• Published 8th Feb 2014
  • 12,739 Views, 524 Comments

Screw the rules we're on a road trip. - Ssendam the Masked



Evil cosplaying humans go on a road trip round Equestria.

  • ...
57
 524
 12,739

Screw you guys, we're leaving.

Tobi's P.O.V, Present Day.

I laughed as the ponies around us screamed. From what I could see, most of them were stuck up assholes who probably had some sort of sick fetish back home. That's what poor people like us have, what with the Internet and all, so why should the rich be any different? Beside me, Yoshimitsu hopped around on one leg, rolling his head at the passersby.
"NAMU!" It sounded really scary with the magical voice distorter that he had going on in his helmet. It looked like fun, so I joined in.
"BANZAI! BANZAI!" A sizzling bolt of blue magic came at us, but I escaped the blast by jumping onto a screaming noble's head, then hopping onto the ground.

"Ah, why did you do that?" In response, the dark blue wingie horsie snorted at us.
"Thou hast the audacity to ask that, Delirium?" I blinked in confusion at that.
"Delirium? Look, lady, you got the wrong guy. I'm Tobi!" To clarify, I waved a hand around myself, indicating my clearly being Tobi, not this 'Delirium' tosser.
"Thine name may have been Tobi a thousand years past, but many ponies here know you by the label of 'Delirium.' You earned it, after all." Luna looked a little sick. "And you may be keeping your title for a while yet." In response, I wiggled my fingers at her face, while letting the blast she fired at me next phase through me harmlessly. If I didn't want to get harmed, then I just let things go through me. The gasp from every single pony present that I just ignored one of their sovereigns laser blasts sounded hilarious. Unfortunately, I had business to do.
"Wait, you called me 'Delirium?' When was I called that?" Celestia piped up.
"You were called that about five hundred years later, by a professional sculptor."
"And Yoshimitsu? What did you call him, the hunter?" Luna glared at Yoshi, who waved at her cheerily.
"He is Madness, the rage that dwells within those who seek to destroy."
"Sounds fucking awesome, but the name is Yoshimitsu. It's the name that I took when I got here."

Deciding to head off the pass, I spoke with the Bat Princess.
"Look, Lulu, obviously you've been smoking too much pot lately. That's cool. We would have smoked pot, had we not been statues." Yoshimitsu chimed in with his bit.
"Yeah, seriously, a thousand years as some crummy statue? And being fully conscious the whole time? Not cool, lady." She looked at him.
"You're dancing on our subjects heads, you know. Or didst thou forget that while talking to Us?" Huh. Was he really? I looked over. He was indeed, jumping from one head to another. Stomping on the bourgeoisie- Lenin would be so proud.
"That's just my way. Besides, a thousand years being fully conscious does a bloody wonder for your psyche, my dear." I chimed in.
"We humans have a saying: Madness is like gravity- all it takes is a little... push." I nodded sagely, pleased to be dispensing the wisdom of the Sainted Heath Ledger (may God rest his soul.) Luna looked confused. I expected her to be- she was the princess that Equestria deserved, not the one that it needed.

"Um, Princess?" I turned around. There was a purple unicorn looking at me with an expression that screamed lots of things. Her face said things like, 'what is going on,' 'who are these dudes,' and my personal favourite, 'I don't know that quotation.' I laughed at her. She looked hilarious. I don't know why. She just did.

She seemed offended.
"What in the name of the Princesses' is so funny?" She demanded, getting all up in my grill. In response, I fell on my ass while retreating. It was a valid response. Yoshimitsu jumped back onto the cake, squishing it a bit (I heard Mighty Whitey give a small groan.)
"You. You're trying to intimidate Tobi." I giggled, pleased that my Sempai was explaining. Of course, Purple Smart just looked more confused.
"Why would he not be frightened?" Yoshimitsu sat down, spun around, and teleported right onto her back, causing her to recoil in horror. Hardly missing a step, he bounced onto the ball of his left foot as he explained.
"Tobi is a fucking fearless sunnuvabitch. This guy walked up to the Princesses and demanded a sandwich." I pouted behind my mask.
"Sempai, I'm bored."
"I am too, kohai." Purple Smart looked confused at our Japanophilic behaviour. Yoshimitsu and I turned to Mighty Whitey, and in unison, we said, "This wedding is boring, we're leaving."

Twilight's P.O.V, Present Day.

I stared at the two strange creatures as they just kept talking in gibberish. They were like two Pinkie Pie's, only taller, male and apparently dangerous enough to warrant the Elements of Harmony. I charged a simple, basic stunner and fired it at the green one, who simply turned around and-
Wait a minute.
I stared, open mouthed, as he simply pulled out his sword and cut through my spell like it was some sort of arrow, the two halves spreading out and hitting Prince Blueblood and some random noble. This time, the gasp was mainly from me and my friends.
"How could he have just cut through a spell like that?" I stammered out, shocked at how easily he'd destroyed my spell.
"Oh, how unfortunate..." I heard Rarity gush in mock sympathy for Blueblood. The green creature, with its malformed head just... kept grinning.
"Nice little sneak attack." That horrible, horrible distorted voice cut through me like a knife.
"Sempai! That was so awesome!"
"My skills are only equal to the gods themselves, as long as I have my swords with me." The impish Tobi nodded.
"Oh, sempai, you should really be more humble." There was that word again. Sempai. It bugged me, like an odontalgia.
"Um, excuse me, but what is a, um, 'Sempai?'" They stared at me. I shuffled back a bit from their accusing glare.

"It doesn't matter what it means, Twilight. If the Princesses themselves think that they're a danger, then we've gotta keep them here at any cost." Applejack, bless her, reminded me of the crux of the problem. I planted my hooves in an aggressive stance, and flared my horn up, already choosing some choice spells.
"I am Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic. Behind me are my friends. We have defeated far greater threats than yourselves before, and we'll defeat you again!" Before I could finish, Rainbow Dash swooped back.
"Yeah! You got that, you big clowns? We'll buck you into next week!" Tobi turned to Yoshimitsu.
"Hey, you think that's-"
"Yep, looks like the colours are all right."
"Wow, I'd have thought that his descendants would be unicorns, not pegasi."

Rainbow Dash seemed to take offence to that.
"And who would that be?" Tobi coughed.
"You look like Star Swirl the Bearded's descendant." My horn dimmed down as my brain tried to process that statement. Rainbow Dash was descended from Star Swirl the Bearded? Rainbow Dash was descended from Star Swirl the Bearded.
"I... whuh... memememewat?" My cerebral cortex was apparently malfunctioning. Tobi and the other one just looked at each other, nodded, and bolted. I shook my head, distressed that they'd chosen such an easy distraction. Still, this warranted an investigation.

Yoshimitsu seemed to be the faster one, in spite of his body armour. He just jumped over the nobles, walking over them with incredibly quick and graceful hoof steps. Rainbow Dash seemed to be chasing after him, without much success. Every charge she tried, he simply jumped over. It was starting to annoy her. Unfortunately, Yoshimitsu was proving pretty hard to capture. He taunted her, goading her to slam into a wall and laughing at her. He was treating it as a big game, and with his skill, it might as well have been a game.

Tobi, on the other hand, was a different story, simply because of that annoying spell of his. His unique spell seemed to allow him to move out of synch with the rest of reality, almost being like a ghost as he flitted through the crowd. Anypony who got in his way was simply phased through, with no ill effects. The Princess hovered overhead, afraid to shoot a thaumic lance into the crowd for fear of injuring one of her subjects in the crossfire.

What really annoyed me was how... childish these beings were. At least Discord took most of everything seriously, but these clowns were just messing around. Something had to be done, but it was going to be hard with the nobles in the way...
Hang on a minute. Closing my eyes, I focused on the nearby street. My horn built up charge, glowed with power... then, in a flash, the entire population of noble ponies within the building was teleported outside. Yoshimitsu crashed to the floor and rolled to avoid Rainbow's latest flyby, while Tobi just looked around, confused. I smirked. This Cutie Mark wasn't for show, you clowns.
"Where'd all the bourgeoisie go?" I lifted an eyebrow at the word.
"Don't know, sempai." Princess Celestia, in spite of her injury, walked forwards calmly.
"You have caused a lot of destruction and terror for a couple of so-called 'innocents.' Maybe you should explain yourselves?" In response, Tobi gripped Yoshimitsu. Celestia, in a rare moment of absolute panic, tried to reach them, but-
"Doton: Hiding like a Mole spell!"
- they disappeared into the ground like a Diamond Dog.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"Guh..." I moaned, stretching and sitting up. Beside me, Toby woke up with an eloquent sentence:
"What in the holy burning crotch of Mary Mother of Jesus with gonorrhoea was that?" I chuckled.
"Nice swear." Toby huffed, removing his mask and wiping off sweat.
"Seriously, what happened? One minute, we're surrounded by more ham than a meat aisle in the Christmas season, and the next, we're... wherever this is." I removed my helmet for a better look, and my jaw fell slack.

Surrounding us was a real creepy forest, like something out of a video game or fairy tale. Dark green leaves, large amount of grass, no visible path... it was like some sort of invisible giant had plucked us from the con and placed us here. I goggled at it all with Toby.
"It's beautiful." With that comment, I forcefully snapped myself out of it.
"Yes, and it's dangerous as well. We don't even know where we are. Do you have your phone?" Toby searched his pockets, at first confidently, then frantically.
"Shit. Whoever took us must have taken my phone." He pulled out his wallet and opened it.
"They left a bloody fifty in here. And my credit card's still present. Why ignore that and take a crappy old iPhone?" I shrugged.
"Beats me."
"Hey, do you have yours?" I dug my hands into my pockets, probing. No luck- apparently, my wallet and keys weren't important, but my phone was.

Toby ran a hand through his hair.
"Oh, god, we're really fucked, aren't we?" I looked him in the eye.
"Toby-" I didn't finish, as I saw what else had been left.
"...What?"
"Your ring."
"My ring?"
"Yes, your hundred dollar rip off ring. Why didn't they take that?" Toby examined his left hand. Sure enough, the ring was still on his left thumb. He blinked.
"Huh. How'd that happen?" I was about to respond, when I remembered something else about him.
"Your eyes are red."
"Yes, they're called contacts mate."
"Well, they look... more red. Like, they're a part of your eye now or some shit." Toby rolled his eyes, the little pinwheels in them spinning as he did so.
"Relax, I'll take them-" his voice died out when he discovered that his eyes had apparently absorbed his contacts. He looked at me.
"Well, fuck."
I couldn't agree more.

Author's Note:

I would really like of somebody could draw some decent cover art for this. I mean, it's appropriate, but really. I want a suitably goofy looking picture of Tobi air-humping while Yoshimitsu is all mysterious and badass. That'd be the most appropriate cover image.