she ever hear anything.
**
Rainbow Dash and Applejack galloped side by side down the path, only a nose length would decide who would win the race and who wouldn't.
Pinkie Pie came running down the path, Applejack and Rainbow Dash saw her and tried to stop. The both manged to, but the pink pony slammed into Rainbow Dash.
"Gah! Pinkie Pie, get off of me!" Rainbow said through in a muffled voice.
Pinkie actually heard her friend, and hopped off of her. "Oops, sorry Dashie!" Pinkie said in a happy tone.
Rainbow Dash heaved herself to her hooves, and brushed off the dust and rolled her eyes.
"Whatever," the pegasus said in a flat tone, "Anyways," she said, perking up. "Who wants to race me next?"
By the time she had said that, the rest of her friends were behind Pinkie Pie. They must of ran or maybe her and Applejack were not that far from the finish line.
Nopony spoke up, Rainbow Dash had already raced Applejack, sorta. Rarity would never race her, Pinkie Pie would probably get distracted by a butterfly or something like that.
Rainbow's eyes focused on Fluttershy, the yellow pony was a pegasus, which means she had wings, which means the two of them could have a flying race!
Rainbow Dash thought about it for a moment, but then thought: No way would Fluttershy, do that! She can barely fly, I can just imagine what would happen if we raced! Maybe someday the pony would race her, but today was not that day. That day probably would never come, but a pony can dream, can't they?
Rainbow's eyes then flickered to Twilight, she had wings too, now that she was an alicorn.
A smile appeared on the rainbow maned pegasus's face.
"I need to stretch my wings," Rainbow said unfolding her wings.
Looking at the purple alicorn she said, "Hey Twilight, wanna race?"
Twilight looked at her like she had gone insane, "What!?"
"Yeah, you know a race, a flying race" Rainbow Dash responded.
Twilight's look of horror turned into a look of sympathy. "I sorry Rainbow Dash, but I don't fly."
"What!?" two voices said.
Rainbow Dash stood there with her jaw dropped, but surprisingly Fluttershy had the same horror struck face as Rainbow Dash.
Everypony looked at Fluttershy as if she had turned into a ghost. "Fluttershy, since when have you liked flying?" Twilight asked.
"Well, I never really like flying, but ever since Tornado Duty, I realized that flying wasn't all that bad. And you all helped me with some of my fears, but this isn't about me. This is about you, Twilight. Why don't you like flying?
"Well....I don't really know, I guess because I always get kinda hurt when I fly?" Twilight told her, in somewhat of a question and finished in a nervous smile.
Fluttershy frowned at her, "Twilight, you don't have to be a super speedster like Rainbow Dash, but you have at least like flying. I don't want you to end up like me."
"Oh Fluttershy darling, not all pegasi have to like flying. You sound like you aren't good at flying" Rarity said, walking up next to Fluttershy.
"I'm not the best at flying, Rarity, but I don't want Twilight to be sacred of flying" Fluttershy told her friend.
Rainbow Dash turned to Fluttershy, "Come on Flutters, we have a pony to teach!"
Fluttershy nodded at Rainbow. "Right!"
The blue pegasus gave a huge flap of her wings and toke off in a blur.
The rest of her friends only blinked and before they knew it Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight were gone.
"Well, they ain't coming back for a while, Ah' got to do at the farm." Hopefully, not somethin' too hard. Applejack thought to herself. She wouldn't want to say it out loud. "Later!" Applejack said trotting away.
"Yes, I agree, and I do have a big order to do. Goodbye Pinkie Pie" Rarity said with a way of her hoof, and walked away.
Pinkie Pie looked from were Applejack had gone to were Rarity had gone.
"Well, maybe the Cakes need my help!" she said cheerfully. "I'll check on Flutters, Dashie, and Twi later"
And with that Pinkie Pie bounced away the way Rarity had gone.
***
"Ahhhhh!" Twilight screamed.
Just a couple of seconds ago she was on the ground, safe and sound. Then before she could react. "Bam!" she was getting carried up in the air by her friend.
She felt something soft under her, opening her eyes slowly. Twilight saw that she was sitting on a cloud. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy flapping their wings in front of her.
"Alright, Twilight are you ready?" Rainbow asked her.
Twilight gulped, "What do you mean? You carry me up in the air, and expect me to...do what exactly? Fly? Have you too lost your minds!?
Fluttershy smiled, "Twilight, birds learn to fly. Not saying your a baby bird, but we can teach you how to fly like a baby bird."
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "From what I know about birds, is that when they are taught how to fly. Their like pushed off a tree or something.
Fluttershy clapped her hooves for her friend. "Good job Rainbow! You remembered!"
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes once more, "Yes whatever, big accomplishment. Can we get on with helping Twilight already?"
Fluttershy cleared her throat, "Of course. O.K Twilight were going to push you off the-" the rest of Fluttershy's sentence was cut off by Twilight.
"Your going to what!? You can't push me off the cloud, I'll die!"
"No you won't! Rainbow Dash said in a annoyed tone, "We won't let you die."
Twilight sighed, "Fine, but You will-" she was cut off by a push from Dash. Sending her falling off the cloud.
"Gah! Twilight flailed her hooves and wings, which was not helping her to fly, at all.
Fluttershy and Rainbow appeared on either side of her.
"You gotta flap em' hard!" Rainbow said to her, "But not to hard, and don't do it like you are now. That doesn't help at all, you'll get tired easier and you won't get anywhere."
Twilight glared at her. "Shut up, and help me!"
Rainbow smiled and shook her head at Twilight, "No can do Princess, all I can do is help you."
Twilight yelled at Rainbow Dash, still flapping frantically, luckily it was just enough to slow her down. "Now is not the time Rainbow Dash!
Rainbow Dash laughed, but Fluttershy's glare shut her right up.
Twilight, seeing that her friends wouldn't be any help at the moment, closed her eyes and breathed in deeply.
"O.K, stay calm, I can do this," she thought to herself.
Opening her eyes, she gave a huge flap of her wings and soared up.
Twilight felt the wind blow thorough her mane, the wind made her body feel cool.
When she pushed through a cloud. Twilight stopped and looked around. She couldn't see the ground anymore, but the scene was breath taking. The clouds looked beautiful, and light from the Sun made her body warm, and the breeze made her warm, but not too warm that she was sweating.
Twilight smiled and closed her eyes, as well as her wings. She fell feeling the breeze once more. Only falling a little ways.
Twilight opened her eyes and wings. Twilight gave a flap and twisted her body around. Then flew down to were Fluttershy and and Rainbow Dash were.
Zooming around them, she shouted, "This is awesome! I love flying! Whooo Whoooo!!"
"I knew you would like it!' Rainbow Dash shouted.
Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash exchanged a glace, then flew after their friend.
**
Twilight cleared her throat, then said her letter to her assistance, Spike.
"Dear Princess Celestia,"
"Today I learned, that flying can be a wonderful thing. At first I thought flying would get me hurt, but once I learned how to fly. I knew that was not the case. My dear friends Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash helped me learn that. Besides learning how to fly, I learned that friends can help you face your fears and show you the way. What the way is, I do not know. But I do know that I couldn't have done it with out them. I must thank you princess, for without sending me to Ponyville. I wound have never met my wonderful friends.
Your Faithful Student Princess Twilight Sparkle (Twilight)
"Oh and P.S, You should try flying more often, It's fun!"
**
"Hey, Twilight!" Rainbow said appearing in the door way to the library with Fluttershy next to her. "Ready to fly some more? I think Pinkie wants to "fly" and I'm going to surprise Applejack by swiping her off her hooves and go up into the air and do like a twist or something like that!"
Twilight looked at Rainbow Dash like she had gone mad. "What!? Don't you think Applejack will, like faint if you do that?"
Rainbow Dash blinked at her, then sighed. "Fine! I'll only lift her off the ground just enough to scare her."
Twilight, not convinced continued to glare at her.
"Ughh! Fine! I'll just throw her off balance so she falls" Rainbow said in a annoyed tone.
Twilight laughed at that. "Alright, but Pinkie better be just riding on your back."
"She will!" Rainbow called exiting the library.
Twilight rolled her eyes, but not in anger. Only from humor. Then turning to Spike, she asked "Can you send that?"
Spike nodded, "Of course, but could you take me with you? I want to she what it's like to fly." he said looking at the ground.
The purple alicorn smiled. "Of course, Spike"
The baby dragon looked up and smiled. He blew the letter away. It was sent to the Princess now.
Twilight used her magic the levitate Spike on her back. "Come on, let's go."
And with that, she walked out the door to join her friends.
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- schmitthappens21 · 1.3k words · 505 views
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First! iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-first.gif
I just don't get enough opportunities to use this gif.
where did you find that cover art?
3949895
Here
3949895
And if you want the exact picture. Exact
3949886
Yay!
3950132
Aw shoot, I didn't save the edits to the first comment. Oh, well. So, I like the concept of this story since I can easily relate to it (I have a similar problem with driving). I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors at my first glance aside from "Ann" in the last sentence. However, this story needs work. Your main problem is writing style. It's not an easy issue for me to address, so I would suggest getting an editor to help you with that (just search for editor groups). Beyond that though, there are a few glaring errors in story telling, writing structure, and characterization that need to be addressed (and that I can address).
First off, you need to use real indents (use the Tab key) and a blank space between each paragraph, just like how I have structure this comment. If you don't do this, it just becomes a wall of text.
I'm not sure who said this, and if it was Twilight as I suspect, then it would be better said a sentence or two earlier to bring RD's attention to Twilight's wings. (I assume that's what It was there for unless it was for comedic effect. Don't use it for comedic effect)
You have Fluttershy's character down pretty well up to this point. Although she does want Twilight to learn to fly, RD would be the one to suggest an impromptu flying lesson at the drop of a hat. In short, flip the two of them around here and they'll stay in character.
This part feels really forced. Yes, it would make sense that they all have somewhere to go after the race, but they don't all have to announce their plans for the day unless they're planning on getting back together later. There's two ways to fix this. 1: Note that RD picks up twilight (which you should do either way) and just skip this little scene, simply implying that the others were left to wonder what just happened, or 2: After Applejack's need to get back to the farm (look up some actual farm and find a real chore that needs to be done, preferably with little strain since she was just in a race) have everypony just give a general agreement that there's nothing left to see here.
Everything is sudden right now, so it doesn't help for you to be saying it. Also, when did she close her eyes? (rhetorical question)
And this is where Twilight's character is broken. She was just whisked away from the nice, stable, SAFE ground and placed on a cloud that's likely very high in the air. Not only that, but now RD is asking her if she's ready. Twilight isn't one to do something without question. Especially here, where she would most likely not fully know what she's being told what to do. Then when she is told, she would most likely object at least a little bit before giving in. (at her objection you can have Fluttershy saying that this is how baby birds are taught to fly.) After that, Twilight will be back in character.
During the falling bit, everything seems way too calm. If you were falling about the height of ten stories (you would need to be around this high or higher to have enough time for that scene) would you honestly stop to glare at your calm friend who made a less than helpful comment? Even if you had suddenly gained wings, the life-time truth of falling=bad would weigh your mind down. I would suggest watching the flight failure scenes in How to Train Your Dragon to get a gauge on proper falling reactions. (hiccup and Twilight are similar characters after all).
What? Not only could this little prank prove to be fatal for Applejack and Pinkie Pie if either of them aren't caught on time, but could also be an absolutely terrifying expirience. Twilight may have been able to learn the joys of flying like this, but at least she had wings. Applejack doesn't and for someone who has never been higher off the ground than the roof of her barn (unless safely inside a city building), this could possibly be a traumatic occurrence for her. Once again you should at least have Twilight object a bit before caving in, if not outright forbidding it.
Lastly, you seem to suffer from Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I would suggest following this link to the Writing Guide and reading up on this affliction. If you have not already read the Writing Guide in its entirety, I would suggest doing so. (it may be a long,daunting read, but it would be time well spent.)
I would really like to help you with your style and prose myself, but I don't have enough time to do so. (it would involve going through just about every sentence with you and helping you learn how to write them better) I hope this has helped and that you always keep aspiring to be a better author.
3951180
Well, I did not expect a review. Thank you though. :)
In the editors group, do I just ask if someone could help me?
Also, thank you about the indentation using the tab key. I'm sorta new.
I'll fix it ASAP. But tonight is not that night.
Again, thank you for helping me.
3951781 Your welcome. As for the editor business, if you are asking a person directly, then yes. If through a group, then read whatever rules they have for requesting editors and follow their procedures for doing so.
This story was quite charming. Rainbow Dash was hilarious.
I thought Fluttershy was done well. It was interesting seeing her embracing flight and wanting to help Twilight.
Twilights right, Celestia should fly more!
4088468
I hope to get another story up soon.
Thank you!
Spoiler!!!
(It's about Rarity an Fluttershy)
Ohhhhhhhhh............ this is such a good story.
I DONT FLY
[I don't care if you don't like to fly, your gonna get your butt up there
./size]
4148241
Thank you! I do enjoy your "Once a Crusader" story very much!
4150159 thanks
I mean, it seems... okay, I guess. A little contrived. It's also really old, so was probably a fairly new idea when you wrote it.
The first quote is LUS, the second quote is a typo in your chapter title.
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Well yes. This was my first story and was written before season four.
And I hope my writing has gotten better since this story. Which I think it has.
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I like you.
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Thanks.