Screw the rules we're on a road trip.

by Ssendam the Masked

Wish you were here- Stalliongrad (also a crossover of sorts)

Celestia looked at the letter in her magical aura and sighed. It was addressed to her in extremely sloppy writing, covered in stamps and stinking of vodka. The thing is, the letter was from Tobi and Yoshimitsu, the Twin Terrors of complete and utter insanity and on par with Discord in how much destruction they could cause. Reluctantly, she opened the envelope.

Hello, Celestia! Wish you were here in Stalliongrad! It's awesome here, wouldn't you say?
I agree. Totes awesome. Anyway, would you BELIEVE who we met?
We met Giantdad! And we went drinking with him and took some pictures. Well, it sort of went like this...

Tobi's P.O.V

I looked at the fortress, concealed within a tree. High walls and a passport check. It seems that it was going to be hard to infiltrate. Well, for people who weren't total badasses such as ourselves. I scouted around for a bit then returned to Yoshimitsu-sempai.
"Well, sempai, what do we do now? Give up, right on the cusp of victory?"
Yoshimitsu shook his head. "I've heard of something called pierogi. And borscht. It shall be our mission to go in and acquire these delicious Soviet foods of Soviet Sovietness."

It was at this point that we saw the simple words:

You have been invaded by Giantdad.

float by our vision.

For a few seconds, we just stood there, not wanting to believe it. We then just... sort of gave up.
"Giantdad? Really? Freaking GIANTDAD?"
I nodded. "It's kind of a weird costume choice, you know."
The black and red phantom appeared and we stopped talking. Full Giant's Armour, Havel's Ring, Ring of Favour and Protection, and of course the Mask of the Father. Held in his mighty hands was the simple Zweihander. On his back, a Grass Crest Shield, so that his stamina just... kept coming back. He spread his arms wide, challenging us.

"Whoa whoa whoa. Let's not be hasty, mr Giantdad. Maybe you should take a break from murdering casuls-"
Giantdad swung his mighty Zweihander through several trees, leaving a clean cut at the word 'casul.'
I continued regardless. "-I mean, the casuls aren't going to be killed by somebody else, are they?"
Giantdad paused, then nodded, sheathing his sword.

Yoshimitsu nodded. "I have a way into Stalliongrad. It'll work."
He explained the plan to us. Giantdad looked mildly horrified, but that might have been his mask.
I grinned. "That plan is totally awesome. Alright, mr Giantdad, you should probably go with Yoshimitsu-sempai. And I'll go on my lonesome."
With that, we applied our henges.

Vodka Shotski was your typical red blooded Hoofiet stallion. He drank copious amounts of vodka everyday, enough for it to be his Special Talent. Thanks to his Earth Pony physiology, he could metabolise alcohol at an incredible rate, and never suffer from a hangover. Today, he was trying a new alcohol that had been presented to him as a gift by unlawful intruders- something called absinthe. So far it seemed to be pretty good, and with the sugarcube he was at least having some solid food.

"Greetings." He looked up and his eyes widened. Standing in front of him was a gigantic ushanka hat, with another one just behind it. It even had the Hammer and Sickle emblem that the founder of Stalliongrad, Steel Stallion, had possessed!
"We are giant ushanka. We would like to enter Stalliongrad right about now."
Shakily, he opened the border control gate. The giant ushanka just walked right on through.
"Thank you, comrade. We hate gay people and capitalists, don't worry."
Vodka Shotski waved them through with a dazed look on his face, his own ushanka tilted. He then glared at his absinthe bottle. Slowly, deliberately, he poured it out and took out a bottle of glorious Hoofiet vodka, unstoppered it and drank most of the bottle.

Never again. Absinthe, not even once.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V

That was significantly easier then we expected. We walked through the town in our gigantic ushanka henges, and we decided to act as Russian as we could.
"SUKA!"
"SUKA!"
We do not know much about Russians.
Fortunately, the Hoofiet ponies were just so confused about our being giant ushanka that they let the 'suka' thing slide.
Also, there were bears on unicycles. I really wish I was making that part up.
"Goddamn it, Family Guy. Just... goddamn it."
The one thing Seth Mcfarlane HAD to get partially right was the prevalence of bears on unicycles. What next, Equestrian sleeper agents that activated when the trigger phrase 'gee, that Italian family over there sure is quiet?'
...actually, that would be fucking awesome. We tipped the bears with a couple of donuts and took pictures of everything.

It was then that I saw it. "Tobi."
Tobi looked at me. "Yes, Yoshimitsu'sempai?"
"They have a vodka tap."
Tobi grinned. "wait, you're shitting me."
"I shit you not, it's there." I pointed. Tobi looked at the vodka tap, surrounded by huge, burly ponies sleeping it off.
'I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Yoshimitsu-sempai."
With that, Stalliongrad was greeted with the sight of two Ushanka hats apparently drinking form the communal vodka tap.

Canterlot
Celestia looked over the photos. One was of the two of them and this 'Giantdad' fellow, swigging down bottles of vodka. Another photo was of them doing some sort of bizarre dance on top of the Kremlin. Yet another was of them spray-painting a rainbow with the words 'Gay Pride' on the outer walls.

She turned back to the letter.

Craziest two days we spent there.
Would you believe that we got sent to a gulag?
Apparently we insulted the mayor by calling him a 'Capitalist pigdog.' Eh, no biggie, we got out anyway.
And we got him back. To see what we done, please refer to the next photo on.

Tobi's P.O.V
"Okay, smile for the camera!"
The mayor, a bushy moustached pony, was weeping. "Please, have some semblance of mercy! Have you no decency in your souls?"
Yoshimitsu-sempai shook his head. "Mercy? What's that?"
We took the picture, of the mayor in a dress. Not just any dress; this was a real streetwalker dress and everything. He even had make-up on! We'd barged in on him putting the dress on, and our thoughts of revenge had been put out of mind entirely. What egg throwing?

It was hilarious. He gripped me. "Please, don't show them to the public I couldn't live with the shame of my biggest secret getting out..."
Yoshimitsu-sempai shook his head. "We're not going to show it to your people."
He looked hopeful for a second. "Celestia bless you-"
Yoshimitsu-sempai tapped his chin. "Funny you should say that, she's the intended audience."
He turned to me. "Are the photos of our trip taken yet, Tobi?"
I saluted. "Aye aye, sir! It's a go-go!" With that, I jumped out of the window and ran for the post office. Once there, I slapped on as many stamps as I could and threw the mail at the nearest pegasus.
"Express delivery to Canterlot Castle, please."

Giantdad had disappeared, we don't know where to, but wherever he was, he was going to kill many casuls. I saluted him in my heart while I started stealing whatever wasn't currently on fire, which was just about everything. I shoved it all into my pocket dimension, sure that it would be useful someday in the near future.

With that, I returned to Yoshimitsu-sempai. "It's been delivered, sempai! We should go!"
Yoshimitsu nodded. "indeed. I hear that there's some train tracks to the frozen north that we can follow."

Canterlot

...as for where we're going, we're not telling. Wish you were here in Stalliongrad, Tobi and Yoshimitsu.
Celestia stared at the letter for a short time, then sighed. At least they weren't just going on a rampage. She slipped the letter away so that she could think on more important matters-

A guard burst into the throne room, panting heavily. Celestia looked at him. "What is it, my little pony?"
He regained his breath, then simply said, "The Crystal Empire has returned."
As that bombshell dropped, Celestia's eyes hardened.
"Understood. Leave me now. I shall inform the Elements of Harmony."
As the guard left, she quickly scratched down a letter. It had slipped her mind that Stalliongrad was relatively close to where the former Empire had once stood...

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V

We both winced as we felt something appear right out in the middle of the tundra, several miles away.
"Did you feel that?"
Tobi nodded, Sharingan blazing.
"It feels as if something interesting has happened."
Tobi gave the impression of grinning. "So, standard policy?"
I grinned behind my mask. "Heck yeah."
With that, we gunned the engine and shot off for our destination.

Comments

[Omega Delta]

[spy11887]

Don't mind us, just chilling with Giantdad in Stalliongrad (Lol rhyme.) Wish you were here.

[glue_maker]

awwwwww no drunk "i love you man" or bare knuckle brawl?

oh well so, $5 says they try t take over the crystal empire. (which is really more of a single castle with a small village if you think about it)

[Obsidian Quill]

These two at the Crystal Empire...

[Bookish_Devil]

Vodka on tap the dream survives!

[rikusorasephiroth]

When I'm done dealing with the wedding I don't want to attend, the latest solo chapter for my fic and the crossover chapter with SCP Pinkamena, I'll have to do a crossover with you.

Also, HIDDEN LEAF VILLAGE SECRET FINGER JUTSU: THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!!!!

[Ssendam the Masked]

4392534
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/753/868/b9f.gif

[Blight Shallow]

Imma laugh if they take control of the crystal empire after taking sombra out of the picture.

[Dubious]

*Pelts Author with vodka* Make more-ski! *Doesn't know much about Russians either*

[Selias]

Is that Giantdad from another story, or did you just make him for this chapter? If it's the first, could I get a link?

[Ssendam the Masked]

4393369
Giantdad is not an officially used character. Malideus summoned him, and Solaire will likely encounter him, due to him being from Solaire.

[Selias]

4393461
That's a shame. A story about The Legend would have been pretty funny.

[xluferx]

They will be the heroes of the crystal empire

[Ruby Rose]

Just so you guys know, suka means bitch and if you want, I can send you a recipe for both of those mentioned meals.

I'm suddenly proud of being Slavish.

[Smurf]

i don't know who to feel sorry for, the crystal ponies or Sombra

[Super-Brony12]

Those two? At the Crystal Empire's resurrection?

May there be mercy for all of those poor souls.

~ Super-Brony12

[Lion Tale]

Suddenly, I want to play Red Orchestra 2: Heroes of Stalingrad now. Fun, yet complicated and difficult game.

[Leviatah-13]

4394171 sombra god have mercy on his soul

[Lord_Kalbario]

Pics or it ain't happened l

[Pencyke]

Those Crystal ponies are coming closer to being mined with every second…

[Mosqueefo]

4393369 giantdad \/
img.4plebs.org/boards/tg/image/1383/97/1383978990792.gif

[Selias]

4398161 I know who Giantdad is. I was just wondering if there was another one of these stories that starred a guy who dressed as him.

[Mosqueefo]

4398191 I don't think there is one...

[Yasahiro]

4394124

I shall not be outdone!

I can the same thing!

[Vigriff]

4392968 3. Profit.

[Dragonlover553]

"It feels as if something interesting has happened."

This would have been funnier as "My Significance Sense is tingling."