• Member Since 21st Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Javyero


Student by day, musician/writer/fast food employee by night. Ain't life great?

T

The Facility.

A lonely building standing desolate out in the Nevada desert. Inside, however, is a secret that is kept, at all costs, from getting out...

This is my first fic, so I hope you enjoy!

I would love feedback on the story, just as long as it's constructive. Thanks!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 3 )

Very inventive! I liked this! Just put a little more emotion in it, and it would be perfect!

For a first fic, this story definitely has potential as a reinterpretation. Your writing is solid and focused enough that I'm rather surprised that this is your first piece of fiction. And you've established an interesting enough premise that I'm curious to know where you plan to take the plot.

It might be too soon to say, since there's only one chapter and 2004 words, but I felt like a bit of a misstep was made near the end of the chapter, though. The latter half of the chapter was nearly completely exposition. You introduced some very unique and interesting ideas, but explained it with an info-dump that felt more like a magazine summary than a fluid story. Introducing the characters, the genetic experiments, their physical changes, and the facility itself is great material that could have been naturally introduced throughout the next two or three chapters. But as it stands now, the reader knows all the cold facts without much intrigue or discovery; remember to Show rather than Tell.

Either way, I'm interested in where this story could go, and I hope for a new chapter soon.

5605297
Thanks for the advice. I've been trying to figure out a way for the story to run smoothly, and that was sorta a spot that i just glazed over.

And yes, there is a second chapter, but i've been revising it over and over agin, trying to get it just right. I know where i want to go with it, it's just the getting there that i need to do.
And actually spend time on it. :twilightblush:

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