• Published 8th Feb 2014
  • 14,485 Views, 524 Comments

Screw the rules we're on a road trip. - Ssendam the Masked

Evil cosplaying humans go on a road trip round Equestria.

  • ...



Tobi's P.O.V

I groaned within the skin tight prison I was in. When you have to stand still for a thousand years, fully conscious, you have to understand how boring that gets. Before our unfortunate circumstances, I could barely sit still, and now I was filled with pent up energy. Still, at least I could talk to my cell mate with my mind. So that was a blessing in disguise as far as I was concerned.
Hey, Sempai. You think we'll get out now?
I don't doubt it, Tobi.

Well, the two of us were waiting for our big break. Our stage debut, as it were. I think that we had about the rest of eternity to just sit here in stone, just watching everything. Still, we did have some awesome poses- Yoshimitsu, posing with his sword overhead in right hand, left hand extended outward with his arm straight, while I just did an air hump while flipping the bird. I was always the vulgar one of our little duo.

Suddenly, I heard voices.
Hey, Sempai. We've got a tour group! Wanna play the Insult Game?
You're damn right I want to play the insult game. Can't do anything else.

"Alright, class, now can any pony tell me what this statue is?" There's some plum coloured mare there. Looks like a plain one. Huh, I never got that. I mean, Pegasus and unicorns have the advantage in just about every way, so why did the plain ones stay? Are they hiding something. Behind her, there's a gaggle of school children. Or is a group of school children called a giggle? Meh. I spotted a suitably goofy fat one with a pair of scissors for a Butt Tattoo and start the game.
Hey, fatty fatty! Lay off the chips! Yeah, we just insult tour groups now. Oh how the mighty hath fallen. When we were free, through a series of hilarious misunderstandings and fights, we were regarded as Public Enemies 1 and 2. Now we're just the slacker roommates who can't pay rent because we spent it on pot. In another thousand years, we'd be hobos or something.

Besides, we're statues. They can't hear us.

The plum coloured mare isn't talking about us. Even within twenty years of our being frozen in stone, they never talked about us much. Instead, she's talking about the mishmash of body parts that speaks in the voice of John de Lancie. I shrugged in my mind and turned to the three without Butt Tattoes.
Hey, you lot! Your mothers were hamsters, and your fathers all stank of elderberries!
Yo mommas are so fat, they got their own zip codes!
May you munch on some carpet! I fart in your general direction! Just then, the pink one made a vaguely insulting comment to the three, so naturally, we started insulting her.
Hey, you little pink bitch! Why so mean?
Just because you're rich don't mean you can just stomp on the un butt tattoed!
Yeah, we're hypocrites. What're you going to do about it?

Oh, it seemed as if there was a fight happening now. We took one look at the teachers face and spent about five minutes laughing our asses off. It seemed that she'd seen a lot of these fights before, as her face just screamed, 'I am so over this shit.' While we were laughing, we felt the old bastard stir. Well, he was always stirring in his prison cell, as were we, but this time, he stirred with purpose. Thanks to the un butt tattoed, he was getting out, and we were just waiting around, hoping that we would get freed. But we both knew that, thanks to a combination of our own blind bad luck, our attitude and the tendency for destruction to follow us around like an overprotective mother in a red light gay bar, we were lucky to not simply executed.

"Ms Cherrilee? What does that statue represent?" The teacher, who I decided to call Cheer Lee, smiled at the student. With a start, I realised that she was talking about us! I mentally nudged Yoshimitsu, but failed to elicit a response.
"This statue represents madness and delirium, that causes disaster to everything."
Sempai, she's got our number.
Quiet you. She could hear us. I knew a teacher who could read your mind from across a full school hall.
That was your mother.
She was psychic. It was proven scientifically.

A few minutes after the group left, the old bastards statue shattered around him, and he stretched, causing his joints to click, clack, and fire machine guns. We couldn't blink, because we were statues.
Hey, Discord. Mind letting out your fellow inmates? We'd do the same for you, right, Tobi? I mentally nodded my assent.
"Just a moment, you crazy bastards. Now," here his eyes gleamed, "normally, I'm adverse to planning. But sometimes-" he snapped his fingers, and we shuddered as we felt cracks appear, "-you gotta be more predictable to be unpredictable. You're plan B now. You'll be released should there be a sufficient explosion of love energy, which might be likely with Celestia's adorable little pink niece. Ciao ciao, amigos." With that, he turned into a taco and exploded into a cloud of frogs.
Crazy old bastard.
Not much we can do about it, Sempai. While we waited for this...impossible event, I felt my mind drift, back to how this all began...

Tobi's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"Muguu..." I winged from my position in the back seat. Normally, I was the driver, but today, I was just barely sitting still, fiddling with my pimpin' costume. I mean, this was the first con where I'd dressed up, so I'd put a lot of effort into my costume. Next to me, my friend, Joe, groaned.
"Hey, Toby. Mind getting me some more ice? I feel like a fucking steak on a barbie." I complied, glad to have something to do with my hands. I'm a fidgeter, me. Don't like sitting still much at all. I was pretty hot myself, but at last my skin could breath in my costume. Joe, in his full glory, looked downright suicidal, sitting here in 40 degree Adelaide summer heat, wearing a full suit of armour. I was faring better, and Michael, our driver, was caring the best. The fuck didn't want to cosplay, instead just wearing a white shirt and blue jeans, the lazy costume of an L cosplayer. Apart from the mascara for the baggy, dark eyes, and the messy black hair, of course.

I was dressed as Tobi from Naruto. For a guy who'd never cosplayed in his life, my costume was pretty good. I'd bought the Akatsuki coat at the last con, and I'd pimped it out a bit. I know a guy who's a dab hand with a needle and thread, and he'd managed to get this thing to be comfortable and practical- there were so many pockets in this thing, it was like a commando vest turned inside out. The trousers were a nice shade of lilac, and the ninja shoes looked pimpin' as all hell. I personally liked the mask the best- not some cheap plastic mask, but a really nice one made of carved wood. Anybody who really looked into my eyehole would be greeted with the sight of a Sharingan looking back at them. It was a nice touch.

Josh, on the other hand, made his costume almost entirely from scratch. He'd hunted down some old Master Chief armour, took away the breast plate, upper arm guards and some shinguards, and spray painted them a pale, almost grey green. For the gloves, he'd found some old black leather gloves, and superglued on some plastic plates. He'd found some old military surplus boots, coloured them the same shade, and made detachable lace cover thingies. The helmet, he boasted to anybody who listened, was a custom designed, 3D printed graphene helmet he'd printed and made himself. The mouth even opened so that he could eat things with it. The sword was a katana that he'd bought at the con two years back on a spree, which he'd peace bond when he got to the con. It was a shame, as the sword was painted a bright, neon green that really looked like it was from the game.

Wh were finally at our chosen target- the Adelaide Convention Centre. I turned to my friend.
"You ready for this?" Josh snorted, already putting his helmet back on.
"I'm always ready." With that, we stepped out of the car to face our destiny.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, present day.

We'd been waiting for about three months. Normally, we'd have gone to sleep, or done something else in our heads, but now that Discord had given us a chance, we were chomping at the bit to go. Chomping at the bit... what an appropriate expression to use in a world of miniature horses. Beside me, Tobi was whining.
Sempai, when do we get out? I'm bored.
seek patience, young one, lest you be snapped up. I replied, keeping a shit eating grin in in my head.
Why are you always so mean to me, Sempai? Before I could reply, we felt something change in the prison, as a wave of pink magic washed over the area.
Oh yeah, there were all these black bug pony things around. No big deal. The important thing was, our prison cell was crumbling.
"Sempai! We're free! Free!" I grunted, lowering my arm and moving my shoulder around a lot. Staying in one position could have cramped me up badly. Next to me, Tobi was running around like a demented schoolboy, touching every single statue he could get his grubby little hands on. I walked over and swatted him.
"Sempai, why are you so mean to me?"
"Because you are my kohai and I have to teach you some respect." He perked up a tiny bit.
"So, what do you want to do now, Sempai?" I rubbed the chin of my mask, pondering my answer. We could always cause chaos, but that was what we'd done when we'd arrived. Not, exactly, our fault, you understand- it was simply whatever happened to us ended up exploding in our faces all the time.

Just then, we heard voices. On some unanimous decision, we jumped back onto our pedestal and reassumed our thousand year positions.
"Good to hear that all of this is over now. Right, where's the cake?" The two ponies who were walking around looked like chefs of some sort. They didn't even glance up at us.
"The cake? Oh, still at the bakery." I glanced over at Tobi. He nodded. An one, we took to silently shadowing the pair, going to the bakery with them. We were going to surprise the heck out of the guests at the reception with this one.
"Remember, no Russian."
"Got it, Sempai."

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"Okay, so how much for this sword?" I wanted that sword pretty badly. The thing would perfectly complement the rest of my costume. I didn't know what they'd done to the model wakizashi to make it look so much like my own, but it almost looked like it was made of light. Plus, the little jewels studded along its length lit up, like they had little less in them. The sword vendor rattled off a price, and I parted with some of my hard earned cash.
"Hey, Yoshimitsu! Check this out!" I turned to Toby, who was shoving his hand in my face.
"Check it." On his left thumb, he'd bought this little crystal ring that kind of looked like Tobi's. It shone with a cool purple light.
"Cost about fifty bucks. What a ripoff, I know, but it looks so cool!"
"Fifty bucks? Really? For a ring that you'll probably lose." Tobi just rubbed the back of his head awkwardly.

"That ring... it's the exact colour of Twilight Sparkle." Behind my helmet, I scowled. Creepy brony fucker. I turned around, and beheld the gigantic ham beast. Seriously, this guy was every single offensive neck beard stereotype rolled into one- fat, pony shirt, dressed like a schoolgirl and holding a pony body pillow at his side. He directed his piggy eyes at my sword.
"How did you get a katana that is coloured exactly like Applejack's eyes?"
"Dude, I'm Yoshimitsu, not an alcoholic drink." Body Pillow wasn't listening and tries to steal my sword.
"It's perfect..." I was more than a little disturbed by the dribble coming out of his mouth.
"Get your greasy fat fingers off my katana, you fat fuck!"
"Give it here!" Hambeast was now sweating profusely. It disturbed me. I could smell cum, Cheetos and cheap aftershave on his fat, sweaty hands. With a final wrench, I tore my wakizashi away from him, accidentally slamming into Tobi.
"You're a seriously fucking creepy dude. No way am I giving you my Sasori ring." It seems that Tobi was being harassed by another hambeast. I looked around. We were being surrounded by creepy hambeasts, all looking at us with fury and lust in their eyes. With a gargantuan effort, I held my sword out.
"GO THE FUCK AWAY!" We screamed in unison, attempting to repel the hambeast horde. My sword and his ring glowed, and suddenly we were falling backwards.

Celestia's P.O.V, present day.

Everything was going perfectly. Despite the invasion of the Changeling Queen and her brood, the power of love had finally repelled the Changelings. Even though I did lose, it was only so that others could beat her in a more conclusive manner than a stun blast to the face. Sure, it might have worked, but sometimes it had to be more... conclusive. I watched the proceedings with joy in my heart. It was always a miracle, what love could accomplish. No matter what, love would always come through, like friendship.

Speaking of friendship, my faithful student and her friends were apologising. I already felt guilty enough for blowing Twilight's concerns off. My inadvertent betrayal stung both of us deeply. Still, there was always cake for that. Beside me, Luna watched in trepidation. Just as the cake was wheeled in, one of the guards came up, panting. I reluctantly tore my eyes from the cake, and gave Luna a silent signal to continue watching the festivities. Whatever this was, I was obliged to listen to one of my guards.

"What is it, my little pony?" He got his breath back quickly.
"Princess, we were just patrolling through the gardens, and it seems as if a statue is... missing."
That's not good.
"Which statue has gone missing?" The guard looked at me.
"We believe it to be the statue of madness-"
"SURPRISE!" The awful, awful sound of two voices that I'd never expected to hear again rang out, along with a 'splodge' sound. My heart stopped beating. I looked in the direction of the cake, not believing the evidence of my own ears.

Standing tall and proud, covered in icing and scraps of cake, were two tall, Minotaur-like figures. One of them was wearing an orange, swirling mask with a black and red coat, while the other was clad in grey armour with a sword. I face hoofed.
Of all the POSSIBLE worst things to happen on this occasion, it HAS to be those two?!

Author's Note:

I regret nothing, for I am an Immaculate Egret.