• Member Since 25th Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 25th, 2022

RedAsh714


T

When a semi psychotic teenager learns at his 17th birthday party that the girl that he loves but never got the chance to tell so is dead,he does what most other teens in this situation would do:attempts suicide.But fate has other plans for this one.Follow Devon as he learns who and what he truly is but had never known.


Hey there fillies and gentlecults!Look I know that the description probably sucks but could you at least give this story a look at.This is my very first fanfic ever so I could really use any and all CONSTRUCTIVE criticism you can give.

Also could really use a cover art of a symbol for Chaos Control.Any submissions will be looked at and considered but as always sadly only one will be used.(BUT the others might be used for future stories.)

Thanks a ton and I hope you enjoy.

The OC Nyx belongs to the great Pen Stroke,so go and check out his stories.And especially read Past Sins if you haven't already so you understand the references to it.Or if you are just looking for a good read.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 8 )

so far so good. not amazing with the way things are stated. perhaps more smoothly. but not bad enough to say FUCK THIS IM OUT

Better, but whats with the switch between devon and nathan.

Devon was that you?”she asked a little quieter than normal because she was so close to his face.She waited a minute or two listening for any hint of Nathan saying something.

Im going to give you a thumbs up for 3 reasons.
1. You have long chapters/more than 1,000 words
2. Good for a first story
3. Like the plot and a very good story could be made of it.
Three things you need to work on.
1. More realisitc attitude with Twi/ She is too woried about an alien, a.k.a chapters 1-2
2. This story has or seems to be meant to be depressing(kinda) but if that is not what your going for i suggest it as if written sad enough can make a fantastic story.
3. The mix up between the character nathan? and Devon. Also dont put in a character from another series
Overall, i am going to thumbs up and fav and see if you make better.:pinkiehappy:

3682873
1. thanks for the heads up on the name switches.
2.the reason that the names got mixed up is because Devon was originally going to be named Nathan but I decided to go with Devon instead.
3.there is a reason that he said and did what he did and it will be explained in chapter 5 why he chose such extreme measures.
4.Devon doesn't have the most...what's the right word here?...reassuring...no...okay because I can't exactly say without spoilers let's just say that until around chap 6 chap 7 he's not going to be a fan fav.trust me though it is gonna get pretty cool in my opinion...weird,but cool.

3683042
Maybe The end of chapter 5 for extreme levels of PURE.UNADULTERATED.BADASSERY!

...IF I can describe the scenes correctly that is.:applejackunsure:

Ya...Probably going to screw it up somehow.BUT,at least I am going to screw up trying!


...Right?:twilightoops:

hey bro im finaly up here figured i'd let you know:twilightsheepish:

Please man don't let this die it has a lot of potential :scootangel:

When a semi psychotic teenager learns at his 17th birthday party that the girl that he loves but never got the chance to tell so is dead,he does what most other teens in this situation would do:attempts suicide.

Speak for yourself. That's just a cheap plot device to try and garner sympathy for the protagonist while explaning his presence in Equestria.

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