• Member Since 20th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Dezmo


Typical Brony doing Brony things.

T
Source

This Rainbow mare wished upon a star,
not knowing what was looming just afar.

She soon forgot about her little pact,
Never knowing it would actually come back.

Here is the tale about the young mare,
When all she got was a lot of despair.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 32 )

Please give me feedback on my story no matter how harsh it may be. I actually want you to try to destroy my story so that next time I know what to do. Have a good day everyone.

My god. It's like MLD. This is sad. A short yet crical fic. Godspeed and goodluck.

I have to say, its surprisingly emotional. That and your ability to write in poetic form is amazing in and of itself, I know not of many who can still write in these ways. :ajsmug:

436592 WOW. Ok let me give you my thought on the whole thing.
1. I like how you made this more like a poem than a written story. It made me read in a type of rhythm that I find to grow accustomed to in sad stories. Though you did extend some rhymes and disrupted the flow, the pace was kept the same nicely and I applaud you for trying hard.
2. The story itself was great in concept and I feel like you executed it very well. You kept the theme and the premise out and in front for everyone to understand and I like how simple it was and how advanced it seemed. Simplicity is what most people overlook and you made it seem rather beautiful.
3. I believe the ending was more generic than original (this is only my opinion of course). Maybe ending it with Rainbow, herself, falling into the abyss of her own madness. Something along those lines would have made it stronger but again this was a great story overall.

Bravo and Encore! For your first story, I felt the power you had going into this and I believe that you tried your hardest and the payoff was great. Good Job.

436644
436601
Thanks guys, but if you don't mind me asking. What part of the story was the most emotional in your opinion? And how was it emotional?

436657 All the ponies dieing. I mean the feelings of the others. And that death stuff. It was emotnial in the way that you feel when someone dies.

436650
Thanks Magic, Yeah i had problems trying to find rhymes to go with everything and even now i catch myself trying to rhyme in the comments.

I tried to think of a better non-generic ending but seeing as how i built the whole story around that one ending it would have seemed off to suddenly shift gears, and also i had just finished rhyming everything to the best of my ability.

And your idea about Dash falling into her own madness? She could have lived you know. I just wrote she started to fall. *edit*

436681 Nonononono. i meant that that is what would have happened later.And who is to tell me I can't interoperate it like that?

436707
Bah! i meant to say that your idea could have happened and i thought you thought she died. This sounded better in my head.

436721 Well good story nonetheless. I now have to do dishes so I will talk to you later.

The Story was more of a rhyming story than a poem, caught somewhere in between, I like the idea of an MLP epic, but try to use an actual poem scheme, other than that, a little dark, but great.

436846
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Thank you guys for your feedback.
As for you Agentreilly2000 i completely agree, honestly i was following no format as this was made (later wrote down) while i was half asleep and in a creative mode. I am fairly new to poems and Epics. For my next story ill make sure to follow a proper format.

Also i will gladly accept any ideas for the next upcoming Epic/poem so feel free to message me yours.

A very nice poem. I can't really say much more than that. Nice work.

Even though it wasn't really a story it was still very good. I love poem sort of stories like this. Very well done you have earned my thumb and my favourite. :twilightsheepish:

437677 yeah but you'll have to get me in chat tomorrow (also, would you be willing to edit a fic?:fluttershysad:)

437107 And I would like to thank you as I've hit a wall with my new story and this has helped me come up with something. :twilightblush:

437753 Sounds good I will do that.

so what happend to spike, also this has gotta be the most saddest story i read for a while:fluttershysad:

Wow! That was good. Sad but good.

Your story. I have but one question: Why do the people who write tales not conjure up a simple poem rather than a long or short story? The backstory was well done, the rhyming was in rhythm except for a few lines, the ending was probably the most thought-provoking yet best part. The way  you foreshadowed her death even before the tryouts was smart but a little forced for me. When you underlined the word, it automatically played the end of the story and just felt like a quick way out rather than letting the readers feels bit confused and letting their brains work. The dialogue was a little Shakespearian (lol) but the best of all was Death. You portrayed him like Discord: cunning and despicable. It sounds like reality: 'every word you breathe shall be defined and held in your will when the time comes.' It makes it seem that Death was playing with her the whole time just to ruin her psyche to lose, ultimately ending her and her friends as an added bonus.


Like I said, I shall upload the review here. nice job. 4 of 5 :moustache:

472954
Thanks for your review and i can explain a few things.
I forcefully explained and underlined words was so that the few readers that *ahem* were to slow to pick up did not get left behind. There have been stories that did what i did but without the assistance of pointing out the hint leaving me clueless even after finishing the story. Also i had no idea what i was doing with Death but I am glad you enjoyed him (or her?) so its good to know how i should keep him.

Again thanks for the review!

Fantastic, not the most creative thing to say, but I'm at a loss for words :scootangel:
I love the poetic nature in which you write, i'm a sucker for that style, and you execute it beautifully :pinkiesmile:
The short and sweet nature of it is something I as a writer somewhat can envy, as I am not one for short stories, although I wish i could write them :twilightblush:
This story literally brought a smile to my face, and did so without havng to be a 13 chapter epic, which I something I can admire.
I can say with the utmost sincerity that this story was a beautiful piece of writing, and I cannot wait to see more from you :twilightsmile:

As you always say, mate. BRAVO AND ENCORE :ajsmug:

WOW, this made my head spin (which im kinda worried about, might be going the same way as......:twilightoops:) but seriously brilliant, very nice, my only critism is that the rythm need's adjusting, look up roman poetry, that might give you soem ideas to make it roll of the tounge more easily

FANTASTIC!!!!!

Twas sad, I know, but good nonetheless, I just hope you know....
damnit, can't think of anythign else!

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn105/walkseva/ManlyTearsHaveBeenShed.jpg

...I'm never wishing for anything ever again.

That was amazing…

I'm feeling a mix of sadness for Dash, sadness for the rest of the Mane 6, and a heavy urge to sit down and cry

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