• Published 8th Feb 2014
  • 12,730 Views, 524 Comments

Screw the rules we're on a road trip. - Ssendam the Masked



Evil cosplaying humans go on a road trip round Equestria.

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Visions of the past: Villainification part 2.

Stalwort Heart's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"By the Princesses'..." I heard one of the guards murmur, awestruck by the new natural landmark that now graced the Everfree Forest.
But for my new position as squad leader, I would have said the same thing. What was etched indelibly into the landscape was a scar of almost incomparable power. Only the Princesses' themselves could possibly stand against the foul sorcerer that carved this river in the landscape.

Although it was only a small trickle, the gaping chasm was still there- and that was what worried me. There wasn't a lake around here for about two miles. For some magical blast to travel all that distance and redirect that water this way... why, twas almost unthinkable! Had the tyrant Discord not been prominently displayed in the courtyard of Canterlot, I might have believed that the tyrant was back for more rampant destruction. I shuddered; the scars of Discord would not go away so easily. I could still remember the screams, as Discord forced ponies to fight rabid animals for his amusement.

I shook my head, clearing my dark thoughts. The Royal Guard had a duty to find whatever magic user was willing to cause such a threat. I flared my horn, and jumped over, scanning the undergrowth for threats.
"Sir, I have found some tracks!" I turned. Ah, the tracker. His name was Chestnut Hoof, and he possessed a talent for hunting escaped animals and hunting them down. The Guard armour didn't fit too well on the lanky earth pony; I made a mental note to have it refitted. I trotted over to him.
"There are two sets, sir. They left marks most unusual- not hoof prints, or paw prints, but something more... peculiar." He indicated the curious tracks in question.

I squinted at them. They were shaped like some sort of malformed oval, with a clear distance between them. It superficially resembled a paw print, but it was too flat, with strange grooves in it. What manner of creature left tracks like these? I glanced at Chestnut. If even he didn't know, then this was even more dangerous. Mayhaps it might be one of Discord's malformed creatures, seeking revenge for its imprisoned master. If that were so, then by the Princesses, I would not rest until this beast shared the same fate as its master.

"AAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!" I whipped my head around to the source of the noise. That might be a pony in trouble! I signalled to the other members of the squad, and we galloped off to the source of the disturbance. Who knows, the pony may have discovered our missing fugitive.

Tobi's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"AAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!" I screamed, running as quickly as I could away from the angry wasps. Wasp attacks were a personal fear of mine- I mean, the bastards never stop stinging you! Plus, I had a recurring nightmare as a kid, that a giant wasp would sting me until I died. It was a terrifying dream.

My screams died down for a bit as I remembered something important: I had Kamui! Grinning underneath my mask, I activated the ability, feeling a bit of strain in my right eye. Then, a leaf stuck to me and a wasp stung my ass. I forgot that it was actually harder to Kamui if something was stuck to you, and with something on it as well, well, that just added insult to injury.
"OOOOOOOWWWWW! THE PAIN! IT HURTS SO MUCH!" I screamed, redoubling my running efforts and swatting at my backside furiously to kill the wasp. Next to me, Josh was running along, swinging his sword around in an attempt to redirect the wasps wrath elsewhere. I mean, sure he had armour on, but there were still areas where there was cloth, where some enterprising wasps were already trying to sting.
We burst into a cleared area and kept running. Had we not been chased by wasps, we would have noticed that we were now on a road. We didn't care, because wasps. Seriously, wasps are a most righteous thing to fear. Everybody hates wasps- they're all evil and shit. So you can imagine our surprise when we ran into a small village surrounded by a wall of wood, screaming like maniacs.

Clay Pot's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

I was just getting to making a pot when I heard the sound of screaming. I didn't pay the noise any heed at all, seeing as it might be some colts just fooling around. Beside me, helping with stacking the large chunks of clay that made up my livelihood, was my adorable daughter, White Glaze. She wanted to help me with my work, and imagine my surprise when she was discovered to have a talent for baking!
"Mother dearest, would it be possible for myself and my friends to go out for some wild festivities? I have already made many sweetened dishes already!" I smiled.
"Of course, but right now we have work that must be done." I picked up a lump of clay and set it on the wheel, and began to pedal. The wheel spun, and I poured water over it. With it sufficiently wet, I began moulding the clay into an efficient pot.

The simple act of making a piece of pottery is a magic that no unicorn scholar, for all their letters, could ever understand. And I am glad of it, for unicorn pots are shallow, flimsy things. They don't understand the way of the clay, unfortunately. If you want a sturdy pot, buy an earth pony one. Pottery is one of the arts that is for earth ponies, like farming and animals.

"AAAHH! KILL THEM! KILL THE-HE-HEM!!!" I glanced up, startled. Those colts were really persistent, weren't they. Grumbling, I stopped pedalling; I was certainly not going to be able to work with all this racket.
"Come along, dear. I pray thee, associate yourself not with such ruffians, as their fun is at the expense of others. Furthermore, they are highly likely to grow up to be-"
It was at that moment that the world exploded.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

Civilisation at last! I wasn't feeling as tired as I know I should be, given that I'd run so fast over such a distance. Must be the adrenalin talking to my body, making me less tired and stuff. But I couldn't stop now; the wasps still persisted. I gripped my sword, feeling it swing through the air. I sure hope that it wouldn't accidentally do something again.

Beside me, Toby was reacting in a calm, sensible and adult manner.
"AAAHH! KILL THEM! KILL THE-HE-HEM!!!" I ignored him and kept running. Wasps were the least of our concerns- who lived in a town like this, Bavarians? Did they even speak English? These were questions that flitted through my mind as I ran forwards. I charged forwards, sword spinning in hand, and unleashed a more minor blast accidentally.
"Oh, shit."

Clay Pot's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

I watched in horror as the gate was wrought asunder by a blast of green magic, a crescent arc of energy that impacted with the middle of the town square. Fortuitously, no pony was there, but the huge ditch that was created sprung up clean water. I watched in shock as two monstrous beasts charged through the hole, the source of the guttural screaming now made clear.

The first one looked like a demon from Tartarus. It wore some sort of lower garment on its hind legs, with its greyish green hooves looking practically malformed, so long were they. It wore no shirt on its upper body, and its head was flat and wide, like a plate was stuck to its skull. Its horrible, skull-like face grinned out at the world. In its hand it held a glowing sword, of unidentifiable make, which it swished about its person while screeching, a horrible, discordant voice that set teeth on edge. It unleashed some sort of battle cry:
"Oh, shit."

The one behind it was almost as bad. Rather than having green skin, it was apparently orange. It had a swirling orange face, with only one eye; or was it a mouth? It had a black, spiky mane on its head, perched on there with no thought. It wore a long, black coat, with red cloud designs on it. Its legs seemed to be of the same style as its companion, and it sprinted forwards, seemingly intent on fighting with anything that got in its way.

Beside me, my daughter huddled, and I could not find it in my heart to blame her for her lack of heart. The creatures seemed to be running from something. They ignored every single pony, and charged into the nearest house, pushing open the doors and slamming them shut. It was then that I heard the angry buzzing of wasps. I screamed, grabbing my daughter and bolting for the nearest house, trying to avoid the swarm of violent insects.

Tobi's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"Haaah....haaah..." I panted, trying to regain my breath. Beside me, Josh seemed to be having a panic attack.
"Hey... haah... dude... what's the problem?" I wheezed out. Josh looked at me.
"Where are the people in this village? I mean, all I've seen are some multicoloured horses." I shrugged.
"Maybe they're off somewhere, maybe at a local hillbilly hoedown." Josh nodded.
"Perhaps." Just then, a horse opened the door somehow, ploughed in, and closed it. It then seemed to realise something. It turned to us, shakily.

Now that I looked at, maybe 'horse' is the wrong word to use. Pony seemed more accurate. But it was no pony that I'd seen. For one thing, its caramel eyes were too big- like, they were about half the size of its head. It had a terra-cotta hued hide, with a brown mane and tail. Curiously, it had a... butt tattoo, depicting a cay pot. I looked at it.
"Man, this is one fucked up pony."
"W-what manner of beast are you, that thou can just talk without a mouth?" I blinked. Beside me, Josh fell back.
"Josh."
"Yeah?"
"The horse talks."
"Pony."
"Whatever."

Just then, the door burst in, and a white horse in armour fell through. He took one look at us, then glared. I noted that he had a horn on his head, while the brown pony didn't. Was that racist or something?

"Foul villains! Thou may have led us on a most merry chase, but it is here that thine route ends!" His horn glowed blue, like his eyes.
"What dost thou have to say to us, villain, knave, thou who hast destroyed a town square in the Equestrian plains? What say you now?"
"...Sorry, what?"

Stalwort Heart's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"...Sorry, what?" I glared at the villains, outraged at their impudence.
"Art thou touched in the head? Thou hast destroyed much in thine mad rampage, unleashed a swarm of wasps on the citizens of this fair town, and thou hast the audacity to ask, 'what thine crimes are?' Thou villains have disturbed the peace, too, with thine mad caterwauling-"
"Wait, hang on, Inspector Lestrade." The green one spoke up, I think. It was hard to tell with its face. "We didn't unleash a swarm of wasps on anybody!" Now it was my turn to be confused.
"Art thou implying that the wasps weren't thine own fault?" The orange one piped up. "Yes, we accidentally disturbed two wasps' nests, and ran away from them because we didn't want to get stung, that's all." I rubbed my chin, contemplating.
"The caterwauling?"
"Terror. Nobody wants to get stung by bees."
"It's nopony," I corrected. The orange one tilted its head.
"Nopony. Rrriiiigght." He turned to the green one.
"We are completely innocent of inflicting a swarm of wasps on you... ponies." But there was one final crime I had to ask about.
"What about the rampant destruction? The new river, the lake in the centre of this fine village?" The green one looked at his sword guiltily.
"Um, yeah, that was me. It was an accident." I froze. Then, with a voice like steel, I said,
"So, you release such powerful magic that the landscape itself is carved on accident? I find that hard to believe, knave." Orange piped up.
"It's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing BUT the truth!" He clasped his... appendages together, interlocking the strange claws for emphasis.

With a groan, the house's timbers twisted and distorted, growing leaves and strange arms, seemingly under something else's control. I swiftly ran outside, to watch as every single house grew legs, tearing apart the very earth around them as timbers warped around, like they were alive again.

Inside, the orange one looked at its paws in amazement.
"I did not mean to do that." I had heard enough lies for one day.
"STAND YOUR GROUND, KNAVE! THOU SHALT BE ARRESTED, UNDER THE NAMES OF THE PRINCESSES CELESTIA AND LUNA, TO BE JUDGED BY THEM AS SUCH! RESIST MINE AUTHORITY, AND THOU WILL BE DESTROYED!" With that, I charged in, already readying a thalamic lance.
"Wait, waitwaitwaitwait! I can still fix this-"
"RAAAAHHHH!!!!!"

Author's Note:

Soon, we shall get back into the main action in the present day. Now, you can see how they were first interpreted as villains.