Make a Wish
Make a Wish
Its a lonely world that was growing quite full.
Even with all these ponies it was terribly dull.
But this is not a problem for a certain mare,
For she lights up during the darkest times like a flare.
But even our heroine has her falls,
Although she is never alone and all she has to do is call.
With her friends she will never fail.
She is invincible with their care.
But even friendship cant stop death.
A poor orange mare was put to eternal rest.
A storm unlike any other was seen at the farm.
Throwing apples all across the lawn.
While they hurt and bruised it was nothing more.
Until a barrel hit the door.
With it wide open and the wind blowing.
The storm took up the house and started growing.
Once the storm settled down,
Various ponies came from the town.
The six friends were now five.
Forever now they would brood for the rest of their lives.
Each choosing their own, what ifs and what now,
especially a certain blue pegasus thinking about it just right now.
Their days went on but Death was not done.
Soon another friend was was forever gone.
The bright pink one full of laughter and smiles,
was now underwater for hundreds of miles.
On a quest to find the perfect guest.
Her grand party only missing a single pony for the best.
Who knew that the boat would tip?
Especially one that could not flip?
The boat was rocked back and forth.
Tossed in the waves while heading north.
During its highest peak in the ocean,
It caused quiet a commotion.
That was the last time the boat was ever seen,
Gone forever in the ocean green.
Yet again the used to be six now became four.
And soon they decided on doing a tour.
A tour to see the world despite the cost,
in hopes to grant peace from their loss.
But this was not the end,
for death came and took another friend.
She wore to most fabulous dress of all,
But because of it she took a great fall.
On the wall she stood steadfast.
Who knew it would be her last?
From up high she saw many views.
The morning sky tinted with different hues.
It was then she did not notice.
The young fellow with the mark of a lotus.
Entranced he was by her dress,
He soon put her into distress.
Accidentally knocking her off the wall he stopped and yelled.
But nothing could save her from that fall, and he surly knew he was heading to Hell.
Soon the fashion mare joined the others in the afterlife tree,
now the group was reduced to three.
From six to three nopony could handle it,
Soon the remaining friends started to have fits.
But no matter the pain they pushed on through.
The three remaining friends stayed true.
Together they helped each other stand back up.
For soon came the Winter wrap up.
The farms were quiet this year,
and the birds nest look quite dreary.
The frozen lakes were left untouched.
Nopony was in a high mood during brunch.
With winter done and the wounds still sore.
It only made sense that Death came around once more.
A young dragon saw it with his own eyes,
The death caused by a block of ice.
Who knew a simple fall would cost so much.
Even if it was just a small touch.
The impact of a mare's head hitting the floor.
One would think it would only leave a sore.
But it soon turned out to be,
Something nopony could have foreseen.
A tumor inside her burst from her tumble,
leaving her head in a jumble.
Unable to walk or speak, only to receive and never give.
The poor purple mare soon lost the will to live.
All that was left were two flying creatures.
Each losing their special features.
The once shy and kind mare now dominates the bar,
Drinking heavy cider trying to bring her pain to par.
While the once loyal mare soon left her behind,
hoping her wounds would heal with time.
Months have passed with the colorful mare,
She soon meet her soon to be husband at a county fair.
Then came the day, in a field of mares and colts.
The wonderful day of the tryouts for the Wonderbolts.
With her husband in tow and her head held high,
She finally got her wish she held for a long time.
The wish where she put everything on the line,
just to be with the Wonderbolts this time.
More months have passed since her first performance.
Her fame carried far and wide with her radiance.
But it was all for naught.
For it was time she was taught.
Death came to her but not as a guide to the afterlife, nay
Only to tell her about her last friend, about what happened when she left that day.
Heartbroken the yellow pegasus was,
Even her bunny could not find the cause.
Soon she was a raging drinker.
Soon she was not a very good thinker.
In the time of need she thought of a plan to end her grief,
A plan to end all of her pain with a simple knife.
Days passed until somepony took her route,
But by then her spark of life was already snuffed out.
Now the group is longer whole.
For now it is a single soul.
'Why Death?' The cyan mare cried out.
'Why do you force me to cry and shout?!'.
'Do you not remember about your wish?'
'The one about you offering everything for the Wonderbolts? Even as something as small as fish?'
'You don't mean what i think your meaning!' The mare said with a scoff.
'Right? You don't really thi-' But she was cut off.
'Such naive young foal, have you forgotten the deal?'
'The one about no matter what happens as long as you get your wish. no matter which pony kneels?'
She was hit with an invisible blow.
One that left her hollow.
All these years she cursed bad luck.
Only to find out...'BUCK!'
'This is not fair!' She wailed.
'Its completely fair, and you should know that it was you, that failed.'
But she could not bare the news.
She soon took off leaving her crew.
Hours upon hours she flew.
In hopes of finding all the clues.
But no matter what she did she knew.
Her friends took the price her going askew.
Her loyalty was shattered on the spot.
She soon let herself fall from the sky, her cheeks getting hot.
'Poor mare.' Death mocked towards her.
'Did you not know? You should always think about what you wish for.'
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- Magicolt808 · 2.9k words · 28 1 · 1.3k views
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Please give me feedback on my story no matter how harsh it may be. I actually want you to try to destroy my story so that next time I know what to do. Have a good day everyone.
My god. It's like MLD. This is sad. A short yet crical fic. Godspeed and goodluck.
I have to say, its surprisingly emotional. That and your ability to write in poetic form is amazing in and of itself, I know not of many who can still write in these ways.
436592 WOW. Ok let me give you my thought on the whole thing.
1. I like how you made this more like a poem than a written story. It made me read in a type of rhythm that I find to grow accustomed to in sad stories. Though you did extend some rhymes and disrupted the flow, the pace was kept the same nicely and I applaud you for trying hard.
2. The story itself was great in concept and I feel like you executed it very well. You kept the theme and the premise out and in front for everyone to understand and I like how simple it was and how advanced it seemed. Simplicity is what most people overlook and you made it seem rather beautiful.
3. I believe the ending was more generic than original (this is only my opinion of course). Maybe ending it with Rainbow, herself, falling into the abyss of her own madness. Something along those lines would have made it stronger but again this was a great story overall.
Bravo and Encore! For your first story, I felt the power you had going into this and I believe that you tried your hardest and the payoff was great. Good Job.
436644
436601
Thanks guys, but if you don't mind me asking. What part of the story was the most emotional in your opinion? And how was it emotional?
436657 All the ponies dieing. I mean the feelings of the others. And that death stuff. It was emotnial in the way that you feel when someone dies.
436650
Thanks Magic, Yeah i had problems trying to find rhymes to go with everything and even now i catch myself trying to rhyme in the comments.
I tried to think of a better non-generic ending but seeing as how i built the whole story around that one ending it would have seemed off to suddenly shift gears, and also i had just finished rhyming everything to the best of my ability.
And your idea about Dash falling into her own madness? She could have lived you know. I just wrote she started to fall. *edit*
436681 Nonononono. i meant that that is what would have happened later.And who is to tell me I can't interoperate it like that?
436707
Bah! i meant to say that your idea could have happened and i thought you thought she died. This sounded better in my head.
436721 Well good story nonetheless. I now have to do dishes so I will talk to you later.
The Story was more of a rhyming story than a poem, caught somewhere in between, I like the idea of an MLP epic, but try to use an actual poem scheme, other than that, a little dark, but great.
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Thank you guys for your feedback.
As for you Agentreilly2000 i completely agree, honestly i was following no format as this was made (later wrote down) while i was half asleep and in a creative mode. I am fairly new to poems and Epics. For my next story ill make sure to follow a proper format.
Also i will gladly accept any ideas for the next upcoming Epic/poem so feel free to message me yours.
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This was the greatest poem i have ever read; i mean it.
nice story
A very nice poem. I can't really say much more than that. Nice work.
Even though it wasn't really a story it was still very good. I love poem sort of stories like this. Very well done you have earned my thumb and my favourite.
437677 yeah but you'll have to get me in chat tomorrow (also, would you be willing to edit a fic?
)
437107 And I would like to thank you as I've hit a wall with my new story and this has helped me come up with something.
437753 Sounds good I will do that.
so what happend to spike, also this has gotta be the most saddest story i read for a while
Wow! That was good. Sad but good.
Your story. I have but one question: Why do the people who write tales not conjure up a simple poem rather than a long or short story? The backstory was well done, the rhyming was in rhythm except for a few lines, the ending was probably the most thought-provoking yet best part. The way you foreshadowed her death even before the tryouts was smart but a little forced for me. When you underlined the word, it automatically played the end of the story and just felt like a quick way out rather than letting the readers feels bit confused and letting their brains work. The dialogue was a little Shakespearian (lol) but the best of all was Death. You portrayed him like Discord: cunning and despicable. It sounds like reality: 'every word you breathe shall be defined and held in your will when the time comes.' It makes it seem that Death was playing with her the whole time just to ruin her psyche to lose, ultimately ending her and her friends as an added bonus.
Like I said, I shall upload the review here. nice job. 4 of 5
472954
Thanks for your review and i can explain a few things.
I forcefully explained and underlined words was so that the few readers that *ahem* were to slow to pick up did not get left behind. There have been stories that did what i did but without the assistance of pointing out the hint leaving me clueless even after finishing the story. Also i had no idea what i was doing with Death but I am glad you enjoyed him (or her?) so its good to know how i should keep him.
Again thanks for the review!
Fantastic, not the most creative thing to say, but I'm at a loss for words
I love the poetic nature in which you write, i'm a sucker for that style, and you execute it beautifully
The short and sweet nature of it is something I as a writer somewhat can envy, as I am not one for short stories, although I wish i could write them
This story literally brought a smile to my face, and did so without havng to be a 13 chapter epic, which I something I can admire.
I can say with the utmost sincerity that this story was a beautiful piece of writing, and I cannot wait to see more from you
As you always say, mate. BRAVO AND ENCORE
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WOW, this made my head spin (which im kinda worried about, might be going the same way as......
) but seriously brilliant, very nice, my only critism is that the rythm need's adjusting, look up roman poetry, that might give you soem ideas to make it roll of the tounge more easily
FANTASTIC!!!!!
Twas sad, I know, but good nonetheless, I just hope you know....
damnit, can't think of anythign else!
http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn105/walkseva/ManlyTearsHaveBeenShed.jpg
...I'm never wishing for anything ever again.
That was amazing…
I'm feeling a mix of sadness for Dash, sadness for the rest of the Mane 6, and a heavy urge to sit down and cry